Welcome back to Conquering Chaos a mom's guide to self-care insanity. I'm your host, Sydney Crowe, and today we have the amazing Dr Luz here from the San Francisco Bay Area. Welcome, Dr Luz. How are you today?
Speaker 2I'm doing fantastic. As I told you, I have a little bit more of a husky voice getting over a chest cold, but I feel it feels more dignified.
Speaker 1I think it sounds stunning today. It's very dignified, so I'm glad that you were able to make it on. You are a life and parenting coach, which I think is just phenomenal. We were sharing a little bit prior to our episode kicking off here, and you have a really holistic approach to parenting. So why don't you fill the listeners in on what your practice is all about and how you have used positive psychology, trauma therapy, child development and your 20 years in the education system to really build a 360 degree view on your practice now?
Speaker 2I love that you use the term 360 degree view, because that is what I feel is missing in parenting. I had my kids in 1995 and 1997. And at that point there was, like the one book there was what to expect, right, and my breakdown came in 1998. When I had my son, it took me seven minutes to get my kids out of car seats and into an umbrella, stroller and baby Bjorn at the time, and I just had this moment of like how am I going to do this? I need to raise two fully functional humans when I am not a fully functional human and all of the books were about their development and their needs, but not what I needed to do in order to become the parent I needed.
Speaker 2So it was either fake it till you make it or do something different. And I decided to do something different and I told you. I think the biggest gift for me was that I birthed myself. I was a very difficult child, by all accounts. You can see it in my report cards and all the comments, like all the veiled comments, like I spirited.
Speaker 2Yeah right, friendly with everyone, you know. So I had all of those report cards. I heard all the stories from my aunts and uncles and my grandparents. So I knew I was a difficult child and I birthed myself. So there was this moment of like oh, I need to raise this child and I have a strong, willed human being in front of me. So what am I going to do? Do I do what I experienced which didn't, which, let's face, it worked to a point. Right, I am a doctor.
Speaker 2I have, you know, I went all the way through graduate school, I went to UC Berkeley, so technically, everything my parents did worked, right, worked, quote unquote. But did it work? Was I the person that I needed to be? So I went on this journey of personal development to figure out what I needed in order to be the kind of person because I feel like you can't tell your children and I see this a lot where parents say do this, but they're not doing it themselves, and so it creates this sense of a sense of distrust, not because the parents aren't doing what they need to. They're doing what they think they need to, but they're not really taking it in for themselves.
Speaker 2And I see parenting as this amazing opportunity to do for ourselves what was not done for us. So that's what I'm talking about the 360 degree view. It's about caring and healing ourselves from whatever little T trauma or big T trauma occurred in our childhoods. Becoming that person that we needed to be like really becoming, not just like faking it, not just pretending, but really taking it in and healing so that we can role model what it means to be a whole human. And I think a lot of us get into this parenting thing and we have this idea of what we need to be. But our kids know and how do we know that? Because we knew Everybody. Every person listening to this podcast had a moment they were seven, between seven and 10, when they looked at their parents and they went wow, I don't think you know everything, Am.
Speaker 2I right, like did you have that moment where you were like, really, mom, I don't think you really know what you're?
Speaker 2And so my thing was all about like being transparent about that, saying like I actually don't know, let's find out together, let's create a team together, let's be vulnerable together, let's grow together.
Speaker 2So when I say 360 degree view, I'm coaching parents to be their best selves, to heal from their whatever, whatever they experienced in their childhoods, and then helping them develop these families where their children are free to be their full, authentic selves, because we spend a lot of time in our adulthood reclaiming our authentic selves and I feel like we can create these families from the get go, from the beginning. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm not saying I did the perfect job, but my kids know that. Yeah, you know what I'm saying. It's not like I pretended to be perfect and they know I was like I'm not perfect at this, I'm going to screw up a bunch perfect. And they know I was like I'm not perfect at this. I'm going to screw up a bunch, and I'm going to say I'm sorry, I'm going to tell you when I screwed up, I'm going to, we're going to heal through anything that happens.
Speaker 1We're just going to be like actual human beings, which I think is the key right Not to be a human doing, but to be a human being right not to be a human doing, but to be a human being wow, I mean powerful, and I think it's so important to teach them the you know accountability right. No, human is perfect. There isn't a single human on this planet that is. You know, from birth till death, does everything absolutely perfectly, absolutely Perfectly, and so being able to exemplify that you can say sorry, but you're not, you're teaching that from the ground up, you know it's really going to help create this next generation of people that can do that from the beginning and also know who they are Right. You, you touched on something where it was like you had to kind of relearn who you were right In your adult life.
Speaker 1And if we can teach them that and teach them that intuition and teach them how they're just so in tune with themselves from the get-go, they're not going to get to 20 and have to relearn how to be an adult or who they are or how to check it out right.
Speaker 2So I think that's a really powerful piece that you touched on there too, yeah, and I think that's a piece that you touched on there too, yeah, and I think that's the gift of having you know, having your children in your 20s, and I think that every age that we have our children is the right age. For me it happened to be in my 20s. But there's that moment in your 20s when you're like, do I actually like Rocky Road ice cream or did I just like take that with me, like what is what actually is my favorite color, right when you realize that you've taken on so much from your parents, from your siblings, from your family, from the, from your culture of things that you're supposed to be, and then you ask yourself do I actually like that? Do I want to do that? Do I want to carry that forward?
Speaker 1Yes, absolutely so. How did that play a role in you know education, career as? Yeah you said that you were for a little while there as well. I mean, obviously your kids are grown and I'm assuming maybe out of the house, yeah, totally yeah you're at a whole different stage of life right now than I am, so fill me in on on how that played a role through your career and now as an empty nester, yeah.
Speaker 2So all of this is like you know, when you become a teacher, you say to the world I am a lifelong learner. So the world says to you great, let's give you all the things to learn, right. So what has carried on throughout my life has been two things I am a lifelong learner and I'm imperfect, and that's enough. And so because of that, it frees me up, right. Once I realized that as a teacher like I actually don't know everything, it freed me up from everything because I didn't have to know it and I could discover together with the children in my class. And that's a wonderful place to be. And I spent a whole spring just following kids as they learned about bees. We did a whole thing, like three months on bees, which ended up in a musical because they wanted to put on a musical. So that's the kind of thing that opens up for you, if you're not a slave, to like what is supposed to be or what is supposed to be based on whatever system that you happen to be in. It also did the same thing. It also freed me up as a principal, because when I understood I didn't have all the answers. It freed me up to find the answers with them, and that happens because of my approach to parenting, like I actually don't know everything about you Guess what children I don't Like. You left my body and that was it. I think we all have this moment.
When Sophia was like a few days old, I realized like, oh my goodness, I know nothing about her and I don't know what she's thinking. And she came out of my body and I felt like I didn't even. I thought I like she was a part of me, but they're not. They're like fully formed humans that have kind of a through line. There are parts of their personalities that will stay the same and I can say that with real and true authority, because my children are now 28 and 25. And there are through lines, there are things that are them and have been them, and if I had tried to mold them in a different way, they would be these adults that were like maybe it's not good to question authority. Do you know what I mean? My daughter, that's been her through line. I question.
Speaker 2She's a reality, questioning life form, and that's okay, because that's what we need in this world. We need critical thinkers, we need people to say like, hey, here's this rule. Actually, is this what we need right now? Is there something that we can do to fix the system? And that's who she is. She looks at systems and she questions them, and I think that's great because it helps. And my son is somebody who's always been very in tune with his own emotions and the emotions of others, very in tune with his own emotions and the emotions of others, and you know as well as many of your listeners do that that is not the character of what we see as male in this. I'm coming to you from San Francisco Bay Area, from the US, so in a US context, being sensitive and knowing your emotions and showing your emotions is still not something that's completely accepted by the culture, and I could have gone that way, correct.
Speaker 2Yeah absolutely and I chose not to because I was like here's this really sensitive person who could, who will be an excellent person in any relationship, be it friend, be it mentor, be it you know person you know, be it father, husband, whatever. This is a strength and I'm not going to, I'm not going to try to fit him into a mold and all of that comes from like me saying I don't know who you are, I want to find out who that is.
Speaker 1That's amazing and you mentioned like a title that you gave your daughter there that she questions authority.
Speaker 2Where does?
Speaker 1that come from left.
Speaker 2Um, it was like day three and I was like I'm feeling solid, I'm like I've washed her, I bathed her, I put on her diaper on her own, I figured out breastfeeding I'm rocking this and my parents left the driveway in the morning. I'm waving like I got this. Mom and dad, I'm 24, I'm like totally have it. And at 2 pm she was just, this was like six out. Like 2 PM she was just so. This was like six hours. Like four hours later she was completely inconsolable and I did all the things I'm like is she wet, is she hungry, is she you know the like, the basic? She was completely inconsolable and I'm doing everything and she like literally looked at me, like, like with her sweet little three day old face and looked at me like I, I don't think you know what you're doing. You know like what's going on here, because I feel like this isn't correct and I mean it was to me. It was like okay. So for real, I know that there is not baby side eye as like one of the things that you can look at, look through in the what to expect book. I'm like so there's nothing around like baby side eye or your child has figured out. You don't know what the heck you're doing, so you know.
Speaker 2At that point I mean I knew like from the get she was smart, she was questioning, and that's a good thing. It's a really good thing to be, especially as a female, you know, because there's a lot of things that were that are put onto us, and to question authority is a really strong thing. So I could she could have experienced what I experienced, which was like this whole molding thing, make her into what she's supposed to be in this world, or somehow keep that intact, while keeping my sanity intact too. Right, because I could have easily gone the other way and just been like, okay, guess you're raising yourself, because I don't know how to raise you, but I realized there had to be this like there had to be boundaries for her and also an appreciation of her kind of natural inclination to test boundaries. Right, because I can't just let her run in the street, I can't just let her have ice cream all the time, right?
Speaker 2Despite whatever, right, exactly Like I could just like lean into, like, lean into that, like, oh, she's strong willed, I can't do anything about it and I honestly, I've seen that Sydney. It's really scary, right. We see that out in the world where people don't want their children to be upset, and one of the things I've always told parents and teachers is like, actually, that's not on your job description. There's nowhere in your job description that says my children will like me all the time. Description. There's nowhere in your job description that says my children will like me all the time. Right, there's nothing in your job description that says my children will be my best bud. That is not how it goes and it doesn't work. But there's also another way. You also don't have to be this like super controlling and a top down person either. There's this like mutual respect sweet spot that we can inhabit.
Speaker 1So raising your son and your daughter to be the best that they can be, you growing alongside them as you birthed yourself. You said what are three to five tips that you would give for your listeners that you say are like.
Speaker 2These are the critical steps that you have to embody to make that happen so that you can find so, number one embrace vulnerability and truth-telling, and what I mean by that is to say, although it's scary, I'm wrong or I made a mistake. Those are things that are really important for children to hear, because what they need to know is that failure is an option. And, two, that you can come back from making a mistake. So how else are they going to learn that unless they learn that from you? Like, how else are they going to know it's okay to screw up, unless you say I screwed up, let's move forward? How else are they going to know that it's okay to fail, unless they see from you, like, man, I really failed at this thing and I'm going to keep going, or, you know, I'm going to make a different choice, right? So, number one, complete radical vulnerability and honesty, not to the point where you're like oversharing, right, but just in the things that really that really impact them.
Speaker 2Number two is that self-care is not selfish, and a lot of there's a lot out there right now about self-care, but it's not bubble baths and it's not getting a massage.
Speaker 2It is about taking intentional time out to connect with yourself. So I coach my parents to have non negotiable time, and I'm not talking about 90 minutes, two hours I'm talking about whatever makes the most sense, but that you put a line. You put like a real bold line around that time and it happens in the morning, so that you can calibrate. You can say, like this is how I want my day to go, and then a time at the end of the day to just do a quick review, and this can be as little as five minutes. It can be over coffee in the morning and just sitting and relaxing in bed before bed. That non-negotiable me time is self-care to reconnect and to make sure that you're kind of, you're headed in the right direction. Yeah, so radical vulnerability and honesty, self-care is not selfish, and be willing to be a lifelong learner okay because our kids are going to change.
Speaker 2Like I said, there is a through line in their, in their personalities, that's true. But be willing to keep learning about each other, and that's actually for every relationship, right for those of us who are parenting with a partner, for those of us who are parenting without a partner and want to be in a relationship. People are not static beings. We're always evolving, and that's true for our children too. So always be learn, willing to learn something new about that person. I think we've all been there where people have said, like, oh, dr Luce is this kind of person? It's like no, actually I grew since the last time you saw me. So no, I'm a little bit different, you know. So I think that lifelong learning is super important.
Speaker 1Yeah, and it's very powerful to keep strengthening those relationships right.
Speaker 1Because, there's two parties in every relationship that are should always be learning and growing in their own pace. Yeah, not always going to be on the same level, right? So I think it's really powerful when you can keep that connection going and keep that you know that environment where you're, you're willing to learn about them. I think that goes for friendships and partners and all sorts of things, right, yeah, amazing. So thank you so much for being here today. Is there any last piece of advice that you'd love to share with the listeners?
Yeah, just I want to hit again, hit hard again. The fact that you have to take time to connect to yourself, to heal yourself, so that you can be the person. It's not going to happen on its own. No, no. Yeah.
Speaker 1Yeah, you really have to emulate who you want to be right, learning about that, healing that from the inside. It is an internal job. I mean, even just going through my own experience, I started very much was like fit into that box and so into my adult life was seeking external validation.
Speaker 1And so I started to really do the inner work that I was like oh, I can actually do these things. I just need to start looking in here instead of you know. So thank you again for being here today. I've really enjoyed our conversation. You guys, we will make sure that you know how to contact Dr Luz and all of the show notes. Thank you, guys, for tuning into today's episode where we help you conquer the chaos one day at a time.