From Conflict to Connection: Coaching Kids Through Disagreements

Can healthy disagreements in families actually bring us closer together? Our latest episode equips parents and kids alike with the tools to manage emotions and navigate disagreements with grace, all through the lens of brain-based parenting.

Throughout our conversation, we explore essential skills like emotional regulation, setting boundaries, and recognizing when to step in during escalating conflicts. We emphasize the power of role-playing in safe environments to prepare children, especially teenagers, for real-world conflicts. Our guests share insights on the subtle art of body language and how adults can maintain neutrality, acknowledging the importance of validating kids' feelings and fostering empathy. Tune in for a mix of professional wisdom and personal anecdotes that will help transform household chaos into opportunities for growth and understanding.

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Transcript

Conflict Resolution Techniques for Parents

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now. Here is your host. Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer Now. Here is your host. Cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, joshua Sprock.

Speaker 2 0:30

Hello and welcome. Today we're going to continue to talk about conflict resolution. To do that today, I'm joined by Sam Serna, Assistant Administrator of Residential Programs.

Speaker 4 0:38

Catherine Clay, Director of Clinical Services.

Speaker 5 0:41

And Cole Smith from the Transitional Living Program.

Speaker 2 0:43

All right, let's jump into our question of the day, Since we're talking about conflict. What's a dumb fight that you're probably wrong about but will never admit it?

Speaker 4 0:50

I'm not wrong about this, but I will share that. I've been in many arguments, many conflicts about the proper way to part your car, and the proper way is not backwards.

Speaker 2 1:04

I agree.

Speaker 5 1:05

I think you're right on that thank you, josh and she feels very strongly about it. I do. I also don't think that I'm wrong about this, but I will acknowledge that it's pretty dumb how strongly I feel about it. But I have very strong feelings about which disney princesses are good role models or bad role models, and would be happy to do a bonus podcast about that sometime, like a full analysis About how to talk to your kids about the good moral values of Disney characters.

Speaker 3 1:32

I love it Because I'm all about that one. I don't die on a lot of hills. I don't know that I have one. I guess I could just say that I'm not wrong, that Marvel's better than DC's.

Speaker 4 1:40

You're not wrong and I know nothing about that.

Speaker 2 1:45

I seas you're not wrong and I know nothing about that.

Speaker 3 1:46

I'm not wrong about it. Sam and I are about ready to have a conflict. Well, you like to see more? I thought we were friends, I know not anymore.

Speaker 2 1:52

So I know mine is scientifically incorrect, but I was taught growing up that pluto was a planet and I don't care what all the scientists, what anyone says, I will die on the hill that pluto is 100 a planet. So take. So take that, scientists guys.

Speaker 3 2:05

Says the 80s man.

Speaker 2 2:11

Yeah, all right, so let's continue talking about conflict resolution. So how can adults recognize the difference between healthy disagreements and serious conflicts?

Speaker 5 2:15

So I'll start. I think a lot of times you can tell by the emotional temperature in the disagreement. One of the gauges I would use for that is can they disengage and have normal interactions with people outside of that disagreement? That would be some insight that like, oh, they're just disagreeing having a conversation, but if they can't stop the conversation and move on to anything else or acknowledge other people around it, then we may have bordered into. This is now an unhealthy conflict.

Speaker 4 2:43

So I think that if the individuals in the conflict are unable to regulate themselves, their emotions, their behavior, their body, that would be a sign that the conflict is unhealthy. And I think, too, that would be in the way that we're speaking to each other, the language we're using Sarcasm, I think, can really get dicey in situations like that and then really, when we kind of veer away from the topic, or values start to arise, value reps start to arise, I think you can see that when it starts to get personal and about things besides the disagreement.

Speaker 3 3:12

Right. I think another way adults can recognize is look at the people around them. So if two people are talking or disagreeing and there's the people around them, their responses sometimes they know these people, especially if you don't know the kids involved. You might be able to just gauge the temperature based on people's responses.

Speaker 5 3:29

Yeah. Are they gathered for a fight or are they just Healthy discussion, or?

Speaker 3 3:32

are they?

Speaker 5 3:32

kind of ignoring it, are they?

Speaker 3 3:33

disgusted. Are they appalled by?

Speaker 5 3:35

oh, you know teenagers are easy, do they have?

Speaker 2 3:38

their cameras out to film it.

Speaker 3 3:41

You're going to know right. So when and why should adults intervene in a conflict? When those signs have come and you can see that it's turned bad, I think we got to intervene early I think one thing we learned here is we want to get it. While we can get it, turn down that temperature a little bit, maybe separate people that way yeah, I think the more you know the kids, maybe the more clues you've got.

Speaker 5 4:00

so if you see a conflict and you know these children well enough to go they don don't have conflict resolution skills this is going to need some adult assistance or it's going to go bad. Or if you see them and go oh, that's a power imbalance, either through age or maturity or size, you might go oh wait, this needs some adult intervention because this could get one-sided real fast.

Speaker 4 4:20

Yeah, I think too. We out here especially know the relationships on campus right. So if I walk around campus and see two kids that I know have kind of a spotty history with each other or they have been in arguments or fights before, I would try to intervene and approach that, those two kids, or however many kids, quickly.

Speaker 2 4:37

One of the things. I've always noticed that when kids are in conflict, it doesn't typically get better on its own. It usually escalates, and the more it escalates, the better our skills as adults have to be to de-escalate the conflict. So if you intervene quickly, act without hesitation, jump in and kind of help mediate the situation. It's going to be easier on you as well as with the kid. So how do you know when to involve other parents or school staff in resolving a conflict between peers?

Speaker 4 5:04

school staff in resolving a conflict between peers. I think when there's missing information or the narrative isn't complete, or if the information you're getting feels really off, I think that it's important to gather all the information. That may be through another parent or school staff.

Speaker 3 5:14

I also think when safety is involved or very emotionally charged statements. Those are things I might want to explore get other people involved.

Speaker 5 5:20

Yeah, safety, and also like felt safety. You've got a child who's using language of being isolated, not belonging, and they think it centers around this conflict. Then that might be a time to get more adults involved and more eyes.

Speaker 2 5:32

Should parents always intervene in sibling conflicts, or are there times when you let them work it out on their own?

Speaker 5 5:38

I mean I definitely think that there's times where you can let siblings go through conflict on their own. I think there's. It's helpful if you can hear the conflict. If you can hear the conflict and not intervene, then you've got kind of an insight on how to do the game film review. To use a sports analogy, if you can listen to both sides and what they're saying, then if they either bring it to you or if it becomes heated enough that you feel like you have to intervene, then you've got some insight on hey, this is what I heard you saying.

Speaker 5 6:06

To me that sounds like this emotion. Is that what you were feeling? And you can kind of provide some feedback that's not reliant on just their stories that are probably opposing. I also think you know if the conflict is not dangerous, unlikely to escalate, then especially with they have a decent enough relationship anyways. That are these siblings that can play together in a healthy way. Okay, let's let some conflict happen. Are these siblings who never get along and have a rough pattern right now? Then maybe stopping conflict early with some adult intervention is necessary. Also, have you ever trained them? If you haven't provided any skills, then there's nothing for them to use.

Speaker 5 6:44

Besides, what, in my case, what a seven-year-old would think to say or a five-year-old would think to say but if you've provided some skills, then now let them try the skills.

Speaker 4 6:52

Similar to that. I and this isn't your question, josh but I think it's really neat to let kids with supervision or proximity, like Cole's saying, figure out how to repair and make things right. When my two young kids have a conflict, I'll ask how do we want to make it up to your sister, how do we want to make it right with your sister? Do you have some ideas? And they come up with the best ideas, ones that would be far, are far more impactful than what I would say to do, you know. So I think that's a cool thing to try to.

Speaker 5 7:19

Yeah, I think sometimes our adult response to that is go say you're sorry, and they can come up with maybe some more heartfelt responses than a bland I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 7:28

So that kind of leads into the next question what are some ways to help coach kids in resolving their conflicts independently?

Speaker 4 7:35

This goes back to what I said, maybe in the first podcast about conflict, but I think modeling is really valuable.

Speaker 4 7:44

So if there's opportunity to model conflict and resolution obviously there's going to be some conflicts you don't have in front of your kids, but if you can find opportunity to do that and let them see the whole experience of the conflict, the discussion everybody shares their point of view, and then the resolution of that, I think that's a good way to start and then I think from there you'd probably have to be side-by-side coaching. So did you hear what your brother said? He said that he feels upset. Did you hear what your sister said? Like you're going to have to walk them through that. My kids are young. I have a four year old and a six year old and then eventually I think you could probably do some more of what Cole said, which is, see what they can do between the two of them or three of them or whatever, and provide proximity and step in if you have to, and then I'm sure that that will evolve through development, those skills.

Speaker 3 8:28

Sometimes you're given the opportunity to know that there's a potential conflict coming right. So a conflict at school, or maybe a teacher the kids don't get along with, especially with teenagers. That gives you the opportunity to coach in a way. That I like to do is run a scenario hey, what are you going to say? Like, let's say, they know that they didn't finish some project, there's nothing I can do to help, they just have to own it and they know they're going to get some kind of confidence. Whatever it is, I like coaching. Let's do some role play. So what if I'm the teacher and I say this and then you know they give me their thoughts and that's you know, pretend to be emotionally charged. How can they remain?

Speaker 3 9:15

calm so that way they don't get in trouble any more than they might.

Speaker 4 9:17

Well, and that like visualization or rehearsal. I'm sure there's research that says that will improve the outcome when it happens, so I really like that.

Speaker 2 9:27

Yeah, the outcome when it happens. So I really like that. Yeah, you're setting them up for success.

Speaker 4 9:29

Yeah, yeah, well. And the practice in itself is their body's going through it, their mind's going through it, even though they're in a safe space with you. So when that has to happen again, it's like their brain and body's already done it, and it's not new. As new, I think I have some skills for this, or my body remembers these things.

Speaker 5 9:44

Well, and how much better are we able to learn new skills and new information when we're calm? And outside of the conflict. I think a lot of times I want to teach conflict resolution when the conflict is happening, because that's when it's now a conflict for me, because now they've added stress to my internal world and my external world and so now I want to intervene. But if I can take that time, like you're saying hey, this is probably coming up, you're calm, now let's coach this out and let's role play this and let's go through this scenario.

Speaker 4 10:13

I think it's great. I think there's some value too in like observing with your kid shifts in emotional state or shifts in affect or shifts in the temperature in the room, like we like to say before something happens. Like my kids, I'll say, hey, can you see that your brother's frustrated? Did you see that he didn't like when you did that? I think we need to give him some space and that gives her other skills, right, but hopefully we're not going to get to the point where he's coming after her with his Maui hook that he loves.

Speaker 3 10:41

Yeah, I like that. I like what you said. I like that you notice what they're doing or notice what they're saying. You know when you can be there for a conflict in present and even if you don't like, you decide not to intervene and maybe things didn't go great but it resolved and we didn't have to get involved. The really nice thing is you can say, hey, I noticed that this happened, or you said that this could have been better, right, and there's these times where you can just coach and also you kind of know what, how they're operating. You know it's really nice for when you're a kid and you're able to resolve something on your own without violence.

Speaker 3 11:09

You know it's really cool and then. So, if you're a parent and you see that, praise them for it.

Speaker 4 11:14

Hey, that skill, right there is exactly the way you should handle that just right. It's the difference between, like I want this conflict to be over because it's frustrating, it's interrupting our day to day, whatever, and I think that's when conflicts we think that they're bad. But when we're able to do each of these things and they're skill built and then they're going to do something different next time, or they're going to learn how to be empathetic or notice someone's facial expressions, that's when the conflict, the piece about it being good, right.

Speaker 2 11:39

So how do you guide a child to stand up for themselves without escalating the peer conflict?

Speaker 5 11:43

So I was talking to my son the other day and was really big on the power of curiosity. We talk a lot here about being curious and you know, a lot of times we start curiosity statements with I notice a behavior and asking them a feeling. I was talking to him about hey. Would you ever be open to saying hey when you said that I felt this way? Was that your intention? I think for most of his peers they are a lot of. Their conflicts are not because they hate each other and they're intending to be mean. It's about social belonging. I thought I was joking, I thought this is what would be funny and if you say hey, you when you make that joke, it makes me feel bad, sad. Are you trying to make me feel sad? I think at his age, most other seven year old Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 5 12:24

I'm not trying to make you feel sad. I don't want to be Might have been. Suddenly, they're being called out in a non-conflict way.

Speaker 4 12:31

And respectful.

Speaker 5 12:32

Yeah, were you trying to make me feel sad? That's how I felt. Kind of gives them the chance to either apologize, clarify their intention. No, I was not. I thought you would laugh and that can keep that from becoming an escalated conflict.

Speaker 4 12:46

And I think there's balance for this too. I'm a big proponent of boundaries and I think we learn those throughout our entire lives, but in this I'm thinking about elementary or middle school age, where it's okay to say, hey, I don't like that, you called me that name. If you continue to call me that name, I'm going to have to go play with another group, and so I think that we get real weary, like, well, that sounds really mean. Even when I tell my daughter that she goes, that's really mean. I said is it mean or is it protecting you? Right, you gave, you said what you felt, you gave them another shot and then you revisit tomorrow. Right, I'm not saying you don't, you're not going to be friends with this person, but you are going to provide some distance so that you can keep yourself safe.

Speaker 2 13:25

So how can adults help kids repair friendships after a significant conflict?

Speaker 5 13:29

Depending on age. I think some structured play that has my go-to in our family is board games. Board games have clear rules. Proximity is very close. You know, I'm going to find ones that are low anxiety, low energy, but something? Skipbo is a card game. We play a lot and it's very slow, turn-based, and now we're all doing something again together and we're doing it all in a safe way. We all are clear on what the expectations are, because we all know how to play this game. It's familiar, and so now we can have safe, familiar, calm interactions again.

Speaker 4 14:00

Well, and just even that game, or the rhythm of that game, or everybody knows the rules, that in itself is going to turn down the temperature and create felt safety. And then if you do have to have conversations about what happened, you've already regulated everybody in your family and kind of primed them for those conversations, if they're needed.

Speaker 3 14:17

I think the adults got to call it out first too. I mean, especially we're talking about friends. Again I said this before there's always other people involved when you're involved with somebody who's not your child. So I think it's important for the adults to get together and have conversation with their young people, let them see their part of that conflict, how maybe they might have been inappropriate, and to get them back together right, because one of the things they're going to have to learn as adults is how do I I have to be in the same space with this person, how do I exist there? How can I be respectful Maybe not like a person or anything and how can I be respectful in?

Speaker 2 14:49

that moment how?

Conflict Resolution Strategies for Adults

Speaker 3 14:50

do I repair a friendship? Hey, um, you know, I found a long time when I was a kid. I I found that sometimes when my friends were mean to me, they didn't really mean it. I think you said that earlier, colin. Do you mean to make me feel bad? No, I just said that because I thought it was funny and and you really hurt my feelings and I hold on to it or whatever it is right. Or or even when you get into where we're kids, we we rough and tumble sometimes and it got, it gets too far. Nobody ever meant for it to go that far.

Speaker 3 15:11

And we all you know, when we were teens we could recognize. Hey man, I didn't mean for that to go that way. I'm sorry I yelled at you but, I, felt whatever, even though we didn't use feel statements when I was a kid. But you know we did talk about it. We'd shake hands, and I think that's how we got to teach young people is how to come back, how to not avoid each other as possible and just make that repair and see what the other person was coming from.

Speaker 4 15:32

And I think we get extra practice at this in this community because it's a small community. I think about it with our elementary school, but also just the residents that live here that if they don't repair relationships they won't have any relationships, because I mean, our campus is big but if you're in conflict with everybody in your community then you have no friends right, like you're kind of forced, whether you do it the right way or the wrong way. You're forced to repair.

Speaker 2 15:55

What are some things that adults should avoid saying or doing during a conflict to ensure they don't unintentionally escalate it?

Speaker 5 16:01

I'll put in a plug for watching your body language. Depending on you, and then depending on the child, you may already be physically intimidating, twice their size towering over them, and that could be, if you're totally calm, in a relaxed posture, still an intimidating presence. And so getting small, sitting down, kneeling, getting to where you're no longer the towering over individual, and then if you're in conflict or fear or anger, then you're probably also tense and they can feel anger and that how can they operate in any sort of conflict, calm, resolution if they don't feel safe because they've got a giant standing over them?

Speaker 4 16:36

I think, anything that would invalidate and I don't think people do this intentionally, but anything that would invalidate the emotions in this experience or this conflict. So I think sometimes, with pure intent, we go into these situations and say, hey, this isn't a big deal, let's just move on. And I think, again, pure intent, we just want this to be over. But that can rile kids back up because, we've all said this, they are very emotionally driven and this is a big deal the fact that you took my, you know basketball or whatever and so I think, trying to take the kids seriously with what's going on both kids or however many kids it's going to be important.

Speaker 3 17:08

Adults are way more powerful than they realize. Even if it's your kid or you're working with other children, the things we tell them can make impact forever. You know I would avoid saying things like, you know, name calling. Sometimes we're trying to make a point and we will say something. I don't even want to say things, but you know you'll say something that's super emotionally charged. You might not mean it or you might, in the moment just trying to make a statement or a point of how much I care and love you and that what you're doing right now is not smart and all the things. And I think that those statements and made in anger and stress and in a loud tone or not can really create some problems for a young child.

Speaker 3 17:45

It also breaks the trust they might have for you and teaches them the wrong way to have conflict Right.

Speaker 4 17:55

Which is what we're trying to learn here and teach them. Isn't that interesting to think about like an adult. Sure, we've all done it, but kind of walk into a situation to try to diffuse a conflict and we come at it in a way that is also conflictual and then expecting it to turn out well. It's tough.

Speaker 3 18:05

Yeah, I mean, some people want to use their power, their presence.

Speaker 4 18:08

Because we want it to be done right, because there's discomfort in us or fear in us or whatever. It takes a lot to be able to I think Cole said this to just like be in that moment and that presence, with those kids not really knowing which way we're going to go here. That's hard to do.

Speaker 3 18:21

Can we acknowledge how embarrassing it is when our kids are fighting with other kids?

Speaker 1 18:24

Everybody else is there.

Speaker 3 18:26

You have to do something about you're expected to almost right. Right and you know, so we get emotional Right yeah because now we feel, judged, we feel less than.

Speaker 5 18:36

I mean, we work in professional child care settings and so whenever our kids are acting crazy which might have been known to do from time to time and in public and man, there's a lot of feelings and judgment that comes with that, even if no one else is even noticing or caring.

Speaker 2 18:53

So that leads really into this next question how can we as parents or teachers remain neutral when mediating conflicts between kids? Because I think sometimes we get emotionally hijacked with our kids too and we want to defend them.

Speaker 5 19:04

And I think the first thing is to check and see if you actually are neutral. Whether it's your own kids, whether it's other kids, whether it's kids at school, we all approach every situation with our past experiences in mind. I'm sure it's been said before on this podcast the brain is lazy and it wants to see things through the lens of the past, and so if we know, hey, this kid is likely to have started the fight, then that may be how we approach the conflict and that may be the lens we hear both of their stories from. And it may be right that time or not. And now you are reinforcing to another child that they won't be taken seriously.

Speaker 3 19:38

So I was thinking when y'all were talking about how can parents or teachers right, remain neutral? Y'all remember that. I don't know if I should say, but inside out, where the man's like put down the boot and he pushes the button right. So parents have the boot right, we can put down the foot right, right, and teachers have an eject button right, I can send a kid out of my class right, yeah.

Speaker 3 19:56

So I got to remember what's my goal right? What's my goal as a parent? What is my goal as a teacher? My goal as a teacher is to learn, teach kids, to show them something, and my goal as a parent is to make healthy adults. Wires me to remain neutral. So if kids are having conflict between each other in either of those settings, no matter how I'm feeling about it, I have to remember why I'm here and what's my purpose?

Speaker 3 20:17

So hopefully teachers have some sort of training that has some kind of conflict resolution training or not and parents don't often get that, but look up some things of how you remain calm. But how do you do it? Deep breaths, anticipate. You know that some kids are going to say things that are kind of off the wall sometimes. So you got to anticipate that, anticipate that they're not going to think you're on their side, but ask questions or maybe separate them from the group.

Speaker 3 20:40

A group is a terrible place to be A group, especially in a classroom setting or where there's more kids around. Get them separated. Speak maybe with them one-on-one first, but the most important part is to keep my calm. The worst part is I think that's what y'all were saying earlier. We want it done. Teachers need to move on and teach. Parents gotta cook, I gotta move to the next thing, I gotta get to work. We have to slow down and just remember. But I think it's the modeling of it all. Take deep breaths, hear each side make a judgment call. What's going to resolve this thing today? Do I need to split these people up?

Speaker 3 21:09

Do I need to send one kid to the room and both kids to their room. Do I need to? Hey, give me a minute to talk to one while I talk to you? I think making the both kids feel heard is the biggest part about resolving this conflict. That's usually what it's about.

Speaker 2 21:21

I think you make actually a really good point about the slowing down, because we, as adults, we have our agenda, our schedule, everything we want to get done, done, done. But if we rush it and it doesn't actually get resolved, and then even though you may have resolved it quickly for that moment, it's probably going to rear its head later in the day, so you really haven't saved any time. You're actually just delaying the conversation. Take the time and work through that, I think is a pretty important point.

Speaker 3 21:43

I tell my staff members who work with kids. I tell them, hey, the easy button's not always the right button. Sometimes doing the right thing takes time, so do the right thing every time.

Speaker 2 21:52

All right. Thank you so much for joining us today. If you'd like to contact us and ask us a question, our email address is podcast at calfardlyorg. I'll leave a link in the description. Also, if you haven't already, don't stress out about it. It's super easy. Just follow and subscribe to the show and leave us that five-star review, as always. Remember you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just make sure you remember to get them back.

Speaker 1 22:12

Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarleyorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Calfarley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.