#81 The Two Types of Trauma (And Why Many People Don’t Realise They’ve Had It)

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If you’ve ever thought, “I didn’t have trauma. Nothing that bad happened to me,” this episode may shift how you understand your life.

In Episode 81 of The Billy Boss Show, The Two Types of Trauma (And Why Many People Don’t Realise They’ve Had It), Billy breaks down the two types of trauma in a simple, grounded way:
Type 1: Things that shouldn’t happen, but did.
Type 2: Things that should happen, but didn’t.
 
You’ll learn how trauma is not only the event, but what happens inside you and how your nervous system adapts to survive. We explore how common patterns like people-pleasing, overthinking, perfectionism, hyper-independence, and shutting down can be a trauma response, not a personality flaw.

If this episode helped you, share it with a woman who needs more self-understanding and less self-blame.

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Transcript

Today's episode has the potential to genuinely shift the way you see your life, and in a moment you will understand exactly why I'm saying that.

We are going to talk about trauma, and I know that not everyone feels comfortable hearing about trauma, but it really matters that we speak about it, at least in a way that supports your understanding, that supports your healing and the way we live our lives.

Now, this conversation is very close to my heart because I'm not speaking from theory point of view. I'm speaking from lived experience. And when I use the word “trauma”, please be reassured that I'm saying that in the most compassionate and empathetic way. And my intention isn't to label you or make you relive the past. In fact, it's to help you understand yourself with more compassion and to give you a new perspective that can change most things in your life, if not everything.

Let me just share this with you:
Maybe you are not “too sensitive.”
Maybe you are not “broken.” 
Maybe your nervous system adopted to survive.

Now, if you ever wondered why you overthink, why you struggle to trust or people please, or why do you shut down or feel like you're always “on” and you can't switch off? Well, my friend, this episode may connect the dots in a way that brings real relief and real hope.

And here's the quick disclaimer: this episode is for educational purposes only, and it's not therapy nor personalised mental health advice. If you need more support, please reach out to a qualified professional. I'm just a life strategist who loves to share life experiences that are relatable in today's world.

Now, if you are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number. And for Australia, that is 000.

And once again, my friend, welcome back to Billy Boss Show: The Pathway to Healing, Self-love, and Confidence through truth, tools, and real conversations that bring you back to yourself. So let's dive into this episode.

So many people hear the word “trauma”, and immediately they picture the extreme the violence, death, tragedy, abuse, war, accidents. And yes, those are real forms of trauma. If more specific, those are real forms of traumatic events.

But a lot of women listening to this will say:
“Well, Billy, I didn't go through anything like this. My childhood was fine. I never had experienced anything like that. And I don't have a trauma.” 
And I hear you, my friend. I really hear you.

But I also want to say this with so much love and empathy. And I hope that this lands for you in a very, very gentle way. You may not have lived through something very dramatic in your life, but you still may have lived through experiences that shaped your nervous system, that shaped your self-worth, that shaped your confidence and your patterns in relationships today.

And I'm going to share with you one thing only today. I'm going to share with you the two types of trauma, and how both can create survival patterns without you even realising.

So, here's the simple way to understand trauma. Trauma isn't the event that happened. Trauma is what happens inside you, based on the event that happened to you, and at that moment, your nervous system had to adapt to survive, to survive emotionally, mentally or physically, to protect yourself. 

So, it is the internal representation you gave at that moment to yourself based on the event that happened. So your nervous adopted to some certain patterns: 

How to rely to some certain things, how to cope, how to speak up, how to trust, how to calm yourself, how to receive love. It's all based on the meaning you gave to yourself from the traumatic event.

Now there are two types of trauma that I would like you to remember:

Type 1: Things that shouldn't happen, but they did 
And this is what most people think trauma is. Those frightening, harmful, destabilising events such as: 

• abuse, whether it's physical, emotional or sexual abuse 
• violence, shooting 
• sudden death, tragedy, serious accidents 
• maybe living with addiction in the home 
• it could be some constant yelling or  
• being bullied repeatedly with no protection 

So, these are the “something happened” traumas, things that shouldn't have happened. But they did happen. And you gave them meaning to yourself for survival based on what had happened. And I can tell you, learning to separate traumatic events from the meaning I gave it to that traumatic event really helped my healing journey. So, in the same way, I'm hoping that this will support you on your healing pathway.

The Type 2 trauma is: Things that should have happened, but didn't.  
So, it should have happened, but didn't. This one is less talked about, but it's so common.

So this includes what you needed as a child that wasn't constantly there, was not given to you:

Maybe safety was not given to you.  
Maybe comfort was not given to you.  
Protection was not given to you.  
Affection, encouragement. 
Maybe being allowed to feel and express emotions was not given to you.

So this is “something was missing” trauma.

Now we have “something happened” trauma, and we also have “something was missing” trauma.

And here's why this matters: 
With something was missing trauma. You can grow up without one single big incident and still develop the patterns of anxiety, of people pleasing, of procrastination, perfectionism, of shutting down or feeling unworthy because your nervous system adapted to what it did not receive.

And I'm actually going to give you a few examples of both types of traumas.

So here's the some examples of the things that shouldn't happen but did:

Maybe you grew up around unpredictable anger. Maybe you grew up in surroundings where it was so much anger, yelling, threats or violence.  
So even if no one called it trauma at that time, your body learned to stay alert and your body also learned never to relax.

Another example can be a painful divorce or betrayal. Or maybe you experienced abandonment where you didn't feel emotionally supported through it.  
What your body learns through that journey is people, they do leave and don't rely on anyone. So, we become extremely, extremely independent later on in our life.

Another example could be a sexual abuse. This is a direct violation of safety, even if you survived it. Outwardly, your nervous system learned that:
“My body isn't safe. That trust is dangerous, and I have to disconnect to get through this.” 

Now, why am I sharing this? This is exactly what I felt in my own journey as a victim and survivor of sexual abuse. I really had to learn that my body isn't safe. That trust is dangerous. So for many, many years, I never trusted anybody and I had to disconnect to get through life. I really had to numb my pain and this can later show up as a hypervigilance. It can show up as a shame. People pleasing. Difficulty with boundaries, or feeling unsafe in closeness, even with good people.

Or maybe you experienced being around the shooting. I grew up in Bosnia. We've experienced war over there. Shooting was present for a few years of my life, and I was shot. So, if you lived through a shooting, this is a moment where life and death felt very close. You don't know whether you're going to live or survive. So it's very, very close to you. And that's a survival event. So that's not a bad day. It's a survival event. And your nervous system learned that the world is unpredictable.

So later on in life, this can show up as continuous anxiety, panic attacks, control patterns, overthinking, or feeling on edge even when life is going well. Or maybe being forced to grow up too fast.

When a child or teenager is exposed to abuse, violence, or fear, they don't get the luxury of normal nervous system development. Everything is going through the speed so your body learns: “There is no one coming to save me. I have to handle it on my own and I have to be as strong.”

So, this often becomes the high independence, emotional shutdown, and difficulty to receive support. Not because you don't want love, but because your nervous system learned that love wasn't safe or consistent.

So I hope with these experiences, with the things that shouldn't have happened but happenned, you can realise how the meanings that we made for our survival at the time can shape our reality today, and that's our patterns and behaviour today. 

There is so much more coming in this episode that you don't want to miss. But first, I want to share this with you. This episode isn't just for you and me. It's meant to be shared.

Now, if something in today's conversation inspires you, don't keep it to yourself. Don't keep it a secret. Share with a friend, a loved one, or someone who needs to hear this message today. Post it. Tag me. And let's spread the love together. Because you never know whose life you might change with just one share.And now more of this incredible conversation together.

Now let's talk about the Type 2 Trauma. The something was missing trauma. These are the things that should have happened, but they didn't.

Maybe you weren't comfortable. When you're upset, let's say you were crying. And mom or dad or somebody said to you: “Stop crying. Harden up. Grow up. You're too sensitive.” 

Now, in that instance, your body learns that: “My emotions aren't safe. I need to shut them down.” 

Or maybe you didn't receive consistent attention or reassurance or warmth. 
So you learned that: “Love is something that I have to learn by being good, by being good boy or a good girl. Love is something that I need to earn by being helpful or easy, or maybe even perfect.” 

Maybe no one taught you how to regulate your emotions and your feelings. There wasn't calm adult helping you settle when things were hard. So instead, we learn to self-regulate, and that self-regulation comes through coping strategies like overthinking, overworking, staying busy, maybe even controlling, and definitely people-pleasing.

And I want to pause and say this with so much love and compassion and empathy: None of these examples that I just have shared with you are about blaming parents or rewiring your whole past as terrible. Many caregivers, they did the best with what they could at the time. 

And let me just remind you that you are also a caregiver to somebody. I am a caregiver to someone, and whether we like it or not, we will leave some imprints to our beautiful children. 

Now, this is about clarity.  

So let's make it clear it's not about blaming. It's not about rewiring the whole past as terrible. This is about clarity. Because when you can name what happened or what didn't happen, you can stop making it mean, “Something is wrong with me.”

And you can start seeing: “My nervous system learned a pattern.” 

So the healing journey isn't about blaming. It's about owning it. And owning it and doing things that you can do now as adult because you have full control over yourself. 

Now, both types of trauma create the patterns of survival. 

Type 1 can wire your nervous system for protection because something unsafe happened, and Type 2 can wire your system for protection because something essential was missing.

And the patterns often look like:

• Staying hyper-independent. And then you hear yourself saying: “I don't need anybody. I can handle this on my own.” 
• Maybe people pleasing: “If I keep people happy, I will be safe.” 
• It can be perfectionism: “If I'm flawless, I won't be rejected. So those projects, they take forever to be finalised and maybe never.”  
• It can also look like emotional shut down: “If I don't feel, I won't hurt.” 
• Maybe we are taking on so many responsibilities. And this is where you say to yourself: “If I manage everything, nothing will go wrong.”

And again, none of these are character flaws.  
They are only survival adaptations. 

But here's the great news. I want this to land for you in your beautiful heart:

Just because your nervous system learns these patterns, it doesn't mean you're stuck with them.

Awareness is the beginning of healing. 
And self-love is often simple learning to stop judging the way you had to survive.

And here's the simple takeaway from this episode. I want you to ask yourself:

Which type of trauma shaped me more?  
What happened that shouldn't have? or 
What didn't happen that should have?

And then ask this gentle follow-up:
What pattern did I learn to stay safe?  
Did I learn to stay quiet? Did I learn to stay helpful? Or maybe stay in control? Maybe tough. Maybe you learn to stay invisible.

You don't need to fix it all today. This is about noticing with compassion.

So remember the start of this episode when I said today's episode has the potential to shift the way you see your life? And here's why:

Because once you can recognise the pattern and place them in the right perspective, then everything changes. This is about recognising the pattern.

So when you can name what happened or what didn't happen, you stop making it mean, “Something is wrong with me.” 

You start seeing the truth. And the truth in this instance is: “My nervous system learned a pattern.” 

And from that place you're no longer stuck in shame or self-blame. You have now clarity. And clarity is where healing and real change begins.

My friend, I hope this episode helped you understand yourself in a new way, and this was my intention today to support you understanding yourself in a new way. And I'm really glad that you're here on my journey.

Now. If you would like support as you start letting go of emotional baggage and rebuild your self-trust and self-worth, you are warmly invited to join the Release and Rise Priority List. You'll be first to receive the updates and details as it becomes available, so we can work together through this very important chapter of your life. The link is in the show notes.

Now, if you have any questions that you would like to ask me or if there is something specific you would like me to go deeper on, I've got you covered. You can also submit your questions through Ask Billy Anything link. The link is also in the show notes. I will be honored to share my thoughts with you.

Thank you for listening to The Billy Boss Show. Your support means a lot to us, so just remember that this episode isn't just for you and me. It's meant to be shared. 

If something in today's conversation inspires you, don't keep it to yourself. Share it with a friend, loved one, or somebody who needs to hear this message. The message of hope, the message of love. The message of healing.

Let's spread the love together because you never know whose life you might change with just one share.

On that note, if no one told you today, let me have that pleasure: You are beautiful. You are enough. And you are deserving.

Until next time, my friend. Stay well and stay safe.