Breaking the Blocks

Breaking Free: Healing Through Life's Toughest lessons (my own journey)

• Rachel Pierman • Season 2 • Episode 23

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Taking a break between Season 2 and Season 3 to reflect on the journey and lessons learned throughout Breaking the Blocks. Thousands of listeners have shared how these conversations about overcoming challenges have inspired their own growth paths.

• Life inevitably brings pain, loss, and unexpected challenges – our growth comes from how we respond
• Understanding our role in our own suffering is key to breaking unhealthy patterns
• We cannot change others, only ourselves – even after 27 years of asking her husband to quit smoking
• Change requires losing old identities and sometimes relationships that reinforce negative patterns
• Finding inner peace may initially feel "dull" compared to drama but brings lasting fulfillment
• Learning patience for gradual change instead of expecting instant transformation
• Extending the same kindness to yourself that you would offer a struggling friend
• Stop arguing with people who cannot understand your perspective
• Practice gratitude for relationships where you're valued and opportunities to grow
• Let go of circumstances you cannot control and view challenges from a wider perspective

Season 3 will return in September with exciting new interviews already recorded. Thank you for listening and being part of this community of growth and transformation.


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Speaker 1:

This is Breaking the Blocks and I'm your host, rachel Pearman. Now, if you're a regular viewer of the show, you would have been expecting a little snippet there of a voice from a guest talking about one of the challenges that they have overcome, but today there is no guest. Now, don't worry, this is not an hour-long episode of me bleating on, but actually what I forgot to do was tell you in my last episode, which was when I interviewed Mackenzie Thorpe, the artist, that that was the last episode of season two. Season three will be back in the autumn. I'm just going to give myself a little break. It's actually quite a lot of work doing a podcast, because you have to do the interviews, the editing, the uploading. It's a lot and I love it. I love it, but I do have another business and I do need a bit of a break over the summer. So I'm going to take a little rest, but I've already got a good four or five interviews in the bank which you are going to love when we come back in September. So stay tuned for that.

Speaker 1:

But, lovely listener, I wanted to take this opportunity to first of all say thank you so much for being here and also to reflect on the journey that we've been on together for the last year and a half and some of the things that I've learned, and maybe you might have learned some things as well. So, as I say, firstly, thank you. If no one had listened to this podcast when I started it at the beginning of 2024, I wouldn't have continued. If I had been getting 22 downloads a week, I would have thought, well, that's great, but how much time is this taking me and is it really needed out there in the world? But it's actually been thousands and thousands of downloads. But also thank you for all of your lovely comments and emails. You really do inspire me to keep going, and I love hearing how an episode has affected you, how, if someone's talked about therapy, it's now inspired you to start therapy, how someone has talked about the loss of their partner has inspired you to perhaps go out to some groups and meet some new people, or the courage of that person who's talking about their issue has somehow given you some hope that you can overcome those challenges as well. This is fantastic. This is us coming together as a collective and being positive, and the more of us that are challenging ourselves and looking at our own behavioral patterns and looking at what part we play in our own suffering I know it's a bit triggering, but sometimes we do that but also how others have perhaps mistreated us and we realize it's not to do with our own self-worth, it's to do with them and their behavioral patterns. The more that we begin to look at all of this, the more that we begin to assess our lives and where we want to be and where we want to go and how we can change, but also how we can lift each other up. The people who want to give. You can give to and receive back, and that is raising the collective awareness, and I think that's a really positive thing. So you're a part of that by being a part of this show. So I want to say a massive thank you. If you've listened to one episode or I think it's over 40 now of them. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Speaker 1:

So what have I learned from the last year and a half? The biggest thing I've learned is that in our lives, people are going to hurt us, jobs are going to end, people are going to pass away and unexpected things are going to end. People are going to pass away and unexpected things are going to happen in our lives. That's life. I'm reminded now of the Frank Sinatra. That's life, rolling high in one month, down in the next month. What you have to do is be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself and where you are right now, the first thing I want to say is that if you are feeling like something hasn't worked out in your favor and you tried whatever it was whether you tried really hard at the job and it didn't work, or whether you tried really hard in a relationship and it didn't work, or whether you tried in a friendship and that friend just didn't give back to you.

Speaker 1:

Firstly, I think that people and places and things come to teach us lessons. I think we're put on this planet to learn lessons. What else are we supposed to do? Are we supposed to just arrive and do a job and then it all ends and then you pass on? I think we're here to change and to learn and to grow, and if you miss out on that opportunity, I think you're really missing out on one of the biggest gifts in life. So we're here to change, but how do we do that? We change through pain, sad as it is. When things are going great, we learn nothing. But when things are tough, we learn nothing. But when things are tough, that's when we start to learn about ourselves. Maybe what we need to change.

Speaker 1:

And one of the biggest questions I've asked myself is why do I play this role in my own suffering? Now, that's either continuing in a friendship, a relationship or a job where you know that you're unhappy, where you know that you're not valued. Why do you keep accepting that? That's one of the most important questions that I think I've learned and something that my guests have all touched upon in their interviews. They've talked about looking at themselves and growing and changing from an experience that has been very difficult for them. So that's the biggest lesson I've learned, and what's important about that is seeing your part in wherever you are, Because I think sometimes it can be very easy to just blame the other people yes, the other people, maybe the people who are inflicting the hurt but you have to ask yourself why you remain a part of it.

Speaker 1:

If that job is horrible, why are you staying there? I understand financial reasons people have to stay in jobs but why not start looking for other work or why not start to get some new qualifications, like Lucy Brennan did in one of our first episodes, where she then was qualified to be able to move into a better job. It took her a year or two to do this off her own back, but she did so. I think that is one of the most important lessons you have to look in the mirror and take a look at yourself. What are you doing in your life? What can you change in your life? Because I think also often we try and change other people, we try and convince that boss oh no, look, I really am the best employee. Look at me. Look at me. If that boss is not seeing you and you've been there for some time it's not that you don't have any worth or value, it's that they just don't see it. The same with friendships or relationships. If you're begging someone to see your value, if you're begging someone to see you for being you, if you're trying to make someone change, it's never going to happen.

Speaker 1:

It is so hard to change so many years of programming, from when you are very small to the way you interact with your parents or your siblings along the way, with friends, with relationships, with partners, with jobs, with all the things that you've learned. Our behavioral patterns become ingrained within us Now, as we go through our lives, if we are awake enough to realize that those behavioral patterns are hurting us and I've done it to myself for years and years and years. I was a really bitter, angry person that I didn't have the childhood that I dreamed of and, let's face it, it was probably just a dream. I think it was based around the Waltons, so that was hardly realism. But I acted out for so many years and I was so angry and then I realized that all of this was coming from a place of wounding. I hadn't had parents who were particularly emotionally expressive, and that's not to condemn them. It's just the way that they were and that's how they brought me up. They both loved me dearly. They just didn't know really how to show it. They also went through a divorce. They hated each other. I was an only child and I witnessed so much of that and it ended up with confusion and it also ended up with a huge feeling of a lack of self-worth. And that lack of self-worth I carried it around for many, many, many years until only just recently when I realized that I had many valuable qualities and a lot of what had happened to me as a child and growing up in my life was not about me.

Speaker 1:

And as we go through life we'll meet other wounded souls. We'll meet other people who have got traumas often the same kind of traumas as us, but their behavior may play out in a different way and that's sad. But everybody has the ability to change. Everybody can choose change, but some people won't. They don't want to because it's painful. Painful to look at yourself in the mirror and go how am I perpetuating this? Painful to stop perpetuating. Painful to talk to a therapist and be completely honest about what you've done in your life and I say this from experience because I've done the therapy, but of late it's been more self-reflecting. So it's a very difficult thing to do and a lot of people don't want to do it. It's easier to just keep doing the same thing again and again and again.

Speaker 1:

I do believe that when people do that, the universe eventually steps in and it all blows up in a terrible way and you really do learn your lessons the hard way. But that's not down to you. That's not down to you to try and bring that upon someone else because you wouldn't like anybody else to bring that upon you. So don't put that out there. Revenge is not a great feeling to have towards anybody, or bitterness, or anger, or resentment.

Speaker 1:

All we can do is strive to better ourselves, to change our own patterns, our own beliefs, and while ever you stay in a situation where you are lying to yourself, it's called cognitive dissidence and it means that you're telling yourself lies in order to keep yourself in a situation that you know is unhealthy for you. And you do that to protect yourself, maybe because you've been down that road for a long time, maybe because you've always acted in this way. And, as I've just said, it's very difficult to change. But change is possible and there's a horrible lull period where you start to wonder who you are. You have to lose the old version of you. You have to lose the old identity. Some friends will be lost along the way. I recently interviewed someone who had been an alcoholic and he lost a lot of his friends because those friends were still encouraging him to drink and he realized he had to go. So it's a very difficult time.

Speaker 1:

But if you are surrounded by toxicity, if you're surrounded by toxic situations, environments, people, yes, it's difficult at first to leave, because it's all you've ever known, it's all you've ever chased. It's all you've ever been around. But eventually, when that toxicity starts leaving your life and you start behaving in a better way towards yourself and others, the path starts to become clearer. Things start to get better. You find this inner peace that can in the beginning seem really dull. Oh, I'm so dull now. I'm not the girl, the life and soul of the party, I'm not the funny one, I'm not the one who's always in drama and everybody goes, oh, tell us more, tell us more. But that doesn't get you anywhere. That just is toxicity that is killing your soul. So you have to seek that peace. You have to search for that peace Because when you find it, when you're able to let go of so much of the past trauma that you've inflicted upon yourself or others have inflicted on you, it is such a beautiful place to be. So keep learning, keep growing, keep changing, but only yourself. Don't put the energy into trying to change others. Hopefully they'll catch up, hopefully they'll change, but that is not your responsibility.

Speaker 1:

I begged my husband for the last 27 years to stop smoking. I kept saying to him you are a heart attack waiting to happen. And it did. In February of this year he had a heart attack and when the surgeon said the likely cause was the smoking, he stopped smoking and hasn't done since, but he made that change. Me asking him to change that for 27 years did nothing. So it is down to the other person and what work they want to do on themselves to change themselves, and I understand.

Speaker 1:

With an addiction it's very hard. But the biggest thing I've learned about addiction as well is where it is coming from, and my husband, when we talked about why he kept smoking, realized that there was something going on underneath. It wasn't just the fact that he enjoyed smoking he actually didn't enjoy it at all but it was covering up other issues that he needed to look at with regard to his own self-worth and his own values. So with addiction, it's always important if you're addicted to shopping or people or alcohol, whatever it is, it's really important to look at what's underneath, why you continue, which comes back to what I just said there about looking at your part, that you play and what's missing, what's lacking in your life. Why are you pursuing the paths that you're pursuing? Where is the pain? So that's a couple of things that I've learned. So that's a couple of things that I've learned.

Speaker 1:

Patience is another virtue, and I've always been terrible, terrible with patience, always, always wanted to rush and race through everything, and I've realized in life that you can't. There are some circumstances that you can't change. Let's go back to that job reference. You really hate the job. The boss is not seeing you. You know your worth, but you can't leave a really hate the job. The boss is not seeing you. You know your worth, but you can't leave a job at the moment. Okay, well then, start taking those small steps, but that requires patience, because if you just get frustrated and want to change everything overnight, it's not going to happen. So you have to accept where you are. Okay, I have to keep paying the bills, but I don't have to stay in this job. So I'm going to open my eyes, broaden my horizons and start looking at possibilities and looking at where I can change things, but that takes patience. So I've learned about patience. I've learned about addictions and pain. I've learned that you can't change anybody else's behavior, and I'm also learning to go with the flow.

Speaker 1:

And one of the other biggest things I've learned is about kindness. Kindness and respect. Yes, of course, for other people, some people will see kindness and vulnerability as a weakness. It absolutely is not. It's a strength. And if you've gone through life and people have hurt you and you continue to be kind and respectful, then you really are an amazing person because you are keeping your heart open and you are still being true to yourself and kind and respectful to others, and I applaud you, because so many people get hurt and close themselves off and that's never good. So you should be kind and respectful to others, but also you need to give yourself that kindness and respect.

Speaker 1:

How many times have you been impatient with yourself? And I always come back to. If you had a friend who was going through the situation that you're in, would you chastise your friend? I always try and imagine how I would talk to a friend and then apply the same rule to myself. So if my friend has perhaps made a mistake, but she's sorry about it, if my friend is struggling to change something in her life, would I just dice her. If my friend is sitting in grief and a year later is still grieving over something, would I say to her get a grip, pull yourself together. No, you would say, it takes time. Be kind to yourself, do some nice things for yourself. So why don't. We do that for ourselves. So it's really important to give yourself a break. Give yourself kindness and the respect that you would give to others.

Speaker 1:

And the other big factor that I'm learning is to stop arguing with people. I have tried to get my thoughts and opinions across so many times in situations where the other person is never going to listen or understand, because they don't have the ability to understand where I'm coming from. And that doesn't mean that I am right and I take the moral high ground and you should listen to me. It just means that my values, my feelings, my thoughts are not being appreciated or understood by the other party, whatever that is, job, person, whatever and that's not going to change unless they change. And if they choose not to change, then you just have to not bring up the arguments again part ways. Move on, accept it. There is no point beating your head up against a wall and arguing with someone who is never going to understand your perspective. You're just wasting your own energy, wasting your own time. And what are you not being Kind to yourself? Because in a way, the other person can start to make you doubt yourself If this person is not understanding. And I'm really putting this across and nothing is changing. Then is it me? Is it me? Am I the problem? So these are the lessons that I've been learning Self-worth, self-respect, kindness, gratitude.

Speaker 1:

That's a big one. Being thankful for the things that really matter in your life. Being thankful for the people who value you, who offer you friendship on a regular basis, who take care of you, who love you, but also thankful for some people that you have the opportunity to give those things to. Thankful that you're still here on this planet for another day, because there will be a time when you won't be, there will be a time when you don't wake up, or there'll be a time when you know that your time on the planet is coming to an end. So be thankful. Be thankful that you have an opportunity to learn, to change and to experience difficult things. I know at the time it's awful and give yourself the time to rant and to be angry and to work through your emotions, but eventually see it for what it is a lesson. A lesson to help us improve our lives and change and grow.

Speaker 1:

And another thing is to admit when you're wrong. Admit to yourself yeah, that wasn't the best behavior, so we've all made mistakes. But the important thing is to firstly apologize and really mean it when you make that apology. If you're in a recovery program, one of the steps is to make amends to the people who you've hurt, and I absolutely see why that's such a great thing to do. You have to overcome your own ego and your pride and apologize, but don't do it because you want something back. Apologize for how you've behaved and then change your behavior and make sure that you don't inflict frustration or anger or self-loathing on that person or anybody else again. This is all easier said than done. It takes years and you have to decide that you want to change, like my husband deciding enough with the cigarettes because I don't want to have another heart attack where this time my wife and daughter are left, partner and fatherless. That was the universe stepping in. Maybe it would have been easier if you'd done it 10 years previously, but however, that change comes into your emotions, your feelings, your behavioral patterns.

Speaker 1:

It starts with healing work and being kind to yourself as well as being honest with yourself. So those are the things that I've learned myself on my own healing journey in the last year and a half, but certainly through some of the amazing guests that I've had and if you've only just come across the podcast, do go and have a look at some previous episodes, because there are some absolute pearls of wisdom. I always ask my guests for a motto at the end of the show and my motto has changed on several occasions because I think as we go through life, different mottos can really resonate. But my biggest motto at the moment is let go. Let go in terms of the circumstances you're in. If there's something you can't change, let go the fight against it.

Speaker 1:

If something is happening to you that is really difficult to deal with, just let it go and go with the flow. Let go of the anger you feel, because it will eat you alive, and it's like having a poisonous bottle and drinking the poison yourself and expecting the other person who you feel angry with to be the person who's taking the poison. You're just poisoning yourself. Try and be like Charlie Chaplin when he said see life from a wide angle view rather than close up. Look at the situation and what it's trying to teach you. Look at your life from a huge, bigger perspective, because so many things in years to come won't matter. So, lovely listener, I will see you in the autumn with more wonderful guests and life stories and challenges that people have overcome, and I really do hope that you're able to overcome your own challenges, or at least sit in the moment, be kind to yourself and know that this, too, shall pass. Take care.

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Rachel Pierman

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