Brain Based Parenting
Brain Based Parenting, The Boys Ranch Podcast for families.
We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley’s Boys Ranch has to offer.
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podcasts@calfarley.org
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For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
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Brain Based Parenting
When Screens Replace Reality: Navigating Technology's Impact on Family Life
We explore the complex relationship between technology and family life, examining how excessive screen time affects children's emotional regulation, mental health, and relationships.
Contact:
podcasts@calfarley.org
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now. Here is your host. Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer Now. Here is your host. Cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, joshua Sprock.
Speaker 3:Welcome back. Today we're going to continue our talk on technology and looking at maybe some of the downsides of technology with our kids. To do that today, I'm joined by Emily Tennyson, clinical Intervention Specialist, suzanne.
Speaker 5:Rapp, vice President of Training and Intervention, chloe Hewitt, youth Programs.
Speaker 6:Administrator.
Speaker 2:Sam Cerna, Assistant Administrator of Residential Communities.
Speaker 3:Let's jump into our question of the day. So I hate to do this to y'all, but I want you to pull out your phones and tell me what your average screen time is.
Speaker 4:Right now I am at 4 hours and 47 minutes for my daily average.
Speaker 2:Be honest, Sam 9 hours and 58 minutes.
Speaker 6:I'm going to put seven hours.
Speaker 3:Mine's surprisingly low, but it says I'm 33% down from last week, so mine's four hours and 16 minutes. I actually did not bring my phone into this room with me, so I'm feeling pretty good about that and it keeps me from incriminating myself.
Speaker 2:I have to explain mine. I hear music at night, oh, so it's on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
Speaker 3:So why do you think it's so easy for phones and devices to become a problem at home and school?
Speaker 4:Because phones offer so much, from entertainment to connection. Whether you're texting classmates or people not at the school listening to music, there's a variety of things you can do with your phone.
Speaker 2:Phones are a business. They are designed to keep you engaged. Twitter and the apps they're all designed to keep you engaged. Really, I think that's kind of what it's about. That's why it's easy.
Speaker 6:Well, and I think sometimes you don't have to think so for the people who love to scroll, you're not really actually thinking right.
Speaker 5:You're kind of getting to numb out and just scroll through things. Yeah, and it's an escape, yeah. So rather than dealing with the challenge in front of you, which might be a teacher who's reprimanding you or a math problem you're struggling to do, it's an easy way to check out and focus on something that's more entertaining to your brain and gives your brain a hit of dopamine.
Speaker 4:Yep, and every app sends you a notification. Oh yeah, so it is so easy to become hijacked when you're notification after notification?
Speaker 2:Yes, you have to do notification hygiene. Yes, that's true. Your wrist starts buzzing, your phone starts buzzing, like everything notifies you. The thing at home, if you have one of those you know, starts telling you things and so, yeah, it's really designed to keep you engaged, so how can excessive?
Speaker 6:screen time affect a child's emotional or regulation and attention span. One of the things I think is that it makes us want instant gratification, right Like we want things quick and easy, and so that really does struggle with patience, right Like we no longer have that, or we find ourselves being less patient with people or just interactions, because we want it right now and really it struggles for us to be able to regulate, especially kids, like I think that they don't know how to regulate through other ways and so they're regulating through a phone. And then when you take that phone I know we've all experienced the stage five meltdown whether we were taking a phone or TV, and truly it's because you know we just took it away and so they're kind of like coming off that high, right Like Suzanne was talking about.
Speaker 5:Also, like Sam said, you know, any of those apps are a business and they want to keep you engaged, and so they. You know those companies are monitoring what you give your attention to and whatever your focus is, they will show you more of that. And so if you have watched some videos that you know that are politically based or they're, you know, talking about something that pulls your emotions into it, they will start to show you more of the same videos, and so pretty soon, you're completely angry or emotionally dysregulated because that algorithm has paid attention to what you're focusing on. So if you're not, if you're not wise and you're not intentionally choosing how you, what you watch and how you focus your attention, you will become more controlled by the negativity.
Speaker 3:So what role does social media play in anxiety, depression, body image issues among kids?
Speaker 5:Oh, such a large, large role.
Speaker 5:You know, I can remember way many years ago when I was in high school, you know, I would see the cover of a magazine and think, wow, what a beautiful woman or girl and I don't look like that, but it wasn't in my face 24-7. You know, it was a magazine I could see at the grocery store checkout. Maybe I chose to look through it, but it was just a tiny dose of that and that was still a struggle for my self-esteem. And now kids are just faced with everybody's social media images that are curated, that you know there's a filter on it. They're only showing you the one room of the house that's clean. You know, and I think even beyond kids. But for young mothers and I would say you know, 20 to about 40, you are constantly being bombarded by women who put their lives on social media and that's not their real life. You're seeing a snippet and you're generalizing that to think that their house is always that neat, their kids behave that well. It's just not real life. It can really mess with your mind.
Speaker 6:Yeah, you know, we see it all the time here or even kids that meet friends over gaming and they've become friends with them and they're just making fun of, they're struggling to connect, because we know that that's not actually. They're connecting in the digital world but then they're not getting true connection, because it's very different when you're with someone one on one. The body image thing that's kind of what I was focusing a lot on too, especially because of my age and being a younger mom. It's so hard. But, you know, I am so grateful for the people that get on social media and say, hey look, I'm positioning my body this way. That's what.
Speaker 6:This is what it looked like this morning and this is what it looked like now, because that does make me be like, okay, yeah, that's a real thing, right, like it's, you could be positioning your body to have it to look a certain way. You could be using a filter, you could be altering the photo completely Right, or maybe you are really fit in body, but then you're trying to use it to empower other people, right? So there's just so many things, but I worry all the time, especially because you see the waist stuff that they're really trying to like skim down their waist and they're putting corsets on and stuff like that. That, like I just worry all the time. But yeah, I think it does play a huge role. But even for men, like if you aren't tall and buff, then that's another thing that we focus on. And so there is there's a lot of stigma around social media.
Speaker 5:They say that comparison is the thief of joy. Yeah, and I think that social media just gives us a lot more opportunity to compare. Yep, Right. So I think you have to just be mindful of that. I have also, Chloe, seen you know social media personalities who show you their perfect living room and then they open the bedroom door and everything's been crammed in there.
Speaker 5:Right, it's total. It's a total mess. And so they're honestly saying this was staged. Yeah, but I think the younger you are, the harder that is to realize. So I think for our kids they think that's real life, you know, especially if they're isolated and focused on social media and they're not getting opportunities to go out and play with the kid next door or be on an athletic team or be around other people who are living their life naturally yeah, and the feedback never stops either.
Speaker 2:So even if they are brave enough to do whatever they are trying to do on social media, you're going to get some kind of instant feedback whether that's positive or negative or you're going to probably get a mix of both.
Speaker 2:You know it's like I said, I watched a lot of YouTube and you know they even I see some of the creators even say I know it's going to come out of the comments, right, yeah, and you know, know these are people who use this, that's their business, it's what they do and they're professional. But I I imagine children it's so hard or you already get enough of it in person. Now it can never stop. And if us, as parents, are monitoring or helping protect the children and knowing what they're doing and what they're watching and what kind of things they're receiving, I mean they could be in a kind of you know that depression state and all plus, you know, if you're doing that more than hanging out with your family and talking to people in person, those things add to a lot of isolation.
Speaker 4:Yeah, a lot. That's exactly what I was thinking the pressure to always be liked right on every social media platform. Yeah, you like and comment.
Speaker 3:I see that with my daughters. I'm thinking back when we were kids, when was at school. You know, I saw my friends and maybe out and about at certain things, but usually when I was home I didn't really think much about what was going on with the kids, other kids at school. But now you have kids, see everything that's going on and what their friends are doing on Instagram, on all the other social media. There's a fear of missing out. I think that happens a lot. Or they see that their friend is hanging out with another friend and doing activities and then they they wonder why they weren't invited, and there's lots of stuff like that. And then there's social bullying around that. That kind of happens too. So that's a lot of pressure. That wasn't around when Lisa and I were kids.
Speaker 6:I have a good friend and I'm in my mid to late 30s who takes pictures when we go out, but she won't post them because she has other friends that get upset. And I told her. I said, man, I don't have the capacity to care like that. Like I just want to one I'm bad at photos anyways Like I try hard at my kids' events, but even more on vacation I only bring it down to the pool area, like once because I just want to be with them, and so I don't bring my phone down for hours. But I always feel sad because I'm like I just don't. I hate that you feel that way from other friends, because we should just be embracing, yeah, like, and not be worried that other friends feel left out or offended, because it's always good to have a community with different people, yeah.
Speaker 3:So how can parents tell the difference between normal teen phone use and maybe harmful overuse?
Speaker 6:You know, I think we've talked a little bit about teens, when they are isolating, and sometimes I think we put in like our mind like hey, they don't really want to be around me, they're going to their room. But the reality is, yeah, they could be going to their room being on the phone, but I think that's not always true. I think they genuinely do want time with us, and sometimes we're going to have to like push it a little more or seek them out, but that doesn't mean that they didn't necessarily want it. And so I think what you do have to worry about if it becomes harmful, is that if you see them completely pull away and then no one's initiating any connection and yeah, I think that's where it could be harmful at times if their whole world is around. I also put you know, if it is taken away or you take it up at night and you notice like they feel like their whole world is like crumbling, then hey, that might be that it's no longer a normal team phone usage.
Speaker 5:Sometimes it's the adult that withdraws into their phone yes, phone usage Sometimes it's the adult that withdraws into their phone yes. So you have to remember, when you're home and your kids are home, to put your phone down, to put your technology down and draw them into being engaged with you.
Speaker 6:I think that's so good. My husband has a job where he doesn't have his phone. He's not allowed to have it, yeah. And so there's a lot of conversation of once me and the kids are home like hey, I think You've been on it, like I need you to put it down. Yeah, but for him he spends a third of his life without a phone, and so I think when he is home he does want it or he wants to use it. But we have to have reminders of like hey, we're all home now.
Speaker 6:And so let's all connect right.
Speaker 2:Another sign of harmful overuse might be that those boundaries you guys talk about, that you set, they get broken or they're lying about it, things like that. That's a big sign of it.
Speaker 4:I know, Sam, you mentioned the hang up and hang out and I think that could be a sign of harmful use when friends are gathering together and everyone's on their phone and there's no actual connection happening because everyone is just face down on their phone.
Speaker 3:So how has phone use before bedtime affecting the kids' sleep quality or overall general well-being and health?
Speaker 6:You know, I think sleep is so important and I know we've talked about, there's been podcasts about it but, like, genuinely, our sleep affects everything we do, like our cortisone levels, how our mood is with other people, just even like weight gain, which is like kind of what I'm now. I'm in this like, hey, I'm getting closer to 40 and I need a paycheck, but really, so I have focused more on trying to get eight hours of sleep, because everything I was reading was saying that sleep can affect that as well, and so I think that phones, before we know that it affects sleep, because we lose track of time, we might be like, hey, well, I'm five more minutes and then it's been 45 minutes, right, so I think that is something that we see. But also it's hard for them to shut their brains off because it's not actually meant to help us with that Right.
Speaker 4:The content can be exciting or stressful or overwhelming, and then it just gets your brain going back again.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, yeah, I heard a podcast that said the blue light affects your melatonin production. So actually, physically, your body thinks you're with the sun. So your body wants to be awake during the sunlight. So they say to try to stop sometime.
Speaker 3:I don't remember the time but sometime before bedtime to stop using your phone. How can phones interfere with the real world responsibilities, especially within families?
Speaker 5:Again, I think sometimes online relationships are easier. You know they it's generally more superficial. You're not always sure who you're really talking to. Right and there's no. It's just like how sometimes people can be really rude and ugly. Online it's easier to type in rude things to a screen. It's harder, you know you would type in things that you wouldn't say to a person face to face. And if we're in a real life relationship we have to work our problems out.
Speaker 5:We have to talk, we have to listen, we have to talk, we have to listen, we have to resolve. And so when those relationships are challenging, for example during the teenage years, sometimes for kids it's just easier to escape into an online relationship and harder to work out problems with a family member.
Speaker 2:Well, I was thinking that every time people are together is an opportunity to build a relationship, and sometimes one or both people can be on a device and somebody tries to have a conversation and it becomes real obvious. You know the other person doesn't hear, or that's cool, like you know, you hear these trigger words and you're like, oh yeah, they're obviously not paying attention, so we stop right, there's no need anymore to go further.
Speaker 2:It's really important, especially for parents, to pay attention to those things right, and it goes both ways right. It's always an opportunity when two humans are in the same place to build something.
Speaker 5:Years ago, I heard a story. It said that in Japanese culture that if you're working in your office and someone comes to your office, it's customary that you put down your pen and paper, you put down the phone and you stand up and give the person who's come to your office your full attention, and so that keeps you from glancing at your computer screen or, you know, not focusing on other things rather than that person, but it also sends a message to that person. Now you have my full attention. Let's have this conversation. I always thought how wise is that, and it might actually be helpful for some of us to be able to fully engage with another person. Put that phone down, right, maybe. Maybe take that Apple Watch off and set it aside so that there's nothing else distracting you from a conversation with a family member, that's a very good point.
Speaker 2:You know, I'm blessed to have at work, I'm blessed to have an office that's big enough to have extra chairs. So when somebody comes to visit me, generally I'll move away from my desk and. I sit so I can face them and, hey, get comfortable. And then yeah, but the phone kind of stays by me because my phone's in my life, but I usually put a face down. Hopefully that's a signal that, hey, I'm not trying to look at the screen.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 6:If I am waiting for a call, I usually let the person know no-transcript you forget, because it tells the time, and so just taking it off, maybe, and just putting it in your pocket for a second yeah, I mean, I think too, like phones, like at night my kids have such a nighttime routine and I try so hard if someone calls like hey, I'm in the middle of this, I will call you back but like this is, they're each like 10 to 15 minutes that they each get. And so I think, truly being intentional with like there are some things that you cherish and you need to just say, hey, you, you don't get that moment right now, like, and so not that I can't call them back, right, and so that's I think we do have to be intentional, but it can affect our real world relationships. If I didn't set that boundary, then it would.
Speaker 2:When I, when I meet people or and I tell them about when they're going to call me, you know, I kind of give them what, my what, what my hygiene is Right, so I'll say, hey, sometimes I'm in meetings or sometimes I'm doing X, y, z. If I call you, it doesn't. If you call me and I don't answer, that doesn't mean it's not important. If you leave me a message, I will always call you back.
Speaker 2:If it's not that important, just text me. I will text you back as soon as I can and I tell that to people in person. That's important and I do tell them also. Hey, usually about 10 o'clock I'm going to sleep mode and I'm not going to hear it. So you got to call somebody else or send me an email, or I'll see the text in the morning. If it's an emergency, I give them who they can call, especially at work.
Speaker 2:But even my family knows, my family knows after 10, sam is not going to be available. You know things like that, and I think that's a fair thing. And so what I'm getting at next is, I think, because there's an anxiety to it, you know, because other people think a thing. When you don't answer or you don't respond right away, they think a thing. So I say that for two reasons. And two, it reduces the other person's anxiety and mine, because now I know that they know if you text me after. So I've already absolved myself of this problem. So you know, we pass it on to your kids. Hey, this is how it works, like my adult children know dad's not answering. I just think that's interesting because there is a give and take about technology, because we're talking about likes. It's the same thing with text. You're ignoring me and I'm not, and kids kind of feel that way and they have a whole lot less what's the right? You know they're so much younger Tensions.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, tensions, man, all that. They're more tied into it than maybe even we are at some point.
Speaker 5:So it's not about them, it's about taking care of you and how do you set those boundaries? I think it's important too that we recognize what information is appropriate to share over text, what should happen in a phone call and what should happen face-to-face. And anytime you're discussing a conflict or a situation where there could possibly be a misunderstanding, making sure you're face-to-face can really help that conversation. That way you get tone of voice, you get facial expression. We read so much into words sent through text. We assign emotion or intent. That's not there. It's just so easy to misunderstand that form of communication. And so for everybody, but especially with your kids and family members, have those face-to-face conversations.
Speaker 6:Same with my sister. She lives in Austin, so she's nine hours away from me, and I FaceTime her at least once a week because I want to actually see her. And so I think that if you do have to use the phones maybe even trying to make it more personal in your conversations- how should parents think about technology?
Speaker 3:What's a healthy mindset to approach with it, rather than just reacting to problems?
Speaker 5:I think that the older we are, the more we get trapped in thinking about the good old days before. Right, we focus on the problems and challenges that phones and technology have brought, and the last podcast was all about the positive things. Right, but we have to realize that it's here to stay. It's not going to change. Josh, you mentioned setting some expectations from the beginning. I think when you start with expectations, it's so much easier to address any conflicts or problems that come up, rather than waiting until there's a problem and then you try to solve it. But understanding this is a part of life and the more willing we are to embrace it, to learn about it and to move forward with it, the more healthy use of it that we can have and that also our kids can have.
Speaker 6:I love that you said that. So you know my son with Kinder now they watch some YouTube at school, right? Yeah, youtube can be stressful for parents. I think it's stressful for me because of the ads that they're going to see, and they do not always put Kids Safe ads on there, and so that is very stressful for me as a parent. And so my son knows like.
Speaker 6:He asked can I watch YouTube? And I'm like OK, what do you want to? We need to pick the show, and then it's in the living room and mom's like cooking dinner at the same time, so that I also see the ads, and he's great at skipping them. I just also want to be very aware of the situation, right. And so he asked like why is it why? Why are you more particular about like than me watching my Disney show? Right, like I'm like because maybe they put stuff on there that mom doesn't think is OK, and mom needs to make sure that she's watching for your safety, but also because you might not need to see certain things on there, right, or it might turn into a scary show, because it'll turn into the next show that isn't appropriate for kids, and so I think, just having a healthy mindset of hey, I know that, so I'm just going to put more in place with that. I don't want to completely remove it, you know, because he is interested in it.
Speaker 2:It's like kind of. I kind of equated my decision to give my kids a phone to kind of get in a car. It's dangerous but also very useful. So it's just like that. It's just like it's a tool. Suzanne said it. We're all talking. We all can probably agree this Technology is not going anywhere.
Speaker 2:It's where we're at. It's evolved so fast since all our childhoods. It's going to be there. So now, as a parent, like you all said, let's put boundaries in it. But since I know it's coming, you know, and I did mine, I think specifically because my kids when they go to athletics, they're far and I want to know that they're okay. Now they were just super excited. But right, and I want to know that they're okay. Now they were just super excited.
Speaker 2:But I needed it for mine and my wife's peace of mind. These guys are going three hours sometimes and I'm not going to be there at times, and so that was for more my peace of mind. But the consideration to do so came with a whole lot of other things that we knew, so I was very fearful. So my advice is like, hey, let's switch from a mindset of fear to curiosity and connection. We were talking about it. What's the good parts? And then you know monitoring. You guys talk about monitoring and I think that was always an open thing. If they use it inappropriately, I have the power to. Hey, we got, we got to restart or we got to find a different way to do it.
Speaker 2:I had found my uh, my, my kids, you know, and I think, for for the. Yeah, we had xbox back when they were younger and I let them play online. I had something, something I did, and I thought it was really fun. What I didn't think through the Xbox was different than a phone. Right, it's not different. They're connecting with other people. And then, with the phone, my daughter was texting somebody. She says it was a kid and I said, but hey, that's not a kid, you don't know who these people are. So it's something I had to teach and it was very difficult to make them understand. But I think what I did wrong was I didn't do what you said, was I did not put a boundary in place before thinking through.
Speaker 2:And so another advice I might have is okay, when you decide on technology, because we don't know what's coming next when you decide to get something in your house, you know they have Alexa HomePods. What's it going to be used for? What do I need it for? Do I really need to control the lights with my voice? What do I need this for? In my case, I needed it for my children, so I had some peace of mind. Also, I think they were old enough and they were mature enough at that point that they could probably use this right. What am I going to do with this? Do I really need this thing in my house? And if I do, what's the ups and downs to having it?
Speaker 4:I think another mindset to have is yes, technology isn't going away, but it is also continuously growing. New things constantly changing, and so knowing ahead of time, you're going to have to constantly be doing research, research on the trends, on the apps. There is a wonderful Facebook page that I recommend to a lot of families I believe it's called Parenting in a Tech World, and then you can join it and it's just a community of parents who are constantly posting questions, asking for other parents advice on what does this mean and what does this app do to kind of get ahead of what, what might be going on I think that's so smart because most of us didn't grow up with this technology and I mean, the kids are digital natives but we're not, and so it is, and I think that we have to give ourselves some grace too that because we didn't up in that we don't understand it.
Speaker 3:We probably are going to mess it up a little bit. Joining some groups to kind of learn and research, I think is important to help grow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, tech only comes with installation and operating instructions. I mean installation instructions. They don't come with what to do with it. Just like parenting, no-transcript, like what is this, what's that app? And look it up. They usually have a pretty good description and, in fact, other technology can tell you what it is and what's the what's the, what's the ups and downs for it and things. Remember, when we were well, one of the things I used to use was the oh, I can't remember the name of the website, but it was a website where if, like you had a, if you're thinking about letting your kids watch a movie, it would rate it and then show you like the levels of, like you know, the bad stuff. Also, it gave you like talking conversations. If you did choose to watch the show, it would give you like talking points to talk about with your kids. I can't remember that website. Commonsensemediacom yeah, yeah, okay, I thought that was a really neat one. Now it's way probably different than now that it was back then, but it's the same it's really cool.
Speaker 3:So what are some daily habits or routines that can help create a balance between phone and screen time?
Speaker 6:So obviously like putting a schedule together, setting your limits or boundaries ahead of time, so they already know expectations. But one of the things is people say, hey, go outside, we spend all the time outside. But nowadays I think it's important that they also like what you do is what they do. So we have chickens, which is wild. No one in my life ever thought we'd have chickens.
Speaker 6:But my husband loves to go sit outside and hang out with the chickens and so I was laughing, which is also hilarious to me. He sits on a bucket and talks to them and feeds them, like every day for like 20 minutes. But yesterday my husband was at work and I look outside and Leighton went out there and was sitting on the bucket talking to the chickens, feeding them, and I was like, but right, because that if I'm just sending them outside but not engaging too, it feels like an isolation a little bit. So I go outside with them and even if they're riding their bikes, I try to. I don't like riding bikes but I do ride with my six-year-old because he loves it, and so I'm fearful because I'm so short that I'm going to fall off and the ground is not as far away it feels away.
Speaker 2:It's obvious to have off hours. I think that's one of the things we all talk about. We talked about bedtime, mealtime, you know, have those standard off hours that you guys can just shut down and everybody agrees to it.
Speaker 5:I think it's important to pull your kids into that conversation right. Rather than I'm going to dictate the rules about technology use, we're going to sit down as a family and we're going to talk about it, and your kids will have more buy-in to those family rules if they've been set by the family rather than you alone as the parent.
Speaker 6:Well and I don't know who said it, somebody said it earlier that, like, what they see you do is what? So if you are only on your phone, then they think that that is the priority right, and so they are watching everything we do. And so if phones aren't that important to us, then they might not be overused by them too.
Speaker 3:So what would you say is the best way to handle phones, at bedtime or overnight?
Speaker 6:I think they don't need it overnight. That is my opinion. We don't really need it overnight either, if I'm honest Kind of like what Sam is saying he knows that people that he shuts down and people know that about him. So I think it's okay that they are taken up and you know, we here, we at Ranch, we take them up until they're a senior and they can earn that privilege and the team decides. And I think that's totally healthy because once they move out of our house they're also going to need to know how to do it appropriately. So it seems like a gradual thing that as they are getting into their junior or senior year, that maybe y'all start looking into it, because they are going to have to navigate it overnight once they're out of your house.
Speaker 3:So if a parent realizes that they've been too lenient on tech or it's gotten out of control, how would you recommend that they reset the culture at home?
Speaker 6:You know, josh, this is something I feel like is interesting, that I have conversations not necessarily about technology, but sometimes our homes kind of get out of whack, a little bit out of balance, and it's something that Sam and I have to frequently talk to them about. Okay, it's time to do a reset. We need to set more boundaries, we need to, and it's going to be rough for a little bit, all right, because they're going to push back a little bit, but you can get them back in a rhythm.
Speaker 6:What people don't realize is kids actually do love boundaries and consistencies. They pretend like they don't, but we all want to know what to expect. Sam and I have these conversations all the time about work Like we want to know. We know our day, it's planned out. We both put our calendars together, but everybody wants to know their routine or how their day is going to look. Kids are the exact same way. It's safer that way and so, yeah, it might be a little bumpy, but I think that you can always get it back into. Start a routine. Do what Suzanne said Make them a part of that conversation. Allow them to have some sort of buy-in into what the schedule or the parameters are going to look like. Maybe they want it like Emily was talking earlier. Maybe they want it after. They want it right when they get home, and then they have a set time for their homework. So let them have some choice in it, yeah.
Speaker 2:I like the concept of just being open and honest about things. You know, even describing hey, we're out of whack here and here's why. Also, when you don't look at it like restriction and well, it is going to be kind of a restriction, but at the same time you want to do those things gradually, unless it's just completely out of control there's something really inappropriate. There's a way to gradually say, hey, this is why we're doing it, here's where we're going to. We're not going to go straight to no springtime. Maybe we go down half an hour at a time or something and we're going to get to this point. Let's do it together and I do it with you. It's just not good if you're just going to your room all the time.
Speaker 5:And so I think you have to have conversations with your kids and lead them to insight about the impact that technology is having. And so I know, in particular, one of my granddaughters will she'll delete, like the Instagram app. She'll realize that it's consuming too much of her time or it's, you know, pulling out anxiety or whatever the case may be, and she'll just she'll delete it and she may go 30, 60 days without that, and then she'll jump back on. You know, but she is old enough to be aware of the impact it's having and to manage that herself. And so I think I think, again, it's good, if your kids are old enough, that you're having a conversation and you might even say, hey, I've decided, I'm going to go Facebook free, or Instagram you know for 30 days, because here's the impact it's having on me.
Speaker 5:So you're normalizing that it can have a negative influence and you're modeling healthy choices too.
Speaker 6:I think that's so interesting. My husband has no social media and it drives like his family and it drives his friends nuts, and so then they all friend me, and so it's just funny. But I really do try to post about our kids so his family can keep up. But he has zero desire to have any social media and won't, and so it is interesting how but I think that's so wise that she's like I can just delete this and not I don't need it right now.
Speaker 3:So what role does positive family relationships play in keeping kids connected with their family and friends instead of being connected to their technology?
Speaker 6:You know, I think about this all the time as my kids are little and I just think I hope that they feel like a priority and that they know that they're unconditionally loved so that they want to choose that over technology, right? And I think about even some friendships and even me and my husband. We love vacations with our kids and most of our vacations ends up being at water parks, but it's we, it's because we unplug, we don't take our phones down there and all the things, and so that's some of my favorite things is just building memories with them. But even when my friendships you know I have a close knit group of four of us and every year for our birthdays, we take a full day off and we spend the entire day together. That's what we do for each of our birthdays. So four, four days out of the year, that's it and we're off and it's just being intentional about time together, and so that's my hope is that my kids see that that's a priority over technology and positive relationships to do that?
Speaker 4:Yeah, I think of the model of leadership and service. So if the positive relationships are truly meeting the need of safety, power, purpose, belonging, achievement and adventure, then they won't need to seek that other places through technology. Yeah, that's great.
Speaker 2:Be the dopamine hit.
Speaker 4:Yeah, right Be the thing that they're seeking.
Speaker 2:So if they feel good being around you and you're safe, they're going to want to be around you. That's the whole thing. I think technology helps fill a hole at times and we're busy. Let's acknowledge we're busy people, All of us. Every parent out there has responsibilities and we have to monitor ourselves about our escape. So be the dopamine hit. It sounds like your kids are your dopamine hit as well. So let's be each other's dopamine All right.
Speaker 3:Thank you so much for joining us today. If you'd like to contact us and ask us a question, our email address is podcast at calfardlyorg. I'll make sure and leave a link in the description and, as always, you might have to loan out your front of the lobes today. Just make sure you remember and get them back.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarleyorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Calfarley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.
