Breaking the Blocks
Hi!
Thanks for stopping by! Life is tough, and I think this podcast might offer you some relief. My aim? To inspire you to overcome some of your own blocks through the inspirational, honest, and at times, downright raw conversations with some wonderful guests, not huge celebrities, regular people like you and I. Let’s see how they have overcome the difficulties in their lives and offer you some advice and more importantly hope.
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Breaking the Blocks
Embracing Transformation: Geri Berman on the Healing Stitches of Craft
Embark on a transformative exploration as Geri Berman, a dressmaker with an extraordinary talent for Sashiko, shares her journey of personal growth that transcends the fabric of her creations. With nearly half a million followers on Instagram, Geri has stitched together a narrative that's as colourful as her designs, teaching us that crafting can be a direct path to understanding and amending one's own heart. I open up about the themes of grief and self-reflection that resonate deeply with me, inviting listeners on a candid voyage through personal anecdotes and the cathartic power of a positive mindset.
As Geri and I weave through our experiences, we uncover the seismic effects of shifting perspectives. Imagine redefining mistakes as opportunities. We discuss resilience, the ability to adapt to life's unexpected turns, and how historical insights and our own life stories underscore the importance of embracing change. Our conversation is one of inspiration, spotlighting how altering your outlook can lead to a richer, more textured life.
The episode culminates in a heartfelt discussion on the strength found in sharing vulnerabilities and the importance of community support in our creative and personal endeavors. Geri's openness about facing her own dark chapters and emerging with a renewed sense of purpose is nothing short of powerful. And as your host, I extend an invitation to you, our listeners, to engage with us, participate in our creative community, and find solace and strength in the collective pursuit of crafting not just art, but a life filled with self-discovery and healing.
Sometimes it's just a change in perspective, right. Our perception of things sometimes lock us in to patterns of behavior that no longer serve us, and if you can break out of this pattern, there's a whole new world for you.
Speaker 2:Well, hello, oliver Listener. Thank you so much for coming back for another episode of Breaking the Blocks. I'm your host, rachel Payman, and today I'm talking to Jerry Berman. She is an incredible dressmaker, and so is you should see her Sashiko work. It's really quite outstanding.
Speaker 2:But also, what is outstanding is the growth in her Instagram account. She's gone from 50,000 followers from when I first met her, which is about a year and a half ago, to now nearly half a million. So, of course, we were talking about that crafting of that account. But what was interesting was I mentioned that I had seen a change in the account over the last year and a half, not just in terms of numbers but the content that she was putting out, and I said that I felt that it was becoming more about her and that she was changing as a person. Well, this, of course, led into her story, her story of how she has changed over the last year and really begun to understand herself more, and this included recovering from a very traumatic childhood, which, of course, we discussed in the podcast. So, lovely Jerry and Stitches, how are you, my dear? It's been some time since we spoke, apart from the last five minutes, of course, but we worked together when was it now.
Speaker 2:Is it a year? Ago, it's probably been a year I think yes, because I remember we were making a dress and that meant lots of reels, and I remember doing crazy things in the street to try and keep up with your incredible social media. But it's lovely to see you and I have to say, jerry, congratulations on having nearly half a million followers on Instagram.
Speaker 1:I know for sure that a year and a half ago I had 50,000. Since we're talking about crafting, I was starting to craft my social media content, especially just for Instagram. I think that's when the growth started to happen. I was very consistent with the reels. I sort of accidentally became a content creator, what you call an influencer and it came from this excitement of just wanting to share my crafting process. Yeah, it's been a surprise.
Speaker 2:I remember saying to you how did you do those transitions so well? And you were sort of teaching me things which I'd never heard of. But you do it so well and I have to say it's been really interesting to watch your growth and your development which is what we're going to talk about over the last year, because your social media has changed quite a lot. I think I mean, in the beginning you were doing lots of spinny transitions, which was very much the trend. You sort of changed it. I've noticed there's a lot more instructional videos on there now, but you've got a great color palette as well. And do you have a graphics background? Do you have anything that would help you with that? Where does it come from?
Speaker 1:I mean, a lot of it comes from instinct when you talk about graphics and how things look, and I just have an affinity to color. I think the vibrancy helps me that way. I also think color is more appealing than neutrals and black and white. In terms of making videos, I guess it comes from a theater background. I didn't study film. I have a theater and English literature degree from Brandeis University in the States, and then I also have an acting degree by Master of Fine Arts from the Yale School of Drama, so that helps with creating some kind of a presence. And yes, you are right, I kind of shifted my content to be more instructional because I feel like I want to share these neat tricks that I find along the way. Hey look, this is something really cool and you should check it out.
Speaker 2:Did you start out with the plans? Did you have a five-year plan for it? Did you just literally start posting one day? There's no five-year plan.
Speaker 1:I mean there isn't even a five-day or five-hour plan For a period of time. I was actually a slave to the algorithm and I was doing the grind for a while and it did produce results, but after a while I was like, look, it's not sustainable. Now I go by, feel really, I mean I'm trying to take back my space.
Speaker 2:You more are coming through now on your videos. The real Jerry, as I say, the talent, the fantastic soloist, the instructional person, because when you did my class for me, people loved what you did as a teacher, as an artist, so I think that's great that that's coming through. Was there anything else that triggered you to find you? Because that was a really nice statement you made there that you wanted to bring it back to you. So was there anything else apart from not being able to sustain the algorithm?
Speaker 1:I think, as crafters, when we are crafting something, it is a very direct pathway. When we connect our hands with whatever material or art form that you want to create, it connects you immediately to your heart and this is part of the joy of crafting. And I think, as crafters, when you have this awareness, then you feel that, ultimately, why do we craft? It's not just making endless products. Ultimately, we craft because it teaches us how to craft our lives. When I was doing pottery, the potters are very aware of this.
Speaker 1:As crafters, they know that their hands are shaping a pot and they're building the skills of shaping a pot. But the more you do it, the more pots you make. Ultimately, the pots will shape you. It's like you see a pot that you've made and you see a mirror of yourself, all the lines, the curves. You start to understand who you are from your craft. So this is a journey that I think all crafters. If you embrace this awareness, it can really teach you how to live and I think it's a unique privilege that crafters have in their hands. There's a lot of joy in my content, but I am no longer afraid of the less joyful place that I can go to. Also, I will do it with the flow that I feel for whatever's happening in my life right now.
Speaker 2:And I was going to say look what's happened, jerry, you've been true to yourself, you're revealing the real self, you're not chasing it, and so it's just coming. It's like do you know? Somebody once said to me this is completely unrelated to craft. They were relating it to love.
Speaker 2:If you love someone, imagine it's some sand and you have it in your hand. If you just have your hand nice and relaxed, the sand will sit there. But if you try and grasp onto that sand, it will just go through your fingers, and I loved that. The more tighter you hold onto something, the more it's just going to go away from you. It's like they say if you love someone, set them free. So I think it's the same with you, that you stop chasing that huge amount of people and, yeah, guess what? They've all come to you anyway. If you just keep focusing on yourself, then people will follow you. So let's talk about that growth then, and the real you that's coming through. You said something a little while ago about not always being joyful and showing that somehow on Instagram. So what does that mean for you?
Speaker 1:I'm sort of like mellowing out. I guess I also want to encourage people to keep crafting, even if they fear failure. But like, fear is a block, right? If you're talking about block as an obstacle, it can be a driving force, but it can also be a block. How do we deal with this? For me, I'm thinking look, it's just fabric and maybe hours of your time and efforts. But when you put it in perspective, it's just fabric, right, and even if you fail, you are always learning something from it, right?
Speaker 2:Yes yes. Which is like life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, cause you definitely learn more from failure than from success. I get a lot of comments on my social media. It's like oh, I'm so afraid to start sewing. I have this sewing machine and it's sitting in my room for one year, you know, and I wanna be able to reach out to people who feel this way of taking that first step. To take the first step, and sometimes it feels very overwhelming. Right when you wanna start a project, you think, oh, my God, I have to do this, this, this, this, this, and actually no, in the next five minutes you only need to do this. So if we break it down into chunks, then it's much easier, and every day I wake up, I am always practicing jumping into something new, and when you practice this, it's much easier to face this fear.
Speaker 2:I think fear is one of the biggest reasons that we actually fail, you know, because we're fighting to death to do something. But I think also I loved what you said there that actually you learn through mistakes. So what a great attitude to have of. Well, I'm a little bit frightened, but I'm gonna do it anyway and if it does go wrong, I'm gonna learn. So where is the negative? There isn't a negative when you're thinking about it.
Speaker 1:failure is actually crafting us all the time. The title of your podcast was very was a drew me to doing this podcast because when you said break into the blocks yeah, so block, for so is, can mean an obstacle. How do you break this obstacle? Right, that's preventing you from doing whatever you want to do.
Speaker 1:And the other meaning for block is for somebody who sews. We are always working with patterns, with like a bodice block. That meaning of the word see has potential, right, Cause the block is like the rules of the game, cause I'm not gonna start with a bodice block that fits you, rachel, right, and you're not gonna work with a bodice block that fits me. And the set of rules is actually exciting, right, the block is a set of rules. And then breaking the block is about how you can move those lines in the block to create other fantastic things, and it's infinite ways of doing it. Right? Sometimes, breaking the block, breaking the obstacle, is changing the mindset from whatever you see as the obstacle. How can you change your perspective so that it becomes the block or the new rules of engagement, right, and so I think it's sort of like dividing the population into optimists or pessimists. Okay, you know the glass half-fielder.
Speaker 2:I was just about to say, the glass half-empty. And you know, for years, jerry, for years I was 100% the glass is half-empty. In fact, the glass is just about empty. I was like that for so many years. It's only in the last sort of year or so that I've really changed my attitude and I have noticed my life is changing in ways that I never thought it could.
Speaker 1:Right, in people that I'm meeting and things that are happening, the change becomes seismic, when you move the lens so that you take in the world from a wider perspective. A lot of the time, this is what we are as humans. I think, when learning how to live like learning how to craft our lives, this is one of the essences of how to craft. Sometimes it's just a change in perspective. Our perception of things sometimes lock us in to patterns of behavior that no longer serve us, and if you can break out of this pattern, there's a whole new world for you. In our craft, we see this every day when we're trying to make a quilt or make a dress.
Speaker 1:You know mistakes always happen. I have to take out the seam ripper and rip this. You know the task feels much easier when you're not locked into. It's an obstacle. How are you gonna get through the hours of seam ripping? You're gonna make yourself miserable or you're gonna make yourself sort of enjoy it. And that makes the difference. And I think that shows through in whatever you create, because I think whatever we create, they kind of exude the mindset of the creator.
Speaker 2:You know you absolutely come through your work because, as you said, first of all there's the color, so there's always flashes of color, there's always fantastic fabrics and there's a lot of movement in your things that you create for yourself, you know, like your trousers and your jackets and your blouses, with all the kind of ruffles, and there's so much movement and so much fluidity, and that is absolutely what you've just been talking about. It's about getting into that fluid mindset, into that feeling.
Speaker 1:Now, I love the word that you use fluidity. We kind of have to be fluid right as we are crafting. The block might seem like you know the word sounds like block, you know. And then you have to decide what kind of crafter you wanna be. You wanna be the block or the block you know yes. I like it.
Speaker 2:I like it. This is maybe a weird thing to say, but if you imagine a block, let's say it's. You know, imagine it's a blemange that you've got to fight your way through. If you just keep avoiding that blemange, it's gonna be like the block from years ago. It's just gonna follow you around and you're always gonna be faced with it and you're gonna be like, oh, oh, it's there again. Oh, it's there again. And that's a horrible feeling. But if you were to try and make your way through that blemange, yes, it's gonna be sticky and it's gonna be hard at times and you're not gonna be able to see where you're going, but at least you are moving, at least you're facing that challenge, at least you're trying, and that's what life is about. It's a very difficult process to go through, but you have to keep fighting because, as we have seen, when it's over, it's over. So, while you're here, you have to make the best of every opportunity you have and you have to keep fighting through that struggle.
Speaker 1:There was this teacher of mine at Yale School of Drama. This is Wesley Fata, and he will stay with me forever. Champions adjust. It's so simple. But look, you can live with this motto champions adjust. You have to keep adjusting, because it's an illusion that you will always be in control of external forces that are coming at you and sometimes you don't have control of this. It's challenging. You don't have control of it, but you can control how you navigate it. If you stay stuck and I have to control it then you're stuck.
Speaker 2:You're going to lose.
Speaker 1:You have to find fluidity, flexibility and you have to be in an adjusting mode all the time. You just have to take it as it comes, because it's a rule of life.
Speaker 2:I love that. Champions adjust. That is brilliant. Human beings adjust. We adjust all the time.
Speaker 2:I saw something today. Actually, on the old Instagram I follow a guy who talks about the Stoics. The little film was talking about all the challenges that Marcus really has faced. He was going through wars, he was going through death, he was going through grief and loss and people backstabbing him and anger and betrayal, but he could have given up, but he didn't. He just got back on his horse and he rode through it and he felt everything and he changed his mindset. This stuff kept happening, but he changed his mindset. How do we do it, jerry?
Speaker 2:Some people might be listening now and going well, look at her. She's got half a million viewers, she's full of joy, she's a brilliant soloist, of course. She's got everything and she's happy. You have been through a painful experience. You've lost a parent. That's something that's very difficult to deal with. Another thing we should say is that you are living in Tel Aviv at the moment, and this is not a political broadcast or a political forum, but obviously living in a place where there are issues now war issues is very difficult. We're not talking about which side of the fence anybody's on. You live there for many, many, many years and you've moved there because you fell in love with someone and that's where they lived. But how has that affected you? Because grief and war, I mean, my goodness me there's two huge factors in your life right now.
Speaker 1:Grief is a very sticky thing when you're working through it. I think there shouldn't be shame when the grief gives you hints of joy and happiness. I think some people get stuck in grief because they're unwilling to transform that into whatever it could be.
Speaker 1:also, it hasn't been an easy year because I lost my mom in June and we got a diagnosis of her cancer last December actually, and when I heard the diagnosis from the doctors I immediately understood what it meant. I knew that she was coming towards the end of her life and I think I started grieving last December. I have a very complicated relationship with my mom but, for example, my struggle with my mom was that she almost for the whole time since December till June when she passed away, was that she was in a lot of denial, like pushing it away. Right, and of course it's easier for me to come to a place of acceptance because it wasn't happening to me.
Speaker 1:But I think she made it very difficult for herself during this period of time and for me it was a lesson in letting go right, not just releasing her, but releasing her to her choices, because whatever she was doing may not be what I would do if I came to the end of my life. I mean, hypothetically speaking, I wouldn't even know because it hasn't happened to me yet, but I had to be okay. I had to be okay with whatever she was choosing, even though I was standing on the side and seeing that she was miserable and the helplessness of not being able to get her out of the misery. Right, I had to release that. Okay, so that whole again. I feel that is being fluid. Instead of insisting, it has to be like this, like who am I to say when you come to the end of your?
Speaker 2:life it has to be like this.
Speaker 1:As her daughter, I had to say to her look, mom, there's a different point of view. I'll just say it once If you accept or you don't accept, it's fine. But as your daughter, I need to say you know, maybe do this and then, sort of like, just release it. It's about releasing the narratives of what other people think you are. They want to block you in and you come to a point where, like, no matter what I say, no matter what I do, you will always feel this about me. So there's nothing I can, I cannot control. I cannot control what you think or what you will say about me. You know, and it's releasing this, yes, it's releasing this fantasy of what the relationship could have been right, because we have this desire oh, I wish it could have been like this and a lot of the grief has to do with releasing that right, letting it just being OK with whatever you have. I feel this is part of learning how to craft your life.
Speaker 2:I think it's really important to do that in all of your relationships, because I think we have an idea of what we want from relationships and so we try and mold them, we try and make them into something. As you say, we live in fantasies sometimes and, sadly, sometimes you have to look at the reality and go no, this is not the truth and you are not my person, you are not my people and there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with that. You are happy where you are, I'm happy where I am, but we just have to let go because this is not what.
Speaker 2:And sometimes you can come back round if you both work on yourselves. But yeah, you have to that you can't force things. It goes back to the control. It goes back to champions adjusting, yeah, goes back to us adjusting.
Speaker 1:When we redraw our boundaries, there will always come with it this grief of losing the people that were supporting your past patterns that are not relevant in your life anymore.
Speaker 2:And past versions of yourself. Yeah, yeah, because I think that we all have versions of ourselves. I was a mess in my teens. I do. You know something, jerry? I think up until the last year I was not the right version of myself. I'm only now finding myself. I mean, I didn't go to a drama school reunion recently because I thought I can't walk in that room because they'll go oh, it's her Peerman Because I was such an idiot at drama school. I was so obnoxious.
Speaker 2:You've heard the phrase you've got a chip on your shoulder. Yeah, you heard that phrase. Yes, well, I didn't, jerry. I had a fish and chip shop on my shoulders because inside I was this very vulnerable person. So I built this massive, gigantic wall around me so no one could get to me. And I was going to ask you as a creative person, jerry, about vulnerability because you are putting yourself out there. I mean, as we know, in the world of social media it can be unpleasant, but also you're putting your work out there. I'm sure that you've probably had comments where someone has come along and said, oh, I really didn't like that color you chose for those trousers, or something like that.
Speaker 1:How do you deal with that? Ok, like 95% of the comments are very positive and they are supportive. The worst comment that I ever had was anorexia is not fashion. I thought that was very mean, not to me. I thought that was very mean to people who have a problem. Yes, a new problem like anorexia right, I felt bad, but not for me.
Speaker 2:For them, for that person who wrote that.
Speaker 1:Right. So how do I deal with this? The thing is, I block and delete. That's what I do. I think if I were like 18 years old and not understanding how to navigate the world still emotionally then it would really be problematic, right, a huge blow to the self-esteem. Just don't give them weight. Yes, you sort of have to laugh it off. Most often, the self-talk is very important and we're not aware what the self-talk is, and I think the self-talk is a block. Right, it can be a block. A lot of people are not aware that this is the thing that is creating all the external problems that they are facing, right, yeah, so if you are self-stories, if you're able to break this block of self-talk that could be negative, then you can do many, many things, right, yeah?
Speaker 2:So what many things are you going to do then, Jerry? What could we expect from the next version, Mark, the 26th version of Jerry?
Speaker 1:I don't really know, because I kind of dabbled in the being a content creator and I think I will continue, but it has to be on my terms, in the last few months I've been less productive. If you see my social media content I'm not churning out all these videos Mainly because I feel sort of this metaphor of I kind of had to go back into the cocoon. I kind of I had to allow myself to first grieve. I really had to embrace the loss or to understand what it is. It was a big one.
Speaker 1:My mom's death triggered off a lot of repressed memories of child abuse when I was younger. So I had to work through that. Okay, so I'm a survivor of child abuse and it took me a while before I could come to terms with that Right, and there was a lot of like anger and resentment and not understanding why there was anger and resentment. And this coming back of memories like freed me, like now I understand and now I'm okay, and now I am okay releasing my mom. But my perspective of it is no longer locked in anger and resentment, the one you think that my mom is a horrible person. She was not a horrible person. I think she was doing the best that she could and she brought in a toxic boyfriend and he was the cause of the child abuse and there was a lot of anger and resentment that she didn't do enough to protect me. With her passing, I kind of freed myself from this gridlock of being oppressed, of being a victim that description of myself I'm throwing it into the sea. It doesn't help. You know this line that you said hurt people, hurt people. Now, I was hurt, but I don't want to be in the category of hurting people, right, and you kind of have to make a decision to stop this cycle. You have to make the decision to come out of this block. I was oppressed, so now I have to be an oppressor. It doesn't work this way. I prefer other definitions. For me, this whole year has been going back into the cocoon and, to answer your question, I don't know how this butterfly will emerge and it might be a very slow process. I'm allowing myself the time to process all of this and this has been a seismic change for me. Even though the child abuse ended, it didn't really end. The shadow of it followed me, living under terror. I didn't realize how much that terror followed me throughout my adult years and that even after the terrorizer left I was terrorized. That is just being stuck in a pattern that I was used to.
Speaker 1:We've been talking a lot about me being a content creator and I sort of dabbled in that and I have a taste of it and I sort of know I want to be a content creator. But that is a secondary thing. The primary thing is that the craft of making clothes and I know this now Before I was sort of in the fog. I wasn't sure should I just be a content creator? It was important for me to say no to many things. I have many offers. I'm not your influencer, so can you please promote this product and you will get in exchange and many of these products. I'm just like I'm never going to use these products. I don't want to be that kind of content creator. Did I just throw like a huge bomb?
Speaker 2:Well, no, I'm trying to just kind of like process all that information now. I mean, once again, you're just like me, just kind of putting it all out there. I mean it's very honest of you Certainly fear confusion. As I said, building a huge wall around myself so no one could ever hurt me again has followed me around, but then realizing I just was then lonely In order to move forward, it's that a blamange. You cannot run away from that stuff because it will come back and find you and it will find you stronger.
Speaker 2:And I do believe the universe is teaching us. I think it sends us people and experiences to help us to learn and if we don't learn, those experiences, excuse me, will get worse and worse until the universe goes right. We're ready for the big one, boys, now Come on, send it in. This is going to break her down. You have to go through those learning experiences. You have to feel everything, don't you, and work through those things in order to heal and, as you say, not become a hurt person who hurts people. Do you do the work every day on yourself, jerry Well?
Speaker 1:it's years of therapy right.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:That worked. There's years of therapy and this self-reflection, and I think when you are a crafter, you have the gateway to this self-reflection because you are spending hours right, you're spending hours with yourself working on something. It's a meditative process and when you go into the meditative process, there's room to heal. You can see yourself in different shades and colors and angles and you understand the potential for growth. That's why we craft Now, ultimately, we're trying to craft how to live better as better human beings. Right, I mean, it wasn't helpful for me when I was stuck in the victim mode. The victim mode is never helpful. Of course, there are moments where you are the victim and then you can't. But you can't stay stuck there. You somehow need to survive it and beyond surviving, you need to thrive also.
Speaker 1:Yes, you have to thrive, even when this abuse was happening to me as a child. When I remember back, I never defined myself as a victim. I was always trying to move out of that situation right However I could. As an eight-year-old, 10-year-old, 11 and 12-year-old, I had strategies right. One big strategy was stay in school longer. But when I was at school I wasn't moping and groping, I was already a little actress doing my thing, did you feel, jerry?
Speaker 2:because I went to drama school. I went to the Bristol Orvic Theatre School. I was going to have an Oscar and five homes and you're never going to have children. Because they were just going to slow me down. I was going to have my yacht, but I seriously was. I was going to be a movie star here. I am completely separated from that world and totally and utterly, 100% happy that I am separated from that world, because I don't think that was ever what I wanted. I think what I wanted was attention, I wanted validation and I thought that doing all of that would give me that healing. I didn't know any of this until probably a year ago, so it's really interesting that you went down that performing route as well, do you?
Speaker 1:think it was connected. I think it's all connected. I mean, I really loved watching movies and I loved the craft of acting, but I think it offered some kind of I won't say escape, but like an outlet in the home. I felt like emotionally, like I couldn't fully express myself. You know, I had all these gut feelings about the threat and the danger and I was constantly told your instincts are not correct. In some ways there was all this gaslighting.
Speaker 1:For me, the theater is loud, a space for honesty and truth. It's funny because you're pretending but you are getting to an emotional truth which I felt was not available to me in the home. In a certain sense, I was made to love my abuser. You talked about confusion. You know there was this confusion Going through something, my gut feelings telling me something and then the outside world telling me something else. So this dissonance I sort of was able to not live. That all the time when I was in the theater could simply be myself. That was something that was healing to me, one of the strategies not just stay in school, but stay in school and do theater.
Speaker 2:But I do wonder now hearing your backstory, your early days of social media, when you were twirling and dancing, and now I'm wondering if there's something childlike about that. I'm wondering if you were almost subconsciously recreating this joyful childlike experience that perhaps you didn't have, potentially a link.
Speaker 1:And it could be. I mean, sometimes I don't know anything about myself until I look at it on hindsight. Right, a lot of it happens this way and I think there's a reason why these repressed memories came up now. It's because I could deal with them now. I don't think I was able to deal with them a minute before they arose, so they came as a gift and also at the right time, at a time where I don't look at them in a bitter way. When the repressed memories came out, I looked at them and I was like, look, it's a freaking miracle that I, after experiencing what I experienced as a child, I was able to find a man that I love and I'm building a family with him, and it's all very positive relationships.
Speaker 1:Right To come out of something negative and to desire something else, to be able to recognize. I mean, as a child I didn't have the vocabulary even to say look, this is toxic. You cannot express these things and, as you said, there's a lot of confusion because the damage is being done by somebody you love. So you're always in this space where you sort of can't get out of, you're stuck in something. I no longer have any bad feeling towards this man. I've released him. Like why do I want the memory of him to haunt me?
Speaker 1:The thing that was still stuck for me was the disappointment with regards to my mom. She made certain choices and I became collateral damage. So that was something that I was struggling with and, to tell you the truth, I didn't even know I was struggling with this. It happened on a subconscious level. So I would be relating with her in anger and resentment, not knowing why I was angry and resentful, and then that would create guilt and shame. And I was in this cycle anger, guilt, shame, anger, guilt, shame and it was like some kind of matrix that I couldn't get out of.
Speaker 1:Being able to get out of this is huge. This has all to do with this whole grieving process, this loss. It's not just the loss of my mom. But now I understood. I lost some part of my childhood. I've lost people who they can come to terms with my narrative of what happened. They cannot fathom that my mom had this side of her. But you see, I'm not ashamed anymore. I talk about it because I feel also this helps people heal. I was made to feel ashamed about this and I no longer want to be in this shame, guilt, fear cycle. I don't know if you're sensing, if there's any bitterness or anything. I really feel like I've released it. I'm not talking about it as if like to punish my dead mom.
Speaker 2:I know a lot of people will perceive it this way.
Speaker 1:Right, but the fact is I saw all of my mom in all her sides. She revealed herself to me because I was a child and I saw all these facets of her and still I loved her. Not just the angelic side of her and she has an angelic side there was also a side of her that she didn't know what to do as a single mother and some of her choices were not good ones and she didn't know how to handle this. She was also looking for love right and found them in terrible places. I don't hate her. This was released.
Speaker 1:I see now and I also understand now part of her denial of things when she was passing right. I understood now it's like a whole year of breaking many blocks, as in obstacles, and breaking mindset, a certain way of thinking or a certain way of being, and I have a feeling there might be more of this and, of course, as we're living our lives, we're always breaking these blocks. A lot of it starts from us, but it's very easy when something bad happens that we turn the blame outward. We first need to see did I contribute something to this? And in some ways, it's a very difficult question for people to ask.
Speaker 2:There's a lot there. There's a lot there, jerry, to process, but the fantastic thing is that you are processing it and you're growing. And the reason that you are processing and growing and releasing all of this is because you are feeling it, you're learning, you're willing to break the blocks, you're willing to go there, to go to those places, to go to those dark places, and that is the only way you can break the blocks. It's so important that we keep striving, keep making ourselves work through these issues.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think almost at every point we need to see oh, did I create this block myself?
Speaker 2:Yes, did I create this obstacle?
Speaker 1:Is it coming from outside or from within? And if it's coming from within, am I willing to change a certain pattern? And it's all trial and error, right?
Speaker 2:You kind of have to figure it out as you go along, but I think in adult relationships, if you're in a relationship with someone and it's toxic, you're both putting into the pot there, because even if one person is the person who, for example, is gaslighting, you are still accepting that behavior until you've changed that situation. And that's what I felt with my relationships. When I've walked away from relationships, I always sit there and ask myself well, did I allow that to happen? Yes, I did so. I had my role to play in it too, and I fed that person. I fed that person by allowing them to do that to me. So, yes, it's really important to accept the role that you've played in things as well.
Speaker 1:For sure. Yeah, it's like the block of oppressed or oppressor right.
Speaker 2:And you stay locked in that.
Speaker 1:And it needs a different definition. It's not just one or the other.
Speaker 2:Remove yourself from the situation and then work on yourself, understand why you accepted that treatment I'm not about you and a child, but as an adult why you accepted that treatment or why you put yourself in that position.
Speaker 1:Right, and that is the learning moment.
Speaker 2:That's the learning moment.
Speaker 1:If we are willing for change and growth to happen.
Speaker 2:Yes, and if you're not going to do any of that, I can guarantee there will be no growth and no change and it will all happen again, but with somebody else. Yes, you know, you're just going to sit there and be stuck. One of my final questions was going to be to you, jerry, is what has creativity done for you? But I think we know.
Speaker 1:Again, I want to say that this is not just me. I think everybody has this potential and it's like you kind of need to tap into this potential. When you are a creator, you are always looking towards the light. It just makes you more optimistic, unless you've decided that you are going to create destruction. Ok, I mean, you can be very creative in that direction. Also, it's answering the question of what kind of creator you want to be, and I think we wake up in the morning and this is a question that all creators should be asking themselves what kind and how you do. It is important.
Speaker 1:Creating content, creating clothes, helped me get through really tough times. Ok, it has given me focus. It's reminding me that there is always a higher power and that higher power is part of you. So when you are being creative, you're tapping into that higher power, and a lot of people will describe this higher power as a god or whatever it is universe. It's a very personal thing and whatever you describe it to be being creativity, I think, is a direct pathway to this, and this higher power, when you invite it, will enrich your life and it will help you through not so easy times, and this is a given as a human condition, and so, yeah, don't?
Speaker 2:I love this question yes, you did. I think the main word you said there was to invite it in, jerry. Yeah, invite in that creativity, invite in that higher power, invite in the universe. Just put it out there, come on, bring it to me. I am ready, I'm ready to create, I'm ready to create my life, ready to be, I'm ready to live.
Speaker 1:Right and also beware of what you ask for, Because it might come and hit you In ways you don't imagine right, In ways you think it will come one way, but it comes in another way, but everything's a lesson, everything's a lesson, so just take the lesson.
Speaker 1:With hindsight all your experiences you can see they are all gifts. Ok, but when you're in it, in the moment, you are like it could be hell. Stop talking to me about being optimistic. Right, this is not a gift, this is hell. It feels shitty, but you know, the faster that you can switch this mindset, then the easier it becomes, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and try and laugh about it. Try and laugh about it. Get it out there. Live, be free, and let go, and let go, jerry.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Let go, would that be your motto?
Speaker 1:It's all about letting go, because in the end, when we pass on, it's about letting go. It really. I think that's one of the big things in life, right? Yeah, learn how to let it go, and I'm not saying let it go and give up. It's very different, right.
Speaker 2:Yes, very different. It's been amazing. It's been amazing to talk to you and to get to really get to know you quite a bit more as well, because I knew bits of you and I knew that I liked working with you. But it's amazing, we have had very similar lives. Yeah, well, yeah, and I'm both learning to let go at the same time. So it's been wonderful, jerry, thank you so much.
Speaker 2:I really do appreciate your honesty, your candor, your vulnerability and that's just one final thing to say is that some people see vulnerability as a real weakness. You know, oh, she's always oh, she tells everybody her feelings. She's so vulnerable, she lets anybody in. She lets anybody in. Now, I think vulnerability is a strength, it's an absolute strength. If you can be vulnerable about yourself, if you can be vulnerable with people, if you can be real and genuine and open your heart and open your life to life, that is strength. Yeah, I was going to say my dear At the end. That is strength, and you've got strength in buckets. So thank you for sharing some of your bucket loads of strength with us today, jerry.
Speaker 1:Thank you, thanks for inviting me. It's been fun, and we should just talk like this, not on a part.
Speaker 2:I agree. Let's have a therapy session once a week, each of us together. I love it, thank you, thank you. Thank you so much for tuning in today. I really do appreciate it. And if you'd like to be involved with the show in any capacity, all you have to do is drop me an email, hello, at breakingtheblockscom. And, of course, if you'd like to follow a creative pursuit, if you'd like to learn some of the skills that our guests are talking about, you can in our Zoom classes over on craftymunkeyscom the details are on the screen right now or, of course, in the biog underneath.
