The Foundation of Trust: How Secure Attachment Shapes Child Development

Secure attachment forms the foundation for a child's healthy development and shapes how they view themselves, others, and the world. We explore the four key attributes caregivers need to foster secure attachment: being present, attentive, attuned, and responsive.

• A secure attachment relationship is defined as one that's "free from danger or risk," creating a healthy and safe space for children
• Secure attachment forms when caregivers consistently respond to a child's needs, showing them they are important and valued
• Children with secure attachment develop a "secure base" that allows them to explore the world confidently, knowing they have a safe place to return to
• Crying at daycare drop-offs can actually indicate healthy attachment – the child wants to be with you and knows you'll return
• Being physically and emotionally present is the foundation for all other aspects of secure caregiving
• Attentiveness means paying close attention to what your child is doing and learning from their behaviors
• Attunement is the ability to accurately read and interpret your child's signals beyond surface behaviors
• Responsive caregiving teaches children that they matter and that seeking help is valuable
• Play accelerates attachment building – according to Dr. Karyn Purvis, it can cut healing time in half for children from difficult backgrounds
• Securely attached children develop powerful internal messages: "I am important," "Others are helpful," and "The world is safe"

Join us next week as we discuss avoidant attachment and continue our exploration of attachment styles.

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Transcript

Introduction to Brain-Based Parenting

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, joshua Sprott.

Speaker 2 0:34

Welcome back and thank you again for joining us as we continue our journey talking about brain-based parenting. Today, we're really going to dig down and start talking about secure attachment. Today, I am joined by Sam Cerna. Hello, catherine Clay.

Speaker 2 0:47

Hi and Mike Wilhelm Howdy. Josh, as we do every week, we're going to start by asking our question of the day. Today we're going to be talking about secure attachment, and as I was thinking about that, the word security guard popped into my head. So for today's question, would you be more likely to be a person who provides security for someone, or a type of person who would need a security detail provided for them?

Speaker 3 1:11

I guess I would lean on the other side. I would probably be the one providing security for others.

Speaker 2 1:16

Yes, you are always prepared.

Speaker 4 1:18

For me? I think my answer is probably mixed. I would probably provide security. Being a mom, I think that comes natural to me. And then I'm also kind of a scaredy cat. Like I know, josh, you're afraid of snakes. I have unreal reaction or unreal response to mice, and when I say that, I already feel like something going on in my body and so if there was a mouse anywhere I would be on top of like the tallest thing in the room. So I might need some security for that.

Speaker 5 1:49

Boy, this is a I'm. I'm stumped. I don't think that I'm. I don't think I need a security guard, because I don't think I would be the target for anything of any importance.

Speaker 4 1:59

I think you might.

Speaker 5 2:00

You think I might?

Speaker 4 2:01

I've heard some things.

Speaker 5 2:02

Oh my no, well, don't listen to everything.

Speaker 4 2:05

My probation officer tells you okay, Okay.

Speaker 5 2:08

But I don't think I'd be a good security guard either. I'm pretty harmless, and so I just don't know which I would be. So yeah, I'd probably have to hire Catherine to be my security guard.

Speaker 1 2:20

Yeah, I don't think I'd mess with Catherine.

Speaker 4 2:22

Yeah, my rate's pretty high, so I don't know if you could afford it.

Speaker 5 2:28

Sam's probably cheaper.

Understanding Secure Attachment

Speaker 2 2:36

So last week we did an introduction into attachment. This week and the next couple of weeks we're going to really dig into the four different styles of attachment, which are secure attachment, avoidant attachment, ambivalent attachment and disorganized attachment. But for today we're really going to jump into and really try and understand what is secure attachment. So what is the definition of secure attachment?

Speaker 3 2:54

Well, I like to define things right, so I looked up the definition for secure, and secure is free from danger or risk. We combine that with attachment, and it's hopefully a healthy and safe place to be.

Speaker 4 3:07

I think, too, that security comes from knowing that you're going to be cared for, taken care of, and that starts very early on. And so, for me, secure attachment would come from the primary caregiver showing an infant or a baby, newborn baby, that they are secure, that they are safe, loved, cared for. Their needs will be met and, after time and time again, after responding that way to the infant, the infant would feel safe.

Speaker 2 3:34

So how is it exactly formed? What are the things that caregivers do to help children form a sense of secure attachment?

Speaker 4 3:41

I think it starts with the caregiver, the caregiver being regulated and attuned and responsive. I don't imagine that, if you're not those things, that you can care for a child in a secure way. So to me it starts with the caregiver, and the caregiver can provide those things for a child. We talked about this in our last podcast, but it's more than just. I think it's more than just showing up and you know, providing food or providing a clean diaper. That's all very important, but I think there's other pieces that form the bond, and some even the chemicals that are released during this process have a lot to do with somatosensory stuff, whether that be when you pick the child up, in the way you smell, the way that you speak, the tone of your voice all of those things matter, and I think eye contact is super important as well, and all of these somatosensory things are replicated from the child to the mother and back and forth, and so there's that bonding experience.

Speaker 4 4:36

And then it's actually more than just this person brings me food. It is a sense that when this person comes, it's more than this person brings me food. It's. This is my person, this is, this is the person that I know is going to care for me. I know that smell, I know that movement, I know that that eye contact, I know that that is. And then there's that this is, this person is actually me, and I know later in development that goes away Right.

Speaker 2 5:09

But there's a sense of there's, there's a oneness that doesn't break when there's a secure attachment. So I think that really causes kids to have what they call a secure base, when you have that primary caregiver showing up and really seeing beyond just the behavior but seeing the child and their needs and letting them know they're important. So why is it important for a child to have a sense of a secure base?

Speaker 3 5:21

Well, it always gives them somewhere to come back to as they explore right. So one of the things that happens with young children is at first, like Catherine said, they're like me, they're with me all the time, they're near me all the time and when we take them out right, it's safer for them to explore. They'll go off and play with some friends for a minute and then come back, check in or maybe just give us a glance things like that, so those things are a healthy way.

Speaker 3 5:43

They always have a place to come back to that they know is safe. And then go to a because you know anything that's unfamiliar is potentially unsafe right To us. That's how we're built, so secure base is important.

Speaker 4 5:54

I love the word you used explore. I think that what you're saying is that with secure attachment, there's a sense that I can go into the world, I can learn. I that I can go into the world, I can learn, I can make relationships, I can try something new, no-transcript, without knowing that I have a place to return to or that I have my needs met somewhere. I think the child would be less likely to go do those things that they have to do for development, right, like if your child never leaves your side. Like Sam, you were saying, if you never had your kids go into the world and explore and learn, then you would have grown-up kids at your home all the time, and so I think that is an interesting word to use explore. I love that.

How Secure Attachment Forms

Speaker 2 6:41

So when I'm hearing you guys, I'll say this. It kind of brings to mind some experiences I've had, like dropping my kids off at daycare or at church, at the nursery, and it's kind of funny. You know, they'll cry and my initial thought is that it's kind of embarrassing. They shouldn't be crying and this is a sign that I'm a bad parent, but maybe it's kind of weird. But is that actually a good thing?

Speaker 4 7:02

Yeah, I think I've had similar experience with my children and I feel the same way. I always think, well, I guess I shouldn't leave my child at the daycare, I shouldn't leave my child. Look how distressed they are. But really I think kind of what you're speaking to, josh, is showing that the child's attached to you and the child enjoys you and the child wants to be with you, and that crying is usually, I think, what would happen when there's any type of stressor. Right, stress isn't bad, because what's going to happen is the child will go into the daycare, which is a loving environment. They will cry most of the time.

Speaker 4 7:36

I would imagine in a minute or two's time they're in programming and enjoying their time and then when you come back to pick them up, they run up to you and they're so glad you're back and the consistency of that I mean. I take my kids to daycare each day and it's the same. They kind of struggle to get there, they have a wonderful time and then I hear mama, mama, mama, as they run up to me when I pick them up and it's the same. They know that I'm coming back. And so if my children or yours, josh, like you were saying, had no problem with being separated from me. I think that would be something to be more curious about. Right.

Speaker 2 8:09

So, in a weird way, you're saying that neediness and dependence for children is actually kind of a good thing, right, which we don't really like to think, so I know I know, I think, yes, I agree.

Speaker 4 8:19

I think neediness is a hard word, dependence is a hard word, but I can't imagine any child not having needs or for dependence on a caregiver.

Speaker 3 8:28

I think it's a lot of it's in our, the caregiver's, ability to understand those things and respond to them Right. So it's all, and also it's all the caregiver's viewpoint, right. So sometimes neediness in some cultures or some people, that can be bad right. I've heard in the you know, don't just let them cry things like that which we now know. That's maybe not the best thing to do, but that's all things that we have to understand as caregivers.

Speaker 3 8:54

And so sometimes we're not in the space to be able to do things. But I was also thinking back to the daycare thing. You know, knowing what we know now, with hindsight and experiences as parents, right, you know, depending on my child's age, obviously a baby, a young infant's not going to know any different maybe, but you know when you're dropping off a toddler.

Speaker 1 9:13

For the first time, that could be a very dramatic experience for both parties involved.

Speaker 3 9:15

So what would I do different as a dad now was maybe go, maybe get them to get to know the teacher first.

Speaker 4 9:20

Yeah.

Speaker 3 9:21

Hey, this person's going to take care of you while I go to work and things. You know. There's just things that maybe some parents can do or some caregivers can do to help pad some of that and maybe make it a little bit safer for the child and maybe less traumatic for everybody.

Speaker 4 9:33

Right yeah.

Speaker 5 9:33

So crying's not a bad thing.

Speaker 4 9:35

No.

Speaker 5 9:35

That's good for Sam to know, because he cries a lot, I know I try to reassure.

Speaker 1 9:40

Sam.

Speaker 3 9:41

Thank you guys.

Speaker 4 9:53

You know, I think the thing about crying and I think Mike and I were talking about this a minute ago but if your child, baby toddler, sam, is crying, he clearly has some type of need right, and who responds to those needs would be a loved one, a mother, a wife, whatever it may be needs would be a loved one, a mother, a wife, whatever it may be. And to ignore that or to let them cry it out or whatever it is, you know, I think you have to consider what is the internal message being received when my cry isn't important to someone or my cry doesn't elicit care. And I think, if I'm just thinking about my two kids, I would never want them to think that their pain isn't a priority of mine or their need isn't a priority of mine, and so I know what we were talking about. Mike, that's kind of how you're feeling.

Speaker 5 10:25

Oh sure, and like we talked about in the last podcast, has huge implications for faith formation in children and those messages from being an attuned caregiver of that I'm present you matter, I respond to you.

Speaker 5 10:43

Well, those are base assumptions that necessary for a healthy relationship with God, and the data shows that secure attachments lead to secure God attachments and there's a strong connection.

The Importance of a Secure Base

Speaker 5 10:58

So and Sam, you mentioned as a father a moment ago talking about this whole thing with attachment, the stakes are even higher for the roles that fathers play with attachment with children when it comes to faith formation, and the data shows, on this too, that as father relationships go, so with males in particular, so faith formation goes. Paul Vitz is someone out in New York that's done a lot of research on this and he's found that category of declared atheists, of hard atheists in adulthood not agnostics or spiritual but not religious, but real hard atheist folk. There's a strong representation of one it's nine to one males and two there's probably 90% of those males have had failed relationships with fathers, and when I say failed might be a father that's absent for unfortunate reasons. Maybe that father simply died of cancer while the child was young. But that piece of that father's play with healthy attachment with children, especially with boys, is going to be a huge player in a healthy faith formation with those kids.

Speaker 2 12:08

So how do we get to a point where we can help kids feel a sense of secure attachment? I've heard Dr Perry say that there's four attributes of a caregiver to provide secure attachment, and those are to be present, to be attentive, to be attuned and be responsive. So what does it mean to be present?

Speaker 4 12:25

I was thinking, as you were asking, that Mike brought up our technology use and cell phone use and things like that, and I remember reading maybe this is when I first had my daughter but reading about how much time or how many times the child looks up at you and how many times your attention is somewhere else.

Speaker 4 12:43

And that's always stuck with me because I mean, I'm like everybody else, I use my phone a ton and there are times I've caught myself on my phone and I see one of my kids looking at me, looking for me to say to see them. Right, and my daughter, she's in a stage where every little bump and every little stubbed toe is like a very big deal. And I'm just learning, as she's going through this, that she's asking me to see her and she I mean not even an injury, just simply like a bump. You know what I mean. And so that presence is, if we don't give it naturally or on our own, they're going to ask us for it. And that's what I kind of see at times with my daughter if I'm a distracted caregiver or parent, and so that's kind of what it means to be present is nearly to just kind of see things before they happen, or to notice things that are going on and showing up and eye contact and all that stuff.

Speaker 3 13:32

Well being present is like simply just being around. Yeah, being around. I think that's the base of all four of the things we're about to talk about.

Speaker 4 13:38

Yeah. If you can't be present, you can't really do all the other three, right, but there's a difference between being physically present and being emotionally available. Present. You know what I mean.

Speaker 3 13:47

That's right. Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 4 13:48

Because it's just an interesting thing to think about.

Speaker 2 13:50

Yeah, I think you have to have both physical and emotional values.

Speaker 4 13:54

Sure right and want to be emotionally present, but you're not physically there, so it doesn't

Speaker 2 13:59

count, so you have to be both physically and emotionally present, because when you're physically and emotionally present, you can be attentive. So what does it mean to be attentive? Paying attention, yeah.

Speaker 3 14:11

I struggle with attentive and attuned at times, but to me being attentive is well. Oftentimes I find myself. I have grandchildren so I watch them play, because they're at an age where I'm not going to let them run around anywhere by themselves. So I'm with them, and so then, as I'm present now, I'm being attentive to what are they doing. Hey, get out of that or hey um what do?

Speaker 5 14:32

you need.

Speaker 3 14:33

Let's not talk that way. Let's let's play nice. You know things like that, so we're being attentive to what they're doing. That actually helps me learn a lot about them as well, right. Absolutely. You know, because I get to see how they play. I get to see, maybe, how they respond when they're upset about something, and it gives you tons of insight.

Speaker 4 14:49

I agree. I think attentive and attuned feel similar to me. Simply because, like what Sam was saying, if I'm attentive and I'm attuned then there's a decent chance that I am going to catch something before it happens. Or if I see, if I'm attentive and attuned and I see my youngest climbing on something wild, then I'm likely going to be able to interfere with that accident or whatever may happen before it happens. And if I wasn't those two things, I think I would miss a lot. You know, and that could be benign things, that could be missed, something that they're teaching me about themselves or something learning about them, or it could be an accident. You know, I have a two year old and he's wild, but those two feel hard and important.

Speaker 5 15:29

From what, sam and Catherine, what you both just shared, what's come into mind is how important play must be because it has all those ingredients baked right in. How important play is playing with your child. I would assume it just does so much of what you're saying. Yeah, and how I hate to continue to bring up electronics, but the world did change really fast around that and it's not all bad, but that really has reduced the amount of play. Don't you think of children playing and then adults playing with children.

Speaker 5 16:03

Yes, what a missing piece that must be to not be playing with your child.

Speaker 4 16:08

Well, and I am not an expert in this by any means, but, as you're speaking, I'm thinking about like what systems, what like sensory systems are engaged in? Play outside, in the sand, in the dirt, in the sun, movement, sensory stuff like smells and tastes and the wind and all these different things that will activate sensory systems, versus sitting still watching, using your thumbs, whatever it may be, in that kind of electronic play that you're talking about. And then I think too, just about in the school system, how much time is dedicated to sitting and learning and how little time is dedicated to play. I know it's a little bit off topic, but kind of making me think. What you're saying is just, and doing that side by side with your parent getting in the dirt I don't love it, but I do it side by side with your parent getting in the dirt I don't love it, but I do it and having kind of like a co-experience with sensory stuff and how that builds attachment and closeness. And you can't do that without being present, attentive and attuned.

Speaker 5 17:07

I'm the oldest one here at the table, so maybe I'm going to let you in on a little secret that you missed out on when you grew up. But when I was a kid, big commercials that we would often see on television were Band-Aid commercials.

Speaker 1 17:23

Yeah, right.

Speaker 5 17:26

Curad and Bactine.

Speaker 4 17:28

Lots of injuries. Yes, the.

Speaker 5 17:31

Band-Aid commercials were on all the time.

Speaker 1 17:33

Well, why is that?

Speaker 5 17:34

Because we were out skinning our knees and you don't see Band-Aid commercials were on all the time.

Speaker 4 17:36

Well, why is that?

Speaker 5 17:37

Because we were out skinning our knees and you don't see Band-Aid commercials anymore.

Speaker 4 17:39

Well, and that was like the first thing when so I have a brother and a sister older than me, but that was the first thing my dad would say when we were too loud or like getting on his nerves. He would say go outside and find something to do. And we're like what do you mean? So even I don't, however many years ago 20 years, I don't know, 30 years, I don't know however old I am Still then it was a priority to be outside and to be in the sun and be in the dirt and come home with your with grass stains on your knees and you know, whatever it may be, but we were doing that with siblings and my parents and that kind of stuff.

Speaker 2 18:12

So yeah, it's kind of interesting hearing what you guys are talking about. Something I've heard Dr Kieran Purvis say is that so we talk about being present, attentive, attuned and responsive. If we do that for our kids, it's going to change their template of the world.

Speaker 1 18:24

Right, but for a kid who maybe?

Speaker 4 18:30

we didn't raise to do those things.

Speaker 2 18:30

It's going to take a while to change their template. And so what she said is that for every year a kid is chronologically, you're going to need that many months of consistently being present, attentive, attuned and responsive to change that template. But she said the magic kind of fairy dust of all that is interact play.

Speaker 1 18:44

Wow.

Four Keys to Secure Attachment

Speaker 2 18:44

And that if you can do playful engagement, it will actually cut that time in half. Wow, so I think it's just when you guys were talking about that. I was thinking of what I heard her say and really how important that is to just really get down there and get dirty.

Speaker 4 18:57

When I you know, I think, as you're, as you're talking about that, I'm like the clinical piece is kind of coming online about activating low systems of the brain and the sensory input, the regulation, the safety that comes into play when you're side by side, rather than you know teaching, like you know the teaching style where I'm instructing and you're learning, or whatever it may be. I just think, like I wonder if what she's saying has to do with those multiple systems being activated at one time and the safety that's that comes online when you are side by side playing. I don't know. That's that's really fascinating.

Speaker 2 19:31

So back to kind of the four keys of attachment. We talked about being present, being physically, emotionally there so that we can pay attention to the kids.

Speaker 1 19:39

Right.

Speaker 2 19:39

And then, when we pay attention to them, we can actually see what's going on, what truly is going on. Because a lot of times you know, what they initially say isn't what they're always the root of it, Right? So why? What does it mean to be attuned then?

Speaker 3 19:51

so I find a tune interesting because what I, what I, the way I divide or separate these two things from uh, separate attack, I mean attentive from attuned is that if I'm attentive and I so, if I have a, if one of the kids is needing something, right, sometimes because of my attunement to the child I can tell there's something different in their voice or facial expression. Right, and so it's. It's the caregiver, caregiver's ability to read or hear what is going on.

Speaker 3 20:16

And like you just said, josh, maybe something that's on the surface, or telling you something, but it doesn't make sense. So I'll hear a tone and go hey, is everything okay. Or or does something hurt or cause, especially young kids. They can't actually tell you, they don't have a voice yet, and so that's kind of.

Speaker 4 20:31

That's a complex skill, you know. I mean, I think you no-transcript practice.

Speaker 3 21:06

It might be a difficult thing for a first time parent to know I mean we all maybe through our first time.

Speaker 1 21:11

Sure.

Speaker 3 21:12

Golly, I didn't even know and so, um, but yeah, as time goes on, and the more time you spend with your child, right, the more that's going to be easier. You're just going to know it's, it's instinct and we're kind of built to, um, know these things yeah for the most part yeah, that's helpful what you just said, because I was struggling with attention and attunement.

Speaker 5 21:29

But what you're saying is we can attend, but misread.

Speaker 4 21:33

Yes and uh, so to be able to read or decode or interpret would be much more, and how much harder would that be if you're caregiving for kids that you've not had Right Like? The reason I know my kids so well is because they were in me and they've lived with me and I've raised them Right. But you two have been house parents before and I would imagine that makes it even more complex those skills to be attuned when your relationships are different or new or whatever. So I don't know if y'all have any thoughts on that.

Speaker 3 22:03

I do. I mean, it's really like trial and error. You know, one of the things that we do real well now is that we try to learn all their histories the most you can actually know by what their actual, what their parent or previous caregiver gives us which is really nice because you can you can maybe guess about what some of the trauma they've received or or how I can respond better. Cause sometimes it's just the way I look or the way I talk, or that I'm a man at all Right Sometimes could could have a child be kind of.

Speaker 3 22:31

what do we talk about? The intimacy barrier Maybe you know it's all different for everybody, everybody. So I could trigger things and not even know, so a lot of it's trial and error and again spending time with the child yes like one of the one of the things that may be successful is I spent tons of time with these kids. I found out what they liked and I would try to you know, um, do the things with them that they liked, so that I could learn how they could play.

Speaker 3 22:51

I learned how they, how they um played with how they responded to me how they responded to my wife, how they acted when I took them into public or when I took them to meet new people. So it is like experimenting, especially when they're not kids you raised from infancy. It is a learned skill and I think, yes, the more you do it, the better you hopefully get at it.

The Power of Play in Building Attachment

Speaker 5 23:11

Yes, hopefully get at it. Yes, so yeah. I continually marvel at how well our house parents here at Cal Farley's are able to be attuned with children, that they don't share a baseline of experience from in utero or from the cradle, and how quickly they learn that, oh my gosh, there is something to attunement and all kids are different, and we have some very wise caregivers here that seem to be able to get to that quicker than most, don't you?

Speaker 4 23:43

think yes, absolutely yeah.

Speaker 2 23:44

So then the last one once you kind of know what's going on, you can actually do something about it, right, you can respond to the behavior. So why is that so important to finish for, and respond and meet their needs.

Speaker 4 23:57

It's validating, you know so, like if I'm struggling and someone says, hey, I'm here to help you with that, or I noticed this about you and I have some ideas how to remedy it, or whatever. You know, like you have a partner, you have somebody to take care of you, and then what you're struggling with or what you're going through or what you need is important. I think it's super validating when someone responds to your need.

Speaker 3 24:17

Well said, I mean I think that that's totally correct in that one of the things that I look at responsiveness also is the ability to teach.

Speaker 1 24:26

Yes.

Speaker 3 24:26

Right. So I'm teaching something when I respond. If I respond to an infant, like Catherine said before, I'm teaching them that, hey, somebody is going to come and attend to my need, right, catherine said before I'm teaching them that, hey, somebody's going to come and attend to my knee, even if I don't know what it is. I'm crying for a reason, that's the thing, and so. But even two-year-olds, Catherine, you have two-year-olds, you know.

Speaker 4 24:45

I'm teaching them something.

Speaker 3 24:45

So if they come tell you my knee hurts, and then well, what do you have to do? I have to investigate your knee. Can you please pick up this pant leg so I can see it yes there's nothing there, but it hurts so bad.

Speaker 3 24:56

There's nothing there, but you know, or I'll ask questions, what happened? Did you get bit by a bug? Right? So it's explorative, right, because sometimes it's the smallest things and I laugh at that. So bad, because that's how my grandsons are. They come to me with the smallest things and maybe they just need something.

Speaker 4 25:11

They do need something.

Speaker 3 25:11

they do okay, I'll check that out and I have put band-aids on so many knees for no reason whatsoever, because that's the important part is how do I respond? And so sometimes you know and I think we're going to talk about this in future podcasts, josh, and that I have to run all that stuff through my filter yeah right. So the cool thing is, now I'm an experienced parent and now I go.

Speaker 3 25:32

That's not that big of a right I'm not going to kid that I'm like okay let's try to let's attend to this, and because I know what I'm trying to get out here is right to teach them that come. Ask for help come ask for help, because the world is not a lonely place. There's others here that can help you.

Speaker 4 25:46

Yes.

Speaker 5 25:47

I love that and I was thinking of this. The word responsive as opposed to reactive, that distinction how important that is. And you know, in worst of circumstances we can be reactive in toxic ways. But even the more noble ways to be reactive would be to what would you say, catherine? There'd be a word of enmeshment, or just a helicopter parent, but what might look like a loving caregiver if there's not that separation where they see here's another human being responding to my needs, there's not the validation built into that, then it's just all just clumped up together and I've noticed that some of our children from hard places. It takes a while for them to start to see adults as human beings, not just objects that you hope can be moved in a way that works to your favor.

Speaker 5 26:36

But what an important thing that is for a child to learn to receive love and in turn, to give love and to see that I'm a being that matters and I'm getting that validation, but likewise, this is a being that's responding to me, so there's something very beautiful in that.

Speaker 2 26:54

So if I do have this caregiver who is present, attentive, attuned and responsive to me as a child, it's going to shape how I see the world right. So if this is my template, if I've had a primary caregiver, just pour all that stuff into me. It's going to shape my I am statement. So what would you guys say? A kid's I am statement is if this is their caregiving, I am Important, loved, if this is their caregiving.

Speaker 3 27:14

I am important, loved safe.

Speaker 2 27:15

What about others? Others are helpful, caring loving. So then the world would be safe, safe.

Speaker 4 27:22

Yes.

Responding vs. Reacting to Children's Needs

Speaker 2 27:22

And if the world's safe. Therefore, I must do what.

Speaker 4 27:25

Explore Sam's word.

Speaker 2 27:28

Must be important. Yeah, be worthy, I think that's just such a cool way to think about it. All these different things poured into them, shapes how they think about themselves, how they think about others, how they think about the world, and in doing all that it kind of makes it how they act.

Speaker 1 27:41

Yeah.

Speaker 2 27:41

So that's why I think this having that security is so, so important. All right, so thank you guys for spending some time with us today. I hope you're becoming securely attached to our little podcast. So, to show how secure you are, make sure to come back next week when we're going to discuss avoidant attachment.

Speaker 1 28:03

Until then, remember you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just make sure you get them back. Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch. Are interested in employment. Would like information about about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch. Are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarleyorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.