Brain Based Parenting

Therapeutic Discipline-Wrap Up

April 09, 2024 Cal Farley's Season 4 Episode 4
Therapeutic Discipline-Wrap Up
Brain Based Parenting
More Info
Brain Based Parenting
Therapeutic Discipline-Wrap Up
Apr 09, 2024 Season 4 Episode 4
Cal Farley's

In today's episode, we're wrapping up our discussion on discipline, focusing on aspects we didn't get to cover earlier. We start by exploring the connection between supervision and discipline, highlighting how supervision remains crucial even as children grow older. We emphasize the importance of modeling behavior and catching challenges early, underscoring the role of communication, consistency, and adaptability in effective supervision.

Moving on, we delve into the art of having serious discussions with children, acknowledging the difficulties adults often face in initiating such conversations. We explore the power dynamics, size differentials, and the importance of creating a conducive environment for open dialogue. Reflecting on the significance of listening to understand rather than to respond, we examine the complexities of apologies, emphasizing the need for sincerity and avoiding forced or transactional apologies.

Lastly, we discuss well-intentioned disciplinary actions to avoid, such as shame, withdrawal of affection, and isolating punishments, highlighting the potential negative impacts on children's emotional well-being and the parent-child relationship. Through these discussions, we aim to provide insights and strategies for fostering positive discipline grounded in empathy, communication, and mutual respect.

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https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T

To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/

For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/

Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402

Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

In today's episode, we're wrapping up our discussion on discipline, focusing on aspects we didn't get to cover earlier. We start by exploring the connection between supervision and discipline, highlighting how supervision remains crucial even as children grow older. We emphasize the importance of modeling behavior and catching challenges early, underscoring the role of communication, consistency, and adaptability in effective supervision.

Moving on, we delve into the art of having serious discussions with children, acknowledging the difficulties adults often face in initiating such conversations. We explore the power dynamics, size differentials, and the importance of creating a conducive environment for open dialogue. Reflecting on the significance of listening to understand rather than to respond, we examine the complexities of apologies, emphasizing the need for sincerity and avoiding forced or transactional apologies.

Lastly, we discuss well-intentioned disciplinary actions to avoid, such as shame, withdrawal of affection, and isolating punishments, highlighting the potential negative impacts on children's emotional well-being and the parent-child relationship. Through these discussions, we aim to provide insights and strategies for fostering positive discipline grounded in empathy, communication, and mutual respect.

To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T

To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/

For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/

Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402

Speaker 1:

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, joshua Sprock.

Speaker 2:

Hello there, and thank you for joining us today as we talk about brain-based parenting. Today, we're going to wrap up this series of talking about discipline by talking about a few items we weren't able to get into in previous podcasts and tying up some loose ends To do that. I'm once again joined today by Michelle Meichetter. Hello, chloe Hewitt Hi, and Suzanne Wright Hi. All right. So our question of the day is, since we're wrapping things up on our conversation on discipline, I'm wondering what is your skill level when it comes to wrapping presents?

Speaker 3:

I feel like I'm really good at wrapping presents. However, I will go for a gift bag. Oh, I mean, gift bags are the easy button. I do not like gift bags. I will go for a gift bag. I don't mind wrapping, but I'm not a big bow person, so if you get a wrapped present, there probably won't be a bow on it, I don't know why. Oh, that's terrible. It's too extra.

Speaker 4:

Well, most of my life revolves around things being easy, but I hate gift bags. I will use one if I have to, if it's an odd shape or I can't figure it out or just don't have time. But I'm probably mediocre when it comes to gift wrapping, but I really like all the extra ribbons and that kind of thing, because I think that's what makes it special.

Speaker 5:

Yeah, I think mine is pretty good. Christmas is my favorite holiday, and so I currently already have eight ribbons for this year, because I buy them when they go on sale at the end of the year, and so I am ready and every gift will be wrapped with a giant bow. I'm not as good as my sister. She hides the tape and everything.

Speaker 5:

I'm not that good good but I will definitely there will be a really pretty bow. Yeah, so I like that. But for birthdays I probably use sacks. I'm you know, my kids are two and four.

Speaker 3:

It's easier to get the sack open yeah, years ago in college I worked at a gift shop and so wrapping was wonderful because you had a wrapping station. Yes, with everything that made it different when, when everything was available to you and you had a dedicated space to wrap the gifts.

Speaker 2:

And so, since I don't have that currently, I think even if I had that dedicated wonderful space, I'd still look like a second grader wrapping a present. I'm terrible. My wife is like a magician wrapping gifts mad skills, but I have negative wrapping skills.

Speaker 3:

So when you give a gift to her, who wraps it?

Speaker 2:

She probably actually would appreciate if I let her wrap them. No, I wrap them, and there's always that look of disappointment you know All right. So today we're just going to finish up talking about some discipline things and we wanted to get into earlier but didn't really either fit or just didn't have time to. So I want to talk about supervision. Starting off, how does supervision tie into discipline?

Speaker 4:

This is one that I think we often do not put these two things together, which I think is really interesting. And again, when kids are younger, I think it's kind of a given that they need adults within close proximity to them, and as kids get older, we don't think it's as important. And yet, anytime somebody's struggling or needs help with something, they need people that are close to them to help them through the challenge. And so I think supervision one, like we talked about before, you catch things quicker and you need lower skill if you catch it quicker. And then two, we're supposed to be modeling the behaviors that we're wanting kids to have, and so if we're not in proximity to them, they won't be able to catch that modeling piece.

Speaker 2:

So what are the elements of appropriate supervision?

Speaker 3:

I think one of the elements that's important is communication, so that you know, prior to a family gathering or a shopping trip, that you talk to your child about what the expectations will be, what behavior that you discuss which also includes that you listen to any concerns they have or anything that they're uncomfortable about and then you could talk about it in advance and let the child you know, let the child know I'll be present, I'll be there, but I think you have to talk about it before you end up in a situation.

Speaker 4:

And then I think too, just like we talked about before about adjusting to the developmental and chronological age of the child, so it needs to change depending on how successful a child can be in any given environment. Depending on that and then I think consistency and predictability is so big when it comes to supervision and discipline is that we're predictable and consistent in what we expect. So, just like what Suzanne was saying, if it's communicated and understood, you're going to have a lot better chance of it being successful than if you're just winging it and everybody's surprised.

Speaker 3:

I always feel sorry for the child when I see a family engaged in activity. That's early afternoon, which is probably usually a child's nap time, and their expectation is that this child will be able to manage themselves when their brain and their body are used to resting at that time every day, and the parents are frustrated and the child can't help it, and you know, I just think that some planning prior to that could make all the difference in the world.

Speaker 5:

Yeah Well, and I think too I mean, we talked about this a little bit in the previous one but if you've had previous incidences surrounding a certain activity or surrounding, or it's just been a harder time for your kid, then maybe just closer supervision, but not necessarily because they're in trouble, but because they might just need you closer to them, but communicating. Hey, today I'm just going to hang a little closer, I want to be near you, Like just being honest about it, like what you said, Suzanne, being upfront about it, but then also remembering that they might be having a harder time and need closer supervision.

Speaker 2:

Supervision is real, natural for younger kids. Why do you think that's difficult for us to want to supervise 16, 17 year olds and I?

Speaker 4:

think so much is because they don't want us there, right, that's what they'll tell us, that they don't want us there, and it's embarrassing and all that kind of thing. But the same thing is it's harder for them the more complex their social situations get, the harder it is for them to be successful, right, while they're trying to figure all these things. So, knowing that you know adolescents need adult brains to help them regulate and to make good decisions, and knowing that that's important, even if it's, you know, maybe something that they're not totally fond of, I know for me one of the hardest parts of discipline can be looking in the mirror and examining how I may have contributed to a situation.

Speaker 2:

Would you agree that it is an important exercise to do some self-reflection and determine if there are ways that we as the adults are contributing to a behavior or if the way we're handling a situation might be making a problem worse?

Speaker 5:

Yeah, I remember so a lot of times. My husband he's a firefighter, so he's usually gone before my kids are even up, and so one of the mornings he was home he was like it seems chaotic in the morning and I was like okay. So then I had to reflect like am I creating the chaos Cause I'm rushing everybody around and getting it Cause I had been joking in the office? One of our supervisors sent me this meme and it was like toddlers exercise and warming up to mess up your morning.

Speaker 2:

And I was like that's how my morning is every morning.

Speaker 5:

But then I just started implementing, like we're going to wake up at this time and this is what we're going to do at this time. So just more of a routine than what we had, which I thought we had a decent one, and it finally settled down. But I had to reflect on what I was doing to cause the chaos, and that was a hard little moment for myself.

Speaker 3:

I think that it's important, as parents, to remember that we're learning too right. Even if you have more than one child, you've never, you know, parented your younger children before, and each child is different, and so we are learning as we go about what works best with each individual child, but also the level of structure needed and the level of freedom needed, and it's a learning curve for all of us, and so we change and adapt, but I think we have to be willing to evaluate and change and adapt.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, and I think what's so hard about reflection is you have to be, you know, calm and still enough to reflect, and so most of us are running so fast, whether it's at work or with our own, you know, families, we don't take that pause to be able to do that and to look at the situation and see, just like what Chloe was saying, is there something I'm doing here? Is there something I could do different that would make this go better? And a lot of time it is our routine gets, you know, gets out of whack, or we've just got too many interruptions that's caused us not to have a routine, and so I think reflection is critical. I just think it's really hard for most of us to find the time to do that.

Speaker 2:

Next, I want to talk about discussions because, thinking back to the iceberg analogy we talked about in a previous podcast, the only way we can understand what is going on below the surface is to talk to the child. Before we do that, I think it's important to acknowledge that it can be difficult to have these conversations. So why do you think adults often struggle to talk to kids about serious issues?

Speaker 4:

So many reasons. One is having the time again, right, I think. When you feel like you don't have time to address something or to really dig into something or be curious about something, then you're going to make a really quick decision about how to handle it. I think the other one is fear. You know, a lot of times we're concerned about what are we going to find out? And again we make up stories, usually way worse than what's actually going to be the truth. But we make up all kinds of things and then probably you know, the other fear is that we're going to mess something up or not know what to do, and so if we turn it into something that we handle quickly and don't put a lot of thought into, we get to avoid all those uncomfortable things.

Speaker 3:

You know, before we were parents, years ago we were teenagers too.

Speaker 3:

And so we remember the choices we made good or bad, right. We often make decisions regarding our children, trying to help them avoid some of the bad decisions that we made, and it can be scary to have a conversation with your child and then they start to question you, right? I don't know why, but I think we need to somehow portray ourselves. As you know, we never did wrong and we did perfect, and we're the decision maker and we're in control, and really that may have the opposite effect than just being able to be honest with our kids about some things we wish we did differently and our desire for them not to suffer some of the same consequences that we did. But you have to be able to let down your guard and show some of your humanity to your child, and that can be hard.

Speaker 5:

I think it goes back to how you were raised. So you know my mom was raised that she wasn't really allowed to ever have a hard conversation, and so really it wasn't until she was married to my dad that she started to understand hard conversations. But still it doesn't come naturally to her. So a lot of times like she'll have to wait a while before she's ready to have the hard conversation, and so sometimes as the adult we might be that way we're not quite ready for it or we're not sure how to respond if the child does tell us something that we're not sure. But I mean just like they appreciate the honesty If you say, okay, I'm not sure how to respond or I'm not sure what to say right now. I think kids respect that because sometimes we're not vulnerable with them and that's us being vulnerable, so all those things.

Speaker 3:

I've heard it said before, too, that you know you can't raise children the same way you were raised, right? If you were raised in the 80s, the cultural context was different and there wasn't social media, and so you can't apply the same standards that you were raised with to children who are being raised in 2023, because the world is very, very different.

Speaker 2:

Can you give our listeners some advice on ways to have conversations so that kids will actually hear what they have to say?

Speaker 5:

I mean, my favorite thing is to let them lead the conversation. So, you know, even if you've just noticed that they seem off and say, hey, I noticed that you came in, you put your backpack to the side, you threw it down and you went to your room. So I just wanted to come and check on you and see what they say, and allowing them to guide it and just remember to try and listen, because it's hard we want to give them or say more than we need to, and so I think that's what I would say is allowing them to guide the conversation.

Speaker 3:

One of the things that we talk about out here is having conversations side by side, because you feel less on the spot than if you were across the desk or someone's staring at you, and so if you could engage your child or teenager in side by side activities you're baking together in the kitchen or taking a walk that is, you know, not only relieves some of the pressure, but it also helps regulate your brain and the child's brain.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, I think you know being regulated yourself and then ensuring that your child is in a place, that they're regulated enough to be able to talk, so those side-by-side activities and then letting them guide it is so hard because there's so much we feel like we're so smart and we have so much wisdom to, you know, distill to them, and so letting them guide it. It's really hard for me to just let my kids tell me what they want to tell me and then step away, instead of me just wanting to keep pushing and pushing to get all of the information that I want and so allowing them to be the ones who control that helps a lot, but it's hard, and I know I keep saying that, but dang, parenting is hard.

Speaker 2:

Suzanne, I was thinking about what you said at the side by side, I know, with my daughters. And even when I was a supervisor and had to respond to on-call emergency issues out here, I'd often drive around with kids in the car, and these would be kids that I had no relationship with, didn't know them, and we'd just be driving around in silence and then all of a sudden they'd just spill their guts and tell me things they hadn't told anyone. I don't think it had anything to do with any special skill I had. It was just there was something about that side-by-side pattern. Rhythmic repetitiveness of the car just opens things up. So I think you're absolutely right on that.

Speaker 5:

I also think you can you know, if they say, hey, no, everything's fine, and you say, okay, well, let me know if you ever want to talk, or when you're ready to talk. I've found that sometimes kids will go like four or five days and then they'll say you, I don't want to talk to you about all that, and so sometimes also giving them that power that when they are ready to finally talk about what's up, that you're there and you're willing to listen at a different time as well.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, and even if they don't come back, I think the noticement is what's important, right that you cared enough to notice and say something about it.

Speaker 3:

Well, and they have to trust that you're not going to overreact, right, if they do finally open up to you and tell you something hard, you've got to be able to control your emotional reaction and not lose it or, you know, scream, but maintain a sense of calmness and extend some respect for them, that they were willing to share that with you and that they would probably appreciate some help.

Speaker 2:

We talked about side by side. But what about size or power differential? How does that factor into having a conversation with kids?

Speaker 4:

I think this is always a factor.

Speaker 4:

Even with it, you know, adult, we sometimes forget when someone is in a position of power, how you, you know, how you move through the space, how you contribute the environment can contribute to making things more comfortable or less comfortable, depending on how you set that up.

Speaker 4:

And so I think power differential and then size differential, all those kinds of things are so important when you want things to go well and you want them to go in a positive direction, and that we often, especially when we're upset, forget that as adults, we do have the power. Even when the kid's done something wrong or cussing at us or whatever, we are the ones that hold the power. And so to be in control of that and to not forget that when we're standing over a kid or pointing at a kid or using our loud voice, that we have more power than they do and that we can be frightening, even if we don't think we we are, or even if the kid is responding in an aggressive way, which leads us to think that they're not afraid, which is really a sign of being afraid and trying to protect yourself yeah, I'm pretty tall and I used to.

Speaker 2:

I've worked primarily with the pre-ed kids out here and I was always confused why they wouldn't talk to me and then I realized I'm towering over them. They're like. So once I started trying to like make sure I was sitting or kneeling when I was having conversations with them, it was amazing how they would be more open just by reducing my size. What would you say is the difference between listening to respond versus listening to understand when we're having these conversations with kids?

Speaker 3:

I think when we listen to respond, we're still trying to control the outcome of that conversation. That's like, basically, we're waiting for an opening to launch into a lecture and while I feel like I lecture really well, you know my kids might not agree but the point is different.

Speaker 3:

Right, if they're not regulated, it doesn't matter what wisdom I share, they can't receive that right? But if I'm listening again, I'm being curious. What are they thinking? You know, how do they see this situation? What's their perspective? And I'll be better able to respond if I've really taken the time to listen.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, I think it is. You know the idea of how you go in there, If you feel like I already know what the answer is and I need to tell you how to do this or do that instead of being curious and being open to what is going on and what you know what do we need to do to make this go better?

Speaker 2:

So are there some things that you would advise our listeners to avoid when trying to have these serious discussions with kids? Oh, so many things.

Speaker 4:

So many things that we talked about. So you know, being aware of, I think, always being aware of how you want it to go right, you want it to have a positive ending or outcome, and so what needs to happen, and so being aware of tone of voice and really the pressure of the schedule, right, sometimes you just don't have time to dig into some things. There's too much stuff going on. And then the power differential, where you arrange to have the conversation, in front of who you have that conversation, and then how regulated both of you are. And then I think about just distractions I think a lot of times we always have something playing in the background and to think about trying to actually do things together, side by side, in the car or whatever, that you're actually able to focus on one another and not be distracted by other things.

Speaker 3:

I think, too, you have to again avoid trying to control the outcome of that conversation and understanding that this may be one of many conversations that you can't always tie tied up with a nice neat bow, even if you're really good at it. That, that, that it may not work out that way, and you have to be open to that.

Speaker 5:

I think too, if you start to see it go south and you just say, hey, we need to come back at a different time, I'm not in a good place and put it on you, right, because I mean, it might not have been you, it could have been, but there might've been something that you contributed to, kind of like what we talked about before, and so just being able to realize it's not going well and to stop it before it gets too escalated because it's easy to do in hard conversations to get escalated- yeah, I think too, not bringing in every wrongdoing ever right, Like the conversation is about one particular thing and not every single thing you've ever done wrong.

Speaker 4:

And so we talk a lot about dropping pebbles, like what Suzanne's saying, like you just want to approach the subject Doesn't mean you're going to cover every single topic that you want to cover, but you just drop a pebble or knock a little bit at the door of what you're wanting to cover because you're probably not going to be able to get into all of it.

Speaker 3:

I think, too, that sometimes kids need time to process the information that you're sharing, and so to expect that at the end of one conversation that they would change their perspective or is unrealistic. That they need some time to process the information and think about it, and that may take a while, and so, again, not a nice need outcome always.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, and that's what we talk about whenever we talk. You know we talk about. It's not a sex talk, right? It's all these conversations that you're having with your child about relationships that leads you to be able to understand those kind of things, and that's how everything is. It's right, we don't. It's not just one big conversation and you're done. I used to think that too. You just get to have one, you just get to talk about it one time, and it should be all taken care of.

Speaker 2:

So apologies are hard for both kids and adults. Why do you think we struggle so much with apologies?

Speaker 3:

You know, our brains don't like to be wrong, so our brains look for information that supports our beliefs and to accept that we've been thinking about something wrong or that we made a mistake. Our brain doesn't really want to go there with us. I feel that in my soul I really don't like to be wrong, and so it's hard to acknowledge I made a wrong decision or I said the wrong thing or I could have handled that better, and sometimes you really have to accept that for yourself before you can extend that apology to another person.

Speaker 4:

I really hate this about our I think about our nature. It's like what Suzanne's talking about we don't like to be wrong, we don't like to admit that and that, unfortunately, being angry feels powerful even when you're wrong, and that anger it feels, it feels kind of a place of power instead of vulnerability, which is really everything that we've been talking about. To be able to say when you've done something wrong or you wish you would have done something different, is to come from a place of vulnerability which doesn't feel quite as powerful, even though it has a better outcome.

Speaker 3:

Most of the time, I think if you watch TV shows or if you watch the news, what you see is that anger is a very acceptable emotion, and how often do you see apologies given? And so it's what's role modeled for us, right? Is that it's okay to be angry, that you should see it my way, but we really haven't had a lot of role modeling of apologies and repair and repair that reconciliation it goes right back to that, or they role model the apology.

Speaker 4:

Well, I'm sorry you got mad about that yeah, you know, not taking responsibility for anything you had to do with it.

Speaker 5:

I'm sorry, but. And you leave it with another sentence.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think we all want our kids to feel remorse when they've done something to hurt someone else. What are some ways we can talk to kids to help them expand their awareness so that they come to the realization that they do need to apologize?

Speaker 3:

I always think it's important that you help your child see things from another person's perspective, and so, you know, I can remember when my children were young and they would come home from school and they were angry, you know, about something another child did, I would always say wow, what do you think, what do you think happened that that made that child respond that way? You know, are you aware of anything that would have caused them to act in that way? And just try to help them put themselves in somebody else's shoes and to say wow, when you said that to a peer, or when you responded to your teacher that way, how do you think that made the other person feel, you know? And so you're just trying to lead them to some insight about how their behavior may have impacted someone else.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, I think too, in order for that to be successful because I've messed this up so many times is that your kid again has to be a place where they can reflect on that right and imagine what it must be like to be someone else. And I know times when I've tried to get my kids to see something a certain way where they weren't in a place to do that. Then they felt like I was taking another person's side or I wasn't actually listening to how they were feeling about something.

Speaker 2:

So while it is a good idea to encourage kids to apologize and make things right, why is it not advisable to make apologizing part of their plan to get their privileges back?

Speaker 3:

I think then it just becomes a checkbox right and it's not sincere. I hate forced apologies. I don't think that that's ever a wise response because it doesn't do anything but check a box right. It's not sincere. It didn't really help them understand. You know what they did wrong or what they could do differently. So when kids do decide to apologize, you want that to be organic and you want it to be their idea, because they understand how their behavior impacted another person.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, and I think we said it before, but I want those things to be from a place of connection and not a place of fear or conditioning or whatever those other things could be, because you feel like you have to, because then it's transactional instead of relational.

Speaker 5:

Yeah, it's like you would want them to do it when you're not around, so it's like you just want them to know deep down, like, hey, this is how I'm going to make it right. But you know, kids are just funny and insightful to me, like they find their own way. It might be a hug, it might be an apology, it might it could be some way they seem to make it right and so some. I've learned that because, you know, even at a young age my kids have learned how to say sorry, and a lot of times it's a hug. It's not always walking over and saying I'm sorry, I did this, this and this, because they don't even have those verbal to say it.

Speaker 2:

So the last area I was wondering if you could weigh in on is some things that might be well-intentioned, but you would advise against when it comes to discipline.

Speaker 3:

I think one of those would be shame. I think that that's become popular in our culture to shame children publicly and people think that that will change behavior, but in reality it often drives more of the same negative behavior. Right? Shame is an external feeling. You know, somebody else said to you you're not getting up, or you're bad at this, or you should be ashamed because you failed a class. But it's not really a very good motivator.

Speaker 5:

We talked about it earlier. But taking away the thing that they value the most or that they're having like that they feel successful in, because really that is where they're having some success. So the moment you take that away, you know you're really just putting them on that island and getting them and so really trying to let them thrive where they're thriving and not getting bogged down on. Oh well, that's what they like, so I'm going to take it away.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, that goes back to you know, reasonable and related and respectful that very often their success is the first thing we want to withdraw, but it may not be related to what the behavior was at all.

Speaker 4:

And I would add that withdrawal of affection. I think sometimes we think we have to withdraw the relationship to make it have the impact we want, and it usually does the opposite.

Speaker 5:

I would also say, if it's a regulatory activity, really think hard before taking that away. You know, if it's going to regulate them, if it's going on a drive with them or you're driving to go, you know, say you're driving to go get ice cream but you're like, well, I'm going to keep you home, but that drive could regulate them. You know, just simple things like that or a walk or so, just think carefully before you take something that's going to regulate your kid away.

Speaker 3:

Which may be PE or recess or ride, that that those are easy, that's an easy button to remove those privileges, but that that physical activity may be what helps regulate and calm their brain and enable them to sit through the next class period.

Speaker 5:

Yeah, and kind of the isolation piece. You know, a lot of times you hear lonely lunch or things like that and really that might be the only time that maybe they're having positive peer interaction. And so you just need to keep that in perspective, that lonely lunch being around their peers as long as it's positive, it's going to be really beneficial.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, and if your goal is to maintain or improve the relationship and help them regulate, then none of those things make sense, right? So if you're keeping that in mind of what you're actually trying to accomplish, then none of those other kind of weird punishments make sense for that.

Speaker 2:

One of the things that jumped into my head was kind of spiritual indictments. Like some people will, I hope that they're well intentioned in these, but they say things like well, you're not acting like someone who's been baptized, or God wouldn't want you to do that, things like that, and it never works the way that I think they hope that it will. And I think it drives them away more than it connects them to.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, I think that contributes to that shame, like what Suzanne was talking about, and we all need to feel less shame, not more.

Speaker 2:

Well, that's a wrap for now on discipline. Thank you so much for joining us today and always remember you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just make sure you get them back.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarleyorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Calfarley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.

Brain-Based Parenting and Discipline Insights
Effective Communication With Children
Effective Communication and Apologies
Effective Discipline Strategies for Children
Brain Based Parenting Information and Support