Respect: The Foundation of Parent-Child Relationships

Developing respectful relationships with our children requires understanding different perspectives on respect and modeling the behavior we want to see. We explore how parents can navigate the challenges of teaching and demonstrating respect without being overly permissive or authoritarian.

• Many teens define respect conditionally—"I'll give it when I get it"—while adults value others' feelings regardless of differences
• Social media influences how kids define respect, often tying it to status, followers, and influence rather than character
• Modeling respect is more effective than demanding it—children learn by watching how we treat others in everyday situations
• When emotions run high, remember: "Your mood doesn't get to dictate your manners"
• Give children appropriate power and choices to prevent disrespectful exchanges
• Sometimes calling a timeout is the best approach, allowing everyone to cool down
• Be curious about the intention behind disrespectful behavior before addressing it
• Role-play respectful conversations to help children prepare for making amends
• Avoid counter-aggressive responses which create fear, distrust, or power struggles
• Balance boundaries with respect for feelings to help children internalize respect

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Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now. Here is your host. Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer Now. Here is your host. Cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, joshua Sprott.

Speaker 3 0:30

Hello and welcome. Today we're going to start a new series Developing Respectful Relationships with Our Kids. To do that, I'm joined by Chloe Hewitt, Youth Programs Administrator.

Speaker 2 0:38

Cole Smith. I work in the Transitional Living Program.

Speaker 5 0:40

And Shanna Morgan Campus Life Supervisor.

Speaker 3 0:43

All right, let's start out with our question of the day, since we're talking about respect. When you were a kid, who was an adult in your life who you greatly respected, and what about them drew your respect?

Speaker 4 0:51

I mean that one is easy for me. I will pick my dad all day, and what drew me to respect him is he had this ability to really be kind to everyone. Both my parents have that ability.

Speaker 2 1:01

But he also, from an early age, made me believe that he loved me unconditionally and I could do no wrong, and so he genuinely made me feel like on my worst day or my best day, he was always going to be my biggest advocate, and so I think for me it would probably be the youth minister I had in middle school and high school, and I think a lot of what kind of drew my respect was that he was just always interested in what was going on, would ask us questions and our opinions, and so I think that feeling valued and like what I was saying and doing mattered made me then respect his opinion more also.

Speaker 5 1:32

And mine. I'm similar. Mine was. Her name is Teresa Gerard, and she drove the church bus that took all of the kids from the surrounding towns to church, and we weren't related to her at all, but she is who me and my daughter now consider family, so she is known as Aunt Teresa. She was one you never wanted to like let down, because she would do absolutely everything for everyone, never stopped, never asked for anything, and so just the one that you didn't want to let down.

Speaker 3 2:00

Mine was my mom. My dad passed away when I was really young and I don't actually know how my mom did it, but she worked so hard and did so much. But she never like missed anything of my brother and I's activities and she was always there for us and just the self-sacrificing that she always did, and just always positive about everything too.

Speaker 4 2:19

We're talking about respect today, how that you regard my feelings, what's important to me, even if it's not important to you. So my feelings and my values that you respect or that you don't, that you regard when you look at life.

Speaker 2 2:32

Yeah, I think it's kind of showing or placing value on something even if it's different from yourself. So other people, their thoughts and feelings that are different from yours, but still valuing them.

Speaker 3 2:43

I think of it like the golden rule do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. That's kind of always been my go-to definition. So how is the kids' definition of respect different than possibly our definition of respect?

Speaker 4 2:55

You know, Josh, I feel like we talk about this all the time, especially with our staff on campus, because it's difficult. They view respect only as I'm not going to give it to you until you give it to me. So it's not about just giving you respect or caring about your feelings, it's literally until you show them you care. That's when they will finally respect you. I'm curious what y'all say.

Speaker 5 3:13

I mean, I think this conversation comes up and I think a lot of time now the kids define it off of what they see on social media too. So respect is how much money someone makes, how influential someone is, how many followers someone has, and so I think that's a big part of our kids' lives right now, and so a lot of their definition of respect comes out of you know worldly things rather than are they a good person, Are they like, do they treat people kindly, and so kind of defining that.

Speaker 2 3:43

Yeah, I think respect for a lot of our teens does revolve around that social status. Are you making them look bad? That's being disrespectful. Are you not giving them enough credit? That's being disrespectful. And so anything that could make them, I guess, lose face or seem worse to their peer group could be disrespect. And then a lot of what you say too, chloe, the idea of it's not always a different definition, but it's when you get it, the idea that you only get respect if you've given me respect, and I think, while that's true for a lot of us, it's very true for young people.

Speaker 3 4:18

Yeah, I think they do. The alternate golden rule it's do unto others as they do unto you, right that I'll be cool with you if you're cool with me, but if you're disrespectful to me?

Speaker 4 4:33

then I can do whatever I want to you, I think, kind of happens. So what conflict is there between the two definitions, ours and theirs? I think it's difficult for us sometimes to want to give respect when we feel like we aren't getting it back too. And that's vice versa, right. I feel like they feel that way, but then we have a hard time because we're trying to do the right thing and model the right thing, and then we're stuck in this cycle of trying to give respect and getting it, and then, because we're human right, so sometimes if they continue to disrespect us, it's only natural that we also try to match that, and so being calm in that situation can cause some difficulties.

Speaker 3 4:59

So why is it crucial for parents to model respect instead of just demanding it?

Speaker 5 5:02

I think this is one where I find myself saying it to my staff just as much as kids sometimes is. I feel like it's the way that I like to be supervised, and how I try to supervise and even model for, you know, our residents is I don like some of that is when we go in and we do side by side stuff with them and we help teach them how to do it. I think that also models the respect of hey, you're human and you had a bad day and so I'm going to go in beside you and we're going to get this done together because it's the expectation and it needs to be done. But I'm human and you're human and sometimes we need help in that.

Speaker 4 5:43

And I think about this all the time in parenting even my littles. They watch me how I interact with the supermarket people or how I interact with the server, and I've told that story before. But there's this story of my son when he was kind to a waiter and they took a long time to get him a drink and he waited impatiently and I was real proud of him because I waited tables all through college and it was an important moment for me to see him be kind. But truly, the way that we treat others with respect is how they're going to see the world and how they are going to treat people. And so you know that's even driving people, because I know that we all have road rage.

Different Definitions of Respect

Speaker 4 6:16

but I think that's important to remember that they are listening to us, even when we drive or how we interact with different staff, because ultimately, you know it's. I'm in this age with my daughter right now, trying to get her to understand that her tone is important too, because she wants to say it but then it's still a bad tone, and so talking to her about being respectful in her tone as well, Well, and we just talked about having different definitions of respect.

Speaker 2 6:38

So if you tell someone to be respectful, they're going to use their definition as the lens for that. But if you model what respect looks like, then you're showing them a practice or a behavior or a posture that you want them to then emulate. And so respect, like so many other things, is a skill. You can't just say do the skill. You have to show them how to do the skill, what that skill would look like in different situations, and sometimes you've got to model it and then follow it up with some intentional debriefing of this is why I did that. This is what I was trying to communicate, and so I think there's a lot of that. Any social skill, any value, requires a lot more teaching and modeling than we think it does.

Speaker 3 7:13

So how can parents encourage respectful communication at home, especially when emotions are running high?

Speaker 5 7:18

I practiced this one yesterday. I feel like we and just personally, you know, even just speaking with my own child at home, we are, we are in a time of high emotion right now, and so one thing that I say to her I mean I've said it to kids several times is our, your mood doesn't get to dictate your manners, right? Like so I tell Kinsley my daughter you are allowed to have a bad day, right, you are allowed to be upset, you're allowed to be sad, you're allowed to be mad, but we don't get to treat people poorly because we're not having a good day ourselves, right? So like, our mood doesn't get to dictate our manners towards others. And so that's when we try to practice a lot.

Speaker 4 7:55

I think it looks like that, like having conversations about it. I think it also looks like giving them some power and choice in situations, so which can be difficulty, right, like so I'm saying you know, hey, I need you to get dressed in the morning, here's your options. Or giving them options and power in their decision making so that y'all can have respectful communication. And sometimes that's difficulty because you know you want to be the parent and they're the child. But if you give them some power, sometimes that helps in the communication. I mean, especially when tensions are high, like I try to pick my battles. As we all say, like you know, it's important in marriage and parenting and I think that it's real important here that you figure out what's important so that you can have good communication at home.

Speaker 2 8:31

Well and sometimes that choice might be is now a time we can talk about this and both be kind to each other and letting them take a second think about their feelings. Can I have this conversation right now, respectfully? Now I've got some pretty young kids and so sometimes their version of whether or not they are being respectful or if they're fine to have the conversation, I disagree, based on how they're talking or communicating. And in the same way, if one of them is upset or mad, even when I'm trying my best to stay as calm and kind as possible, they walk away saying that I'm being mean, and so there is some level in which you may just have to call time out also and separate so that y'all can everyone cool down and then come back to have the respectful communication.

Speaker 3 9:13

So how can parents handle situations where their child is being disrespectful to others, such as teachers, coaches or other family members?

Speaker 4 9:19

You know, I think this is really important to be curious in this situation and I'm going to say that because you might not know if there's a real reason behind it. But I'm not saying that it's justified, I think, being curious about what it looks like on a daily basis. I mean, maybe it could be sleep related, or it could be that that teacher has made a comment that has really hurt their feelings, or coach, and so talking through that with them. But I also think there's such power in practicing and so role playing, the conversation about when they are ready to make it right with the teacher or the coach or the family member, and y'all practice that before they go into that conversation. You know that's something I use with my staff.

Speaker 4 9:52

I think it's important that we all need, even if it's just a drain off, right, so you're allowing your child to drain off the frustration and the emotion, so that when they go into the actual conversation they're less heated, because there are going to be things that are escalated, and so if they can tell you all their frustrations and that can be hard, because you're like, hey, I don't want you to say it that way, but maybe they just need to say it to you that way and practice and then get out a good conversation. I feel like kids always surprise us that once we try to get them to a repair conversation, they're usually better at it than we think.

Speaker 5 10:19

And I think with that, like I've had kids before where they needed to be able to say it right. Like we hold things in for so long and then we blow up and so, for instance, like I had a kid in one of my homes and I just said, hey, get it out. Like this is going to be our safe space right now. Like you have been holding this in and it's going to come out in an inappropriate way at an inappropriate time and it's going to get you in a lot of trouble, but like you need to get it out. And so I need you to take this time right now and get it out. And we're not going to, I'm not going to redirect it in the moment, we're just going to allow you the space to be able to say what you need to say.

Speaker 5 10:53

Honestly, wasn't near as bad as I expected it to be. But even after he said, okay, like yes, that feels better, like I can go back in now and be responsible and respectful, and but again, going back to earlier, we're human, right. Like we're not always going to be respectful, and so I think, having those conversations too, of yes, so, while it is not okay that we were disrespectful or whatever. We all have those moments. I, as an adult, have those moments and we just have to have grace and hope that other people will have grace for us in those times, because there are just going to be times that we're going to be mean or hateful or disrespectful and we own it and we hope others allow us to move on from it.

Speaker 4 11:31

Well and I think that's a good thought right there, shanna, and you're good at this it's pointing out that even in our failures, that's where we learn our most successful moments. Right, so say they do have a really bad moment. But then that's also a conversation starter for y'all after to say, hey, if you could replay it, how would it look? Or where can you pinpoint where you could have done it differently. Like critical, get them to critically think through the situation if it did go poorly.

Speaker 3 11:54

What should parents do when they feel like their child isn't respecting them?

Modeling Respect Instead of Demanding It

Speaker 4 11:58

I think this is so powerful and I'm going to say it's so simple, but, like, take a breath, because I think it's our natural inclination to just react and I think and I and I'm the worst at it too but I think when I take a moment, take a breath and then come back to it. Like Cole was talking about earlier, I've had better parenting moments when I would give myself a break, Because a lot of times when you're feeling disrespected, it goes to your core and something inside of you, and so you do need a minute.

Speaker 5 12:22

I try to be very transparent in hey, you that hurt my feelings, like you said something or you did that and it hurt my feelings, like whether that's with my personal child, whether that's with residents, like being able to say, you know, I had a resident recently who I had to super advocate for.

Speaker 5 12:40

He was kind of in a tough spot and I felt like, week after week after week, I kept trying to like say the positive things about him and what he was doing. Well, because it was so easy for all of us to focus on the negatives. And then very quickly, he turned around and he said something that hurt my feelings and I had to say, hey, like that was hard, like I would like to have this follow-up conversation with you because I feel like we have a good enough relationship for that. But I need you to know, like, hey, that hurt my feelings and how do we rebuild that, how do we repair that? Because then that's how he's going to know, you know, in later relationships, friendships, how to advocate for himself and then also how to apologize and own up to things.

Speaker 2 13:17

I also want to add I think there's two places to be curious about in this situation. The first one two places to be curious about in this situation. The first one why am I feeling disrespected? What part of my values or cores is this affecting? Am I feeling disrespected because I'm tired and out of energy and just wanted to say it once and be done? Or, you know, kind of in Shanna's example, have they done something that has hurt my feelings, regardless of where I'm at emotionally?

Speaker 2 13:41

So kind of examining yourself, what about this is coming off as disrespectful to me and then being curious with them. What is the intention of this behavior? Are you doing this because you're trying to make me upset, trying to make me mad, trying to get some form of attention? Or did you think you could say that and it wouldn't bother me? You know sarcasm is real, big, real popular in my family. It's certainly a common way me and my wife communicate and joke with one another, and then every once in a while you know, sometimes I don't mind at all when my kids are sarcastic or joking or silly and then the next time it's like no, this was a, this was a stressful time where I needed you to do it right now and and I'm upset at, you know, a five-year-old for not picking up on my social cues, and so I think sometimes, sometimes there's no disrespect intended and, depending on my state, there wouldn't have been disrespect perceived but so finding out and being curious what their intention was with that action, I think is also really important.

Speaker 3 14:33

So why is it important not to get counter aggressive with your child when they're being disrespectful?

Speaker 4 14:37

You know, I think the kind of the golden rule right, like if you don't, if you are getting counter aggressive, you're probably going to say some things you don't mean, and then you'll both kind of be in regret, more so you as the parent. I feel like we all sit back and we're like, yeah, I could have done that differently, you shouldn't have said these things, and you know, I think so. I think that's why it's because you got to model the right behavior and you got to model do of all. We've all been there where I sit back and say, hey, that wasn't great.

Speaker 2 15:03

I think with my youngest child, if I get counter aggressive, the situation will come under control really quick, she'll become sad and stop whatever behavior. But now there's kind of a little wedge between us for a little while about she's got some fear, she's got some distrust. So now now we've got that distance and I don't want that. And then with my oldest child, if I go counteraggressive she can be more counteraggressive than I could ever hope to be and we can dig in our stubbornness. And then by the end we're at a list of consequences that no one wants, including me, because I don't want to have to enforce all of them, and so for any of my kids it doesn't get the result I want. And if we're going for a beneficial reaction from our kids, counteraggressive doesn't work for any of mine.

Speaker 5 15:43

That's one I've had to like look back at myself on, because my child is me through and through, the way she responds to things, the way she gets her feelings heard about certain things.

Speaker 5 15:53

If she feels like I have left her out of something.

Speaker 5 15:56

I mean it took me a little while to realize that, like when I was getting counteraggressive or maybe not even that one exactly, but like like when I was getting counter aggressive or maybe not even that one exactly, but like the way I was responding to her was, I mean, similar to Cole's right, like she would just shut down or she would get.

Speaker 5 16:09

It would look like she was super compliant and she just started doing what she was supposed to do. And then it took me back to hey, that's what you would have done in that situation. You would have shut down and be super quiet, but inside you would be like on on fire because that's not how you respond well to things. And so then having to have that follow-up conversation of her hey, mom didn't handle that well and thank you for going and doing what you're supposed to do, but we should have been able to have like a better conversation leading up to that and then honestly owning it again and then doing a redo. I mean, I've said that to her of hey, mom's going to have a redo and I'm going to try to ask you that question again in a different way. That's more respectful.

Speaker 4 16:47

Or you get the hey mom. You really hurt my feelings and I'm like I am so glad that you are using my verbiage, but that real stung in my heart right, that like you were telling me that you're talking to me.

Speaker 3 17:03

So how can parents teach respect without being overly permissive or overly authoritarian?

Speaker 4 17:08

You know, I think this one looks like having open conversations about it, because I think if you are authoritarian, you're in your, it's always your way. Then you're not allowing any open communication about stuff, and so then that means ultimately you are. It looks like you have respect, right. It looks like your kids do everything you want, but are they able to tell you how they feel and are they able to do? They feel like you take their feelings and values into consideration? Probably not because they're just complying, like what Shanna was talking about, and then overly permissive. It's like they're walking all over you, and so I think that it's a fine balance of still putting boundaries in place, right. I think there's a really big importance of you know, I tell my kids all the time like I know that you don't like that, but that's also my job. It's not my job to be your friend all the time. I hope when you're older we're friends, but right now it's my job to make sure that you're safe and you do what you need to do, and sometimes that's hard, sometimes.

Speaker 5 17:57

I have that one right. I mean it's, it's an, it's a question in the interview process of hey, if you don't agree with all of this stuff, will you still be able to uphold it? And so then that's a conversation with the kids of you have to make your bed every day. That sounds like a really silly example sometimes, but right, those are the rules that we have to follow. I don't make my bed every day. I wish I did. I genuinely feel like when I get home and my bed's made, I'm in a better mood. I think I go to sleep in a better mood, but holding them accountable for things and being able to say hey, I understand that you don't understand why, but some things just have, we just have to do it, or we just have to say no, or With the authoritarian one.

Speaker 3 18:38

I always think it's interesting how so many of my friends I've seen, or growing up, that their parents were so authoritarian with them and they seemed super respectful and compliant while they were in the home. The problem was as soon as they graduated and left the house and their parents weren't there to kind of force them to toe the line and be respectful and all that, they never actually learned how to truly be respectful and they went crazy wild and lost all respect for their families and had a pretty rough time. So I think finding that balance, like you guys are talking about, is how to truly be respectful, and they went crazy wild and lost all respect for their families and had a pretty rough time. So I think finding that balance, like you guys are talking about, it's so important. Otherwise, I think it can be pretty rough when they leave you.

Speaker 4 19:11

Well, I think it's like it's. It's been interesting watching my son now that he's in school, like every time that we see him at a school event I've said that before we're like watching his social interactions, we're watching how he treats others, but it's like how are you, when I'm not around, right? Because initially, at the end of the day, I want you to have it internally that you want to do the right thing or you want to treat people well without me there. But I think that's what we're trying to get to is them making the right decision or them treating people well without us around. And that's hard because, like what you're talking about, it's got to be internal. It can't be anywhere else.

Encouraging Respectful Communication at Home

Speaker 3 19:39

All right. Thank you so much for joining us today. I want you to know that I respect you so much for listening to this show, but my level of respect for you will skyrocket to the next level if you give us a five-star review and tell all your friends about how much you love brain-based parenting. Until next time you might have to loan out your frontal lobe today. Just make sure you remember and get them back.

Speaker 1 19:57

Thank you for listening to brain-based parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarleyorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.