You Are The Intervention: Building Relationships and Trust With Children

Relationships are our most powerful intervention when helping children who have experienced trauma or instability heal and grow. Every child is wired for connection, asking fundamental questions through their behavior about safety, value, and belonging that can only be answered through consistent, safe relationships.

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Transcript

Relationship Is The Intervention

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, joshua Sprock.

Speaker 2 0:30

Hello and welcome. Today we're going to be talking about relationships and why they're so powerful, and our best intervention with our kids. So when it comes to working with kids, especially those who've been hurt, let down or misunderstood, we often ask what's the best method? What program should I use? What strategy will finally get through to them? We search for systems and scripts and steps to solve the behavior, manage emotions, encourage responsibility. And while all these tools can be helpful, they're not the most powerful intervention that you have. The most important thing you can offer a child isn't a consequence chart, a reward system or even a perfectly structured routine. It's you a healthy, safe, consistent relationship with you.

The Huskers T-Shirt Story

Speaker 2 1:07

Relationship is the intervention we are created by God for belonging. Every child is wired for connection. They're born asking questions with their behavior Am I safe? Do you see me? Do I matter? Will you leave me like others did? And the only way to answer those questions is in a way that sticks is relationship. Day in and day out, through the highs and in the meltdowns, through the messes and the moments of joy, kids grow, change and heal through connection. The science backs this up too, but so do our stories. A child's sense of identity, safety and value is shaped by the people who consistently show up for them and for those who've experienced trauma or instability, healthy relationships aren't just helpful, they're essential. Without a sense of belonging, no technique or intervention will reach the heart. That's why I believe so strongly in building a positive, attachment-rich relationship, which is the foundation for everything else. Whether you're a parent, caregiver, teacher, mentor, you don't have to be perfect, you just have to be there. You have to be present. And the good news is, the path to secure attachment isn't complicated. I'd like to share with you how understanding this changed everything for me and for the boys who first taught me what real connection looks like.

Speaker 2 2:14

So back in 2005, my wife April and I started out at Boys Ranch as house parents straight out of college. We were young and dumb and had no experience working with kids. Our first home was filled with pre-adolescent boys between the ages of four and ten. I vividly remember the first time I was introduced to them. The primary house parents brought us into the big room and told the kids boys, I'd like to introduce you to Mr and Mrs Sprock. They're going to be your new alternate house parents. I remember the boys looking at me. They were very suspicious and I could tell that they were trying to size me up. So I decided to make the first move. I stuck out my hand to the nearest boy and said nice to meet you. My name's Mr Sprock. He shook my hand and replied very directly what's your favorite football team? Well, I grew up in Wyoming, but I was born in Nebraska and all my family lives there. So I proudly responded the Huskers, of course. Now I expected the young boy to be impressed by my profound declaration. Unfortunately, all I got back was a blank stare and after a few seconds he responded with what I'm not sure was more disgust or confusion. He said what's a Husker? My heart sunk. And then all of a sudden, one of the other boys piped up and emphatically declared well, I bet the Longhorns could whoop him, which all the other boys quickly and enthusiastically agreed with.

Speaker 2 3:22

So as I began to get to know the boys, we started to play football in the open field in front of the house. Whichever team I was on the boys let me be the Huskers and the other team they'd always get to be the Longhorns, and the rule was I had to go easy on them and let them win. While we'd play, they would talk all kinds of smack talk against me and my beloved Huskers, but for the most part I tried to take it in stride, but I had no idea that little kids should be so fierce and would be so good at talking hardcore smack. On Saturdays, the boys would always want to watch the Longhorns play on TV, which was fine with me, because I really enjoy watching college football. I would occasionally beg the kids to let me change the channel and see what was going on in the Nebraska game. For the first couple weeks, whenever I would switch the channel, the boys would be delighted to root against whoever the Huskers were playing against. However, after a while I started to notice that they weren't rooting as hard against the Huskers and a few of the boys were even rooting for Nebraska.

Speaker 2 4:14

After a few months, december finally rolled around and I let the boys know at a home meeting that my wife April and I would be going home to Nebraska for Christmas to visit our families, and I told them that I was super excited that I was going to be able to buy myself a new Husker t-shirt. That night at bedtime, after I was done praying with one of the boys, he asked me Mr Sprock, when you get your Husker t-shirt, do you think you could get me one too? My heart leaped with joy and I really had to work hard to compose myself so I could calmly reply. Let me check with Mrs Sprock about that. Knowing that I couldn't just buy one boy a t-shirt and not buy the rest of the boys something, I convinced April to buy eight Husker t-shirts and, for good measure, eight Herbie Husker action figures for the boys. When I got back home, I gave the boys their present and you would have thought that it was their birthday. Christmas and the 4th of July all rolled into one.

Four Steps to Building Attachment

Speaker 2 4:59

I was feeling pretty proud of myself and I told April you see what I did there. I converted these Texas boys into real Husker fans. She just smiled at me and replied you know, it's not so much that they like the Huskers, right, it's that they like you and they know how much you love the Huskers. And because they want to please you, they like the Huskers too. As much as I didn't want to admit it, I knew she was right, but that got me to thinking. If my relationship with these boys could influence something as seemingly trivial as which college football team to root for, what else could it change In a world where they learn not to trust adults? Their willingness to adopt my team was a way of saying I choose you. Over the years, I've come to realize that belonging is one of the most powerful factors in a child's development Through my experiences working with kids and the insights I've gained from several leading scholars in the field.

Speaker 2 5:43

I've learned that the sense of belonging we cultivate in relationships with kids is key to helping them rewire their brains and form healthier, more secure views of the world. Trauma can hardwire kids to expect rejection, chaos or fear, but consistent, safe relationships can literally reshape their brain's expectations. With time they begin to anticipate safety instead of danger, connection instead of abandonment. The good news is that forging this belonging doesn't require any special training or high level of skill. What I've learned from my experience with the boys and many others like it is something that Bruce Perry outlines beautifully in his work the four steps of building healthy attachment. So I'm gonna kind of run through those right now. First, you have to be present, both physically and emotionally. You know it sounds simple, but in today's fast-paced, over-scheduled, always scrolling world, being truly present is increasingly rare and therefore incredibly powerful. Being present means more than just physically occupying the same space. As a child, it means putting down your phone, shutting your laptop off and stepping into their world with genuine interest. It's making eye contact, sitting next to them while they play video games or draw a picture, or taking time to listen, even when the conversation is about Pokemon or the latest TikTok trend, that makes zero sense to you. I remember countless evenings sitting on the floor building Lego sets or helping tape together some cardboard fort. There were dishes in the sink, emails waiting for a response and more than a few times I was completely exhausted. But in those moments when I chose to set everything else aside and just be with them, those were the moments that stuck. It wasn't about entertaining them or doing something big or flashy. It was just about being there, being steady.

Speaker 2 7:14

When kids see us consistently showing up you know, not just once or twice, but over and over and over again they begin to believe that they're worth showing up for. And that builds the foundation of safety and predictability, especially for children who may never have had that kind of presence before. It teaches them that relationships aren't conditional or performance-based. You don't have to earn someone's time, you're worth it just by being you. It also teaches them how to show up for others. When you model presence, you're giving them a blueprint for being a good friend, good sibling and even a good future parent, and over time, that quiet, consistent presence becomes the bedrock of connection and trust. So, yes, showing up is half the battle, but when you show up with your whole heart, it becomes one of the most healing gifts you can offer a child. The second thing that you have to do is be attentive. Presence is the starting line, but attentiveness is what moves us closer to a child's heart. It's easy to assume that if we're physically with our kids, we're doing enough. The kids have a radar for whether or not we're truly with them. It means showing them through body language, our facial expressions and even our tone of voice that they have our full focus.

Speaker 2 8:19

I learned this the hard way Early on as a house. I'd sometimes be watching a kid talk while also mentally running through my to-do list or glancing every once in a while at my phone. I justified it that I was multitasking, but I was actually sending the message that they were competing for my attention and losing. I'll never forget the moment. One of the boys just stopped in mid-sentence, looked up at me and said never mind, sir, you're not really listening anyway. That hit me like a ton of bricks and he was right. From then on I tried my best to start putting my phone on the shelf. When I was with the kids I would kneel down to eye level, nod, ask follow-up questions, even if the conversation was about something I wasn't overly enthused about, like bugs or Minecraft. But over time I began to notice that the more I paid attention to the small stuff, the more they started trusting me with the big stuff. They knew I wasn't just checking a box. I was truly interested in them.

Speaker 2 9:06

Attentiveness tells your child that you matter Not just your behavior or your grades or your chores, but you, your thoughts matter, your feelings matter, your stories matter, and when a child begins to believe that they matter, it changes the way that they see themselves. They begin to walk with their heads held high, they take more risks in healthy ways. They start seeking out connection instead of avoiding it. The truth is, we don't need to have all the answers, we don't need to say the right, perfect things, but if we can learn to be fully present and fully attentive, we're already doing deep, transformational work, because being seen really being seen is one of the most powerful gifts any human can receive.

Being Responsive to Children's Needs

Speaker 2 9:40

Now the third step is to be attuned. After you've shown up and given attention, next is to tune in. Attunement is where you move from simply noticing our kids to truly understanding them. It's where we begin to see not just what our child is doing, but why. It's about listening with more than just our ears. It's about listening with our eyes, our heart and, most importantly, our curiosity. Curiosity is what transforms a moment of frustration into a moment of connection. Instead of thinking what's wrong with this kid, we started to ask what happened to this kid, or what might they be feeling right now that they can't put into words. The simple shift in mindset opens the door to compassion and understanding.

Speaker 2 10:14

I remember a boy in our house who used to suddenly get very withdrawn in the evenings. No big outbursts, no drama. He just would retreat, disappear. For a while I chalked it up to him oh he's just tired or maybe he just needed some alone time. But something just didn't seem right and instead of just brushing it off, I got curious. I started watching more closely and eventually I started to notice a pattern. These quiet evenings after came up after group activities where lots of attention was given to the other kids.

Speaker 2 10:40

Once, I saw that it clicked. He was feeling overlooked and unimportant. That discovery didn't come from being clever. It just came from being curious, curious enough to look past the surface and wonder about what was underneath. Once I recognized the pattern, I was able to invite him into a conversation. I didn't push, but I let him know that I did see him and I cared. That small amount of attunement led to a breakthrough in our relationship.

Speaker 2 11:04

Being attuned means asking yourself regularly what is my child trying to tell me right now through their behavior? It's about being a detective of emotions and needs. The more attuned we are, the more we start to recognize when our child is scared versus angry, or overwhelmed versus disobedient. Once we can tell the difference, we can respond in ways that can actually help them. Attainment does take time and it's never perfect, but the effort we put into being curious and connected tells our kids you're worth understanding, you don't have to scream to be seen. And when a child feels truly seen, the roots of trust and belonging grow even deeper. It's the ability to read the room, to read the child. You sense that something's not right, even if they haven't said a word. And when you get it right, when you name what they're feeling or needing. You see it in their face. You see the shift. You feel the connection. And the more you do it, the better you get. You start learning their tells, just like a good poker player. You can spot the difference between I'm fine and I'm falling apart and too scared to say it. That skill just doesn't help the child. It changes you too. It changes you because attunement requires humility. It means putting aside your assumptions, slowing down your agenda and tuning into someone else's inner world. And that's hard work, but it's important work.

Speaker 2 12:08

I remember a time when one of our boys was furious after school, slamming doors, picking fights, throwing things. Every instinct in me wanted to punish him, to clamp down, to nip it in the bud. Every instinct in me wanted to punish him to clamp down, to nip it in the bud. Instead, I sat close and I stayed quiet and I waited. After a few minutes, his breathing slowed. Then came the words. They were making fun of my reading again. And that was the real issue, not the slam doors. And because I waited, because I stayed attuned, he didn't have to walk through it alone.

Speaker 2 12:34

Attunement isn't about perfection. You're not going to always get it right. You are worth understanding and then, finally, after we've been present, attentive and attuned, we can be responsive. After we've showed up, paid attention and taken the time in, there's one more step that brings it all together we respond. Responsiveness is how we show kids that their needs matter and that our connection isn't passive it moves, it acts and it meets them where they are.

Speaker 2 13:02

Being responsive doesn't mean we fix everything In fact, it's not often about fixing anything at all but it's about being emotionally available and appropriately engaged. It's offering comfort when a child is scared, setting a boundary when they're spiraling or simply staying near when they're too overwhelmed to talk. Responsiveness says I see you, I hear you, I'm here with you. I've learned that kids don't always need a speech or a strategy in their hard moments. Sometimes they just need a present that's calm and predictable.

Speaker 2 13:33

One evening, when a young boy in our home was sobbing after a rough phone call with his mom, he didn't want to talk, he didn't want to snack, he didn't want to pep talk. So I just sat with him quietly, shoulder to shoulder, until the tears started to slow. Eventually he leaned his head on my arm and whispered thank you for not leaving me. And that's the heart of responsiveness. It's not a dramatic or showy, it's not always convenient, but it's the kind of steady love that tells a child I'm not going anywhere. And once a child experiences that, when they begin to trust that their emotions won't scare you off or push you away, that's when the deep healing can begin.

Speaker 2 13:59

Responsiveness, especially for kids who've experienced trauma or neglect, is a game changer. It rewrites the narrative that says you're too much or your needs are a problem. Instead, it offers them a new story you are worth showing up for, not just once, but every time. One of my favorite Dr Perry quotes is the more healthy relationships a child has, the more likely he is to recover from trauma and thrive. Relationships are the agents of change, and the most powerful therapy is human love, and that's how we help children rewrite their brains, rebuild their trust and redefine what it means to be in a relationship. We don't need perfection. We need presence, attention, attunement and the willingness to respond with compassion again and again.

Final Thoughts and Encouragement

Speaker 2 14:37

So no, you don't need a PhD or a perfect parenting track record. You don't need to read all the right books. You just need to be willing to see, listen and respond, because, in the end, what changes a child's life isn't the grand gestures, it's the quiet, consistent message that says you matter, you are loved and you belong. Imagine a world where more kids believe that. Better yet, let's help create one. As you navigate this week, keep building those connections. They will truly rewire their brains, and your relationships with the kids in your life will change far more than you will realize. If something as simple as choosing a football team can be influenced by your bond, imagine what other shifts are possible. So, as usual, remember. You may have to loan out your frontal lobes this week. Just make sure you remember and get them back.

Speaker 1 15:18

Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarleyorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.