Breaking the Blocks
Hi!
Thanks for stopping by! Life is tough, and I think this podcast might offer you some relief. My aim? To inspire you to overcome some of your own blocks through the inspirational, honest, and at times, downright raw conversations with some wonderful guests, not huge celebrities, regular people like you and I. Let’s see how they have overcome the difficulties in their lives and offer you some advice and more importantly hope.
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Breaking the Blocks
Crafting Resilience: Mathew Boudreaux’s Journey of Self-Acceptance and Creative Defiance
When the weight of the world seems to press upon our shoulders, where do we find the strength to rise above? This episode, featuring Mathew Boudreaux’s (known on Instagram as @mxdomestic) raw and poignant tale of confronting their own mental health struggles, past traumas, and the expansive journey towards self-acceptance on the autism spectrum, offers a glimpse into such resilience. Mathews narrative, intertwined with light-hearted moments of beauty and self-expression, paints a multifaceted picture of vulnerability and the indomitable human spirit.
Imagine a world where your craft speaks volumes, not only through the stitches you create but through the identity you embody. As a non-binary, autism spectrum quilter Mathew in this episode peels back the layers of personal growth and recounts the polarity of newfound fame against the sharpness of online hostility and the ache of family estrangement. It's a testament to the transformative power of aligning one's work with deeply held values, even in the face of resistance.
Join us on this journey of discovery and authenticity as we stitch together a narrative of creative fulfillment and self-love that defies societal expectations. We muse over the joy found in grounding moments, the strength in setting boundaries, and the importance of not losing oneself to commercialization. As we weave through these stories, we celebrate the individuals who have chosen the path of authenticity, crafting not just art, but lives infused with intention and truth. This episode is an ode to those who dare to redefine joy and self-worth on their own terms.
Well, hello, lovely listener, and welcome back to another episode of Breaking the Blocks. I'm your host, rachel Pierman. When I started this account, breaking the Blocks, I was hoping that my guests would be vulnerable enough and open enough to talk about the troubles that they had experienced, the difficulties in their lives, in order to perhaps inspire you or help you in anything that you're facing at the moment. I could not have imagined the level of honesty and vulnerability that I have received from so many of my incredible guests that I've talked to to date. Matthew was no exception. If you followed Matthew on Instagram during 2020, 21, 2, you would have seen Matthew having an awful time. A breakdown, a complete mental breakdown.
Speaker 1:In this interview, we discuss why that was the case, what happened and what triggered those events. Now, I have to warn you that this interview could be quite triggering for some, because Matthew talks about sexual abuse, childhood abuse, suicide and, as I've mentioned, is very open about these subjects. I'm hoping that from this interview, you will witness the strength and courage of a person able to overcome those challenges, perhaps find something to hang on to for yourself if you are facing any of these difficulties or you know anybody who is, but I want you to know that there is hope and if you are being authentic to yourself, as Matthew has, and you have put yourself out there in a genuine way, in a way that you want to be represented, that you want to be seen, that you are, it's amazing how the right people will find you, and that's what's happening to Matthew. Thankfully, this story has a very different ending than what it could have done, so I hope you'll sit back, be inspired by it and perhaps take something on board if you're suffering any of the difficulties Matthew went through.
Speaker 1:Okay, here we are. I just said to Matthew I don't know what we're going to talk about, matthew, so we'll just see how it goes and we'll just chat, shall we? It's going to be amazing, it is. We've already had a crazy few moments screaming into the microphone and then comparing our eyelashes. I have to say your eyelashes look fabulous.
Speaker 2:Fabulous darling. Thank you, I got them done. I learned about the lift and tint last year and they wouldn't put um extensions on and it just perms it and I have 10 millimeter eyelashes. They, they measured it. So, yeah, how big are you? 10 millimeters? Yeah, yeah, my lashes, that is.
Speaker 1:I love them. Have I just seen a flash of nails as well? Can I see the? Nails oh nice.
Speaker 2:I'm going through my neutral phase. My assistant has been waiting for the neutral phase because, while she appreciated my rainbow unicorn phase and it was it was right for the moment of going through a mental breakdown and entertaining the world during a pandemic um, she was ready for my more authentic face and she knew that. And so, like I'm, this is my joanne phase. If anyone follows lady gaga, she's like, yeah, do the neutrals turn it, just be yourself. And I'm like all right, yeah, I do like neutrals I like it.
Speaker 1:Does she do ever really neutral though, lady gaga? No, she's always fabulous. She's always fabulous. Well, you know me and you and lady gaga, we've got, we've got it all going on, haven't we Clearly?
Speaker 1:Anyway, I don't know where this is going to go. Well, you know, Matthew. Okay, in all seriousness, so you've agreed to come on this podcast because you were doing a lovely piece. I say lovely because I just love what you do and you were doing this piece about. These are my nails and if I want to wear this nail varnish, I'm going to this nail varnish. I said, come on the podcast and tell the world about your nails. And then it got loads of likes. And then you messaged me and said how to make this work. And here we are, making it work that part, all of it.
Speaker 2:So this is a podcast about nails, in case y'all didn't know this is about nails.
Speaker 1:It's a beauty podcast breaking the blocks skincare.
Speaker 2:And yeah, I'm in my mid-40s. I'm assuming you're younger than me, but yeah, I'm 54, I'm 54 I love this for us. Look at us, yes, yes, and still fabulous.
Speaker 1:You wouldn't know well, thank you dear, but as I said, it will be filtered, so I will look under 50. I like a nice filter on a photograph, but why not? So listen, matthew, in all seriousness, you just mentioned there about your.
Speaker 2:What did you just phrase it as your kind of more rainbow colorful yeah, my rainbow colorful era where I was, um, still the uber queer mascot for people who didn't really care about me and I I tried everything I could to please them, not realizing they just wanted this compartmentalized talent aspect. And so, yeah, it was like a survival thing from some trauma. It's like if I can make everyone laugh and be like rah rah, then I'll be safe. And just my brain broke and I wasn't safe and I was like, oh yeah, that didn't protect me from anything, it caused me more harm.
Speaker 2:And so I've just broken it all down to like I'm showing up authentic myself. I'm learning more about myself, not needing to mask, learn that I'm on the autism spectrum. I'm like, oh my God, my whole life makes sense. That's why I've been doing all of this that way, and it's such a neat little gift that I've given me and my family and those close to me to discover myself authentically and to show up that way. So, yeah, no one's going to tell me what I can and cannot do. Like, focus on yourself, folks.
Speaker 1:But I think you said something really important there, because you said you've discovered yourself, but you're also showing up as yourself, and that's the key, because a lot of people might know themselves but are afraid to show themselves, and then others don't know themselves and, as you said, then you put on this kind of outer mask, but when? But the mask always slips and always falls away and then, yeah, I mean I.
Speaker 1:I first came across you, I have to say, um, it was the beginning of covid times and I remember you used a black pink track, how you like that oh yeah, black pink's my ultimate. Absolutely yeah, I'll go on solo this year super excited and I, well, well, I've got an 18 year old daughter who was hugely into black pink at that time. Then she went into um bts. Who knows where she is well I know where she is.
Speaker 1:She's still in the house. I don't know where she is. She left some time ago, um, no, so but she and I showed her your because she was like what is this quilting thing that you're doing, mother? Because you know, Matthew, I'm not a quilter. And then I said, look, it can be really cool. Maddie, she loved you. She was like the fact is using black pink. This is enough for me. So I was really interested by you and I thought that what you were doing, your content, was amazing and I really aspired to be able to create what you were creating. I was like how is he doing this? But then I did continue to follow you and then I started to see the breakdown of that persona. So I was there with you the whole way.
Speaker 2:Thank you for staying.
Speaker 1:And I have to say that I am loving seeing you now, which is why I said come on this podcast, because I think you've broken so many blocks and I think it's amazing what you've achieved. So I don't know where to start with this podcast interview with you, Matthew, because normally there's kind of like one thing that a guest wants to talk about, but with you I've gone through your history, I know so much about you.
Speaker 2:It's been an adventure. I mean really the beginning before you showed up to my journey. Just the context of all of it is that it was in 2016. I was just looking for a place to put my sewing stuff. I was making clothes for my daughter, Helena, and I didn't want to put them on my personal Facebook, so I put them on Instagram and I started to grow really fast because I pushed myself and I was inspired by my daughter in a way that I'd never been inspired creatively before and I felt like I was finding and building a community. And the quilting community latched onto me early and I discovered that you could get free stuff on the internet. So I was like, oh, let me try and get my hobby paid for. And so I started like really next leveling. I have a master's in business, one in communication too and so I was like I understand how to network, I understand how to build a brand, let me see what I can do with this. It's growing, so I just kept making next level projects.
Speaker 2:I don't even really consider myself a quilter, which is wild that I was latched onto so quickly by quilters. Now I understand the why behind it, but since I was trying to get my stuff paid for. I was reaching out to so many brands and doing brand deals and people liked my energy. I've always been authentic. But then all of that attention had me go in this one direction Because I didn't understand the level of attention I was getting. I've never been cool or popular or any of that. I've always been a weirdo outsider and I was getting asked to do things that didn't make sense to me. But as a queer human, I was like we don't get a lot of opportunities either. Let me take them.
Speaker 2:And one was I was asked to present at my local quilt guild early in my career, like as a thought lead. I'm like I don't really quilt but okay, sure. And then I headlined a quilt show in my area. Like I was the headlining quilter, I didn't even have enough quilts to show and I was like, reallyter, I didn't even have enough quilts to show and I was like, really, sure, I'd never been to a quilt show, had no idea.
Speaker 2:And so I was getting a lot of attention fast, for whatever reason, whether it's because I'm male presenting, because I do identify as non-binary my pronouns are they, them but I'm super handsome so I can't help it Like if people like, and so there was a lot of hate that I was getting that I wasn't aware of because I have a daytime job too, so it's like I don't have time to gossip or like, do any of that, and like I just don't think that way. I was just doing my thing. And so, as I was building this brand and trying to figure out why people liked me so much, I assumed it was because I was bringing joy and I was positive and like I didn't do drama, and so I really leaned into that. And that's when the character of Mr Domestic when it was Mr Domestic evolved and I just kept going that way, cause I, I am my. I didn't know people were saying the same thing, but I didn't understand why I was getting the attention and I was like, well, it can't be my talent, because I'm so new, it must be because of my personality and these other things. Let me really lean into that as a brand.
Speaker 2:And then I started being more visible and I was like super outspoken about being queer and I started getting a lot of pride stuff and everybody wanted to exploit me for pride stuff and I just went with it and as someone on the autism spectrum with a lot of trauma. I said yes to every opportunity, not thinking about it, and as my mental health started to deteriorate, I just was overburdened, and at that time I haven't really talked about this with many people publicly. My parents disowned me. That was in 2020. My best friend left me. She didn't like how I was suddenly standing up for social and racial injustice. My stepdad didn't like that. I was finally stepping up to him with the abuse that he caused me and my sister and I didn't want my daughter to be around it, and so my personal life was falling apart.
Speaker 2:As this other thing was growing, which was the Mr Domestic component and that's when you joined was the pandemic, it the, the upswing.
Speaker 2:I was big and quilting even still I mean I do all of the crafts and polycraft craft jewel but I was big, I was everywhere suddenly and as I got my new assistant cause my best friend was my assistant.
Speaker 2:She helped me get from underneath all of these obligations and I started to see what had actually happened and what was going on and who I was actually entertaining and who I was focused on and how discordant it was from my own values that I started to shift as I would stand up for things, I would get a bunch of hate that I didn't anticipate, because the way my brain works, it's like oh, it's yeah right, I need to say something about Black Lives Matter. I need to say something about queer people I need to say something about I need to use my platform. The hate the worst was whenever I stood up for myself for actual harm that was being caused to me, and then those quilters that were like-minded to me really, really pummeled me, and that's one of the things that broke my brain, and you were probably there for that too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I do not understand this hate thing. I don't understand.
Speaker 1:I have never and will never comment on anything that I don't like and I never feel that hatred for anything. It's like if I don't like something I'll unfollow, you know, or I'll just ignore, I will watch it. If somebody recommends a TV series and I watch the first episode, if I find it offensive or I don't enjoy it, I simply don't watch it. And then, and if my friend says to me did you watch that drama? I'll go. I thought it was really misogynistic rubbish, you know, and I will actually say it. But I'm saying you know, I want to remind that person to go. So why did you? I hate you, yeah, but I I could not understand, because I know the history with you and I know that brands started dropping you and people were being vile. And then I was like what is going on? This person? For a start, as you've said, you were entertaining and it's very easy to like you, Matthew.
Speaker 2:I mean, we've only met for 10 minutes and I already want to move next to you, let's do that, but to move next to you. Let's do that, let's do that, but you, you, I'll come to you, you come to me.
Speaker 1:You won't like it here.
Speaker 2:No, you won't like it here. I don't know that you'll like it.
Speaker 1:But seriously, I where does this hate come from what? What was the worst you mentioned? I was where does this hate come from what? What was the worst you mentioned? I was looking for your instagram and you mentioned death threats. I did. You said at one point you were getting death threats. I was what was? What were they actually like? Were people seriously saying I'm going to come to your house and kill you?
Speaker 2:well, at the same time, I was getting like you do you know the libs of tiktok account? Like no, when I was speaking out on stuff. They're conservative, whatever your ilk, it's great, I don't care, just don't cause people harm and stuff. Well, she posted some stuff when I was talking about some things over on her Twitter at the time and she wasn't a quilter, she's just a hater and very vile in America and that sent me the worst of the death threats and that, like I expected, it was like really, are they going to do stuff? Every time I would get one, I'd send it to the fbi, I'd like follow the thing, send it, send it, but I would get it from like quilters. And it was shocking. Like there were the oh, you should just go and kill yourself, you should die, as I was like having a mental breakdown. Um, there are people threats to my, my daughter. I'm going to come find you and your daughter. Um, that's why I removed my daughter from social media. I won't share her anymore. Um, it was like I know where you live and they would look up my, my address and send me a screenshot of my address. Like you better stop talking this this way about things, or we're going to come find you. You'll never work in the industry again.
Speaker 2:It was a bunch of that that I was like really For why I've never done anything to anyone. I just don't, it's not my thing. The one time I ever used someone's name, that woman had caused me so much harm. Then I'll never do that again because it felt really dirty and gross to do that. I realize my platform can cause harm. I didn't want to send anyone harm the way that I've received it and so, yeah, it feels gross.
Speaker 2:I don't understand. I don't understand why I became this face of patriarchy and men infiltrating crafts that all of these women felt entitled to getting that attention. And I'm the first to say, yeah, I saw it. That's why I did so many fundraisers. That's why I used so many other people's patterns and fabric and designs and elevated them. That's why I was constantly uplifting people ad nauseum, even at my expense of making money, like I was doing it. I saw it too. But now it's like, no, I got the skills, I got the talent, I get it and like I mean it's fun, I have fun, but I don't. I don't understand the hatred because it wasn't just jealousy, it was I want to cause you harm. It wasn't just mean comments, it was wild. The whole experience was wild, which made it hard for me to want to get back in, and I wasn't sure if I'd ever want to quilt or craft.
Speaker 1:Was that hatred worse when you were standing up for people's rights and things that you believed in? Or did it get worse when you were actually talking about your own struggles, Because you were very open with the trauma you were going through and and what you were facing. So when was the hate the worst?
Speaker 2:It felt the worst when I talked about myself the one time I stood up for myself. It felt the worst. And it might've felt the worst because these were before people who I considered allies and friends, people who I had made money for, and all I was doing was one like sharing a personal experience about harm that was caused to me, then criticizing a couple of systems that weren't inclusive to the queer community and that wow the level of harm and hate. There's a Reddit post that's the controversy of Mr Domestic. When you Google that people going in, it's like none of it's accurate because it's not like I stood up and defended myself and corrected any of it. I just let it happen. But that's when it felt the worst to me.
Speaker 2:But whenever I initially stood up for like black lives matter and racial injustice the very first time and I wouldn't let people like back down, that was a huge volume but I didn't. I didn't feel as bad because I was like, oh, okay, I mean, my spouse is black like why would you think I wouldn't stand up for this stuff? It's kind of weird. So I didn't take it personally. I was like, okay, cool, y'all never like bought anything of mine anyway, but it was those people that were supposed to be in my corner and understand things like intersectionality and want to have a conversation and be open to critique. And no, it wasn't that way. And then no one stood up for me. That was the wildest thing, because I'm the first person that would have stood up for anyone. I stood up for everyone. No one publicly stood up for me.
Speaker 2:There were people in my ear that actually propelled me to do these autistic. So I don't think about the consequences. I assume they thought of it and I was like, yeah, I can go do that and I would do it because it was right, but I didn't think about the impact of the harm on me, and so a lot of those that blew up in my face were that someone else was a part of that got into my ear. They were a little too close, they had more privilege than me and instead of using their privilege, they put it on me to do which I would do, just be like sure, and it would. They made everything tumble and crumble and not a not a single one of any of them came out and said, oh, I'm sorry First of all, or yeah, I agree with Matthew with what they did. I'm happy for that. That was weird too. I didn't, I was. I was just a human trying to like help and, um, I don't get it.
Speaker 1:I I think maybe there is a jealousy thing, though. I think as soon as, um, you know you become so well known and you're doing so well, it's like, I do think that sometimes some people are so light that if you are living in the dark it kind of blinds you. You, you look at people with this kind of light around them or whatever, and it's just like I can't, I can't deal with that because it's triggering them. It's, you know, that doesn't make it right their behavior, but they get triggered by things. So I think people were, maybe they were, maybe they were. Just it sounds like they were.
Speaker 1:They were like bees buzzing around you from all sorts of camps. There were people who, uh, didn't want to hear your anti-racism comments and didn't want to hear about, you know, as you said, the queer stuff, the you know, sticking up for people's rights and all sorts of movements, and then you know everything. But I mean, I've heard you say you know, art is community. Yeah, so this must have been such a shock for you that this community kind of turned on you it was.
Speaker 2:It was shocking. It was shocking only because at the time I was so hyper focused on those people causing me harm. I was so hyper focused on trying to please and win over those people who never would want me to be successful ever. There's even a gaggle, a gaze that like they were so ready to pounce on me. That was painful too. I was like really, wow, why, okay.
Speaker 2:But since then, since I've done my healing and like moved through it, I no longer focus on that. The last thing I ever expected was, as I was going through like my mental downturn, for my community to explode because everyone was telling me it was going to ruin everything. I didn't expect that I would suddenly have over a million followers on all my platforms. I didn't. I didn't. But that was just me being authentic and real and I guess people like that, and it allowed me to heal and feel supported, and so now I focus on the community that I've built, that I have. That are people that come to me for so many reasons, and so I don't think I'll get impacted by that the hate anymore. I know to expect it and it's all based on jealousy. Really, I'm not jealous in general, so I just it's not me, but like it's all based on that and so if it happens, it's like, but like it's all based on that and so if it happens, it's like okay, whatever.
Speaker 1:So I'm interested then in the turn, because the only thing that's changed really about you is that, as you've said, you are being more authentic, but you're still out there. Yeah, you know, you still say all that stuff. So how has it died down? How has it changed? Because I would have thought they would have just kept going and going. I mean, obviously you would have blocked a lot of people, but you can't keep blocking tens of thousands of people, so how has it stopped?
Speaker 2:I think part of it is the more that I've shared my story and people some people understanding how really bad things have been, how my life has been.
Speaker 2:You know, the fact that I've been sexually assaulted by 20 men, that I was sexually assaulted by my stepdad and my sister, was that I actually had a psychotic break, that my dream job tried to fire me and they didn't succeed. But it's what caused all of that, like there was a lot going on behind the. Let me entertain you. Yeah, I think that's part of it, that people are like, oh wow, okay, I didn't. I didn't realize that I wasn't doing it for the intent of them feeling bad for picking on me or whatever. But that's part of it. And I have changed how I communicate about things. Instead of what I call poking the bear or being really confrontational when I bring up issues, I lean into my vulnerability and I share stories and I do it more about look at us as opposed to look at you, and that seems to bring more people in and I've shifted that aspect of it and I think I think the combination of the two has has been what's shifted it. I'm sure it still is out there, I'm sure, but as long as they're not causing me harm. I've got a lawyer on my team now, so bring it. Y'all want to? Y'all want to try me now? I won't call you out but I'll call my lawyer and we'll get involved there and I'm no longer dependent on brands to where people don't have that leverage over me that disagree with me. Which is what people would do a lot of times is if I would say something that they didn't like. A lot of people would then reach out to those brands that I'm just going to build it on my own and the brands do want to partner with me. How I am now Great, that's awesome. I want to make sure your values are aligned, because they have to be if I'm going to work with you. But I have the connections and the know-how to like build it. It's like why can't I have an epic quilt store in the Pacific Northwest in America that represents inclusive, diverse values where everyone feels included? Why can't I build that? Why not? I think that'll be awesome.
Speaker 2:So I'm more into like, what can I do? Because I don't have to do any of this. I can step away. I'd be fine. My life is great. I love my spouse, my daughter, the friends I have, my chosen family, like I found the joy in sewing and crafting again for myself, like I don't have to do any of this. So I think I just feel liberated from needing to please other people, that I don't need to focus on those people who want me harmed to make sure that they're going to be okay and not harm me, which is something I've done my whole life and I just get to focus on me and living my life and building. And if things do happen, I'll be prepared for it and ready and just not be shocked by it happening, because it's going to the bigger I get, it's going to continue to happen and okay, okay, it has nothing to do with me, it's about them.
Speaker 1:So I have a question for you. Then, when you were at the worst point, you know, when the, the hate was flooding in, the death threats were coming in and all of that stuff, why didn't you just go? I'm shutting everything down. I'm closing all my social media. Was it a financial thing that you had to keep working? You needed the brands, or what? What made you keep going, matth, matthew, because so many people would have gone. I am out of here. I am closing my accounts down um.
Speaker 2:Part of it was I. I didn't know I had PTSD at the time when I was dissociated like 2022. I wasn't present for most of it, and only someone who has PTSD will understand I wasn't really there. And that's when my job fell apart and I was asking for accommodations for my autism, adhd and PTSD and my the company I work for refused to grant me any in it. It actually caused me to have my psychotic break when they tried to fire me. So that's part of it. I was like I wasn't in control. But the other part was I was still trying to control it.
Speaker 2:I thought I'm always of the mindset. If there's ever conflict or something going on, you can just talk about it Like let's talk about it, let's work through it, let's process it, like let's get on the other side of that. So there was still that thing that allowed me to survive. All the stuff I've been through in my life I was still trying to do, because to me, a lot of it was just miscommunication. I was like, no, let's talk about it. Like you, that's not what I was saying. You misunderstood what I was saying. You misunderstood my intent. Like, why were you doing this? I don't understand why you caused me harm. Did everyone else know that this happened? And then I was like oh, everyone did know, y'all were okay with it. Oh, that was kind of like a, but I didn't know any better. He did it, yeah, um, and it's not the worst that I've dealt with. So, um, it's not the worst it was. It was the worst to the point that that all aspects of my life were falling apart. Um, to where I attempted suicide a year and a half ago so that my brain finally shut down and was like you need to change the way you operate, to where I'm not on social as much and I don't post as much now.
Speaker 2:But when I was going through it, part of it was I was just super overwhelmed with the things I still had to do. I had contracts with brands, I had to get it done. But yeah, I've never been hyper-focused on commodifying any of this. I had contracts with brands. I had to get it done. But, yeah, I've never been hyper-focused on commodifying any of this. I don't need this money, I don't need it. I'm grateful for it. And I would love like my retirement plan is to build this to where I wouldn't have to have a day job and this would just be what I do, and like I float into the sunset with my spouse and family, like that would be lovely. Why can't I do that? But it's never been my focus. My focus has always been community and I've never really had that and I didn't want to lose it.
Speaker 1:Okay, so let's go back to your. I mean, do you mind talking about your parents and the fact that you said that they've disowned you? Yeah, so what's happened there then? I mean, I'm presuming this has been a very difficult relationship from when you were tiny because, as you said, you've suffered from abuse in your childhood childhood I did.
Speaker 2:It's not why people would assume because it was kind of at the same time that I came out as non-binary, people assume it has to do with that. It's not that it's. My stepdad was horrible, abused me and my sister. My sister passed away of an accidental prescription drug overdose 15 years ago. She got the brunt of it when she was younger. When we were both younger she kind of stepped in and took some away from me but I didn't know most of it was happening and I remember when she had her psychotic break that she would ask me if I remembered stuff. I didn't remember a lot of it. I didn't remember a lot of the abuse I knew there was like physical abuse. I didn't remember the sexual abuse until I had my psychotic, my own psychotic break a year and a half ago. And then all these memories flooded in and I was like holy crap, wow, all of these memories that I had thought were not necessarily positive but not like horrendous, we're like whoa, that's what actually happened.
Speaker 1:So do you think you locked out those memories? It wasn't that you were too young to remember. It was that you. They were not in my brain. They were not in my brain.
Speaker 2:They blocked out and that's how I've gotten through a lot of the stuff that I've been through. That's as, like I know, my, my body will shut down, like all the sexual assault, everything I've experienced, like it just shuts down and then I compartmentalize and I put it away and I wouldn't remember it the way it actually happened, until what happened a year and a half ago. So, um, but my, my daughter, something about I didn't realize this would happen, but having my child and not wanting her to experience what I did, it's like as she gets to certain ages, I heal through that age in myself and it's such an interesting thing that I'm like, oh, it's like that's when those memories happened from that child and I'm able to heal through it. So it was about the time that she was like six, seven which is when my abuse started that I started to heal through my version that I had in my brain at the time and I was like I don't want my daughter to be around any of that. I'm not going to allow this man to treat me the way he did. I'm not going to allow him to treat my daughter. He actually wouldn't even let me in my childhood home when she was born.
Speaker 2:I flew down to Houston. I live in the Northwest. He refused to allow me in the home to pick up my mom, and so I just got tired of that and it was my mom's birthday. It was 2019. I was doing the circuit. I had a quilt show and a class and something in Texas. I was like, let me go pop into my mom's birthday party, give her a quilt. It was a beautiful quilt that I gave her. But I emailed him before. I was like, hey, you can't do any of this Whenever I'm there, it's not going to happen. If you're going to come for me like it's my daughter, you're not going to do that. And I just ignored him the entire time and pretended like he wasn't there. He sat on the couch. I mean, he's horrible. So I got through it, moved on. I think that didn't sit well for him.
Speaker 2:So when the pandemic happened, my mom and I talked every day, by the way, like, even though she enabled a bunch of this, like she and I were close, like she loved me in her own way, she did protect me from some stuff she enabled like a lot of it, and like there's a reason that all of my siblings experience things of this nature. But, um, when the pandemic happened and I saw, like, where my family was combined with, or compared to, where I was, values wise, I was like, oh, y'all support that person. Y'all are never gonna support me. Oh, oh, my god, it was just shocking. And he had watched fox news. I'm sure y'all know what fox news is part of it. He's watched fox news for like 20 years. So he's like that person that has like the Fox News logo emblazoned on the TV and my mom, we were having a conversation and I corrected her because she and I would have hard conversations.
Speaker 2:I was like you know that what you just said was racist. Like I don't know why you said that let's not do that. And then she'd be like, oh, I didn't realize it and um, so I think at that time my stepdad decided I wasn't going to talk to her anymore and he deleted my number from her phone and took her phone and, uh, as, as the pandemic was raging and about to hit where they were, um, I couldn't get a hold of her. I eventually found her in a hospital, somewhere she had had surgery or fell down or something. I talked to her and I remember distinctly during that conversation she was like oh wow, I really do enjoy having conversations with you. And I didn't know what she meant at the time when she said that it wasn't, until I realized I was disowned. And then we got off the phone, I gave her my number. I was like call me, like why aren't we talking? I don't understand, I really need my mom. It was like right after my, my best friend had like decided she wanted to be friends with me because she didn't like how I was standing up for stuff.
Speaker 2:And then my niece, who is my sister, who passed away, she and I are so close, like super duper close, that I was in charge of my sister's life insurance policy when she passed. We were best friends. Of course I was. I did exactly with the money what I was supposed to do, which was make sure to get myself in a position to where I'm cool, put the rest of it away, pay for her college which I've done and then put it in a trust and she's going to get it when she's 30.
Speaker 2:My stepdad had made up a lie saying that I used that money to adopt my child, which I didn't. That was shocking. I think that was the first thing that kind of broke my brain. I was like why are you trying to harm my relationship with maddie? They didn't even know I paid for her college. They didn't know I had a trust. They just assumed this other stuff, which didn't happen.
Speaker 2:And my mom supported that allegedly, um, my oldest sister she what? She didn't want to help, but eventually she told me what was going on and I was like, wow, what's up? So I reached out, I texted and, um, his response was you're not going to talk to your mom until you give maddie all of her money. I was like what, what is this? It was wild to me. So, um, I sent them an email. He, he sent me an email back, pretending to be my mom, saying that I was disowned, that they wanted no part of me, that I was just some liberal, educated person who thought he was better than everyone and they wanted no part of my life. And so then I responded I fully went in on him and that was the end of it. I did reach out to the cops in the area just to do an adult protective check to make sure that my mom wasn't being abused, and that was the end of it. That's the last I heard from any of them and since then my niece and I are great and she's come and visited and our relationship's solid. Of course, I'm close to her.
Speaker 2:The reason I've achieved what I have in my life was because, when my sister passed away, I needed to step up. I quintupled my income, I busted my butt, got a couple of masters, got to a status in my life, because I needed to take care of her too. I did all of these things Never. Thanks, good job. I'm happy you did that.
Speaker 2:I think that my dad, my stepdad, just wanted some money and he was trying to get money from my niece, cause that's what he always did and that that whole thing was the beginning. It's like that's when my personal life fell apart and I was I no longer have my mom anymore and I was like I don't know what to do with that and then the Mr Domestic started to fall apart and then my day job fell apart. So it was like during those two years, these things were happening and like no one online cared about those other things. It felt like. So that's what happened.
Speaker 2:With being disowned, it's a lot more complicated than just a gender thing. It's that my stepdad is a horrible, horrible, horrible, human, horrible and he manipulated my mom as she's getting older in her mid-80s and her brain's deteriorating. I know my grandma had Alzheimer's and yeah, but I broke the cycle and my kid doesn't have to deal with any of that and I'm able to heal from what I've gone through and now I can show up for others online and be there for them and I'm saddened by it but also grateful that it happened, because I don't know that I would have been able to heal had that not happened.
Speaker 1:Yeah, do you? It's interesting you said that about breaking the cycle there, Matthew, do you believe in generational traumas and that someone has to come along and break those traumas? Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 2:I'm with you on that. I'm with you on that, absolutely Yep, and I did it, I did it. You feel you're that person. Yeah, I did it, I did it.
Speaker 1:I am it, I did it. I know I've just asked this question and you said well, it was to do with your. You know you've been autistic. You didn't because I said where did you find this drive from to carry on? And you said, because I was autistic, I didn't kind of know. But there has to be another drive underneath. I mean, where does this drive come from? Because, my goodness me, you have gone through so much rejection, abuse, heartache, trauma, loss, grief. There has got to be an inner drive coming from somewhere with you. Where do you find it?
Speaker 2:It's when I know I'm right. I'm right and it takes a lot for me to realize I'm right about something. It's not like I get one piece of information and I'm like, oh, this is what's up. It's like I and I knew I was right. I knew I was right to stand up for myself, even though the things that I spoke about online sometimes it was done in a way that like, oh, I get why I got that kind of like backlash or I shouldn't have done it that way. There's not a, there's not a damn thing that I ever said. Where I was incorrect, my assessment of it was always correct and I'm not going to be gaslit into thinking that something is wrong when I know that I'm right.
Speaker 2:So I have a strong, strong, firm sense of justice. That's something I actually got from my sister, tanisha. She taught me how to fight and to stand up for things, and I've always done that for others, never knew how to do that for myself, because I always operated and thought that, oh, if I'm doing this for other people, other people will do this for me. And I learned that's actually not true, that my willingness to do that for other people is actually rare and that I need to do it for myself, because I need to show my daughter how to do it. So the biggest drive for me is now that I'm a dad and I have this little kid. Oh, that's looking up to me, that I want to be the best version of myself for her and give her the best shot that I didn, to be the best version of myself for her and give her the best shot that I didn't have. And God, all I gotta do is look at her and that like keeps me going and I'm not going to like get beat down, cause I can't let her see that. I can let her see, like when things are hard, but I'm not going to let her see that Like it's just too much. I'm so glad that she didn't have the awareness of things when they were at their worst.
Speaker 2:Um, but that's it. It's like I'm a dad and I'm doing it right and I'm not just living for me. I'm living for my sister, tanisha, who didn't make it. She didn't survive all this and um, and so that's it. It's just somehow I got here and these amazing things are happening around me and I've never been able to take stock in anything because I've been so like numb. And I'm no longer numb, and so now it's like nah, you thought I was rising. Watch, watch the Phoenix rise now. Watch it rise. Now, everyone, because I'm about to put on a show and I'm going to do it on my terms and, wow, am I going to take a bunch of people with me? So, um, that's my drive is just, I'm not going to let everything I've gone through be in vain and for nothing.
Speaker 1:That's it do you think, matthew, that one of the reasons that you have stood up for people and, as you've said on your Instagram, you want to create a safe space for those people Do you think part of that is because no one stood up for you and no one gave you a safe space? I know you've just said you thought people would do that, but I'm not saying that. I'm saying you didn't stand up for people because you thought, well, if I do it for them, they'll do it for me. No, your initial reaction was you wanted to create this safe space for people. Do you think that's come from an overprotectiveness of other people, because you have felt so unprotected yourself?
Speaker 2:Totally, totally, like the messages I get. I'm shocked that I'm making that kind of an impact. It's wild. Yeah, the only person who ever did it was my sister. She did it fiercely and so that's the only way that I know how to do it, that I know how to do it, but those that stood with me as I was going through all of it like I owe it to them, I owe it to you.
Speaker 2:But there are a lot of people who grew up and are existing now feeling the way that I have my whole life and I do create safety for them and me living visibly and thriving makes them feel seen and I didn't have that. And so all of this it's so much bigger than sewing and crafting and quilting that's just my medium of expression and art right now that it's for all of them. It's for all of that. And it could be the conservative person whose mindset has shifted because of the way I communicate things to someone who has a newly out queer or trans or non-binary kid that appreciates what I do, to the kids and adults in the community that feel seen and feel like they can be themselves. I don't see a lot of people doing that, especially in sewing and crafting. People are not doing that. There's no one doing that. I don't see it. I don't see it. If I saw it, I'd be there. I don't see it.
Speaker 2:And previously I had thought that I was super tough and could just take everything, and so it's like I will be the shield, I will protect all of you. But my brain told me no, that's not the truth. You've never been that. You're not, that you can't just take everything, and so I don't approach it that way anymore. I'm not Superman. I can't stand in front, but but, wow, can I really have some firm boundaries and create an environment where others feel seen and let the straight, white, cisgender, able-bodied person know that, when they're in my affinity space, that we're not going to center you.
Speaker 2:It doesn't mean you can't have a good time, but I want to make sure that the person who's having the hardest time in the room feels comfortable and seen, and their existence doesn't get to be the reason that I've got to focus on you because you're uncomfortable, because that's a you problem. It's not an us problem. It becomes a you problem if someone who's trans makes you feel uncomfortable. Oh yeah, this isn't the space for you. You can go anywhere. You can literally go anywhere, but people want to have fun with me because, like I am special and I didn't I never saw that my whole life, cause there's something about abuse that sticks with you and I always felt not worthy of anything. That's what penetrated, even when people were like questioning me. It's like y'all, I don't think I'm better. I actually don't feel like I'm worthy of any of this attention. I don't feel like I'm worthy of anything good and finally, I'm feeling that I was just going to say do you feel it?
Speaker 1:now I do. Do you really feel that I?
Speaker 2:do. I'm worthy of it. I'm worthy of it, yay. I feel, that and it's like wow, that's such a powerful feeling. I've never felt worthy really of anything. I felt like I always had to prove myself and, no matter what, I never did enough. And now I feel like I'm worthy of showing up as myself. That's what I'm worthy of, and if my authenticity builds a badass brand and community, then heck yeah, I'm worthy of that too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you are worthy you are, and your daughter is going to be so proud of you, thank you. How old is she now? She's 10.
Speaker 2:She's going to be 11 in.
Speaker 1:May. She's already proud of you.
Speaker 2:So, matthew, some nails.
Speaker 1:Nails, nails of beauty let's leave the nails for Nails, nails and beauty. Let's leave the nails for a second. So I want to ask you something, because you know one thing that I battled with in my life and I still do to some extent. I mean, I'm kind of learning as well. I've gone through a whole three months, three months, three year journey in the COVID as well, where people have dropped away from my life and I've stepped away from people, and it's difficult, isn't it?
Speaker 1:It's difficult to let go of those people but and to lose people along the way. When you've gone through what you've gone through, you must well this is a silly thing to say you must have had so much anger. I mean, obviously there was huge anger for you inside of you anger, rage, bitterness, to a level I cannot imagine. How have you dealt with that? Because I think that's a stumbling block for so many people on different levels. Someone upsets them, it makes you angry or you make yourself angry. So how have you coped with that anger and that bitterness about everything that has been done to you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I'm still angry. I just have learned to process through that. And when I was showing up angry on the Internet, it's my belief that when you show up with an emotion on the internet that you get stuck in that emotion. So if I would show up angry, that didn't allow me to process through it, because then I'd have to come and respond to people responding to my anger and it would make me angry again and so I was just trapped in that anger and so every time I would show up angry it's like I couldn't get out of that anger. So now I don't show up to the internet until I process through that and I'm at a place of either solutions or resolution or whatever was happening has happened already. So I don't get trapped in that emotion. I'd rather get trapped in gratitude or trapped in learning or trapped in vulnerability than trapped in anger. That's part of it.
Speaker 2:Therapy's been lovely, but really unpacking all of it and understanding the why, which is simple jealousy for a lot of it, For the other stuff that's happened in my life. I was failed by a lot of adults my whole life. I can't be that adult for other people and it's really just working through it and I think a lot of people don't want to work through it and they don't realize that they need to be healing. We all are broken from the pandemic. I wish everyone would understand. We are all psychologically broken and if you're not in a place of healing, you're in a place of harming. And just realizing that has allowed me to have empathy for others. But it's really sitting with the discomfort and realizing that I need to take control of my mental health and my life and my state and sit with the feelings to process it inside of me and not on the internet or on social media. That's it.
Speaker 2:But the anger is still there. I've learned to live with it and it allows me to create boundaries for myself when I protect myself, and it reminds me why I have boundaries or why I'll say no and why I'll do things in a certain way, and I have to remind myself not to do the things I did before, to get overwhelmed by obligations that were mostly exploitative, and that's it. It's like I'm not. I don't have the ability to get angry like that again because it could destroy me. It almost did. It almost did. It was a lot to, it was a lot to process, once I was finally able to process stuff. It was a lot um. I'm sober, so that helps.
Speaker 1:I've been I haven't drank since like 2006, was it? Yeah, so it's been a long long time.
Speaker 1:So, um, oh, my god, I I don't allow myself to numb out oh, and this is something I was just going to pick up on, um, because I think that is what the problem is for so many people. People run from their feelings, from their trauma, from their fears, from and this has not been judgmental, because it's hard to do the work. It's hard, and you know something I ran for years. I ran for years, I created drama for years because it felt like home. So I get it, um.
Speaker 1:But there comes a point when you realize that all of your coping mechanisms are not working anymore and actually people who you really respect are beginning to see you and go. That's not nice, and you start losing people and hurting people, and then you're hurting yourself and then the whole thing just explodes. So I think you're absolutely right when you say about not going onto social media, which is where, when these people are ranting at you, they are angry and they're not listening to what's triggering them. They're not listening to what. Where's this coming from? Why do you feel uncomfortable? Now, I'm not sitting here saying you shouldn't. I'm saying you need to look at where that's coming from for you, because for me, I look at everybody on this planet and I see us all as human beings. We're all souls living in these meat puppets, so we should all just be going well, you're okay, I'm okay, you're okay.
Speaker 1:But when something triggers you, you have to look inside, don't you, and look at where that trigger's coming from. Do you have any suggestions of how you do that? Because there might be someone listening right now. This is about breaking the blocks. There might be someone listening right now, matthew, who thinks okay, I get that, I get that. How do I find out where that trigger is hitting me? How do I find out what it is that's making me do that Do?
Speaker 2:you know how to do that. You have to sit with it and don't respond Like shut your mouth. That's the first thing is just be quiet and sit with it, and it's even something that I tell my kid when she's, because she's having lots of emotions and stuff that are new for her and I'm like, does the emotion match the moment? Is it based on right now? Is there something occurring right now that is causing it, or is it based on right now? Is there something occurring right now that is causing it, or is it based on something other than that? And so that's what we all just need to do and what I do, because I do get triggered by stuff. Sometimes I get comments and I'm like, oh, I got it, and it's like, well, okay, what's that about? Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's not based on now, that's based on what happened in the past. Let's not react that way. Let's step away from it. Give myself some time, but just don't respond or react right away. That's the best thing and just let it fester.
Speaker 2:But a lot of people don't want to look at themselves, and that's where the problem comes. They want to point the finger at other people. They don't want to then look at their own indoctrination and say, oh, it's because I grew up in this religion or I grew up in this household and they said these things when I was a kid and then it stuck, and I don't know anyone who's trans or non-binary. So of course, all of those thoughts are still in my head, so I't humanized them. Some people don't want to do that, because then then they'll start to see their own flaws and areas that they need to work on. So we all, just as humans, need to be willing to do that.
Speaker 1:We're all different, like each person is different and I think it's also a fear as well, matthew, that if you do start looking at those um, that is not me or you, that is the dog. That was amazing I think matthew went I love that for us I know, um, he's agreeing, though he's agreeing.
Speaker 1:um, yeah, um, what was I saying? Yeah, I think when people are, when people are looking at their own stuff, um, they will have to look at, as you've said. Oh, I lived in a household like this, and that means then you have to start looking at the people around you and there is a potential that you are going to have to leave those people behind or certainly erect strong boundaries. So that's another question to have to leave those people behind or certainly erect strong boundaries. So that's another question I have for you. You've obviously learned to erect those boundaries. Now, that's a very difficult thing to do I know that because I've had to do it and it's hard. You feel like the bad guy almost Always, because you are protecting yourself. You feel bad for protecting yourself. What's that about? How do we?
Speaker 2:overcome that whoa, I don't know how to overcome that part, the feeling bad about it. Like really focusing on how much better your life is and how much peace you have around you, but even still it's like the trauma. It sets in with me, into where I'm like. I feel bad that I've distanced myself from my family because they would never show up for me and would never support me really the way that I needed to. I was always made to feel like I was the black sheep Me and my sister both were. That still creeps in. But then it's another. It's like that's not based on reality. It reality. It's what I've got to do.
Speaker 2:Do you really want to go through all of that again and feel not worthy? No, so it's really about choosing who. Who are you going to choose? Are you going to choose yourself? Because those people that you have to create the boundaries for aren't choosing you. They're certainly not going to choose you ever. So who do we want to live for? Do we want to live for ourselves? We just each, as humans, need to make that choice. Do we want to or do we want to feel welcome in a community that doesn't represent us or fight for us or share values and, more often than not, people want to stay in those communities, and that's fine, that's cool. Go do that. Don't cause me harm, please. But I haven't chosen that. I've chosen myself. Do that. Don't cause me harm, please. But I haven't chosen that. I've chosen myself. I've chosen myself for the first time in my life, at 40. How old am I? 48, 47. Like I, I. It's about time that I choose myself, and it's it's okay to do that.
Speaker 1:So that's, that's what we all need to just decide we're going to do and that helps me with the boundaries and not fantasize about what you want those people to be, because it's so. It's easy as well, when you take that step back after a while, to begin to think, oh well, maybe actually that was good and this was good and that was good. And then you start fantasizing, you create this image in your head of who this person is, but, as you just said there, that person is not choosing you. They're not protecting you, so you have to choose you and protect you.
Speaker 2:Yep, and that's it. And I've discovered as I do that and people leave and call me a bitch or whatever that fine, call me what you need to do, because I'm standing up for myself.
Speaker 2:The other people come and create space for other people. The other people come and create space for other people and like each of these people that that left, like even my mom, my best friends, like some of my family, like I did not realize how much energy and space that unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship was taking up, and then I'm left with all of this space to create and craft and bring more people into my life that share similar values and like, respect me and will be there for me. I didn't. I didn't realize that having those other people in my life was making it to where people who really could show up for me didn't want to be a part, and now they do, and so that's that's beautiful. It's really beautiful. That's what we all want.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and, and you know that's, that's the unknown thing. People are frightened about that space. But, as you said, when you create space it's amazing how many things I mean. You know, Matthew, I will say to you. I mean, I've wanted you to run a class for me for a long time on Crafty Monkeys, since I first, you know, followed you and I used to look at you and think this guy won't even look at me. Oh, look at him with his six million followers nearly, and my 22 I mean I've got a few more than that now, but I, I did. I I used to think, oh, you know, I'm not worthy, and I would think there's no way you would look at me and everything no, I did.
Speaker 1:And then when you know I commented on nails, it was just um, it was just a kind of flippant comment really, but I just thought, yeah, I'm just gonna say come on my podcast. And then I was amazed when you reached out and went how do we do this? And I firmly believe it's because I have been, particularly in the last eight months, making space. I have I've been making space and those good things come to you and, like energies, attract, like energies.
Speaker 2:It's that part, it's that part, it's that part and it's I it's. It was serendipitous because I don't read all my comments anymore, I don't check all my dms anymore because I'm always afraid there's going to be one that might trigger me. So I was just like, oh, but yours was towards the top and then I saw hey dog, stop it. You want to see the dog? What's the dog called? That is brianna and then there's ruby. There's Ruby, who's loud? Come here, ruby. And then there's.
Speaker 1:Hey Ruby, oh wow, hey Ruby.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, Really Girls. Oh my God, it's a package. Are you happy? Are you happy? It's a package? It's like they have to bark at the package. Someone dropped off a package. I had to acknowledge it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they're okay yeah, well, there you go. There's the feelings. You've acknowledged those feelings. The dogs have acknowledged their feelings and now they're fine.
Speaker 2:But no, if you would reach out before emailed, I would have done it, but we don't know, we don't know what we don't know, because, no matter how big I get, i'm'm still going to feel like I'm little, like I'm just a regular person.
Speaker 1:You are a regular person, well, I wouldn't say you're quite regular. I wouldn't say you're quite regular. I mean, people have not been through what you've been through and I got your story.
Speaker 2:I want good people around me, and so if y'all are good people, come on, come to me. If you're not, don't. Don't.
Speaker 1:I'm a good person, so, okay, well, let's go Before we sort of go then, matthew, because I think we've done a good therapy session there for people. Let's talk about your creativity, then.
Speaker 2:So what does creativity do for you, then? And I've always been creative my whole life. I always needed it. It's always been my escape from everything. It's been how I process the world.
Speaker 2:I did performance stuff, I did theater my whole childhood, college, undergrad, did a little professional, and then I realized I didn't want to pretend to be anyone else, I wanted to be myself. And then I realized I didn't want to pretend to be anyone else. I wanted to be myself. And I had a commercial teacher slap my face once in a class and she told me she was like you need to act more, like you, look. And I was like I don't want to be someone else, I don't want to pretend like I'm, like I don't know. She was like I needed to butch it up, I don't know, and I was like, oh yeah, I can't do this anymore. This is, I'm going to move on.
Speaker 2:And that's when I became a photographer and then after that, like I started sewing because I was working with models and making clothes and and it just kept going and kept going and kept going. So what it does for me is it just creates a safe place for me. It's always been a safety for me, usually in the creative spaces you can find your people and your tribe, and I've always managed to do that. There's, whether it's a handful or a million, like they find you in creative spaces, and so that's what it does, and I'm I'm baffled that I made it back to sewing and crafting Authentically.
Speaker 1:And, and you said that you find joy in it now. So how has that changed then? Because I would have thought that your creativity and your sewing would have always given you a safe space and a joy. Was it just that it was stripped away from all of the hate that was related?
Speaker 2:to Instagram, yeah, and it was the focus on getting stuff for free and the brand collaborations and obligations to where everything was an obligation and nothing was for me anymore. And then, put on top of that, the hate and it was just not fun. It was not fun anymore. And now, without all the obligations and doing it on my terms, I'm just. I'm really enjoying it and I thought that would be the end and I wouldn't want to like build a business, but then I'm like no, I'm not going to let these people win and keep me from like building something super great that is needed in the market that a lot of people would love and support. They would love an inclusive sewing and crafting business, whatever it is I create.
Speaker 2:I love teaching people. I have a different way of explaining stuff. I love all of that where I have like such a backlog of content for YouTube long-form YouTube I need to make and I've just been waiting and I'm not rushing it, I'm doing everything. I'm on my terms, on my pace, and so, um, yeah, the joy was stripped away by all of it. Like we don't always have to commodify our hobbies and you know something?
Speaker 1:I mean, I was talking to lucy engels. You know this. Do you know, lucy?
Speaker 1:engels I do. Yeah, she's such a sweetie and and she talked with me at the beginning of the pandemic, um, and then she said to me at one point, I'm gonna pull back because, um, I'm kind of feeling overwhelmed by everything. Of course, I took it personally, I thought it was me that she hated, and then I, I know and it wasn't, and then I reached out for the podcast and then, um, she's actually doing a class for me now at the end of this year. But we had a really interesting chat because she said exactly what you said. When it became a job, when it became she had to do this to earn this much money and this and bring this in and work with these people, all the joy went. So she's actually gone back to a social work now two or three days a week, which is what she did before for her, I know.
Speaker 1:And then she's now working two days a week in a studio and she's loving it. She, that joy has come back. And it's amazing how many people I talk to like you, matthew, who I guess the dream is to work with the brands to do and then as soon as you get that, you go. That's actually the wrong dream, that's not that's not working.
Speaker 2:That wasn't it, that wasn't it, that wasn't it. But now the dream is this would be a cool retirement. I have an eight year plan that I'm going to stay in capitalism and peak capitalism, but I'm I'm in HIV pharmaceuticals and I have a life changing drug that I go and I I help the community, like for a queer human that grew up in the eighties. It's such a lovely gig, I can do that. But I'm like, let me get to 55, to where I can get, I can retire, cause I've been with this company. It's a company I used to work with, so I got my tenure back. Um, retire early, get my by then.
Speaker 2:This will be a thing, not just do it slowly and incrementally, not feel like I've got to do this now. I'm not in a rat race, I'm in a. I want to create joy. Sure, I'll take some financial benefit for it. That will help me and my family in the future. Cool, why not? Why can't I do that? I want to do that, like that'll be neat. And so I think that making sure I don't rush into it and feel like I got to connect with brands and just doing it on my terms, then it's going to do that. So there's a way.
Speaker 2:But if you use the Instagram model and the commerce and ecosystem that is instagram and social media and you look at that as the way that you have to do it, no, that's not a, that's not a path to happiness, that's a path to peak capitalism. Great, that's what you want to do, but beyond that, it's not. It's not that it's not. And I was using that as a model for how to build it, and instead I'm going to use me as a model for how to build it in my community, like y'all, use me as a model for how to build it.
Speaker 2:My community, like y'all, will support me, cause I'm not going to give y'all nothing that like isn't cool, like I'm not, I'm just not. And if y'all don't want to cool, you're still part of my community. I don't care. Let's like play and it's that. So, yeah, it's all about the community, because that's what it's really about. It's not all this petty jealousy and who can like do the most beautiful stitches or any of that kind of stuff. Let's just have fun and create together, yeah, where everyone's welcome.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, why not? Why not? Well, is there anything that you want to say before we close it down? Is there anything that you've you've never said before anywhere on a platform, or anything you want to say, or any advice you want to give, or any motto or anything.
Speaker 2:Hmm, I guess just no matter what we choose to do in life, just make sure you're doing it for yourself. Like everything we've been trained and taught, most of that information in our head was not put there based on our best interests, and you got to really look within your own spirit and your own self to determine what is best for you, and people will come and follow. And the biggest lesson that I've been able to learn at this juncture in life is the power that is being authentic and with flaws and all be authentic. I didn't realize that would bring people in Cause I think all of us think that if we show our real selves, it will push people away. No, it doesn't. It doesn't at all. It's such a beautiful experience to navigate the planet authentically and for other authentic people to come into my world and for me to get permission to be authentic. Like that's the key to success right there. That's it, yeah, be authentic.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I'll tell you something if you're not authentic, it actually pushes people away, because they just go. Who are you? You don't even know who you are who are you and? You get this energy and this vibe from someone what are we hiding for? And then you don't end up with anybody.
Speaker 2:So yeah, ding, ding, ding. Be yourself, be yourself, la, la, la, and come craft with me I'd love to come craft with you well, I'll tell you.
Speaker 1:I'll tell you something, matthew. Um, I mean, you know, I I was just gonna say, but it sounds so patronizing, but I was just gonna say, my god, you should be so proud of yourself because and as I say, I've witnessed that journey and there were times that I found it difficult to watch because I could see you were a human being in agony and I was like, oh someone, please go put their arms around this person. I found it very difficult to watch and I saw your meltdown happening and then I had my own meltdown. So I'm with you and I think you're incredible and I think your daughter Helena is going to be so. Oh, you are going to be like this as people when she and I know this because I've got it with my daughter- yeah, we are like this.
Speaker 1:We are, we're two piece I, and I didn't have that as a child. And I'm doing what you're doing breaking cycles, new behaviors, you know, and she's amazing because she tells me she'll go, mother, that is the previous mother.
Speaker 2:I love that. She's great.
Speaker 1:She even said to me the car the other day. I was having a bit of a moment and I just said I feel like I'm between two worlds and I. And she said mother it's because you're asc?
Speaker 2:yes, isn't it, but it's like what? You have so much wisdom, oh my gosh, right. Oh, we're ascending we're ascending and some folks aren't gonna like it no, some people won't like it, but you know what so many more will.
Speaker 1:Yeah, come with us, come with us, let's do it okay, well, let's go together, let's ride off in the sunset with you, with your nails and your lashes, and do you know? Only two percent of the only two percent of the world's population have green eyes really allegedly, I know.
Speaker 1:And on that note we shall end it. Thank you so much, matthew. It's been an absolute joy getting to know you behind the Instagram glass, so thank you, thank you, thanks for having me. You're welcome. Just before you go.
Speaker 1:Lovely listener, can I ask you a favour If you have a friend who you think would enjoy listening to this podcast, would you mind please telling them about it? It helps me to spread the word and you never know, they might get a life lesson out of it or, at the very least, just have a lovely 40 minutes of relaxing time for themselves. The second thing to say is that, if you have enjoyed this, it would really help me if you would give me a little quick like or a comment. It would really help me if you would give me a little quick like or a comment, especially if you're listening on one of the podcast platforms. And the final thing to say is that if you are a business and you're thinking how do I get my message out there? Well, you could do it on this podcast. All you have to do is reach out to me, rachel, at breakingtheblockscom. Thank you so much to everybody who's subscribing, listening, liking, no-transcript.
