Getting Used To It: When Your Adult Kid Lives at Home: Making It Work Without the Shame

Your adult child is living at home. And instead of treating it like a failure, what if you designed it to actually work?

In many cultures, kids stay home until marriage. In this economy, it's increasingly common. But we don't talk about HOW to make it work - the practical boundaries, the financial conversations, the design of a launch pad instead of a holding pattern.

Suzee and Beth discuss different cultural approaches to multigenerational living, how to set up your home and expectations for success, and why the outside judgment matters less than what actually works for your family.

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Transcript

Welcome and Treehouse Banter

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Hi, and welcome to Getting Used to It. We're Susie and Beth, two life coaches in the thick of midlife ourselves, where everything's a little weird, occasionally hilarious, and a lot unexpected.

SPEAKER_01 0:14

If you're wondering whether you're the only one Googling hobbies for adults, wrankling, emptiness, and dealing with shifting hormones, you are not alone. We're here to navigate this wild chapter of life with you. So let's go. Hey Beth. Hey Susie, how are you doing today? In the trees.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

In the trees. Beth is looking at me right now. In the trees. It looks like I'm outside, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_01 0:42

It totally yes, totally looks like you're in a tree house right now. It feels like I guess now we need to tell people what we're talking about.

SPEAKER_00 0:50

Yes, I am in North Carolina. I live in Florida, South Florida, and we're up here on vacay. And um, it literally feels like I'm in a tree house. I am not, but if I love this, I love this feeling.

SPEAKER_01 1:02

And I'm just stubbing out ants that are seemingly popping up on my desk here in Los Angeles.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

But let's carry on. What are we talking about today?

Defining Boomerang Kids

SPEAKER_00 1:11

Well, we're gonna talk about boomerang kids, which Beth and I we don't have those kids dot dot dot yet. Question I'm wondering why are we talking about it?

SPEAKER_01 1:22

Why is it important today?

SPEAKER_00 1:24

Because it's happening more and more again. That's true.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

So I think there was I was a boomerang.

SPEAKER_00 1:32

Yes. I was ish. I was a boomerang. I came back home.

SPEAKER_01 1:36

I'm ahead of my time though.

SPEAKER_00 1:38

You are, you're like you started the trend.

SPEAKER_01 1:42

I I could not get a job when I got out of college. That's what we're talking about. Like how your kids move home and live with you in midlife when you're maybe sandwiching in a way. Like maybe you're taking care of your elderly parents and you're taking care of yourself, thinking about retiring, and then boom, pops your kid back home.

SPEAKER_00 2:00

Yeah, I mean, actually, that's another good point, too, right? It's like it's so hard when if you are sandwiching, right? It's like, okay, maybe this could be one of the reasons why I don't want to have a boomerang kid.

SPEAKER_01 2:13

I will take my kid. Or maybe you love it.

SPEAKER_00 2:15

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 2:15

I don't know about you, but like if she wants to move in next door for a while, I am so down.

SPEAKER_00 2:20

Like how you said next door, not in your house. No, in my house, in the bedroom. Literally in the room next door.

SPEAKER_01 2:28

That's what I mean. No, my neighbor's house is not up for sale, nor should she be able to afford it for a

Why It’s Rising: Economics and Markets

SPEAKER_01 2:35

while. I don't think. And that's part of the boomeranging.

SPEAKER_00 2:38

It is exactly so. Why is it happening more now? And yeah, that economic pressure, right? The cost of living.

SPEAKER_01 2:47

Yeah, I mean, in Los Angeles, on the coast, it's so expensive for anyone to buy, rent, break into certain markets. I for a long time, and this is it's completely anecdotal. I have always been saying like, it's time to start those artists, you know, cool neighborhoods in places like Milwaukee or like I don't know, Reno or someplace like that. Reno. I've never been to Reno, so oh you haven't?

SPEAKER_00 3:15

Oh I don't know, but I've been to Milwaukee.

unknown 3:17

Okay, good.

SPEAKER_00 3:18

Yeah, but why not Reno? Come on, let's do this. Pittsburgh. But it yeah, Pittsburgh.

SPEAKER_01 3:24

But some of those secondary markets what would be traditionally thought of as like more maybe secondary markets, although Milwaukee is a pretty big city um for the state of Wisconsin.

SPEAKER_00 3:37

So you know I was just thinking, um, I have a friend who bought a house, I think, in Idaho, and I I think it's like a booming town, this town that he bought a house in. And I can see why, right? Because people are moving inland more where it is more affordable. And um, yeah, necessity. A necessity, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 3:58

There's a phrase who's eight, necessity is the mother of invention. So maybe that is true here, you know.

SPEAKER_00 4:04

Exactly, exactly. Um, so yeah, the economic pressures, right? So even if they could, even if they had a job, sometimes it's still not being paid, they're still not being paid enough to be able to afford rent, right? So then you're on the search, you know. I remember doing this, looking for roommates and having to like try to afford a place with people, sometimes strangers, right? Um, but it seems even harder now.

SPEAKER_01 4:32

Yeah, yeah. Is it harder or are more people writing about it, or are there more people on the planet doing it right now?

SPEAKER_00 4:41

Like check, check, check, maybe you know, all of the above.

SPEAKER_01 4:45

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Um and that whole career exploration thing. I mean, you you go to college, you come home. College does not necessarily mean equal job. I mean, sure, certain

Job Hunting Reality for Graduates

SPEAKER_01 5:00

certain areas of education. Yes. And then no, I mean, we uh when we were prepping for this podcast, you know, there were a few um cases we read about in a Newsweek article that had, you know, people that were like really niche down in their education, you know, still struggling to find a job, applying to 70 jobs and hearing nothing back. And I mean, I hear that from my adult clients, my adult culture coaching clients. It's like it's like it's like work to find work.

SPEAKER_00 5:36

Work to find work right now. Yeah, you know, um and is that I wondered too, you know, is that very different than the 90s when we were looking for jobs, right? So um I read that the gap between grads and non-grads widened in the 90s, but by the mid-90s, non-college young people, especially high school grads non-college, had unemployment rates as high as 24%.

SPEAKER_01 6:07

These were non-college grads.

SPEAKER_00 6:08

These were non-college grads, right? College grads still strong. The unemployment was usually just two to four percent. Um, and same thing now, 20s, uh, 2020s, college grads, the unemployment rate is about two to four percent, which I also think the other um stat was really interesting. How more women or ladies, grads, female grads are getting more jobs than the boy. Why am I having a hard time? Male grads, boys, men. It's because I my my my son is still a boy, like a baby to me. I'm like, man, is he a man? Yes, yes, he is. Um they're having actually a harder time.

SPEAKER_01 6:54

Right, right. And we didn't, I don't know that that study like took into consideration uh non-binary uh graduates either. So it's hard to know. And also, I think what I didn't and what's come up for me now, but we didn't address is the change in the population, right? I mean, in the 90s, I mean, how many more people are out into the workforce now than were in the 90s?

SPEAKER_00 7:18

There's too many people.

Gender Gaps and Labor Stats

SPEAKER_00 7:20

That's not what you're trying to solve.

SPEAKER_01 7:22

But really, I mean, with all of that, you know, I I'm just saying, you know, that's a factor too that we do that we, you know, didn't uh drill down on. But I think some of what we wanted to talk about is how does it feel as a parent? And um to have your child come back. And then something that Susie brought up was the cultural perspective, which I found very interesting.

SPEAKER_00 7:49

Yeah, so being Korean, you know, my parents would have loved it if I boomeranged and stayed until I was married. You know, right after college, come right back. College, like stay in town, live at home. They really did not want me to have a car, actually, because they wanted me to stay at home and travel from there. Um, and it's part of our culture, right? Where the American culture, it's more about it, it's a failure if you don't move out of the house and leave at 18 and stay away. Right. So that perspective is interesting, right?

SPEAKER_01 8:29

Completely. I mean, and like we were talking about just a second ago, like what does this bring up for parents? You brought your you're bringing to the table that that maybe um in the sort of Western world, there's like a sense of failure. And then, you know, there's also some muddy areas I think that we didn't hit, which is like boundaries and money and who's paying for what, and do I have them contribute financially? And am I allowed to tell them when to come home or who to bring home or all that kind of stuff, right?

SPEAKER_00 8:58

Yeah,

What It Brings Up for Parents

SPEAKER_00 8:59

there's definitely all of that and like loss of freedom, and I think not just for the kids, because I think American kids probably feel like they have a loss of freedom coming back home too. Kids are they probably feel a little bit weird back there. They're in that culture too. Exactly, right? So then the the empty nesters also feel like they just may have lost some freedom because their kids are coming back when they just had a moment of, you know, no kids for a little bit, right? Um, and so coming back then requires an adult conversation, right? And boundaries set and then new roles to have to figure out. Um, which I actually think is kind of cool, right? Because what a different way to now communicate with your children, not like they're little kids anymore. You are you're talking to an adult now. Yeah, and they want to be seen that way, taken that way. And truth is we do too. So what a cool opportunity to make that happen if completely, completely, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:02

We're slower at picking up that than they are.

SPEAKER_00 10:05

Uh a thousand percent.

SPEAKER_01 10:08

You know, because we're like, where were you? What are you doing? Did you do this? You know, and they're like, What bit I I you know, what I I've done this on my own, but by the way. And you're like, oh right, I just wasn't there watching that. Um, so you were talking about like Asian families and Latin families, and we even brought up how when we were discussing like Italian families, I remember seeing this was a 25 years ago, maybe it was on 60 minutes. This whole and I think how weird is that, you know, that Italian kids live at home until they get married.

Culture Clash: Western vs. Family-Centric Norms

SPEAKER_01 10:42

Yeah, it's just mama's boy. I mean, I think that's kind of where that maybe comes from, you know. Yeah, so is this just like a white Western American view?

SPEAKER_00 10:54

You know, I was just thinking when you said that. So is that it okay, yes, Italians do the French do the same thing? Uh do they do this in the UK? No, but yeah, culturally, how do they do this around the world, right? Is it just an American thing? I am unsure. But definitely the mainstream American view is that independence is key, right?

SPEAKER_01 11:20

Yeah, and that we need to launch our children. And I'm sure you know, if our kids aren't doing adulting right, it's you know, a failure on our part.

SPEAKER_00 11:29

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Um, so what about blending the two?

SPEAKER_01 11:36

Say more about that.

SPEAKER_00 11:38

So asking, am I stressed because it doesn't work for me or because society says it shouldn't?

SPEAKER_01 11:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:44

So truthfully, like you individually, where do you lie in this? And who cares? Who cares what society says? Like, what actually works for you and your family? Is it a blend? Can they move back for a little bit? It's totally cool, you're okay with it. Like, where do you as a family want, like how to um set this up for your kids?

SPEAKER_01 12:09

Yeah, well, I think like as a coach, my answer is truly like what works for you and what do you want rather than what does society say? Because that's like a judgment right there, right? I mean, we have to do us. We can't do, we're we're not, you know, in line with everyone else. It doesn't work like that. No, it just doesn't work.

SPEAKER_00 12:31

No, and everybody's families are so different, right? So you know, I have a son who has some mental health issues, so then there's that that layer,

Boundaries, Money, and House Rules

SPEAKER_00 12:40

and then you know, whatever everybody's got something different, and all that has to be laid out on the table in order for you to design, right? What works best.

SPEAKER_01 12:50

So, how would you go about designing a situation like that? Would you design it? Would you let it fall back into place? What would you do? If my kid wants to Do you think they should pay they should they pay rent? I remember my mom asked me to pay rent at a certain point.

SPEAKER_00 13:05

Uh, I would say so.

SPEAKER_01 13:06

And I was really crappy at it, I'm just gonna say.

SPEAKER_00 13:10

We typically sorry, mom. You know, so um Asian families, I can't speak for all Asian families, but typically I don't think that's what what happens, right? It's just you're moving back, right? Um, but again, I think this also comes down to how you want it played out as a family because I could see taking rent and maybe saving it for them, you know, and then like that, because I've heard people do that, and then giving back when they're like buying a little your little nest egg. Exactly. Um, or maybe paying for starting to like pay for your own phone or your Spotify account or whatever, you get to live here. Like, I think all that design is up to what you think, like what values you hold, and not that one value is better than the other, but what matters to you as a family? What are you trying to teach and what are you trying to do? Right. So and I also think that sometimes it depends on after they get back and you realize, oh shoot, like I should have set a boundary here, I didn't realize this needed to be, and now we need to have another discussion, right? So sometimes it's the learning.

SPEAKER_01 14:17

I'm just gonna say it's always easier to have the boundaries uh have the framework up front as much as you can.

SPEAKER_00 14:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:25

Because playing catch up on those things can be hard.

SPEAKER_00 14:27

Oh gosh, it's hard.

SPEAKER_01 14:28

And I don't know tweaking, I get.

SPEAKER_00 14:30

Yes, and I was about to say, and keep it open for tweaking, say, hey, listen.

SPEAKER_01 14:35

Yeah, we're not gonna nail it all down right now. We gotta, we have to learn from our experience and meet again and see what works.

SPEAKER_00 14:44

Well, again, like we were saying earlier, what a what a cool opportunity to build that adult-to-adult relationship with them.

SPEAKER_01 14:52

Yeah, and I think the hopes would be like sat in that in those different roles. Right? Your kid's an adult, you're an adult,

Designing the Arrangement Together

SPEAKER_01 15:05

so it's not like you're the I feel like they could take away there is the possibility that they could take away something really juicy for future life, for um negotiating with roommates, for negotiating with their own children, for negotiating with their their partners.

SPEAKER_00 15:31

Totally.

SPEAKER_01 15:32

I like it.

SPEAKER_00 15:33

I like it. So whichever way. Yeah, no, I was just gonna say, so whichever way you all decide to do boomerang kids, whether you're taking them or not, it does not fall into how you want to raise your kids, etc. Don't listen to society, make sure it works for you, your partner, the whole family, however, take everything into consideration. Don't worry about being judged.

SPEAKER_01 16:03

Yeah, completely. I feel proud, also, you know, like you did a good job. You raised a great kid, and now they're this is part of setting their setting their wings in flight.

SPEAKER_00 16:19

Yeah, yeah. All right, so thanks for listening and chatting.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

This was a fun topic.

SPEAKER_00 16:26

100%. I love this. Now, watch, we're gonna get boomerang kids, and then we're gonna have to come back and talk about it. Yeah, we will.

SPEAKER_01 16:32

We will.

SPEAKER_00 16:33

All right, cool. Talk to you guys.

SPEAKER_01 16:35

All right, see ya. Bye.

SPEAKER_00 16:39

Thanks for hanging out with us on Getting Used to It. If today made you laugh, think, or just feel a little less alone, then we've done our job. See ya next time. Because if we're getting used to it, you can too.