What is Brain Based Parenting?!?!?!?

Ever wonder how our brains impact the way we parent? Distinguished experts from Cal Farley's  Boys Ranch, Joshua Sprock, Michelle Maikoetter, Suzanne Wright, and Mike Wilhelm, join us today to illuminate this fascinating subject. Together, we explore the intricacies of brain-based parenting, emphasizing how crucial it is to be purposeful, empathetic, and patient in fostering relationships with our children. Discover how trauma can shape a child's developing brain and how understanding these brain processes has revolutionized our approach to child care.

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Transcript

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Brain-Based Parenting and Boys Ranch

Speaker 1 0:02

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting , the Boys Ranch podcast for families . We all know how hard being a parent is and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling . Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions , utilizing the knowledge , experience and professional training Cal Farlies Boys Ranch has to offer . Now here is your host , cal Farlies staff development coordinator , joshua Sprock .

Speaker 2 0:36

Welcome everyone and thank you for joining us today as we launch into this new adventure . This is our first episode and we're so excited for you to join us on this journey . Today , we will introduce you to just what exactly is brain-based parenting and what is Boys Ranch . To do that , I'm joined today by Michelle Mike-Hetter , our chief program officer . Hey y'all . Suzanne Wright , our vice president of training and intervention .

Speaker 2 0:58

Hi and Mike Wilhelm , our senior chaplain . Howdy everybody . So , to start , each week we're going to begin our discussion by asking the panel a question of the day . These questions will hopefully be a fun way to get to know us better . So are you guys ready for our hard hitting , deep question ? Yes , sir , go ahead . So today's question is what is your favorite flavor of ice cream ?

Speaker 4 1:26

Mine has to be chocolate chip cookie dough .

Speaker 2 1:28

It's pretty good .

Speaker 3 1:30

I love mint chocolate chip .

Speaker 5 1:32

I'm feeling very I don't know feeling kind of marginalized on this question because I don't eat ice cream . I've had to cut out sugar and all the fun stuff , so I can't eat ice cream , and then you just kind of throw it up and put it in my face , josh .

Speaker 4 1:50

So I ask him that Italian ice ? What about Italian ice ?

Speaker 5 1:53

No , no , I don't , but my dad's favorite was chocolate marshmallow . When I was a kid , I used to like eating chocolate marshmallow . So there you go . I guess that's it . I haven't had it for years . Dang , I feel that is that's rough .

Speaker 4 2:08

I know it . I feel bad now .

Speaker 5 2:10

Suzanne , you don't feel bad , do you ?

Speaker 3 2:12

No .

Speaker 5 2:12

No .

Speaker 2 2:14

More ice cream for me More for you All , right . Well , let's jump into our topic today . So I'm guessing one of the biggest questions many of our listeners has right now is just what is Cal Farlies Boys Ranch so panel ? What is Cal Farlies Boys Ranch Such a ?

Speaker 4 2:29

big question . So Cal Farlies Boys Ranch is a residential community out 36 miles north of Amarillo , texas , where we take kids who , for whatever reason , can't live with their families and try to support them and their families , just to help them with any challenges they might have and to give them some support while they're going through hard times . We don't take any funding from parents . We are all funded by some wonderful donors and kids and families utilize this for as long as they need to . Sometimes that's for a couple of years , sometimes that's for several years , just depending on their life circumstances .

Speaker 5 3:07

When people ask Michelle , you always use the term unicorn right .

Speaker 4 3:11

Yeah , you haven't used that before . No , why do you ?

Speaker 5 3:12

call it unicorn , so unicorn .

Speaker 4 3:14

Because we're not just a building or , you know , an office . We're an entire community . So we have a post office and we have a chapel and we have our own school on site , and so it's an entire small town built just to support kids and families .

Speaker 5 3:29

I like that word . Do you don't you like that word ? I do like that .

Speaker 4 3:33

Because , we're special .

Speaker 3 3:34

Also , if you ever have the opportunity to come out and visit our campus , we provide tours , but it really is an oasis out here in the middle of the Texas Panhandle . When you turn on to our campus , it's green and it's just such a pretty peaceful place for both staff and children to live .

Speaker 5 3:52

Yeah , I like unicorn because most people might think of residential childcare and that we're a facility that sounds , you know , different things come to mind . It's kind of cold and you think of just a cold building and fluorescent lights , but we're a town that takes care of kids and a real town and old fashioned , nostalgic , community , price centered presence and but yet with cutting edge child trauma , informed childcare science in place . So it's that we are . I think unicorn is a perfect word for that .

Speaker 4 4:30

Yeah , yeah . And when you talk about you know how do you raise healthy kids . You surround them with healthy adults in a healthy community . So if you were able to reconstruct this , that's what you would be wanting to do , yeah .

Speaker 2 4:41

So that leads me perfectly into our first question . So we named our podcast brain based parenting . Why did we choose that name and what does brain based parenting mean to you ?

Speaker 4 4:51

You know , I , you . I just had a conversation with a friend over the weekend about she had an interaction with someone in a store and she was upset by it because the person didn't respond to her in a positive way and she felt like it hurt her feelings . And so I started talking to her just about the brain and how we all process information differently , based on our past experiences and relationships . And so I think there's so many times we think something is personal against us or towards us or about us , when so much of it has to do with the way the brain processes and takes on information . And so I think of brain-based parenting as being intentional and thoughtful about what we want to do , what kind of relationships we're trying to build and what we need to give and get from each other .

Speaker 3 5:33

Based on that , we started to learn about how the brain develops and how trauma impacts a child's developing brain about 13 years ago in 2010 , and it's the best information of all of the different things we've learned over the years and books we've read and people we've been exposed to . Learning about the developing brain has been so helpful in our approach to caring for children and to ensuring that we meet their needs and that we are able to prepare them to leave us and go out and be productive citizens in the world .

Speaker 2 6:11

One of the things I've appreciated about learning about the brain is and brain-based parenting is . It's not just about the kids brains either . It's about our own brains and what we can do to regulate ourselves and develop our own skills so that we can better help our kids too . That's one thing I've really appreciated about this style of parenting .

Speaker 4 6:29

Absolutely .

Speaker 2 6:30

All right . Michelle , when we , when I first started working for you , you put a sign in my office that said you may have to loan out your frontal lobe today . Just make sure you get it back . I always love that , but would you mind talking about what that means ?

Speaker 4 6:43

So when we talk about the frontal lobe , this is typically when we talk about the brain . This is the area that we're typically talking about and this is the area that's responsible for language and thought and abstract reasoning and kind of , you know , consequences and effects and those kind of things . And so , especially in parenting , but then also , you know , working in a high emotional environment , like what we work in , a lot of times we can be emotionally driven or we can even be reactive , um , instinctually reactive , and so part of this is being thoughtful and intentional , and sometimes you have to provide that for other people who are being emotional or overly reactive , and so a big part of a parent's job is to provide that kind of calm and logic and intention to their , for the kiddos , and then we also have to do it for each other sometimes .

Speaker 3 7:29

Michelle , did you only put that sign in Josh's office ?

Speaker 4 7:32

or did you ?

Speaker 3 7:33

did you put that sign in other people's offices too ?

Speaker 4 7:36

I put that only in Josh's office .

Speaker 2 7:40

I appreciate it . Getting it back , I think is the important part of that , that's exact , that's right , josh .

Speaker 4 7:48

That's an important piece .

Speaker 2 7:50

So how would you say that brain-based parenting differs from traditional parenting philosophies ?

Speaker 3 7:56

One of the things that we talk about a lot is the difference between responding and reacting . And reacting comes from the lower parts of your brain that just see a scenario or hear a child say something and immediately jump in to deal with that situation . But responding is from that frontal lobe , from your cortex , where you've considered the possibilities , you've thought out what you want to say and and what would be the best approach . And I think traditionally we don't have a lot of training in how to parent right . Nobody gave me a class or a test before I became a parent and so I learned as I went . But we are professionally parenting children in a way that we train ourselves and train our staff to be able to respond , to think about things in advance , to have a plan , not to get pulled into an emotional argument or a power struggle with a child .

Speaker 4 8:54

I also think , just like what Suzanne is saying , you don't even really know what your parenting style is until you try to parent your own children or other people's children , and a lot of what we do is just based off of what has happened with our own parenting . And so to be thoughtful and intentional about what we're trying to accomplish and what would be the most helpful in this situation , rather than Strictly being reactive and punitive or thinking that the child is purposefully trying to drive us crazy or it's willful defiance so I do think that's how it's different from traditional parenting .

Speaker 5 9:29

I would add to that what you just said . For those , this has been a 20-year journey for me as a Pastry chaplain . But some folks might think , well , this is a new fangle , something you know , take it or leave it . And I will say , no , it's , it's a take it or blow it , because it's . God made us a certain way , our bodies work a certain way and and to ignore that it and how we relate to each other , how we raise children , is probably going to blow it . And To be responsive or versus reactive , and from a , you know , biblical perspective or just a universal perspective , you can't love someone when you are reacting . There's that , you are stuck in some kind of bondage and there's not much of a choice in that you're simple , you're so limited . But to respond is when you're able to love and be free to act . So I think it . I think that the ramifications of all this is huge .

Speaker 4 10:37

Yeah , I think that's a good point too is that when you're reacting out of that emotion , it often we are causing , you know , the behavior to Worse and or we're actually making the situation worse and not doing what we want to accomplish Because we're acting emotionally and to be that in that space where you can be open and there and in the interaction and we talk a lot about being curious is gonna what get us what we want to be . It's just hard to do that sometimes .

Speaker 5 11:02

Yeah , and a nice way to and I hope I'm not getting ahead of Josh here mentioned this but a nice way to look at this From a biblical perspective for those that have a horse in the race and are trying to weigh this out . There's no , just this aligned with my Christian faith and it's like of course it does . And one thing it's that's nice to do is just read through the Gospels and Watch how Jesus Responds to people and he doesn't react . He , he responds , and he doesn't respond in the exact same way to every single person , but there's always a , there's a pause a lot of times , a helpful question , being curious and then being helpful and being responsive and being free to love . So , yeah , that's it . That's a nice way to some day Just do a little study and read through and see how Jesus responds to people .

Speaker 2 11:51

Yeah , to kind of go along with that . I wanted to ask you about this next topic . It's probably too big to go in fully today , but I think it might be helpful to address . Cal Farlies is a Christ-centered organization , so I'll start with you , chaplain will home , and then Michelle and Suzanne , if you want to jump in as well . What does being Christ-centered mean to you in regards to raising children ?

Speaker 5 12:11

Well , that's a whopper question . Yeah , yeah , that's a . That's a whopper question . And Suzanne says that preachers talk too much and that you just invited me to talk too much with that question . I would say one of the big things that that's helpful to to know about us , and what I would say is a Christ-centered community , is that that is not about a Prosalitizing children , it's not about a technique and it's so . The focus is first and foremost about who we are becoming together for the sake of the kids in our care . No , and I think that's the first place to start , and I think that those that overlook that and are trying to Fix the kids with religion are missing the whole point of what Christ came to do in the whole pattern . So I think it's about what who we are becoming together for the sake of the kids . We're a place that prays together . In fact , we were just before this podcast , we were over at headquarters praying for our community , for specific people , for new in admits . So that's , that's part of what constitutes us .

Speaker 5 13:27

And then I would say that to be Christ-centered implies that there is real meaning and and , as we know , live in a world that right now struggles , probably trying to find meaning , and kind of a nihilistic , a lot of despair , and people that are searching for meaning to believe that we're created by God and that God has not abandoned us and is at work and is Restorative God and a forgiving God that Informs who we are and what we do .

Speaker 3 13:58

I think we have both staff and children that come from a wide variety of backgrounds and belief systems , but but one commonality that we have is we all appreciate when grace is extended to us , and so that calls us to extend grace to other people , and I think , if we go back to what Chaplain Wilhelm said about how Jesus treated people in the Bible , where others were judging and condemning , jesus extended grace , and so I think the same can be true of children . It's easy to condemn their behavior or to judge their actions , when what they really need is for us to extend grace and care and love to them .

Speaker 4 14:43

Yeah , absolutely . And then I think , you know , when I first got here , we were working on changing that , where we were extending more grace and having more patience , but we kind of skipped the staff right . So we had this mismatch between what we expected from staff and what we wanted them to do with children . And so I think it's the same thing

Brain-Based Parenting and Hope

Speaker 4 15:01

.

Speaker 4 15:01

Once you understand some of the things that we're going to be talking about with brain-based parenting , once you understand this is a human thing , not just a kid thing or an adult thing , like what Josh was saying , is that we can extend grace to others in a way that you haven't been able to before , and I think that's so much about you know , I have two signs in my door and I think one of them is they will know we are Christians by our love . Right , not our rules , not our rhetoric , not our laws , not our punishments , but by our love . And then the other one I have is you know , extend love . And if you have to use words and I think so much of what we do is Christ's love in action , and that's what we're meant to is to give the experience of love , not just talk about love or tell people what they should feel or know , but to experience it with us .

Speaker 3 15:44

You can't see this as you listen , but we're all naughty .

Speaker 4 15:47

I agree on that .

Speaker 5 15:50

So we know , we should wear cowbells around our heads so we can tell we're not All of our listeners would know when we're naughty .

Speaker 3 15:57

That might detract just a tiny bit .

Speaker 5 16:01

What that thing , josh , about being Christ-centered too , is . If we're humble , as we're invited and called to be and what Christ wants us to be is to be humble what we'll start to notice is we see the face of Christ in the kids that we serve . So there's just such a blessing that flows back and forth here with caregivers and kids and learn a lot about God's heart from the kids .

Speaker 3 16:31

We have a lot of staff that come in various roles who think I'll go to Boyzrian Chinals and I'll help these kids Right , and what they find is that they're the ones who are helped or blessed by the interactions with the residents . They bless us every single day and so many interactions .

Speaker 2 16:53

Alright , so the last question for today is what do you hope that our listeners will be able to gain by listening to our podcast ?

Speaker 3 17:00

I hope that listeners understand they're not alone , that we all have parenting struggles , and that's true for those of us who work here . We have learned a lot that has been beneficial to us in our own parenting journey , but we continue to learn a lot . So you're not alone . But I also hope that you will hear some nugget of wisdom that is valuable to you and that you will feel that you have a little bit more control as you make good choices to parent , that you don't feel out of control , but that you feel more secure in your decision making as you move forward with your children .

Speaker 4 17:42

And kind of all the things we've been talking about . I hope you know , obviously you hope there's a little bit of education that helps people be more successful or feel better or be a little bit more at ease with the relationships in their children . So I hope that we extend hope to people and then I also hope that maybe this gives people some grace for themselves and maybe some missteps that they've taken , that we all have taken and sharing that , and then some grace for other people as well .

Speaker 5 18:09

Hope and help is what I hope . That that's what listeners would receive is hope and help , and I imagine there'd be a number of listeners that perhaps have been down a hard road , maybe with a difficult situation with the parenting going on , and I do hope that they would receive hope from what they hear .

Speaker 4 18:30

Yeah , and then just to kind of go off what Suzanne said to you whenever we talk about these things , I don't ever want to act like we know everything or we're perfect and we've done everything right , and so maybe it's more about a journey of humanity than it is perfection .

Speaker 2 18:44

Well , thank you all for joining us as we start this journey today , and I hope you come back next week . So remember , you might have to loan out your front of lobes today . Just remember and make sure you get them back .

Speaker 1 18:56

Thank you for listening to Brain-Based Parenting . We hope you enjoyed this show . If you would like more information about Cal Farlies Boys Ranch are interested in employment , would like information about placing your child , or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission , please visit calfarleyorg . You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farleys . Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day .