Welcome back to Conquering Chaos a mom's guide to self-care insanity . I'm your host , Sydney Crowe , and today we have the amazing Dr Luz here from the San Francisco Bay Area . Welcome , Dr Luz . How are you today ?
Speaker 2I'm doing fantastic . As I told you , I have a little bit more of a husky voice getting over a chest cold , but I feel it feels more dignified .
Speaker 1I think it sounds stunning today . It's very dignified , so I'm glad that you were able to make it on . You are a life and parenting coach , which I think is just phenomenal . We were sharing a little bit prior to our episode kicking off here , and you have a really holistic approach to parenting . So why don't you fill the listeners in on what your practice is all about and how you have used positive psychology , trauma therapy , child development and your 20 years in the education system to really build a 360 degree view on your practice now ?
Speaker 2I love that you use the term 360 degree view , because that is what I feel is missing in parenting . I had my kids in 1995 and 1997 . And at that point there was , like the one book there was what to expect , right , and my breakdown came in 1998 . When I had my son , it took me seven minutes to get my kids out of car seats and into an umbrella , stroller and baby Bjorn at the time , and I just had this moment of like how am I going to do this ? I need to raise two fully functional humans when I am not a fully functional human and all of the books were about their development and their needs , but not what I needed to do in order to become the parent I needed .
Speaker 2So it was either fake it till you make it or do something different . And I decided to do something different and I told you . I think the biggest gift for me was that I birthed myself . I was a very difficult child , by all accounts . You can see it in my report cards and all the comments , like all the veiled comments , like I spirited .
Speaker 2Yeah right , friendly with everyone , you know . So I had all of those report cards . I heard all the stories from my aunts and uncles and my grandparents . So I knew I was a difficult child and I birthed myself . So there was this moment of like oh , I need to raise this child and I have a strong , willed human being in front of me . So what am I going to do ? Do I do what I experienced which didn't , which , let's face , it worked to a point . Right , I am a doctor .
Speaker 2I have , you know , I went all the way through graduate school , I went to UC Berkeley , so technically , everything my parents did worked , right , worked , quote unquote . But did it work ? Was I the person that I needed to be ? So I went on this journey of personal development to figure out what I needed in order to be the kind of person because I feel like you can't tell your children and I see this a lot where parents say do this , but they're not doing it themselves , and so it creates this sense of a sense of distrust , not because the parents aren't doing what they need to . They're doing what they think they need to , but they're not really taking it in for themselves .
Speaker 2And I see parenting as this amazing opportunity to do for ourselves what was not done for us . So that's what I'm talking about the 360 degree view . It's about caring and healing ourselves from whatever little T trauma or big T trauma occurred in our childhoods . Becoming that person that we needed to be like really becoming , not just like faking it , not just pretending , but really taking it in and healing so that we can role model what it means to be a whole human . And I think a lot of us get into this parenting thing and we have this idea of what we need to be . But our kids know and how do we know that ? Because we knew Everybody . Every person listening to this podcast had a moment they were seven , between seven and 10 , when they looked at their parents and they went wow , I don't think you know everything , Am .
Speaker 2I right , like did you have that moment where you were like , really , mom , I don't think you really know what you're ?
Speaker 2And so my thing was all about like being transparent about that , saying like I actually don't know , let's find out together , let's create a team together , let's be vulnerable together , let's grow together .
Speaker 2So when I say 360 degree view , I'm coaching parents to be their best selves , to heal from their whatever , whatever they experienced in their childhoods , and then helping them develop these families where their children are free to be their full , authentic selves , because we spend a lot of time in our adulthood reclaiming our authentic selves and I feel like we can create these families from the get go , from the beginning . I'm not saying I'm perfect , I'm not saying I did the perfect job , but my kids know that . Yeah , you know what I'm saying . It's not like I pretended to be perfect and they know I was like I'm not perfect at this , I'm going to screw up a bunch perfect . And they know I was like I'm not perfect at this . I'm going to screw up a bunch , and I'm going to say I'm sorry , I'm going to tell you when I screwed up , I'm going to , we're going to heal through anything that happens .
Speaker 1We're just going to be like actual human beings , which I think is the key right Not to be a human doing , but to be a human being right not to be a human doing , but to be a human being wow , I mean powerful , and I think it's so important to teach them the you know accountability right . No , human is perfect . There isn't a single human on this planet that is . You know , from birth till death , does everything absolutely perfectly , absolutely Perfectly , and so being able to exemplify that you can say sorry , but you're not , you're teaching that from the ground up , you know it's really going to help create this next generation of people that can do that from the beginning and also know who they are Right . You , you touched on something where it was like you had to kind of relearn who you were right In your adult life .
Speaker 1And if we can teach them that and teach them that intuition and teach them how they're just so in tune with themselves from the get-go , they're not going to get to 20 and have to relearn how to be an adult or who they are or how to check it out right .
Speaker 2So I think that's a really powerful piece that you touched on there too , yeah , and I think that's a piece that you touched on there too , yeah , and I think that's the gift of having you know , having your children in your 20s , and I think that every age that we have our children is the right age . For me it happened to be in my 20s . But there's that moment in your 20s when you're like , do I actually like Rocky Road ice cream or did I just like take that with me , like what is what actually is my favorite color , right when you realize that you've taken on so much from your parents , from your siblings , from your family , from the , from your culture of things that you're supposed to be , and then you ask yourself do I actually like that ? Do I want to do that ? Do I want to carry that forward ?
Speaker 1Yes , absolutely so . How did that play a role in you know education , career as ? Yeah you said that you were for a little while there as well . I mean , obviously your kids are grown and I'm assuming maybe out of the house , yeah , totally yeah you're at a whole different stage of life right now than I am , so fill me in on on how that played a role through your career and now as an empty nester , yeah .
Speaker 2So all of this is like you know , when you become a teacher , you say to the world I am a lifelong learner . So the world says to you great , let's give you all the things to learn , right . So what has carried on throughout my life has been two things I am a lifelong learner and I'm imperfect , and that's enough . And so because of that , it frees me up , right . Once I realized that as a teacher like I actually don't know everything , it freed me up from everything because I didn't have to know it and I could discover together with the children in my class . And that's a wonderful place to be . And I spent a whole spring just following kids as they learned about bees . We did a whole thing , like three months on bees , which ended up in a musical because they wanted to put on a musical . So that's the kind of thing that opens up for you , if you're not a slave , to like what is supposed to be or what is supposed to be based on whatever system that you happen to be in . It also did the same thing . It also freed me up as a principal , because when I understood I didn't have all the answers . It freed me up to find the answers with them , and that happens because of my approach to parenting , like I actually don't know everything about you Guess what children I don't Like . You left my body and that was it . I think we all have this moment .
Speaker 2When Sophia was like a few days old , I realized like , oh my goodness , I know nothing about her and I don't know what she's thinking . And she came out of my body and I felt like I didn't even . I thought I like she was a part of me , but they're not . They're like fully formed humans that have kind of a through line . There are parts of their personalities that will stay the same and I can say that with real and true authority , because my children are now 28 and 25 . And there are through lines , there are things that are them and have been them , and if I had tried to mold them in a different way , they would be these adults that were like maybe it's not good to question authority . Do you know what I mean ? My daughter , that's been her through line . I question .
Speaker 2She's a reality , questioning life form , and that's okay , because that's what we need in this world . We need critical thinkers , we need people to say like , hey , here's this rule . Actually , is this what we need right now ? Is there something that we can do to fix the system ? And that's who she is . She looks at systems and she questions them , and I think that's great because
it helps . And my son is somebody who's always been very in tune with his own emotions and the emotions of others , very in tune with his own emotions and the emotions of others , and you know as well as many of your listeners do that that is not the character of what we see as male in this . I'm coming to you from San Francisco Bay Area , from the US , so in a US context , being sensitive and knowing your emotions and showing your emotions is still not something that's completely accepted by the culture , and I could have gone that way , correct .
Speaker 2Yeah absolutely and I chose not to because I was like here's this really sensitive person who could , who will be an excellent person in any relationship , be it friend , be it mentor , be it you know person you know , be it father , husband , whatever . This is a strength and I'm not going to , I'm not going to try to fit him into a mold and all of that comes from like me saying I don't know who you are , I want to find out who that is .
Speaker 1That's amazing and you mentioned like a title that you gave your daughter there that she questions authority .
Speaker 2Where does ?
Speaker 1that come from left .
Speaker 2Um , it was like day three and I was like I'm feeling solid , I'm like I've washed her , I bathed her , I put on her diaper on her own , I figured out breastfeeding I'm rocking this and my parents left the driveway in the morning . I'm waving like I got this . Mom and dad , I'm 24 , I'm like totally have it . And at 2 pm she was just , this was like six out . Like 2 PM she was just so . This was like six hours . Like four hours later she was completely inconsolable and I did all the things I'm like is she wet , is she hungry , is she you know the like , the basic ? She was completely inconsolable and I'm doing everything and she like literally looked at me , like , like with her sweet little three day old face and looked at me like I , I don't think you know what you're doing . You know like what's going on here , because I feel like this isn't correct and I mean it was to me . It was like okay . So for real , I know that there is not baby side eye as like one of the things that you can look at , look through in the what to expect book . I'm like so there's nothing around like baby side eye or your child has figured out . You don't know what the heck you're doing , so you know .
Speaker 2At that point I mean I knew like from the get she was smart , she was questioning , and that's a good thing . It's a really good thing to be , especially as a female , you know , because there's a lot of things that were that are put onto us , and to question authority is a really strong thing . So I could she could have experienced what I experienced , which was like this whole molding thing , make her into what she's supposed to be in this world , or somehow keep that intact , while keeping my sanity intact too . Right , because I could have easily gone the other way and just been like , okay , guess you're raising yourself , because I don't know how to raise you , but I realized there had to be this like there had to be boundaries for her and also an appreciation of her kind of natural inclination to test boundaries . Right , because I can't just let her run in the street , I can't just let her have ice cream all the time , right ?
Speaker 2Despite whatever , right , exactly Like I could just like lean into , like , lean into that , like , oh , she's strong willed , I can't do anything about it and I honestly , I've seen that Sydney . It's really scary , right . We see that out in the world where people don't want their children to be upset , and one of the things I've always told parents and teachers is like , actually , that's not on your job description . There's nowhere in your job description that says my children will like me all the time . Description . There's nowhere in your job description that says my children will like me all the time . Right , there's nothing in your job description that says my children will be my best bud . That is not how it goes and it doesn't work . But there's also another way . You also don't have to be this like super controlling and a top down person either . There's this like mutual respect sweet spot that we can inhabit .
Speaker 1So raising your son and your daughter to be the best that they can be , you growing alongside them as you birthed yourself . You said what are three to five tips that you would give for your listeners that you say are like .
Speaker 2These are the critical steps that you have to embody to make that happen so that you can find so , number one embrace vulnerability and truth-telling , and what I mean by that is to say , although it's scary , I'm wrong or I made a mistake . Those are things that are really important for children to hear , because what they need to know is that failure is an option . And , two , that you can come back from making a mistake . So how else are they going to learn that unless they learn that from you ? Like , how else are they going to know it's okay to screw up , unless you say I screwed up , let's move forward ? How else are they going to know that it's okay to fail , unless they see from you , like , man , I really failed at this thing and I'm going to keep going , or , you know , I'm going to make a different choice , right ? So , number one , complete radical vulnerability and honesty , not to the point where you're like oversharing , right , but just in the things that really that really impact them .
Speaker 2Number two is that self-care is not selfish , and a lot of there's a lot out there right now about self-care , but it's not bubble baths and it's not getting a massage .
Speaker 2It is about taking intentional time out to connect with yourself . So I coach my parents to have non negotiable time , and I'm not talking about 90 minutes , two hours I'm talking about whatever makes the most sense , but that you put a line . You put like a real bold line around that time and it happens in the morning , so that you can calibrate . You can say , like this is how I want my day to go , and then a time at the end of the day to just do a quick review , and this can be as little as five minutes . It can be over coffee in the morning and just sitting and relaxing in bed before bed . That non-negotiable me time is self-care to reconnect and to make sure that you're kind of , you're headed in the right direction . Yeah , so radical vulnerability and honesty , self-care is not selfish , and be willing to be a lifelong learner okay because our kids are going to change .
Speaker 2Like I said , there is a through line in their , in their personalities , that's true . But be willing to keep learning about each other , and that's actually for every relationship , right for those of us who are parenting with a partner , for those of us who are parenting without a partner and want to be in a relationship . People are not static beings . We're always evolving , and that's true for our children too . So always be learn , willing to learn something new about that person . I think we've all been there where people have said , like , oh , dr Luce is this kind of person ? It's like no , actually I grew since the last time you saw me . So no , I'm a little bit different , you know . So I think that lifelong learning is super important .
Speaker 1Yeah , and it's very powerful to keep strengthening those relationships right .
Speaker 1Because , there's two parties in every relationship that are should always be learning and growing in their own pace . Yeah , not always going to be on the same level , right ? So I think it's really powerful when you can keep that connection going and keep that you know that environment where you're , you're willing to learn about them . I think that goes for friendships and partners and all sorts of things , right , yeah , amazing . So thank you so much for being here today . Is there any last piece of advice that you'd love to share with the listeners ?
Speaker 2Yeah , just I want to hit again , hit hard again . The fact that you have to take time to connect to yourself , to heal yourself , so that you can be the person . It's not going to happen on its own . No , no . Yeah .
Speaker 1Yeah , you really have to emulate who you want to be right , learning about that , healing that from the inside
. It is an internal job . I mean , even just going through my own experience , I started very much was like fit into that box and so into my adult life was seeking external validation .
Speaker 1And so I started to really do the inner work that I was like oh , I can actually do these things . I just need to start looking in here instead of you know . So thank you again for being here today . I've really enjoyed our conversation . You guys , we will make sure that you know how to contact Dr Luz and all of the show notes . Thank you , guys , for tuning into today's episode where we help you conquer the chaos one day at a time .