#84 The Inner Critic: How Shame Becomes Your Voice (And How to Change It)

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Have you ever done something good, then immediately heard that voice in your head pointing out what was wrong? Not in a helpful, growth-focused way, but in a way that leaves you feeling smaller, heavier, and like you are never quite enough.

In Episode 84 of The Billy Boss Show, The Inner Critic: How Shame Becomes Your Voice (And How to Change It), we unpack what is really happening beneath harsh self-talk and constant self-judgement. Because shame rarely shows up as shame. It often disguises itself as motivation, high standards, or “just being realistic”, yet it quietly erodes your self-worth, confidence, and peace.

In this episode, you’ll learn:
▪️ The difference between guilt (I did something wrong) and shame (there is something wrong with me)
▪️ The 5 shame patterns (the 5 Cs): criticism, comparison, competition, complaining, and catastrophising
▪️ How to identify your Top C, the pattern that dominates your inner dialogue
▪️ A simple three-step pattern interrupt: Name it, Don’t believe it, Choose again
▪️ Why confidence grows from self-trust, not perfection

Tune in and let this episode shift the way you see yourself. Your patterns are not proof that you are failing. They are information, and they can be softened with the right support.

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Transcript

If you ever had that moment where you did something good and instead of feeling proud, your mind immediately found what was wrong, then this episode is for you. 

Welcome back to Billy Boss Show: your pathway to healing, self-love, and confidence through truth, tools, and real conversations that bring you back to yourself. 

Today we are going to talk about the inner critic, the voice that can sound like motivation at times, but often leaves you feeling heavier, leaves you feeling smaller and never quite enough. 

And I want you to know straight away, the goal of this episode is not to make you analyze your whole life. Instead, it's to give you one clear outcome, and by the end of this episode, you will know what your inner critic's favorite pattern is. You'll have a simple way to interrupt it. 

And before we go into it, here's the quick reminder because this matters. And I don't want it to be confusing. It is usually I did something wrong. And guilt can guide you to repair to do better. On the other hand, shame is there is something wrong with me. And this is about identity. And it often drives hiding, proving, or perfectionism. 

Now here's what many women don't realise, that shame rarely announces itself as shame. Shame often disguises itself as an inner voice that sounds like it's helping you, but on the other hand, it's actually keeping you stuck, keeping you very small. 

And for many women, that voice did not come out of nowhere. That voice has been learned. That voice was absorbed and sadly, it became very familiar. 

Sometimes those voices that do come through being criticised a lot. Sometimes they come through being compared. Sometimes it came from living in an environment where emotions weren't safe or mistakes were punished. And sometimes it came where you had to perform to be accepted. 

So the mind learned a strategy. If I judge myself first, I can avoid being judged. If I push myself first, I can avoid rejections. If I control everything in my life, in my mind, I can stay safe. 

So that's why the inner critic can feel like it's protecting you. But really, the cost is your peace. 

So here's what we're going to do today. I'm going to walk you through five very common ways that shame shows up. I call them five C's. 

Now, in different circumstances you'll hear me talking about three wks. Four wks. In this instance today we are talking about five C's. And I want you to simply listen and notice which one is most like you, not which one you shouldn't do, just which one you do most. Because awareness is the beginning of change. 

So the five C's that we are going to expand a little bit today are criticism, comparison, competition, complaining and catastrophising. 

As we talk through them, I want you to imagine your voice on an average day, not on your best day, nor on your worst day. Just an average day. Just a normal day when you are tired, when you are busy, when you're trying to keep up, when you're trying to do the right thing. 

So let's start with the first C, criticism. 

Now criticism is when your inner voice becomes harsh and attacking. It doesn't correct your behaviour. In fact, what it does, it attacks your identity. It doesn't say, well, that didn't work. Try it again. It says, what is wrong with me, you stupid thing? 

And it can sound like you're not good enough. You always mess up things. You're too much. You should be better by now. 

And the tricky part is, or if I can say, the sad part is that some women, they don't even notice it as criticism because it has been part of their language for so long, and it became the norm. 

It sounds like the truth, but criticism is often shamed trying to keep you small so you don't risk being seen. 

And it affects every area of your life. It affects your confidence because you don't back yourself. It affects your relationships because you always second guess your needs. It affects your work and business. Why? Because you can't finish things without perfectionism. It affects your parenting because you are judging yourself even when you are doing your best. 

So can you see yourself in this? See in criticism? 

Now let's move on to second C, comparison. 

Now comparison is when you measure your worth against somebody else's life, someone else's body, someone's else parenting, someone's else success. 

And comparison can sound, she is doing better than me. She is more confident than me. She has better body than me. She's more fitter than me. Everyone else has it together. But look at me, look at my relationship. 

Or you might even say to yourself, I should be further ahead in my business or in my professional journey. 

So comparison doesn't just steal your joy, it steals your direction. Because when you're comparing yourself to somebody else, you stop listening to your own path. You start performing, you start copying, you start doubting and shame sits underneath. 

And it's saying to you, I'm not measuring up. I'm not enough. To see how shame again has that voice. 

In comparison, the third C, competition. 

Competition is comparison with pressure. Now it's when life becomes a scoreboard and your nervous system believes, if I'm not winning, I'm not worthy. 

And competition sounds like I have to prove myself. I can't slow down. I can't fall behind. I can't let anyone see my struggle. 

And it can look like constantly pushing. It can look like constantly achieving, constantly doing something but never feeling settled. 

And certainly competition can lead to burnout because rest starts to feel very unsafe. Rest feels like falling behind. Rest feels like losing. 

So in here, if you're hearing your voice, I can't fall behind. I have to push through. I have to prove myself. This is again, shame speaking to you. 

So you become the person that competes with others. 

Now, the fourth C is complaining. 

I want to be very careful in here because sharing your feelings is healthy. Sharing what's hard, it is also healthy. But complaining in the context is when you get stuck in a loop where everything is wrong, nothing can change and you feel powerless. 

And complaining can sound like nothing ever works out. This always happens to me. Poor me. Of course this went wrong. I knew it already. I can't deal with this. 

However, underneath of complaining, shame is often whispering I'm not capable, I can't cope, I'm stuck. 

So complaining can become a way. The nervous system releases pressure, but if it becomes a habit, it keeps you in a story where you have no choice. 

And a fifth C, and for many women, this is the huge one, it's catastrophising it. 

Now, catastrophising is when your mind jumps into the worst case scenario and your body reacts as if it's already real. 

And catastrophising usually sounds like if I make a mistake, I will lose everything. If I do this, oh my gosh, I'm going to die. Oh, when I heard that I was shattered, I disappeared. I disappeared from this world. If I say no, they'll leave. If I rest, I'll fall behind and fail. 

This is shame mixed with fear. And it's the nervous system trying to control the future to avoid the pain. Hear this again. This is when nervous system is trying to control the future, to avoid the pain. 

And catastrophising really affects everything. It affects your sleep, your health, your decisions, your relationships because you are living in anticipation, not in present. 

I want you to pause and answer this honestly. Out of the five C's, criticism, comparison, competition, complaining, and catastrophising, which one is your top C? 

And let's be quite honest, in here we all have that internal dialogue of criticism. At some stage in your life, you found yourself that you are comparing yourself to somebody else. No doubt you also found yourself that you are complaining about something or someone or catastrophising. So we all at some levels experience these five C's. 

But which one is your top C? Think about what drains you the most. Is it the harsh inner voice which is criticism? Is it the scroll and self-doubt which is comparison? Is it the pressure to prove which is competition? Is it the powerless negative loop which is complaining? Or is it the worst case spiral which is catastrophising it? 

Now here's the next question, and I really want you to imagine this. If you stopped feeding your top C, what would become possible for you. 

Let's say if you stopped feeding competition, what would be possible for you? What would you have energy for? What would you start? What would you finish? What boundaries would you set? What truths would you speak? What would you create? 

Because the five C's, they don't just affect your mood. They shape your choices. And your choices shape your life. No doubt you've heard that before. 

So let's make this very practical. Here's your little simple reset that you can walk away today and apply it right away. And you can change the patterns of your top C or any C that you come across. 

And the simple reason is, name it. Don't believe it. Choose again. Name it. Don't believe it. Choose again. 

So when you notice your topsy in the moment, do this. 

First, name it. Name it what it is. Is it criticism? Is it comparison? Is it catastrophising it? So name it what it is. 

The second step is, don't believe it. So say to yourself, this is shame. Trying to keep me safe. This is an old pattern, not the truth. So name it. Don't believe it. 

And the third, choose again. Choose one replacement sentence that you can believe on a hard day. Not the perfect affirmation, only true sentence. 

And that true sentence can sound like I'm learning. I am safe to be imperfect. I'm listening now to Billy Bob's podcast and I'm learning this. I'm going to apply it. 

So this is choosing new sentence. Replacement sentence. I can handle this one step at a time. I don't have to prove my worth. 

So it's not a perfect affirmation. It's just a true sentence that you are believing in it. 

Then take one small action from self respect. One message, one boundary, one breath, one step. Not to be perfect, but to build self trust. 

Because confidence is not a personality trait. Confidence is the result of self-trust and the self trust is built when you keep showing up for yourself, when you keep showing up for yourself gently and consistently. 

So here's your practice for this week. Once per day, catch your autopsy just once. Name it. Don't believe it. Choose again. 

And my friend, if you want deeper support as you let go of emotional baggage and rebuild self-trust and self-worth, you are warmly invited to join the Release and Rise priority list. You will be the first one to receive all the updates and details as it becomes available. The link is in the show notes. 

And if you have a question that you would love me to answer on the podcast, we've created Ask Billy Anything. Submit your questions through the link again in the show notes, my friend. 

As always, I'm so grateful that you are here in the hope that you can take one simple thing from each episode and apply in your life. This is exactly what I have been doing in my journey for over the last ten years. 

I made a commitment to myself that I will do one little thing daily that will benefit my life moving forward. So I wish the same for you, and this gives me pleasure to be here and share my knowledge with you. 

Now remember, this episode is not only for you and I. If you know someone that will benefit from this episode, please share it. You never know whose life you're going to change. 

And remember that the truth will set you free. Until next time, stay safe and stay well. Remember that you are enough and you are deserving the best. 

I would love to hear your thoughts. Tag me on social media when you share this episode and let me know what resonated with you. When we share this message, we help create a ripple effect of positive change.