Breaking the Blocks
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Thanks for stopping by! Life is tough, and I think this podcast might offer you some relief. My aim? To inspire you to overcome some of your own blocks through the inspirational, honest, and at times, downright raw conversations with some wonderful guests, not huge celebrities, regular people like you and I. Let’s see how they have overcome the difficulties in their lives and offer you some advice and more importantly hope.
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Breaking the Blocks
From Firefighter to Quilter: Brandy Maslowski's Journey of Resilience and Healing
Brandy Maslowski's journey from firefighter to quilter illuminates the complexities of trauma and resilience. She shares her experiences with discrimination, PTSD, and ultimately, how creativity became her healing mechanism, inspiring others to recognize the strength within their own stories.
• Brandy's background as a firefighter with familial ties to the profession
• The discrimination experienced as a woman in a male-dominated field
• Impact of workplace toxicity on mental health and the onset of complex PTSD
• Deciding to leave her firefighting career for personal well-being
• The transition to quilting as a form of healing and self-expression
• Insights on the importance of support systems and self-care in overcoming adversity
Follow Brandy @quilteronfire on Instagram and YouTube.
Her website is: https://quilteronfire.com/
Hello and welcome back to another episode of Breaking the Blocks. I'm your host, rachel Pym, and it is lovely to have your company. My guest today is an ex-firefighter. Now, I bet already you thought oh so it's a guy, right? No, actually it's a woman and she's called Brandy Maslowski and her handle on Instagram and the name of her podcast is actually Quilter on Fire. But it's interesting that you had that thought that she was a man because she was a firefighter. Well, that's also the kind of problem that she faced when she was a firefighter. But those thoughts, well, they actually went much deeper than that and she ended up with a very complex case of post-traumatic stress.
Speaker 1:Not only is Brandy going to tell you her story of being a firefighter, which was very traumatic for her and not in the way that you would assume. It wasn't down to what she saw or witnessed out there in the world. It was actually how she was treated in the comfort and safety of her own office. Why? Because she was a woman. We must point out that on this podcast, we are not attacking male firefighters. Sadly, it was a couple of individuals who made Brandy's life very, very difficult, but her story is one of also how she overcame this and has now become a very successful quilter and is much happier and comfortable in her life. So I hope you can sit back and relax and, as always, I really hope there's something in this episode that you can take away, something that Brandy has learned, something that Brandy does on a daily basis that might help you to alleviate the stress that you're feeling in your life. Well, welcome to my podcast, the lovely Brandy Maslowski. Did I say it right? Yes, Maslowski.
Speaker 1:Yes, only because she'd been coaching me for 20 minutes beforehand I did. I wanted to get the name right, but of course, brandy at Quilter on Fire is where we can find you on Instagram and I say welcome to my podcast, brandy, because you very kindly interviewed me for your podcast only last week and now the tables are turning on you, so welcome, thank you, Rachel.
Speaker 2:Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1:I first saw you on Instagram, Brandy Quilter on Fire, and I thought the Quilter on Fire was in reference to you being this quilter who was on fire. You were out there, you were doing the podcast and teaching classes and traveling the world and all of those things you do. But it's not actually about that, is it? Or, if it is, there's actually something else that it's about. So tell me the story of Brandy quilter on fire.
Speaker 2:Absolutely so. Quilter on fire is I'm a firefighter and I'm also a quilter, and so, hitting the backstory right off the start, I was a firefighter and I'm also a quilter, and so, hitting the backstory right off the start, I was a firefighter for 15 years in central Canada and that career although I was so proud and so honored to be a firefighter and I loved 99% of everyone I worked with that career brought me to my knees. It literally stripped, crushed my spirit, and coming back from that and moving into a career that I love in quilting, was a real healing journey for me. It was a long journey. It took me a while to get through things and figure things out.
Speaker 2:But, like you said, everyone has their story. I really see that come out every time I do a lecture. I tell my story in my lecture, in my trunk show, and I get such varied reactions. I get reactions where people are triggered and they're kind of like, oh, that was really hard for me to listen to. And then I get reactions where people are like, wow, that really resonated with me and both reactions are really good because people are figuring things out. But yeah, firefighter to quilter, that's the main part of my story.
Speaker 1:Now I'm interested because the first thing I want to pick up on, brandy, is that you said I am a firefighter, but you're no longer a firefighter, are you? You don't do this anymore. So it's really interesting that you said I am a firefighter. It's like it's still within you. So, when you became a firefighter, what drove you to do that Because I feel like it's something that's inherent with you by you just saying I am still a firefighter Was it that you wanted to rescue people, help people? What was it that drew you to that profession?
Speaker 2:I think really early on I had no idea why I dove in. I dove in hard. I saw a newspaper ad for firefighting and I had just finished a degree in English and I had no idea what I was going to do with my life and I just thought, oh, firefighting would be so cool. It would be different every day. It'd be active. My father is a firefighter, my uncle is a firefighter. I had a great, great grandparent who was also a firefighter. This would mean so much to me.
Speaker 2:But all these years later, having gone through decades of counseling and therapy and everything, I realize now that I was trying to please my father, which is really kind of an interesting realization. It's not a bad thing. It's just that my parents split when I was three years old or so and so I never got to see my dad as much as one would like. And obviously, looking back now, like wow, I even became a firefighter to try to get his attention, you know. So that was kind of the thing. And when I got into it, oh, I loved that career Like every minute of that career, was just so proud to be a firefighter.
Speaker 2:Once you're a firefighter, you are a part of this sisterhood and brotherhood and you never are not a firefighter after that. And you know, when I do my lectures I have to mention you know I don't want you to think that firefighters are bad or they're hurtful to women it is such a tiny, pinpointed segment of the population that doesn't believe women should be on that job. You know it's really hard when there's just that one toxic person or whatever. That's what really hits you in the gut right, and 99% of them can be amazing and mentoring and uplifting, but it's those select few. So there's actually a mix of things that really brought me to my knees in the fire world. It was the trauma that I saw in the field at the calls on the fire trucks, and then it was also this toxic workplace that just a select couple of people really treated me poorly. So there were a few things going on there.
Speaker 1:So can you tell me the story then in a bit more detail? Obviously, we've got a good idea there of what's happened, but what did actually happen with those work colleagues then?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So there was a couple of different things and looking back, like going through all this counseling, I always thought, oh, it's the trauma I witnessed in the field and I saw some horrific things and they really affected me deeply and as a result of that I have complex PTSD, which you know. The C in front of your PTSD just means again and again and again. You dealt with trauma so it becomes complex. But the first five years were on the job on the fire trucks and I really saw a lot of that trauma.
Speaker 2:And then the next decade, as I moved into public education, I just worked with a few people who really did not believe women should be on the job and they did not believe I should be senior to them and they did not believe that they should have to work with me and that I should have to lead the way in any way or, you know, be a leader in that position. And there were toxic little things every day, like I would come in from two weeks of holidays and my desk would be sabotaged. Meetings would be sabotaged. You know they would have meetings before meetings to make sure I didn't do well in meetings and there was just. It was the daily.
Speaker 2:I became a person who was 100% perfect. I literally had a perfect desk, a perfect calendar, a perfect everything, so that I knew if anything was out of place, I knew instantly. And I became this person who just was focused 100% on self-preservation, in advance of anything ever even happening. I would arrive at work at 7am, 7.15 and I would just sit in my car. I'd be like I don't want to go in. I don't want to go in, and 10 to 8, I'd be like I better go in, I'm going to be late. So I would just sit there and it was just yeah, I didn't want to go in, I didn't want to face this person or these people and I would see a car in public and it would look like their car and I would shudder. It affected me so deeply in all levels of my life.
Speaker 1:Were there other women in this position in your company, or was it just you?
Speaker 2:Well, there were other women. So when I got on the fire department in 1995, there were 18 women, and when I left 15 years later there was over 30. And yeah, there were women in all different areas of the fire department. And you know, I have to say I so admire so many of the women who have gone through that entire career and fared so well and dealt with every difficulty, and I'm inspired by them and have been mentored by them as well. But there were a select few women who really struggled and their mental health really suffered as a result of it, and it's hard to see that as well.
Speaker 2:I dealt with things throughout my career by letting it roll off my back or dealing with it with humor, and that worked in a grand way in so many different ways. But there were just times when you're just like okay enough already. The ones that were easier to deal with were the good guys who just said a comment that was kind of like you know, do you really belong here? But they're a good guy though and they're just. You could sort of deal with it with humor and put them in their spot, and then they would kind of learn a little lesson and be like, oh yeah, you know I really should, she does belong, you know. And proving myself really helped as well. Like I took every single course. I was like this lifelong learner in there and within five years I had taken almost every course you could possibly take on the side. You know, water rescue, high angle rescue, everything I possibly could. I nailed it and I just wanted, I wanted to be able to say you know, I have everything, I've done everything, everything's perfect, I have every possible thing you could have and I need to prove. You know.
Speaker 2:And once I had this, this captain who came into the hall and I was a driver at the time and he was not used to ever having worked with a female, especially a rookie, you know, I'd only been on a few years and I was driving and he was not pleased about it. And so we were going to this call and the guys I worked with knew I know this area better than any other firefighter and we're driving and the captain's telling me to go a different way and I said no, cap, I know the way, I know exactly where we're going and there's sort of this competitive spirit in the fire department. You have another fire station and you want to get there first, you fire station, and you want to get there first. You want to be first in. And, as a result of this captain telling me to go a different way, we were not first in. So we turn off our sirens, we go back to the hall, the other fire station gets to deal with the call and the guys are banging on the window like where are you going? Why did you go the wrong way? And I'm just like so I got out of the truck and slammed the door and stormed upstairs and the other firefighters were like, oh, she doesn't usually get mad, and they were talking to the captain.
Speaker 2:And then, once the guys talked to the captain, the captain came up to me and said hey, I'm sorry, I was thinking you didn't know what you're doing and I realized I'm wrong. You know this area, I'm not from this area, I should just let you drive. And I was like thank you, this is a great moment. Let you drive. And I was like thank you, like this is a great moment. You know, this is you're appreciating my skill and I know this area. And, uh, never happened again. So you know things like that. You can deal with things by proving your worth and, you know, the guys around me believed in me because they knew that I knew that area. So it's not all bad. It wasn't all, but there were really good times as well.
Speaker 1:It's interesting, isn't it? Because at first, when you hear you talking about the attitude towards you as a woman in the fire department, you think it's because men may be saying to you well, you're not strong enough to lift this equipment, or you're not strong enough to carry someone out of a burning building, but there as you said, it was just about you driving. It was about you know, you choosing the directions. So it is amazing and that attitude is there, but I wonder if it is different now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was 1995 to 2010 that I was on the fire department and you know, there's this interesting dynamic, like when I got on the job, I really do believe that they were looking to hire women. They wanted to have you know, I guess it might be called a few women token women, I don't know. They wanted to have some women for the visual aspect of it, and at that time there was 18 women out of maybe 800 or so. And then by the time I left, 15 years later, there was about 30-ish women out of maybe 1,200 strong. And we're talking about a fire paramedic service, right, and I'm just talking about female firefighters.
Speaker 2:And it's interesting because when I got on the job, I really thought we're equal, women's lib is over, I'm going to fit in, no problem. And I was just so, so wrong. I was so young, I was so naive, just hit 20 years old, and I just really thought oh, I can prove myself, I can fit in no problem. And it just isn't the way it is. There's this deep historical culture of and it's not even just against women, it was it used to be against men who were under six feet tall didn't belong. It was just like this big, strong man culture. I was like the token woman right away that they're just trying to get a few women on the job for the visual and I was like, oh okay, this is the way it's going to be.
Speaker 1:There were red flags, as we say, along the way, which you kind of got over and you got through and you kept going and you kept going. When did it start to reach the breaking point for you? What were the incidents that started happening? That you were like this is absolutely not right.
Speaker 2:Well, I think I always was thinking about dealing with the trauma that I'd seen in the first five years and I was thrilled to be in public education because I was away from that Now I could help educate and prevent people from having to deal with trauma. But what I wasn't expecting was this toxic workplace. And it was great for the first couple of years. It was just two of us and you know, I was able to get along with the first fellow that I worked with and but then later on, you know, there was a guy or two who came in, came and went, who, just like it was I don't know, it was really like a meticulous, purposeful torture. Almost. It just was day after day, the very, very first day that I was working with this person, I was deep into my career. I had a newborn, I had just come back from maternity leave.
Speaker 2:This was in 2002, 2003-ish. I was leaving an hour early to go to mom and me toddler exercise class in the pool and this person says to me oh, you take your kid in the pool and everything. Yeah, yeah, absolutely it's really good exercise and it's great. So I'm out a bit early. And then he goes oh, do you wear a bikini. And I was like, what kind of question is that? Why did you ask me that? He's like, oh, I'm just kidding, I'll bring all the guys and we can all come and watch. And I'm like, are you kidding me right now? Like you see that I'm like what did you just say? And then you're continuing the conversation in that direction, like no, so the first day I met this fella was the first crucial day where we just clashed and it went downhill from there and it's just, it's not, it's not okay.
Speaker 2:It was probably about eight years, into that 10 year stint in public ed where I started to realize, okay, this is really affecting me in a deep way. At the end there, I was 25 pounds underweight. I couldn't eat. I was not really relating the fact that physical illness could come from stress and I had started to go to counseling. And, oh, once that was discovered that I was in counseling, boy, they really loved that. They're like, oh, yeah, of course she's crazy.
Speaker 2:And so those kinds of things happened at the end there and it was so, so difficult to just know that I'm not going to change anyone. So how can I deal with this better? You know, but it just affected me so deeply, like I just felt like I didn't belong and I just felt small and I just felt like I couldn't no-transcript. And I walked in there and I remember this woman just thinking oh my gosh, another woman has come into my office and there's nothing we can do for her.
Speaker 2:You know, and, um, yeah, it was really hard to leave that office knowing if I report someone for something they said or did or implied or whatever that was really sexual or graphic or dirty with their words, then I would be shunned from the fire department. You know, I would be the one who was like, not able to continue my career in a positive way and nothing would ever happen. And it's not a big deal, and no one's going to get fired over it or reprimanded or anything. You're just going to be seen as the woman who don't go near her, and even the good guys would not even be able to, you know, communicate with me in the future. So there just was really no choice at that point.
Speaker 1:How did it end for you then? So you said there that you walked into the HR department because I was going to ask you if you actually made several complaints. That then just built up to one day where you had to leave. Did you just make one complaint and at that point you thought I'm not being taken seriously here, I'm not being taken care of, so you didn't bother making any more complaints. What happened?
Speaker 2:You know, I would say I never even made a single complaint, even though I did go into HR that day. I never lodged anything, filed anything. There was nothing on any record, because I knew that it would be known by everyone. Like, did anyone even see me walk into that office? It was a worry, and so I never did lodge anything.
Speaker 2:And in the end of my career a couple of things happened, a couple of really pivotal things that made me realize I need to walk away. And you know, sorry, it's hard to talk about, but one thing that really happened was I was doing a presentation one day and I had done this one five years in a row, and it was at an all women's school. It was kind of like a you can do anything kind of lecture, right, and I was telling them you can do anything, you can whatever you aspire to do. And I remember the fifth or sixth time I think it was the last time I did it. I remember being on stage thinking am I really telling these young women the truth? Like, can you do anything? Because I'm not doing well here right now? You know, like maybe I made a bad choice, maybe this wasn't the right thing to do. Maybe I shouldn't, maybe I shouldn't have chose this hard path. You know, maybe I should be choosing something easier. And I remember just thinking to myself okay, I am telling them the truth, but maybe right now it's just not the truth for me anymore. And so I finished that lecture and it was still inspiring for them, I believe.
Speaker 2:And then, not long after that, in the last year of my job, I came home from work one day after a very difficult day. I had an altercation with the group of men that I worked with and they had had a sneaky meeting ahead of a meeting and they tried to sabotage something. And we did this whole meeting thing and they tried to get me in this meeting by planning out where we were going to teach a program. It was a simple mapping issue and I was so stressed out about the whole thing and I just couldn't believe that they're actually doing in this meeting what I believed they were going to do. They had just met and made decisions without me, and I got home and my husband looked at my face and he's like, oh, you've had a rough day, I'll go make dinner. So he goes and makes dinner. I go straight down to my studio, which is what I did. I went down and I sewed and I eased my troubles and it just calmed my mind and I just would sew. And so I'm sewing away.
Speaker 2:My son comes in six, seven years old and he says mommy, I want to play clay. And I said something to him, like if I could just make these face masks and these oven mitts and have a great craft sale this weekend, maybe I could just quit my job. That's what I said to my child and he just shrugged it off, didn't know what I was talking about, walked away and then a little while later I'm sitting there in full uniform, my tunic, my tie, everything not even changed. And I'm sitting there sewing away and my tie and everything not even changed. And I'm sitting there sewing away and my son walks back in and he says to me mommy, I made you some money so you can quit your job. He literally went and hand, drew this messy money and cut it crooked and it was perfect. And he gave me money so that I could quit my job and I could play clay with him.
Speaker 2:And so I burst into tears. He burst into tears. He's like why are you crying? I'm like I'm, it's happy tears and we just melted in a pile of tears and we went and played clay and I actually have that in my trunk show. I show the actual little penguin that we made and that was a huge realization. For by sewing or by scrolling on your phone or by drinking alcohol or whatever you're doing to numb your pain, you are also numbing the good as well. You can't choose what you numb, you just numb everything. So I was numbing the good of my family. I hadn't come home and swung my child around, picked him up and hugged him. I had literally dove into my studio and got into that creative mess that was helping me deal with the trauma and I was missing my family. I was missing that part of the puzzle and I was suffering because of it.
Speaker 1:Isn't that beautiful, though, there, that this little boy showed you such great kindness that you absolutely needed from older boys, from older people of the same sex. It was like his, because we we I talked about this in a podcast yesterday with another guest about how our experiences you know, we get hurt as children and then we grow into these adults and we either deal with our traumas or we put it onto other people or, as you say, we numb it and then it comes out in some way. But here was this little boy who just gave you that empathy that you needed, and there was no toxic masculinity. It was just a perfect example of masculinity wrapped in this little person. But how amazing in that moment. So you walked into the office. Was this literally? Was it the next day, was it the next week? Did you have to kind of give? You knew you were going to go, but did you have to give yourself time to say, well, did you just literally go, I'm going, I'm done, I'm done? And what was that moment like?
Speaker 2:I gave myself a little bit of time to sort of figure things out. I hadn't decided 100% I was leaving for sure yet, but we had a holiday booked and I had taken a couple of days of sick leave because I just couldn't eat. I was just so ill, and so I might've even been on a couple of weeks of sick leave. And I called HR and I was like am I allowed to go on this holiday while I'm on sick leave? I don't really know how. And she says Brandy, you've literally taken five sick days in your entire career. Go on your holiday with your family, it's the best thing you could do.
Speaker 2:So I went for two weeks out to where we live now in BC, and driving home from that trip I BC, and driving home from that trip, I said to my husband it's a 24 hour drive. I said to my husband I can't go back to that job. And he was like do you mean like tomorrow or do you mean like ever? I said I can't go back, it's killing me. And he was silent, like for a while, and my son's sleeping in the back and my husband just thought we just silence. And then, you know, finally he just came around and said you know, I would pump gas if we could live in our dream destination in BC, like where we want to retire one day. We want to live a life of outdoor adventure. I'd do any job if we could live over there. So let's do it. And we just decided okay, I'm leaving my career, he's leaving his career.
Speaker 2:We both had 15 year careers. We were halfway to retirement. We were and we just upped and moved everything and it was. It was the perfect age of my son, eight years old, leaving. It was the perfect time in our lives. We just started fresh and we we got rid of physical and mental issues. It was like shedding. We only brought like a third of our household belongings with us and I left, we moved. So I was kind of the straggling housewife and that really gave me a little bit of time to dive into my quilting world full time. So that was kind of the beginning of everything. That's a positive a huge positive.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I'm guessing, then, that the people that were really very cruel to you, as we've heard, or the particular person that nothing happened to them Because, of course, as you said, hr weren't really interested in that time Do you know what happened to them afterwards? You don't know anything about them.
Speaker 2:No, it's interesting because when I left, I left and they didn't even know I was leaving. To be honest, with you, I packed things up slowly over several weeks and I just knew that I was going to be gone. And one day I was just gone and they had no idea and actually the people that I loved, that I worked with, had a huge luncheon celebration with me and the people that harmed me didn't even know about that either, and it was such a joyful kind of quick exit and the people that I loved were, you know, not sad or saying goodbye. They were so proud of me.
Speaker 2:Even my father, like I thought oh my gosh, what is my father going to say? He's going to be so disappointed I'm leaving this amazing career 15 years in, I've got half a pension. I went to my dad and had a nice lunch with him and he said I've never been more proud of you in this moment. You have made a decision that's good for you and your family, and he was so proud of me, so that meant so much. But yeah, I made a quick and hasty exit and I literally have never checked in or heard of or even Googled anything ever about any of these people, and it's been good actually it's very healthy.
Speaker 2:It leads into our conversation about healing. I mean about, you know, forgiveness that I've mentioned earlier in the podcast, because, you know, for so long I've really believed I could never forgive this person or these people or any of you know, I could never forgive any of this because it's a destructive, insidious behavior and it's horrible and it's just about a male versus female thing and it's so ridiculous and like, if you just think about the one thing, like my entire career, I've been called the female firefighter, like, oh, you're a female firefighter. Well, do you think if you walked up to someone who was a physicist or a doctor like, oh, you're a male doctor, interesting, you know, like you would never call someone a male anything. You know they get the right to be called firefighter, just like that. And why don't I get that right too right, I was even calling myself a female firefighter for years, not even thinking about what I am a real firefighter to forgive, to the necessary, necessary task of forgiving, because forgiving doesn't mean that you're saying it was okay what they did, it doesn't mean that they'll ever even know, they don't even need to ever know, that I've forgiven them. I can forgive them so that I can free myself of the torture of that. They have this hold on me so I can forgive them because I know that I'll never change them and it doesn't matter what they do, as long as there's nothing to do with me and they're out of my life and it's done, and I can move on without them having any power over me whatsoever.
Speaker 2:And so that, to me, is forgiveness, because it's nothing to do with them, is forgiveness because it's nothing to do with them. They don't deserve to even know that you're forgiving them. It's just nothing to do with them. It's all about me and moving on and having a healthy looking forward in a healthy way. Something I probably should have mentioned is that when you do forgive someone who you might think doesn't deserve to be forgiven, you have this flood of empathy for them. You kind of have this realization that, oh, what are they struggling with that makes them that kind of person that would harm others, and you have this sense of empathy and you realize of empathy and you realize it's going to be okay. I'm going to be okay without that person in my life and also it gives you a really good barometer for sensing that in other people Empathy is a really good thing when you feel that flood of empathy. That, for me, meant that, yeah, I'm dealing with this and I can move on from this now and I can see where they're struggling as well.
Speaker 1:And, I think, also realizing as well that their behavior is not a reflection on you. So you know they are dealing with their own traumas, which is causing their own behavioral issues, and their crappy behavior is not a reflection on you. It's not because you're a terrible person or you deserve it or you're doing something. It's. You know that behavior that they were exhibiting to you was all their own stuff and stuff that they'd learned or were dealing with, as you say. So it's really important to remember that as one big lesson.
Speaker 1:I have a question for you, brandy. So in the beginning you said I've realized that I wanted to be a firefighter because my dad was a firefighter. But do you think there was anything in your psyche that kept you going through all of those painful moments and you kept putting up with it? I'm not saying you put up with it. Obviously you struggled with it, you fought against it, you tried, but you did stay. You did stay for quite some time, years. It didn't go on for a few months, it didn't go on for a year or two, years and years of that mental torture and you kept going. Why did you keep going? I'm not judging you and saying you should have left. What made you stay in that toxic environment? Was there anything to do with? You didn't want to let your dad down?
Speaker 1:Because another thing that you said, brandy as well, was and I understand why, but I'm just trying to delve a bit deeper you said I made sure I was perfect. I was perfect. I learned everything, I had everything, I did everything. My desk was perfect. I was perfect. Where is that coming from? Within you? Because it's interesting. When I've watched you on Instagram and I've seen your clips and things, I do think there is a bit about you of that that you just want it to be perfect. There's something I can't describe it. There's something that you want to be the best you can be in everything you do, and I can see that in you. So there's a few things that I don't know where you want to start with all of that that I've just said. But that's what was coming to my mind. What kept you so driven and kept going.
Speaker 2:It's such a great conversation. What drives me? I think I was raised really well. So I was raised with my mom and I was at school. In high school I was at school 7am to 9pm doing all the sports, doing all the everything, and in university I played volleyball and there's this competitive spirit and aspect to that that just really really makes you a driven person. But I really really wanted to excel and, attached to that competitive spirit that I had from all the athletics that I did as a youth, you also have this belief in humanity, right. I just believed in the good of people and I just was like I am going to come out on top of this. This is going to be something I can overcome and I can win and I can. You know I can get over it.
Speaker 2:I kind of realized at the end in the last couple of years that I'm not going to change these people. There's nothing I can do to change someone else. And you have this realization that not 100% of the people are going to be kind and good and there's nothing you can do about it. And if you're laboring over that in your head, it's going to torture you and it's going to kill you. In the end, there's nothing you can do about it, and so I just had this belief in the goodness of humanity that the good person will prevail being me, hopefully or something will happen that will turn the tides. But in the end, I had this realization of you know, not everyone is okay.
Speaker 1:What did you have to change about yourself then? Did you have a big moment when you thought I have never really known myself until this moment, or I have to change so much about me Because you said that you couldn't change anybody else. So did you have any of those moments?
Speaker 2:There was a really big moment when I had a realization that emotional trauma and purposeful actions against me that caused me stress could cause physical illness. There was this big realization because I was going to the hospital, I was going to the doctor, I was getting all these tests. I was running the whole gamut of do I have MS? Do I have cancer? What is going on with my body? Why have I lost 25 pounds? Why can't I eat anything but chicken and rice? I literally ate chicken and rice for months and in a cupful at a time, like I couldn't eat anything. And I had this realization when I went for one test and the doctor told me you have IBS and irritable bowel syndrome is, for the most part, like in most, most cases, it's directly related to stress. And I was like I didn't really have that. I can deal with it, I can get over it. I thought I could handle it and it wouldn't affect me physically. But when he made that connection for me, he basically said to me the only way you will fix your IBS is to remove the stressor. I was like what? No, like I thought I I just didn't get it at the time and I started researching and looking into it and I was like, wow, this is really a thing, this is really happening to me and it's not because I'm lesser person or I'm not good enough, it's just the way it works with stress in the body. And yeah, now it all makes sense.
Speaker 2:At this time, when I left my career, I had no idea I had PTSD. I didn't know until at least five or six years later, when I was working in another fire career here in BC. In this emergency management job I was in charge of a number of volunteer fire departments, their training and everything, and I had lost not lost to death, but lost from the department to firefighters because they had seen something traumatic and they didn't come back to work and I was offering them counseling. I was like we can give you counseling, like no, no, I'm good, but they weren't coming back because they'd seen something horrific. So I went to this conference and I thought, oh, I'm going to find out how I can help them, I'm going to do the PTSD training and I'm going to do all the different things and I learned about PTSD and by the end of that presentation I was just like, oh, my goodness, do I have PTSD? Like he listed 12 things that are common for firefighters and I had actually experienced like 10 of them or something.
Speaker 2:And then I went to a psychiatrist and, yeah, immediately he was like oh, yeah, like we were three, four appointments in and I said, like are we ruling this out or do I really have PTSD? And he goes oh, brandy, if you don't know that you have complex PTSD from our first few appointments, then I'm not doing my job, because I haven't really made it clear to you you have complex PTSD and now we're going to deal with it. And it was such a relief. Actually I thought it was going to be a stigma. I thought it was going to be horrible to have PTSD. It is, but and I dealt with it after that, I learned about it, I got educated and I was able to start moving forward with.
Speaker 2:You know, if a trigger happens and I'm on my knees and I'm trying to deal with something that's come back from my past that I've seen in the fire world, then I know I got to go me out. I went to counseling and he was like immediately, like yes, this is a great thing, you've dealt with something, something's surfaced that you can now deal with, and it's really good and I was like, oh so it wasn't as horrible as I think it was probably a good sign, right? So, anyway, there's been so many different things that have happened like that. But knowing that you have PTSD is your first avenue to being able to live with it well, live well and flourish, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I am amazed, brandy, that you went back into the fire service, because when you said you moved to BC.
Speaker 1:I thought that was the end of it, and so I am shocked to hear, because I was going to ask you towards the end of the interview have you ever felt like going back to the fire service to try and work in support of women? Because now we know that so many things have changed in terms of laws. I don't know about behaviors, I don't know what goes on inside, but but certainly on the outside, so many more rights for women and so more awareness of sexual inappropriate behaviors with the Me Too campaigns, etc. So I was going to ask if you would be tempted to go back as a kind of advisor and to help support men and women in the workplace against this kind of abusive behavior. But I just want to go back to the fact that you went back. Why did you?
Speaker 2:go back. You know I was so proud of that job and I really excelled at that job and I sort of believed that it was those men you know, it's a select few people who are toxic and you know I was just so proud I had this history, I had this education, I had this experience and I could really help the community where I lived here. And I didn't go back as a firefighter, I went back, as you know, an emergency services manager type of position, and it was really a traumatic choice for me because almost immediately when I got into this position, we went into emergency mode because of floods and fires that happened here and I had this 24 hour phone and it was just really, really difficult. And after a couple of years that contract ended and I was like, okay, I'm not going to do this anymore. I also had a really great job for three years as an executive director of a chamber of commerce.
Speaker 2:As you probably know, in the quilting industry it's really hard to start up a business and make good money right off the bat. It's taken me 13 years to get quilter on fire to the point where I'm doing it full-time, and it's just been the last few years that I've really considered myself retired from the fire service and working on this full time, and it's such a joyful thing for me to be able to do this for a living and to be able to succeed and have money in my pocket and, you know, actually bring information to the world that helps other quilters.
Speaker 1:I get all this, brandy, I get it. I get it. But there were other things that you could have done, but you went back to the fire service. Now I know it's things that we know, so we go back and do things that we know, but you had had such a traumatic experience. I wonder if there was any.
Speaker 1:There's two things that strike me about you now that I'm getting to know you a bit more, brandy. One is I wonder if you went back to try and exercise those demons. If I go back, it's like when you have an abusive relationship, you get out of that relationship, you go into another relationship and guess what? It's the same. And I think the universe throws us the same lesson again and again, and again until we learn it. And I wonder if there was a part of you that was like I'm going to go back because I am going to fix this. And this leads me to another thing that I wonder if this is a characteristic of yours, brandy, that maybe you're learning to chill a bit.
Speaker 1:I get the sense that you have always been a fighter, a firefighter, but you've always been a fixer, a savior, a fighter. You keep going, no matter what. It's got to be perfect. You keep going, but eventually it's like a nerve that gets so tight that it it you know it breaks down. Yeah, I wonder if that is within you, brandy, that that's why you went into the fire service. You wanted to make your dad proud. But it was like I'm gonna do this, I'm and I'm gonna keep going, and this is hell, but I'm gonna keep going. And then you stopped and then you went back and it's do you think you've always been a fixer? Have you? Yeah, have you found in your personal life that you've had friends that maybe you've tried to fix?
Speaker 2:yeah, I don't know if I generally try to fix friends or anyone around me. You know, perhaps family members here and there I've tried to support them, thinking I'm helping, but really I'm just, you know, exercising my bossiness or whatever. But I think a real integral part of my whole story is my university years in volleyball because you know, I got onto this volleyball team and I was like the number one sub. You know, I was like the fixer, I was like the savior, I was like every single game I was one who came in and saved everything. And you know, I felt like I never got the chance to be the starter in one position. I was the jack of all Jill of all trades. You know, in in all positions I would come in. I was the best in the back row Nowadays we'd call it the libero or whatever but I would come in and I would do the good thing.
Speaker 2:But I would never get the accolades or the position or the starting position, and even at that job for years I would get the lowest amount of money to be a volleyball player and these starters would get twice as much money as me. But I worked full-time, nights, overnight, staying awake, working, and I lived in my own little apartment and I'll you know, someone would come in as a rookie and get twice as much money as me and then be like I'm going shopping and I'd be like, oh my gosh, I got to buy rice, you know, and so that was a really hard time for me and I never, no matter how many times I met with that coach, I never got to be a starter. So that's one part of it, but I think a really important point here is that I never really believed there was anything wrong with the fire service. I mean, yeah, they could have had better support systems for me, like you know, they could have had better HR. They could have had better support systems for me, they could have had better HR, they could have had whatever.
Speaker 2:But I believed it was those select few people and I believed if I go into a job here in BC, they're not going to be here, it's going to be totally different. And now I realize, yeah, there are people everywhere that don't believe women should be doing that kind of job. But getting the job in emergency management, it was the trauma part of the job that really came back to me and being on the phone in the middle of the night with someone who'd lost the bridge to their property and they wouldn't even be able to get because of a flood or all these traumatic things that you're helping people deal with. It all came flooding back and I had kind of suppressed everything. So it's this delicate balance between the trauma I'd seen and the people who were toxic, and I thought the toxic people wouldn't be part of the conversation when I got a new position out here.
Speaker 1:It seems to me like the universe was just sending you lessons. I mean, you said that about the volleyball. You were never recognized. You were never recognized. Then you're in the fire service and you were never recognized. So what have you learned now about that recognition? Do you still need to be recognized, like with your business? Do you still crave?
Speaker 1:Because I think there was something in you that was craving that recognition because you didn't get it in the volleyball. You probably didn't get it before that and you were always craving that recognition and it was never coming to you. And I get that because in my first career as you know, an actor and coming out of drama school, I always felt that other people were getting the recognition and I wasn't getting recognition for what I was doing. And they were getting the auditions and I wasn't getting seen. And it was like why, why, why is the world not working for me? And I think for me it was because I was never supposed to be in that world. I was in that world a trauma response to never been seen as a child. So I now wanted to be an actor so everybody would see me in the world.
Speaker 1:Terrible decision. So I think there was something in you that wanted to be recognized. I wonder if maybe it was something to do with your dad, who was saving all these people, who was this hero and you wanted to be like that. You wanted to be the hero and be seen. I don't know, but it feels to me. You've been striving to be recognized all of your life. Do you finally now feel like you're being recognized with your business and where you are now and working within the quilting arena? Has it changed?
Speaker 2:I think over time and I had this really, really important sort of milestone in my career. I ran Fire Prevention Week every year as a public education officer. One year I planned this huge event For six months. I was planning it. The mayor came up to me. The mayor said to me well done, this is a very nice event. I was like, thank you, he goes. You know what, in fact? No, let's go to your fire chief. He dragged me to the fire chief and he said to my fire chief I have never seen a fire service industry event this well-planned and thought out and executed.
Speaker 2:I was just like I never need any praise again in my life. This was the biggest joy. I was getting accolades from a mayor to the chief, the top person in my department. I didn't need accolades from anyone else ever at that point and I learned to be humble in those kind of moments because I don't need everyone to know that that happened. I mean, although I'm saying it now as a wonderful example, I never, ever, told anyone about that on the fire department ever or anything, because that was my personal private joyful moment where I knew that the people that counted were really counting on me and they know that I did a good job and so from then on I really started to crave those private moments of success and it didn't matter if I was in the spotlight or I got accolades from the world, it mattered that the important people knew. And I sort of believe that if you have to say you're this important and that important and you've done all this, if you have to say it, then no, like people just have to know and understand.
Speaker 2:And you know the moments that are my favorite.
Speaker 2:My favorite are when I've done a lecture for a guild and one person will email me back and say you know, at the end of your lecture you say if there's just one little tidbit that you take away and it changes your day in a joyful way, let me just tell you that lecture worked for me.
Speaker 2:It made me realize this or that, and that is the kind of praise and quiet behind the scenes praise that really lifts me up. It just makes my whole day. You can see I'm still excited about it because it just happened yesterday and this morning. So those kinds of things really, really make a difference for me and I couldn't care less if I'm in the spotlight and in fact people think I'm this extroverted quilter on fire doing the podcast at all the big shows and everything. But there's nothing I enjoy more after a big show than going back and just sinking into a tub and being by myself, because maybe I'm an introvert, I don't know. But yeah, I believe that I strove for that early on. But I believe that over time I realized that it's the quiet moments where people are doing those appreciations that really count.
Speaker 1:Yeah, which is the change? As I was saying, it's that in the beginning maybe you were always striving to be recognized and then maybe you've learned that, I don't know, there's a double-edged sword, but also it's a different way of being recognized. Do you believe it now when someone says something nice to you? Because I'm sure that part of your trauma response and the PTSD made you have very little self-confidence, self-worth, self-belief. So do you now believe it? If someone says to you you know, Brandy, you did an amazing job, you were captivating Do you really believe that? And how have you adapted to believe that? Yeah, that must have been very difficult.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's a famous reporter in the USA and I cannot remember their name, but I was in the US and someone at one of my lectures said that I'm this person of the podcasting world and it was a really big reporter in the USA and they were giving me a huge compliment. I was just like what? But it's just so nice to hear those things and it's a struggle to accept that, to hear those things, and it's a struggle to accept that. But I think over time I have added these things into my daily routine, like a morning routine and an evening routine and affirmations and things like that, like a checklist. I literally have a checklist of things I need to do every day, morning and evening, to keep myself in a really positive trajectory, and the affirmations have really, really helped me to be able to believe what people say about me, good and bad.
Speaker 2:Sometimes someone will say something really harsh and negative and it will bring you down for a couple of days and I'm like why am I letting this affect me? Why did this happen to me? It brings me all the way back to the fire department. Then the next day someone would be like you have literally changed my life. You've made me realize I need to talk to myself better than like, if a friend said that to me, I would never accept that. But why am I saying that to myself, right? So there's different things that can happen positive and negative online. On social media, people can say crummy things, and the fact that I'm dealing with them much better and much more quickly it just kind of shows that I'm growing into the person I really dreamed to be.
Speaker 1:That's beautiful and that's the main thing, brandy, is that you recognize that pattern and you recognize that behavior. And, as you say, I mean I saw a comedian once who said that he can stand in front of his audience and a thousand people are laughing and loving what he's doing, but there's one person in the corner who's not. And what does he focus on that person? Why? Why not focus on the thousand who are loving you right now? He focuses on this moaning mini over here who's not quite getting his humor. And life is always going to be like that and that's what we have to remember.
Speaker 1:There are people I know well. I've been very lucky, actually I've been very lucky with how Crafty Monkeys is received and me. But I know there have been a couple of people, two or three people along the way who haven't quite liked me, and maybe it's because they've seen me as being too loud or too gregarious or whatever. But I just you have to think well, that's that's them. Yeah, we all like different people, we all dislike different people, but there are lots of people who do like me, but I'm very much like you. It's very difficult to take on those positive affirmations. So that is really good to hear that you are now believing and getting over that trauma. Your story is very inspirational, but I sense it's still an ongoing journey for you. So what are the lessons that you still continue to practice for yourself every day, to to keep on top of?
Speaker 2:things. Surround yourself with people who lift you up, and that's really important, right? So it's that knowing if they're bringing you, if you leave a conversation with someone, even if they're a friend, if you leave depleted all the time or they're taking so much out of you or you're feeling drained, then let go of that. Another one is gratefulness. Gratefulness is a huge part. Not only are you reminding yourself of the good things in your life, you're just going over it, you're being grateful for what's coming to you and you're opening the door for seeing that as it's coming in the future. Do the work before you're ready. Before you're ready, just dive into it, because when that fear comes, even if you're just trying a simple, new, artful quilting technique, when the fear comes, that means when you're going to make something amazing. You're going to make change, you're going to strive, you're going to do something wonderful. Just sort of end off this conversation. Amazing, you're going to make change, you're going to strive, you're going to do something wonderful. Just sort of end off this conversation.
Speaker 2:I want to tell you one of my most my favorite self-care tips for the end of the day. So in the morning I have self-care, in the evening I have self-care. But one of my self-care things that I like to do at the end of the day, of course, put the phone away, all those usual things that people would know but there's one called the 10 minute power chore, and I love doing a 10 minute power chore before I go to bed because it's manual. It's a manual thing. It's not on a screen and you're getting something done that wouldn't be done the next morning, and so it might just be your tea area you're cleaning up or something that you've left quickly and run away from. Maybe it's getting dusty in some spot that you haven't dusted in a month or whatever. If I find something to do for 10 minutes before I go to bed the next day, when I'm watching TV, I'm like, oh, that whole TV shelf is all dusted. It feels good, right? So the 10-minute power chore is just a really nice thing at the end of the day.
Speaker 2:If you are constantly caring for other people or worrying about other people, or trying to fix other people like you mentioned earlier, trying to make them better, if you're worried about other people all the time and you're not caring for yourself, then things are going to go wrong. You have to be able to care for yourself first so you can care for others and love yourself first so you can love others as well, and fill your cup up so that it's brimming or overflowing, and then that overflow, that's what you give to others once you're kind of whole and healthy and happy and doing well. So I don't know how profound am I being right now, but you know, it's kind of I'm just telling people what I learned along the way.
Speaker 1:Really, Well, I think there are some fantastic life lessons in there. I think that the chore one is really good because I think in our lives we can become so overwhelmed by not just tasks to do but our thoughts and our lives, and I think actually breaking a chore down into 10 minutes will probably give you the training to maybe break something else down in your life to 10 minutes. So, instead of thinking how am I going to pay off my mortgage in four years when it's finished and I'm nowhere near finished paying it, think about the next month or something that you can do. Don't think about that mountain. I always say it's like if you want to climb a mountain, don't think about how you get up there. Just take a few steps towards that mountain, start a base camp, work your way. You might find along the way that you actually don't want to go up that mountain. You want to go up that mountain. You want to go up a different one. So, yeah, I think I think that's a really good one about breaking things into 10 minute blocks, um, as well as all the other things that you said.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, brandy, do you know? It's been great to get to know more about you. Um, it is really fascinating because whenever I watched you as I said, I didn't I did pick up on this sort of underlying drive and wanting to be the best you can be, which is not a negative thing, it's a great thing. But I wondered if there was something driving it underneath. And when we learn your story that you were not given recognition and actually you suffered at the hands of some pretty cruel people, I can totally understand where that is coming from now. And I think in you striving now to give yourself the best life to you know, really live in your creativity, I think that is you giving yourself the best chance of recognition and you recognizing yourself that you deserve that recognition and that you're doing well. And you are doing well.
Speaker 1:And I'm sure there are bad days. I'm sure that I don't think it's ever going to leave you what happened, and I don't think that we ever fully overcome our traumas and, as you say, there are always trigger points. But my hypnotherapist once said to me when I'd gone through a period of anxiety and insomnia I said to him so at the beginning of our sessions I said so the aim is that when we've done the hypnotherapy I will never have these thoughts again that trigger off the anxiety. And he said, rachel, those thoughts are always going to be there. And I was completely disheartened. I was like, why am I spending this money with you? And he said it's the way you handle those thoughts that will change. They won't trigger that reaction and that's what's happening with you.
Speaker 2:So true, that is great to see. I'll give you a little sort of anecdote or story that my counselor once told me when things surface that I don't want to deal with, I'm dealing with them or whatever. But he talked about cognitive behavioral therapy. Is choosing your thoughts really right? Choosing the way that you respond to an outcome? And he talked about you know, pretend that the thing that's happening to you is in a little raft floating down the river. And he said you can see it coming and you can let it just smash you to pieces. Or you can see it coming and say, oh, I know you, I recognize you, I remember you, I know what's going to happen. I'm just going to let you float on by today and I'm going to live my life and I'm going to choose to not deal with that today.
Speaker 2:And that is such a good little analogy for just how to deal with things day to day, because you're just going to have to deal with them all over again. And it really it brings you to your knees and it makes you think am I the problem? This keeps happening to me? Am I the reason this keeps happening to me? And the answer is no, you know. Maybe you know. It's just. People are different than you are and you're not going to change them, and once you forgive them, then you can move on. That's really all there is to it. There's nothing you can do about how people are going to treat you, except avoid it in the first place. If they're not a good person, stay away from them, and yeah. So thanks for letting me stick that little last thing in there, but it's such an important thing. You get to choose what affects you in what way?
Speaker 1:And um, the outcome is yours to decide. Perfect, perfect place to end. Yeah Well, do you know what my outcome is? That I want to decide? Can we both get on a little raft right now and just float down the river and maybe have a cocktail while we're at it? That would be really cool and we could go down that river and go look at us floating on the river. We were sinking a few years ago and now we're floating.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, we'll have to do a river cruise retreat.
Speaker 1:That will be the plan Brandy, oh hello.
Speaker 2:We are on fire. I know you are the retreat maven.
Speaker 1:Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's bring Canada, America, Europe and us Brits all together. Let's do it. I love it. Thank you so much, Brandy. It's been an absolute pleasure and I can't wait to share this podcast because I think some of the things you've said have been amazing and inspirational. So thank you for sharing your story.
Speaker 2:Oh, Rachel, thank you so much for having me. It's been my pleasure.
Speaker 1:Just before you go, lovely listener, can I ask you a favour If you have a friend who you think would enjoy listening to this podcast, would you mind please telling them about it? It helps me to spread the word and, you never know, they might get a life lesson out of it or, at the very least, just have a lovely 40 minutes of relaxing time for themselves. The second thing to say is that, if you have enjoyed this, it would really help me if you would give me a little quick like or a comment, especially if you're listening on one of the podcast platforms. It just means that when anybody lands on the page, they can see that people have reviewed it. They've liked it, enjoyed it, it and got something out of it. So if you wouldn't mind leaving me a review, that would be amazing.
Speaker 1:And the final thing to say is that if you are a business and you're thinking how do I get my message out there, well, you could do it on this podcast. All you have to do is reach out to me, rachel, at breakingtheblockscom. The details are below in the box. Thank you so much to everybody for listening and enjoying and saying the lovely things that you're saying.
