#98 The Greatest Gift You Can Give Your Children Is Your Healing

Have you ever heard your own tone in a parenting moment and felt your heart sink because it sounded painfully familiar? Maybe it sounded like the parent you promised yourself you would never become, or maybe it felt like an old wound speaking before you had time to pause. Pain that is not healed often gets passed on, not because you do not love your children, but because unhealed wounds can quietly shape your reactions, your words, your fears, and the emotional safety of your home.

In Episode 98 of The Billy Boss Show, The Greatest Gift You Can Give Your Children Is Your Healing, we explore generational healing for parents, conscious parenting, and the powerful gift of healing childhood wounds so you can stop repeating patterns you never wanted to pass on. This is not about shame. It is about awareness, love, and choosing differently for your children and the younger version of you who needed safety too.

Tune in to hear all of this and more:

[00:00:00] - Welcome
[00:01:19] - Why This Episode Is for Parents
[00:01:57] - The Greatest Gift You Can Give Your Children
[00:02:12] - Why Unhealed Pain Often Gets Passed On
[00:02:46] - Pain Travels Through Generations Until Someone Heals It
[00:03:48] - This Is Not About Guilt or Shame
[00:05:23] - Raising Children While Carrying Childhood Wounds
[00:07:19] - When You Repeat What You Promised You Never Would
[00:09:38] - Passing On the Effects of Trauma, Not Just the Trauma
[00:13:05] - Why Healing Makes You a More Conscious Parent
[00:17:17] - Five Practical Steps to Begin Healing
[00:23:20] - Moving from Shame to Awareness and Change

To explore this message more deeply with added reflection and support, visit the blog article at www.billyboss.com/98

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Transcript

Welcome

Billy Boss 0:00

Welcome back to the Billy Boss Show, the pathway to healing, self-love and confidence. I'm your host, Billy Boss, and if this is your first time joining me, welcome. I truly believe there is a reason you found this episode today, and I hope this conversation meets you exactly where you are. This show is for you if you are on a personal growth journey, looking for the ways to rebuild your self-worth and confidence. In here, we do talk so much about the survival patterns, our subconscious mind, and we also share tips and strategies how we can be more, do more for ourselves, and certainly have more. Have more laughter, live that beautiful, joyful, happy life. So you can find all of that on the Billy Boss Show. If you haven't done so, please make sure to follow us and subscribe to the Billy Boss Show so that way you don't miss an episode. And if this podcast has supported you in a way, I would be so grateful if you left us a five-star review. Your support certainly means so much to us, to our show, and it certainly helps us reach more people who need this type of conversations.

Why This Episode Is for Parents

Billy Boss 1:19

New episodes are released every Tuesday. And today's episode is for parents. And I'm so sorry if your first time here with us and you're not a parent. But if you're planning to be a parent or if you're just about to be a parent, please stay with us. Because what I want to talk about today is one of the most important responsibilities and also one of the greatest gifts that we as a parent can give to our children. And that is our own healing. So one of the greatest

The Greatest Gift You Can Give Your Children

Billy Boss 1:57

things that you can do for your child, for your beautiful children, and certainly for yourself, is to heal what is still hurting within you. Because whether we like it or not, pain that is not healed

Why Unhealed Pain Often Gets Passed On

Billy Boss 2:12

often gets passed on. Hear me again. Pain that is not healed often gets passed on. And that is not always in the obvious way so we can see what we are really doing. This is not always intentional either, but through our reactions, through our fears, it can also be passed on through our anger, our words, our coping patterns, our emotional triggers, and the parts of us that we never stopped to examine.

Pain Travels Through Generations Until Someone Heals It

Billy Boss 2:46

No doubt you have heard that pain travels through generations. But how about we come from the angle that pain travels through generation until the word until is very powerful, until someone has the courage to feel it, to face it, and to heal it. And maybe that someone is you. Certainly in my own generational pain, I was that black sheep of the family to step up, to feel it, to face it, and to do my best to heal it. And before we go any further, I want to share that this episode is here to empower you to become aware what as a parent you are doing or not doing, and how as a parent we can become better. Can we heal any part of us to benefit our beautiful children? This episode is not here to make you feel guilty.

This Is Not About Guilt or Shame

Billy Boss 3:48

It's not here to shame you. And it's certainly it's not here to tell you that you have failed. In fact, it is here to empower you. Maybe you are listening right now and part of you is already thinking, maybe I haven't been the parent I wanted to be. Maybe I haven't been that parent that really my child would love me as a parent. Now, if that thought is coming up, please let me gently stop you there and hear me out. You have done the best you could with the awareness that you've got, with the tools that you've got, and certainly with the emotional capacity you had at the time. And if you're now becoming aware that there is room for healing, room for growth, or room to do things differently, well, that is not failure. In fact, that is the wisdom, that is the courage, and certainly that is love. It is not too late for you and it is not late for your child. So let's hold this conversation as an invitation into awareness and let's hold this conversation as an invitation to non-self judgment. So say yes, I agree so we can go further. So I hope you did say yes, I agree. So why did I wanted to share this with you? Why this particular story episode?

Raising Children While Carrying Childhood Wounds

Billy Boss 5:23

Well, because this was me. Wounded mother. And I was raising my child carrying so many deep wounds. Many of us are raising children while still carrying the wounds of our own childhood, wounds from being criticised, wounds from being feeling unseen, wounds from emotional neglect, wounds from chaos, invisibility, fear, maybe wounds from rejection or abandonment or shame, or even harsh words that stayed with us for as long that anyone realised. And because life is so busy and parenting, it's demanding. We can't pause the parenting. We often try to keep moving as though those wounds no longer matter. We tell ourselves that we are coping, that we are fine, we tell ourselves that the past is behind us. It does not affect the present. We tell ourselves that because we are doing better than our parents did, that must mean the pain is gone. But pretending that none of these things are there doesn't heal. Pain that is not felt, it doesn't simply disappear. It's still there. Wounds that are not acknowledged do not simply fade because we became an adult. Because we are now in our 30s, forties, or fifties. That doesn't mean that they're not there. They often stay in the body. No doubt you have heard the saying that body keeps the scores. And it certainly does. I've experienced on my own body, in my own skin. It is in the nervous system, it is in our triggers, it is certainly in our relationships. And yes, it is in the way how we parent our beautiful children.

When You Repeat What You Promised You Never Would

Billy Boss 7:19

And at times, this can be so difficult truth to face. Because I think many of us had moments where we were younger and we said to ourselves, I will never ever treat my child the way I was treated. Yes, oh yes. I think I'm even hearing some of you saying, Well, I said these exact words. Maybe you even said to yourself, I would never do what my mother did. Or my father, I'll never do what my father did. And yet later, in the pressure of real life, in the moments of overwhelm or exhaustion or stress or frustration or even emotional flooding, we sometimes catch ourselves doing the very things that we promised ourselves that we'll never do it as a parent. Maybe it comes up in your tone, the way how you speak, maybe it shows up in how quickly you shut down, maybe it shows up in the anger, maybe it is in emotional absence or maybe controlling behavior. Maybe it is in the words you use when you are overwhelmed. And when that happens, it can be deeply confronting. And I know this because I have experienced it too. There have been moments where I have heard myself speaking and thought, that sounds exactly like my mother. Day to day I catch myself. Or I have also noticed a reaction in me and realised, well, that is exactly the kind of response I promised myself I would never do it, or I will never repeat. And even if I was not repeating everything exactly as it happened to me, I still could see how the pain I had not fully healed was showing up through me. And this is not because I wanted to harm the relationship with my child or not because I did not love deeply, but because unhealed pain has a way of speaking when we are not conscious of it. And this is what so many people, in fact, so many parents, they do not talk about it enough.

Passing On the Effects of Trauma, Not Just the Trauma

Billy Boss 9:38

You don't have to intentionally pass something on in order to pass it on. Sometimes what gets passed on is not the exact trauma itself, but it is the effect of it. Meaning that your child doesn't have to go through what you already have gone through. They don't have to experience the same type of trauma. Or you are not treating your child the way you have been treated, but the effect of such a trauma, if unhealed, gets passed on to our kids. And that could be passed on through the anger that you never processed. It can also be passed down through the fear, it can also be passed down through the shame that you never released, or the grief that you never had space to heal. It could also be passed down through the scarcity that you learn, the perfectionism you internalise, the belief that love must be earned. It can certainly be passed down through the belief that emotions are too much, or the belief that safety comes from staying small. So even if you say, I would never pass trauma onto my child or children, it is still worth asking. Am I wounds shaping the emotional environment my children are growing up in? Am I wounds shaping the emotional environment that my children are growing up in? Because stored anger can be passed on, fear can be passed on, people pleasing can be passed on. Perfectionism certainly can be passed on, shame can be passed on. Emotional suppression can be passed on, not in intentional way. Even the language we grew up hearing can quietly become the language that we do use with our own children. And those phrases can be stop being so sensitive, you're too much, don't cry, boys don't cry. Because I said so. How many times I go to do some shopping and I hear mom say, Because I said so or stop crying, what's wrong with you? You always do whatever that is. You never do whatever that is. Sometimes we repeat these things not because they reflect who we truly are, but because they were spoken into us so often that they really feel familiar or they become familiar to us. And familiarity is so powerful. We somehow always go back to what is familiar. If you're craving even more inspiration and real talk to fuel your confidence and success, I've got something special for you. Make sure you join my weekly dose of love. It's feel good email that lands in your inbox every Tuesday, packed with motivation, mindset tips, and tools to help you thrive in life and business. You can sign up at billyboss.com or simply click the link in the show notes wherever you're listening to this episode. Go on, give yourself that little boost of love each week because you deserve it. If fear was

Why Healing Makes You a More Conscious Parent

Billy Boss 13:05

normal in our home, what happens? You may parent from fear. If criticism was normal, well, you may become critical. If control was normal, you may become controlling. If emotional safety was absent, then you may struggle to create that emotional safety for your child. And this is why healing could be the best gift that you can give to your child, because your healing is not just about you. It is about your beautiful children and also people around you. It is also about any relationships that we are having and nurturing and growing. It is about what stops with you. It is about what softens with you. It is about what becomes safer or healthier or more loving because you chose to face what others may never have faced. And again, I would like to repeat this that healing yourself is one of the most loving things that you can do for your children, for your child. And this is not because it will make you perfect parent, perfect mom or perfect dad, not at all. But because it will make you one conscious parent. It will make you one conscious mom or conscious dad. A parent who pauses before reacting. A parent who reflects instead of repeats. A parent who apologises when that is needed. It's about becoming that parent who takes that responsibility, a parent who doesn't expect their child to carry their pain that belongs to them, a parent who is willing to say, Well, this pain ends with me. So all of this, it's not for the sake of becoming perfect mom or dad, perfect parent, not for that reason, but to become more conscious. And I can share this from my personal experience. I have had to work consciously on breaking patterns of my own fear, of my own hurt, of my own anger, guilt, and shame with myself. And day to day, again, I catch myself that I will share something with my daughter or do something, and my own fear is getting projected on my beautiful girl. And when I do catch myself, I will even say to her, sweetheart, mommy's just talking based on her fears. Please don't take anything what I just said, but just you know, be aware. And from my own journey, healing did not mean that I never got triggered. Oh my goodness, welcome to my world if you get triggered. I do get triggered, but healing meant that I became more aware. I became more aware of what is happening inside me, what's going on around me, aware of what I was carrying. It's also becoming aware of when I was reacting from an old wound instead of the present moment. And that awareness changes many things, if not everything. And everything starts with awareness because children, they do not need perfect parents. We somehow have that idea that I have to be a perfect parent. Children, they do not need a perfect parent. Instead, they need a parents who are present, who are there for them. Parents who create that safety for children, the safety environment, safety within themselves. Children, they need parents who can model that accountability, model the emotional honesty, and parents who can repair. When something goes wrong, children need parents to invest time in that repair. Now, if you are a parent who is listening to this episode and you feel that, yes, I can do a little bit better, or I can change some certain things, maybe tweak a few things for better upbringing for my own beautiful children, or even for yourself. Here are a few practical steps that I'm going to share with you that you can begin healing what might otherwise be passed on.

Five Practical Steps to Begin Healing

Billy Boss 17:17

So, first step that you can start practicing is notice your triggers. So start paying attention to what triggers you the most, what activates you the most, what really kicks you in that spiral. And then you can ask yourself, when do I react most strongly to my child? What behavior triggers me the most? What do I feel in my body in those moments? And what does this remind me of? So if we pause and start really diving into these questions, no doubt you will start figuring out what is it that you react the most, what are those behavioral triggers, what is it that you do feel in your body in such a moment, and what does that really remind you of? And often the intensity of the reaction is not only about the present moment, it is also about something old being touched. And when something old has been touched, that means there is still wound or open wound there, unhealed wound. So notice your trigger. Then step two, pause before you project. When you feel triggered, when you feel activated, it's time to pause. It's time to take a deep breath, then maybe another breath, then another breath. And this is only a couple of seconds, not half an hour. Just enough time to create that tiny space in between, between trigger and reaction. And then you can ask yourself, what is actually happening here? And what am I making it mean? So really to reflect what's really happening here right now and what am I making it mean? Nothing has the meaning until you put the meaning to it. So what meaning are you creating? A child being loud, a child being upset or messy or emotional may simply be a child being a child. But to unhealed part of us, this may mean threat. It can also mean maybe disrespect, failure, or loss of control. So the step two is to pause before you project. That pause can change many things and it's very, very powerful. Created space in between. Step three is to repair quickly and honestly. Now, if you as a parent do react in a way that doesn't feel aligned, well, there's time to repair it. Maybe you can say, Well, I'm so sorry for how I spoke to you. That was not your fault. You can say, Well, I was overwhelmed, but you didn't deserve that. So, whatever situation you find yourself in, that maybe you said something that was not aligned, it's very important to find that time and to repair with our beautiful children. So, repair teaches children that love and accountability can exist together. And that brings us to step four. Listen to your language. It's very important to pay attention to the words coming out of your beautiful mouth. You need to ask yourself, whose voice is this? Is it truly mine, or is it something I heard over and over as a child? Maybe this is the time where you really need to pay attention. Is this your voice? Or are you repeating your mom's voice, your father's voice, your caregiver's voice? Language shapes identity. The words your child hears repeatedly may one day become their inner voice. So language that we use towards our children matters. So listen to your language. And step number five, it's something that I took on board. Get support for your own healing. Honestly, when I remembered the way how I was doing my parenting, if this was episode to really make you judging yourself or make you shameful, I can do that so well for myself. So what I needed to do first, it's really to get some support of my own healing in order for me to become a better parent. So please do not try to carry your load of your wounds alone. Support may look like a therapy, support may look like coaching or journaling or breath work, maybe somatic healing, maybe prayer, support groups, or trauma informed spaces. Now, all of These that I just shared with you, therapy, coaching, journaling. I've done it all. Journaling actually created my autobiography. Breath work, I did, somatic healing, I did, prayer, I did, support groups. Yes, I did. Trauma-informed spaces, yes, I did. Your healing really matters. Not because you are broken or something is wrong with you, but because you deserve peace. And more importantly, you deserve that inner peace. When people talk about success, we all have different meanings of success. But success to me, it's truly having that inner peace, especially knowing where I came from, from what chaotic upper-bringing. So you deserve that inner peace. And your children deserve a version of you as a mom, as a dad, that is not constantly being run by survival mode, but by the peace within. And to all beautiful parents who might be listening to this right now and maybe feeling a little bit emotional right now, please be gentle with your amazing selves. Maybe this episode is bringing up moments you wish you could do differently. Maybe it is making you think about times you were reactive, or maybe the times when you shut down, or unavailable for your children, or maybe harsh or overwhelmed.

Moving from Shame to Awareness and Change

Billy Boss 23:20

Guilt is only useful if it leads to awareness and change. Shame will always keep you stuck. You cannot change what happened yesterday, but you can bring more consciousness to today. And that's what's really important. Your children, they don't need a parent who never gets it wrong, but they certainly need a parent who is willing to grow, who is willing to look inward, who is willing to be brave enough to heal, and certainly a parent who understands the love is not only about providing and protecting. In fact, love is also about becoming, becoming more aware, becoming more emotionally safe, becoming more honest and transparent, and becoming the person who no longer passes down pain simply because pain was passed down to them. This is generational healing, and this is sacred work. And this is sacred work. So if there is one thing that I want to leave you today with as a mom, as a friend, as a parent, it's this. One of the greatest gifts that you can give to your children is your healing. Because pain travels through generations until, until someone has the courage to feel it, face it, and heal it. And maybe that someone special is your.