I will be forever indebted to the people that taught me a profoundly important biblical, practical, and life-giving process.  This process is based on one of the most powerful biblical principles of life that I know.  This process works in every venue of life:  where we live, work, and play.  

You may recall from a recent episode entitled “Fear of Loss” that I shared about the selfishness of my dad during my early years of life, which hurt me deeply and contributed to me developing a fear of financial and relational loss.  During the years after I graduated from college, I learned and applied this practical process to my life.  It brought significant restoration to our relationship.  It freed me to see and appreciate the many fond memories I had from my childhood (instead of focusing on the hard things).  I began to recognize the many good things my dad had taught me (such as resourcefulness, commitment, a love for music, and the importance of hard work).

What is this process?  A practical way of asking for forgiveness.  In a recent episode, we explored what the Bible says about forgiveness, and why it is so important.  In this episode, we will explore a practice process for forgiveness – the how of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is based on these timeless principles:

Luke 6:31 NIV  Do to others as you would have them do to you.

Romans 12:18 NASB  If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.

Hebrews 12:15 HCSB  Make sure that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no root of bitterness springs up, causing trouble and by it, defiling many.

The true process for asking for forgiveness is different from our culture’s typical process for offering an apology.  Apologies are typically one-way statements, and often include words that limit sincerity.  Forgiveness involves asking and receiving – a two-way dialog.  The offender identifies his offense, acknowledges that the offense was wrong, asks the recipient of the offense to forgive him, and then waits for a response.  The offended person then provides a response.  This benefits both parties:

·         The offender gets to receive forgiveness, as they hear the other person say that they forgive him.  

·         The offended person gets to extend forgiveness, and so avoid the offense growing into bitterness.  (It has been said that bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.)

The following is an outline of weak ways of handling an offense, and much better ways of doing so.

Weak:

• Communicated in writing (email, text, etc.)
  • Why is this weak?  This offers no opportunity to hear each other’s tone of voice, see facial expressions, and have dialog for clarification and resolution.
• Simply saying, “Sorry.”  
  • Why is this weak?  This generic statement lacks sincerity, humility, and specificity of the offense.
• Simply saying, “I apologize.”
  • Why is this weak?   This generic statement is apologizing for an unnamed offense, so it lacks ownership for the offense.
• Saying, “I am sorry if I offended you.” 
  • Why is this weak?  “If” sounds conditional.  It sounds like there might or might not be an actual offense, so there is no concrete admission by the speaker of offense.  Also, this statement may be interpreted by the hearer as an accusation of them being too easily offended.

Better:

• Live, two-way communication:
  • Face to face is the best, because it offers the opportunity to hear each other’s tone of voice, see facial expressions, and have dialog for clarification and resolution.
  • Phone call is also good, for similar reasons.  (It only lacks the ability to see facial expressions.)
• Identify the offense and own it.
  • Even if the other person has more fault in the situation, own your part.
• Ask for forgiveness (and pause for their response)
  • This provides an opportunity for giving and receiving forgiveness.

Even if the other person is 90% at fault, we are responsible for our 10%.  This can be challenging.  But often, as we accept responsibility for our 10%, it frees up the other person to acknowledge their 90%.

So, here is the pattern of wording that my mentors taught me:

I was wrong in [my action, or my attitude of…  Be specific].  I know that this hurt you, and I am so sorry [acknowledging that your wrong was not benign, but actually caused hurt].  Would you forgive me?  [And then wait for their response]

So, how did I apply this process to my relationship with my dad?  I identified my 10%, and asked my dad to forgive me, using this pattern of wording.  God used this to begin the process of significant restoration to my relationship with him, and freed my dad to begin to own his part.

How about you?  What relationship is God bringing to your mind right now in which there is an offense that separates you from them?  Remember that, even if the other person is 90% at fault, you are responsible for your 10%.  I believe that as you accept responsibility for your 10%, it will free up the other person to begin to acknowledge their 90%.  Will you identify your 10% and ask them to forgive you?

Today, I encourage you to “Reflect on This.”