Can you remember the warm, comforting feeling you had when you first realized you were part of something special, something bigger than yourself? That's what our guests Suzanne Wright, Mike Wilhelm, and Sam Serna and Joshua Sprock will be unpacking today. We'll take you on a journey through our unique stories of acceptance and value, as we reminisce about our experiences in diverse groups - from serenading choirs with pumpkins to secret coffee clubs. What does it mean to truly belong? And how does this feeling intertwine with safety? Tune in, as we peel back the layers of belonging and explore its fundamental link with feeling safe.
Now let's shift our gaze towards the future leaders of the world - our children. The influence of belonging and connections on a child's confidence is a multi-faceted topic that warrants our attention. In the digital age, social media offers a paradoxical promise to our children. It makes finding their tribe easier than ever, but at the cost of superficial connections and unhealthy comparisons. Join us as we delve into this complex web of belonging, confidence, and authenticity. We examine how genuine relationships can act as a catalyst for boosting a child's self-confidence, and discuss the pitfalls and opportunities social media presents in their lives.
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For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch: https://www.calfarley.org/
Can you remember the warm, comforting feeling you had when you first realized you were part of something special, something bigger than yourself? That's what our guests Suzanne Wright, Mike Wilhelm, and Sam Serna and Joshua Sprock will be unpacking today. We'll take you on a journey through our unique stories of acceptance and value, as we reminisce about our experiences in diverse groups - from serenading choirs with pumpkins to secret coffee clubs. What does it mean to truly belong? And how does this feeling intertwine with safety? Tune in, as we peel back the layers of belonging and explore its fundamental link with feeling safe.
Now let's shift our gaze towards the future leaders of the world - our children. The influence of belonging and connections on a child's confidence is a multi-faceted topic that warrants our attention. In the digital age, social media offers a paradoxical promise to our children. It makes finding their tribe easier than ever, but at the cost of superficial connections and unhealthy comparisons. Join us as we delve into this complex web of belonging, confidence, and authenticity. We examine how genuine relationships can act as a catalyst for boosting a child's self-confidence, and discuss the pitfalls and opportunities social media presents in their lives.
To Donate: https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply: https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch: https://www.calfarley.org/
Music: "Shine" -Newsboys CCS License No. 9402
Speaker 1:
Welcome to BrainBased Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farlies Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, cal Farlies staff development coordinator, joshua Sprock.
Speaker 2:
Welcome everyone and thank you for joining us again today as we discuss the next part of our model of leadership and service belonging. Today, I'm joined by Suzanne Wright, our vice president of training and intervention.
Speaker 3:
Hey Josh.
Speaker 2:
Mike Wilhelm, our senior chaplain. Hey, josh, and Sam Serna, the assistant administrator for residential programs. Hi, josh, welcome y'all, and today we're gonna be talking about belonging, but before we get into that, we always start with our question of the day. So are you guys ready for our first hard-hitting, deep philosophical question? Yes, Fire away.
Speaker 2:
So today's question is what is the weirdest or most intriguing group that you've ever belonged to? I was in this choir when I was in junior high and we had to do a fundraiser every year and part of this fundraiser was that people would call us and order pumpkins and these pumpkins they would have delivered to a friend or family member. So we would have to take these pumpkins to people's houses and then knock on their door and then we'd have to sing them a song. It was called Pumpkin and a Song and it was crazy. Like most of the people had no idea that we were gonna show up, so we'd knock on the door. There'd be four or five of us and with a big pumpkin and just say hi, we're here and start singing, and they just were so bewildered and sometimes people are like in their just t-shirt and underwear it was. It was weird for middle school kids to be a part of. So that was my weirdest. What about you guys?
Speaker 4:
Now I want to know first, was there just one song that you always sang?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, we had one song that we always was kind of our intro, and then we could do like they could request us to sing one other song. Okay, and what is the song?
Speaker 3:
Yeah you wouldn't know from this.
Speaker 1:
I don't remember.
Speaker 3:
You may have to take Tom to remember. Oh, here it is.
Speaker 2:
It was Happy Halloween, trick or Treat or Two. We're here from the Casper Children's Growl to sing a song for you that was worth waiting for.
Speaker 4:
Well done Bravo.
Speaker 5:
Well, I've always been into role playing games, ever since I was a kid, and I got involved with another person. He was going to be our dungeon master and he got me to read the books and learn how to play and all that Well. So I ended up going to the library one morning and then I find his other friends which I'm now going to be part of this group all staring at a pencil in the middle of a table, and I asked my friend what are they doing? And he said they're trying to make it move with their mind. And I'm like, like the force, and he was like yeah, kind of like that and I went.
Speaker 5:
well, that's kind of weird. I just stuck to the game playing after that and I went to the library in the morning.
Speaker 2:
So you never got the pencil to move.
Speaker 5:
Never got the pencil to move.
Speaker 4:
Well, the weirdest and most intriguing group was the Chuck Norris Coffee Club. Yes, sounds awesome and it was. They started out with just three boys, ranch boys and then they started inviting others, but it was by invitation only, at the chapel, in a secret room, and you had to know the password and I would roast coffee and we would make special coffee and they would sample it. We would have a short prayer and then we'd just have a discussion around all kinds of different topics and we scotch taped a picture of Chuck Norris up every time we held a meeting up on the wall. And what was really cool about it was this group of boys really did not have much of a sense of belonging out here and they were not Christians and they had very different beliefs about spirituality and things. But we had a very special group and I missed that group. Love those guys. The Chuck Norris Coffee Club that's so great. Now you know.
Speaker 3:
That's pretty amazing. I never knew that group existed.
Speaker 5:
Yeah, I must have been pretty elite, yeah.
Speaker 3:
I was pretty elite, we were clandestine, yeah All right.
Speaker 2:
So last time we talked about safety is the core of our model of leadership. This week we're going to cover a topic that I think goes hand in hand with safety, and that's belonging. So what does belonging mean to you guys?
Speaker 3:
I think belonging is being part of something bigger than yourself and having connections with other people.
Speaker 5:
Yeah, belonging to me is finding a group and finding some kind of mutual like or people who are like-minded, and also being a contributor member of that group In that, sake.
Speaker 4:
A couple key elements would be that you are valued and you are accepted. Just add into what you and Sam and Suzanne said.
Speaker 2:
So how does safety fit into belonging?
Speaker 3:
I think you have to feel safe in order to feel like you belong. You've probably all been part of a group or exposed to a group where you had the feeling that you did not fit in, you did not belong and you didn't feel safe. So I think that those two things are intertwined.
Speaker 2:
So why is it so important to belong?
Speaker 5:
I think we're all biologically programmed to find each other and to find a group. I mean, humans aren't built to survive on their own, and so it's instinctive to try to find people to help you with things. As children, we can't do things for ourselves Because babies, you know, our mothers or our caregivers have to care for us. So by nature, we have to find a group of people that can make me feel safe and can make us feel like we belong.
Speaker 4:
That would be where we find love, it's where we receive it and where we are able to practice love, and anything short is either isolation or we're being either driven away or we're being used by people. But it is in community, it's in belonging, that we experience love.
Speaker 3:
We were created in God's image to be in relationship with one another. We weren't really created to be on an island all by ourselves trying to figure out life alone. That's too hard, and so we've been given the gift of relationship in order to find support amongst each other and also to provide that support to each other.
Speaker 5:
You know one of the interesting things about the model that we're talking about, because last week we talked about safety and belonging is on the outside of that. But it goes both ways. If I don't feel safe, it's hard to belong, but if I don't belong, how can I be safe? I agree.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I've always heard that our brains are always scanning the environment. Am I in the group or am I out of the group? And if I'm in the group and I belong, then I feel safe and I'm okay and I can be safe and successful. But if I'm not in the group, if I'm outside, then I'm not safe and I'll do whatever I have to do to get back into the group and so I can be safe.
Speaker 5:
Will said. I assume that we'll talk some more about those unhealthy relationships.
Speaker 2:
So I have a theory and you guys can tell me what you think about it. So I think most, if not all, kids and maybe really all people want to belong. Am I way off on this theory?
Speaker 3:
No, I think that you're dead on that. We all have that innate need to belong, but it's not easy for everyone. Some people find belonging quicker than others, and for some others it takes a longer amount of time to find people that they feel safe with or people that they feel connected to or have common interest with. It's a process. It takes effort to find belonging. It doesn't always happen automatically.
Speaker 4:
Why do you think it takes some people longer than others to find that?
Speaker 3:
I think it may depend on their interests. It may depend on their history of trauma. It may be that they don't feel they have access to people they can trust. I think it's a combination of things that have happened in a person's history that determine how quickly they can affiliate with a group of people.
Speaker 5:
I do think all people want to belong and I think some of it's a circumstance. So I know a young friend of mine. When we were young he grew up kind of in an isolated area where there was only very few peers his age. So he had a couple of choices of peers and those peers were maybe more athletic and things like that. So in a way they kind of took advantage of him. But he didn't have a choice but to continue to go and play with those peers because there was nobody else. And he always sought out the peers because that's like I said, who else is he going to play with besides just hanging out by himself?
Speaker 4:
Don't you think the whole phenomenon of the internet and social media shows it? As a rule, for the most part, people want to belong, but the sad reality in that case is there's a abundance of connection, but really not much depth of relationship or authentic belonging, and it's sort of a mirage that mimics belonging, but I don't think we're doing so well with it, and I'm probably going off on a tangent a bit with that. But don't you think that's a sign, though, that people really do want to belong?
Speaker 3:
I do. I think there's so many opportunities for people to connect with others who are like-minded on the internet, but it can be a superficial connection.
Speaker 5:
Yes, it's always a hunt for the likes, or or. I know, sometimes I get invited to groups, or you want to be part of this group and you got to answer the special questions to get in the group, right, and all that is. For me, personally, it's a search. It's a search like oh, these people like this thing that I like and let me see if we can converse about it. And these people are I don't know who they are or where they are, and I do believe, for children too, it's the same thing. They are-. You're right, social media and technology has really given us the ability to reach and find more people, but how meaningful are those connections right, when the connections that they should be making are the ones nearest to them, with their families and or their caregivers?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I often wonder how many of those friends on social media are going to be there at your side when something really happens and maybe we're selling our close personal relationships out, but when we need those, they're not going to be there, if that makes sense.
Speaker 5:
Yeah. Well, here's an interesting thing. One time I did a GoFundMe for a family member who passed right. So I have tons of people on social media, but guess who funded the GoFundMe Is the people that I have close personal relay connections with in my life.
Speaker 2:
So how does a sense of belonging increase a child's confidence?
Speaker 3:
Well, sam used a word just in the last few moments, and it was acceptance. Right, and so if I feel like I belong, I feel like I'm accepted by others, that naturally leads me to have more confidence.
Speaker 5:
Also the confidence comes in a group. You know being part of a bigger group kind of makes you braver. I don't always like the idea of talking on a podcast, but I'm with trusted friends and they give me the strength to do what's needed. We're all in the same place, we're all trying to achieve the same goal, and so that does increase the belonging and the confidence.
Speaker 4:
The fear of inadequacy or being shown inadequate is a whopper, isn't it? And probably closely associated with shame, and that really does keep us from being our best if that fear is ruling in our lives, and there's not a better remedy for that than just being a company of people that value you and accept you.
Speaker 5:
Yeah, there may be no worse feeling than being asked to leave or forced to leave a group. Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 2:
So what are some warning signs that might cause a caregiver to worry that their child is struggling with belonging?
Speaker 3:
I always think of two. You know two different areas. You know when a child doesn't have belonging they may withdraw or retreat or, you know, isolate themselves. But I think the other side of that is sometimes children want to belong so badly they'll do anything to fit in, and so they may really want to be part of a group but not have the correct social skills to find friendships within that group. And so I think those are two different issues but both are problems with belonging, and young people have it hard.
Speaker 5:
It's not just about social skills. It's also about your social economics, status and many things that young people care about. Young people are very unforgiving as well, which makes other young people just feel terrible. So how could how? It's no surprise that maybe a child will withdraw or feel it's not worth it to go out there and try to find a group or have friends, because they don't feel valued enough to have them or worthy even.
Speaker 2:
So what happens to cause people to struggle to find that sense of belonging?
Speaker 5:
I think it's just like what we talked about. I think sometimes others reject you and if you're rejected it's very difficult, or maybe confidence breaking, to try to go out there and make connections again. It's hard. It's one thing when you fail at throwing a football. It's a whole other thing when you fail with a relationship.
Speaker 3:
Yes, I think that sometimes we struggle to accept people into our group because it's about judgment, right. Being a kid is so hard I wouldn't do it over again for anything in the world Right. And so you know the kids in any particular group, they're all struggling to find their selves too Right. And sometimes it's easy for them to judge somebody who's outside of the group. And that child who's outside of the group, boy, they sure feel that judgment, right.
Speaker 3:
I was always surprised when my children were young and started school. Even in kindergarten, kids start to compare to other kids. So even in kindergarten they would say things like you know, this child's the fastest runner in our class, but this child is the slowest, or this one has the longest hair, or this one is slow in math, or you know. So they start to just compare themselves to other kids. And that's where it starts and then it never stops, right? I think that even into adulthood sometimes we negatively compare ourselves to others. And I think, again, going back to your comment about social media, people are putting their highlight reel on social media here are all the wonderful things in my life and look at my beautiful house. And they don't show you the room where they shoved all the laundry you know, and they don't show you the struggles that they have.
Speaker 3:
And then we start to compare ourselves to a highlight reel instead of another person's reality. Right, and that comparison is so difficult and that is the same thing that kids struggle with is, you know, the comparison of what they perceive their reality to be to the highlight reel of other people's lives.
Speaker 4:
Yeah, to get back to what Sam said, that to have just one failure, humiliating failure, with belonging could be so devastating that that's a hard setback to overcome. But then, going with what Suzanne said, I appreciate that that social media piece, not to just beat a drum here, but it's significant right now and there's, there is a world there that's not real and there can be an idealized way of the way I think of a relationship, a belonging, a community should be a marriage relationship and the minute in real time and space, not in front of the screen, with a real human being, that that the little hiccups happen. I don't know that. We're that. People are always, have a healthy set of expectations and know how to work through that. So I think people might just recede, withdraw to the internet and stop trying. And that's not everybody, that's an overgeneralization, but I do think that's happening.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I'm often worrying that we're finding more connection and belonging to our technology than to actual, real, live, flesh and blood people.
Speaker 3:
I think you know, a good example of all of that was when we worked at home during 2020. And those connections that we relied on every day. You know, the three of us three of the four of us work in the same building, and so we greeted each other every day and my work's in a separate building, but it's frequently here in our offices and so we were able to see each other. Hey, how was your day? What did you do over the weekend? You know what's going on with your kids? And then, all of a sudden, we were isolated and we were only connecting over Zoom or Teams or other forms of social media, and we really missed out on a lot of belonging that I don't know that we were. We understood that. We relied on it that much until we didn't have it.
Speaker 2:
So what are some ways that we can help our children feel like they belong? For instance, all my life I've heard playing sports is a good way to help kids plugged into a group. Is this a good place for parents and kids to start.
Speaker 3:
I think it could be a good place, and there are certainly lots of sports activities available to younger children, but not every child finds their belonging in a sport. For some kids it may be dance class or a 4-H activity or involvement in an activity at their church. I think you have to look at what your child's natural interests and talents are and then build on those, rather than choosing like a specific sport for them and wanting them to be successful in that sport.
Speaker 4:
Yeah, the sports piece is a tricky one. The answer is yes and no. It's certainly like Suzanne said could be. It's necessarily performance-based Competition is a strong thread that runs through it and there's a lot of positive character formation that can happen through that. Now the trade-off is it could also be very hierarchical and a child that just is not that good at a sport you could find yourself, unless you're in with some really good leadership, with a coach or whoever's running that program, if it's at school or if it's a AAU program or whatever it is. If you have a special coach that makes sure everybody feels valued and that they belong, that can work for everybody, I suppose. But unfortunately those are probably more the exception than the rule, don't you think?
Speaker 3:
I do think. I think that there are. You know, again, kids compare themselves to other kids and so obviously there are going to be children who excel at whatever that sport is, and the children who don't excel may not feel like they're part of the group or they may not feel like they have value in the group.
Speaker 5:
And also helping a kid feel belonging most likely starts at home. I mean we have to value our children and encourage them and recognize their strengths. Even at a very young age I was not an athlete. They recognized my parents recognized I had a little bit of intelligence, so they gave me math stuff to do and letters to write and things to increase the things I was already good at. Right, my audience of competency, so those things are what, where I found value, right. So then I would join clubs like oh, I can't remember, but UIL events, science events, things like that I was good at. Because I was not an athlete, there's no way I was going to play.
Speaker 4:
I tried, it didn't work out for me and I actually felt maybe a little devalued because I just wasn't very good at those things and I didn't play and so but I did get to compete in all the academic things Back to your question, josh, about some ways to help a child feel like they belong, for everyone to do the hard work of practicing forgiveness, and that most of us it's going to start with self forgiveness drawn close to God, understanding his forgiving heart and then being able to truly extend that to the kids in our lives, the people in our lives. And as much, however much, we might struggle with forgiveness, it's really going to compromise a sense of belonging. So that piece of really doing the spiritual work to become more and more of a forgiving person is going to be key.
Speaker 3:
I think it's going to be helpful for us too, as adults, to remember our behavior on the sidelines of any group activity right For kids. So you know, you've probably all been at athletic events for young children, elementary children, and then you saw adults on the sidelines who lost their mind over a referee call or yelled something unkind and ungrateful at a child on the opposing team and think about, you know, what does that do to that child's belonging right? Belonging is something that we role model for kids and yet sometimes as adults we can be really thoughtless in what we say and in how we behave.
Speaker 4:
With that, this piece sometimes we can that belonging piece. There's value in the belonging with peers, which is a lot of age, segregated type of clubs and things like that. There's value in a place for that. There's a real hazard here, a tendency where we can do that at the neglect of intergenerational relationships and old fashioned community, and I would highly recommend to any listeners find ways to introduce your children to silver haired people and where they would play a meaningful role in their life. Your kid will be all the better for it.
Speaker 5:
I like that, mike, and I think also it's never too late to start for listeners, I mean, if you're hearing this for the first time and this is all new concepts start somewhere, start helping your kids feel valued and loved and cared for, and put them in groups or even, like I said, the basic group is the family. So it's never too late to get started, to start moving into a different, better path.
Speaker 2:
Thank you all for joining us today. I hope you feel like this podcast is a safe place for you to belong and remember you might have to loan out your frontal lobe today. Just make sure you get it back.
Speaker 1:
Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Folly's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit CalFollyorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Folly's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.