119. Marriage, Foster Care, and Gritty Faith

Foster care doesn’t just enter a home; it enters a marriage. With Valentine’s Day approaching, this episode of Restoried opens an honest conversation about how foster care changes marriage when court dates, therapy, and survival replace date nights and quiet conversations. 

Lisa is joined by her husband JJ as they reflect on eight years as licensed foster parents and over a decade supporting children and families in foster care. They share how foster care changed their marriage, from communication and emotional connection to dividing responsibilities and making decisions together. 

They discuss real challenges, including exhaustion, grief, spiritual warfare, and times of being out of sync. They explore how spouses carry weight differently and how tension can arise if not addressed. 

The conversation also covers practical realities, including managing responsibilities, navigating caseworker roles, and checking in regularly to avoid resentment. 

At the heart of the episode is hope. Lisa and JJ share how God used the hardest seasons to strengthen their marriage. Through prayer, shared heartbreak, and choosing each other daily, their marriage grew deeper and anchored in Christ. 

Episode Highlights:  

• Foster care impacts marriage 
• Balancing grief and logistics 
• Communication is key 
• Shared hardships strengthen love 
• Relying on God 
• Intentional connection matters 
• Practical tips for parents 

Find More on Hope Bridge: 

• Visit Our Website  
• Follow us on Instagram 
• Follow us on Facebook  

Join us for our Annual Benefit Dinner!

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:26

Hope Bridge is on a gospel-led mission to transform the foster care landscape in Ohio. We're here to raise awareness and empower churches and communities to step into action by supporting vulnerable children and families in their local communities. In this podcast, we'll be shining a light on stories of hope, redemption, and transformation, and sharing practical ways that you can step in and get involved. Welcome to Restoried, a podcast by Hope Bridge. And um it was one of those things where I just kind of threw it on him because I knew that he wouldn't want to do it. But I have my husband JJ here with me today.

SPEAKER_00 1:25

I was just told there was going to be free lunch, and that's all I heard, you know?

SPEAKER_01 1:29

So this is gonna be interesting to say the least. Let me just preface the episode with that. Um we are going to be talking about um foster care and marriage. We thought with Valentine's Day approaching that this was a topic that um is good to air out and shed light on and um just bring to the the front of conversation because I think sometimes Valentine's Day specifically can be so romanticized. I mean, that's what the holiday is, anyways, is this created holiday to be romantic. And I think sometimes foster care is like the least romantic thing happening in your lives as a married couple. And so um we're just gonna dive into that a little bit today and talk about what happens to a marriage when schedules and court dates and therapy replace date nights and quiet talks. And so, what kind of spurred this topic on the most is um Whitney, who is our behind-the-scenes girl for this podcast and makes everything look pretty, what you're seeing on social media, came across this post by At the Willow Tree. And so I'm just gonna read it to kick us off and then um JJ and I will share some. It says foster care doesn't just enter your home, it enters your marriage. What people don't see is how quickly your conversations stop being about us and start being about schedules, court dates, therapy appointments, and survival. How romance quietly gives way to logistics. How you learn to communicate in shorthand because there simply isn't time or energy for long talks. They don't see how differently each of you carries the weight. One of you may grieve out loud, the other silently. One may attach deeply and quickly, while the other holds back as a form of self-protection. Neither is wrong, but it can feel incredibly lonely when you're not grieving, hoping, or healing at the same pace. They don't see the nights you lie in the same bed but feel worlds apart, both exhausted, both hurting, neither quite sure how to help the other when you're barely holding on yourself. They don't see the hard conversations, the ones about boundaries, about when to say yes and when to say no, about how many pieces of yourselves you have left to give, or the quiet resentment that can creep in when one of you feels like you're carrying more of the emotional weight or one of the or more of the practical load. But they also don't see this part. They don't see how foster care can strip a marriage down to its foundation and then slowly rebuild it stronger, how it teaches you to choose each other daily, sometimes hourly, how love becomes less about grand gestures and more about faithfulness in the trenches, a hand squeezed in the hallway, a look across the room that says, I see you. I know this is hard, I'm still here. They don't see how walking through heartbreak together can deepen trust, how shared tears can knit two hearts together, how prayer whispered in exhaustion can become a lifeline. Foster care will test a marriage, it will stretch it, it will expose cracks you didn't know were there. And in the middle of it all, when strength runs thin and words fall short, God meets you there. In the quiet moments, in the shared tears, in the choosing again and again to stay, to love, to believe that he is still writing something good. Foster care may stretch a marriage beyond what feels possible, but grace stretches further. God binds hearts together in ways comfort never could, teaching a deeper, patience, a steadier love, and a faith that leans not on understanding but on trust. Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three stands a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4.12. What people don't see is that when a marriage is anchored in him, even the hardest seasons can become holy ground. And that's the podcast episode.

SPEAKER_00 5:33

Yeah, yeah, that's it. It's perfect. I mean, it couldn't have been said any better than that, right there. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:40

And so that kind of sparked the thought behind this episode to just kind of talk about how foster care changes marriage, um, the struggles and tensions that are there, but then also um how you grow through it as a family, as a married couple, and um just what God does in the midst of it.

SPEAKER_00 6:04

So For sure. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:07

Um, let's talk a little bit about our background and just why we became licensed, um, kind of our heart behind that. And yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:19

So how that started was like I was like, I'm gonna be a foster parent. And you're like, I don't want anything to do with that.

SPEAKER_01 6:27

That is not true.

SPEAKER_00 6:29

I'm like, come on, sinner, just get on board, let's do this. Oh, I'm kidding.

SPEAKER_01 6:34

I've if you've been here a while, you've listened to um, or maybe you have, you've you've probably heard my story, and I shared just like what led us into foster care. We had, you know, infertility that kind of opened our hearts to even the idea of it, but it was clearly God that called us into foster care. Absolutely. And um, it was a simply a pure act of obedience to step in because it was nothing either one of us ever had um planned to do or wanted to do in our marriage, and not how we had envisioned building a family.

SPEAKER_00 7:09

Yeah. Um, still to this day, like I always say that like I would have never done this, like this is all Christ, like this is Christ who lives in me. Like there's not an ounce of me that don't get me wrong, I love people and I love serving people, but this was another level, and it's just not it's not me. It's it's God within me. So, and that's I mean, ultimately what gives us all strength to endure the hard stories and uh everything else that goes with it.

SPEAKER_01 7:38

Yeah. Um, a little bit about our family. Um we were licensed foster parents for eight years, and um through that journey, um, we before we fostered, we had um one biological daughter, and she was three when we got licensed, which feels crazy to say and think about that she was that little and truly grew up as a foster sister.

SPEAKER_00 8:06

She did, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:07

And um, she was then 11 when we closed our home.

SPEAKER_00 8:11

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 8:12

And she was pretty disappointed at that point.

SPEAKER_00 8:14

She was, she was, she she uh she loved it. And so, um, and she's gonna be 14 now, and so but she still gets, I mean, with still being in this world, she's still it's still part of her life, still part of her life, which is great.

SPEAKER_01 8:30

Yeah, so through our um foster care journey, we adopted three boys, and our kids now are 13, 9, 7, and 5. Yeah, and and I'll say that again, three boys.

SPEAKER_00 8:47

Yeah, three boys still sometimes easier than one girl.

SPEAKER_01 8:54

True, very true. But um of of all of our placements, we had um only one girl, yeah, and what seven or eight boys?

SPEAKER_00 9:03

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:05

And so um that's we're just built for boys, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 9:09

Yeah, yeah. Well, I think it's your fault. I think because you prayed for a girl so hard, like God.

SPEAKER_01 9:15

And then I was so devastated I could would never give you a son.

SPEAKER_00 9:17

Oh, yeah, that's right. You were super upset about that. And uh, but yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:21

So God's like, all right, just watch, guys.

SPEAKER_00 9:24

Yeah, you just just sit tight.

SPEAKER_01 9:26

Yeah. Um, so, anyways, in the midst of Valentine season and um this romanticized holiday, I think that um we can sometimes like self-loathe and think like, my life is so hard, this is so hard, why are we here? And so um I think that it's good to you know name it and kind of just call it out that it's it's real, but also then we need to remind ourselves of um this this calling and um the covenant that we have in our marriage and and just how powerful that is to have a calling together that such as foster care. And so um let's talk a little bit about how foster care changes marriages and um what were some of the just like practical logistical things that changed um after we became foster parents? Um anything from like how conversations changed to how what date night looked like? Um what are what are some things that you remember changing?

SPEAKER_00 10:44

Uh yeah, I mean I think all of that, you know, instantly. It's just all of a sudden you're it's I mean, it's just like being a parent to bio kids, like your priorities change in an instant. And so with that, like what gives you, you know, I don't know, even joy to talk about with each other is you know progress in this situation, or um you know, uh dealing with the county and what that I mean, you know, it's it's just it it it changes overnight and all of a sudden you just speak this different language.

SPEAKER_01 11:23

Um I do think though, you know the I think the speaking a different language thing is um is huge. And it happens so gradually as you step in as a foster parent that um I don't know that it's something you notice right away until you get over on this side of fostering and you look back and you realize how much you've changed as a couple. And um I I can reflect on that now, being, you know, we were licensed for eight years, we've been involved in foster care for the last 12 years in some capacity. And um now looking back, just the way that we talk and and love others, I mean, everything's kind of been shaped by our journey through foster care. A thousand percent and our marriage today looks so different than it it would have without foster care.

SPEAKER_00 12:26

For sure, for sure. And it it just you know, you you get down in these deep, dark stories of other people's lives and you're in there and um you endure that and you embrace it and you you know you live it, and so therefore all of a sudden you're able to do hard things in at other corners of life and uh and together. And like I'm so thankful that even from the beginning, like God always had you and I on the same page. And I know that's not the case with every situation, you know. And of course we've had our disagreements and you know, but for the for the main goals of of things that we're gonna step into and be obedient, like God has blessed us that we're close to the same page, you know. Um yeah, I remember only one time.

SPEAKER_01 13:18

I'm thinking about it too.

SPEAKER_00 13:20

Yeah, one case where I'm like, nope, and you're like, yeah, and I'm like, nope, and you're like, yeah, and I'm like, yeah, okay. Let's all right, let's let's try it. I got a bad feeling about this, but no, I'm kidding. It was it it worked out for many reasons for the for the good, and it's obviously part of God's plan. Again, it like just goes back to like this is the only area in my life where I am 100% obedient because I know it's not me. You know, not an ounce of it. Yeah. And so it's easy to really kind of, you know, it's easy to even have this conversation and kind of assess our own relationship.

unknown 13:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:00

Yeah. So practically and logistically, I mean, things changed because we were adding more kids, um, which would would happen whether you're bringing in more biological children or bringing in um kids in foster care or adopting children. Your your marriage is going to shift and change because you have more kids. Um just the sheer, sheer volume of your home. Um, I would say that's one thing I didn't really think about.

SPEAKER_00 14:33

Yep. Spoiler alert, she struggles with that all the time. Why is this house so chaotic and loud? Well, it's kind of what we wanted.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

Yeah, I've always wanted a lot of kids. I always loved the movie Cheaper by the Dozen, and I would tell JJ that. And he he didn't want like a ton of kids. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 14:52

My stomach.

SPEAKER_01 14:53

I just never thought about the volume of our home and how how loud it would be. It's very loud.

SPEAKER_00 14:58

Oh, yeah. Yep. I I remind her a lot of like this, this is what comes with it.

SPEAKER_01 15:09

Um but yeah, so I think that you know, we can laugh too. I think that um when you're walking through foster care and adoption, there there's there's no shortage of hard and heavy and um grief. And we have walked through really heart-wrenching situations with kids and their families and um just unimaginable pain, really. Oh, yeah, that we knew we were signing up for, but I but didn't understand just how deeply some deeply painful certain seasons would be.

SPEAKER_00 15:53

For sure.

SPEAKER_01 15:54

Um and so I think that going into to foster care, um, if you're in the midst of it and you've been licensed a while, and maybe you're just in a particularly hard season, I think it's it's good to just name that. And yeah, like this is really hard and I'm hurting. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:14

And um we we both have had seasons where mentally we're we're done.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

And and not on the same page. Not on the same page, no. Like where one season you're in a really hard place and I'm okay, and by and then vice versa. And so while God has kept our hearts unified and and we've been on the same page with our yeses and our no's, except for that one.

SPEAKER_02 16:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:40

Um we haven't always been on the same page, like mentally and emotionally, with like how we're doing.

SPEAKER_00 16:47

For sure. Yeah, yeah. And and the other thing to that is is that like although this overlaps into every corner of your life, you still have other corners of your life that hard things are going wrong. Um, and so that's just reality. That's the world we're living in, you know. And so you have you have it all, you know. And some of that I feel is that like you're doing something super special and you're doing something super selfless. And with that, you're gonna have a target on your back from the enemy. And so you've got Satan on your back in this in this business 24-7.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

Yeah, you know, and so actually, that's something that I keep in the forefront of my mind anytime I'm doing something foster care related. The entire time we were a licensed foster family, when we were first dipping our toes in the information of foster care, I am a researcher and I need to know all the things. And so I just started researching and looking for that. Was when like blogging first started, and I was looking for information and trying to find people who fostered, and that's just who I am. And I came across Jason Johnson's blog, and he had an article about um like foster care and marriage. And I remember he wrote that in there that when you step into foster care, you are like voluntarily painting a target on your back for the enemy.

SPEAKER_02 18:12

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 18:13

Because God loves families and the enemy doesn't. And um the last thing that Satan wants to see is the hope of the gospel brought to hurting families and children.

SPEAKER_02 18:27

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 18:27

And so um, you know, I and that's kind of like that, like gets me jazzed up.

SPEAKER_00 18:33

Oh yeah, it gets uh spiritual warfare and like sticking it to the devil. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:38

And so for me, that was like I needed that as my like, you know, battle cry of like this is my why. Like I'm fighting, I'm fighting the darkness here, and um, you know, God will never leave us in it.

SPEAKER_00 18:54

Nope.

SPEAKER_01 18:55

And we definitely had those experiences.

SPEAKER_00 18:57

Oh, a thousand um a thousand of them, and also like in those really hard things. I mean, the the ones I think of, well, I think of with all three of our boys of like those really hard, dark situations, and each one of them had them in different circumstances. And I'm thinking like, you know, if like if we didn't have the Lord, like what would we do here? Because this would this would be our demise, like, you know. And but not just that, but also seeing God win the war. Like, you know, we're in these battles and God wins the war every time.

SPEAKER_02 19:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:32

And so, and I can, you know, we could talk all day about those those three stories individually, but um they're so like just this super detailed darkness and like you know, the light overcoming. The light overcoming, yeah. Like just miraculous, you know. And so and also I think that gives us encouragement, like for sure, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:57

And that I think keeps us like um connected because we have these wins together. We've seen the faithfulness of God. Like we've gone through the dark valleys, yeah. Maybe not at the exact same time, but we've seen each other go through them, we've gone through them together, and we've also then seen God show up.

SPEAKER_02 20:20

For sure.

SPEAKER_01 20:21

And um, we've seen his faithfulness just play out in our son's stories. And um, and so I don't want you to hear this and think like, oh, you just had, you know, you were always on the same page, it was fostering was pretty easy for your marriage.

SPEAKER_00 20:39

Yeah, it I feel like this is the first breath. Like we're talking about all this. I feel like this is the first breath we've had in years and years and years and years. So yeah, to come across that, like, man, we're on the same level playing field, life is good, this is easy, hop on in.

SPEAKER_01 20:55

No, yeah, no, it's we closed our home um a little over two years ago, and um yeah, we've exhaled a little bit. And but I can think back to just the logistical challenges of you know, we have a family team meeting, we have court, we have a visit, we have this, we have that, we and um this person can't watch them because they're not on our alternative caregiver lift, so we don't have a babysitter and just all the different things and and the uncertainty of what's to come, like you know, just always carrying that with you, and so um it was a fight to find intentional time for each other, and I don't know that like in some seasons probably didn't do great at it.

SPEAKER_02 21:40

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 21:40

And there were seasons that were just like we're just surviving day to day. Yeah, and um and there to me, there's not this special formula of like how to make your marriage stronger through foster care, other than you both have to just depend on Jesus. Absolutely, and that has to be your foundation and your why that you come back to every single day. Yeah, because there'd be days that we were going to bed, we didn't like each other very much.

SPEAKER_02 22:09

For sure.

SPEAKER_01 22:10

And it's not necessarily foster care related, it's just life related. And and life was hard, demanding, stressful, all the things. And um

SPEAKER_00 22:20

I don't know if I really like you right now, to be honest with you. That's not true. That's not true at all. I'm just broken. I'm obsessed with you, actually. You always tell me why you obsessed with me.

SPEAKER_01 22:29

It's true. You and Grayson.

SPEAKER_00 22:33

Yeah, me and Grayson. Yeah. We are obsessed. For different reasons, though.

SPEAKER_01 22:38

Okay, Whitney.

SPEAKER_00 22:40

Okay, sorry. All right.

SPEAKER_01 22:43

Okay. Getting back on track.

SPEAKER_00 22:48

I had something good to say there, and now I forget.

SPEAKER_01 22:52

Because your mind's in the gutter.

SPEAKER_00 22:53

Oh yeah, it was there for a second.

SPEAKER_01 22:56

So you mentioned the um, you know, the one time we didn't agree, and you said yes anyways.

SPEAKER_00 23:03

Um, that's what I actually was gonna say to add to that is that like I think also like early on in our marriage we had this super good lesson of not putting our faith and hope in each other. And I think I it I I think Christian marriages are different when it comes to that, and that you know, you have a savior to look to.

SPEAKER_01 23:31

We can't expect each other to be Jesus.

SPEAKER_00 23:33

But we can't you can't you can you know and I think uh human nature sometimes it's easy to forget that. Um and that uh you know you want the answers from your spouse or you your needs from your spouse. Um and that's just a setup for failure. Um I th I think it you need to look higher than that, and I think you need to be realistic that you know that's that might not be where you're gonna get those things, you know. Yeah. I think you when you have an understanding of that, it helps. It it helps, especially in harder times, you know, of thinking that like, oh man, this is all her fault. Or yeah. I don't know, you know what I mean though.

SPEAKER_01 24:18

Yeah. Shift gears a little bit and just talk about some um practical stuff. Like, obviously, when you become a foster parent, there's a lot more added to your plate, just in like your daily rhythms. And um with your you have a worker visiting each each month for the child, you have a worker visiting for your family, you have added doctor's appointments and therapies, you have visits every week. So um that has to get done. And the two of you are still only two people, and so um, what does that look like for a marriage? And I think that it's important, just like you go through, you know, premarital counseling. And I remember in our premarital counseling, Pastor Scott said, you know, who's paying your bills? Who's doing this? Who's in charge of this? And we kind of talk through that stuff for sure. And I think the same thing's important as you're considering foster care, or if you're newly licensed before a placement comes, who is going to be the primary communicator with the caseworker? Who's taking the ki the child to their visits? Who's responsible for those things? And um Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:32

So for us, which is funny because I I often think about that. And I think uh uh, you know, a man in my twenties when we were going through that marriage counseling stuff, I thought this is the stupidest thing I've ever been a part of. And then I look back now and I was like, oh man, that really laid some perfect groundwork for making things just logistically work.

SPEAKER_01 25:51

And just being at a level of understanding.

SPEAKER_00 25:54

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:54

Mm-hmm of strengths and weaknesses.

SPEAKER_00 25:56

Strengths and weaknesses. Yeah. Like you have a great high capacity for obtaining information and just that's why I'm a crazy person. Yeah, I agree. But I mean, but you can just file it away, you know, and like, you know, uh physically. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 26:15

I was the primary communicator with the case workers.

SPEAKER_00 26:17

Yeah, you were.

SPEAKER_01 26:18

For sure, like I'm the researcher, I'm the one that likes all the information. I want to know when the visit is, I want to know mom's name, I want to, you know, look into this and look into that. And that's who I am as a person. And so we never sat down and really like had these conversations, but when we stepped into foster care, it was kind of like our whole life was flipped upside down, and we felt like I was called to leave the workplace and stay home. And this was like what I was diving into full.

SPEAKER_00 26:50

And I still I mean, even to this day, but even then, like I just my brain space for that sort of information. I have a lot of that with work, and like I just didn't have it. I still don't. Like, I just couldn't I don't have the capacity to do both.

SPEAKER_01 27:04

Quick, what's our kids' birth dates? Go.

SPEAKER_00 27:06

All of them?

SPEAKER_01 27:08

Just kidding.

SPEAKER_00 27:09

I got it. I got it. Give me a sec. We don't need to all right.

SPEAKER_01 27:13

We don't need to broadcast them on podcast. But anyway, um, that's just things to think about because those are the types of little things that can breed resentment if you're not on the same page.

SPEAKER_00 27:26

I mean, even to like today, like what you could say today, like, you know, you take care of just making sure they don't miss anything as they go out the door. And I'm the runner. I get I drive Avery to school, I turn around, I I drive the boys to the bus. You know, it's 50-50 on Grayson, but um, you know what I mean. It's just like and that's and even just has uh even going back to like stressful times, like that as a husband, as a as a man, like here's here's my wife's job jar, you know, and here are some of the stuff that I know that I can absolutely take off of her plate. And some of them are just like a physic, you know, more of a physical thing. And I just remember that distinctly, especially when your darkest time was like, what can I take off your plate? You know, these sort of things I can't. I don't have the capacity for it. I can't do it. Like, unfortunately, I wish I could take it all, but I can't. But I know I could do these things, you know.

SPEAKER_01 28:23

I think that's just yeah, we use that term job jar. Job jar. Like what's in your job jar.

SPEAKER_00 28:28

Yep. So we get to throw it in each other's faces when you don't.

SPEAKER_01 28:31

Oh, that's not in my job jar.

SPEAKER_00 28:33

That's not in my job jar. Thought that was in your job jar.

SPEAKER_01 28:39

So it's good to be have those conversations, know what's in each other's job jars. Yep. And then um, but we've also had times where we've just like our job jars are are full to capacity. We can't put another thing in and we need to take a step back and reassess. And so um, what has that looked like for us as we've taken maybe little breaks here and there?

SPEAKER_00 29:02

Yeah. Um, yeah, I feel like we're coming into one of those two of just kind of coming into maybe some challenging things with family. And um, you know, sometimes your yes has to be a no to another thing. And I um I just recently did that, you know, where I had to step away from some of the stuff at our at our church that I serve at. Um because this this yes is um, you know, what God's calling me to do. So to pay attention to stuff like that. Um I think as a team, I think we work at a pretty high level because of just trying to have each other's backs, you know.

SPEAKER_01 29:41

And but there were certainly times throughout our eight years of licensure that we said, you know, we're on a break. Yeah, we need we need a breather.

SPEAKER_02 29:49

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 29:50

And then there were times we said we're on a break and we took a kid anyways. Yeah. For sure.

SPEAKER_02 29:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:55

So um, but I think just yeah, having those quick like touch base, like where are you at? Like where's your where's your barometer reading? You know, like how much more can you take on right now? And um, and also just being truly at the end of the day in tune with what God's asking you to do. Because there were times where we felt like, no, I can't take another thing, but God's asking me to. And so I'm gonna lay something else down so that I can make room for this.

SPEAKER_00 30:24

Uh yeah, 100%. So 100%.

SPEAKER_01 30:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:28

Um I think it takes you know, I don't know. Our our word these days is grit. I think it all just takes a sense of grit.

SPEAKER_01 30:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:38

Um and uh I'm just thankful that God has given us that to just, you know, yeah, just get after it.

SPEAKER_01 30:48

Yeah, so I think like in the thick of it, when we think about marriage health, we didn't see like it deteriorating. I think it was more personal health, like each of us were feeling a little bit more and more rammed down.

SPEAKER_02 31:08

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:09

And um, and so I think we started to see that in each other, and then it was kind of like how can we help each other help ourselves? And um like even down to going to the gym every day, yeah. Like just like making that space for each other to do those types of things, and you know, when Hope Bridge actually before Hope Bridge was first launching, but like those Tuesday night coffee, like the first Tuesday of every night coffee at Nicole's, like that was something that I needed. That was life-giving to me.

SPEAKER_00 31:43

Yeah, you truly needed it.

SPEAKER_01 31:44

I needed to connect with other moms that got it, and um, so you know, JJ making space for he's doing bedtime, you know, just things like that.

SPEAKER_00 31:53

And I yeah, I mean, that's I think again, as uh as a loving spouse, like you it it's it's like this this this balance of like God honoring, but also like loving your spouse, because even at as your roles here has progressed, like that is that has put more of you know the the kids' stuff on my plate. And there's not there's not an ounce of resentment. First off, it's it's just wonderful to spend that much time with the kids. Um but also it's just like an understanding that like she is doing what God has called us to do. And so my role now is kind of now like supporting her in a lot of ways and um just acknowledging that and being okay with that, no pride, push it all aside, just you know, just stay, you know.

SPEAKER_01 32:45

I don't know what the word I'm looking for is, but just um just be confident in where God has you and the seasons.

SPEAKER_00 32:51

For sure, yeah, yeah. The role that he's actually. But um yeah, it's always like it's always good. You know, even in the bad, it's good, you know. Like God's gonna bring something awesome out of it. And so we've just seen that. And now, like talking about connection um, you know, between you and I, I just the kids are now getting old enough to that we can start making memories. And so I just feel like our our lives are shifting a little bit more into doing things and seeing things and um and we're doing it together. And you know, those all those difficult years of just feeling like we're in survival mode, like there's a little bit of like we're we're bearing fruit a little bit, and that's bringing us closer.

SPEAKER_01 33:38

Yeah, I would agree. And I think that um, you know, if I look back on our foster care journey, maybe the one thing that we didn't do great at is like carving out time for just the two of us because we were just in survival mode so much. I feel like God was gracious to keep us connected and united through that, even though we didn't do a good job at making that time. But looking back, and I would say advice to other foster parents in the throes of it would be to find a way to make that time because we've been doing it now.

SPEAKER_02 34:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:11

Um, and it's been really sweet. And um it's super hard. It's so hard to leave your kids and and you know, put that on family member or friends or whoever's stepping up to help you. It's a lot of work, it's really hard.

SPEAKER_02 34:24

It's a lot of effort.

SPEAKER_01 34:25

Yes, yeah, but it's worth it, and it's really good to um just get time that you can rest and relax. And um, even if it's just one night, yeah. Um, or just the afternoon, because for a while there we were doing like Friday lunches. Yep.

SPEAKER_00 34:42

Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:43

Um to just connect here or there.

SPEAKER_00 34:46

Yeah. The last two years you and I just got back from something together, which was amazing. Um, and then last year, like and your your folks stepped in for that, and God bless them, because that's a lot. Yeah. But they did it, and they did it well, and that it was awesome. Um, and then last year you and I went up to Michigan and our long weekend. Yeah, and our friends stepped in, you know. And like, how awesome's that, you know? Right. So shout out to them.

SPEAKER_01 35:12

So letting people care for you and um not feeling like a burden, because I think that that's what held us back. It's feeling like a burden. We have a lot of kids.

SPEAKER_02 35:21

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 35:21

You didn't ask for this. We, you know, we did this.

SPEAKER_02 35:24

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 35:25

So um I think laying down because that's kind of a pride issue.

SPEAKER_00 35:29

Like it is, it is. Yep. This is too much for you, but we it's not just pride though, it's also guilt. Like if you know, I just you know, I just always felt like I'm not I'm not doing that to somebody else, you know, for my own enjoyment. You know what I mean? And so yeah, I think that that needs to, you know, change in your mind a bit that um, you know, that's that's that's also could be their way of loving and serving, you know. And so, you know, to take that away from them is just wrong, really. You know, you need to take advantage.

SPEAKER_01 36:00

But it also doesn't have to be trips to be meaningful connection and um to just like make that time for each other. Like I said, we would we did like Friday lunch dates one winter. Um we did a we did a grief purchase after Oh, after Grayson left, yeah. And we got a hot tub. Yeah, and I tell that story a lot, actually. Yeah, because yeah, it was definitely a grief purchase. We were s heartbroken.

SPEAKER_00 36:31

It starts off so materialistic, like it sounds like, you know, oh, we're sad. Let's buy a hot tub, you know?

SPEAKER_01 36:37

Like But also, yeah, JJ has a concrete company, pours concrete for a living.

SPEAKER_00 36:42

So Yeah, my back always hurts.

SPEAKER_01 36:44

I mean, um I'm always so it was it's been something we had been talking about for years, but we just so happened after he left, we went and and finally got it. And so man, but it's turned into be such a gift for he and I because it's something where you know we go out, we don't have a phone, the kids are in bed, and so it's like a date night, and we just sit and have uninterrupted conversation, which yeah, I know if you have more than two kids out there, just just uninterrupted conversation feels like a date. It does, it could be in your kitchen having it, and you're like, we're on a date right now.

SPEAKER_00 37:15

Absolutely, yeah. So and that yeah, the year we did that, that first year was my hard year. And man, like that that talking with you every night in it, like truly was like a gift from the Lord. Yeah you know what I mean? Because yeah, I was in a bad place that year, you know. And uh and I reflect on that sometimes when we're still just chatting away in the hot tub, you know, because we still do it. Um it's just a perfect place to be disconnected from kids and devices and yeah, just all the distractions. Yeah, yeah. Man, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:54

So I would say, you know, just full circle back to Valentine's Day. We are not this like lovey dovey type of couple of like gift givers and like really thoughtful gifts, and would that's just never been who we are. And and neither one of us gift give like gift giving is our love language. And so like Valentine's Day to me is like, oh, it's just I mean, he does get me chocolate-covered strawberries every year. I do, but he usually eats some of them too.

SPEAKER_00 38:27

Oh you think I got them for you.

SPEAKER_01 38:32

I mean, but like that's pretty much the extent of it. We've never done like, oh, let's go to dinner for Valentine's Day, let's do this for like it's not it's never been a big thing. So for to like I don't know, talk about Valentine's Day, I'm kind of like eh, who cares? But I know there are people out there that care a lot about little things like that. And so um just a reminder, as you're in the throes of it, that um God has just like called you and your spouse to something really unique and special. And um if you remain firmly planted on that truth, that God's using you and your spouse in a really special way, in a unique way that He does not call everybody to. Yeah, clearly does not call everybody to the front lines of foster care. We're all called to do something.

SPEAKER_02 39:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:29

But as a as a foster parent on the front lines, it's a really, really special thing. And um, the fact that you're doing it together as a as a married Christian couple, um, I mean, I just feel like you don't even we don't even know the impact that it it is gonna have on lives, on generations to come. We don't, but God has written it into your story, and I think that the sweetest thing is to um just see all of the good that he's brought in it and um and even in the bad, uh embrace it.

SPEAKER_00 40:08

Um know that it's not that it know that it's temporary and that good is to come from it, you know. Um I've had to be reminded of that over the over the years, you know, of like this, this, you know, that it's such a cliche to say like this too shall pass, but like the cool part of this is and the and this foster care journey is that like when it passes, it it usually you know just brings something good.

SPEAKER_01 40:36

And that there's not yeah, there's not another single person in the world besides your spouse that has walked through those hard things this at the same time as you and um you know have the same stories to tell and and like we talked about earlier in the episode, have seen God's faithfulness. Yeah. I mean, I tell people all the time, like, you know, we hear the stories in the Bible and we think like, wow, like God did those things. He split a C, like a literal C, and He just worked all these crazy miracles. And and it's easy to say, like, God doesn't work like that today. But I I tell people like, just become a foster parent because you see those types of big miracles.

SPEAKER_00 41:20

And just kind of open your eyes and your heart and your mind to pay attention to to, you know, because you know, those same miracles are going on.

SPEAKER_01 41:28

Yeah, and that's where that's where your your marriage gets that gritty faith because you you see it and um there's no denying it, and you get to experience it together.

SPEAKER_00 41:39

In the outside world, hard things just don't become quite as hard. Um, and it's something that you you can choose to um embrace as a couple or not. Um we've chosen to embrace it. Yeah. And uh yeah, it wouldn't happen any other way.

SPEAKER_01 41:57

No. All right. Well, I think that we should probably wrap up.

SPEAKER_00 42:02

That sounds great.

SPEAKER_01 42:07

Um, we'll link that post that I read in our show notes so that you can go back and um look at that or share that if you um just want to be reminded or want to encourage others in this Valentine's season to just be reminded that marriage and love isn't about Valentine's Day and um the lovey dovey. It is about that gritty faith together and doing hard things together and watching God be faithful through it all and growing you stronger as a married couple.

SPEAKER_00 42:42

And chocolate-covered strawberries.

SPEAKER_01 42:44

That's right. If you ever don't have those, don't come home that day. Yeah, don't, don't you dare come home. All right, guys. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being a guest. Thanks for having me on.

SPEAKER_00 42:57

Thanks for having me on. How much do I get paid for this? No. When's the check?

SPEAKER_01 43:01

You can pick out a Hope Ridge sticker.

SPEAKER_00 43:03

Heck yeah. All right, sounds good. I'll take it.

SPEAKER_01 43:05

All right, guys, thanks for listening. Check our show notes for links, and we will see you next week.