Getting used to it, Midlife
Getting Used to It, Midlife is a show hosted by two executive life coaches, Beth & Suzee, who are also expert friends and are both getting used to midlife. From empty nesting and aging parents to painful sex, and let’s not forget the extra lubrication, we will sift through all of it, speaking our truth faithfully and vulnerably. Listen as we live through this in ourselves and our relationships in real time and tease through the “how to” of this next phase of life. As coaches, we have the tools, but as women in the middle, we may not have all the answers. Scratch that— we’ll have some damn good ideas, too. Join us, and let’s get used to it together!
Getting used to it, Midlife
Getting Used To It: Navigating Midlife Friendships: Patience, Authenticity, and Connection
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Ever feel rushed to form new friendships, only to be disheartened by unmet expectations? Beth and Suzee unpack practical strategies to navigate the intricate dance of adult connections. They talk candidly about the need to pace oneself, embrace authenticity, and manage fears and preconceived notions. Personal anecdotes underscore the significance of shared life stages and interests, and the value of respectful debates. This episode is a heartfelt exploration of patience, intentionality, and mutual respect, offering listeners valuable insights into forming lasting and enriching friendships in midlife.
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Making Friends in Midlife
Speaker 1Hey Beth Susie. What are we talking about today? On Getting Used to it, our podcast.
Speaker 2We are talking about friends, about making some friends, and how that's kind of different when you're in the midlife of your life. It's funny because just as I was saying that, I was thinking of just myself as a kid too, like just how I really do. I have this memory of this girl Her name was Leisha coming up to me, just tapping me on my shoulder and saying, will you be my best friend? And I said yes, and then we were. It's not like that anymore.
Speaker 1Magic. That's a magical thing and I don't think it happens that often. But there's such a strong takeaway from books and movies, television programs, streaming you name it fictional content that you meet your best friend on the first day of school and it's easy. And I'm not trying to make light because I don't know that that's ever happened to me and it's sweet to hear that it happened to you. But think about the rest of us who think that there's something wrong with us if that hasn't happened for us. Right.
Speaker 2You know, yeah, I actually didn't think about it. I mean, she's the only person that's ever done that.
Speaker 1That's cute.
Speaker 2And I do wish that would happen again. It would just be easier. And why don't I do that to someone? Because you know that's scary.
Speaker 1Totally scary, totally scary. So you're hitting on us introducing our topic for today, which is making new friends in midlife and beyond. Today, susie and I are going to be having a little conversation over the next 25 ish minutes about our concerns, struggles and enlightenments around making new friends at this point in our life basically, the how-tos and the hold-ups of friending in midlife yeah, exactly, and I was going to ask you, beth, why make new friends?
Speaker 1Oh, such a big topic, you know.
Speaker 1I just want to backtrack for one quick second and say, as I was researching this topic and I wonder if you felt this way too I mean, I heard you had a little insight like, oh, you'd like to have that experience that you had with Leisha again, and I was thinking just how similar what my experience is, and we're about to go into that around the idea of making new connections and creating a new friendship circle for myself how similar that is to you know, say, my child who's off at college, having to do the same thing Totally yeah, totally yeah, yeah, it's not that different.
Speaker 1So you asked me about my reasons and I wanted to suggest to everyone who's listening that you look for your why, like, why on earth? What is the underlying reason you might have the driver, if you will for making a new friendship? I know what it is for me and I'm about to talk about that and we're going to hear how Susie, what her why is too. I'll say that mine is not just to busy my life with new faces, although that would be nice too. Intellectual connections are kind of what I'm after, and, yes, I already have that with my current friends, but I'm I'm.
Speaker 2What about me? I'm game, oh it's you.
Speaker 1I lost my train of thought for a second. I'm sorry. Can Susie not hear me? Am I frozen again? Okay, you are. You know, to broaden my intellectual connections and like especially with people of varied backgrounds. I mean especially in person, and unfortunately Susie and I are not in person in our lives right now. Yeah, I'm looking for stimulation, stimulating conversations, new ways of thinking about things. That's what I'm thinking about. That's my why. Yeah, what about yours?
Speaker 2For me. My why is so? My kids are both out of the house and my son actually hasn't even been home for almost year, almost a year now. So that space, that empty space, feels real. And then my daughter this is her second year off in college and it seems like the space between her coming back home and being gone seems just bigger every time she leaves. So there's just this emptiness. And let me tell you, before they left, we were busy. My daughter was in cheer and travel basketball. Like we were so busy, my husband and I, and we're not. Now there's a space, a very quiet space.
Speaker 1There's like a quiet din around the house. Yeah, tonight is actually going to be our first night with. We sent, we took our daughter to college a couple of weeks ago and then came home to a couple of friends staying with us, and tonight's really our first night with just the two of us my husband and I. So, yeah, um, it has been really quiet today and it's been kind of nice in some ways, although I know that that is I'm busy today. I know that that's going to feel differently different days of the week.
Speaker 2Exactly, yeah. And so now that we've just had a lot of this space, like more and more so we listen, we like each other, but at the end of the night we're just have many, many, many nights of just staring at each other and like, what are we going to do tonight? Like we're noticing that we want to fill that space with friends and we're both in agreement, right, like we could go travel, we could go do all these different things and fill it with other things. But the truth is we both want, we like, that social connection with people, and then, as we, I mean, have more space, because the children are just going to be even more gone. I don't know how to say that, right, but they're going to go. They're going to really not be home during any of their school breaks because school will be completely done. They'll just be working all the time. We want our lives with our friends too. So we need to start carving really our lives and we want to fill that with friends.
Speaker 2I'm trying to think if I had another, why I think it's. I think it's really like, um, I had this thought because philip's dad just passed away and he I, he passed away without any friends. So it was kind of sad watching that process for him even, like, because he was not um reaching out anymore. Now this happened a while ago. It wasn't that he outlived everybody, it was that I think he was scared to like keep reaching out because his wife had passed away a while ago. So it was on him now to make the friends and he didn't.
Speaker 2And so that's one of those things in the back of my mind that I think of is like that's how I want to make sure, not just because I'm scared to die alone, that's not the thing, but I do. I mean, listen, I could outlive everybody. I'm not sure, but I do want to have people in my life. I do want to have friends in that social interaction and laugh and play and connect. That is very important to me. So it's like pretty much like besides husband and kids, friends is right there.
Speaker 1Third, friends is right there. Third, well, and there's so much um, there's so much information out there that says community and connection and friends really lead to a longer, more healthy life for people, especially as they age, and I really get you know the fear around connecting. I remember I mean this was a really long time ago um, my grandmother died when I was about 19. And I remember when she passed away, we just she was the social connector for her and my grandfather and I remember thinking like we really thought like he would pass away without her, but then he really flipped it and became this very adventurous human without her. You know he, I remember he. I went to Syracuse University when I was in college and I remember he drove from California to Syracuse in his RV to come to my graduation oh my gosh, with his cat on his lap. So, and he was enjoying, he was adventuring, he loved it, yes, so, um, that's what he needed, uh, and he made, he met, made and met people along the way.
Speaker 2Yeah, so what would you say? One of your worries are about making new friends.
Speaker 1Right, because, as you alluded to, it's a little scary to think about like, oh, I'm embarking on this new stage. Like you said, the house is empty, it's quiet, mine is empty and quiet as well. And then how do we fill it with meaning? That like speaks to our why, and then what's the obstacle? Right, that's where the worry lives, so, or the concern that blocks us from moving forward.
Speaker 1I'd say one of my worries was and is that Well, one that it's, you know, not going to be natural, right, there won't be a natural inflow of friendship candidates at this stage of my life, with my daughter not around, like, without having the crutch of like, oh, I met these people through her, through school, their parents, et cetera. Also, another one of my fears is that I have to, like, quote, unquote start things up. In a way, my mind tells me I never really have had to before, but that's not true Because, you know, when I moved back to Los Angeles from college, I did have to start over and find new people. Even in my, in my work life, I had to find new people and start it up again. You know, it just feels maybe a little bit more vulnerable this time because it's sort of not based around my kid at school or based around here's my new job. Right, I have to start it myself. Yeah, what about you?
Speaker 2Yeah, Some of the same things right, Like no matter what it's scary to do, the ask right and see. And if people will say yes, I always think of like finding new friends, like dating, right, Totally.
Speaker 1Totally.
Speaker 2Date the person. You got to date each other to see if this is going to be a good friendship. And sometimes somewhere down the line it just really may not. And I kind of get scared of that little, that moment where you find out maybe this is not now. What do I do with that, right? So I have a little fear of starting something and then wanting to maybe even back out at some point, like so why should I start it? Like? Sometimes I have that kind of thought.
Speaker 1Yeah, that's a fair point. And you know Adam Grant, the social psychologist, who he's written like six New York Times bestsellers, bestsellers, and he's a professor and he does a podcast called Rethinking 50 hours of connected time to go from acquaintance to friend yeah, and 200 to go to close friend yeah. So we're talking about a lot of repeat people yes, a lot, you know we're so we so easily dismiss. You know, like I didn't click, I didn't. You know, like one time people could, could make that assumption and it really takes a lot longer. We really need that patience.
Speaker 2Yeah, and then also it's going to be how open you're going to be, how open the other person's going to be right, and then to see, like if the way you converse is similar, if you know the way you even joke around is similar, like all that stuff comes into play and it does take that time to see what really, how the other person really reacts or is right, and even the way I react to this person. It's it's. You know, I've started this looking for friends, kind of new friends thing for a little bit now. And it's just interesting when you first meet someone and you think, oh my gosh well, this is what I do, beth, and I was telling Beth about this before too I'm someone's best friend, like instantly, like, oh my gosh, I love you, we're best friends forever, we're going to see each other every day.
Strategies for Making New Friends
Speaker 2Like I can get kind of a little bit crazy, I get so about the person, and then I then I start like backing off, I'm like, oh my, like I I don't know what I did, but paint this picture and from that one conversation I think I'm just like all in, and then I need to pull back and go. Oh, wait a minute, actually we don't have kind of the same sense of humor. We don't even like to go see the same maybe even shows, music. We actually don't have that much in common. It was just that one conversation where we connected, and I guess what I'm coming back around to is it does take those 50 to 200 hours to really peel the onion and see each other layer after layer and after layer and then see like, yeah, I want that, yeah, I want more of that, I want more of that. So again, for me, I can like go too hard too soon and I'm not like taking the time to do the layers If I'm just the one weirdo that does this.
Speaker 1But I of love it. I kind of love it that you go all in and then you go home and you go like what the fuck was I thinking Right? And I wonder if you next time do that and then go, I'm just not going to think about it and I'm going to get together with them, despite what my mind is trying to tell me, like you know, and take down, and I'm just going to go and see. I can devote one more hour to figuring this out, you know, and see if you come back with different information. Maybe. Maybe your gut, you know is right there, or or did your fear get in the way and start speaking on behalf of your gut?
Speaker 2Well, I have to tell you. So I've been working on the mantra of just it's. That's why I said dating, because I'm like we're just dating, we're just dating. So I have to remember, like that means slow down. We go on second, third, fourth, fifth dates to see Right, and I don't have to jump all in and jump all out, we're just dating.
Speaker 1Right, I love that.
Speaker 2So that's helped me with kind of that, the mindset of making new friends, and that means going and asking to be a friend, you know is also it's okay, because we're just dating, it's okay.
Speaker 1Can I tell you one of my fears around this whole project of making new friends? I mean, I know this sounds slightly crazy, but sometimes I drive around and I think like if I were dating again and I'm not happily married, I am happily married, I'm not dating again. And I look at people on the street and I'm like, oh yeah, new people at 60, a lot of baggage. So I get slightly scared off. Meanwhile I've got it. You know who doesn't? No one goes through life unscathed, you know. But I'm like, I'm used to mine, I'm used to what my friends have like. The idea of meeting new people and seeing their stuff and having it be different than mine also scares me as much as it attracts me Totally A hundred percent.
Speaker 1Yes, so funny as humans, aren't we?
Speaker 2Yes and yes, beth, I can, I can confirm she is not dating. Yes, no, I'm happily married.
Speaker 1Okay, so let's just talk about let's just talk about it one more time. So when Susie and I were like fleshing out this, the idea of speaking about this, you know, as coaches, we you know, because we're all about like, okay, how do you reach your goal, what obstacles are in your way, what will you do? So here we are with our each of our action plans and how we plan on mapping this out for ourselves. So, Susie, why don't you go first? Because you've started. Mine is conceptual still at this point.
Speaker 2Yeah, and well, let's back up just one step before that. Let's talk about what kind of friendship you're actually looking for. Oh, yeah, right, so it's like okay. So you know, for me what's important at the time, at this time, is like having friends that's kind of in the same life stage, because we do have time and that seems to make a difference, right, so I do.
Speaker 2It's not like I don't have any friends, but they I have a lot of friends who still have the kids at home, so it does make it a little bit more difficult right To meet up with them and stuff. So that is kind of one of the things that's kind of important and I love good banter. I love good banter. Banter also includes like being able to debate topics right and just having like open minds. I don't love when debate goes to argument, but I know that sometimes argument happens Like this happens a lot with us and our friends actually but then I love that basically we all get up and then leave and come back right and then we're like yeah, like hated that conversation for just a moment, but I love you and I'm coming back and let's discuss again.
Speaker 2I just learned something new. I love that. I love when I find that quality in people and same with my husband and what else, what else. I guess that's that whole give and take interaction that I have on my list. That is one of the top three things that I'm looking for.
Speaker 1Yeah, well, you know we talked about this before, but I love quippy banter and I would. There's got to be a book out there about and if anyone knows one, please definitely write us about it, about the making and trading of quippy banter. I mean, if I go to a party and I can find one person I can do that with, my husband is dragging me out of the party. The party that I was like please don't make me go to and then he's like God, you're always the last one to leave. I'm just making up for lost time, for those early years in life where I was like, no, I'm okay. Nope, you don't need to talk to me, nope, I don't need to go to a party, I'm fine, I'm fine, lonely as shit, but fine. So I'm just making up for lost time.
Speaker 1But, yeah, quippy banter for sure is something that that I'm interested in. And, um, I'm trying to think of what I mean and I think within quippy banter, there has to be something that you're connecting on that is banterable, right? I less like the argumentative, you know, with people. It's not that I don't mind like chewing on a topic that where people have different, you know, viewpoints, as long as I'm with people that are that can acknowledge you know the others, you know where I'm coming from, or or I can acknowledge where they're coming from.
Speaker 1I've had friends where it's just loggerheads and um that we're at and they and we both think we're right, and it's actually been kind of uncomfortable with a few of my relationships like that. So anyway, so quippy banter, I think you're right. Someone at that same stage of life that we're at that has the free time, I think would be perfect. We had a bunch of friends that didn't have kids that we were really quite close with before we had our daughter. It's been kind of fun going back to them and like reconnecting and you know, yeah it's very cool, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2So then, I know you were asking me this earlier, but I'm just I'm going to ask you first, so what you're going to do about that Beth.
Speaker 1You were asking me this earlier, but I'm going to ask you first.
Speaker 2So what are you going to do about that, beth?
Speaker 1So, this is us live coaches, man. We want to have a plan right. So what's your why and what are you going to do about it? Well, as I said before, my why is, you know, people of varied backgrounds and stimulating conversation. That's what I want, and here's my plan. This one's kind of scary and I haven't done it yet since I hatched it, but I like it. So one of my plans is to pitch an idea to my local community center to host a monthly Make a New Friend night or something with a catchy title. And if anyone again, if anyone has a catchy title, I'm open. That's one way. I'm open. That's one way. The second way that and Susie mentioned that she's already doing this, but I'm thinking like, in the couple sphere, you know, a monthly get together with people that I adore that are not in my regular rotation. So that's another thing. And then social events just saying yes to more than I say no to and kind of upend the current balance of things More author talks, more things that I wouldn't ordinarily do.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 2What about you. Yeah, so my husband and I made a list of all the people that we want to get together with that we just haven't been able to. Maybe they were even ahead of us in this empty nesting part and we were just having to say no, and just some people that we've met along the way, that we just haven't had the time to get together with. And we made a list of all those friends and we mapped it out on the calendar, like, okay, we want to like ask them here, here, here here, and just making sure, like whether it's every other week and you know, it just kind of depends on the season. I'm in South Florida, so there's a season here where everybody just leaves all of a sudden. So when people come back, this is when we need to ask them.
Speaker 2And then do the asking, ask them over, ask them out. And then do the asking, ask them over, ask them out. Like go ahead and be the one to go to to do that. And and what's the word that I'm trying to look for? To initiate. There you go, initiate and not be scared to ask, right? So he's going to ask once, I'm going to ask the other time. So we're taking turns doing that, and then even having people over at our house, because that seems to be a thing that we get a little bit scared about, and so cooking for them or whatever, ordering, whatever it is just having people at our home and hosting. So we've got that all calendared out, including then girls night outs and guys night out, so that he has his own set of friends and I also have my own set of friends.
Speaker 1Nice, I love that. I love that, yeah. Well, so when you have a plan, how do you make sure you get that plan into action into action, like actually make it concrete? What do you do?
Speaker 2Do you mean like finding an accountability buddy, something like? That or actually putting it into my calendar putting it into your calendar.
Speaker 1um, finding an accountability buddy, I like that. Um, I I was even thinking like maybe there's a friend out there who's interested in like gaming, gamifying this in some way where it could be done in parallel, like they're gonna do to do theirs, I'm going to do mine, and we can hold each other accountable. Yeah, like Susie.
Speaker 2Like, susie is my accountability buddy. Yes, we have accountability buddies, yeah, so I think you know we need to hold each other accountable. Go do this and, like all of all of our podcasts, I feel like we always need to do like a repeat just to update everybody on how we're doing. But no matter what, like Beth, you and I promise, once a month at least, to go do something with a new whatever new friend. What about a new friend?
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah, a new friend, that sounds good. Yeah, that's exactly what we're talking about. A new experience, too, like being around people who could be a new friend. Yes, put yourself in situations that are different to the ones you're comfortable with.
Speaker 2And don't be afraid to initiate.
Speaker 1Exactly Because, like Susie said at the beginning of the podcast, everybody loves it when someone walks up to you and says hey, want to be friends.
Speaker 2Exactly, let's all go be that person.
Speaker 1Yeah, thanks for listening. This was a fun one, it was.
Speaker 2I liked it. All right, let's go make some friends.
Speaker 1Beth, sounds good. See you next time.
Speaker 2Okay, I'm getting used to it Bye. Get used to it, yep.