Rebuilding Trust with Your Child

In this episode, we share practical strategies for parents to rebuild trust with their children after it has been compromised. Listen to real-life examples of turning everyday situations into valuable teaching moments, focusing on children's strengths, and setting clear yet non-restrictive boundaries. Our guests highlight the balance of "trust but verify," ensuring your child feels supported rather than micromanaged. Celebrate those small victories, practice relationship repair, and understand the necessity of explaining rules to help children value trust and boundaries. Tune in for insights that will empower you to nurture a supportive family environment.

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Transcript

Building Trust in Parent-Child Relationships

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, joshua Sprott.

Speaker 2 0:30

Hello and welcome. Today we're going to talk about a difficult parenting problem of when our kids break our trust and how to reconcile that relationship. To do that today, I'm joined by Chloe Hewitt, Youth and Programs Administrator.

Speaker 4 0:40

Cole Smith from the Transitional Living Department.

Speaker 5 0:43

And Taylor Halsey a Casework Supervisor.

Speaker 2 0:47

All right, so let's kick off with our question of the day, since we're talking about trust. On a trust scale, of zero being super gullible and 100 being highly skeptical, where, would you say you personally, fall?

Speaker 3 0:55

I mean, I would love to say that I'm like closer to 100. I am probably a 10 or 20. I will not lie, I'm very gullible, but I'm married to a very highly skeptical person, so maybe that evens us out.

Speaker 4 1:05

I'd probably say I'm 50, maybe a little higher, closer to the skeptical range. But I'll give certain people or certain experts the benefit of the doubt and then others maybe a little more skeptical of.

Speaker 5 1:15

I feel like I'm pretty highly skeptical. I would say probably like a 75 with most situations. I feel like I'm less skeptical when it comes to kids, though that goes down, but just grownups, I'm pretty skeptical of you probably. I would agree with that statement.

Speaker 2 1:31

I'm a hard zero. I'm the most gullible If you tell me something I'm like really.

Speaker 4 1:34

That's oh wow.

Speaker 2 1:37

I fall for everything. I've been several times the you know those phone call people get me and, yeah, those are not fun stories for me.

Speaker 4 1:44

You've really helped out a lot of Nigerian princes. Is that the case?

Speaker 2 1:48

I actually have Almost Suzanne saved me All right. So, since we're talking about trust, how would you define trust in a parent-child relationship?

Speaker 5 1:58

I feel like everybody has to feel safe in that relationship and feel like you can be open, sharing your thoughts and emotions.

Speaker 3 2:06

Yeah, I mean I think it looks like open communication, whether that's about things that might be hard for you to hear, but your child feels safe enough to say that to you. So I would say how well they feel like they can open communicate about different situations or peers, or even about if you do something wrong, that they feel open enough that they could tell you and let you know that.

Speaker 4 2:23

Yeah, I think also trusting the other person's going to handle their role. So if a child is trusting that a parent is going to meet their needs, look out for them, have their best interests at heart, and a parent trusting that a child will follow through with what they've asked them to do and kind of meet expectations.

Speaker 2 2:36

So that leads into why is maintaining trust so important for both parents and kids?

Speaker 3 2:40

Well, I mean, you know, I think it goes back to safety, kind of like what Taylor was saying. Like I think, as long as we feel like we can trust a person, that typically means that we can feel safe. And then from there, you know, if we use our model of leadership, we talk a lot about how, once the safety is met, then we can kind of hit all the other areas. So I think it is important so that you feel safe in the relationship.

Speaker 4 2:58

Yeah, I think lack of trust breeds a lot of fear, and just like that, lack of safety, fear breeds a lot of behavior. It can create anger, it can create mistrust, miscommunication issues misperceptions, the more you don't trust.

Speaker 5 3:11

Like it's a cycle, it's going to keep building, so one little thing can turn into lots of big things.

Speaker 2 3:16

So what should parents avoid doing when they first discovered that their child has done something to break their trust?

Speaker 3 3:21

I mean, I think the obvious one is to not shame. I think that will definitely lead them to going more internal, and so then they might not actually tell you what caused it, or or it's hard to be curious about it, and so then you might not realize there could be a good reason why they broke your trust. You know, maybe it was the safer option that they chose. So if they chose to leave the house and go ride their bike, but it was better than them leaving the house with a friend, you know, I mean like there could be another reason why they did it, and so it's important to know that, because there could be a better reason underneath the surface. So, making sure you're responding, not reacting.

Speaker 4 3:56

Yeah, I think a lot of times parents want to go into lockdown mode when trust has been broken, and when you control everything around you, there's now no longer opportunities for trust to be rebuilt. All choices are taken away, and so once you kind of go into that hard lockdown mode, you get stuck in that cycle where there's not an exit to it.

Speaker 3 4:11

Well, I think you have to first like it's almost like we talk a lot with the kids about stop, think, then react, and so I think a lot of times you have to stop and realize, like what is driving it. So, like what is driving you wanting to take everything? Is it the fear in yourself that, like something could have happened to your child or that they made the wrong choice? And how does that make you look like trying to figure out what actually is causing you to want to take away or respond incorrectly?

Speaker 2 4:32

So how can parents keep their emotions in check, to address the situation constructively?

Speaker 3 4:37

You know I talk about this, I've talked about this a lot in previous podcasts.

Speaker 3 4:40

I my husband is better at like waiting to talk through things, and I was kind of raised that you have to talk about it immediately.

Speaker 3 4:47

And so sometimes and he's also the more calm when under pressure, when something happens so I've learned, even in my position here and then, even as I've kind of adapted into parenting which I think is the case but that you don't always have to talk about it initially.

Speaker 3 5:00

So I think the way to do it is to maybe take a step back and maybe not have the conversation right then. Now, obviously, the younger your kid is, the more you're going to have to have the conversation quicker, but maybe you do need 10 minutes to gather yourself to figure out like, hey, I need to be calm before I walk in this room and redirect it, but there are some situations that you have to react immediately, and so I think I've talked about this before that a lot of times when we get called on, call like I will tell myself be calm, aware and respectful, right? So I'm telling myself that as I'm responding and walking into a situation because you know your mind can do a lot and if you're telling yourself that prior to walking into a hard situation, so I think you can do the same thing with yourself before you go talk to your kid like, be calm, aware and respectful in the conversation.

Speaker 4 5:39

Yeah, I think it's important. We talk a lot about regulation and regulating our children, but regulating ourselves is just as important. And even those small pause moments, if that's all you've got, pause, breathe, and then, I think, thinking through what you want the relationship to look like at the end of the situation, kind of keep that goal in mind whenever you start the conversation, because if you don't want it to be an antagonistic, controlled relationship at the end, maybe don't go in super hard at the beginning well, I think some of it is just like practicing it.

Speaker 5 6:05

When it's not like a crisis, like Chloe, I know with your kids, you give them breaks and you take breaks sometimes and so when you're in a less stressful time they know to expect all those things and you practice it. So that way when it is something, you can keep it in check because everybody knows what you're doing.

Speaker 3 6:21

Yeah, yeah, I think it's real important to like and I verbalize it, I think that's an important one to say hey, mom has to take a break before we can talk about this, because it also then teaches them that it's okay to do that when they're in a stressful situation, because you're not always going to be there, especially the older they get in their school age. At school, if they have interactions, they don to when someone breaks their trust.

Speaker 2 6:41

I was thinking of a previous podcast on lying when we talked about one of the main reasons kids lie is that sense of underlying fear, and if they're afraid of us then they're probably not going to open up and be honest with us. So, keeping our emotions in check, I think is really important to keep that fear level down so that maybe they will tell us the truth. So what are some of the common reasons? You guys see that kids do break their parents' trust.

Speaker 3 7:08

I mean, I think you're going to see a wide spectrum here. I think a lot of times there is some peer interactions in that that can cause like they want to be cool and be in with their peer group, so they're going to break that trust. And I think you're going to see some testing of boundaries, like when they're ready to say, hey, like I'm kind of in my own, I don't need to take your advice, and then they break. But what we talk a lot about is you can kind of learn from mistakes. So sometimes that's in a healthy way. Even if they test the boundaries and it breaks trust, they might have learned something that maybe they needed to learn from their own experience. I think sometimes too.

Speaker 5 7:33

with a lot of the kids we work with is like attachment comes into play and if you break that trust, that relationship is fractured and that feels more comfortable than closeness. I think sometimes kids, not intentionally but subconsciously, are breaking trust in different ways because it creates a pattern that is familiar and more comfortable.

Speaker 3 7:52

And I think that's really cool because then you can talk about how, the way to break that cycle. Some is even the way you respond to it, because if you respond differently than their previous caretaker, or even just and you have in previous times, then you're breaking the cycle and then starting to build the trust. But it still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when it happens.

Speaker 2 8:09

So how can parents identify the underlying issues, such as peer pressure, fear of consequences or lack of communication?

Speaker 4 8:15

Yeah, definitely that you've got to start with curiosity. We as parents often think we know the reasons things are happening. Either we think we've been there before or, through our years and wisdom, we can figure out what's going on. But just the power of curiosity and question asking whenever you enter into those situations I think is super important and I think the more open and humble you come into those conversations, the more likely you are to get some honest feedback from your children and the kids you're working with.

Parent-Child Trust Building Strategies

Speaker 3 8:42

Yeah, I mean, I think sometimes this looks like they drop you a pebble right. So, like recently, my son's been talking about a kid in his class getting in more trouble, and so he tells me about different situations with it. So recently, we did his Thanksgiving lunch this week and the first thing he like says to me my husband is yeah, he got fired from his job today. He was helper B and he got fired and I said and so I was curious if he was trying to like pick my brain about it or even and I use it as a way to like talk through it and how he ended up getting consequences. Does he get another chance? Yeah, he does. And so I think that you can also pay attention to the pebbles, because they will drop us like a one sentence, and so follow through with it and try and see and then maybe even use it as a teaching opportunity.

Speaker 4 9:33

And that kind of helps you give them a window into your values and provide some clarity about how what you believe and what you're trying to shape your family unit to believe and affect those situations when it happens to them.

Speaker 5 9:38

So true, or how even you're just going to react if he messes up how you might respond.

Speaker 2 9:42

How can kids demonstrate that they are working to regain their parents' trust then?

Speaker 5 9:45

I think it's a lot of open communication and discussing it, because I feel like a lot of kids get overwhelmed by trying to regain trust. It feels like you can't, and so open communication of what needs to be seen and what steps you're taking, and that you don't have to completely change everything that you've ever done. It can be little, small steps.

Speaker 3 10:05

And I think it's like paying attention to, it's kind of like islands of competency, right, like so paying attention to, like what they do well.

Speaker 3 10:11

So a lot of times when I'm in the thick of it with my kids, I'll like even ask my friends.

Speaker 3 10:15

I'm like hey, how, what do you like, how does your interactions with my kids, or like their teachers, how are they doing at school? Because I could be in the thick of it and it could be really hard for me because I'm their safe person to like completely express every emotion on, but that might not actually be how things are going, and so if I look at 90% of the time they're doing well, then maybe they are. There is a lot of trust built there. I'm just sometimes catching the hardest moments and so I think remembering where they're doing well and then maybe focusing in on that and allowing them to have more access to those outlets we talk a lot about, like if they're doing well at basketball, then maybe allowing that and then maybe even trying to do more one-on-one with them in basketball and over-complement that area, and so because that's building maybe their self-esteem and so maybe that's what they need, you know, trying to figure out and be curious about what's driving some of the mistrust.

Speaker 2 10:59

One of the things I've seen a lot of parents do is, when their kid breaks their trust, they get so scared that they overcompensate and become very, very controlling and unfortunately, what that does, I think, is makes the kid feel real hopeless, and then they kind of just give up, and then it makes the problem twice as bad.

Speaker 3 11:16

What do you guys think about that? Yeah, you know, I think we see that a lot in our house parents. Sometimes we also see it in the families. The families will probably which Taylor can speak to that almost retract and say they want to take away the relationship because it's hurting, and so I do think that we see them almost kind of like helicopter the kids as well, and what we talk about all the time is don't take everything away from them. So we recently had a kid that was really struggling on campus and ended up not working out, but the one thing I kept telling that team was to stop taking everything from him, because if they get down to nothing, then they don't have anything to work towards. And so I think that you see that a lot, and then sometimes they lose everything and it's hard to work with them because they don't feel like they have anything that they are successful in.

Speaker 5 11:53

I think the parents often are just afraid of being hurt again and it's hard to open yourself up to that over and over again, especially like with the attachment of it's probably going to happen a lot and it's going to be really painful, and that is a lot for a person to take over and over again.

Speaker 2 12:09

So how can parents use these moments as teaching opportunities without shaming the child?

Speaker 4 12:14

I think it's really hard for children not to feel shame if they're not hearing very directly and outwardly how high their value is and how much they're loved. So, starting all of those conversations with kind of the recognition of, hey, I love you a lot, you are great, you're amazing, give some examples of ways in which they show those values that y'all share together. They need to hear it, because they're going to hear very directly from you the things you're upset about, and so they also need to hear very directly from you the things that give them value.

Speaker 3 12:43

Yeah, I mean, I think talking through the entire situation too, and then maybe ask them, like what are some different ways it could have happened? Like allowing them some critical thinking skills in this and then reaffirming you know, I say this all the time when I end bed I always have my kids repeat the words that I believe about them, and so, like for my son it's that he's funny and that he's smart and he's kind, and then for my daughter it's that she's smart and witty, and so, like I have them repeat after that because I want them to hear every night what I do believe about them. Because, you know, I think about the piggy bank analogy that we've got to pour a lot into it when we take out, and so I think, in just continuing to praise them each day is important, because you are going to have to have these hard conversations.

Speaker 4 13:20

Yeah, that's great.

Parental Trust Building Strategies After Betrayal

Speaker 2 13:20

All right. So what strategies can parents implement to strengthen trust and communication going forward then, after a kid has broken trust?

Speaker 5 13:27

We do a lot of conference calls of practicing making that repair and discussing it. I think a lot of kids don't really know how to repair a relationship and so, talking through a hey, this thing happened and we're still going to move forward and learning how to make things right.

Speaker 3 13:43

I think, which this applies to any relationship, I think in marriage and friendships, I think you just can't bring continue to bring it up Like once y'all have discussed it and there's forgiveness given. It really doesn't need to be continued to brought up daily, or even in an argument six months later, because I think then that shows that you really haven't forgiven, or there's not, or we haven't moved on. So I think that's a strategy is hey, okay, we're not going to bring that up, that's done. Now we're going to move forward. One of the other strategies we use a lot when parents are really struggling with their kids on campus, we talk a lot about just doing neutral topics so school, or how is this friendship, or how was your church tonight, and like specific questions about neutral topics that might not get heated. And then even just, you know, asking them a simple task Maybe it's this chore, making your bed and if they've done it, then okay, then they did their word, they built your trust.

Speaker 4 14:36

And so moving forward, like taking the small wins also, yeah, giving them ownership in those small wins, I feel like is really important. Another strategy that I hear y'all use a lot in casework is setting clear boundaries for what's going to happen moving forward. It happens a lot in our context with home visits or conference calls, so everyone knows, all right, in these situations, this is what's going to happen. In these situations, this is what's expected, and we do it a lot professionally, but it can also as a great resource for in your own family unit In these situations. Here's the boundaries, here's the expectations. You know for your teenagers, this is when you can and when you can't go out with friends. This is what times. These are the reasons behind it, these are the values that we think those uphold, whether it's safety, you know, depending on what your family unit's values are, but having those clear boundaries moving forward.

Speaker 3 15:18

Yeah, I mean, I think that's like so beautiful, like I talked. You know, when I lived on campus, it was easy to let my kids play in the front yard or the backyard and not be out there, right. It was very difficult when we moved to town. I was like, hey, y'all can't just hang out in the front yard without me, like because I don't know everybody and we don't. It's not the same element, right.

Speaker 3 15:33

And so setting that expectation and explaining as to why it wasn't that I didn't trust you, is that it was less of a risk, right, and so I think that is really important to just outline it and it kind of explain it, because there are questions about like, hey, well, this person can do this and I am, we can't. So this is why and you know, we talk a lot about that, a lot with our kids here If they shoplift, then the next time they go they might not get to go to town, and then the next time they go you have to stay by my side because you violated my trust and so you need closer proximity, and so simple things like that kind of explaining as to why we put more boundaries in place can also help, because you know it's not that I don't want to allow you the opportunity.

Speaker 5 16:09

We think sometimes even it can break down to just the communication of I've had to walk kids through. Okay, this is exactly what we're going to say and how we're going to say it, and this is how you can phrase it, because they have all of these things going on in their head and when it comes out it's all jumbled and it can sound hurtful and that's not what they mean. But it's hard to organize all of your thoughts and emotions and say it in a way that people understand what you're thinking.

Speaker 2 16:30

So there's a phrase trust but verify. It's often used in parenting. How can parents apply this concept effectively without making their child feel micromanaged or distrusted, and do you have any practical examples of trust but verify in action?

Speaker 3 16:43

I have a simple one. That happened yesterday. It's so silly, but my son decided that he needed soil from our garden and I was like no, you don't for his class and I was like I don't think you need. He said Ms Weathersby doesn't care and I was like she does care and so I said I need to check with her and if she says this is okay, then I am okay with you taking it. But he was like I'm going to go put my stuff in my. I think it's really cool that he wanted to bring it and share. So he's more than welcome as long as it's in a baggie. But I did trust but verify, like hey, are you sure you want this in your classroom? And not that I don't trust him, it just is. I also am navigating, learning how school works because he's in kinder, and so that's a simple one with my son and I kind of explained to him it's not that I don't and I think I said it's not that I don't trust you, I just need to ask and make sure this is okay. So that's a simple one.

Speaker 3 17:35

A lot of times with our kids we'll say the same thing, like if they say, hey, I can go over to a different home today.

Speaker 3 17:40

Okay, well, we're going to need to follow up on that to make sure that that home doesn't have another activity or something. And so just explaining to, recently I had an adolescent boy who wanted to know why he couldn't just go to the wrestling room and wrestle at our gym. And I said because there's been. And so he was very upset and said it had been going on for a couple of months and he wanted to know the reason why. And so he marched himself over to me in front of our headquarter building and said I want to know why. And I said okay, and so I explained everything. I mean he had his counselor next to him and then he said told his counselor because she called me after. He said he didn't love the decision, but he very much appreciated being explained the situation and understanding now why he was told no, because no one had explained it. And so I think sometimes if we can just explain why we need to verify it or even the decision, it does kind of help them feel less micromanaged or even distrusted.

Speaker 4 18:25

I think the trap and the trust would verify, is that you're in some way going to be a spy or be sneaky about it and we all have our other avenues of information. You know, in your, in your kid's life, it's the school, it's the other adults, all of that that's present and that doesn't need to be a sneaky behind their back situation as much as they know. Hey, yeah, I check in and talk with the other adult in your life so that I also hear what they're thinking, what their perspective is. It's not a mistrust what they're thinking, what their perspective is. It's not a mistrust. It's just me doing responsible parenting to also talk to other people and make sure we've got the best information and everyone's perspective. And so it is. Hey, thank you so much for telling me that.

Speaker 4 19:00

I also want to check in with what the school sent out about that situation to make sure there's nothing that was missed or nothing that we read the same thing and interpret it differently. So it's not I'm calling you a liar, it's. I want to get all the best information I can and I think the trap is to think I'll say yes, I trust you, and then go behind their back and try to find out if there's a different reason, and then you've got no way to approach it without breaking the trust. And so I think being very open about it.

Speaker 4 19:22

A lot of times when I'm doing on call interventions here on campus, I have to be very upfront with the kids. Whatever you tell me, I don't work with you every day. I don't know all of your situation. I'm going to have to talk to other people about it, and so this isn't a you tell me and that's the end of the situation. I said no, I'm not going to go talk about it for fun with people who don't need to know the information, but there's going to be people who I do need to share this with.

Speaker 3 19:50

someone's going to need to know the information besides me so that they can look out for your needs in the best way. And I think, when you do find so, if you verify and it is not accurate, going back and having that honest conversation of hey, I did go back, like I told you, I was going to go back and this is what that looked like and this was the conversation. So help me understand why there were differences. And still being curious in that conversation, because you want to sometimes react in that moment but there could again be a good reason why. There could also be a bad reason why. So I'm not saying vice versa, but just being curious, because then maybe you could get into what was driving that thinking and maybe you can help change that thinking. So always look for a reason to kind of grow from the situation.

Speaker 5 20:24

Well, I think framing it all this way is also just modeling how to communicate with people, like there are times you may talk to somebody and say, okay, I don't know. I need to verify with whoever. And it's just because everybody needs to be on the same page. So just also modeling like hey. Sometimes you just have to follow up and ask questions and figure out what's going on.

Speaker 2 20:40

So how can parents encourage honesty even when they know their child has done something wrong?

Speaker 5 20:45

I think, being consistent in your reactions and they know, no matter what they tell you, that you're going to react calmly or take a minute to calm down or whatever it is of.

Speaker 3 20:54

You know what to expect from somebody, no matter what you're going to tell them yeah, I mean, I think, also being transparent with, in the moment, saying, hey, you can tell me the truth. I know that that might be hard to hear, but I I want to know what's really going on. And then, if you need time, because it's a, there are some topics that we all Like. So I have certain things that I have to take a step away from because of what I've dealt with in the past or even where I've worked in the past. And so just knowing that, like, if you need to take time and say, hey, we're going to talk about it, it's going to be a minute, but encourage them that you're going to try and be as calm as possible and do and have that conversation.

Speaker 2 21:36

All right If you'd like to contact us and ask us a question. Our email address is podcast at calfarleyorg. I'll leave a link in the description. Trust that you've already followed and subscribed to the show and left us a five-star review, but if you haven't, now would be a great time to reestablish that trust and just go ahead and do it and, as always, remember you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just make sure you remember and get them back.

Speaker 1 21:48

Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarleyorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.