Hey , hey , mamas , welcome back to Conquering Chaos A Mom's Guide to Self-Care Insanity . I'm your host , sydney Crow , and today we have Tiffany Domikos . She is located in Denver , colorado , and is the founder of Holy Living Coaching and Consulting . She helps parents build joy , connection and healing through one-on-one parent and life coaching , online courses and social media content . She's a mama , wife , friend , therapist and change strategist who has coached and supported hundreds of individuals , families and couples through changing patterns in their thinking , in their emotions and in their behavior around work , marriage and parenting relationships . She uses trauma-informed and body-based practices for healing and self-compassion . Welcome , tiffany .
Speaker 2Thank you so much for having me Sydney .
Speaker 1I'm excited to get to know you and have my listeners hear more from you . So you said that you went through a profound personal journey , from feeling completely out of control to being able to hone in on what your needs and the needs of your daughter were . Do you want to share with the listeners a little bit about that personal journey that led you to where you are today ?
Speaker 2Yeah , I'd be happy to . You know , I got married a little bit later in life . So I was in my 30s when I got married and then became a mom , and I've been a therapist working with kids and families for 15 years probably closer to 10 years at that point when I became a mom . But I sort of thought you know , I've done a ton of healing , I work with parents every single day . This is , this is going to be no big deal , it's going to be an easy transition . And what I found was that I still had some blind spots that I was not aware of .
Speaker 2And so I had this moment with my daughter when she was 18 months , and we do a lot of redirection in our house . That seems to work better for her . But I had said no to her and she laughed and I was deeply triggered and I found myself doing the kind of rage monster thing like getting really big and angry in the face of this little , teeny , tiny child that has no power or control over me and and I it . It was like this bright light in my face of wow , I have some healing to do , I have some more work to be done and being a therapist working with , with families . It is very different being in my own body , with my own story , with my own triggers and living those out on a day-to-day basis and not having an office door to close at the end of the day and kind of shake it all off . Right .
Speaker 2Parenthood , motherhood , is 24 seven . It is constant . And so I was met with the reality that I have not been trained or equipped to deal with triggers 24 seven , and I need to do some more work and and I'm guessing that there are other people out there who also need some help doing some more work in this motherhood journey and and so I really dug deep . I worked with my therapist , I worked with some friends who are therapists to figure out you know what are these triggers ? Where are they coming from ? Is this really about my parents ? Is this about something you know flawed in me ? And coming to a place where it was like everybody has this stuff , everybody gets mad , everybody gets overwhelmed , especially in motherhood . And when we don't have or use the skills that we have to manage our relationships , to manage our bodies and our brains , then yeah , we're going to have , we're going to have big feelings and those are going to come out to the people around us .
Speaker 1Yeah , absolutely . I think you kind of hit the nail on the head there where , like nothing really ever prepares you for the fact that motherhood is 24 , seven . You can do all the personal development and coaching and you were able to help families prior to becoming a mom . The second that you were in that environment it was completely overwhelming , because there is a really big shift there . It's like this whole new identity that you're having to wear , this whole new you know set of skills that you're having to develop and learn and grow with your you know a baby on your hip or a toddler on your hip at the same time , and you know it's , it is overwhelming .
Speaker 1So how do you , how does that translate now into how you help parents and coach them ? Do you do a lot of like preemptive type stuff before they become a parent , or are you there more kind of after the chaos kind of is consuming ?
Speaker 2Yeah , most of my clients are . It's after the chaos is ensuing and and unfortunately , you know , therapy is kind of set up to be sort of a last resort when people are really desperate and are really struggling . I am working with some lactation consultants who were trying to get ahead of that right . Infanthood , the initial stages of postpartum , those are kind of the times where moms , what we're seeing in the research is that mom's brains are sort of reorienting especially first-time moms to the world of motherhood and that is a really important time to get some good practices set up , some good habits of you know we'd call it self-care , but I really talk to people about you're taking care of your brain and body and how they connect to each other .
Speaker 2I think it's easy in postpartum to kind of disconnect from our bodies because our bodies are so needed in that postpartum period . But if we can stay connected and really understand what does our body need physically , what do we need emotionally , what do we need spiritually , how can we feed ourselves ? And not in a you know another to-do list for the self-care for moms , right , but but in a a very like supportive rhythm of life and asking for help , getting support from your partner when you need 10 minutes to take a shower , right , some some of those kinds of things . So I love I love working with all kinds of parents and and have families that have infants up through high school . My favorite is really those , those postpartum mamas who are like I had no idea what I was in for and I want to set myself up .
Speaker 1Yeah , and I think that that's so important and that's almost where this podcast was born from , because I went through that for almost nine years where I was like what did I sign up for ? Why was it like this ? I kind of need a refund on adulting and we had a whole bunch of other stuff going on and I can share that in other podcast episodes . But there was this moment where it was like this wasn't what the books kind of told me it was going to look like , or this wasn't what the movies and the commercials told me it was going to look like . And I was like maybe this is me , maybe I'm the issue right .
Speaker 1And there's this notion that self-care is like going to the spa on a week , like a weekly basis or a monthly basis , and then mom , like newborn moms , are like how do you even like put the baby down to have a shower ? I remember like literally having my daughter in her car seat , like on one of those chairs , while I was showering . She's crying , I'm crying , I'm like I just need to wash my hair , you know , and it's those you're like is this really what everyone goes through ? Like where's , like , how ? How do you Google how to have a shower with a newborn , like there isn't stuff out there for that , and so I think it's really , and so it's really interesting to me that you have this team of women that you're working with I'm assuming women , I mean , there are some very few and far between and so working with them to build this in your , in your area , in your community and and hopefully , into an online space , so that women around the world can start having more resources at their fingertips .
Speaker 1Because there is those moments where you are desperate and Googling how do I have a shower with a newborn , what do I do ? And and really bringing this conversation to it takes a village right , there was this separation . But you know , back in the forties , fifties , it takes a village right , there was this separation . You know , back in the 40s , 50s , there was a village and life has just gotten kind of overwhelmingly busy for everyone and we almost wear it as a badge of honor right when it's like how are you ? Oh , I'm busy , and so now there's almost this lack of village . So I really appreciate you guys bringing the village back to the forefront . I think that's really powerful .
Speaker 2Well , and I think that the other thing that I want to pull out from what you said is this feeling from moms of there's something wrong with me , I'm broken , and I think , normalizing that for new moms , but I think for all moms , that , hey , man , it's not just you , and it's normal to have hard days and it's normal to feel complete euphoria at points with your , with your kiddos , and it's normal to feel nothing . And so when we can support ourselves , our bodies , our brains , our emotions , then then we normalize some of that . We also have some more evenness in our days . The highs aren't so high , the lows aren't so low , and and we can find that middle ground . But but yeah , like you said , you know it's it's not just you , it's not just me , right ? This is part of that process .
Speaker 2And saying that I had friends who said , oh , parenthood is terrible , you never get time alone , you never get this , this and this . And then other people who say , oh , it's so amazing and it's so wonderful and everything is so great , and my experience was somewhere in between those and and I think there are lots of women who are like , well , what am I supposed to feel ? What am I supposed to write ? And so my work really is to normalize hey , whatever you're feeling is normal , and let's figure out what for you is needed to for you to feel supported .
Speaker 1Yeah , and I think again that's , every single journey is different , right , and and and . Every mom . If you have multiple kids , those journeys are going to be totally , totally . I had a relatively I mean outside of some health stuff but my , my first daughter was really great , and then when my second one came , that's when my older one started to have behavioral stuff , and I was like where is this coming from ? What is happening ? And so it can be those like really high highs and really low lows , and I went through all of the emotions that you went through in there and sometimes that rage monster came out and I was , yeah , it was , it's . It's definitely challenging , and so normalizing what moms go through on all spectrums of the journey is so it's just really powerful . And I think it's a really important conversation for us to be having .
Now . You mentioned that you coach with parents and you have a special method that you call the SOAR method . Can you walk us through a little bit of that Cause ? I love the name .
Speaker 2Yeah , so this was a method that I sort of developed , created I don't know what you want to call it , but I saw I started seeing patterns in the families that I was working with and the things that I was working with them on , and it seemed like I was kind of doing these four things , teaching these four sets of skills , to pretty much anybody who was coming through my doors , and so I was like , well , let's put this into a model that is easy to remember , people can access it really easily . And so the S stands for soothe , and this comes from the work of Dan Siegel and his colleagues , with folks needing to feel safe , seen and soothed in order to have security . When we have a secure base in ourselves , we are . That is sort of that space of , we are centered , we are our sort of best version given the circumstances , and I say that with that caveat of given the circumstances . So if I'm in on a mountaintop by myself and I've had three days of alone time , I'm a very different , centered version of myself than in the middle of family life chaos , so that then we can show up for ourselves but also for the other people that we are sort of required and requiring ourselves to support .
Speaker 2The second skill is observation . So once we have that soothing down , we're observing what happened . So maybe someone sort of flipped their lid . They , that rage monster , came out . And I , what I tell people is , their first job is to soothe themselves . I don't care why it happened , like , make sure everybody's safe , but lay on the floor , take some deep breaths , do what you need to do to feel safe , seen and soothed in yourself , and then go to the next step of observation .
Speaker 2Look around . Why did this happen ? Where did this come from ? It probably didn't come out of left field . There were probably some things along the way , right , take in that information and then do an assessment Okay , what needs to happen now ? Where did this come from ? How do I need to respond ? And then that last step is the response , and so it's giving parents some tangible steps and skills to develop and practice , which I think practice is really important . When we're developing skills , you're not going to get it right the first time , you're not going to get it right the second time . It's lots and lots of practice of those skills so that then , when that response time gets shorter and shorter , between being triggered and responding in the way that you want to , as the parent that you want to be .
Speaker 1I think that that's really amazing and I love the acronym and it is really important to note that . You know you aren't going to get it right the first or second time , or maybe the third , fourth or fifth .
Speaker 2Right .
Speaker 1That's right . It definitely takes practice and sometimes I mean in our personal experience I feel like sometimes my daughter can flip her lid out of left field , and it is that kind of assessment after the fact where I'm like where did this actually come from ? My first observation is like , well , it came out of nowhere .
Speaker 2It did come out of left hand .
Speaker 1But then , you know , I can think back and see maybe there were hunger cues or tired , or maybe it's just an overstimulating experience , Right , Because they struggle with those and I'm now learning to . You know , just co-regulate with my daughter that's been a big thing for us is I can start to sense her energy where it's like okay , maybe you just need me to wrap my arms around you right now .
Speaker 2I don't think .
Speaker 1I'm mad about this . Let's figure this out together . But , first and foremost , sending her to her room to regulate on her own doesn't necessarily work for her . So it's like I have to sometimes remember to just pause , and even if it feels like I'm going to be late for the hundredth millionth time , it's something this is more important where I can just pause for 30 seconds usually and help her just come and catch her breath . So I think , yeah , that method is really amazing . Is there any other pieces of advice that you'd love for the listeners to know ?
Speaker 2I think the two things that came up for me when I was thinking about this interview was self-compassion , and I know some of your other guests have talked about that .
Speaker 2I think that's a big thing in the mama hood space lately and in , I think , mental health spaces lately , but I think it's really important and I have .
Speaker 2I have a friend who says self-awareness is wasted without self-acceptance , and I love that because I think as moms , as women , it's really easy for us we're taught really early to pick ourselves apart , to find all the things that we need to improve on , that we need to get better on , and if we can do an objective assessment of gosh , I need some new skills and it's okay .
Speaker 2I'm okay where I'm at and with the story that I have and I am the parent that my kid or kids need , just as I am today . That is a , I think , huge step in the right direction of , yeah , just good parenting and having a getting to the end of our . I think a lot about getting to the end of our motherhood journey and what that's going to feel like , and I don't want to have any regrets and I know the moms that I work with don't want to have any regrets . Right , and that's why they're doing all of this work , but we also don't want to pass the time trying to improve ourselves to where we miss out on being present and being okay in the present .
Speaker 1Yeah , I mean , that's a really , really just I keep saying powerful , but it is a really profound message , right , and I think it's important that we show our self-compassion in a way that it models for our daughters , especially our sons too , but really our daughters where they've stopped passing on this people pleasing torch ?
Speaker 1Yeah yeah , generation to generation , it's getting a little bit better over time , but yeah , for sure , nice , if we could raise a next generation of daughters who got to you know 18 or 20 , and didn't say , oh , I need to learn how to unlearn all this people .
Speaker 2Yeah , yeah , for sure , for sure . The other thing that I was going to mention just that I've seen in my work and with myself is is making sure that we're going slow , go slow . Give yourself time . Don't expect quick fixes for something that has taken , you know , 20 or 30 years to build that habit , and so I work a lot with people and with myself on . I'm just going to literally slow down my movement , slow down my body , and the brain then will mirror that . It will do what our body does , and that has been really powerful , also for for me , but also for the women that I work with , in helping them acclimate to new things that they're trying to implement . We can go slow , our brains can catch up .
Speaker 1Yeah , and I mean , I think that goes back to , you know , the message that we were trying to say about just this mentality of being busy , right ? Yes , if we can just hit pause , I think , and I mean I'm on social media a fair bit for work , and I know that you are as well , but it is really just a window that we're seeing into people's lives and it creates this comparison that we're in this race against everything else , like oh , so-and-so is doing that . I got to do that too and I've got to do this . And you know , I think having that ability to just say you know , I'm just going to go slow here and I'm going to enjoy the process and I don't wish time away or waste it , you know I that was one of my night and I don't say this word very often or very lightly , but that was one of my biggest regrets of parenting is that I would wish for bedtime to show up and I would wish for .
Speaker 1I was like , oh , when they get a little bit older it'll be so much easier . And now I look back and I'm like , oh , I just I wished so much time away that I love to go back and just have a do over for a little bit . I know that's not possible , so I just want to go back and just have a do-over for a little bit . I know that's not possible , so I just want to thank you so much for those messages . I think that the listeners will really resonate with that and I really appreciate you coming on the show today .
Speaker 2Yeah , thank you so much for having me . I really appreciate it .
Speaker 1Thank you guys for tuning into today's episode where we help you conquer the chaos one day at a time .