123. A Life Wrecked for the Gospel: Kirsten Smith’s Adoption Journey

In this episode, we sit down with Kirsten Smith, Summit County Coordinator for Hope Bridge, to hear her incredible journey as a mother of nine adopted children from foster care. Kirsten shares openly about her family’s story, beginning with her and her husband Josh navigating infertility and feeling God’s call toward adoption. She reflects on bringing home sibling groups, the challenges of raising children from trauma, and the unexpected ways God has provided for their family, including a miraculous gift of a bigger home and navigating her own health struggles with thyroid cancer. 

Kirsten also opens up about the ongoing challenges of parenting a child with serious mental health needs, including multiple inpatient psychiatric stays, and how her faith has sustained her through seasons of uncertainty, grief, and fear. She emphasizes the importance of trusting God’s plan, embracing His timing, and stepping into foster care and adoption even when the path feels overwhelming.  

This episode is full of hope, honesty, and encouragement for anyone involved in foster care, adoption, or walking a season of unexpected trials. 

Episode Highlights:  

• From infertility to adoption 
• Raising kids from trauma 
• God’s unexpected provision 
• Faith through health struggles 
• Navigating mental health challenges 
• Trusting God’s plan 
• Encouragement for foster parents 

Find more on Guest: 

• Support Kirsten’s Son in Funding His Residential Treatment 
• In the Room by Maverick City Music 
• Lifesong for Orphans  

Find More on Hope Bridge: 

• Chat with a Hope Bridge Staff Member 
• Visit Our Website  
• Follow us on Instagram 
• Follow us on Facebook  

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:05

Hope Bridge is on a gospel-led mission to transform the foster care landscape in Ohio. We're here to raise awareness and empower churches and communities to step into action by supporting vulnerable children and families in their local communities. In this podcast, we'll be shining a light on stories of hope, redemption, and transformation, and sharing practical ways that you can step in and get involved. Welcome to Restoried, a podcast by Hope Ridge. Welcome back to Restoried. This is Nicole Bowman and I will be your host for today. I have with me my good friend Kirsten Smith. Kirsten is actually one of our newest team members. She has been joining our team as our Summit County coordinator. So she'll be working with churches in Summit County. Kirsten comes to this role as someone who has a lot of lived experience. And so we know that she'll be such a blessing as she continues to move on and serve those in this county. So welcome, Kirsten. Thank you. So glad to have you here today. Why don't you give us a little introduction to who you are and your family and so everyone can get to know you a little bit better?

SPEAKER_00 1:27

Yeah, I'm Kirsten, and I'm married to my husband Josh. We've been married for 24 years, and we have nine kids all adopted from foster care. Three girls, six boys. Our oldest is 24, and she'll be getting married this summer. And then we have twins that are 10.

SPEAKER_01 1:44

So you're just in all the different phases of life right now.

SPEAKER_00 1:48

Almost every phase. Yeah. I think you need to add a toddler to that just for fun. Okay. Tell my husband. Well, we have a dog. Maybe the dog counts as the toddler now.

SPEAKER_01 1:57

I think you really just need to add a toddler. I need some company here in this space, you know. Okay. Yeah. So um you mentioned that all of your children were adopted. And so do you mind going back a little bit and sharing your story? Because I know it's uh it was an interesting journey and it started a long time ago. And yeah, kind of share your story with us.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

Yes, I can definitely do that. Um, it started when we got married, actually, right before we got married, we talked about both of us having the idea of adopting someday, and really both wanted to have a family, and that was my dream for a long time to be a wife and a mother. And so we got married, waited a while, and started on that journey. And pretty quickly, in, um, we had a lot of friends that were getting pregnant at the time, and thought, well, this will probably happen quickly, and it wasn't. So, about six months in, I had a really strong feeling that I didn't think it was gonna happen. And we ended up having some testing done after a year, and um, I had to have a minor surgery, and they couldn't find anything that was wrong, preventing us from conceiving. So, we were diagnosed medically unexplained and fertile, and felt like that was God making it very clear that adoption was gonna be uh the answer to us having a family. So, we started to look into that. Actually, I should back up and say that I was a caseworker at the time that we got married. So I worked for a local county job and family services, and I was uh an ongoing protective worker. So I had a lot of exposure to foster care and adoption and kids and families that were in the system. Then, fast forward a little while when Josh and I got our infertility diagnosis and started looking into adoption. Uh, the Lord reminded me of all the kids in foster care that I had worked with years before and a lot of sibling groups that had to be separated, oftentimes to no fault of their own. There weren't homes that were equipped to take more than one child at a time. So that prompted us to look into being open to a sibling group. And we felt like uh we could manage three children, ages five uh and younger, up to three children is what I was trying to say. So uh that's what happened. We heard about a sibling group of three that had just um gone into permanent custody, and they were gonna need an adoptive family. So um, you know, several things had to happen. Um, but that's what ultimately ended up happening that those three kiddos came to us. So we started our family in 2006 with a four and a half year old and a two and a half year old and a 15-month-old. And that's our 24-year-old now and 22 and 21. Um, they came to us in the fall of 06 and we adopted um in 07. So it was a pretty quick process. Um, and that was great. We thought we had our family, and it was not without challenges, you know, at the time it seemed so hard adjusting to um, you know, bringing in three kids at once, and they had never lived in a safe, stable, you know, two-parent household. And so they had to adjust to all of that. The foster home that they were in before they came to us, wonderful older Christian woman who just took such great care of them for the year that they were with her, but they weren't used to having a mom and a dad around in a healthy way. Um, our daughter uh started having seizures um six months into them being placed with us. And we always think it's so interesting, you know, we say we have an idea of what we think we can handle and manage and our preferences. And when you fill out that child, um, I can't remember what it's called. Characteristic. Yes, characteristic checklist. Um, I remember clearly my husband and I sitting on our bed going through that and and me reading off each thing and getting to epilepsy and seizure disorders, you know, and I was like, Do you know what to do with that? And he said, No, not really. And I said, I feel like we should say no. Cause I mean, we could learn, but you know. So when she started having seizures, we were like, Oh, look at God. It's like, I know you said no, but you know, here you go. Right. It's like I'm taking something that you said you can't do and showing you that now you have to learn how to do this. So that was a really beautiful thing because it was so challenging, but it also gave us an opportunity to love her even more and love her harder than we would have had to had she not had that. Um, and praise the Lord, she's been seizure-free for many, many years, not taking any medication anymore. It's a beautiful thing. But um, yeah, so we had, you know, it was a few years of adjusting and managing behaviors and figuring out how to parent kids from hard places at the time. There wasn't a lot of information out about that. And so we definitely didn't know what we were doing. We made some mistakes. Uh, we were told, um, just love these kids the way that you would love any kid and they'll be fine. And now we know that that's not true. Um, there's a whole different way to parent kids from trauma and foster care. So um I, our daughter was always asking for a sister. And I would say, pray that the Lord makes our bodies work that way, or that He calls us to foster care and adoption again. Because otherwise, you know, we thought we were good. We've got three kids. This is great. You can still drive the minivan. We could still, I had a seven-passenger minivan. I love that thing. Um, and you know, three was good. Three was three was enough, and we were managing well. We called it our little party of five. And then the Lord um just started showing us all these signs. You know, there'd be billboards for children's services or um a song on the radio would make us think like, oh, is that like kind of pointing to foster care and adoption stuff? Our church at the time had a human trafficking conference, and one of the people that one of our pastors interviewed was a vice squad detective from the city of Akron. And the pastor asked him, who are the most vulnerable to trafficking in our area? And he said the runaways and the throwaways and the kids in foster care. And I sat there and thought, oh my word. So if there's kids right now that are vulnerable to that because they're in care and they need um structure and security and safety, who are we to sit here and say, hey, we don't have to step into that space? Like we already did. Um, and I'm not saying that everybody's called to do it again, but the Lord was making it very clear that we couldn't keep saying no to it. So we got licensed again. Um, we did our kids came to us in 06. We got licensed again in 2013. Um and again, felt like if the Lord wants to bring a sibling group, he can. Our our first thought was a sister for our daughter. Um, and then God made it very obvious. Like he brought in a sibling group of three before. And so if there's one that's needing a home, you could say yes. And that's exactly what happened through, you know, of course, unique circumstances like God does. We ended up with another sibling group of three, and they were the same ages as our older ones when they came. They were five and three and a half, well, close, five, three and a half, and eighteen months old. Um so that was wild. And their case was new at the time. Uh, they hadn't been in care for very long. And so there was a lot to manage. They were visiting three times a week. Um, behaviors were out of control. We had many times where we thought we did the wrong thing. We said yes and we should not have said yes. Like we misheard God. We didn't read the signs correctly. And I remember clearly, um, you know, I would get up early in the morning to be up before any of the kids got up. So as soon as they got up, I could be there to help with, you know, getting out of bed, using the toilet, all the things you're working on with younger kids, especially kids, you know, from trauma backgrounds that don't have the ability to function in a safe environment yet. And I was walking down the stairs and I stopped and I leaned against the wall and I said out loud, Lord, I feel like I'm dying. And I felt like, not audibly, but I felt like he responded, that's exactly how you're supposed to feel. And I was like, oh my word, yes, I'm supposed to die to myself. And so that's exactly what you're calling me to do, and you're using this situation to do it. So those kids came in April of 2014, and then they had a brother born in June of 2014 that went to relatives. And when he was six weeks old, uh, we got a call from children's services asking if he could come stay with us. The relatives weren't sure how involved they were supposed to be at the time. They had a pretty stable family, but the rest of the family wasn't that stable. So we said that we would um take him. We were open to taking him when he was born, but he went to relatives. And so we trusted that that's where God wanted him to be. And when they called and asked if he could come to us, we just were so shocked. So we actually bought a bigger van before he came in preparation for him coming. Um, and then we were a little annoyed after because we were like, oh, I don't need to drive a 12-passenger van when I only have six kids. But then I ended up with seven kids. Um sorry, I had to do that. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 12:08

You guys can't see what she's doing, but she's making the six-seven sign.

SPEAKER_00 12:12

I can't believe you said that's the age that we're in right now.

SPEAKER_01 12:15

The age of guys everywhere doing those things. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 12:17

Okay. I thought maybe you just added that out. Oh no, we're keeping that in here. We're keeping that in. Okay. So then we had seven kids, and um a few months, let me see, it was June of 14, August of 14, he came to us, and then we moved. So we had seven kids, and we were living in a uh 1200 square foot house. We had four bedrooms, but they were pretty small, and one bathroom, only one bathroom. Wow. And it was on the second floor. So that was one of those things. You know, I was making my way down the stairs that morning. I was like, oh my word, I feel like I'm dying because I was up and down the stairs all day long helping potty train and you know, kids who just couldn't be unsupervised in the bathroom and it was so much work. But I loved that house. I still do. And um, I would say to the Lord, we don't fit here well, but I love this house and I'm content here. So help me to stay content because this is where you have us. If you want us to move, you're gonna have to do something miraculous because we can't afford to move to a bigger home. And so I honestly thought that uh what made the most sense was that money would fall from the sky for us to pick up and buy a house with, or that uh somehow Oprah would hear about our story and be like, we need to buy these people a bigger house. And what God actually did was a few months later, so it was the fall of 2015, um, 14, it was the fall of 2014, a good friend of ours that my husband met in high school youth group um came to my husband and and said that he and his wife felt like the Lord was calling them to buy us a house. So they were going to take out a second mortgage um to finance a bigger home for our family. And we just thought that's the craziest thing. I should back up. I have to back up all the time. When we got our van, they wanted to do something for us to help us out. And um Josh was like, I don't know, maybe they're gonna buy an extended warranty or something. Well, they they offered to put TVs in it. And I was like, we don't need a TV. I've never had a TV in a vehicle. And he said, You you might have seven kids. You're gonna need a TV in your van at some point. So they they did that, and we thought that was wild. And then a few months later, they're telling us they felt like the Lord was telling them to buy us a house. So, I mean, we were just completely shocked, and still to this day I say, Josh, can you believe that was the answer to that? Like what what we never would have imagined that. So we moved. Um, our house basically doubled in size, and we moved into a five-bedroom home and um thinking this is great for seven kids, you know. A few months later, um, I ended up getting diagnosed with thyroid cancer, and so that was a lot to navigate. I need to back up again. I should say I wanted to share the story about the house because God provides in ways that we more than we can ask and imagine, the word says, and in ways that we would we would never think. I guess that's the imagining piece. Um the the ways that he has set up to provide for the things that he's called us into. You know, a lot of times we look at our circumstances and we're like, I don't know how I'm gonna do this, I don't know how I'm gonna make this happen. And God then shows us what he's going to do and how he's going to make it happen. And we have learned we really need to rest in, he's shown us enough that we know he's gonna show up. We just don't always know what it's gonna look like. And so then when we jump ahead to me having cancer, that could have been really scary. And there were moments that it kind of felt scary, but um honestly, we felt like, Lord, you've shown us so much of how good you are and how you'll provide and care for us. So we have to trust you as we step into this that it's going to be okay. And and it could go two ways. It's either gonna be okay and I'll be all right, or I'm gonna go to heaven earlier than we thought. And that's gonna be okay too. We have to trust God's gonna provide for Josh and these seven kids. So as we're navigating, getting that diagnosis, before we got the diagnosis, I'm getting a lot of testing done. And we found out that our second set of kids, the four, that their birth mom was expecting again. And we said that we'd be open to taking placement if need be. Um, and everyone thought we were crazy. Like we we had people saying, why? We had them saying that when we took in number seven. Why? Why do you have to do it? There's so many people that would want a baby, and we felt so strongly if we can to keep him from being separated from his siblings, then we will. It will stretch us, it will be hard. But to us, it was worth it being stretched so that he didn't have to grow up wondering why he wasn't with them. And they they didn't have to think, well, where's our baby brother? Why, why can't he be here too? So we said we'd take placement of this newborn, you know, when it came. Um, and then we found out that birth mom was expecting twins. And uh this was right before I got my diagnosis. I just really clearly felt like God was saying the twins are gonna come to you and you're gonna have nine kids, and I need to slow you down. So I'm giving you this cancer because I'm gonna make you rest because you're about to have nine kids. And that's exactly what happened. So I got my diagnosis and I had surgery a month after that. I was supposed to be in the hospital for one night, maybe two. I was there for five. I often joke that those were some of the most glorious five nights of my life because I was basically alone. Um, I didn't watch a lot of TV because I didn't feel good, but I got to choose what I watched when I had the TV on. And um, just the way that I saw the Lord's provision in that of having that time. I woke up every morning to a beautiful sunrise, you know, after I was woken up at three for blood draws. But um it was amazing. And what happened was my blood calcium level, which I didn't even know was a thing until then, dropped so low that I could have died during surgery. So I had to stay in the hospital and be monitored and and be on IVs. Um and it and it took five nights to get me. Could we have made it seven? Can we do I have to leave yet? Um so that was really neat. And then um that was in November, and then in January I had radiation, and then the twins were born in February. So uh the way that God lined all that up for me to walk through that, and when they came, it was kind of right after I was healthy enough to be able to start lifting again and you know, functioning again. Um, it was really hard. But the fact that we could bring these babies in and these kids could all be together and grow up together was so absolutely worth all the hardship that we went through and all the stress and all of the things.

SPEAKER_01 19:53

You think about how many times people start to wrestle with that question of can I say yes to foster care? Can I say yes to adoption? And we start to think of all the logistical like problems that could raise by adding more children to our home, or you know, it's not like God says, Hey, I'm gonna ask you to step into this space, and by the way, you're gonna take nine children, and by the way, you're gonna have cancer during that journey, and by the way, you're gonna feel like you're dying. Will you still say yes? You know, he's so mindful and gracious not to even tell us what's happening tomorrow. Right. You know, he doesn't, that's part of trusting him and having faith that he's sovereign and in control. And he just says, trust me in this moment now. Yeah, trust me to guide you to make the right decision. So when I'm saying, will you do this for me? And you're saying yes, you can be confident that no matter what's on the other side of this day, that I'll be there with you. I've gone before you. Yeah, um, he doesn't tell us what hard is coming, but he also doesn't always tell us what blessings are there, too. Yeah, you know? Yeah, absolutely. And so it's a both end. Yeah, you're saying yes was a really hard yes, but it also was such a blessing because of the way he showed up for you. Yes. And showed you things about him you could have never learned about him. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 21:22

We have said that so many times that we know Jesus better than we ever would have, and we wouldn't trade that for anything.

SPEAKER_01 21:28

Yeah. Yeah. We often share the phrase that we've had other heard others say that we're inviting people to wreck their lives for the sake of the gospel. Yeah, your life's been wrecked. Absolutely. And you've sacrificed and you've lived out your faith through the motherhood that God's called you to. And and I also want to say, you know, there's always this wrestling of like people who've struggled with infertility and they have that grief or that. um their expectations haven't been met in life about you know having their own biological children and and yet you so quickly turned to stepping into foster care and adoption what would you say to those moms or women who are not moms now but they're wrestling with that like I'm still dealing with this grief like how would you you know I know what I say but what would you say to somebody who's really wrestling through that and is this an option is this option okay if you are struggling with infertility you know because you get a lot of you know a lot of people will push up against that you shouldn't step into foster care at all if you're struggling with infertility what would you say to that right there's several things I don't think that that infertility issue is ever going to be fully resolved this side of heaven I think that um you know God created women to bear children and a lot of us grow up with that dream and that desire and when it's not granted it's heartbreaking and I carry little pieces of that with me and most of the time at this stage of life I'm okay but there are still times it hits me.

SPEAKER_00 23:09

I'm gonna be 50 this year and I um experienced menopause early and so when that happened and I realized oh there's no chance now you know there was always still a chance there was always like a little bit of a hope that maybe this will happen. And when that hit it just was I was so sad. I don't know a couple days I just was so sad and I have a couple friends that I would text and just you know I'm just crying um yeah to watch a dream slip away is really painful. What happened for me early, I I think a big piece of it and and it's opposite of what most people think I was a caseworker and so I saw a lot of situations where a lot of people would say that woman doesn't deserve to have a child. That family shouldn't have had another kid. You know I can't get pregnant but this mom who abused her kids is pregnant again. And and that is that's a con I hear that a lot. Oh yeah what the Lord did for me and it was all grace is I remember walking away from a situation where a woman the circumstances that she was in it almost seemed like it shouldn't be possible for her body to conceive a child. The choices that she was making the way this child was going to be brought into the world just felt like it shouldn't be happening. And I remember walking away and thinking if she can conceive in these circumstances and I'm doing everything right quote unquote you know I'm I'm got prenatal vitamins and I'm checking my temperature and all these things if she can conceive and I can't there's gotta be a reason that I'm not and I and I chose to I I think by God's grace not turn away from him in that but step into it and say what are you doing? What are you showing me? And I remember one time clearly driving home from work when I was a caseworker and saying to the Lord out loud why not me? You know why am I not conceiving my friends are I'm seeing these you know people that I work with all these things why not me and I and again not audibly but I felt like he responded and saying why not you? Why can't I do something different with you? And he gave me the ability to again step into that and and instead of like no I don't want something different to fight against it to say what what different thing would you have for me? What do you want this to look like I I wanted his will for my life and I prayed often that he would make my desire for his will stronger than my desire for my own will. And this is when he brought me I guess my life verse I don't know you know how do you pick one verse out of the whole Bible but this is when he showed me Proverbs 1921 and it's written in Proverbs I don't know two or three times different phrasing but he showed me Proverbs 1921 which is many are the plans in a man's heart, Kirsten's heart, but it's the Lord's purpose that prevails and I thought oh I could I could make a plan for everything. Okay. But his purpose is going to prevail and so I want that. I want what his purpose is over what my plan is and choosing to trust that it's it's gonna be good even though we had no idea then what it looked like. So I I would never you know it's such a touchy area. Everybody walks through infertility differently and um some people struggle and and some people kind of move on faster. You just never know. So I've I'm always hesitant to say oh here's what you need to do here's how you need to pray um but I hope that that encourages someone and that maybe there'd be a willingness to to lay that down and ask the Lord what do you have for me? Because this has been my dream. I'm not saying it would happen but there are people who adopt and then they get pregnant you know and I and I don't think they got pregnant because they adopted. And that's the timeline that he had and his timeline is rarely the same as our timeline. The other thing I would say you asked about when people push up against that you know I started with I don't think infertility is going to be fully resolved this side of heaven. And so if someone is is struggling with infertility and grieving that but also feeling called to adoption, I don't think they're coming up with that on their own. I think if the Lord has intended foster care andor adoption for them, um, that he's bringing that to them and that they can trust him with that and that he's gonna sort it all out. You know he he's gonna work it all out. And we may not see all of that in our lifetime on this earth but someday we'll see the big picture and and we'll know that that he was right and that we walked the way that he wanted us to so good. Okay so here you are nine children life is just dandy you've got your 12 passenger van you're doing life um and everything is just great from there right now oh I wish it has been such a journey and you know there's typical behaviors that kids have everybody you know every kid has behavior struggles in some way and then you add on the behaviors that kids have when they have a traumatic start to life and even when you look at our twins who we brought home from the hospital still when there's exposure um to domestic violence and drugs and alcohol in the womb uh that just changes everything their brains are wired differently um from the start yeah and so you're just working with such a different set of circumstances so um I say and I don't say lightly all of our kids have something not all of them have um severe diagnoses but everybody's got something and everybody's different and everybody responds to their story differently and everybody's had different questions and different things that they've needed to work through. We're finding ourselves in a season now where our 22 year old son is struggling with some very serious mental health um diagnoses and it's been a a a long journey I want to say it's been a few years but it really um things I guess kind of really fell apart where we noticed um in September of 2024 now. It's hard to believe it's been a year and a half already um where he shared um some things that were happening in his mind that he was struggling with and um it was just absolutely devastating and out of sake for his privacy, you know we we aren't sharing his specific diagnoses and the exact things that happened but I will tell you that the conversation that he and I had um ultimately led us to taking him for an emergency psychiatric evaluation where they had to pink slip him to the hospital which you know this was um we've encountered a lot but this was something that we had never encountered before and so sitting there you know signing him in for this evaluation which I thought they're gonna say here's what's going on and you know he needs his medication and it's yeah and more intensive therapy than he's getting he was in counseling at the time but clearly it wasn't helping um you know they took him back to ask him some questions and and start to spend some time with him and a nurse came out and said uh we're pink slipping him I have to ask you to leave and I was like I I I don't what does that even mean? Like I don't even know what pink slipping is and um you know he said um he's he's willing to go to the hospital but because of what he's sharing with me we have to involuntarily commit him um to to be taken to the hospital and I just was shocked and I said um can I like ask him to call me once he gets it what he said ma'am I can't let him come back out here. I can't let you see him you're just gonna have to get your things and leave it was it possibly felt more it did. It felt more devastating than getting my cancer diagnosis. I mean I just was I was so heartbroken and so in shock and you raise your children you know managing so many things for them providing so many things for them guiding them through so many things and this is a time where he's mentally unstable and I wasn't allowed to be there for him. We didn't know what was happening he didn't know what was happening and I just had to leave and I called my husband right away as soon as I stepped out the doors and let him know and then I called two of my dear friends and just um you know crying to the point where words could hardly come out and and out loud crying you know sometimes you shed some tears over things that happened but I was so sad just so sad and confused and thinking you know I knew there was something wrong and he was in counseling but we just never in a million years would have guessed what was happening in his mind. And he didn't even really have words for it. So that began a journey of um four inpatient psychiatric unit stays. And I remember when he was admitted the first time crying and saying to my husband, no, I don't want to add this to my resume of things that I've experienced as an adoptive mom. You know, there's all kinds of things that we've been through that are not good hard behaviors and uh you know cancer and epilepsy and um but this was not on my radar. I would never have signed up for it. And here we were, you know, um going to visit him at the psychiatric unit. And our um my first visit to see him a couple days later, I just was so in shock of like, you know, you don't know where you're going first of all but you know once you figure that out at you're just sitting there thinking I can't believe I'm in this space. I can't believe I'm in this place. I can't believe my kid is here. I just it was wild. The second um stay that no it was the third stay that he had um he let me know that he wasn't feeling well and he thought he probably needed to go to the hospital and that um yeah I drove him down and we met with the psychiatric nurse that he had been seeing and and she said it sounds like he needs to be admitted again. So we just drove um over to the hospital and we were in the waiting room and because of his mental health issues they they didn't put us with everybody else. We were sort of sitting by ourselves on a side and I had to go to the bathroom so bad and I was a little nervous to leave him but I I went to go to the bathroom and I saw a friend that I had gone to church with years ago and I hadn't seen her in years but I turned the corner to go to the bathroom she was there to see uh to support her mother who was there with her stepfather and but I just I turned the corner I saw her I was like what are you doing here? She said what are you doing here? We hugged I started to cry I went to the bathroom in the bathroom it was like the Lord said she's she's here to support them yes but she's also here for you. You needed a tangible person that you could touch and feel so I went out and I gave her another hug and I said I know that you're here for these reasons but I think God also sent you here for me. I needed to see you and and be held on to for a minute. And as I started to go back toward my son they were calling for him. So the desk that you check in was right there and the nurse had come out to get him and the the nurse said is anyone with you and he said my mom and I was walking toward him and the people at the desk said she she can't go. She has to stay out here and the nurse said are you mom and I said I am and he said come with me and they were like she can't it was like a scene from a movie I'm being like whisked away and through these double doors and they're saying she can't go and he said she's with me I've got it I said to my son who was also struggling this is this is an interesting it's a mental health issue but it's also very much a spiritual battle. There's spiritual warfare all the time but we've seen it so clearly in this situation with him. I said to him I know you're questioning where God is and all of these things right now but God is the one who opened those doors for me to come back. Those people said I can't and the nurse said no she can't she's with me. So it was a a wild experience of being taken I'm walking down this hall thinking I'm not even supposed to be in this part of the hospital. I'm not supposed to be walking down this hallice officer putting a chair in a room for me that I'm not supposed to be in. There's not a chair in the room but he got a chair put it in there for me to go into the room and sit there. So they took me into the hospital room before they even brought him in. And this part of the hospital is um hopefully not a lot of people who hear this have experienced it, but it's it is it's everything you would think it's very sterile and stark and everything's white and it's cold looking and cold feeling and there's a fluorescent light overhead and there's a bed that's attached to the wall that just sticks out into middle of the room and it's like attached to the floor. It's not a roll one you know like in most hospital rooms and I remember sitting there thinking Lord what am I doing in here? Like I'm not supposed to be here but you brought me in here. So why do you have me in here? Is it to show my son like I'll go anywhere with you. I'm here I'm not gonna turn my back on you I'm not gonna leave you I didn't know but I for I don't know three hours sat there and sang and and he at one point I said I've been singing in my head but I really feel like I should sing out loud do you mind and he said oh please don't and I'm not a horrible singer but I think he just thought this is weird enough that we're in the hospital and you're sitting here and now you're gonna sing. Just stop it right now. But he fell asleep at one point. And so I did start singing out loud and I don't know if you know the song in the room uh I can't remember who it's by right now. Maybe we can look it up and put it in the credits. Um but she says just go ask Daniel if our God will bring you out and he will testify he shuts the lion's mouth. Go ask those Hebrew boys if he'll stand by your side and they'll identify the fourth man in the fire. They'll tell you he's in the room. So I got to sit and worship in that room and I got to praise the Lord in the midst of we have no idea what's happening with this kid and we have no idea what's going to happen. But I can worship you right here and you're with us and there's no place that you won't go either. He's everywhere and our son can go as far away from him as he can try to go but God's going to follow him. He's still going to be there. God's already there ahead of him preparing a way which allowed me to go through those doors into that room anyway. And what an incredible experience to just feel so close to the Lord and know that we can be in such a terrible situation with so much darkness. But he's there and he's using worship to bring light into this dark space. And I I just I hope that I don't lose my mind ever enough on this side of heaven to forget that experience because I've needed to carry that with me. And at the end of that third time in the hospital I said to my husband if he has to go back if part of our story is four times I mean this is going to be a little ridiculous and he did have to go back a fourth time. But now it has become this thing of you know at first I didn't want it on my resume. And now I can see that the Lord might have other moms and dads who have to walk this road and somebody, you know, you might encounter someone who says okay I had to do this and you can say you need to reach out to my friend Kirsten Smith because she's been there and she can talk you through that. And so it's a huge blessing. You know I never would ask for it and I don't wish it on anyone but I'm so thankful that that we've been able to see the Lord work this way.

SPEAKER_01 39:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:34

So our son now is um it's it's been such a journey he went to a a treatment program kind of it's not as therapeutic as we thought it would be in September and was there through December and then came home the whole time he had been uh unspecified diagnoses which was very frustrating to me because I thought if you've been in the hospital four times in the psychiatric unit you should have some kind of diagnosis with the psychiatrists. Somebody should figure this out and I'm just a mom you know I did go to college but this is not my specialty I think somebody needs to help us figure this out. And we ended up finding a place that does uh diagnostic assessments. And so um we went through the process to see if they would admit him there. And um their initial program is 10 days where they spend 10 days intensive therapy getting to the bottom of what's going on and your story and they run a whole battery of tests to be able to pinpoint this is where this person's mind is and this is what's happening. So we did that and got a diagnosis and found out that he's gonna need residential treatment so that he can have intensive therapy to work through this. And so many neat things have happened but I think one of the things that's really key for foster care and adoption for this world that we're living in and the people who might hear this is that he has diagnoses, but what they explain to us is that underneath these very severe diagnoses, the core of it is his early trauma. So what happened to him in the womb and the first year and a half of his life before he came to us um these things were already planted there and rooted and so from a mother's perspective I have really wrestled with what did I do wrong?

SPEAKER_01 41:34

Right.

SPEAKER_00 41:35

How did I mess up my parenting of him to cause this to happen or what could I have done that I didn't do what didn't I know? You know I said earlier there wasn't a lot of information about parenting kids from these spaces when we were first bringing up our oldest ones and so looking back man if this information would have been available then would I have parented him differently would I have known what to do and I actually met with my counselor to talk about that because I had brought it up to her before and she said it's nothing you did or didn't do. But once we had these diagnoses I thought okay I missed something.

SPEAKER_01 42:13

Now you can tell me I did something wrong.

SPEAKER_00 42:15

Yeah. So I went to see her to go over them, you know, to kind of process all of that with her and then I said I know you've told me before that I didn't do it but I'm really having a hard time and I need to know and she said you need to rebuke that because that's false guilt. You didn't know and so there's nothing that you could have done. Now if you would have known when he came to you that he had these issues then maybe you would have done some things differently but there's nothing that you did to cause it and there's nothing that you could have done to change it. And actually him being with you even with your mistakes probably is what has kept him safe and kept things from getting even worse. So I say that as encouragement too that I I think all of us know if we're actually doing something wrong in our parenting and then we need to get help for that. But if you're doing your best and you're not intentionally choosing things that could harm your child mentally or physically you've got to rest that God knew the diagnoses and that he would reveal them at the right time you know that's another thing that people could wrestle with why did it take this long is there something we could have seen but we have to trust God's timing and all of that. So he's getting ready to enter residential treatment and we're very hopeful. He loves the Lord he has wrestled with that I said um there's been some spiritual struggle there but I think deep down um he loves the Lord and there's just been this battle of how do I reconcile all of this? What's happening with my mind? Um and then if God is good, you know why are These things happening. Um but I I I have hope. And we wrestle with we don't want to say, oh, he's gonna be fine, because he may not be.

unknown 44:11

Right.

SPEAKER_00 44:11

But we do have hope that God can heal him completely if he wants to, this side of heaven. And if he doesn't heal him completely, he's gonna give us what we need to help him and to love him through it.

SPEAKER_01 44:23

So good.

SPEAKER_00 44:24

Thank you for sharing that.

SPEAKER_01 44:25

I know it's a it's very raw. It's not like this was 10 years ago. This is very much right now, right now in the moment. And um yeah, it's just the way God has provided for you throughout just the past year or even the last several months, um, ways he made for him to be able to get the help he needs has been amazing. You know, thinking about the past year, and you've shared some ways that you've seen God show up, but you know, you may have that affirmation at the beginning of the journey that God's with me, I can do this, he made himself real. But after a few months, we are humans and we tend to forget, right? We tend to forget, even in our day-to-day struggles, that God is good and we forget to praise him for our blessings. But has God continued to give you those touch points, you know, throughout throughout your journey?

SPEAKER_00 45:16

Absolutely. And there are some really big moments, I feel like they're kind of like mountaintop experiences where you're like, oh, this is amazing. And I don't want to forget how this feels because this is the truth of who God is and how he cares for us. But I will say, yes, when this all started, you know, God has opened a lot of doors. You know, we opened those doors in the hospital when I wasn't supposed to go back and I got to sit and praise him in the psychiatric unit room. Um, and then when we found this place uh for this diagnostic assessment, um, the cost is, you know, astronomical. Um, it's it's $27,500 for this 10-day stay. Now, we did have the conversation my husband and I of before we sign him up for this because we're gonna have to have help with this. We can't pay for that all on our own. We're gonna, you know, we're thinking we're doing a GoFundMe, some kind of fundraiser to ask for help. We did have the conversation of, well, wait a minute, we could schedule adult autism testing, we could schedule a psychiatric evaluation, we could schedule time with a psychologist, we could find a trauma-informed therapist. Um, this place also they bring in a dietitian, there's a medical doctor, there's a pharmacy. So we could line all these things up, but it may take months to get some of these things scheduled. And so what do we do with him in the meantime? How do we help him? Because what has been happening with traditional therapies, I mean, some of it was trauma-informed, but you know, it hasn't worked yet. If we added all those things up, though, would we probably get to that cost of 27.5 when you're also adding in room and board and three meals a day and snacks, and there's so many things that go into that. So even though it sounds crazy, it does all make sense that it costs that much. And so we very clearly felt like, Lord, you've shown us how you provide in the past. And if this is something that you want him to do, you're going to make a way. So we're either going to fundraise or we're going to go into debt for it and you'll help us pay it off. It'll, it'll get worked out. So we had talked with a few people about the idea of fundraising. And um, one of my friends um reached out and said that someone heard about our situation and had offered to pay for the whole thing. And it was one of those jaw-dropping, you know, there's no words kind of moments, like in my mind, GoFundMe made so much sense. And seeing funds trickle in, you know, I could see some of his friends being like, I don't have a lot, but here's $25 praying. And I thought that's amazing, and that'll be amazing. But for one person to pay $27,500 and it just be settled. I mean, we just it it's still, I still have moments where I'm like, did that really like happen? What in the world? How is that even a possibility? It's just wild. And so, you know, uh providing more than we could ask or imagine, way above than anyone would ever expect. And he got to go do that um and get his diagnoses. And so then we started facing this residential treatment situation, knowing it's gonna cost a lot of money. Again, I'm thinking GoFundMe, or I was reading one morning in the word about the woman um who the prophet tells her, um, take the jars that you have, the little oil that you have, and go collect jars from your neighbors because they had nothing and they were in debt. Go go do that and bring all the jars back. Um, and the jars getting filled with what little oil she had. And I thought, oh my word, maybe we could do like a like an empty vessels campaign. My husband's a graphic designer. Maybe he can like design a shirt and people can buy shirts, and part of that can go at all these ideas. And um we ended up starting a, it's like GoFundMe, but it's through an organization called Life Song for Orphans, um, which does amazing work. And um, we set up an account through them and also applied for funding through them. So they uh provided us with a grant and then a matching grant. So anything that came in, they would add um to that up to a certain amount. And then there's another organization called the Ashes to Glory Foundation that also um provides some funding help when people are facing situations like this. And we reached out to them and also received from help, some help from them. And once we had that, um, we knew how much money we had that we could put down toward it. And with those two places offering help, um, then we launched our our fundraising campaign, which um has been so beautiful because there can be a larger gift, you know, someone might give a thousand dollars and we're like, wow, this is incredible. And then someone might give 30. And it feels just as incredible. And we will sit with our son and look at what has come in, and his face lights up because he's seeing all of these people say, I want to help. Yeah, I care about you, I want to step into this space with you. There's not much I can do, but I can do this. And we knew that God would provide, we knew that, but to see the way that he's choosing to do that and the people that he's choosing to use to do that is so beautiful. And we are not ones that like to ask for help. I don't. I'm a very independent person. I like to manage things on my own as much as I can. And God has very clearly said, Hey, look, you can't manage this on your own. You're gonna need a lot of help and you're gonna need to ask for money, but that's never comfortable. That's never fun to do. Um, but it has been such a blessing to see so beautiful. And our other kids, you know, um, they'll look and say, Oh my word, like look at that. And what started one day with nothing to see it go up. Yeah. Um, we needed to raise um sixty-two thousand five hundred dollars. And the last time I looked, we were at 41,155, I think.

SPEAKER_01 51:45

Which is amazing.

SPEAKER_00 51:46

And it's been um two and a half weeks, I think. So maybe three to see two and a half, to see all of that come in just little by little, you know, and it and it'll sometimes feel like, oh, what if like no one notices it's there anymore? What if it's forgotten about? And then a donation comes in, and we're like, okay, Lord, you're still doing it, you know, which we know he will. Um, it's just so neat to it's been talked about before, and I have a friend who talks about a lot, but to live open-handedly, we've really just had to open our hands and say, okay, God, you have a plan for this, and we don't know what it is, and we don't know how it's gonna all work out. So we're just gonna open our hands and trust you to to provide and make it happen. And he has, and he is.

SPEAKER_01 52:32

He certainly has. I think the beauty in allowing other people to step in to your story and bless you is in turn they they get blessed too. They're part of the work, they're part of who God has used in your story, you know, and that's just equally as um fulfilling, you know, just knowing like, God, you used me in that moment. I could have never done this on my own, but you called me to do this and look what you've done. Just like when you said yes to foster care. Yeah, you didn't know this would be your story, you didn't know and the beauty of it all is just how he's blessed you in the other ways and and provided for you. And I think that's usually the fear when we want to step into something, need to step into something hard, is like, how are you gonna provide? How am I going to do this? And on our own, we cannot do these things. We cannot parent children from trauma, we cannot navigate the mental health system, we cannot do any of this on our own. He provides that for us. Yeah, just a great picture of our dependency and our need for him, yes, and how he uses the body of Christ to step in and be the body of Christ to each other, you know. And that's just been so beautiful to watch. I've just been able to sit back and watch it happen for you and um I just get to know you better the past year. Just I don't want to say it was like by chance, it really was God ordained to just get to know you a little bit better. And in the midst of all your chaos, we invited you to come be on our staff. Which I remember that conversation with Lisa, our executive director, to think I'm like, I know she has a lot going on, and so I guess if she says yes, that means God's calling her to do it, and she knows that she can. And so, and things didn't get really much easier after you said yes, they got a little bit harder. Things got a little harder after I said yes. Yes. So I'm sorry, but welcome to the team. Yeah, thank you. It's an honor. Yep. Um, but I'm just so excited to see how God's gonna continue to move and bless you and your family and your other eight children um in the marriage that's happening soon. And um, yeah, just to see how this turns out and how God's gonna use your story. I know there's reasons why he allows us to walk through things. And I believe with all my heart that he's right there with you guys and um and we will include in our show notes the link to your um fundraiser platform so that if anyone listening, they want to help finish off the cost of that residential treatment, they can do so. But just so grateful for you sharing your story and being vulnerable and letting us thank you. See what God has done. Um for those of you who are just trying to navigate, you know, this journey and thinking, I don't know how I'm going to make it to tomorrow, just take heart and know that there's others who've done this and have been there, and our team is always open and willing to have coffee and conversation and just encourage you along the way. Check us out at hoperageohio.org or on any social media platform.