S1E10: Denetra, Part 2: Black American - I have to know my purpose

Join Jess Lin in Part 2 of her conversation with Denetra, as they discuss her son DeAndre's life journey from high school graduation to battling cancer. Denetra opens up about DeAndre's work and love life, his fight with osteosarcoma, and the impacts of his illness. She also shares her own experience with grief, healing, and how she channels her energy into projects like Smiley Connections LLC to support other parents who have lost children. Listen to Denetra's story and learn about her efforts to pass a bill for more bereavement leave in Georgia, as well as her dream of organizing a healing retreat for grieving parents.

Watch this podcast on Youtube: 

      https://youtu.be/mueMkRh8YPk

Find out more about Denetra’s work: 

      https://smileyconnectionsllc.org/

Donate to the On the Road to Healing Retreat:

      https://gofund.me/0899b5e4

Denetra's TikTok: smileyconnectionsllc

Denetra's Instagram: @smileyconnections

In loving memory of DeAndre Thompson

Thanks so much for listening! Follow, review, and share to help us grow. @thecultureful on Instagram

Chapters

• 0:00 Intro
• 4:05 D'Andre and Kobe
• 8:27 Cancer Journey
• 18:14 Channeling Grief
• 47:05 Denetra's South Carolina

Transcript

Transcript created by AI and may contain errors.

​[00:00:00] 

Jess: You are listening to Cultureful. I'm your host, Jess Lin. This is part two of my conversation with Denetra. If you haven't listened to part one yet, I recommend going back to listen to that first, where we covered Denetra's background, how she coped as a young mother of two, and what her younger son.

DeAndre was like as a child. In this episode, we pick up right after DeAndre's High School graduation. We talk about his work, his love, and his battle with cancer. Denetra also opens up about her journey with grief and healing and how she's channeled her energy into several important projects that support parents who have [00:01:00] lost children.

A couple of quick notes. We had a few audio issues. So some short sections have been remastered with ai, and I've posted the video recording of this interview on YouTube along with photos that Denetra has shared. If you'd like to watch while you listen, just search Cultureful on YouTube. Thank you for being here.

Welcome back from the break. 

Denetra: Yes. 

Jess: I wanna pick up with DeAndre. We're we're at the point where he is graduating high school. 

Denetra: Yes. 

Jess: What did he do next? 

Denetra: He immediately goes to South Carolina State University, which is located in Orangeburg, South Carolina. He went there, I would say about two years before he decided he wanted to leave South Carolina and move to a different city.

So he. He left South Carolina and moved to Maryland. Uh, 'cause he was working for Ruby Tuesdays for quite some time. [00:02:00] And, well, his actual, his first job was Wendy's, but his second job was Chili's. And my husband helped him get that job. 'cause that was a new, uh, Chili's by the airport in North Charleston. And he worked there for a good four years before he said, you know what, I'm gonna go to a different place.

So he ended up going to Maryland 'cause he started working for the airport. Hertz Hertz Rental Center. So Hertz transferred him from Charleston Airport to Dallas Airport, and he started working there and found the Ruby Tuesdays there where he could work part-time there too. So he ended up working 

Jess: two jobs while he was in school.

Denetra: He had left South Carolina State and moved to dc. He didn't start school back right away. He started working. So he was working two jobs and no school at that time. He then started working for Howard University. Someone noticed him and noticed his [00:03:00] personality. Um, she pretty much was giving him an interview right there.

He called me so excited. He said, mom, I spoke to a lady. She worked for Howard University. She wanted me to work in the president's office and. I was like, really? I was like, what? What, what? What? She was like, he was like, she was talking, he like, I already had the job. Like, she was like, I love you. And 

Jess: Wow. So 

Denetra: he went and he got the job.

Like he worked under, uh, Dr. Wayne Frederick. He was the last president at Howard University. Um, he was a, a great mentor to my son as well. I became really family with them. They were really good people to my son, even, you know, when he got sick and even when he passed away. They gave him a proclamation from this college, so I'm grateful for them as well.

Um, he had a partner actually when he passed. Um, his partner, when I brought him back here, his partner ended up coming right behind him. Moved here. And, um, his partner is still here. We lost contract, uh, over the years after DeAndre passed and which [00:04:00] was fine. He was by my son's side up to the moment. My son took his last breath.

So I'm very grateful for Kobe. He's always been a gentleman respectful. 

Jess: What do you know about DeAndre and Kobe's Love 

Denetra: story. So, before Kobe DeAndre was dating another guy, 'cause he moved there with another guy earlier. Um, in those years. And then they broke up and he met Kobe, Kobe, uh, business oriented young fella, very smart, educated young man.

Went to Morehouse, um, you know, school of medicine. He's, he's very smart. They dated for about almost two years when, um, DeAndre passed. Very clean cut gentleman. Handsome young man, you know, to match my son's energy 'cause he loved to dress. So they both loved to dress and I love their love for one another.

Like he took care of my son when I wasn't there. So [00:05:00] I'm, I'm, I'm gonna always be grateful for him. Because the times that I couldn't get to dc he was there and made sure he got to his appointments and treatments and things like that. I really never really missed any treatments, but his appointments and stuff when I wasn't there, he would take him and things like that.

But yeah, he was a all around type person to, to have picked up his life and moved from DC to. To back to Georgia. 'cause I think he was here before and he moved back here after my son got sick and I had to transport my son back here to, to, you know, his final days. So he came here and he's been here, so I don't know if he's still here, but, um, but he came for 

Jess: DeAndre.

Denetra: He came for DeAndre. He really loves Kobe. He, uh, and when I said he loved him, he loves some Kobe. And I'm sorry that. Kobe had to go through this with him, you know, the sickness and everything. And I tried to keep in contact with him, but we lost contact. 'cause I really wanted him to make [00:06:00] sure that he got help, you know, for it.

Because he was right here with him when he passed. So it's like, I just wanna make sure that you're good and you're okay. Yeah. You know? So. 

Jess: And did he, because he grew up in the church, right? He did. He went to church a lot. Yeah. Did he have any internal. Struggle or anything with being gay and growing up in 

Denetra: the church?

No. 'cause nobody really didn't really know, to be honest. Nobody really didn't know. You know, he wasn't like out there, out there. He didn't become solid like that until 2017 when he told me about it. And that's when I, I was like, you're okay. You are telling me something I already know. And he was like. He was like, well, I just wanna condo, you know, let you know.

I was like, you don't have to tell us. We already know. Me and his dad told him that together. We was like, we already know you. Like, okay. 

Jess: His coming out to you didn't feel like a thing for you, but probably it was a thing for him, right? It 

Denetra: was a thing for him. Yeah. So I just respected it and, you know, we, [00:07:00] we've always respected it and gave him a space about whatever you just tell him to be ca careful, cautious, or whatever the case may be.

Um, yeah, he, when he was younger in church and stuff, he didn't, yeah, that's something that people really didn't know. 'cause he did praise dance in church and board. I mean, he was, you know, they were active. We, we always had them active in something, but nobody never, you know, like said anything to him about it or whatever.

But I know he was gay since he was, maybe I would say seventh grade maybe. Seventh grade. Yeah, I could. I could tell that, you know, he wasn't really interested in too many women. He would be around them. He has very, very close girlfriends. I still keep in contact with them to this day. Matter of fact, one of his girlfriends is having a baby.

And she was just upset the other day when we were talking about Dion. She was like, I wish my brother was here because they were really close. And, um, she's getting married and [00:08:00] having a baby. And um, her daughter is 11 now, but um, the other daughter she's about to have and stuff, and she finally got someone and she's gonna be mad because that's all we ever wanted for her.

So I'm, I'm happy for her. I still talk to a lot of his girlfriends. I keep out with them. They keep out with me, especially around his death anniversary. So I I've, I've gotten to have a big family from him. 

Jess: It sounds like DeAndre had so much community and so much love in his life. 

Denetra: He did. 

Jess: So DeAndre worked at Howard University's President's office.

Denetra: Yes. The business college there at Howard. He didn't get a chance to finish, but he did enroll back in school. He was excited about that, getting back in school and finishing his degree, um, because he never got a chance to get his bachelor's degree. So 

Jess: was that around the time that he found out? 

Denetra: He found out he had cancer in 2015, right after my dad passed.

He [00:09:00] came to my dad's funeral, his knee was swollen and, and I kept saying, why are you limping? What's going on? He flew in that day and um, you know, to come to go to the funeral and flew out the next day and he was like, I don't know. He said, I gotta get it checked. And he went and he got a checked and they found out he had osteosarcoma cancer and he needed to start chemotherapy right away.

Jess: Mm. 

Denetra: Mm-hmm. 

Jess: How old was he at that time? 

Denetra: 25. 24 going on 25. 

Jess: How do you think he coped with that news? 

Denetra: Uh, probably the same way I coped with it. When he called me, I was at work and I think I held the phone for like two or three minutes before I even opened my mouth again. He kept call, I could, and it was almost like I almost blacked out with, with the phone in my hand and, and came back and I could hear Mama, mama.

It's like, it's like, are you there? What cancer? Yeah. You know, [00:10:00] I, I didn't know, I didn't know how to, to deal with that because my dad had just died and I was like, what? Yeah. He called me, maybe I would say a month after my dad passed and told me he had the cancer. And right then and there is like, forget the grieving.

Um, I, now I gotta kick into another mode. Which was mom mode. And that's the mode that I think I became numb at that time. And I was just going and going and going and going. I was flying back and forth to DC stayed for weeks at a time. Every time he had a chemo treatment, I was there. Um, chemo would be five days a week, um, for a week at least.

Um, well two weeks back to back with a break in between maybe a couple of days. It was something that I think that contributed a lot to my PTSD, um, [00:11:00] because I now have PTSD because of all the traumatic things that I had to go through and just be able to cope with all of that. That was a lot, it was a lot to traveling and, um, having them call you.

Um, like at one point in March, they called me and told me my child wasn't gonna make it. I need to get to, um, DC right away. And I'm like, what's going on? What's happening? I just talked to him, come to find out he had like a, a blood infection or something. And when I got there, I walked in the room and this is all I saw.

Jess: Okay. For the listener, Dera just, he was smiling, 

Denetra: like, why are you smiling? Okay. Yeah. He, I was like, he. Well, when I tell you this, this guy gave me so much strength. Like he never, he, I tell him all the time now, when I pray to him, I always tell him, you just dunno how much strength you've given your mom.

'cause I had to watch him go through so much and even though he was going through so much, he, it would never tear him down. [00:12:00] Like it would never tear him down. And I'd be like, this child. He got every bit of his mom bones in him, and I never knew how much strength he had. You know, it's like it was my strength coming back out that he needed to give me.

So it was like we were swap, we were swapping rolls, we were swapping rolls because I needed the strength. It was just all happening so fast. Like Children's National Medical Center up in dc, one of the most amazing children's hospital there is in. Just put that out there. Like the nurses and staff there is one, and doctors, counselors.

They all are absolutely amazing because he was an adolescent. He had to go to the children's hospital. Um, and the D disease, the, the cancer he had was adolescent and his d his oncologist, she wanted him to be at the children's hospital where she treated the rest of the children, [00:13:00] so, mm-hmm. So sometime he was the oldest there, but you know, that's where he celebrated his last birthday at his 28th birthday.

They gave him a nice birthday party and so it was like, you know, they were family. They'll always be family. I still keep in contact. 

Jess: What stage of cancer was it when y'all found out? 

Denetra: Um, it was pretty high up there. Um, he never really gave me a stage, but I think it was stage three because they had to go in, even after the one or two treatments of chemo, they went in and did surgery to remove the cells, the cancer cells, um, from, um, the leg where he had it at in the knee area.

They went in and and removed it, and he was two. He was two. Continue with chemotherapy treatments after. 

Jess: Hmm. 

Denetra: He did not continue his chemo treatments after like he was supposed to. [00:14:00] Why not? You know, kids gonna be kids if he feel like he's doing good and maybe he thought. Because they said they got 99.9% of it out.

That don't mean they got a hundred percent out, that he still needed to go to treatment so he could get the treatment. I think he skipped treatments a couple of times because the caseworker reached out to me, uh, one time and asked me if I seen DeAndre. I said, what do you mean if I see DeAndre? You should have seen him also too, you know, so he, he knew that he was supposed to go back to treatment.

And I think that with him not going back to treatment, his cancer came back. And when it came back, it came back aggressive. 

Jess: Oh my gosh. Mm-hmm. 

Denetra: Came back more aggressive. It was absolutely horrible. I mean, I guess he knew what he was doing. I don't know. I really don't know. Because he went to [00:15:00] California that year, uh, for his birthday, 2017, right after he came back from California, he, he said that it came back.

When it came back, it came back aggressive and um, one of his legs was like three legs put together. It was so swollen and he had it in his groin area and then it had spread to his stomach and his lungs, and yeah, he, he should have gone to treatment that may have helped. I think he was just tired of going to treatment 'cause he went like so much.

He did go so much and I think he was just, our faith is in God and I think he was just putting his trust in God and thinking that if I don't go, maybe it'll go away, but it didn't. I think about, well, what if he did go or whatever, but everybody had their own decisions over their lives. We would talk to him about it and say, you know, you need to go.

You need to go back. He would say, yeah, I know. And I don't think he really wanted to. And um, that was [00:16:00] his decision. It's nothing that I could've done. I couldn't have go up there and drag him by his hand and make him go. It was just me begging and pleading, please go back. 'cause you, you probably need to go back.

And he was avoiding it. 'cause I know he knew probably that if he went back they would've found it, you know? And, and it did. He finally went back. And once he went back, that's when. We had to start the process all over again and then had to make the decision of amputating his leg, try to save his life or give him a little bit more time to live.

But really, um, he only lived about seven more months and then he still ended up passing away because. At first theology, didn't wanna get the amputation, but I told him, I said, if you wanna live a little bit longer, you might wanna get it. 'cause if not, I mean, he had to make a decision. And, and I know that that's hard as a child, 27 years old, you're sitting here trying to think, okay, I get my leg cut off.

Am I still gonna live or am I gonna live? It was really, uh, trying [00:17:00] time and I think that, well, what I wish is, it doesn't happen to anybody else, but unfortunately. It's gonna happen to somebody. It was hard. It's still hard some days, but it's not as hard as it was because I lived it and I got through it and I survived it.

So that's where, you know, everything that I do as far as my passion about everything that I'm doing comes from. 

Jess: How do you think DeAndre would like to be remembered? 

Denetra: First thing DeAndre liked to be remembered by was his smile, his smile. Was just the most infectious thing. There was his personality, his mannerism.

Just basically he, he was a kind human being. I never knew him to be mean to anybody or I, I rarely saw him mad about stuff, so I just want people to remember him as a kind. Big [00:18:00] smile mannerism young man, because that's what he was, he was very smart and, and those are the things that a mother, a parent is always gonna be proud of.

So I'm very proud that he, he made something out of his self while he was here. 

Jess: Thank you. Thank you for sharing about his journey. I think having. A child get diagnosed with cancer or any kind of potentially life limiting thing, it sounds like the most unimaginably difficult thing to go through. And I, and I feel for you and I feel for your family, I feel for everyone that has to go through something like that.

Denetra: Yeah. 

Jess: For the families that are going through that right now, maybe you know, someone just got diagnosed or maybe they've lost a child. How did you get through it and like what? What would you share with them? 

Denetra: Well, how I got through it, I'm a Christian, so I believe [00:19:00] in God. I prayed every day. It was downright hard, and there were days when I thought that, for me personally, I thought that I wouldn't make it because it was so hard.

Like I would sit on the side of the bed each day and just. Ask God to please take this away from me or take it off of me because it got so heavy some days where I didn't know the light of day or the time of day, or what day it was, or whatever the case may be, because I was so caught up in my grief. I was never angry.

I hear some people say they get angry with God. I, I could never be angry with God because. The God I serve, I know he goes ahead of us and he has plans ahead of us. So we don't know what his plans is going to be. So we just have to live our lives as if it was the last day of our lives sometimes, you know?

So I, um, I couldn't be angry, but I didn't [00:20:00] question if I did enough for him, if, if there was something I missed. But I, I had to realize that. We all have to leave here one day, and I'm sure the person who loves us the most next size will be asking the same question. What did I do if I did enough? You know, so, so what I did was, um, I started looking for resources.

I did go to counseling a few times. I took medications here and there, but I created a group. Myself on Facebook after joining a group on Facebook for parents that lost children. I didn't like it because there was so many people in there. It was like over a thousand or 2000. It was just too many people and didn't, it didn't feel like a safe space for me.

So I created my own safe space on Facebook. Uh, parents that have lost children, um, support group, and it has about 286 members in it. Which I like because we're all close. We're all have grown to love each other like [00:21:00] family. I have a messenger chat where we chat in there every day about, you know, things that are going to be, uh, relevant to our grief.

We don't have to be ashamed to talk about our angels 'cause I call them angels and I call the parents angel parents. Because these are their angels. I make sure that this safe, this space is safe for them. Where they can come in, talk about them, share their angel anniversary, birthdays, any special things that they wanna share, um, what's going on in their lives.

Because my thing was, I created the group for the parents, but once I feel like I told them once they have gotten everything they need out the group. They can unfriend the group because what I don't want to happen is triggers. We always have a new parent come in that just lost a child. I have some parents who've just lost their child within a week or a month that joined the group, and I'm like, how do you do it?

Because it took me two years to even create this group. So you got some people out there that are actually looking for the help and the support, and that's what I [00:22:00] provide. I, I provide that. And Smiley, smiley Connections. LLC came from my last name, smiley. I wanna put smiles on parents' face again, by connecting them with other parents that have lost children, that have something in common that we all can unite together and, and just kind of get through this grief together.

So that's what Smiley Connections LLC does. There's so much more to that. I want to create a retreat for them as well. That's how I got through it. I, I pretty much did that and then I started putting my passion into some things that could change with us. So I'm trying to get a bill pass here in, in the state of Georgia for parents that lose children for more bereavement time and protection.

And so that's how I end up putting all my passion inside of just doing stuff for other people because I've been always helping others my entire life until it's like, that's all I know. My dad taught me that my dad was a person who was of [00:23:00] community safety. Neighborhood. He was everything. And, um, I learned all my work ethics from him and.

She, she always was very smart. I always watched her as a child growing up how she would have these, these nice good jobs and you know, doing all this nice important stuff and I'd be like, Uhhuh, I wanna be important like her, you know? So, yeah, she was always smart. Very smart. And my dad, he knew everybody. I always used to make fun of him.

You know, we were younger, we was like, dad, when you died. You gonna have to have your funeral at an arena. I said, because, you know, you know too many people, like, he, he knew everybody in, in Charleston, like, are you serious? Like he, if it wasn't a Charleston, it was wherever he traveled or wherever he went, he always met somebody if who knows something or knows somebody.

He was very smart, very educated man. My, my mom too, but she was never a public person [00:24:00] like that. She was more of a subtle person. But my dad. My dad knew everybody. I'm telling you, everybody. And so that's where I get it from. I get it from him and I just wanna make him proud. 'cause you know, I was the only one in my family graduated from college.

Um, nobody else in my family has ever graduated from college. So. I'm trying to create a generation for my grandkids. So, you know, I hear my grandson say, I'm smart, like my nana. I want him to always keep saying that. So I say he's 11. He don't know no better. He's 

Jess: smart, just like his nana. Amazing. He sees the example that you're setting.

Um, now I wanna bring us up to the present. So 2025. How would you describe where you are in the grieving and recovery healing process? 

Denetra: I would say that I am maybe 50% of getting, [00:25:00] I'll never be a hundred percent. One thing I teach my group is it never goes away. It just gets tolerable. So you learn how to deal with it more than you have to say you're trying to get rid of it because it will never go away because it's your child.

Um, a piece of you is missing. Um, because, you know, taking this anatomy and physiology class, I'm, I'm, you know, discovered that's a whole part of me that's gone. So I feel some type of way, you know, for them being gone. So you just have to. Take it step by step. I think that I tell 'em, take a step by step and breath by breath every time you breathe in.

Just thank God, breathe out and say, I can do this. Just keep fighting. So I think I'm 50% of where I need to be. Um, some days I'm up, some days I'm really down and it'll be for a couple of days. So I'm not really in the work field right [00:26:00] now. I'm doing school and then working on a bill. So. Because I, I know my limitations of the days that I have those moments, um, the days I want.

So I have to kind of figure out my next career move as far as job wise and if there is another career, or if I'm just gonna go full force with everything, with smiley connections and make that a big thing for people that are going to need it in the future. So 

Jess: what are you studying in school? 

Denetra: It's an another form of medical, it's medical billing and coding.

I have my license as a, um, certified professional coder, so I'm trying to get another license in health information management coding specialist as well. So, um, I have everything else. Um, I have the business administration, I have the microcomputer business Applications certification. So it's like I, I always try to keep my mind sharp.

I think, I think I'm doing it for myself. I'm not doing it for anybody else. See if I still got [00:27:00] the, with the, the knowledge of, of ascertaining a lot of the stuff that I'm being taught here. And, and so far I have a 4.0 average. I, I graduated with a 4.0 in 2022 for my other medical billing in college, um, class as, uh, Magna ku.

So I'm, I'm good. Good. 

Jess: So you went back to school after you had the kids and got your 

Denetra: My associate's degree. Business, administration of technology from TRI to technical college right there in um, Charleston. I did, it took me about four years because I was, I started, I stopped, I took 2 1 2, you know, couple classes.

But I ended up graduating in 2012. 'cause I started in 2008 and that was the best day of my entire life because I never got my high school diploma. So I was not able to walk across the stage. I had my GED and so that started my journey in all my certifications. Like I, I just had to keep going for more. I want more and more and more.

I never took the [00:28:00] bachelor's or the master's, but I got certifications and things that I needed to have for the jobs that I was on. So I do have, uh, a good bit of different types of certifications that would like to have, you know, Spanish. 

Jess: Spanish. 

Denetra: Yes. I wanna do Spanish. 

Jess: Oh, I'm a Spanish learner. Really? I dunno if we talked about this, but Yeah.

And I, I actually am striving to improve my Spanish all the time because I eventually want to have more Spanish speaking guests on here, and I wanna interview them in Spanish. Well, I Oh, that would be nice. Well, I, I've already interviewed one of my friends in Spanish. She is my, actually, she's my language buddy.

Denetra: I, I'm, I am so wanting to speak Spanish so bad, like I've been wanting to, and I don't even know why. I just have never taken a class or anything yet. Nothing. 

Jess: Maybe this is the year. 

Denetra: Hey, this is, this is the year of winning and success. So I, I'll try it. I'll try it because I think after this year, there's no more school for me.

I keep [00:29:00] saying that 'cause I said that back in 2022. People were like, uh, okay, now you finished school now for good. I'm like, yeah, girl, no more school for me. And here I am taking another class again. Let's take a short break.

Jess: I am sure there's a lot of listeners thinking to themselves, um, as they listen to this conversation, that they know someone who has gone through the tragedy of losing a child. So in your personal experience, and also you know, what you've seen with smiley connections. What advice [00:30:00] do you have for people that wanna support parents that have lost a child?

Like say, it's my friend or my relative. What kind of support is helpful for, you know, community to provide? Is, is there anything? 

Denetra: To be honest, every case is different, so everybody agrees different. Some people may want the help, some people may not even want the help. Because I've run into a few of those, like some people would say, yes, I, I really need now a lot of people that are in my group, they really, they really appreciate being in because you just wanna talk to somebody who has a similar situation.

Mm-hmm. It's hard talking to a person who's never lost a child and explain it to them, your feelings, because they're not gonna know how you feel. So I would suggest to people, if you want the help. Get the help. They have 9, 8, 8 out there, which is a free suicide [00:31:00] prevention line that talks about anything, everything you wanna call and you wanna talk to somebody neutral outside of your family and friends.

That's a neutral place. They also have grease share program. It's called Grease Share. You just go to grease share.com and they have grief groups at churches and community centers that go through a whole. I think it's a workbook that they go through each session to kind of help you learn how to deal with different grief.

Those are any types of grief, like spouses, parents, children, but as far as children, that's a whole different subject than losing your parent. So, and it's sad. Now you can actually find somebody else that has lost a child by going on the internet, TikTok and things like that, and it's sad that that happens.

But when that happens, find a secure, safe space for you to express yourself because it's so hard to [00:32:00] have safe spaces and know they're safe because just because it's a. Big group of people who say they've lost their children. Be very careful about those types of groups. You wanna get more intimate. Um, that's why I say my group is only 286 members.

Everybody is not active, but the people that are active, it's only like a handful and. I still keep the group running and it's not overwhelming, it's not overbearing, and it's so much information and so much of what I don't push in my group is religion. I don't push religion. I don't push government. I don't push political.

I don't push anything. I. That circles the outside of that, because that's no place for it in the group. The group is basically for parents that support each other in the death of their children and their sister or brother. My advice is to just do what's gonna be best for you and your [00:33:00] health. I did counseling.

I did it for a little while, off and on. I took medications. I did go to Grief Share. I didn't like it because it was, I was very early on in my grief, and it was just too devastating for me to be sitting in the class and listening to everyone cry, so I couldn't take it. And so now I've created avenues for me, myself, some of my friends.

I've lost children. We have an avenue, my group, and the things that I do within my group. I've had like online book club in my group where we read a book by Megan Divine called, um, it's Okay Not to Be. Okay. We did, that was the very first online book group that I've, I've ever did, and we did that. I do sip and paints on, on the video with them as well.

So I try to do activities. I also have a book that I'm writing. I started writing it, but I haven't finished it. And it's [00:34:00] called Life's Interruptions. I've done two or three, um, live interviews on Facebook where I ask, you know, different questions, almost like a podcast and just ask them things that they can share with other, um.

Parents that see this, just how they got through their grief, talk about their family dynamics, what happens with families when you lose children, um, and you still have living children and how it was for work. That's the purpose of the the bill that I have. DeAndre Thompson, parental Bereavement Protection Act.

I asked them if they, when they took off, would they, they have enough time to take off and how much days were given and was their job protected? So the bill basically protects everybody here in the state of Georgia that is working and that has 25 or more employees. I. So the bail gives them not just the three to four days, it gives them 10 days and they get extended compassionate leaves for four weeks.

So it's like, it's more than what is being [00:35:00] offered right now because FMLA does not protect our jobs. If we lose a children, lose a child. But if you have a baby, you get 12 weeks of job protection. So that's why I am trying to get the bill passed and do all these different things, um, to get 'em, get it passed smaller connections.

LLC is the other part of me where I, I'm trying to have a retreat for the parents that have lost children support group. I've been trying to do this for three, almost three years. I have a GoFundMe page up that has $93 in it outta the 10,000 that I'm looking for. So, 

Jess: so that was gonna be my next question.

How, if the listener wants to connect or support the Bill Smiley Connections retreat, if they're, they know someone that might want to join, um, the Facebook group. How, how do people connect with you and how do people find ways to support I. 

Denetra: Parents that have lost Children's support Group is on Facebook.

It's a private group, so when you do click on it, it will ask you [00:36:00] questions in order for you to be automatically, um, entered into the group. Um, smiley connections llc.org is my webpage and has all the information on there about my bills, my past interviews with different magazines that I've been on. Um, it also has a link for you to click if you would like to donate.

It's called On the Road to Healing Retreat. Smiley connections. LLC will be sponsoring that hopefully by 2026. I've been trying to put it on for quite some time now. Um, it's five days, four nights, and I'm going to have my first one in Charleston because I'm familiar with the area. It will be full of arts, it will be full of activities.

You know, not a whole lot. 'cause I want them to be able to come out and get that, that healing. I do have some special guests that will, will attend, um, like counselors, um, life coach, you know, things that I can help with both the adults and the children. [00:37:00] Um, so I, I look forward to putting that on. That's my biggest dream.

So they can I have a GoFund Me page. Um, it is on the Road to Healing Retreat. 

Jess: I'll link all that stuff in the description of the podcast too. Absolutely. 

Denetra: Absolutely. That's just a dream of mine to have that so I can get the parents to come out. 'cause sometime it's really hard for us to just even get out the bed.

So just to have a trip once a year that they can come to and enjoy it with other family members who share the same thing that they share. And yet share very close, personable, memorable memories of their angels with one another. And then they get to relieve some of that grief off of them just for those couple of days.

And then they get to go back home and, and say, now I think I might can do this. So just, uh, healing process for everybody to be able to come and enjoy themselves. 

Jess: That sounds like a really beautiful offering. I hope you're able [00:38:00] to put it on in 2026. For the bill, for listeners that are in Georgia, is there any way that folks can support the bill?

Denetra: Well, the unfortunate thing is, is that if you are outside of the capitol, no, it's nothing. Nobody can get the vote on. Um, the only thing I can do is really go down there and advocate for it, um, because it's already been drawn up. Um, that. I'm waiting for it to get introduced in this session because if it doesn't get introduced in this session, I have to wait until 2027.

Hmm. So, I did speak to Representative Scott and she assured me that she was gonna try to get it put on the the dockets, but haven't heard anything from her yet. I will reach out again because it's getting close to the end of session almost, and I just want to see if my bail even made it. Session session or what's happening because I haven't heard anything [00:39:00] else from her.

I've emailed everybody that I could think of that has anything to do with working families. So pretty much, I think everybody in Georgia who has some type of title around here may have an email from me. I've emailed. I've emailed the news stations, the radio station. I'm really trying to get some media coverage on this and some.

Some generalization out there. Maybe one person I hear and I'll be like, what? Okay. But it's like, uh, everybody is for the bill. It's just that I just need to build some pass. Mm-hmm. And that's just my hardest thing. I've never done anything to this aspect and this realm. Um, this is a big thing for me. Um, I think I was taking it a little lightly at first, but now I'm to the point where I'm kind of sweating bullets.

'cause I wanted to pass. Mm-hmm. I wanted to pass. This would be a great thing for the state of Georgia. I mean, uh, it's unfortunate that I had to go through what I had to go through in [00:40:00] order for the bill to take place, but I'm glad that this is how laws come about and bylaws and, and things like that. And, and it's like you have to have an experience in order for you to say, you know what?

I think there should be a change to this. So. 

Jess: Detra, I wanna say that you are extremely inspirational. I'm sure you, you've heard this, but you know, to, to take the grief, the experiences, the challenges that you've gone through. And there've been many. 

Denetra: Yeah. 

Jess: And to. Turn that like, not to not let that crush you, but then to turn that into motivation to not only help, you know, community members that have lost children, but also to help future Georgians.

Yes. That will have to go through the same thing. I, I'm really grateful that you're, you know, on here to be really authentic and open and talk about that. It's not, you [00:41:00] know, no one's ever a hundred percent. After this. Right. And like That's right. And that is a journey and you're healing and that's every day.

But at the same time, day to day, 

Denetra: yeah. 

Jess: Think things aren't always like linear in, in the healing process. Right. So thank you for just being really real and sharing and it's really brave. Absolutely. To kind of. Be that real with people and listeners and me, so 

Denetra: yeah. Yeah, it, it took a lot for me to get to this point and I, I, I told myself that once I got here that I'm not gonna stop.

So, yeah. Some days I little rough and I don't want to talk, I don't wanna do anything. And I always second guess myself. No, I'm not gonna do it again. I'll reschedule it. I'll do this, I'll do, and I do that a lot. But I have to know my purpose in life. And th this was the one thing that I asked God when I was going through the [00:42:00] darkest deeds of my life, when my son passes, what is my purpose?

Like, I felt like I didn't have a purpose anymore after my son passed. I, I was like, I was just taking care of him all these years. So what am I supposed to do now? So I am very grateful that he showed me a path in helping others because this is the stuff that I do. Um, for anybody, anybody who knows me knows that I'm a generous person or knows that I would do anything to help anybody.

You know, they just need to ask. You, just, just ask me. And I, and I'm, I'm there. If I can do it, I'll do it. If I can't, I'll tell you I'm not gonna, you know, give you false hope. But I, I thank you for this opportunity to be able to sit on your podcast and give my story, my history. Like I've, I have not done that.

This is the first, and I appreciate that because I [00:43:00] have something to look back on and say, that was my life and, and here's my life story, and this is what happened to me, and this is why I did what I did. Because Jessica invited me on her show, and here I'm talking like I've been here forever, 

Jess: but I've just arrived and I think you're, you're inspiring me in this moment to also be a little bit vulnerable and.

I wanna share that. Yeah, I've been going on a crazy grief journey really, um, the last few years. Um, as well, I, you know, have been going through a disability journey. I've grieved loss of career, loss of identity a lot, loss of a lot of things. And, and so when you're talking about like memory issues, I'm like, I, I get you, I get you with that stuff.

Yes. And then on top of that, I. Have, um, gone through two miscarriages, um, [00:44:00] over two years. Really, it was 2023 and 2024, and that kind of biological grief. It was something that I, for a moment there I was like, am I gonna get through this? Like, I, I don't know, you know, like it was Mm, it was all consuming. It was extremely visceral.

Denetra: Yes. 

Jess: And so, 

Denetra: yeah. I'm sorry you went through that. 

Jess: Thank you, and I think also when I met you at the Capitol, when we were there for Asian American Advocacy Day and you were telling me about the bill, I got really emotional because you mentioned that it would include people going through fertility issues and stuff like that.

Denetra: Fertility and miscarriages and stillbirth. Yes. 

Jess: Yeah. And that really moved me, you know, and because a lot of times, you know, like miscarriages, it's like people don't talk about it. 

Denetra: They don't talk about it. Yes. 

Jess: And I'm talking about it now, partially because [00:45:00] I don't want it to be taboo, you know? That's right.

It's, it's one thing to go through it. It's another thing if you feel like you have to hide it. And so I don't, I talk about it. I don't want it to be taboo. Um mm. Um, so I really appreciate that you included that in the bill. 

Denetra: Absolutely, absolutely. And that's one of the things that I saw because the bill was based off of another bill in Illinois, the state of Illinois, and they had those verbiages in there.

And I said, you know what? That would be great to include that, not only for just the death of a child. I, I needed to be specific, I needed to say a miscarriage, a stillbirth, a, you know, uh, things like that. Fertility, because all those things consume us as parents and, and consume us as a parent that is trying to have a baby as well, so that those things need to be included in the bill as well.

If I gotta wait till [00:46:00] 2027, I, I, I do wanna make sure that the bill does have all the verbiage in there that I wanted to have in order for it to pass, and then I'll just have to wait, but I, I don't want it to skip out or miss anybody. 

Jess: Mm-hmm. 

Denetra: My deepest, deepest condos. This to you. Wow. Thank you for sharing that with me because I did not know that.

Jess: Thank you for inspiring me to, to be, to be brave and, you know, and, and share that. 

Denetra: Absolutely. Absolutely. And I'm hoping that it touches a whole lot of other parents as well, and, and maybe one. Of the Senate senators who have lost a child or through the process of infertility or miscarriages or stillbirth, maybe they'll get this bill, maybe they'll understand, and I'm just hoping just one person just say, yes, I understand because I've been there, I've done that, and this would be good for.

The [00:47:00] next set of parents that would have to come after us that would have to experience this. So 

Jess: thank you for this. I'm sure it's a lot of work. It was a lot of work. It was a lot of work. Changing gears now to some other aspects of your life as we come to the close of this conversation. Okay, so this was like burning question, um, throughout, um, so.

You're talking about South Carolina, growing up in South Carolina and the culture of South Carolina, and so yes, as someone I haven't, I don't think I've ever been to South Carolina. Oh 

Denetra: my God, 

Jess: I, I guess I need to go. Yeah. What's South Carolina to you? 

Denetra: Well, South Carolina is family. You have togetherness there.

Food we sell, we, we connect by food in South Carolina and we connect by cookouts and things like that. So South Carolina is family and food. Um, they have [00:48:00] the best tasting. Um, we, we are Gullah Geechee, so we're. An an origination of some of where the, some of the slaves were sold back in the days. So Gullah Gullah is, that's the language and the people of back in slavery.

Um, we spoke Gullah, um, and we are Gullah descent by our dialect, so I am black. I am black and that's it. I have no, no, um, I'm not from, uh, Bahamas or Jamaica or any other descent. I am strictly born and raised in Charleston, South Carolina. So, 

Jess: gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, 

Denetra: we, we invented a whole lot of different things like soul food.

That's where you get, that's where you hear soul food from. So South Carolina is, uh, soge soul food. You got soul food and Charleston, and you have soul food. And Savannah. So Savannah and Charleston are connected because they. They both have the areas [00:49:00] where they imported the slaves, so it's like Charleston and Savannah's connected to one another, you know?

So yeah, we, we carry much, almost the same foods. So we have a slave market downtown Charleston, that goes from, uh, one end to the next of all kind of crafts and arts and different. Types of foods and things that have been made by the locals that they go out there every day or weekends and sell. Uh, we have different restaurants down there.

You would see the horse carriages, the horse carriages rides around town given tours of all the different, many houses, the battery. Where a lot of our history and things take place at there. We have the Gullah Geechee tour, uh, which I've never been on, but I, I promised myself I'm gonna go this summer. Um, it's gonna teach us about the Gullah history and how we talk.

You know, we have a, we have a different way of talking, you know. A lot of people be like, oh, you must be from South Carolina 'cause [00:50:00] you got, you got a little, uh, thing or you from, or you sound like you're from Jamaica or, or whatever 'cause of your accent. But no, it's all Gullah. You know, we say things like, come ya or, or come from ya.

You know, we say different things that, what does that mean? Yeah. It means well come here, it means, you know, come here child. Or who child have for and be like, whose children are those? Um, you know, and we don't say fish or shrimp. We say f we say f, we say shrimp. We, you know, we say things, we eat red rice.

So red rice is a delicacy there where, um, it's just basically smoked sausage, bell pepper, onions. You know, um, I put, um, I put stew tomatoes in may and tomato paste, and it turns the rice a little red. So we call it red rice. A lot of people think we're saying red beans or rice, but we don't do red beans or rice.

Jess: Oh yeah, that's what I thought you were referring to too. But it's tomato sauce. 

Denetra: Yes. Like a tomato sauce and paste you put in it with, um, bell peppers and [00:51:00] onions and smoked sausage, and that gives it the flavor. You know, some people add shrimp in theirs. Um, but that's a, that's a delicacy in Charleston and collard green.

Macaroni and cheese. So those are our main ingredients. We do fried fish, we do fried shrimp, fried oysters. We have the best food in Charleston, so you can find breweries all over the place. Now we have the wine, um, farm there. We have the tea farm there. We have Firefly Distillery there. So we have a lot. In Charleston that is very historical, very entertaining.

There's so much to do, uh, when you go there. So, 

Jess: okay. I, I need to plan a trip to Charleston. You do. And lemme and I'm gonna ask you all the places I should be eating or going or whatever. It's very infectious. Your love for Charleston. Yeah. I'm serious. I love it. The last question I wanna ask you.

Denetra: [00:52:00] Absolutely. 

Jess: What's something that you and your husband like to do for fun? 

Denetra: Okay, well, we like to travel while we can. We, we've taken like. 10 cruises. So we love cruises. Oh wow. Oh my God. I love cruise. It's so, it's like they spoil you. You just carry your clothes and that's it. They make your bed, they fix your food.

Uh, you don't have to do anything. So we like those kind of trips. We love traveling. We love spending time with our grandkids. That's a priority for us now. It's to make sure we see them as much as we can. Pretty much. That's it. I know. I think we out. Just the simple things. We like to go out to eat and then we like to, um, just walk around certain stores and stuff.

Like, he'll go to Lowe's and I'll walk with him and I'll just be looking at stuff or, oh, so we, we've been married 28 years, so it's like we going on 29 this year, so it's like in 30 years together. So it's like. We don't do a whole lot together, but we [00:53:00] do enough to keep each other happy. 

Jess: That's what it's about, right?

That's what it's about. Lifestyle. Absolutely. 

Denetra: I'm sure we do other things. We, we watch like TV shows together like 48 hours and Uhhuh, the cooking, the cooking shows, the travel shows. I love to watch. So we watch Wicked Fish, um, when they go out and catch all the, the big fishes and stuff. And they used to do the crab legs one, but I don't know what happened to that show.

And then the one with the 18 wheeler, they drive that in snow and stuff. I forgot what the name is. So I watch all kind of show because of him, nature and things like that. Uhhuh. So. You know? Yeah. That's my, that's my boo. Yeah. I love him a lot. 

Jess: Yeah. I mean, you, you 30 years love him. So 

Denetra: Yeah, he's a great provider.

He, he makes sure that things are taken care of. He's always been a responsible man, and I've never had to ever worry a day in life about bills or all that good stuff, because he is always been a great husband and father. So [00:54:00] his dad and mom raised him right. I, I got the good one. 

Jess: Nice. I'm really grateful you came and shared your story.

Denetra: Thank you again for having me.

Jess: Thank you so much for listening and being here. You can learn more about Denetra's work at smileyconnectionsllc.org. Linked in the episode description. Consider supporting her dream on the road to healing a retreat for parents who have lost a child. You can donate through. Are the GoFundMe on her website?

This episode was produced and edited by me with advising and executive production support from Ruben Gnanaruban. I'm Jess Lin. See you soon.