Join us on a journey through the effects of parenting styles on the lifelong path of attachment, as we contrast the experiences of children with avoidant and ambivalent attachments. With our expert panel, we dissect how an overcontrolling approach can stifle a child's ability to make decisions and cultivate confidence. We examine the psychological threads that connect childhood experiences with adult behavior in relationships and workplaces. By listening, you'll learn strategies for encouraging secure attachment and independence, and the importance of self-awareness in caregivers.
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Join us on a journey through the effects of parenting styles on the lifelong path of attachment, as we contrast the experiences of children with avoidant and ambivalent attachments. With our expert panel, we dissect how an overcontrolling approach can stifle a child's ability to make decisions and cultivate confidence. We examine the psychological threads that connect childhood experiences with adult behavior in relationships and workplaces. By listening, you'll learn strategies for encouraging secure attachment and independence, and the importance of self-awareness in caregivers.
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farlies Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, cal Farlies staff development coordinator, joshua Sprock.
Speaker 2:Welcome back and thank you for joining us today as we talk about brain-based parenting. Today, we are going to continue talking about our attachment styles. Specifically, we are going to discuss ambivalent attachment. To do that again, I am joined today by Sam Cerna Hello. Katherine Clay Hi. And Mike Wilhelm Howdy Josh. Well, today our question is about ambivalence. Brand ambivalence is defined as being unsure, undecided or hesitant. So my question is what is your response when you are asked for your input on where a group should go eat out? Are you decisive or do you go the I don't know, I don't care route? So for me, I always have an opinion and I know where I want to go, but I am always the I don't care or I don't know, but you really do care.
Speaker 3:I do care, but I know it. So then you are just disappointed.
Speaker 2:Yes, I am always disappointed.
Speaker 4:Oh oh, I know, that is rough.
Speaker 3:For me. I go out to eat so infrequently that, if there is the opportunity, I already know where I want to go. So I guess I am more decisive.
Speaker 4:So you will tell a whole carload of people this is where we are going.
Speaker 3:Well, here is the deal. If I am going out to eat, it is already in plan. So who wants to go eat at this place? At this time. If it is me by myself, that is fine. If it is a group of people that want to eat there, that is also fine.
Speaker 5:Yeah, I am generally just trying to do whatever everybody else wants to do. I think I am a lot like Josh and where I kind of want to go eat a burger, you know, but I don't want to just say it because I don't. Maybe the other people don't want to go to the same burger place. I want to go to you and so. Yeah, if they, sometimes I can snake it to go my way, that's good.
Speaker 4:If I'm in a car load of people that I'm not normally with, we're going out.
Speaker 2:I don't.
Speaker 4:I don't want to oversteer, but I will put it out, float it out there that if they're really asking and really want to know, I'd rather not eat fast food.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah.
Speaker 4:But and then. But I do have other preferences, but I'll just let that up to the car to decide.
Speaker 2:I did hear that if someone mentions like three different places that they want to eat, the first place they mention is usually the place they actually want to eat. So that's. I don't know if that's actual. I just heard that on the radio or something that's really awesome.
Speaker 4:My wife won't ever. She'll always say you decide, so okay, finally, I'll decide Well, I'm not sure when to go pick another one.
Speaker 2:So that's okay.
Speaker 5:I'm not actually ambivalent then, because when I let my wife decide it, I'm like I don't really want to go there. I don't really want to go there.
Speaker 2:All right, so let's talk about a bimolin attachment. What exactly is ambivalent?
Speaker 5:I mean ambivalence is that, like you said earlier, you, you, you may be just indifferent about what to do or about the situation.
Speaker 3:Yeah, Well, and I think that's where the title, the ambivalent attachment title, comes from, the caregiver's approach is stressed, anxious, overwhelmed when they're caregiving, and that produces ambivalence in like how to respond, what to do next in regard to the child's behavior.
Speaker 2:So, because of that, what are some of the surface level behaviors associated with ambivalence or that attachment style? I?
Speaker 3:think the child would feel a little bit frozen, not knowing what to do next, waiting on their caregiver to signal what to do. We've talked just informally and hear about that helicopter parent type title, where the parents always watching and so the kids on edge trying to figure out how to respond, what to do, and then that the child might look anxious, unsure and confident.
Speaker 5:Yeah, these are the kids that are probably just going to hang around with their parents all the time and not want to leave their side, because the world is maybe a little unsafe for them, because they're very unsure about what's next.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that anxiety is prevalent in that. So what do caregivers you talked about helicopter parents what do ambivalent parents look like?
Speaker 3:You know, I think helicopter parents or ambivalent parents, though the intent is probably pure and what they believe is best for the child or safe for the child, ends up being more the messages that the world isn't safe or I have to take I have to ensure your safety, I have to keep you from harm, I have to ensure you're not stressed, type of stuff, and so then that the parent is kind of just like putting a kid in a bubble and not not letting them experience either stressors that are helpful or, you know, failures that are safe, things like that.
Speaker 3:You know, we were talking a minute ago about Dr Bruce Perry and I think there is this notion that stress is bad and we need to avoid stress and what we do the best, we do everything we can to avoid stress, and I think that's a piece of what the parent the ambivalent type parent is believes. But what we know, based off of Bruce Perry, is that stress is not bad. In fact, the stress is necessary. The stressors are necessary as long as they're predictable, moderate and controllable, because those types of stressors lead a child to be resilient. So I don't know what do y'all think?
Speaker 4:I'm wondering that. This is a question I have for the three of you, being the experts. Avoid an insecure attachment style seems to produce an avoidant attachment style. Caregiver would seem to produce an avoidant attachment style. Child Right, does that? Now this seems different to me. This seems like a very caregiver with a strong need for control is going to produce an ambivalent attachment style where that caregiver themselves may not have ambivalent attachment style. That's a question, that's not a statement. Is that right or does ambivalent do some bivalent?
Speaker 3:I don't. I don't think that there's a hard and fast answer to that. I think you could probably look at a lot of parents histories and they could fall into any any of these categories. There's just so many variables that we don't have or can't explain. I kind of think what you're saying makes sense to me because the control that you're saying, that comes from the ambivalent attachment, the helicopter that this is the way you do it, you have to stay safe comes from anxiety, fear, you know what, whatever word, and when we're feeling fearful or we're feeling anxiety, we control. What can we control? We can make sure my daughter or my son doesn't experience an adversity or fear or whatever, and then that creates in the child kind of similar stuff.
Speaker 4:You know fear to to move forward, fear to experience, fear to explore that makes a lot of sense, catherine, we would, in terms of just thinking about Christian spiritual formation and people we tend to. When we're acting out of the worst of ourselves, it's usually fear, and it will tend to come out of one of three different areas and different combinations, but either a need for power, control, or a need for safety, security, or a need for affection, and then again and just varying combinations, but you could see lots of different caregivers that acting out of fear of one from one source or another. I'm needing to control things. This child is one of the things that I need to control and what you're saying is we're going to arrest their development if they're not able to experience some mistakes on their own, some venturing out, scraping the knee, that sort of thing. Yeah, when I'm as you're speaking.
Speaker 3:I'm thinking of, like there might be. There might be a stage in life where it feels normal for a kid to look back at a parent, a parent or a caregiver to say, can I proceed, should I go this way, is this safe? And I think that there's probably a season that that's appropriate. But the difference being is that the caregiver does that style the whole development right. So like a 13 year old should probably not be looking back at a parent to see should I cross the street or is this safe? Like they need to develop that internal process and that internal skill so that they can be independent of that caregiver. And if that's not developed, then I would imagine kids that grow up with this type of caregiving lack the ability to make decisions or be independent or develop into adulthood without needing some reassurance or some help making decisions or just caregiving constantly throughout life.
Speaker 5:Yeah, and these two kids. I mean, like you asked or said earlier, it's a contrasting them. The difference is that you know the kid we talked about last time the avoiding child, sorry.
Speaker 5:It's going to seem confident, it's going to seem secure and this child is not going to seem that way Very anxious and maybe, like you said, try to take control of a situation and maybe and they might get in a little trouble over it because, right, they, their need and anxiety is going to have to create them. Maybe, you know, maybe they might take over the class, or or you know, or anything like that, where the other child is going to just, maybe, just be compliant and seem confident. This child will not seem confident.
Speaker 3:I think you'll be able to see it visibly too. You know, like we were saying with the avoidant, there they maybe look kind of cool, calm, collected. I think this kind of child you're going to be able to see.
Speaker 2:You'll see and feel yes.
Speaker 3:The, the stirring.
Speaker 4:I mean that child with that primary caregiver and ask the child a question that child's probably going to going to look. Um, uh, have the deer in the headlights, look, and then look look at the caregiver Right.
Speaker 3:And, like I said there's, there's a time that you would think well, that's pretty normal. But if that's a 15 year old being asked what do you want for dinner or what do you want off the McDonald's menu, and the care the child is deer and headlights looks at the parent than that notch, you know, like that's.
Speaker 4:I was thinking, sam you, how many times have you seen that interviewing a couple and asking questions in one of the two is the one that does all the?
Speaker 4:the answer and then you find the reach that point that you really do want to draw something out of the other, so you really are directing towards the other. And that's when you realize, oh, you watch, and that person will just look to the, to the other, to the partner, and won't answer and it's like, okay, this is a, this has a weird feel and that person is not secure about answering on their own.
Speaker 5:Yeah.
Speaker 4:So we grow into it as adults, don't we?
Speaker 5:Yeah, we do. It sure does affect your adulthood, and imagine these two different styles getting together as parents, how that affects the kids. Interesting conversation.
Speaker 2:So I was thinking too. You guys talked about how these different parenting styles look like. I think the intention of those parenting styles is interesting to contrast. So in a cure and a ambivalent, I think have similar intentions. They're trying to get the kids needs met in that security. The security attachment person is they have that I don't know safety and security built in, whereas the ambivalent parent, they have the right intention but the kid never fills that sense of relief because that anxiety overrides their good intention, yeah Right.
Speaker 2:Do you think that's going to impact that child's behavior?
Speaker 5:Yes, because I believe that when you, when a kiddo can, or even a young adult, let's say a teenage child, they're so anxious, they have this ingrained need to control the environment, if they can, because of the need. They're unsure, or they can even be frozen in place and they'll don't know what to do. And so there's a ton of way you can see these things manifest in their life. And I, you know, I think of, and I was thinking about the caregivers, all these different secure, attached caregivers.
Speaker 5:I used to watch my kids play on the slide, all right, and this old park we used to have in my hometown. It was kind of a tall slide, you know, and it was metal and and I remember watching my kids, you know, climb that slide and my guts wrenching Right, and so I would imagine a, so that I was a secure parent. I let them actually climb it and my heart's in my chest and they're sliding down. They survived it. Yeah, I pray they're going to fall off the slide. All these anxieties are going to happen. This ambivalent person would probably not let you in the child go up there, or they'd go up there with them, which means that's not a bad thing.
Speaker 5:I like we're avoiding that totally when I like that.
Speaker 3:you brought that up, because I think that that's kind of like what Josh said it's a slippery slope or slide.
Speaker 3:It's a slippery slide between the secure and the ambivalent just pun, completely intended, because I do the same thing with my kids. You know, I've had to retrain myself to say so. I have my two year old and I did it with my five year old too. But I had to retrain myself to say, instead of say that's not safe when he would climb, or she would climb, or whatever, I would say hey, bud, or hey, honey, is that stable, is that unstable, is that? And so I would.
Speaker 3:The change in my language, the change in my approach, because I felt that internal like oh my goodness, my child's about to fall off of whatever, when really it was, like you know, very minimal risk, and I changed the way that I approached it, gave my child the opportunity to say is this stable? Is this something I should climb on or something I should sit on? Is this something I should walk around or not walk on at all? And that process of learning, that barrier, that stress or whatever it was, was now internalized, rather than me being the one that had to pick up the, the harm, or me be the one to say that's not safe or that's safe, because if that's not internalized, they will need me to do that forever and that's not ideal. It's kind of like what you're saying letting them experience a stressor that's predictable and moderate and controllable, like this giant slide you're talking about, with you standing by will teach them one way or the other that this is a good slide or a bad slide or whatever.
Speaker 5:You know, whatever the barrier stressor is, whatever it is I really like how you, how you said that you you tell them what to expect and have them use their senses to feel, because I you know right. They said that's all part of the teaching process. I mean, wouldn't that increase their confidence in life, because when you're not around, they have to be able to make decisions. Correct right, they can feel it. This is feel okay. This is not feel okay.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and it's endearing to hear like a little one say this is stable, this is unstable. I think I've done at least this thing, right this little piece. I've done.
Speaker 2:Okay, you know because parenting is difficult. Well, I gotta say I am a helicopter parent.
Speaker 1:Okay, good, this is some full disclosure here.
Speaker 2:You worked hard for that title too, you're not wrong. So one of the things my wife always tells me, though, is that at some point, our daughters are gonna go to college, and like am I gonna be there at college to make sure?
Speaker 1:you know, well I do.
Speaker 2:I think that is actually what I want to do but I mean, at some point they're gonna have to fly out of the nest and if they haven't learned to fail in a safe environment, then they're not gonna be able to be successful once they leave us. So maybe you guys could talk about a little bit. What does it mean to fail in a safe environment? How can we, how can we help kids do that?
Speaker 5:So Katherine touched on earlier about oh, I should just let you say it but, but? But creating instances in which they can go, explore and increase a little bit of stress, right. So you start small, you open a child's world, right. So at first they're a lot inside with you and when you take them outside they're near you and that's all natural. But soon, right, letting them go a little further from you, that where they can still see you and and try new things and explore and touch, and you know so they can. So what I'm saying, I guess is too is of if they're trying to build something or navigate an obstacle and maybe they fall off, hopefully it's a foot off the ground they fall down.
Speaker 5:Well, they failed, but here I am to be there with them and tell them how to do it better, or or, or how to navigate the thing.
Speaker 3:I think it's also the, the difference being that, when they do fail, that we look at it. I think it's easy and maybe I've, probably, I think I've probably done this where, when they fail, they fall and get hurt, let's say, and I'll, it's in my gut to say, see, but I told you don't jump on that or don't climb on that and I'm guilty, I've done that.
Speaker 3:The better response that I try to say is okay, so what we learn here that was unstable or whatever it may be, rather than when you fall, you fail and we don't do that, we don't try that again, rather climb again. Let's just do a little bit differently, maybe wear better shoes or whatever it may be, and then there's learning inside of that. I think that feels safe, right. I, I know I can go and do something a little risky or something that's so explorative, and if it works, great. If it doesn't, I'll come back and try to figure out what went wrong and how to do it differently. Again, lots of internal work as a parent to be able to do that, because when I say, but I see, I told you, don't do that, that's my own anxiety and fear coming out and I don't want to put that in my child, you know and also think it's about creating challenge, right.
Speaker 5:So I took my grandkids to a park the other day, and that's where you really learn about the kids, right sometimes I sometimes I think they're super brave and sometimes I think they're scaredy cats and I am very, almost 100% surprised because I'm obviously I'm not with my grandkids all the time right so, and I don't take them to the park all the time, but when I do, here's where I noticed so I had.
Speaker 5:There was a. One of my grandsons used to be scared of everything and now he's jumping and running and climbing and doing it's incredible he was so fearful and and to see this growth he's had. And now my other grandson, who I thought was braver, we were climbing, jumping some lily pads, that kind of ascend and he wouldn't do it and I'm like it's not even that high right you know so then okay, so how do I challenge him here?
Speaker 5:hey, well, let me hold your hand, can you take a step? And then, if you in at some point, if they're not comfortable, that's where I got to make the decision. How much worth is it? Is it today?
Speaker 5:for me to push this, or should I let them fail today and that's okay, yeah and so, and right, and then we try again next time, or I, or I have his brother model it show, right? So there's tons of ways that we can set up that. It's safe that if he was to fall, he's not going to get hurt. This playground is. It's not like our old playgrounds, right?
Speaker 5:there's spikes at the bottom of everything right, but I think that's a cool way to have them failed in the safe environment yes, let's take an example that that's what Sam, what you and Catherine just shared, and Josh, that really important for faith.
Speaker 4:Development of kids and and here's why and an ambivalent attach attachment child with anxiety might find themselves in a situation where they're going to tend to be vacant. They'll tend to struggle more with the God piece, but whenever they do come to faith or to conversion it would be the classic what we would call the twice born and usually it's there's more emotion involved and it really is a way to try to relieve anxiety. Doesn't mean it's not authentic to what's going on, necessarily, but it has that element Now that faith is going to be less resilient because, as we know, if you read the book of Job or you read through most of the Bible, life happens, sometimes in an unfortunate way, and that child that's never learned that sometimes things aren't safe, sometimes bad things happen, that hasn't had some of that patterning, they're going to really struggle with the faith piece. That faith piece will be less stable. And something that I've learned as a chaplain here in a residential childcare community that I didn't know and maybe there's some listeners that have taken children into their home that have come from hard places, kids that have ambivalent attachment styles.
Speaker 4:We need to really be patient, wise and loving with those children and if we're hasty with some kind of religious intervention, those children just to relieve anxiety will comply, and whatever it is the expectation is, if we round them up and take them to a big youth event that has a Hellfire and Brimstone Ultra call, well, that child is going to need to relieve that anxiety and they're going to have all right in line with that. Is that going to be something healthy as far as faith formation? I'd question that. In fact I think it might be something harmful rather than healthy going on. So we need to be real careful. That child with that ambivalent attachment style, coming from a hard place might seem super compliant as well if we're helicopter parenting and that compliance might not be growth at all.
Speaker 2:So yeah, what you've shared is very helpful in my thought, so I appreciate what you both said so let's look at if we have a caregiver who has the correct intentions, trying to meet the child's needs, but overwhelmed with those feelings of anxiety, uncertainty, nervousness. Or is that helicopter parent that's going to shape how we see the world? So if this is my template, what would my I am statement be? Here I am unsure. Anxious, confused, others are.
Speaker 5:Well, they're confusing.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 5:Or maybe scary.
Speaker 3:Yeah, anxious.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the world is unsafe. And therefore I must hide.
Speaker 3:Yeah, do anything. Control, be safe, control.
Speaker 2:And I think it's. You're just going to be paralyzed by fear. I've heard it said that this gender, current generation, is one of the most anxious generations ever, and I think it's because people like me being the helicopter, never letting them fail, never let them feel that sense of security with these children, would you say, away from that primary caregiver, helicopter, parent moving into adolescence, or settings whether or not around that caregiver?
Speaker 4:are they going to be more susceptible to peer pressure or less?
Speaker 2:so I've heard actually a lot of research on the peer pressure and like substance abuse is actually pretty high in these because they're in the state of anxious anxiety all the time and they've never experienced a sense of relief. So when they have either inappropriate relationships or substance abuse it has a disproportionate effect on that relief. They have that ah moment that they've never experienced before, and it becomes, that becomes an addicting experience.
Speaker 3:I think, aside from, like, the natural process and development of kiddos the age that you're talking about, being more explorative, being more susceptible to peer pressure and then adding this attachment style, I think you're right and I think part of that, the reason I feel that way is because one issue that pops up with this type of kiddo is lack of confidence or lack of security, and that, plus being an adolescent, it's like a bomb setting off for peer pressure, belonging, all that stuff coming into adolescence being even more unsure than you already are as an adolescent you know, we're looking for someone to tell you what to do next.
Speaker 3:You know, it's just such a vulnerable time for that.
Speaker 5:Yeah, Mike, and you said a good word. You said low resilience, and you know people who are low resilience are more susceptible to things. They cannot take a hit. Maybe then a more resilient person could. And what builds resilience is adversity right. And if kids don't get to go out and experience things as young kids or even teenagers, it becomes harder to take on anything that might be challenging, and I don't mean like work stuff I'm talking about. You know, those hits that we talk about, a death in the family, can be very impactful to these kids or these adults, even because they just don't. They don't have the toughness built up and to go. So they're going to find other coping mechanisms to do so, to help relieve that stress. And that was so insightful.
Speaker 5:I never thought about that you know, because it's similar to the previous attachments that we talked about was that these people could also sink into any kind of addiction or video games or technology. Also because it feels good that release and all that. And because, right, it's all about the stress here that that stress is very high.
Speaker 4:I have noticed that from a pastor's viewpoint, watching the ambivalent attachment child, with well-meaning folks hauling that child to youth Christian youth events that had a strong ultra call component. And well that child is, we'll come back and hear the news that child got saved, okay. Well, if there's an event two months later, you know what I'm going to find out if that child went saved again saved again.
Speaker 4:Every time, every time, and what happens is, my goodness, there's something harmful going on. If you ever drove a standard transmission vehicle with a clutch, if it's misappropriated, um, you'll strip out the clutch and eventually you just can't get any traction anymore. And I really think there's something harmful that goes on with faith development If we don't take good care of ambivalent, attached kids and be patient. The best pastoral advice I could give parents that have a child that has that's with ambivalent attachment as far as faith formation, is to really focus on your relationship with the child and to focus on and be aware, catherine, as you said before, of self-awareness. And what anxiety am I bringing into this relationship and what do I need to do to be a non-anxious presence in the life of this?
Speaker 1:child.
Speaker 4:That that's going to be the most helpful thing you could do in God's name for the sake of that child. Yeah.
Speaker 3:So what do you think? The?
Speaker 2:impact of this attachment style will have on these kids when they do become adults.
Speaker 5:They're not going to trust a lot, they're going to have a hard time forming attachments as well. Themselves Can imagine what anxious anxiousness in a relationship is like. I mean you. How can you know the other person um? Um has your back If you're just always anxious about are they going to leave me? I'm not good enough, I don't know what to do. Um, that must be difficult as an adult.
Speaker 3:When I think I think, too kind of speaking to the partnership relationship like you're speaking about and you guys had mentioned, I think, interviewing a couple, and I think you would probably find that you would and and uh, an ambivalent attachment person or someone who's a bit ambivalently attached will look for someone to play the role that the parent played which is telling them, telling them how to proceed, protecting them from harm those types of behaviors.
Speaker 3:I think you'll see that paired up. And then I think too, if you're looking at someone in the workplace, you would probably see someone who had a, has difficult time making decisions, who kind of looks to others to take on leadership or to make decisions, probably doesn't take very many risks, probably would be in a job that is limited, low risk, which you know that's. There's plenty of jobs that are like that. But I think too it would be hard to be an adult working in your workplace not being able to make decisions with confidence.
Speaker 5:Well, that sounds like an adult that would always need to be dependent on somebody else whether in the relationship or at work.
Speaker 3:When it goes back to that. What I sense about that early caregiving is there's a little bit of an enmeshment happening right, and so I'm not okay unless you're okay, and you're not okay unless I'm okay.
Speaker 3:So it's that codependency piece and so, speaking about like romantic relationships or workplace relationships, there is maybe some codependency pieces that pop up that I need to know that my boss is okay before I'm okay, or I need to know that my partner is okay before I'm okay, and I can't be okay unless this other person is, or I can't be well or whatever it may be. And I mean we can all kind of think about how that might play out and behaviors and relationships and things like that.
Speaker 5:Well, because I imagine the partner might, my partner and the relationship may feel smothered a little bit, even if that's not what they need or they have a secure attachment style. You know, it could actually actually inadvertently push people away, maybe even Interesting.
Speaker 4:But to live in a state of worry is that will choke out. But just quality living, you know, there's no peace and joy Just don't seem to coexist with worry. Yes, yes, so yeah, I think we'll rob ourselves of our best life.
Speaker 2:I think it's interesting if you think about people with anxiety. We don't really like being around people who are nervous all the time. Right, that nervous energy scares us, and I think these people that feel like that they don't like other people too. So it's like two ends of a same ends of a magnet that kind of repel each other away which, like you said, mike, isn't really the recipe for joy in your life or adventure and creativity.
Speaker 4:They seem to emerge out of feeling safe and secure, and if we're anxious, we're not going to be as creative and as adventurous Are we?
Speaker 2:So what can we do to help these kids move to a place of more security in their attachment?
Speaker 3:I feel like it goes back to what we spoke about earlier consistent consistency, creating opportunities, kind of repairing some of those developmental misses, I guess you could say, where we might give them opportunity to explore and then fail, and then explore and then fail, creating some confidence in that, maybe giving them small decisions to make, showing that you can make a decision and look at it turned out okay, kind of dosing those experiences a little bit. But it kind of goes back to what Mike was saying. I think if we come at this super fast, super quick, super intimate, then I think that they will, will just spike their anxiety right. And so I think, being mindful, being curious, producing opportunity for small amount of stress, increase their stress tolerance, that type of stuff could be helpful.
Speaker 5:Same thing for the caregiver, right? The caregiver needs to be mindful of what they're feeling and how they are responding their internal stuff, so that way they're not sending the stuff out to the kiddo Is right. What we're talking about all the time is the caregiver creates this in a way. So the caregiver now has to be aware and gives all the things that Catherine said, but it's also just being aware of yourself and how you can help support the child to help them feel secure.
Speaker 2:Well, thank you guys. This is great discussion and thank you guys all for spending some time with us today. Don't stress out about it. Go ahead and commit to coming back here next week and we're going to discuss disorganized attachment. So then remember you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just make sure you remember to get them back.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farlies Boys Ranch are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit CalFarliesorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farlies. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.