Addressing Bullies: Practical Strategies for Parents

We dive deep into the issue of childhood bullying, exploring how parents, caregivers, and educators can better support children facing these challenges. With personal stories and expert insights, we highlight practical strategies for fostering a safe environment for kids.

• Understanding why children hesitate to report bullying 
• Personal experiences with childhood bullying 
• The role of parent-teacher communication in addressing bullying 
• Strategies to empower children to speak up 
• Creating a supportive peer culture 
• Importance of adult vigilance in bullying prevention 

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Transcript

Welcome to Brain

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now. Here is your host. Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer Now. Here is your host. Cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, joshua Sprott.

Speaker 2 0:30

Welcome back. Today, we're going to continue to talk about bullying and how to address it. To do that, I am again joined by Denny Culley, houseparent Earl Holm.

Speaker 4 0:38

Carol Culley, houseparent Earl Holm.

Speaker 5 0:41

Suzanne Wright. I oversee training and counseling.

Speaker 2 0:44

All right, let's jump into our question of the day. So when you were a kid, how did you deal with being bullied Back?

Speaker 3 0:49

then it was that more of a one-on-one. You confront them after school or you did it in class and got kicked out of school, but it was. You confronted the individual and once you confronted them, it was over, it was done and over, basically.

Speaker 4 1:04

I would say, as a female, though, it didn't go out that way, because as a girl, the bullying continues. Because if you're slightly overweight or you don't have the right color of hair, you didn't have the right color of shoe or you didn't wear the right dress, you were bullied for a very long time. So for girls it's very much harder to okay, I was bullied, but now we've overcome it. It doesn't work that so well for girls, so it takes a little longer.

Speaker 5 1:27

I think that I was pretty good at ignoring it. I didn't really care a lot what other people thought, and so I think just naturally, if they made fun I won't say it didn't hurt my feelings, but I was pretty good at just ignoring it and going on and assuming that that was their issue and not mine, and I think that's unusual.

Speaker 2 1:47

I would always try and avoid the bullies as much as. I could. There were some that I couldn't, and if they were teasing me or picking on me, usually I would just try and joke around with it and whatever they would say, I would agree with whatever, and hoping that that would kind of take the power away. Sometimes that worked and sometimes it made it worse. All right, so today we're going to talk more about addressing bullying.

Speaker 4 2:10

But why do you think kids are reluctant to report bullying? Because they're afraid it's going to get worse, or harmful physically harmful to them.

Speaker 5 2:13

What do they say? Snitches get stitches.

Speaker 3 2:15

Yeah, they're going to be retaliated against or they're going to. It makes them feel weak, more weak than what they were.

Speaker 5 2:21

Yeah, I think sometimes too, they've tried to tell and adults didn't listen. That's a conflict. You just need to go work it out. They wouldn't be reporting it if they felt they had the capacity to work it out without adult help.

Speaker 4 2:33

Well, and they feel unsafe.

Speaker 5 2:35

Yeah.

Speaker 4 2:35

They're coming to an adult because they're feeling extremely unsafe. So, they're hoping that the adult will step in and save them from the humiliation that they're feeling. Yeah, adult will step in and save them from the humiliation that they're feeling.

Speaker 2 2:43

Yeah, that's one of the things. In talking to kids after big events, I always ask them why didn't you tell anyone about it? And they would say well, I did, just no one listened and take them seriously. So what do you think parents, teachers and caregivers can do to help kids feel more empowered to actually tell someone when they're being bullied?

Speaker 4 3:09

That they're safe, that they're bullying. You know we will work through the bully whatever it takes.

Speaker 3 3:11

Go to the school, go to other parents, whatever it makes to help them feel safe and secure that they have the confidence to come out and tell somebody that this is what's going on, yeah, and explain to them that it is not okay to bully people. Let them know that you understand and you are hearing and you're there for them to help them through it and, again, to make them feel safe and understand that they have someone they can go to and get help.

Speaker 5 3:27

I think that's hard for parents and teachers. They're busy, they have a lot going on, right? And now here's one more problem laid at your feet for you to have to take the time and effort to intervene. But it's so important, right, it just needs to go to the top of your to-do list that you provide safety to your child or your student or your kid in Sunday school. You know, whatever that situation is, that that be considered a priority for that child. Even though it is going to take some time and effort on your part, it's an extra task for you to do.

Speaker 4 3:59

Well, it's not only an extra task for the parent that should be used. You know your children's safety should be above all, any question. But getting your child to know that you are listening and that you care about their safety so they know that they can go to that next adult. You know Our daughter was bullied in her junior year and they actually pushed her into oncoming traffic. Oh, my goodness.

Acknowledging Parent Struggles with Bullying

Speaker 4 4:20

And she ran home and I had just gotten off work. She ran home and told me, I loaded her up in the car and we drove straight back to the school and I talked to the principal and the resource officer.

Speaker 1 4:32

I'm like I am not going to tolerate this anymore.

Speaker 4 4:33

If she cannot walk from school to home that is less than four blocks, without being pushed into oncoming traffic and almost killed. You guys are going to fix this because it was on your time, not mine. So you fix my kid and the school. You know they suspended the four girls that did it, you know. But it made my daughter feel safe. She knew that I was listening and I heard her and we had.

Speaker 4 4:51

We handled it right then and there we didn't wait two weeks to go to the school and say, hey, can we have a meeting? No, yeah, you know, have to listen to the kids.

Speaker 2 4:58

You have to advocate for them.

Speaker 4 4:59

Yes.

Speaker 3 5:00

That's important, that's powerful, yeah, because some of these kids they don't feel like anyone is advocating, yeah, they don't feel like they have no one. So again that makes them really reluctant to even come and talk to you in first place. And if you step up and you show them that, then that gives again, it gives them a little bit of that power to say I do have someone else.

Speaker 5 5:17

Yeah, and that someone else could be a coach or a teacher or a Sunday school teacher, or you know it may be. It may be someone other than a parent.

Speaker 4 5:25

And it could be their best friend. I mean they may not have a big friend circle, but they might have that one friend that says, hey, you don't need to call my friend. That.

Speaker 1 5:32

That's my friend, yeah.

Speaker 4 5:33

You know, and just that will help them build some sort of. You know, I'm safe with him.

Speaker 2 5:42

I know I can trust him and he's going to help me through this. You know, it could be anybody. So one of the most common advice I hear people give to kids about bullying is that they have to stand up to the bully. Why might that sound like good advice but actually can make the problem a lot worse?

Speaker 4 5:52

Well, that's where their safety comes into concern, because if you stand up to the bully who is, let's say, we've got a little one and a big one and the big one is the bullier and then he's attacking the little one. We're looking at injury and you know assaults and you know. So, instead of standing up for yourself, stand up for yourself and tell an adult or someone you trust yeah, and then we confront the bully as a team, not as an individual, a single person.

Speaker 3 6:15

Yeah, because if we, if we allow them to stand, if we tell them to stand up to your bully, you're going to think, oh, it's okay.

Speaker 2 6:28

And you're going to keep passing that, on, passing that, on, passing that on, instead of trying to resolve that whole bullying issue in the first place. I think the reason we tell kids stand up to the bully is, in a way it kind of works. It stops the bullying. But the reason it works is because we've taught them might makes right and then they like that feeling of safety and control and that's why kids who are bullied often end up becoming bullies themselves. So the short term solves it, but in the long term I think it makes it a lot worse for everybody.

Speaker 4 6:48

I think it turns into a vicious cycle, because we go from one bully to a new bully, to a new bully, and then the bully just keeps going and never stops.

Speaker 5 6:58

Yeah, there's never like.

Speaker 2 6:58

Danny said there's never a resolution, so how would you advise parents or caregivers and teachers to respond if a child reports that they are being bullied?

Speaker 3 7:04

I think the first and most important thing is to listen to them. Don't just shove it off or tell them hey, I ain't got time right now, Go deal with it yourself. I think if we listen to them, take what they say to heart and we go in and help address that issue, it would stop it a lot easier, instead of just pushing them off to the side.

Speaker 5 7:20

I think it's important when you hear, when you do listen, and you hear that report of what happened to your child, oh, it's easy for me to get fired right back up, right, I mean, you know, automatically I'm angry at that other child in this situation and how dare this happen? And so it's really important in that moment for me to have a calm brain, right, and not to act immediately. Maybe I need to listen, I need to take some time to think about it before I rush into judgment of that other child or the adult who was supposed to be supervising, right? I just want to make sure that I can handle it well, and I can't do that if I'm upset and angry and agitated.

Speaker 4 7:58

And, I think, coming up with a game plan with the kid. You know, okay, you have reported all of this to me. Now, I think, coming up with a game plan with the kid. You know, okay, you have reported all of this to me. Now let's come up with a game plan of who we're going to talk to and what our expectations are to have this stop.

Speaker 4 8:10

So I think, like you said, the mama bear comes out on us. Yeah, you mess with my kids and mama bear's coming out, but, like you said, we have to keep a calm brain and we have to come up with a game plan to keep them safe and feeling that they have their power still with us beside them.

Speaker 2 8:25

So what can parents and teachers do to create an environment that reduces the potential for bullying to occur?

Speaker 4 8:30

Watching. They have to have their eyes and ears open. I mean, I understand in school they've got 20 kids. How many ever kids they've got in their classroom 30. Yeah, but they have to be able to be vigilant and you know paying attention, listening to their kids. When they're being told something, they're just not up there lying to you. There's obviously a problem. They need to stop and listen, and in the home the same way. If you see it, stop it. It's got to stop immediately and don't tolerate it.

Speaker 4 8:55

I think the sooner we stop it, the faster it will go away. That's good.

Speaker 3 8:58

And I think, by talking to the kids inside your home all the time, of how important it is to be in a family, being together, helping one another, praying with each other.

Speaker 3 9:09

I think that's an important thing that sometimes we're missing in the society today is, and so when we all come together just for a simple dinner, you all sit down at the table together, you pray together you discuss some of the issues that's going on and if it starts to get out of hand, then you calm it down, get it back down to normal and you discuss it and get it over and done with then, instead of letting it carry on further and further.

Speaker 5 9:32

I think you have some ground rules in any situation where you have kids, whether it's in your home or your Boy Scout group or an after-school program that you start off by setting some ground rules and expectations and that you include the kids in that conversation so that they have some buy-in right, and that as a group we would talk about what's acceptable behavior and what's not. If somebody in this group engages in unacceptable behavior, what's our response to that right? And we may need to revisit that on a regular basis. I think in your home I think Josh said it earlier you don't realize how much influence you have over your children. And so how do they see you treat people? Do they see that you are rude to the checker at Walmart? You know, do you bully the plumber when he shows up two hours late? You know, like, how do you treat people? And then you have those conversations and you visit that and you revisit that over and over.

Speaker 4 10:29

So, like when we opened Earl Home, when we had all of our boys and they were all in their rooms, you know, we had our very first muster of our expectations of our home and we put it out there in the very beginning If there's bullying, there's consequences. It will not be tolerated in this home.

Speaker 5 10:47

We are one big happy family for the most part.

Speaker 4 10:47

But we will not tolerate any sort of name calling, bullying, shoving the whole nine yards.

Speaker 1 10:53

We will have a consequence for that behavior.

Speaker 4 10:55

Not that it's been perfect, but it has gone pretty well. The kids, they know the expectation of the home, so if they're doing it, they're doing it outside of the home for the most part. We do have some incidences that have to be redirected. But you know they are trying to follow the expectation of what has been handed to them.

Speaker 2 11:12

One thing that I think is kind of important too and I think you all have talked about it a little bit is the power of a peer culture, healthy peer culture, encouraging kids, if they see something that looks wrong, to say that's wrong. We don't do that. Most bullies only act up when they feel that it's safe to do so in the environment, and if the peer culture isn't safe, we're not saying that this is an okay thing to do then they probably won't be able to do it as much. What?

Speaker 4 11:38

role does communication between home and school play in preventing and addressing bullying? Well, it has to go in both areas. If you're being bullied at school or you're bullying at school, you're going to bring that home. So it has to stop in both areas. So if you see it at home, it needs to go to the school, and if the school sees it, they need to report it to the home. So everybody as a team can collectively be. This is not tolerated.

Speaker 5 12:02

We're not going to tolerate bullying anywhere. I think it is a sad reality that there's a lot of behavior that goes on in a school, that when the school reaches out, there aren't parents who respond Right. That's one of the things about our nice closed community here is that we're on the same page with the school. We're having constant ongoing communication back and forth between the school and the house parents. But I think what's important is that, whether you are the school or the parent, you have an open mind if you're contacted right, rather than that defensive response. My child would never do that.

Speaker 5 12:43

This is an adult who's been trained as an educator and who is paid on a daily basis to not only teach my child but to supervise my child. I should probably listen to their insight in what they have to say. Right, and the same is true for the parent. Here's somebody who knows the child better than anybody else, who spends a lot of time with them, who's intimately aware of family dynamics. Maybe I should take what they have to say into consideration. Right To realize that we're on the same team, working towards the same goal, which is that child success, rather than for us to be in conflict with each other.

Speaker 2 13:16

So what can adults do to address clicks when it comes to bullying?

Speaker 3 13:20

I think the big thing is don't allow them. Don't just flat out don't allow them. I know it's, it's hard because there's so many clicks, yeah yeah, and you can't force some kids to like other kids, no matter what. But one of the things that if you see it, you stop it, or you try to stop it, or at least talk to them and explain to them why it's not a good idea to be in the cliques and doing that. I think it would help out a lot.

Speaker 4 13:44

Yeah, Well, I think, with cliques I mean all cliques aren't bad, you know they're not all bullying people, but the ones that do bully, they need to be identified and they should be addressed with the parents, the school, you know, the whole whoever's involved in that child's life. So everybody knows this is what's going on and it will not be tolerated. So if you want to continue being a clique, this behavior needs to stop or there's consequences behind it.

Speaker 5 14:09

I think, if you, if you look at a clique, it exists because children need belonging. Yes, right, so I'm just simply forming friendships and relationships with people who I feel like I can identify with. We have something in common, right, and I think it's one thing to say we're not going to tolerate this, but I think you have to go beyond that and find out what the root of it is. Right, we've kind of alluded to the fact that it's a desire for power or control, or repeating behavior that they've been taught by somebody else, but we have to deal with those kids individually and lead them to some insight about why they choose to bully others and help them make better choices.

Speaker 4 14:47

Because, like when we were growing up, our cliques were the jocks and then we had the nerds and then, you had the potheads, you know. I mean, you had those cliques.

Speaker 1 14:55

Yeah.

Speaker 4 14:55

But when I was growing up there wasn't a whole lot of bullying. There was a little bit, but I mean it was like squash real quick, but these days you've got all kinds of cliques, yeah. You know and you don't know which group is bullying which group and these are bullying this group. And now you've got 40 kids involved.

Speaker 5 15:14

So how do you handle that? You know it's got to be a team effort. Is clicks even the right word, josh? Or are we all dating ourselves?

Speaker 2 15:17

by using that terminology. Sometimes I see it as unintentional bullying. When it comes to clicks, especially kids in school situations, you know you have groups that are formed because you want that sense of belonging, but you have the people who are in and then you realize there's other people who might want to be part of the group, but you freeze them out and it's. I don't know if it's always intentional. I think it's good for adults to maybe draw some awareness to that.

Speaker 2 15:42

How would you feel if you were the one being iced out of the group? Excluded from the group and just kind of calling that out. Expanding that awareness might be helpful too. So why should you take a child seriously when they do report bullying to you?

Speaker 3 15:54

Well, if you don't, it could lead in just to things that we, as parents, don't ever want to have to deal with First, of all if we don't take them serious, we don't know how bad off it really is for that child and we can't help them.

Speaker 3 16:04

And if we don't help them, then today's society and with everything that's on the cyber and everything else that they can get on social media and all that stuff, there's kids that do un-off things and if we don't address it, I think that we're not helping them period. And I think we got to start by helping them find out what it is, address that issue, get them some help, find out why and try to stop.

Speaker 5 16:25

We've been talking about listening to children and making sure that they feel safe, and you know, feeling safe is the bedrock, that's the foundation that we all function on, and if kids don't feel safe, their brains cannot attend to anything else, so they can't learn in school, they can't do their homework, they can't make good choices if their brain feels unsafe. And so, mr and Ms Culley, you both referenced that earlier that that's the first thing we do with kids is to make sure they feel safe, and then they can function in better ways. And so that's a core need of a child is to feel safe.

Speaker 2 17:01

Now, on the other hand, how should parents respond if they find out that their child is the one who is responsible for doing the bullying?

Speaker 4 17:07

Oh, that poor child, that one's hard too. And we had that with our oldest daughter because she was in her clique and we were called to the office that one's hard too, like okay, for how long you know? And of course she got a three-day suspension and then she got home and had three days of nothing.

Speaker 3 17:33

You know, she had no no, there was.

Speaker 4 17:36

Not only was she had her disciplinary at school, but she had her consequences at home she's, and then she learned real quick that bullying is not a cool thing to do. So I think with the team that came together between the school, the resource officer and us, and we all had agreed that this would be a good plan. Our oldest daughter learned real quick that that was not a good idea and we never had another incident with her at school.

Speaker 3 17:58

And I think another thing too is it's important that you identify why the bullying is happening, because if you can't identify why it's happening, you can't stop it. So you got to ask a lot of questions, you got to get them uncomfortable talking to you about it. But once you identify what it is and why it's happening, then you can address that a little bit more with your kid and then also with the rest of the team, like bringing everybody together and saying okay, this is why it's happening. Maybe we need to address this, this and this, and then we can stop this together.

Speaker 5 18:25

Remember too that those kids who want belonging sometimes get sucked into groupthink. So it's a group, you know. You mentioned it was three friends bullying another girl and so, as a group, kids are making decisions they probably wouldn't make on their own right, one-on-one. She may not have said those things to a girl, but in a group of friends where she felt like she had a little bit more power.

Speaker 5 18:47

My oldest daughter got involved in a similar thing where she and another girl were making fun of a young man and said some really hateful things to him, and I discussed you know the options and how. You know. I said when you hurt somebody's feelings, you have to heal that right, like you've taken something away and now you have to repay that in some way. The solution we came up with was she had to go over to his house and do his chores. That, while that part seemed like the consequence, what actually happened is that while she was in his room, she saw some pictures of his family and some other things that gave her a heart for that person, right? So she'd made some ugly comments, because it was really easy to say something to a person you don't know very well, and then, once she was in his room, she realized wow, here's a kid with a family who loves him very much. I think that insight was more powerful than just having to complete a chore.

Speaker 4 19:42

I think if they realize that they're all human and they all have feelings, that you have feelings. They have feelings Like I kind of tell our boys in the home if you don't like being bullied, why do you turn around and do? The exact same thing why you don't like it. You don't like it when you're being called a name, but you will turn right around and do the exact same thing. How is this solving any?

Speaker 5 20:03

problem. And what does it do for you? Right, just leading them to insight. If you, when you call that other, a child, a name, what does it do for you? Just, you have to lead them to insight about the purpose of their behavior and then also realize you know we said this early on that a lot of times kids bully because they are being bullied. So we really have to get to the core of that thought process. If our child happens to be the one, who's the bully?

Speaker 4 20:29

Yeah. We have to break that cycle.

Speaker 3 20:31

Yeah, and we always ask them, like, if we hear the name calling and stuff like that, we always make a point to ask what did you get out of that?

Speaker 1 20:38

What did that do for you?

Speaker 3 20:40

And when they can't answer, we explain to them. That's exactly what we're talking about. It didn't get you nothing.

Speaker 1 20:44

Yeah.

Speaker 3 20:45

Didn't get you no further than where you are it conversation with Mr Kelly.

Speaker 4 20:54

That's all you got out of that. It's funny because they'll be like, oh, we're going back to the principal's office.

Speaker 2 20:58

I think, letting them know too, that their supervision level is probably going to be increased. We see that you've been doing some stuff behind the scenes bullying that. We're aware of it now and we're probably going to have our eyes a little bit closer on you. And that's just a natural consequence of your behavior. And they don't like that. You know, they kind of like their little space that they get for 15 minutes and when we up that to every five they're like why are you back?

Speaker 2 21:21

Well be nice to your roomie, or be nice to your roommate, your housemates. Yeah.

Speaker 4 21:25

Okay, ma'am, I get it, I get it.

Speaker 2 21:28

All right, thank All right. Thank you so much for joining us today. If you'd like to contact us and ask us a question, our email address is podcast at calfarleyorg. I'll make sure and leave a link in the description and as placing your child. Or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission please visit calfarleyorg.

Speaker 1 22:01

You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.