Breaking the Blocks
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Thanks for stopping by! Life is tough, and I think this podcast might offer you some relief. My aim? To inspire you to overcome some of your own blocks through the inspirational, honest, and at times, downright raw conversations with some wonderful guests, not huge celebrities, regular people like you and I. Let’s see how they have overcome the difficulties in their lives and offer you some advice and more importantly hope.
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Breaking the Blocks
Navigating Step-Parenting and Personal Growth with Amanda Oros
Have you ever wondered how a passion for quilting can become a powerful tool for self-discovery and healing? Join me as I chat with Amanda Oros, the dynamic host of "Not Your Granny's Quilt Show." Amanda and I share our personal journeys as step-parents, highlighting the emotional challenges and growth that come with it. We also explore the deeper meaning of community within the quilting world, breaking stereotypes and emphasizing the importance of creativity in overcoming life's hurdles.
Our conversation takes a heartfelt turn as we discuss the journey of healing through self-trust, especially when confronting deeply rooted beliefs from an evangelical upbringing. We delve into the significance of self-awareness, the struggle against black-and-white thinking, and the importance of maintaining family connections despite differing beliefs. Through personal anecdotes, we reflect on the pivotal moments that triggered our healing journeys, stressing the importance of open communication and personal growth in fostering better relationships.
Navigating the loneliness that often accompanies personal growth is another key theme in our chat. We touch on the relief and challenges of embracing one's true self, setting boundaries for self-care, and recognizing the toxic nature of people-pleasing. Amanda and I also discuss the concept of toxic positivity and how embracing authenticity and self-love can lead to a more fulfilling life. Join us for an episode filled with honest reflections and insights on overcoming personal blocks and finding genuine connections.
Well, hello and welcome back to another episode of Breaking the Blocks. I'm your host, rachel Pearman. Now, today's guest is a lady called Amanda Oros. She also has her own podcast.
Speaker 1:I was actually on that podcast as a guest a couple of weeks ago. It's called Not your Granny's Quilt Show, and I love the irony of the title, because as soon as you mention that you work in the quilting arena, people think it's just for grannies. Nothing wrong with grannies. We love them. There are lots of young people who were involved in the quilting industry as well.
Speaker 1:Now, amanda and I talked about what it's like to have your own business and how creativity helps you to overcome things in your life, but one thing that we definitely had in common is that we have both been step parents. It's a very tricky line to walk along, and so we talked about that. We also talked about how it becomes perhaps more difficult when you've got childhood wounding, perhaps when you are a people pleaser, which is what Amanda admitted to being. So sit back and enjoy the podcast. I hope you find it interesting, and maybe there might be something in there to help you. If you are a step-parent, so do let me know in the comments below, and, once again, thank you so much for being here. So here we are.
Speaker 1:Welcome to another episode of Breaking the Blocks with a very new guest. For me I say a very new guest, I mean all of my guests are new because they haven't been on my podcast before, but Amanda and I have never actually worked together. We have just met in the podcast stratosphere. Yes, welcome. Let's talk about your podcast first of all and how we actually came across each other. So Not your Granny's Quilt Show. That's right, isn't it?
Speaker 2:Yes, Not your.
Speaker 1:Granny's Quilt Show. I love that because that is the first thing anybody ever says to me Amanda, oh, you do things with quilts. Oh, is that sort of by 85 year old ladies with blankets on their knees and you go. There's nothing wrong with those ladies, but no, so that's who you are, so it's lovely to have you here, amanda, and thank you so much for joining me today.
Speaker 2:Well, thank you so much for inviting me. Yeah, you reached out to me, which I was like I'm sorry what is happening right now? Because I've recently started following you and just seen the work you've done and everybody that you've talked to and I just thought, wow, that would be a really cool podcast to be on someday or to interview you. And so when you reached out, I thought serendipity.
Speaker 1:But here we are. It's funny how things work like that, isn't it? We are going to talk about some blocks you overcome because I did read something somewhere and that's why I contacted you, as well as you looking like a fun gal. Um, I did say to you oh, now you've been through something I've been through and I thought we could talk about it together. So that's hooking the listeners in. That's known as the hook, amanda, I'm sure you know. So your podcast, obviously it's.
Speaker 2:It's a fun title to start with well, I think for the most part it was really just an adventure into just meeting other quilters who were in my same kind of mindset and outlook on life and different, so that I could learn from people. And, being fairly new in the quilting world, I've been quilting for seven and a half years now. The podcast I've had for two and a half yeah, I just I want people to be able to have a safe space to just talk about themselves and what got them into quilting and what inspires them and what feeds their soul, and so that we can make deeper connections with one another. Because I think if we're just seeing each other's online presence, our curated Instagram, whatever we're putting out on social media, that is very orchestrated.
Speaker 2:I love getting to know people. I love understanding who a person is and why they do what they do, what makes them tick, because that's where we find relationship and that's where we find a deeper connection. And I always lean hard into Brene Brown in that sense that we're hardwired to find connection with other human beings and our hyper globalized society. In our world how it is now, it can be really hard to find true deep connection. But this is my way of kind of closing that gap, just trying to make a positive difference, I guess absolutely.
Speaker 1:you say it's a safe space, but it's a place people can come together and and I think that is one really strong thing I think that, with the quilting world, community has a different meaning. I don't think it's about just buying a product. It's like you know, not just buying a long arm or buying a machine. I think it is about finding people and finding like-minded people and creating together and creating art together. So, yeah, I'm with you.
Speaker 2:I think it's great to have a space where you can talk and meet people and become part of the community I think that is something I have found too is, I think, yeah, the word community gets tossed around so much and the quilting community, however lovely it can be for the most part, there are still some dark little shady corners that we need to shine some light in, I think, and that will help us change things for the better, I think, to create true community where people can be open and be themselves and show up exactly how they are and make things exactly how they are and make things exactly how they want to make them.
Speaker 1:I think, although we say it's a fantastic community, as you say, I think it's for the most part. I think that's the same with anything in the world. But yeah, there can be an underbelly. I don't quite know where that vitriol comes from. Is it an envy? I think it is a fear, isn't it? I think, when people attack other people's sexuality or the way other people want to be seen, or statements people make and it triggers something in them, I think that is a fear that people need to look at within themselves Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, and I talk about it a lot and I will never stop talking about it because I think mental health is one of the greatest ignored things that we all have as humans. It's all in our own care to have healthy minds and bodies and spirits, but we're told we just need to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps, we need to just power through and ignore it all. So when we don't look at ourselves in the mirror, when we aren't aware of our own fears and our own kind of thought patterns and the things that come up for us when certain things happen for other people, what is being mirrored back to us? That I think that's where the ugliness can come from, because we, we have these, these little deep, dark thoughts we have, everybody has them.
Speaker 2:You know this toxic positivity of like everything's perfect in rainbows, it's like it's not but it's. I think that's where ugliness comes from, is because people are ignoring their own selves, they're ignoring their own needs and then when they see someone else experiencing something that maybe they've not allowed themselves or not felt safe to express, it can bring that out in them and I'm guilty of it. You know, like I said, we've all, we all have these things within ourselves, and it's. It's just. What do you do with it, right so?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I saw a great quote the other day and it said um, heal your wounds, so you don't see the world through your wounds. And that is so true because, and, and, and. I'm like you. You know, I've been through a massive healing journey myself in the last three years. I really feel there are so many other people in the world who have gone through it. I don't quite understand why. I don't think we fully know what this world is all about, and the universe and what happens afterwards, etc. But it does seem to be that since COVID, there has been a huge shift and, as you say, a great emphasis on mental health, mental wellbeing, but also about healing yourself. And I think we used to talk about mental health, didn't we? In terms of, like, depression, anxiety, and we still do. But there is also another thing that's being added now, which is this healing yourself premise going back into your kind of inner child, your inner self, your inner wounds, and there is a healing force.
Speaker 2:It's kind of funny because I have talked about kind of the religious traumas I've experienced and my disagreement with some of the things that come out of the evangelical Christian world, because it has done some damage to me. What I took from all of that growing up in that was that we're supposed to love each other at the core of everything, no matter what else the Bible says, no matter what your religious leader says. At the core of everything, if God is love and we are made in God's image, if that's what you want to talk about or look at, then that's what we're supposed to be is love.
Speaker 1:Can I ask you though, amanda, if you don't mind, when you said that you know, you felt some well. No, you didn't feel you were damaged by your religious upbringing. Can I ask you how that affected you?
Speaker 2:Well, I am still deconstructing some, some really deep beliefs that I've held that I haven't really realized until I've started unpacking a lot of things, as I've gone through this kind of healing journey in the last six or seven years and I'd say the biggest thing that has just still has kind of a grip on something inside of me is, um, that I don't trust myself.
Speaker 2:There is a mistrust of myself and my voice that is deeply rooted inside me somewhere and that comes from, I think, just that message that like inside me somewhere and that comes from, I think, just that message that, like, the devil's always trying to trick you and Satan's going to work his hooks in you and you're never going to know it because you're just a dumb human and only God can save you and people be called sinners or evil or bad because of just human things, right, normal human situations that have just been written off and it's very black and white and that black and white thinking leaves no room for nuance or the cognitive dissonance that happens all the time. And that's okay because it's normal and um, so really learning to trust myself and trust my gut instinct and, um, believe in myself has been, that's been something. It's been hard, but but it's getting better and yeah, I think that, honestly, is probably the biggest nut to crack, I guess, if you want to say something about it, I don't know, but it's been tough.
Speaker 1:And when you say trust yourself, is that in your decision-making process and when you say trust yourself, is that in your decision-making process?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think there's just such a way of what I think some would consider protecting their children or shielding them from things that are viewed as harmful in that evangelical lens.
Speaker 2:But I didn't really know about things about my own body until I was well into adulthood and was like, wow, I'm embarrassed that I didn't know that, and just things of that nature. Communication is not, I guess, celebrated in the communities or in the religious communities where I was raised, it wasn't. Certain things weren't openly talked about. It wasn't a comfortable thing to just talk about everything with your family or even with, you know, your leaders in the church or even peers in the church, because it's like I can't talk about that, that's evil or that's sinful, and so things just get shoved away. But it's like, but I need to know these things about my own self and and so that kind of like well, everybody else knows better than I do because I don't know anything and I'm not supposed to know these things because they're bad, and I don't know anything and I don't need to know those things, and if I'm thinking about those things, it's a bad thing and um, so yeah, Do you still have a relationship with your family and from friends who were in that community?
Speaker 1:Is that still able to carry on?
Speaker 2:Um, my family, yes, I think there's been some growth for them, and especially with my parents.
Speaker 2:Um, you know, we're all of their kids now, we're all adults and we've all experienced multiple. You know all these different things in life and we basically have just been like listen, this way of thinking doesn't work for us. It's not how we want to live our lives. It doesn't feel good, it doesn't feel safe, it doesn't feel loving and, um, if you were going to be in our lives, then you have to just be okay with it, like more or less you know, and they're like okay, you know, they're more interested in us as people than they are in forcing a religion down our throats. We've all just kind of agreed to not make it a thing. Family is a big deal in my family, so staying connected is more important than pushing people away. And that was hard for multiple reasons on my dad's side, because his parents didn't think the same way, the same way, and they they pretty quickly pushed us kids away when, when they realized they couldn't really control my parents and in controlling us and how we acted and how we looked externally to other people.
Speaker 1:So what triggered you to begin to kind of open up the lines of communication just in your general world, with with other people, and start looking at yourself and going on your healing journey? What was the trigger?
Speaker 2:The loss of my grandmother, my dad's mother. That was really heavy and all of the feelings that came up with that and the unresolved pain that was left in the wake of her death and realizing I was never going to have a chance to fix any of it, and it was coming out in anger at work, at home, and my husband just said, hey, I love you and I know that this has been hard for you, but you're treating us like trash and that's not okay. What do we need to do to help you? Like, what can we do to, you know, get you on a better path? And I had been in therapy before that and kind of started looking into my emotional and mental health right when I turned 30, essentially so, you know, eight and a half years ago now.
Speaker 2:But that was like a really big turning point of like, oh, I need to change a lot of things in my life because I don't want to continue on this path. I don't want to be passive, aggressive anymore. I don't want to be so closed off that, like my own husband doesn't know what's going on. I don't want to be mean to my stepkids, um, cause they're really great and they didn't deserve it and I wanted to be more present and better at work when I was teaching and I had to get real with all of it. I had to look in the face and go oh, that behavior that is making me so mad, that makes me feel bad about myself, is actually hypocrisy. Like I had to call it what it was to be able to face it and and heal it. Um, and I just thought you know what? I'm done hiding it, I'm done pretending like I'm okay, I'm done stuffing it down because it's not working.
Speaker 2:And you know it, you can say those things and then doing them and setting boundaries and having those hard conversations is a whole different ball game, but but that's where it started for me.
Speaker 1:You've just said that saying those things and then doing something about it is very difficult. So I think the main thing from what you've just said there is it's being honest with yourself, isn't it? So you have to look in the mirror and go don't really like what I see, and that's why a lot of people run from it, because it's too much, it's too painful, it's too difficult. But when you've looked in that mirror and said don't like what I see, Obviously you did therapy. But what sort of practices do you then have to put into place? I'm just asking this for anybody who's listening, who's recognizing this and thinking, yeah, I think I need to do this myself. What are the practices that you've put into place?
Speaker 2:Well, first and foremost and I know not everybody has this, so it can be tricky but my husband has been just an unconditional source of support and love and honesty, day one. I mean I was very young when we met. He's, you know, just laid it out Like I've done all the things I've been married before, whatever he's like, but honesty is always going to be where I start and that's what I need for our relationship. And I was like, wow, that's weird, nobody ever said that to me before having him and I can say whatever I need to say with him and we'll talk through it. But just anybody, it doesn't have to be a spouse, it can be a friend, it can be anybody in your life. That is just that you can trust. That trusts you, that you can have those hard conversations with. That's going to listen and talk you through whatever you need to talk through. And I think that's the hard part is we all want to give advice, we all want to say what somebody should or shouldn't do, but I think the hard thing is to just sit and listen and let a person vent and say, wow, that is really hard. Is there anything I can do to support you? Even with therapy.
Speaker 2:I would do a lot of reading outside of therapy and in conjunction with and. I have some affirmations that I work through and sometimes, some days, they're really hard to say and I tape them up to my mirror so that I'm in the mirror saying them to myself, look myself in the eyeballs and say them. And there are things I needed to hear as a kid, there are things that my inner child needs to hear still, still a lot of times. But making that a habit and a practice of looking myself in the face and saying you are safe, you are loved, you are a work in progress and that's okay. You know, I have my. That's those aren't the exact ones, but I have my list of of affirmations I say to myself.
Speaker 2:And and then, when it comes to your interactions with other people, that's where the trickiness comes in, because I think we are in behavioral cycles with the people in our lives and we may not even recognize what those are at first. But when we start to know ourselves better and start to learn why we do what we do, we can start to see those patterns and those cycles occur and we can notice the triggers for them more easily Noticing the trigger and then doing something differently are two also separate tasks. But just the noticing can make a huge difference, because then you can go oh, I see what just happened, I see why I just wanted to explode on everyone. But then making a different choice is a whole different thing. Like, instead of sitting in the discomfort and letting yourself build up a bunch of rage and then exploding on everybody in the room, you can just get up and walk away. You don't have to change anybody's mind, you don't have to force a situation or force somebody to think differently, because you can't really, and a lot of times removing yourself from the situation is the only answer. But and like I said before, it's very nuanced, and so I think, before you can even approach anybody else and say, hey, this dynamic isn't working for me, you have to know yourself so well to understand why it's not working for you, to understand where those triggers are coming from, to be able to even have a conversation with the person that that dynamic is with, and so I don't have it figured out all the way.
Speaker 2:I still struggle a lot, especially when it comes to family, but I am making strides and I have done a lot of reading with the workbooks that Dr Nicole LaPera has put out. She's on Instagram, on socials. She's the dot holistic dot psychologist, so she puts out these great workbooks that help you work through these kinds of things. And she is a psychologist, so she's coming from a very learned place and her goal is to make mental health and emotional health more accessible to more people. But the the first workbook I did of hers is called how to meet yourself and it's essentially finding your habits, meeting who you are finding, finding all of all of you underneath everything you've buried your own self underneath and, um, that really helped how long have you been in therapy now?
Speaker 1:I guess about eight years eight years, wow, okay, I mean, I did about five or six and I think the only reason I stopped therapy is because my therapist left. She didn't leave me and then I, and then I went in there for abandonment wounds and then my therapist abandoned me. Um, but no, no, she moved out of London and it wasn't in a time of electronics, this was 20 years ago, so there wasn't a Zoom or anything like that. But she said I think you've come to the end now, rachel. I think you're strong enough. Interestingly, yes, she did save my life I mean literally, because I was in that place, but actually it's only the last three years that I think I'm finding the final pieces of the puzzle. So what was your?
Speaker 2:core wound, like not feeling like I was ever going to be good enough. I was never going to be religious enough, I was never going to be quiet enough or smart enough or, um, smart enough or you know any, any, anything. I was never going to be enough, whatever it was. And um, so my, my driving force was to people, please, to get people to like me, to get people to accept me, and and so, yeah, that was where where I've had to dig in yeah, and that's a difficult one, I think.
Speaker 1:I think it's a difficult one, um, trying, but then you see, what happens as well is that when you are people pleasing and trying to please everybody else, you then just wear a mask and eventually the mask falls. Or people just think you're being disingenuous because there's something off, because that's not actually the real you is it.
Speaker 2:It's incredible, the people who can see through it and just don't mess with it. And then it's like, what did I do? They don't like me. And then it's like, okay, what do I need to do? What do I need to change, to adjust? And it's just like some people are just impervious to it and good for them, because it's hard. But then it it the person who is seeking that connection, who doesn't know how else to get it, is left spinning. And and oftentimes I was left spinning because I just couldn't figure out what I needed to do and didn't really even know who I was to be, to show up as my genuine, authentic self. And so that has been.
Speaker 2:I think that's where the my podcast has come in and propped me up in a lot of ways, because if I get in front of the camera and I start being somebody that I know isn't me, it feels really uncomfortable. Yeah, that that desperation is just so heavy. So I'm laughing only because it's just. It's incredible how much I didn't even know about myself, that I now know that. I'm just like, wow, wow, how did I do that for so long, for one thing. And then I just think about all the people who are still in that, who are much older than me, who haven't even tried to figure it out, and I'm just like, oh my God, it's so much, it's so much and it does.
Speaker 2:It takes so much work. It can feel so scary, but taking that first step towards yourself, turning, leaning in and turning towards yourself instead of towards everybody else to find your value, um, it's, it's the first necessary step, um, and it feels selfish. I think that's that's another thing that came from the religiousness of my upbringing. Is this the selfish title that you get when you work on yourself or you set boundaries or you say no to people? It's, um, the selfish title that you receive from, from the crowd, the peanut gallery, um, in judging your choices and what you should or shouldn't be doing. So that's been a step. That has been tricky too, because there's still a little voice in my head that's like well, now they're going to hate your guts. So you might as well get used to being alone, because nobody's going to like you.
Speaker 1:Did you. I want to talk about a difficult part as well in that healing process, which ties in with exactly what you've just said, because I felt when I went through my sort of deep healing and started changing myself and I started to lose friends because, as you've just said, you'll have people saying, well, that's selfish, and then people start to leave your life that, I think, is one of the scariest points in the healing process, because that's when you can become very lonely and think I'm making a wrong decision here, I'm destroying my life because I'm losing everyone. Now I would like to say to anybody out there and this is my experience that actually what you're doing is losing people who were never energetically matched up to you in the first place. They were matched up to a fake version of yourself yourself. You'll start to find other people who are also just like you or on your wavelength, or understand you or will accept your boundaries, accept your honesty.
Speaker 1:It's a beautiful thing, but it takes quite a while. I'd say it's a good year. It's a good year of being in a very rocky, dark place, but you have to seek the light because it's there. Did you find that? Did you find you were losing people and you were in that space.
Speaker 2:I think, only in the sense of I was able to stop trying so hard to get so many people to like me. I still have, as friends have been around for all these versions of me and they're still here. So I've been very lucky, very lucky. Um, I think a risk you take in in healing yourself is is just what you've said is you're blowing up your life essentially, but you have to be willing to change everything or nothing will change, and it can be as small as just saying no a couple of times more than you used to. That can change the dynamic of something for you, enough that it will.
Speaker 2:I refer to it as like a weeding out. It's like pruning a shrub or or weeding your garden. You're, you're getting rid of the, the unwanted people or relationships in your life that are just there, kind of monopolizing or taking nutrients out of the stuff that's going to stick around, the relationships that are going to stick around, and so as long as I like me, then the rest of everything else is a bonus. I think sometimes people do the therapy and they start working on themselves and realize they're in relationships with a lot of people who don't want to do that. But if you're willing to let those things go, then, just like you said, you're making room for the ones who can be there for you, who can be open to your growth and who want to support you. Just because you exist and your energies match and they want to be a cheerleader for you, whatever that looks like.
Speaker 2:And I feel like the more I lean into who I am fully, the more I am finding other people who not by force and not by all the hat tricks I used to try to play to get people to be my friends, but they just stick around because we just are our energies vibe. We have a same our, our energies vibe. We have a same, similar trajectory of where we want our lives to go, or just this one single thread of our lives is is interwoven, and so we're seeing that it stays strong, if that makes any sense. So it does kind of clean up the weeds in a way. Um, but like I said, I've been really lucky and have I have long time friends who have stuck around and and have been able to enjoy all these versions of myself that I've presented and they're still around.
Speaker 1:So that's kind of cool what were the hat tricks that you would try to get to people, please? What, what would you do?
Speaker 2:um, I would just, I would overextend myself by saying yes to doing things or trying to be in too many places at once, doing things for other people that I didn't really want to do. But I felt like, oh, this will make them like me and and it was really unconscious, it was a really deep thought that I didn't even recognize was there, or that that was a reason why I was doing what I was doing. I just thought I'm such a generous, nice person. I just thought of this person. I just really wanted to buy this thing for them.
Speaker 2:And so I go out of my way a lot to to do nice things for people, especially if I felt like our relationship was slightly rocky and needed kind of my support to be good, like I just needed to show up and be better, because, again, that fear of not being enough was always in the back of my mind. So, yeah, those things and trying to fix problems, I mean, and I still catch myself doing it and it's a very ingrained mode with my parents especially, and they don't need me. I mean, they're grownups, they can do stuff, but I'm always like I can fix that, I can do. You know, I can do that. I'll figure out the schedule for that. And I'm like, whoa, I don't, I don't need to, I need to stop doing that.
Speaker 2:You know I have stepped back from it and guess what? They're fine, they're fine. Do I even have a personality? Do I even know what I like? Do I even know where my boundaries are? How much is too much? It's just, it feels so crazy to start looking at all of it with a different lens and go what have I been doing all this time?
Speaker 1:it with a different lens and go what have I been doing all this time? Do you know? Have you heard the phrase toxic positivity? Yes, yes, because that is what you were doing and that's what I was doing. Toxic positivity is when you are that fixer or that positive person, or in terms of like oh we can do, don't worry, we'll do this and I'll do this for you. And, as you said, things are getting rocky. I'll make it better, I'll do this. I'm a positive person, I can do this, I can fix this.
Speaker 1:And actually it's really toxic because, as you said, you're doing it, maybe even subconsciously, because you want to be liked, you want to be kept, you want to be safe, you want to still be a part of that person's life. So you're bending over backwards against yourself to try and fix or help or solve, and that's toxic. But it's something I didn't recognize in myself. But when you recognize it, oh, it's a scary one. You were trying to get everybody to like you, but actually you didn't like yourself. That's the thing. That's the thing. That's why we do these things, you know. It's why we numb our affect, our emotions, and we avoid things, because we don't like ourselves. Yeah, and maybe that's who we've become. So you have to, you really have to start loving yourself. Well, I said at the very beginning that you and I've been through a similar experience. It's been. I mean, it's really interesting now hearing all of that, which I, you know, wasn. That's what I love about podcasts you never know where they're going to go. It's like a bush you get on it, you don't know where it's going. But it's interesting because I think that one of the things is that you have stepchildren.
Speaker 1:My trigger point for going into therapy was, in part, coming from seeing my husband absolutely doting on his little boy. So I met my now husband and he had a little boy. I saw this love being outpoured and then I just thought well, that means there's not enough for me, which is I sit there. Now I go, rachel, what are you thinking? But at the time it was so difficult. But then also witnessing his boy going through his parents becoming divorced, which is what happened to me when I was seven my parents divorced. So it all triggered me into going into therapy.
Speaker 1:But I wanted to talk about the step-parent angle because a lot of people will be step-parents and I just want to put it out there. It's a very difficult road to travel. And I'm not saying that step-children are horrible. I'm not saying that at all, because they're all children who need to be loved, and one could say, when children have been through a divorce, it's that they, they, they need a lot of attention and affection and understanding and communication, I'd say above anything. But it is a very difficult thing to take on someone else's child. So I thought we could just talk about that and what, what difficulties you've faced with that, and it's interesting now hearing your backstory. How did you mesh all of that together? Because you were very wounded yourself and I wonder how having stepchildren perhaps triggered some of those wounds, or yeah, yeah, I'll just speak for myself.
Speaker 2:I felt like this weird outside party of like um, trying to make sure that I can integrate into it, but also, yes, being triggered in a lot of ways of my own issues, but also trying to figure out how to set boundaries with the other parent and trying to reconcile my version of parenting with my husband's version of parenting, with the mom's version of parenting. There's just so many pieces to it and it's hard to learn how to share responsibility in a dynamic where you're new and they've got something going on the parents and the child, they've all got a dynamic going on that you now have to figure out where you fit into. And, um, I was so young and I was still in the throes of my people pleasingness, and so there were a lot of times where I would feel taken advantage of by Antonio's mom in her situation and things that she would tell me or try to like manipulate out of me, and then I would tell my husband and he'd be like, oh my God, she did it again, like she got you and whatever. And so it just felt like this really weird cycle of like we got close really quickly and and just that feeling of like I, I can't do enough to feel like I'm doing enough, and there's always going to be someone else who takes precedent or is more important than than me in this dynamic of parents and child, and that sounds very like whiny and selfish, but it's like I really hate Mother's Day now, just in the sense that it's like no one looks at the way that step parents to pretend like we're fine with things that we're not fine with in um, in favor of letting the quote, unquote real parent have their say and have their, not have their power taken away from them, if that makes any sense. Um, and and I've been lucky that our situation hasn't been super tumultuous Um, there have obviously been issues here and there that crop up, but I think, ultimately because Abe and I my husband, abe and I have always we choose each other and we choose to lean into each other when there's issues, to find a solution that works for us as a couple instead of just for him or just for the mom that has helped, because he looks to me as a support instead of like, well, this is my kid and I'm making all the decisions.
Speaker 2:It's like I would like to make this decision, but how is this going to affect you, and is there anything I'm not seeing in this decision that I want to make? So that has helped that I've. He has pulled me in and he has tried to give me more power than I think I feel like I have sometimes. And not that I want to Lord over my children and make them do what I want them to do, but just in the sense of like this is going to affect our home. I live here and um, and it's important to to he and I that that our home stays harmonious, and so it's just been so tricky and it's been 16 years now of of all of this and both boys are adults now. So it's like things are just kind of where they're at and they are who they are and doing what they're doing.
Speaker 1:But I have a question for you, though and this might be a really difficult one to answer, with your people pleasing Did you ever try to? It's going to be very difficult way that I phrase it, but there's only one way to phrase it did you ever try to buy the affections of the boys, or the boy when you're with just one of them, in order to buy the affection of your husband?
Speaker 2:I think, um, I think kind of early on, especially with Antonio, there were some things that I did because I wanted to show and prove that like, look, I care about your kid. This is important to me, I want you to like me and I want you to want me around. There was one incident in particular which Antonio still remembers and it's just so funny to me now. But at that time, when we first started, he was six, just turning seven. He was very into leprechauns and rainbows and there had been this really big rainstorm and this huge rainbow one night and I was like I'm going to make this treasure box and we're going to go find the gold at the end of the rainbow. I know where the end of the rainbow was. And so we drove up in the hills a little bit and went and found it and it got his little treasure box and he was like, oh my God, like he's freaking out Cause he was like the leprechaun, like they left a treasure box and and he still remembers it and I'm like, okay, that was kind of cute also, um, but it was just like, yeah, that was like one of the very early on things, but it was.
Speaker 2:And my husband was like you don't need to do this, like it's okay, and but yeah, it was it. It didn't feel like I needed to do that, I guess, in that sense, and so that was like one area where I think it did happen some, but nothing that really like stands out as like oh, that was problematic if that makes any sense.
Speaker 2:Um, it was more just like me, trying to figure out how to fit into their dynamic and feel loved and feel like there was room for me also. But again, because my husband was so open and willing to have those conversations with me, it was pretty clear most of the time that, like I didn't really have to jump through a lot of hoops Like he did, like me, he did want me around I didn't really have to jump through a lot of hoops Like he did, like me, he did want me around, he did appreciate my presence just by you know, I didn't have to do anything special and so I still would do things because that was my, my MO, my way of operating, but it wasn't because that was the only way I was getting affection or attention from from either of them. So I don't think it was a thing really.
Speaker 1:I think it's really interesting, though that, um, as I said, I, when you said way back when about behavioral cycles, I do think we get sent people and situations to try and to help us with our healing, and so I feel I think that's that's helped you in your healing, hasn't it? As you say, with your husband, said you don't need to do this kind of thing, you know, and that's helped you in your healing, hasn't it? As you say, with your husband, said you don't need to do this kind of thing, you know, and that's really yeah, in terms of people pleasing and that being the wound, you don't need to do that. Well, that says it all, doesn't it?
Speaker 2:that's those simple words very quickly. You know, we built a safe space for each other and and we always laugh about like, like, if, if I, if if I met, if I met him in my this version of myself, if I met the him that he was back then, it wouldn't work and vice versa. We always talk about how we've grown so much as people that are are the versions of ourselves that we were back then, when we, when we met, wouldn't work for us now.
Speaker 1:But that's amazing that you've grown together, because so many people they, if they do grow within themselves, they actually grow apart. So that's fantastic that you've been able to grow together.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I it feels, I just all feels very lucky and very but it's been hard fought. It's not like it just happened.
Speaker 2:We've worked for it you know we've, I've worked for it. He's worked for it individually and as together we've worked for it. So it's, it takes effort and it does take. It does take the willingness to. You know, be upfront and out loud about the piece of shit things you say in your head sometimes and go am I thinking about this correctly? Or like, did you mean what you said when you said it?
Speaker 2:Like this, or just calling each other out, but in a loving way, and I think that's where, ultimately, all of it, the healing journey I've been on, the raising stepkids, the relationship with my husband, is, we both have come to this idea that, like I want to say this thing and I don't know how to say it correctly, but like, okay, where's, where's my fear in this comment and where is the love from this comment? And then lean into what the loving piece of it is. And and it doesn't mean nitpicking each other, it doesn't mean like, well, I'm just saying this out of love, like you can say that with anything, it doesn't. You know, you put lipstick on a pig. It doesn't make it not a pig. Um, you know, it's just.
Speaker 2:But it's like, okay, I'm, I was hurt in this situation and this is how I perceived what happened. Can you please help me understand if I'm seeing this incorrectly? And then that's where a conversation can happen, instead of being like you made me feel this way. Nobody can make you do anything. Maybe their behavior triggered something in you that made you feel a certain way, but that was your perception through your own lens. That made you feel a certain way, but that was your perception through your own lens. And being both of us being able to come to that idea or that way of living has really softened the edges of a lot of things in our life and makes a lot of things that used to feel so stressful and painful they just feel so trivial. Now, in terms of like, we can see them differently, and so they don't hold as much power.
Speaker 1:My therapist said this to me years ago. Years ago, when I said well, I, that person made me feel angry and she's saying no one can make you feel anything. Now, although she explained it, I couldn't get the concept and it's only of late that I get it. Now I was talking to my daughter about this and she said but that person was wrong. That made me feel angry. And I said, yes, that person was wrong. What they have done is wrong. They've hurt you in what they've done, but you have a choice as to how it makes you feel. You either detach from it and not get angry and understand that the reason that they have behaved as they have is because of their own behavioral issues. So don't let that make you angry. You know you. You have a choice as to how you feel about it. That's the key.
Speaker 1:We should talk about this a little bit soon, as it is a podcast where I talk to creative people. So I'd just just like to know about your creative work. I know, obviously, you're a quilter. How has that helped you, do you think, in your healing process? Because I know that creativity will have helped you, because it helps all of us. It definitely unleashes something within us, doesn't it? What has it done for you?
Speaker 2:your quilting it has honestly helped me build a ton of self-confidence that I'd never had before. Um, I still waver, I still get imposter syndrome, um, but I have a better handle on coming out of it and facing hard things and trying hard things and, yeah, just learning something new and something that I never thought I would do, because my mom has sewn, you know, most of her life, so all of my life, and it was not something that I ever felt like I could do. And so when my friends held my hand and forced me to make my first quilt with love, um, that's what. That's what it took for me for some reason, and and I think that the way that they were able to approach it with me healed something in me that the way that they were able to approach it with me healed something in me. The way I was able to continue learning, um healed something in me. And I think because of the time that I was learning that kind of 2017, 2018 time when quiltstagram was exploding and there was so much more accessible to being seen and and more modern things to be seen and um, inspiring, you know, to be inspiring I was I got sucked in, so like I want to make all these things like look at this fabric, look at these, you know colors and um, and so being able to continue to make beautiful things that I want to make and knowing that I can learn how and um, understanding more about it, I still don't know everything and it's like I think that's where I kind of hit.
Speaker 2:That imposter syndrome is I. I have a quilting business, but I don't know everything about quilting and that feels crazy sometimes. But but yeah, just the fact that I was like, yeah, let's do a business, let's, you know, start a business. So I started the business with my parents and now I will be, you know, buying them out and I'll be running the business myself and I've started the podcast.
Speaker 2:Thankfully, my husband was like a thorn in my side about it, Like you really need to do a podcast, you really need to do a podcast. And I was like I don't think so. But here we are and just doing things I never thought I would do. Yeah, the self-confidence and the ability to believe in myself. I think that has gone hand in hand with the therapy I've been doing and, like I said, deconstructing those negative beliefs I had about myself from the religious messages that I grew up with. From it, I think really what it's done is just forced me to streamline my priorities and learn how to continue to put myself and my needs first, before everybody else's. And maybe I'm not going to be some huge, multi-million dollar business, but my business is going to run on my terms and how I want to operate, and that means more to me than being so burnt out that I can't enjoy my life.
Speaker 1:That's fabulous. See, once again, it's another thing in your life that is there to help you. I mean, I thought that when you said about with customers setting boundaries, and I thought that's another thing that you're being tested on every day. So that's brilliant, yeah, yeah, but no one has actually said you know, it's the self-confidence but I can see in all the people that come to my online classes and meet at the retreats, that is the one thing you can see in people. It's when a teacher walks over to their work and says I love the way you've put those colors together, and you can see someone's aura light up because they've been given a compliment and they've gone. Really, yeah, I love it. Oh, and it's a fantastic thing to see. It's a fantastic thing to see. So, yeah, I get that. So that's that's lovely for you.
Speaker 1:So, in terms of your forward progress and healing journey, I mean you're well into it, um, and you know, in terms of, it's been years, but we're all. I think we're going to be healing for our entire lives, because there's always going to be a new test, a new thing. We're going to age, we're going to change. Things will happen in our lives which will be difficult. We'll have to go through. So what is there left to do for you, amanda, now? Where is an area that you would still like to work on? Or are you just going to?
Speaker 2:continue working on those core issues.
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, I think there's still a lot of healing to be done on those core issues because they still keep coming up. There's still things that are still sore. You know it's, it's something that the wounds are there, but now that I know that they're there and and can kind of test the depth of them, I can finally make space to let them heal, whereas before I'd get close and then I'd cover it back up because I just couldn't look at it, um, and so I think, just continuing that that work, and just taking everything day by day, I think, sometimes out of the people pleasing, um, a lot of anxiety has ruled my life for a long time and it's gotten much better, um, but still just working through some of that, like fear of the future or getting stuck in the past, and just trying to practice being more present and enjoying each day as it comes, is something that I'm still continuing to work on and will continue to work on, I think something that I'm still continuing to work on and will continue to work on, I think.
Speaker 1:Well, I encourage people to listen to your podcast. It's great to, as you say, for the quilting community to have such a choice as well. There are some people who are like no competition, no, no, and I'm the opposite. I just think we should all share, share ideas, share businesses, share support, because there is enough room in the world. There is enough room in the world for all of us, because every single one of us is so unique. Your podcast is very different to mine in terms of you are you, I am me. It's not going to be the same. So, yeah, it's been fantastic to hook up it really has, and I've loved hearing you talk and you said so many salient things. I can just already see people nodding, going oh, that's me. I didn't realize I was doing that and who knows, maybe some people will go off on their healing journeys.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you never know well, thank you, and this has been really, really great and I've loved getting to chat with you and, yeah, I can't wait to be on the other end, I know, yeah thank you so much spending the time with me today, being so honest and vulnerable which I always say is a strength, not a weakness, um, and I really think that you've given some hope and some faith to some people out there who will potentially have the same issues that you've had. So thank you. Just before you go, lovely listener, can I ask you a favour? If you have a friend who you think would enjoy listening to this podcast, would you mind please telling them about it? It helps me to spread the word and you never know, they might get a life lesson out of it or, at the very least, just have a lovely 40 minutes of relaxing time for themselves.
Speaker 1:The second thing to say is that, if you have enjoyed this, it would really help me if you would give me a little quick like or a comment, especially if you're listening on one of the podcast platforms. It just means that when anybody lands on the page, they can see that people have reviewed it, they've liked it, enjoyed it and got something out of it. So if you wouldn't mind leaving me a review, that would be amazing. And the final thing to say is that if you are a business and you're thinking, how do I get my message out there. Well, you could do it on this podcast. All you have to do is reach out to me, rachel, at breakingtheblockscom. The details are below in the box. Thank you so much to everybody for listening and enjoying and saying the lovely things that you're saying.
