Getting Used To It: Grieving The Loss Of Your Unwritten History

The hardest part of losing family isn’t always the obvious grief. Sometimes it’s the identity shock: waking up to the fact that there’s no one left above you, no living witness who can say, “Here’s who you were,” or “That’s not how it happened.” Beth joins us for a candid, often darkly funny, deeply human talk about what it means to become the oldest woman in your family and how that realization can make you feel strangely alone, even when your life is full.

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Transcript

The Moment The Ladder Ends

SPEAKER_00 0:04

So on the last episode, or actually one of our last episodes, uh, we talked about watching parents slow down. My parents still alive and they're in California, sitting in their chairs doing their version of waiting. And Beth and Beth's parents, that sounds so sad. And Beth's parents take umbridge. Yeah, both have passed away. So her dad, which was sharp until an aneurysm took him in two days so quickly. And then her mom, 30 years ago, from cancer when Beth was 32. And they were just finding their way back to each other. And at some point in that conversation, Beth said Beth said something that I haven't been able to shake since. She said she doesn't feel her mom's presence that she wishes she would show up and that she just doesn't. And I thought, Beth is now the oldest woman in her family. There's nobody above her. And I don't know what that's like because I still have both of my parents. Uh, and today I wanted to ask her about it. Not the grief part, because we know the grief part, the part that nobody really has a word for. So my first question for you, Beth, is when did you first realize, oh my gosh, there's actually no one left above you?

No One Knew Me First

SPEAKER_01 1:25

Specifically, I think when I realized it was around the time of my younger brother's death.

SPEAKER_00 1:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:35

I was driving down the 101 headed west.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:40

And all of a sudden I thought to myself, oh my God. Not so much. I'm the only one left, a little bit of that, but more like maybe this sounds selfish, but more like, oh my god, no one, there's no one left that knew me before I knew me.

SPEAKER_00 2:04

Wow, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:05

And that, yeah, that really hit me. Like that really made me feel alone and siloed a little bit. Yeah. If that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

Because you do you did you have uncles and aunts and that too? Um, they're they're not here anymore either. Exactly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:27

Right after I had my daughter, people started dying. Oh no, it's not attached to her birth. Is she was bringing her into the world has been a gift. Um, but yeah. Uh my my dad's brother died shortly thereafter, within a couple of years, both of my mom's siblings passed away. My mom had already passed away, and then then a few years later, my dad passed away. And then a couple of years after that, my brother passed away.

SPEAKER_00 3:01

So it was a lot. It was a lot, yeah. Yeah. Now let me ask you, did this feel just that recognition when you're driving down the 101, did it feel different than grief?

SPEAKER_01 3:14

I think I mean different than grief. I think it is its own grieving, you know. Um at the time I was grieving the loss of my brother, but you know, grieving the loss, grieving the loss of my childhood, I guess, in a way. Uh, because my memory of me not fully evolved, you know, you know, is shabby at best. Right. Right. So uh no one else to to tell me what I was like, what a scenario was like, how we all acted in that, the little pieces I don't recall. There was no one left any longer to fill in the picture, if you will.

SPEAKER_00 3:59

Wow. And then do you have were you left with all the pictures of when you were young too? So what does that feel like when you flip through those and and it's just you?

SPEAKER_01 4:11

Well, I mean, it's not just me. You mean me flip it's only me flipping through. Oh, but I think it's it's probably been me only th flipping through for kind of a while. I mean, I mean, I'm just thinking about it, like my brother died in 2012. So that's 12 years, no, without the la with the last person gone. And he and I lived in different continents, so we weren't flipping through together. Right. So if we remove that, my dad

The Family Losses Stack Up

SPEAKER_01 4:40

lived, you know, an hour and a half away. We weren't really flipping through all that often when we were together. Yeah, you know, so in some ways, probably since my mom passed away, I have been flipp flipping through the photos alone and on occasion with other people. Right. So it's funny that you bring up the photos though, because the day my dad had the aneurysm, um, I was going to visit him. Like I said, he lived, he lived like 65 miles north of me. I was going to visit him. And we were going to go through these family photos that he had in his possession that weren't of me, but they were ancestral family photos that he that that had been handed down from his parents and his uncle. And of course, no one's name was on the back of anything. So we were going to have a session where we went through all the photos and he told me who everybody was. And and and that happened that day. It's so it did happen. So you did get the names. No, no, no. That death happened. Yes, that day he had and it woke up with the aneurysm, and that was the end of it. So, no, we never did those. They're in the garage. And I'm like, who is these?

SPEAKER_00 6:05

Who are these people? Am I related to this one or that one?

SPEAKER_01 6:08

I know, I know. I was like, I'm looking at them like, do I look like these people? And these are black and white, probably like from the late 1800s, turn of the century. It's probably like from then until like maybe like the 1910s. I don't know. Amazing, amazing.

SPEAKER_00 6:26

I wonder what you could do with that now. If there's something, some kind of company out there where they AI. AI. I don't know. Like who is this? Who is this person? Tell me, that's Abraham Lincoln. Oh, I didn't know. Didn't realize he looked like me. Um, yeah, that's really interesting that you so you don't even know from these pictures who you're related to, actually. Oh so sorry, Beth. Yeah, I know. And looking through those pictures now, is there anyone that or who who just remembers you as a little girl now?

SPEAKER_01 7:00

Yeah, I mean, I was thinking about that. Um I was thinking about that now. Um and I'm not totally sure, you know.

SPEAKER_00 7:14

I'm you said you might have a a cousin, but you're not close to her.

SPEAKER_01 7:22

Uh there I have a cousin, and I was just thinking, I hadn't thought about it because you know, my direct answer is like, no one. Um but there's probably when you got me thinking about it, I thought, oh well, maybe I I had a couple second to third cousins that were my age that I had some holidays with when I was, you know, zero to 14. And maybe we had some birthdays, and then kind of my family split up, and then, you know, there was the fizzle. Um, they one of them I think might have some recollection of what I was like, but not on the day to day, you know what I mean? Not in that way, right? Um, and then I was thinking maybe there was a college, a college friend.

SPEAKER_00 8:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:11

Yeah. A college friend of mine with an incredible memory. She didn't have children, so she didn't loan out her brain to the other species.

SPEAKER_00 8:18

Her, yeah. So do you ever talk to her? Would you talk to her and say hi?

SPEAKER_01 8:23

I do talk to her, but it's funny while you and I were talking about this beforehand, I thought, God, I should write her and I should probably not launch into straight up, like, hey, do you remember me when I was? I mean, but this is like when I was 20.

SPEAKER_00 8:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:38

19. I yeah, it's yeah, like what was zero to nine? Who remembers zero to nineteen? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

Exactly. Exactly. Yeah, you're just gonna have to make up some stories and we'll just

The Unlabeled Photo Problem

SPEAKER_00 8:50

delete you.

unknown 8:51

Yeah. There you go.

SPEAKER_00 8:52

There you go. So if you could, is there something you wish you could still ask your parents, um, or your brother, even not emotional, maybe even just practical, like, hey, remember that recipe or that story?

SPEAKER_01 9:12

I think not so much a recipe. I mean, although my brother was a chef, which is funny. Um, not so much a recipe. Um, I think I would just like to remember, I don't know. You know, what did we talk about? Maybe it's kind of more basic. You know, what did we talk about? What what did we, you know, my brother and I were like at each other a lot, you know, like a lot of brother and sisters. Um well as adults we weren't together either. I mean, my brother moved, my brother moved when he was 20 to Denmark. And he lived, so I was 23, he was 20, he lived outside of the country that I outside of the US for the rest of his life. So first lived in Denmark, then he moved then he lived in Brazil. Like we never after twenty after he was 20, we never were together, except on a trip, you know. So it was be more like when we were kids. Right. And yes, we fought a lot when we were kids.

SPEAKER_00 10:17

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 10:17

Yeah, you know, but we had some good times too.

SPEAKER_00 10:19

Of course, siblings.

SPEAKER_01 10:20

And I'm sure he has some memories of things. I know for for a fact he does, has some memory have has some memory of things I don't even remember. Like so when you go, was there an event or was like a thing you wanted to remember? I remember when he was alive, we were talking about something, I don't even remember what it was. And he goes, Oh, that didn't happen like that. And I go, What do you mean? Yes, it did. And he goes, and then that was the beauty of it. He could fill in the other part of it, the color, you know.

SPEAKER_00 10:47

Yeah. Um, I suppose that's the piece that I would miss, right? Is just seeing it from someone else's point of view from your family, yeah. When everything was just so right there when you were young. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:59

Just yeah, yeah. I don't because I don't So maybe maybe you and your brother should do an oral history of things.

SPEAKER_00 11:05

Yeah, we really should. Yeah. And especially because we have we're about five years apart. So then there was also five years of him not having me in the house, too. So I think that's a totally different experience. Uh I would love to hear, yeah, yeah, we should do this.

SPEAKER_01 11:21

Yeah. Is he older or younger?

SPEAKER_00 11:23

He's younger.

SPEAKER_01 11:24

Right.

SPEAKER_00 11:25

He's he's my baby brother. He doesn't like it that I say that, but yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:28

It's slightly diminutive.

SPEAKER_00 11:30

Um, I don't care. He's my baby.

SPEAKER_01 11:34

But it would be an interesting question, you know, it's an interesting conversation.

SPEAKER_00 11:38

I feel like everyone should do it if they have siblings, just to go back and say, Hey, do you remember it this way? I there's a story in my mind, good, bad, whatever. Just fill in, please, you know, yeah, absolutely. And even from your parents' perspective, too.

SPEAKER_01 11:53

Right. And don't wait. I'm just gonna say, like, you know, this would be an amazing card, like game. We should make this a game and market it. Okay, don't anybody else take this idea. Um, you know, yeah, because we don't get talking about these things, and then we then our people die, and then we lose this information, and it'd be so amazing to have it.

SPEAKER_00 12:16

It would be. I'm actually writing a book about my parents, as you know, when they were younger. So I'm so happy that I decided to do this, that I had the thought, the idea to do that, because I'm getting so much information from them and their childhood while they're still here, too.

SPEAKER_01 12:31

So yeah, amazing. Yeah, amazing.

SPEAKER_00 12:34

Yeah. So let me ask you too, do you feel older since they've been gone or

Questions You Cannot Ask Now

SPEAKER_00 12:40

just different?

SPEAKER_01 12:43

I don't feel older. It's funny. Remember when we were talking last week about how old we actually feel. No, I don't think my internal clock has changed one bit since they passed away. Yeah. I think I feel, yeah, I am like somewhere between 22 and 35. Um, I think I feel more, and don't go, ooh, it's not a sad thing, but like I feel more alone, like untethered. You know, I think when they all, you know, when my mom passed away, I really felt like, oh wow, this experience, like, oh, you know, like when you break your leg and you're on crutches, right? I felt like one crutch got knocked out from under me. And and I thought, oh, how weird. You know, I'm an adult and I still and I have I'm having that feeling, like the person I was leaning on is no longer here. And then I questioned, I didn't realize I was leaning on her. But then I think then I felt like later, at least for me, I felt like not that I was leaning on her so much, but that wasn't that sort of like the ladder of the relationship.

SPEAKER_02 13:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:55

Right. Um, so now I just feel like alone in that.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 14:03

You know, not like I'm free-falling or anything like that. Um, I think in some ways, and and actually coaching helped me with this, and my coach helped me with this, but I was really reticent to explore the idea that my husband's family was my family. I think. Because I just felt like oh, maybe I don't do family well. Oh wow. And um, I was challenged by my coach to um, you know, act as if in a way. It's been amazing. So I love them and they are my family, and my immediate family is my family. And of course, and you do family well. And I do family well. And of course, I I came from people and I I wish they were here.

SPEAKER_00 15:04

Yeah. Uh you know, you made me think of so my husband has lost both of his parents, but when his mom passed away, it's been over a decade now, but um, when she passed away, I remember he would want to grab the phone to call her about uh the Carolina game because they would always talk Carolina basketball after the game, before the game, all the game, you know, everything Carolina. And he's like, I can't just call her and say, Did you watch that? You know, he it was took a while for him to let go of wanting to do that.

SPEAKER_01 15:39

I absolutely felt that way when my mom passed away. Less so with my dad, but I just think that was it's not that he and I didn't talk on the phone. We often did, and we spoke very, you know, deeply about different subject matters, but with my mom, it was a

Feeling Untethered Then Rebuilding Family

SPEAKER_01 15:55

little bit we talked so much, yeah, that that her that was a hole.

SPEAKER_00 16:03

Yeah. You know, yeah. Oh, it actually just um, even though it would cause a hole, I would uh the fact that you said you guys talked so often, I don't talk to my mom so often, but it's making me still want to talk to her now more often, even if it would leave a hole, because the idea of this is like, oh gosh, I just don't want to waste that time.

SPEAKER_01 16:25

Yeah. Well, I think about yeah, absolutely. I think about that relationship with my own daughter.

SPEAKER_02 16:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:32

And how often, you know, my husband will say, Oh, she calls you all the time and she doesn't call me so often.

SPEAKER_00 16:41

And yet we've got that same conversation here too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:44

And yet, you know, I say, Oh, well, let me just tell you what today's conversation was about, you know. And then, and then he'll say, like, oh, we talked about music. And I'm like, Well, we talked about junk and donuts.

SPEAKER_00 16:59

He's like, Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:00

And it's not that she and I don't have deep conversations because we we definitely do, but I get more, I get a lot of the other stuff that I would talk with my mom about too. I'm like, okay, I'm driving somewhere. Hi, what do you do? Everyday stuff, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:14

Yeah, exactly. Yep. Right. I always call like the filler conversation. Like it's like you're just calling your pal and you're just chatting away, you know, which I think is really cool. Yeah. My daughter does the same thing. And I I love it.

SPEAKER_01 17:27

You love it. I love it. Yeah, yeah. I love it.

SPEAKER_00 17:31

So let me ask you an maybe uncomfortable question. Do you my way? Do you sometimes feel free because they're not here? Like you now you've maybe you don't worry about their judgment or judgment.

SPEAKER_01 17:51

Free. I don't think that would be. You know, I I would say that I don't feel I wouldn't say that I felt free. Um I mean, I I have no idea what it'd be like if they were here. And I wish I could have that experience. Um sometimes I feel I felt some freedom, you know, as in, I'll explain. So I'll I'll encounter someone who'll tell me, Oh, I got married and my god, my mom and my dad, and they had so many things, and I had to do it their way, and da da da. And I was like, Well, I never had that. Of course, my dad was alive, but he didn't, he wasn't gonna intervene on my details.

SPEAKER_02 18:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:41

Um, so there that's a moment where I'm like, ooh, I'm free. Um, and then there's a yeah, and then there's other times where I where I feel like, um, gosh, I wish they knew me now, and we could have now that I've, you know, um gone through life coaching, become a life coach, sorted out some of my own personality traits that were in my way. And I wonder if we would do the dance of relationship differently. Yeah. So I wish they could see that in me, and I wish I could be me now with them, you know, in order to experience those things, which I'll I only was able to do with them as with them, you know, dead.

SPEAKER_00 19:34

You you made me think of, you know, I've just recently been having a lot of um people dying around me again. This seems to happen periodically. Yes. Um and it but what you just said made me think because we just did lose a friend who much younger than me, probably about 43, but he has he left behind um three kids. And just given what you just said makes me think of, you know, we of course we don't know when we're gonna pass away, right? So what could we say to our kids, like, because we're not gonna see them it like if it happens tomorrow? Like I know there isn't any kind of anything we could really prep. But like, hey, listen, I know you're gonna grow into an amazing adult, you know, and don't worry,

The Calls You Still Reach For

SPEAKER_00 20:25

you know. Like, I don't know, is there something we could always be saying just so that they know not to worry after we leave? Again, I've just lost a lot of people that um were young and had young children.

SPEAKER_01 20:42

So I mean, I think it really depends on the age of your child though, and what they're able to to to understand. I mean, I mean, there have been times where like I should write letters to her so that you know, and then yeah, and then I never did. Never do.

SPEAKER_00 20:59

And I think you're yeah, even working on this book with my parents, I'm like, oh, I should l leave some stories behind just in case about me, you know. If my kids ever wondering if I, you know, die tomorrow.

SPEAKER_01 21:13

Oof, yeah, yeah, but true, yeah. Um, yeah, so I mean, writing letters, of course. Um, you know, you always see that in the movies or TV or what have you, and but it's like really lovely.

SPEAKER_00 21:27

Yeah. Did you ever watch that movie with Michael Keaton when he does like a video? Oh gosh.

SPEAKER_01 21:34

What movie was that? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:35

I'm gonna I'm gonna Google it as we're talking. But um, oh god, well he leaves a books. He like because he knows he's gonna die and they just have the baby. Yeah. Uh huh. I will go investigate.

SPEAKER_01 21:47

But investigate and report back.

SPEAKER_00 21:49

I will.

SPEAKER_01 21:50

Um yeah, but things like that, you know, I think are would would probably be amazing. It's you know, um, a friend of mine died three Years ago, and he was in hospice, which gave me the opportunity to to create a video for him because I couldn't. He lived on the East Coast. I lived here. And while I really wanted to go see him, it just wasn't he needed to just be with his immediate family.

SPEAKER_00 22:18

Right. Of course.

SPEAKER_01 22:19

Um, but I was able to leave him a video. And and so I think those kinds of things are cool nowadays, you know? Yeah. Um, the other thing is to tell your children all the time and not wait for a time when you're not here. Exactly. So that they are so their tank is full.

SPEAKER_00 22:39

Yes, absolutely. Don't leave them wondering. Yeah. Yeah. So did becoming the oldest generation now change how you see your own death as we're talking about our deaths?

SPEAKER_01 22:54

Not really. Not really. Um no, I don't know that that had an impact. I've just on how I see I mean, I don't think so. I I don't think that really had the impact. I think really the impact on my own mortality came after having a child.

SPEAKER_00 23:18

Right.

SPEAKER_01 23:19

And and coming to the realization, like, oh shit, I gotta keep it together so this kid doesn't lose me while they're too young. While they're too young, yeah. Yeah. And maybe that, you know, and maybe I can't, I don't in my mind, I can't think of a direct correlation, like a moment where I had that thought, oh shit, my dad died. I wonder if I should have thought about this having children thing, or now what am I gonna do? But because people started dying right after, you know, my aunts and uncles started dying, like kind of after I had her.

Freedom Without Judgment

SPEAKER_01 23:50

And then I think when I my dad died when she was just like three and a half. So it was like in those first few years where I was like, crap, what's going on? I mean, not that I'd ever even thought about like I need to stay around, but then I had this little baby, and I was like, I need to stay around.

SPEAKER_00 24:09

Yeah, it isn't until you really have a baby that suddenly I hear that from people often right now. You work to worry about your own mortality. Yeah, absolutely. Let me ask you, because your dad did pass away when he he died when he was active and sharp, right? Does that make it any easier or harder for you? And even thinking about your own life and your mortality, hard to say that word for some reason.

SPEAKER_01 24:34

Um in that I uh is your question, are you worried that you'll die young and both?

SPEAKER_00 24:43

Is that what you mean? Both, a little bit of both. Like, did it make it easier or harder for you that because you didn't have to like your mom, right? Kind of see the pain.

SPEAKER_01 24:52

He just all done. Um, or now I've done it both ways.

SPEAKER_00 25:01

Which that's actually that's my question. Like, which way was harder or easier?

SPEAKER_01 25:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:08

Oh, look, Beth has balloons. You're listening to us, you can't see it. We definitely don't know how to make balloons happen.

SPEAKER_01 25:15

No, but she just did it again over this topic, right? Exactly. Um that's an interesting question. Uh both were really hard for different reasons. Um, the shock of losing someone that you didn't expect to die is probably harder than watching someone die. Although watching someone die is incredibly hard. In I mean, I'm not saying one is better than the other.

SPEAKER_00 25:44

I was gonna say so, neither. Yeah. You wouldn't choose, I think.

SPEAKER_01 25:49

I mean, all you have with someone that is dying is the benefit of some time. Right. Um and saying what you want to say. Yeah, and saying what you want to say. Although, you know, you're also I found myself engaged in the in the how do we keep

Leaving Letters Videos And A Full Tank

SPEAKER_01 26:10

her alive, which also keeps the let's say everything idea at least 30 years ago on the back burner.

SPEAKER_00 26:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:20

You know.

SPEAKER_00 26:21

So yeah. When um Philip's mom passed away, she had a heart attack and she died instantly. Um she was 70, so that felt young, you know. Yeah. Um and then and and so it was shocking. Uh, and then when Philip's um dad passed away, that was more not because of sickness, just age. We had to watch him grow, the decline. Yeah. So I feel like that was hard for them, you know. Um because then the standing, this you know, falling all the time, the you know, and then just wondering there's that, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:01

Wondering I didn't have that. Yeah, I didn't have that, I will say, yeah. Um, but I I have seen that my my um husband's father, I did see that with it, with him. Yeah, yeah. Also not easy. I mean, geez. It is easy. Nope.

SPEAKER_00 27:21

And you I remember you said that you don't feel your mom's presence anymore.

SPEAKER_01 27:27

No, I know I I don't or even your dad, like it's I don't know how to listen. Yeah, I mean, sometimes there was this one time that I was talking about it with a friend of mine, and I was like, I never see a sign. Why do you always see signs? I'm so envious, you know. And she's like, Well, I look, and I'm like, but and then this thing happened, you know, CarPlay in your car's radio. Oh, right. You have car play. Yeah. Um all of a sudden I was on the phone with that friend, and my radio started playing through the car play, and it was some song I can't even remember what it is now, where the lyric was a sort of apropos to what I had been saying about not being able to find my dad out there in the world. And I thought that seems like a sign.

SPEAKER_00 28:23

Okay, I got a sign.

SPEAKER_01 28:25

Yeah, uh, but as far as my mom goes, I I have not had a sign, and I also haven't really worked, I mean, worked on it so much either.

SPEAKER_00 28:35

Right. Is it something you would even want to do, or is it just really like yeah, okay?

SPEAKER_01 28:40

Yeah, I mean, I am okay, yeah. And and you want to sign and perhaps she knows that. And I want to sign, mom. Come on, well, and I'd really, you know, I mean, I really wished,

Shock Versus The Long Decline

SPEAKER_01 28:55

wish she could, you know, see my darling daughter.

SPEAKER_00 29:00

Yeah, that was gonna be my last question for you. Is what do you wish she knew both of your parents? What would you tell them about who you are today and your daughter and your marriage and your life?

SPEAKER_01 29:13

You know, oh my, you know, and it's a lot to say.

SPEAKER_00 29:16

That is a lot of things, yeah. If you could give them just a little small, you know, yeah paragraph.

SPEAKER_01 29:23

A little paragraph. Um, I would say I'm I I have a great life with lots of friends and people who love me, an awesome husband, um, an incredible daughter, and I'm content in a way with myself, in a way that I I I wasn't when I was younger.

SPEAKER_00 30:00

It's beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 30:02

Yeah, and I wish you guys were here waiting.

SPEAKER_00 30:06

Hello. Exactly. So to close us out, I asked Beth these questions because I honestly don't know the answers for myself yet, right? My parents are still here, still in their chairs. My dad going to CVS and not telling anyone that's as fun to do. My mom crocheting and cooking and staying put so she doesn't have to, so she doesn't leave him alone because he's older. He's the one that's having a harder time moving around. And I realized sitting here that I've been dreading the wrong thing, maybe. I've been watching them do nothing and feeling slightly annoyed and maybe a little bit guilty about the annoyance, but what I haven't let myself feel not really is that I'm still somebody's daughter. They're still here. I can still ask, I can still share those stories, and I'm not capitalizing really on my time with them here. I know I'm writing the book, but I feel like there's

Signs Presence And A Hard Closing Truth

SPEAKER_00 31:05

still other things, you know, like other stories, just even when I was younger, not when they were younger, but our time together, you know, I would love I want to ask more about that. Um, so Beth, thank you so much for opening your heart, man, and sharing all that with us. You know, it doesn't really resolve anything yet, but um it was beautiful. Thank you. Thanks everyone for listening toe. I was gonna say, are we getting used to it? But that's not something I really want to get used to. So we'll talk to y'all later.