Getting Used To It: How Was Your Day?" — The Simple Question That Reveals Everything Men and Women Get Wrong About Each Other

Nobody in your house asked how you were doing today. Or yesterday. Sound familiar?

In this episode, Beth and Suzee unpack why loving couples — especially men and women in midlife — still talk past each other. They dig into the "connect vs. report" communication gap, the secret relationship point system where one partner banks 40 points for a big trip while the other gives 40 for a simple "How was your day?" — and why jumping straight to fix-it mode can feel like care to one person and total abandonment to the other.

If you've ever felt invisible — or just plain annoyed — in your own home, this one's for you.

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Transcript

eeling Unseen At Home

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Nobody in my house asked me how I was doing today. Or yesterday, or the day before.

SPEAKER_01 0:09

Hi, and welcome to Getting Used to It. We're Susie and Beth, two life coaches in the thick of midlife ourselves, where everything's a little weird, occasionally hilarious, and a lot unexpected.

SPEAKER_00 0:20

If you're wondering whether you're the only one Googling hobbies for adults, wrangling, emptiness, and dealing with shifting hormones, you are not alone. We're here to navigate this wild chapter of life with you. So let's go. It's just like a moment where I feel that nobody notices the fact that I would like to be asked how I'm doing and not just be the person that asks how everyone else is doing, not just the only curious soul in the building. I'm here with my co-host Susie. You heard her adorable laugh coming on the microphone. Susie, how are you doing? I'm doing pretty good. I'm pretty good.

SPEAKER_01 1:10

I'm really excited about this topic. Hopefully it's very clarifying for all. Or confusing. I'm not sure. Interested to find out how it goes.

SPEAKER_00 1:21

You know, it's not like a major thing, you know, or or or or maybe it is, actually. I mean, it that that is to say, like, is low grade depression not really valid depression? No, of course, it's valid depression. So this is sort of like a low grade, hey, I notice you don't notice me. Yeah. Kind of thing.

SPEAKER_01 1:45

Yeah, and you know what? I just want to quickly say too, and over time, if we don't do anything about it, it does compound, right? So absolutely becomes bigger and bigger. Yeah.

onnection Talk Versus Report Talk

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Yeah, exactly. So again, back to the low grade that is constant. That's maybe hard to justify out loud. And as Susie stated, it you know, you ignore it, it grows, it compounds. Um and um I started looking into why this keeps happening, and I found out there's actually a name for it. Do you want to know what it is? Tell me. We speak different languages. So weird. Yeah, I know. And and um from my perspective, um, as a woman, women use conversation to connect. I'm opening the door, right? From what I've from what we both have read, men use it for to report. He thinks he's answered the question. He's not, you know, it's not like I don't want to get in a conversation with you about it, but they're thinking like you asked a question, here's the answer, now I'm done, let's watch the sports. No, no, I'm joking. It's not like that. And we're generalizing too, right? So um, you know, um, I'm realizing that uh fixing it might be my partner's love language. Although, you know, as I say that, I can I can get into the fixit-ness of it all too, and who can't, right? Um does it make it hurt less that I know that there's uh a disconnect in the way we utilize conversation, men and women I'm speaking of. No, I'm tired. I'm tired of that mismatch. I want someone to walk in and be like, how was your day, honey? Oh, really? And hang on my every word. Sometimes I do want that. Would it feel weird right now? I think it might. Um, but I would like that. Is there anything wrong with that? I mean, I don't think so. Okay. Be there for me, damn it. Yeah. Well, I mean, what do you think, Susie? Does it land for you in the same way? Does it show up differently in your household?

SPEAKER_01 4:02

No, it's probably similar, right? Where I'm, you know, I have to say, I think it depends on the subject too, because I think sometimes my love language is fixing it. Yeah, I know mine too, right? Yeah. And then, and then it's just really when I'm, but I I still would say when I'm in the middle of fixing it, it's still part of the connecting. It isn't just a report, right? So I think when my husband is fixing it, it's still it's not about connection, it's about fixing. Got it. Right. So I think that's still, you know, it I may still do kind of the same thing, but for a wholly, totally different ri reason. Right. Um, and I think that's where it gets a little bit confusing sometimes too. And um, I'm just trying to think of I have like the same sort of, yeah, I do want, I do want to be the center of attention for just a sec when I'm saying something. And I feel like I love my husband dearly, he's amazing. But don't yeah, we both do, right? And happy love our guys. Yes. And um, but sometimes I'm saying something and it is because I want connection, he seems checked out, or he maybe he thinks I'm reporting, right? So, but he just seems checked out to me. I'm like, I have to kind of wave my hands and go, hello. Sometimes even resorting to, hey, can you repeat back what I just said? Because I feel like you didn't hear a thing I just said. Right. So um, and he'll look at me and kind of give me the he kind of can repeat it back, but again, but not in the way that I'm wanting. I'm like, in the connection, I don't want you to just repeat back words, you know?

SPEAKER_00 5:50

Yeah, yeah. So it's like it is the same, it's the same, Beth. This this fixing it thing brings up something for me though, because like clearly I'm a fixer too. And I think anyone that's a scaredy cat's a fixer, right? We don't want our people to be down, they report something, report, hear me using that language. Yeah, they they they tell us something, and we don't want them to be less than great, and we move into fix. I mean, I'm just gonna call it out fixing's a connection killer, full stop, right?

SPEAKER_01 6:23

Yeah, because if you think about it, you move out of empathy, yeah, and you're just in your brain just trying to resolve so you're not like in your heart listening.

SPEAKER_00 6:34

Yeah, and we are our brains are problem solvers to begin with, so I can see now that we talk about it that there is kind of a disruption, you know, that care that that comes across. I just want what I want when I want it, though. You know, I want like how was your day? Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 6:58

I think I'm the edge of the scene. Tell me.

SPEAKER_00 7:01

I think I might be like, nothing. What are you doing? I know I might be like, I don't know, this is weird. Let's talk about you.

SPEAKER_01 7:11

It was fine. Yes, exactly. Let's talk about you, yes, totally.

SPEAKER_00 7:15

I mean, and we're coaches, so we talk about other people all the time.

SPEAKER_01 7:19

I know that is what makes it a little bit different too. But I think that's for any fixer, right?

SPEAKER_00 7:24

So such a good job we chose, yes.

SPEAKER_01 7:28

And you know what um Beth and I learned that I thought was really intriguing was this whole point system that we all have in our in our heads and how we're um basically we found out there's a point system that we all use subconsciously. That was so funny, right? And it's we're not using, we're not playing the same game, right? It's not the same point system. Like if my spouse was planning something big, like a trip, a dinner or whatever, right? And in his mind, he just banked, let's say, 40 points. And so now he can relax for a little bit because he's just done something big. Ta-da. He feels good about it. But over here, I gave him one point because you know, same. If I made like like if I made coffee for him that morning, to me, it's a point.

unknown 8:24

Right.

SPEAKER_00 8:25

Because you're a socialist. Exactly. He's a capitalist, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:30

Like point for point. And he's like a hilarious way to think about that. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 8:38

You're like, points are divvied up fairly in my mind. One for one, one for one. And he's like, big fucking trip is 40 points. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 8:48

I got it. Yes. And then so, yeah, so then every gesture is one point. Yeah, the trip, the coffee, ask me how my day was, all one point each, right? But then what would fill my tank? A lot of the small things that say I'm still thinking about you, maybe gets more points, right? Then I'd be like, Oh, that was 40 points, dude.

SPEAKER_00 9:12

Right. Little does he know that had he said, How was your day, honey? Let me just froth at your every word, you might be like, That's 40. Oh a trip? That's one.

SPEAKER_01 9:22

That's one. He we had to go on a trip anyway.

SPEAKER_00 9:25

Yeah, we were gonna we were gonna travel. But this this took work, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:31

But then in my spouse's mind, he's thinking, Oh my gosh, I feel like such an amazing husband because I just planned a trip. 40 points, yes. I'm pumping my arms here, and then I'm sitting here wondering, like, why he even stopped trying because now he's thinking he's got all these points banked. He doesn't have to do anything to you know what I mean. He's he's got some time before he has to do another 40 points. The truth is, like, neither of us are really wrong. We've just been on a different point system, we're not playing the same game.

ld Relationship Books We Forgot

SPEAKER_00 10:04

Yeah, and it was funny when we looked into this because we started talking about we're like, yeah, researching this episode. Wow, we're like the first people to come up with this, aren't we, Susie? We're like, why haven't we thought about this before? And then Susie's fingers figured out that there was this book in the 90s, very early 90s. Maybe you've heard of it. Mar Mars, the Mars and Venus uh book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Then there's the Love Languages book, which came out 30 years ago. So this stuff is out there, and yet, I mean, and I know, I mean, I've read, I haven't read this. Yeah, how did we forget about this evening? We forgot. Like, because we I think our default is natural, right? Our default internal mechanisms are like, well, I did this, so you should do that. I do this, so you know, that's how we work internally, and therefore, this new information, which makes so much sense, which is old information, let's just put it that way, but new to the mind, has to be incorporated like with frequency for it to grow roots, don't you think?

SPEAKER_01 11:14

Yeah, oh absolutely, you know. Yeah, I don't know if everyone else is this way, but when things aren't going well between us, the my approach is wait, but I'm right. So I just go right back to defending like what I'm doing, what I'm it's your default. What you said, it's my default. So then I completely forget about these books and these all this research that has been put into how we communicate.

SPEAKER_00 11:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:43

And then 30 years later, we're like, hey, what was this book again?

SPEAKER_00 11:47

Uh we're like, hey, did anybody write this? Maybe we're the first people to think of it.

SPEAKER_01 11:52

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 11:52

I know. So, like, you know, realizing it in the moment or after the moment or whatever, you know, it doesn't stop it from happening. Exactly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:03

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 12:04

But I mean, I would say that we would say that that recognition is probably a first step. Yep.

hy Two Women Recover Faster

SPEAKER_01 12:11

Yep. And then um the other I want to bring this and layer this into because then because Beth, we were talking and she said, Well, goodness, why can't I just have another female spouse then?

unknown 12:24

Right.

SPEAKER_01 12:25

Because it might be just easier. We're speaking the same language. Right. And we're like, wait a minute, hold on, let's look into that. So Gottman, who does, you know, the the couple, the Gottman couple, they do a lot of relationship work, and they found that two women together actually do communicate better, feel more heard, and recover from conflicts faster. And the reasoning is because they are on the same operating system, which is oh my gosh, how lovely.

SPEAKER_00 12:54

That's why we all need sister wives, right?

sking For Care Without Faking

SPEAKER_01 12:57

Exactly, right? But if two women together do this better, what does that say about what heterosexual women have been quietly tolerating and calling just how it is? Yeah. Exactly. What do people think about that? Yeah, we thought we'd put in a little pregnant pause right there. Yeah. Yes. That's a lot. That's a lot. That is a lot. That is a lot. And you know, um, another thought I just wanted to put in there too is like uh what we're talking about earlier. You can ask someone to ask you how you're doing. Yeah. You can't ask them to want to know. Sorry. Right? So that's part two. Right? Because we might ask our spouses, hey, you know, this could probably even happen in same-sex marriages as well, but it's like, hey, can you do it like this instead? Right. And so they may try, and then you think, well, you're just saying that because I asked you to say that, but I'm so performative. Performative, right? Exactly. And so it sometimes feels like a no-win situation. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:14

You know?

SPEAKER_00 14:15

But what about when you ask your partner to perform a sexual act in a way that you prefer? Like, do you do you think people feel like we don't really mean it?

SPEAKER_01 14:29

That's a good point. That's a very good point.

unknown 14:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:31

I mean, I think if we're gonna ask, I'm just gonna say, I think if we're gonna ask people, I have two things. If we're gonna ask our partners to do it a way that's new, right, then we really have to give a lot of latitude to the experience. Um, I was gonna say actually a lot of elastic is what I meant to the experience, so that we can really allow enough time for both parties to become comfortable with the new dynamic.

SPEAKER_01 15:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:04

Right? Because if we jump on them in a week and be like, you don't really mean it, we don't really seem curious, you know, or we forget to keep up on it, we're not really gonna get any bang out of the experiment.

SPEAKER_01 15:19

Yeah, it does take practice, but also it's a new thing for the person that was just asked to do this. And so it might feel a little bit strange at first, even if you think it's something as simple as can you just pretend to care while you ask me how you're doing?

SPEAKER_00 15:37

Honey, how are you?

SPEAKER_01 15:40

Yeah, hey, tell me more.

SPEAKER_00 15:45

I want to know your everything.

SPEAKER_01 15:47

Yes, but I also would say on the flip side, if your spouse, your partner's asking you for something, know it's probably hard for that person to ask, and that's might be why it hasn't been asked for a while. Um, so to just poo-poo it and like, oh my god, what that like that could be also compounding later on, like, wow, it's really hard to ask him, her this thing because every time I kind of get shut down. Um, and I'm saying that because I'm usually the one to shut my partner down. I'm like, what? That's a weird ask. So I'm acknowledging and also putting it on myself. Like, I gotta be nicer. It is a vault, it's usually very vulnerable to ask for something that you want. So just remember that, Susie Edwards.

potting Your Partner’s Connection Style

SPEAKER_00 16:38

Yeah. Um I'm I'm having a thought. Oh, yeah. I'm having a thought that I wonder if there's an experiment to be done where we look for while my connection mode is how was your day? Perhaps, you know, my partner's connection mode is something else. And instead of looking for it to look like mine, maybe recognizing it might be different.

SPEAKER_01 17:08

Yeah. Yes. It hurts me to say this, but I guess maybe I'm not always right. It's not always my way. I think you are.

unknown 17:23

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 17:24

And that's why we communicate so well. And you're always right too.

SPEAKER_00 17:29

What are you doing on Thursday? Exactly. Hey, right. Exactly. Um Okay.

SPEAKER_01 17:39

So basically, if knowing why it happens or doesn't, like base everything we just spoke about, point systems, um, men speak different languages than women, uh, everything the Gottmans have said, like we know this. The these books have been written, like it said, third about 30 years ago. It's been right there. And yet we still come back having these same questions and oh, why is it so hard? Right. So if it doesn't make it stop it from happening, like what are you going to actually do with this information now?

SPEAKER_00 18:15

Exactly. What are we gonna do? If not knowing why it happens doesn't make it stop happening, what do we do?

unknown 18:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:25

All right, think on that, people.

SPEAKER_00 18:27

Yeah, next time. See you. Thanks for listening.

SPEAKER_01 18:30

I always say see you next time. Okay, truth is we'll talk at you the next time.

SPEAKER_00 18:34

Yeah. Thanks for listening and hit us up on Blue Sky. Bye. Bye. Thanks for hanging out with us on Getting Used to It.

SPEAKER_01 18:45

If today made you laugh, think, or just feel a little less alone, then we've done our job. See you next time. Because if we're getting used to it, you can too.