Hello , hello everybody , and welcome back to Conquering Chaos . A Mom's Guide to Self-Care Insanity . I'm your host , sydney Crow , and today we are getting a dad's perspective . Welcome , kyle Jetzel .
Speaker 2Thank you so much , Sydney . I'm excited to be here .
Speaker 1I am very excited . I really appreciated you taking the time to apply to be on this podcast and offer up a dad's perspective . As a single dad of six kids , you have quite an incredible story . Many of them as you called your crew seemingly feral at times and I absolutely loved that . So I'd love for you to just dive right in and tell the listeners about yourself and who you are and just more about your family and your day-to-day kind of how you guys manage the chaos .
Speaker 2So my name is Kyle Jentzel . Originally I'm from Dallas , Texas . That is why you probably hear the I call it a Texas ghetto accent because it's kind of Texan , but I grew up in the hood in Dallas so it's kind of ghetto as well . It's pretty unusual and I can't get rid of it . Yeah , but I guess my story probably starts with my wife , who she did pass away a couple of years ago after we were married for 30 years which is fantastic .
Speaker 2I come from a pretty aggressive you know , when you grow up in a certain environment , kind of in a tough neighborhood , you learn to be tough , and that's kind of how I grew up and when I met my wife she was the most feminine , wonderful , beautiful , sweet woman I had ever met and I realized very quickly that she was kind of the anti-me .
Speaker 2And it was really could be a great match . Opposites do attract right . They really do . And I could see and I don't know why she saw anything in me because I was kind of an animal at that point . So when we had our first two sons , they exhibited very similar attitudes and they really were a lot like I was . They were , you know , we call them seemingly feral because they just came out wild and out of control and full of energy , full of life . They would challenge you on everything they would . If they didn't like what was going on , they would run , they would fight with you . It was almost like they were . You know , when cats are born , I think they'll . They'll defend themselves in the first five minutes of being born . A cat will right .
Speaker 2There's no there is no innocence to cats , right ? They're ready to fight the minute , the minute they're messed with and , and and . That was the way my two boys were and it was really challenging for my wife because my wife was this beautiful , feminine , sweet , wonderful , nurturing woman . And I remember , as they got a little older four or five , six , the two of them I remember coming home , to coming home to absolute chaos , right , or getting calls throughout the day .
Speaker 2You know , these boys are out of freaking control . I can't know all those things that I think a lot of moms go through yeah .
Speaker 1Especially with those strong will blessings .
Speaker 2They were . Yeah , they really were . And I realized , you know , and I talked to her about this we don't really want to . The goal is not to make them not strong will . The goal is really to guide them , because that's a power , this is a powerful thing for our kids to have . It's really , it's a virtue if directed properly . I love that perspective .
Speaker 2Right , and so I would come home and she would say I can't take it anymore . Right , and she would . Her hair was crazy and she would . It was like these animals , them into compliance . I'm not a small man and I wasn't afraid to to use my aggressive behavior because , you know , I think a lot of times we do what works , even if it's not healthy . I would , I would do what works and I thought I was saving her . Right , I would come home and put them in their place . But it didn't take us long to realize . It didn't take her long to realize long-term this was not healthy , but I wanted to be her hero . I was slaying dragons , right , I was a dragon slayer . Now , the problem with that was I would come home and lop heads off and there would be blood everywhere and she would be mortified .
Speaker 2Right , she was this beautiful , feminine , sweet , nurturing woman and it caused conflict between she and I . Ok , and you know , we really got to where she wasn't really happy with me . I thought she didn't have any ability to manage her emotions because the kids would run her , they would run her ragged and I'm like , if you would do this , they won't run you ragged . But she knew inherently that love and kindness and compassion was what they needed , in the right format . Right , so I would say more discipline . She would say more love . It created this conflict between the two of us and the kids are smart , they would use that right .
Speaker 1Yep , I can see where this is going .
Speaker 2Kids are smart . And it got to where my wife started to call them velociraptors is what she said . And I don't know if you remember the movie Jurassic Park , but when they created the velociraptors , they put them in this cage with electrified fences and they would systematically test the fences every 30 seconds all day long , every day , in an effort to escape . And in the movie they shut down the electricity for five minutes or two minutes or whatever , and they escape and kill everything on the island and ruin Right . And my wife said and it's not that they're bad , it's not that they're bad kids , they're just velociraptors . They're just kids being kids and they're going to test those fences every 30 seconds for as long as they can and see what they can get away with in our world .
Speaker 2Right , and because my wife and I were having this conflict , they were using that as a weakness in the fences and really creating so much chaos in our home that it became not really a happy place . It was a place of a lot of screaming and yelling and crying and running and we wondered if we were just horrible parents . Yeah , right .
Speaker 2I feel that I think every parent goes through that at some point or another . Well , when my third son came along , he was diagnosed with severe autism and it changed us dramatically because he was not just feral , not seemingly feral , flat out feral . Okay , he was nonverbal and he had no line he wouldn't cross . My two older sons were typical boys and if they got a little nervous about the you know , if the punishment was too harsh , they would shut it down . They knew there was a line . My autistic son had no line .
Speaker 1And so the more aggressive .
Speaker 2Yeah , the more aggressive I would get , the more aggressive he would get . He would throw bricks at me , he would smash his head through windows , he would . He would scream bloody murder and we wouldn't even know what was going on . And it was at that . You know , I remember one morning there was kind of a tipping point in our family one morning where he woke us up with a blood curdling scream and we didn't know what it was because he couldn't tell us and typically we called it a meltdown . Yep , it could last . It could last anywhere from five minutes to 30 minutes maybe , okay , but this one lasted four hours , wow . And every time we would start to calm him down , he would ramp back up and start screaming and throwing things and he would chase us with knives . It did Nothing , was off limits , right , yeah .
Speaker 2And after we finally got him calmed down after four hours , I think my wife and I were so frazzled because the day is ruined , the week is ruined , possibly the month and year are ruined from this , and we kind of turned on each other . And I think it's natural , right , I think , when , when something's going wrong consistently and you really don't know what to do , you tend to want to blame somebody , and the easiest reason , the easiest one to blame is the one that you're supposed to love the most , right , I mean . And we started kind of hurdling these threats or these insults at each other . You know , if you would just treat him with love , he would calm down and I would say he needs more discipline . You know , and it was just this , it was conflict and and my wife , being so sweet and feminine , typically would , would cry , and it would trigger me to calm down and and , but in this case she didn't . She didn't cry , she was mad . And the conflict got to a point where it wasn't stopping and we were arguing and I thought you know what , I'm done , I'm going to grab my keys . I knew I had to leave because the escalation was getting so much it was , it was overwhelming for even me . And I walked out on my front porch with my keys in my pocket and I thought you know what ? This isn't the life I signed up for . There's no answer to this problem . My wife hates me , my kids hate me . I'm going to put my . I can't live like this . This , I'm not doing this . And I had my keys in my pocket , ready to leave and I was done and I know in retrospect she was done too with me .
Speaker 2And I'm standing there on the front porch and in that moment I remember a story of a lesson my dad had taught me when I was probably 11 or 12 years old and I was playing baseball and we were just about to win the game and I made a mistake and the other team ended up scoring and winning , and it was my fault . And I went over to my dad after the game and I said I wish they hadn't hit the ball to me , because then we could have won . And my dad said something I'll never forget . He said you know what , kyle ? That's not how we do things in life . If something is important to you , you never give up , you never go down without the biggest fight . If something is important , don't quit . You're not going to win everything , but don't ever quit .
Speaker 2And I remember that story and I thought but I don't know what else to do . We've read the books , right , we've done everything , we've been to therapies , we've done all these things and there's just nothing was helping . And so I did something else he had taught me and so I went underneath . We had a big pecan tree in the front yard and I kneeled and just started praying to God and and I remember very clearly feeling like God said to me the problem is not your wife and it's not your kids , the problem is you . Wow , you can do it . Don't leave . Learn , start chasing answers , go after it with the same vigor you played sports , right , don't give up , fight for your family .
Speaker 2And so I remember going back and it didn't make me happy , right , I thought it was my wife or my kids or everything else . It wasn't me . I was a good dad . I couldn't Right . The reality was I wasn't managing my emotions and she wasn't managing her emotions properly , and we didn't really know what to do . I went back in and I said you know what ? I'm not leaving and I'm going to fix this .
Speaker 2And my wife in that moment said to me good luck . She was so mad . I remember thinking you know what ? She's lost faith in me . I've got to regain her trust and her faith and I will die trying . I'm never going to give up . And that was really a tipping point for me , because in that moment I started to realize that she was not trusting me and I was not trusting her . And so I really started working to regain her trust , and it was interesting because you know that shortly after that you know when we started she and I started really communicating more effectively after that , because I realized she was truly unhappy , too right , this was the whole situation was not making her happy either , yeah , and so neither of us could manage our emotions in those heightened moments and we needed tools that didn't exist and training that didn't exist . And so we decided we're going to create our own right tools and training and we're going to work together . And we decided in that moment I said , listen , the kids are the kids , but you and me are a team . I mean , we've got to be it . And we agreed to start working together in everything we did and , you know , really changed dramatically the way we decided to parent our kids .
Speaker 2And the first thing that she told me , as I said listen , I need you to tell me Not just what I'm doing wrong , but I need I'm going to be open to whatever criticism you have . And she , she developed what she called the criticism sandwich Pretty interesting , right , and you may have heard this yeah , she would start with the bread , which is I really love you , you're a great dad , but , and then she would give me the criticism , which was the meat , and then she would end with the bread again . But I really love you , you're a great dad , right , and ? And ? And she really told me that the thing that she needed from me was she needed me to slay the dragons , but she needed me to do it in a spirit
of love .
Speaker 2Everything I did had to be done in a spirit of love . So if I disciplined , it had to be in a spirit of love . If the kids were out of control , I had to put myself in a spirit of love . And really it was interesting to watch because I noticed after doing this for a while and it took a lot of practice for me she was natural at this , but I wasn't . I was just you know , you're in trouble , I'm solving it through an iron fist and she made me realize that it was better done in spirit . And I started to notice that my kids kids don't react to discipline just for the sake of discipline , right , but they react to discipline in a spirit of love , if they know you love them and you're calm and you manage things in a way that lets them , you know , know that you're doing this because you love them , they start to change their ways right Now . It doesn't mean they're not velociraptors . They're still going to test you , yeah , and they're going to ramp up and they're going to try new , different things , but as long as you're doing things in the spirit of love number one , they it keeps you in a state of of calmness , Right , and it's easier to manage those things .
Speaker 2Now , what we did was we created specific strategies for specific things . They did , ok , and can you give me an example ? I can't , I'll give you . I'll give you a couple of examples . One of them was you know , my kids would like to argue , as kids do , and you know , they can start arguing at three , four and five , right , yep , and , and they were , they were expert arguers . They got all day to figure this out , right , you and I don't . We got things to do , and so my wife and I sat down and we said , okay , what's the what's ?
Speaker 2We created what we call the cost worksheet , and the C stands for what's the challenge ? Okay , the challenge was the arguing , right , our objective , the O in cost is what's the objective , right ? So , long term , we didn't want to break their spirit , right , but we wanted long term for them to understand that arguing wasn't the best way to get what they wanted Right . It was through kindness and love and we needed to model that . So the objective was to teach them how to negotiate and do things in the spirit of love , right .
Speaker 2If they and we call the strategy was the no more arguing strategy , and she and I , we named it , that's the S in cost no more arguing strategy . And she and I , we , we named it that that's the s in cost . So challenge objective strategy was we named it the no more arguing , and we weren't allowed to argue . She and I , okay . And the tactics were when they started to argue , we would stop and put ourselves in the spirit of love , right , and listen and then talk to them in a spirit of love and either say listen , it's not going to , you can scream and yell and throw a fit , all you want to . Here's how this is going to go . Now , if what you're trying to accomplish , if what you're wanting is X or Y or Z , there's a better way to do that , right , and we would give them those options . And so we started doing this with everything from arguing to . One of my sons was diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder . Okay , and that strategy took us about a year to create . That one wasn't easy .
Speaker 2Yeah , but we knew the challenge , we knew the objective , we knew the strategy and we knew the tactics . And what we did is , instead of them pressing our hot buttons and us getting emotional , we would say , oh , what's the strategy Right ? And we would say , oh , what's the strategy right ? And we would go into the tactics . We would write out our tactics First , we're going to do this , then this , then this , then this , and we're going to always . The first tactic is put yourself in a state of love right .
Speaker 2And if you can do that , the rest of the tactics become a lot easier . Now what we saw was things only started to happen once , right , I'd come home from work and she'd say they tried this today and I lost it . And I would say , okay , let's get out a cost worksheet , We'll write it up . And sometimes the strategies , the tactics , wouldn't really work very well . We'd have to adjust and manipulate or they would get smart and they would know what we were doing and they would twist and turn right there .
Speaker 1Manipulate it yeah .
Speaker 2Yeah , manipulate it , and so we had to get pretty creative . But things only happened once . Right , they would only argue about something once , or , you know , they would only throw a fit once , because after that we'd create a cost strategy and she and I would work together every time Right and we would create these strategies and and she and I would work together every time , right , and we would create these strategies .
Speaker 2And it gave us the ability to remove emotion in those heightened moments . Yeah , because that's when you start to let that emotion take over , and it's not generally good emotion . No , when velociraptors are testing those fences .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2Right and we knew and growing up where I grew up , I knew long-term effects of not managing our emotions as adults , what that could do to families , because I grew up in a family that had a lot of right . Some of the kids don't still don't get along , you know . I mean there's conflict , they don't . Some people don't want to be together because the conflict grew into these things that it shouldn't have grown into together , because the conflict grew into these things that it shouldn't have grown into right , yeah , and so it created consistency for our kids . You know they couldn't manipulate either of us because we both had the same strategy and tactics and really what it did . I think the greatest thing for us was we started modeling how kind good adults behave . I came home one day my wife told me I came home and she said you know what , kyle , I learned something today . I said what's that ? She said emotion is power , it's fuel , she said . But when my emotions are more important to me than my love for my kids or you , then it's a problem , because emotions can build up and emotions can tear down . And when my emotions are , when my ego tells me my emotions are more important than my love , it's a big problem , and these strategies were helping us learn how to manage our emotions in those moments so that we could be the very best parents possible , right . And so really that that whole , the whole framework of using these strategies , these cost formula , and really for us the interesting thing was we thought we were so unique , right , I mean kids on the spectrum , wild animal boys , you know and we were . Every kid is unique , every kid is different , yeah , and they need unique and different ways of you to manage them . And our cost formula what's the challenge , what's the objective , what's the strategy , what's the tactics Helped us to create unique , very individualized strategies for each of our kids so that we could give them what they needed .
Speaker 2And you know , my older sons now are married and out of the house . One is super creative , ambitious . He was a nightmare as a kid , at least until we've learned some of these things . And once we learned these things , it gave him direction , yeah , and now he's a script writer and he does all these wonderful things that let him explore his creativity in a way that's productive , right , and not in doesn't or make him think he controls the world , right , he realizes there are parameters . He's a kind patient loving man Right , and he's got a wonderful sweet patient loving man Right , and he's he's got a wonderful sweet . Both of my sons are just these wonderful sweet strong men you know , and and and , because I think we , we , we didn't again , we don't .
Speaker 2we didn't want to beat it out of them , we didn't want to you didn't want to like dim the fire yeah . We didn't . Yeah , we wanted that fire to glow bright . Yeah , Just , we wanted to point them in the right direction and through this process we were able
to do that . And so , you know , as my kids grew and people saw the change , they said what the crap are you doing ? And I said , well , it's pretty formulaic and systematic and recipe-ish .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2And they said well , what is the recipe ? And so as we started to share that , that really grew into kind of what we . You know what I do now for families , so which is amazing .
Speaker 1So why don't you tell the listeners a bit more about this Cause you're a parenting and family coach , correct ?
Speaker 2Yes , yeah .
Speaker 1I am .
Speaker 2So I have a Facebook page called let me see if I can get this right Parenting strong-willed kids . And yeah , parenting Strong-Willed Kids is the name of my Facebook page . I just started . I've been doing some other things but I'm re-branding .
Speaker 2But I came from a world of I used to call it parenting in a spirit of love , which we still do that , but yeah , so now you know my goal is . I know , which we still do that , but yeah , so now you know my goal is . I know again , I could make a list of things that my kids did that would are above and beyond , probably because I have a son who's more severe Yep away threats of suicide , let's see what else . My son came at me with a knife before he's tried to he's . He's hit me multiple times in an effort to to control the situation and and through all this , because I've expressed love to him in those moments . Again , that's not my nature . My nature , right ? Yeah , I'm . I grew up in the hood . Yeah , you want to throw those fists up , right , yeah , I grew up in the hood .
Speaker 1Yeah , you want to throw those fists up , right ?
Speaker 2Yeah , and it's really hard , right . When somebody takes a swing at you , my natural inclination is to drop them . Yeah , but that's not love . You can't hit someone in the spirit of love , right ? You can't fight in the spirit of love . And so what I teach parents now is to create their own formula for success . Now , the good news is , because I've experienced so many of these things you know oppositional defiance disorder . I've worked with my one . One of my sons is severe autism , so he doesn't even he's not even able to understand direction or counsel .
Speaker 2So I have to , I have to model behavior for him . More than anything , he's watching me , and so now I get to help parents who are struggling with these kids that are testing their boundaries and fighting and threatening to . You know everything , threatening everything . I'll run away , I'll kill you , I'll kill myself . And this is where it goes .
Speaker 2If we don't learn how to manage it properly at a younger age , these velociraptors will ramp up and up and up and up , and , and you know , you'll be afraid to take away your teenager's phone because she'll make your life such a living crap that you're afraid of her . Right , and she knows that , and she knows you know that . And now you're at her mercy , right ? We see , at work with families who are in those situations , everything from little guys because little guys is where it starts , right , yep , and that's absolutely where it starts . And if we start to manage things in a way at that age , we can prevent some of those more harsh things .
Speaker 2But even if they are in their teen years , the formula still works , right Is give them consistencies , parent them in a spirit of love , create boundaries that are healthy for them and help them understand why those boundaries are there , and then be so consistent and loving in your ability to hold those boundaries strong that they will right . They have no choice , they just they . Kids aren't bad by nature , right , they're just kids being kids . They especially strong-willed . You know , my wife says these kids aren't bad , they're just doing what works and they want control . Because they're strong-willed , they want control .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2They think we have control because we're their parents , when in reality we don't have control of anything . They just don't know , yeah . So they think this guy or this girl has control I'm going to get it by any means necessary . And because they're so strong-willed , they're willing to push those boundaries so hard that a lot of times , we as parents we , you know , we don't give them consistency we cave or we get exhausted or overwhelmed or or out of whack , and and and , whenever we , whenever that that fence is not secure and they feel that they're going to break free , right , and they're going to start . They , they , they don't understand that there's a tomorrow , that these things are going to lead down a wrong path or a path that's going to be difficult for them , right , because we love them , we discipline them , because we love them , yeah , the world doesn't love them .
Speaker 2If they pull this crap out in the real world , they will throw them in jail . There will be no love , yeah , right , and I've seen that with families who have had kids that are thrown in jail or have had kids that have , you know , attempted suicide in an attempt to get control , because they just don't have those boundaries that are solid enough , right ? So a lot of what I do and again , it's all in the spirit of love , as much as I , as harsh as I might sound , everything I do is based in love , right , and my kids know that , and that's really the bottom line for everything I do , which is and I think , because of my wife's ability to I'll call it engineer me . I used to call it manipulate , but she didn't like that , right ? No ?
Speaker 1fair . I wonder why .
Speaker 2I said you manipulate me , but you do it in a spirit of love and you do it for the right reasons , she said but manipulate doesn't sound good . No , I said , how about engineer ? And she said , yeah , engineer is good . I'm engineering you to be a strong , a monster who has control of his emotions and control and uses love as his most powerful force . Right and not fear or demand or control .
Speaker 2And so her ability , you know , through the love she was able to engineer me in that way , and because we work together so well , I think it's created a world where all my kids feel are thriving , even as they are these powerful , you know , spirited kids . They have these parameters that allow them to live these happy , joyous , wonderful lives . I tell my kids all the time I promote fun . Nobody promotes fun more than I do .
Speaker 1That's amazing , but there are limits .
Speaker 2We have to be careful of right .
Speaker 1Yeah , it's almost like needing like the guardrail on the highway right .
Speaker 2Exactly , yeah , I mean I want you to go 200 miles an hour if it's . If you know , my rule with my kids is if it's legal , moral , ethical and nobody gets hurt too bad , then I'll let you do that . I want you to do it right .
Speaker 2Yeah , yeah , let's go have some fun when I tell them that's not a good idea and they say why . I let them question me too . Why not ? Because sometimes I'm just lazy , I don't want you to do that . Why not ? Well , I'm being lazy . You know what You're right , as long as you know the rules . Go , do it . Go , have tons of fun . I want to hear about it Because I want them to go out and experience these fun and joyous and right all kinds of experiences , just within these parameters , that are protective of them and will keep them happy and safe . Right , yeah , and it allows them to achieve what I think is their full potential .
Speaker 2Which is amazing Without time to control or demand , or you know , because I know if you , if you lead through control and demand and fear , your kids are going to want to escape . People want to escape that . They feel controlled and they want to escape . Yeah , you lead with kindness and patience and love and compassion . They'll want to .
Speaker 1They'll feel empowered yeah , which is what we want for our kids , right it'll be their very , very best .
Speaker 2Yeah , so I mean , I wish I could condense it down into two or three sentences , but hopefully I've done a good job of explaining . I think you did .
Speaker 1Yeah , no , that's amazing . So question for you , because a lot of families out there that are listening you know they're dealing with this kind of struggle day in , day out and when you're stuck in that rut , it's exhausting , it's overwhelming . Your cup is empty . How do you guide parents to lead with love , or put on that suit of love when their cup is feeling so empty ? Right , Cause that's when I feel like I'm the most short tempered . Right , I can be the world's greatest mom when my cup is overflowing . But if I've had a bad day and something sets me off , how do you , how do you encourage your member or your clients to lead with love ? I love what you said . There sets me off . How do you encourage your clients to lead with love ?
Speaker 2I love what you said there sets me off right , because that's your trigger .
Okay , if you say I'm exhausted or I've had enough , that should be your trigger right , and I'm going to share a very specific strategy with you . I call it winning every challenge . Okay , and I'm going to share with with you the tactics , because I think you can apply this today and watch what it does . Okay , and this , this works super well if you're exhausted or overwhelmed or tired or your cup is empty . Okay , so it's called it's . It's called winning every challenge , and the and the steps are what I'll call APWAC , and you say it like a duck APWAC . It's easy to remember Okay .
Speaker 2APWAC . The next time you get to a point where you've had it , I want you to think of APWAC . Okay , okay , it'll be easy to remember , right .
Speaker 1No , yeah , absolutely .
Speaker 2The A in APWAC is assume , assume there will be challenges . Your kids are velociraptors , they're strong-willed , they are going to challenge you . It shocks me when parents walk around thinking I hope I can get through that day without a challenge . That's just a bad perspective altogether . If you do go through a day without a challenge , pray to God and thank him for your blessings , but don't be surprised by a challenge . Assume there will be challenges , especially when you're super tired or already getting frustrated . Assume okay , that's the A P . Prepare yourself mentally and physically to win . Okay . Now what you do is you say stand up straight and tall right , put yourself in a physical state of power , because that's gonna . You can't stand up straight and tall and feel bad or tired . It automatically triggers an emotion of if you stand up tall , right . It triggers an emotion of energy and you're gonna superhero pose .
Speaker 2Yeah . So go and do a superhero pose . I love that , right Cause now you're ready . That's , that's the physical part of it . The mental part of it is to say is is to say I can do this , I've done it before , I'm going to do it again . I'm going to win Right . And that's the W and act back , assume , prepare mentally and physically and win . And you win through kindness and patience and love . Okay , so you stand up tall , you put yourself in your Superman pose and you say I'm going to win .
Speaker 2So you get in that state of love , right , especially when you're tired . You say how can I approach this in the spirit of love ? That's winning right . And now sometimes , if they see you go into a state of power and strength and love , they're going to think oh , what I'm trying is not working , so I'm going to try some other stuff . So they're going to be smart . Don't think they're not going to try to figure this out , but initially it'll shock them , because they usually press these buttons Mom gets whacked out and I'm in control . I'm a five year old and I'm ruling this house Right . Yeah , that's their mindset , and I'm in control . I'm a five-year-old and I'm ruling this house right . That's their mindset . So you win through kindness and patience and love . Right , and the E in APLEC is energy and endure .
Speaker 2Okay , one of the things that I when I was growing up I was such an angry kid and I know you look at me now you think what but I grew up poor and I was mad about it no-transcript , ok , because I didn't want to get thrown in jail , but I was angry about my plight in life and that at that time .
Speaker 2And one of the things they teach you in boxing is you always have extra energy . You don't think you do , but you do Right . And the way they taught you this is when you fight , you punch , punch , punch and you get punched out very quickly . And they say when you feel yourself your energy is depleting quickly . And they say when you feel yourself your energy is depleting , raise your hands , because if you don't raise your hands , you're going to get the crap knocked out of you . So you learn this you always have extra energy to get your hands up right . So when you're exhausted or overwhelmed or tired as a parent , you always have extra energy . You just have to call upon it right , put those hands up , call on that , put yourself in that Superman state yeah . And say I'm going to win through kindness , patience and love , and the E is energy and endure this this five minutes . It may last 20 minutes , but stay with it . Ok , just endure with love and kindness and if your kid is screaming at you , say you know what , buddy , you can scream at me all you want . Or hey , sis , this isn't really going to get you anywhere . Try a different tactic . I know what you want . There's a better way to get it Right and your kids will be shocked because when you change their patterns , they change their patterns Right , because they know what works , because they're testing it all the time . I'm going to do what works and I know . If I get mom , if she's really tired at the end of the day and I get really mad , she let me have a cupcake , right , whatever it is . But if you say , hey , you know what , that's not going to work . Let me tell you what will work Right , and you give them these
options . So you went through energy and enduring and the seed , and this is the one of the most important parts and parents don't do this .
Speaker 2The c in appweck is celebrate . Okay , when the event is over , you walk away and you go yes , yes , whatever . Okay , I was a good mom , I was a good dad , right , I love them through that challenge . I love them now . If you , if you do that , it'll give you more energy . Right , how about this ? How about a challenge not sapping your ?
Speaker 2When you fight with your kids , it saps your energy . It sure does . When you love your kids through their challenges , it gives you energy . Right , you're like , oh for sure , yeah , I just , I just I just won that challenge . All of a sudden , you start feeling that there's energy there . You were exhausted because you were fighting all day , but the minute you start winning through kindness and patience and love , and you celebrate being a great parent Too many parents do great things and they don't give themselves credit . Celebrate your successes like crazy . We need that celebration to give us energy . And if you're like me , the hair on the back of my neck is standing up right now just thinking about it . I'm so energized by the excitement of winning .
Speaker 1Right , yeah , there's been so many times where I've even I said to my husband I'm like I feel like I got my superhero cape on , like I did .
Speaker 2It know it really does , it's just like it's so great because the minute you feel tired or challenged or overwhelmed , you say apwak , apwak . Say it like the duck , right . Yeah , apwak , what is okay ? Assume there'll be challenges , prepare myself physically and mentally to win . Win through kindness and patience and love . Have energy and endure and then celebrate the crap out of it when you're done right .
Speaker 2I've seen so many moms go from constantly exhausted to feeling very energetic because they handle things so well . They know they're being great parents . By the way , fighting wears you out , loving gives you energy . Let your kids wear themselves out trying to fight you . They will wear themselves out trying to fight you and you'll love them and have all kinds of energy . And then they bring it again and you're like good luck , you're the one tired , you're exhausted , you need a nap , right , and so it's . You know , a lot of it is just is the mental state we go into it with right .
Speaker 2And that strategy was developed by my wife , smart woman , because she realized you know what , when they challenge me , I gotta quit letting it right , she'd be at the end of a rope , yeah , and that's her trigger apwek , apwek , right . And . And she would get energized by the encounter and she'd be energetic . At the end of the day , I'd come home from work and she'd be grinning from ear to ear and I'm like what's going on ? No , I just I act like all the boys . Like seven times today . I'm like seven challenges . She's like , yeah , I'm feeling great . I'm like are you serious ? I love loving your kids , even if they're challenging you . Loving them gives you that . It will energize you , right . And so I mean APWC , assume there will be challenges , because there will . Your kids are strong . Well , it's a beautiful thing , right .
Speaker 2What we don't want to do is let them start to beat us down so bad that we just give in and they just rule everything , which is easy to do . It really is , because they have all day . They're creative , they have all day to figure out how do I , you know , figure ? And again , they're not being bad , they're just kids . Kids are doing what works and we're teaching them what works by losing patience or or screaming or whatever we decided to do , thinking this will shut it down . They're like , oh , I got . Next time I want something , or I don't want to do my homework , or I don't want to clean my room . If I get mom mad enough , she starts screaming and yelling , she leaves and I get to sit in my dirty room and I'll have to clean it up . It's they're so smart , right , they're figuring this out . Yeah , it's really up to us to use that app .
Speaker 2And again , I have strategies for defiance , for arguing , for pressing hot buttons for kids that curse , for kids that threatened to kill themselves , kill you , run away . All these things . I've had to work through all this because mine were the ultimate velociraptors , right , and no matter what I did , they ramped up . They were powerful human beings , right , and so every time they ramped up , I thought , okay , what else can he pull ? I better be ready , I need to be ready and I need to write up my worksheet and get it ready .
Speaker 2So , when it happens , I'm not shocked . And , by the way , occasionally they did shock me . And I'll give you an example my more severe son on the autism spectrum . He has tried everything from threatening to kill me to threaten to kill himself , to run away to , and none of it works , right , I still treat him lovingly lovingly , yeah , but he wants what he wants . So one day he was upstairs and he was screaming and yelling and I was saying it's okay , I'm , you know , I was patient , kind and I saw a little gear start to turn in his head and I , by the way , I've pre-planned for everything right .
Speaker 2Yeah , I mean , I'm a step ahead of this kid . Yeah , but I wasn't this time . He walked down the hall and I have a picture of my wife , a bunch of pictures , a collage of my wife on the wall , and she passed away two years ago . Right , I don't know if I'll ever get over that . Right , it's painful . I was married to her for 30 years . We built a top 1% , happy family together . I love this woman , right , I mean , there's no , there's no words to describe my love for her . And he leaned back and he spit all over her picture and I could feel the rage coming up . Right , I wasn't prepared , but the heat , the rage coming up triggered me and I thought , emotionless . I thought this is what I thought . I'm going to tell you the truth . This is Rob , right ?
Speaker 2Yep , I wonder if now is the time to punch him in his mouth and maybe that'll send a message he needs to hear right now because it feels like the right thing to do . I feel the rage . I've never , never hit him , but now it seems this may be the answer . Right , yeah , and I'm thoughtfully thinking about this and then I think how can I do that in a spirit of love ? I can't punch my son in the face in the spirit . Now he's 24 years old , he's a grown man . Yeah , now he's got the mind of a seven-year-old , right , he's severe autism . But I thought I can't . I can't do that . I can't , I want to . Real bad , it seems right , it seems justified , right justified .
Speaker 1That's a big word .
Speaker 2Yeah , wanted to but I knew it would help . It would probably be more hurtful . It would be more hurtful than helpful , it wouldn't be productive for me or for him , and there's no way I can do it in a spirit of love . And so I walked over and I remember pulling my shirt up and just started wiping the spit off and I just let him see my true emotions , which were pain , and I just went in . My tears started running down my face and I said please , please , don't do that . And the look on his face went from furious anger like he wanted to hurt me , so his face just went to almost compassion in that moment and in his , in his own way , he said I'm sorry . And he and he , within a moment or two , he hugged me right , yeah , that that I there's . No , you know , the right time to use love in your parenting is all the time , but it's so hard sometimes , right .
Speaker 1Sometimes it can be yeah .
Speaker 2But when we can trigger those things , when we can let that anger or frustration or discouragement or whatever it is that goes into us , to trigger us into a state of love and say I want to be the very best parent . What are my tactics ? Again , we got to remove the emotion and have a plan right and that's why we do those tactics .
Speaker 2I need to know every step I'm going to take , because if I let my emotions take over , I'll punch him in the mouth . Yeah , you know , or you'll spank your kids , or you'll scream at him and tell him go to their room and you're grounded for 10 years . Whatever it is we do , matt , you know we've all done it right , all done it . Yep , all done it . But the kids , the kids , are learning . They're these learning animals that learn . Ok , you know what . I know how to get mom or dad out of sorts . Or if I can get mom and dad arguing about this , I don't have to clean my bed or brush my teeth or take a shower , whatever it is .
Speaker 2Homework all the things . Homework , yeah , homework was a big one for us too , for sure , yeah . But again , what's more important than our kids and our lives ? Right , nothing Right . And when you face it , when you treat them in a spirit of love , when you start to change your patterns , they start to change their patterns and they will test you in other areas , but they start to realize , you know I think all my kids know inherently , if we treat dad kindly and we can get what we want , we just have to do it in a specific way . And that way is kindly , you know , with , you know , not screaming and love .
Speaker 2They . They see , here's what an adult should do . As I grow older , I know what my dad or my mom does . I know who they are . That's how adults act , right . When things go horribly wrong , mom and dad get kind and loving , and that's a wonderful lesson . They start to model that behavior and they take it out into the world , right . And then you get these reports back from people that are saying holy , how'd you raise this kid ? Oh hard , it was hard , yeah , but you did it . But it's going to be hard either way . You're either going to be it's either going to be hard screaming and yelling and arguing with your kid , or it's going to be hard you managing your emotions and parenting them in a spirit of love right , it's going to be hard either way . I would rather get the good results that come from hard through love and hard , through fighting and being exhausted and overwhelmed yeah .
Speaker 2Yes , yeah .
Speaker 1That's amazing . I cannot wait to implement APWAC , and thank you so much for sharing that with the listeners Before we sign off today . Is there any last piece of advice that you'd like them to hear ?
Speaker 2I think I've talked enough , Sydney .
Speaker 1You've definitely given a ton of value and a ton of information and I'm so grateful that we were able to connect Kyle . So thank you guys for tuning into today's episode , where we help you conquer the chaos , one day at a time .