Brain Based Parenting
Brain Based Parenting, The Boys Ranch Podcast for families.
We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley’s Boys Ranch has to offer.
Contact us: email
podcasts@calfarley.org
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https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Brain Based Parenting
Parent Traps- When Love Needs Limits: Nurturing Without Caving.
We explore the hidden costs of permissive parenting and how clear, calm boundaries increase safety, confidence and connection. Six common traps are unpacked with simple ways to reset routines, share the “why” behind rules and hold the line without guilt.
• defining permissive parenting and why it’s rising
• structure as safety and the impact on emotional growth
• spotting red flags at home, school and church
• caveman parenting: caving after nagging and how to stop it
• cotton candy parenting versus true gentle parenting
• prizes, treats and screens versus intrinsic motivation
• hands-off pitfalls and curating trusted mentors
• entitlement from royalty parenting and school reality checks
• adult gaming, disconnection and family-first guardrails
• pool drop risks, groupthink and appropriate independence
• awareness, small changes and staying consistent when behavior escalates
Contact:
podcasts@calfarley.org
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Cal Farley Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
SPEAKER_01:Hello and welcome. Last episode, we had such an interesting discussion on the lawnmower trap of parenting that we thought we would continue to talk about some other common permissive parenting traps we sometimes fall into.
SPEAKER_03:To do that today, I'm joined by Suzanne Ratt, Vice President of Training and Intervention.
SPEAKER_00:Chloe Hewitt, Youth Programs Administrator, Sam Sterna, Assistant Administrator of Reg Residential Communities.
SPEAKER_01:All right, let's kick off with our question of the day. Since we're talking about permissive parenting, what is something you permitted your kids to do that your parents did not permit you to do?
SPEAKER_03:I think that's a hard question. For one thing, there was 30 years of difference. Right. Like I mean, the the years that I grew up in versus the years I was raising children. So many things had changed, but but one thing that came to mind is that I didn't really care a lot what my kids were. Like if they were in the middle of playing dress up and we needed to go to the grocery store, they could wear the dress up close to the grocery store. Like I didn't, I didn't make them change to look quote unquote presentable before you know we went out in public.
SPEAKER_04:Mine is like a simple one, but it's really true. I permit my kids to have snacks, and my parents were very much like all three meals a day. Okay. And so I think it does infuriate my parents at times when they come over. My mom was also very regimented about what I ate and my sister ate. And I try to have more of a balance with my kids and teach them more about what's protein and what's a carb. And so we have those conversations instead of saying they can't have things. Because I was very much raised that I couldn't have a lot of junk food.
SPEAKER_00:I think mine, something simple, like we always ate in the kitchen and here or raising my kids. I didn't really care. We we could watch TV together and we ate in the living room. But that's not something we did as as a in my family growing up.
SPEAKER_02:How about you, Josh?
SPEAKER_01:So I was not allowed to watch G.I. Joe or He-Man. So with cartoons, I I've always felt like I missed out on some of those awesome shows. So I let my girls pretty much watch whatever cartoons they wanted to watch.
SPEAKER_03:Did your girls want to watch He-Man and G.I. Joe?
SPEAKER_01:You know, they actually did watch some of those. Yeah, we're all they're they're big nerds just like me. I hope they don't listen to this. All right. So we're gonna talk about permissive parenting traps this week. So when the term permissive parenting, or when I say the term permissive parenting, what comes to mind?
SPEAKER_03:Yes. It makes me think of parents who let the kids run the show and let them do whatever they want.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. They struggle to say no. And so the kids kind of roll the roost.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I've always heard high high nurture, low structure.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So do you think permissive parenting is more common today than it was in past generations? And why or why not do you think that's true?
SPEAKER_04:I think it is, but I think it's because I I feel like I'm speaking for my generation. So I think it's because we really want to empower our kids. And so sometimes we might go a little too far with that. But our intention is to allow our kids to have some more choice or more voice than maybe we were allowed as kids because it was kind of like being raised, it was kind of like you do it because I said so. And it sometimes wasn't explained or even choices were never like given.
SPEAKER_03:So it may be a reaction to the way you were raised.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Right. And that may be true for a lot of our listeners as well.
SPEAKER_01:How can permissiveness harm a child's emotional growth?
SPEAKER_04:Well, I think we talk all the time, kind of like what you said, Josh, that it's low in structure. And what we have seen is that structure is still very important to all of us, even adults. And so I do think it's very important emotionally that we need to know our boundaries. We need to have boundaries so that we can be successful because we all thrive in structure. And so I think that it can be harmful if there is no balance or structure or they have no bedtime or no idea of what's coming next in the day.
SPEAKER_03:We've talked before in the past about safety, which is at the center of our model of leadership and service. And one of the best ways to provide safety is to give boundaries and structure and routine and predictability. Those things are necessary for your children to be able to grow emotionally, right? You have to have that foundation first.
SPEAKER_00:I also wonder about how much, especially when kids go to school or go into different environments that aren't the home, where there might be some more structure needed or required, um, you know, for you make events or maybe things that are like maybe a little bit risky to do, like roller coasters is something as simple as following the rules, right? And uh not that these people don't follow the rules. I just think emotionally when they go to that place, how do you how do your peers or how do adults see you? Do you does it reduce the amount of positive interactions you're having outside of the home at times? Also, parents are under a lot of pressure, uh, I think too. I think maybe today, not as much. I think as a parent, me growing up, I felt a lot of pressure to keep my kids in check and make sure my my kids are behaving right and acting right and dressing right. And I don't know if that's different today. I haven't raised kids in 30 years doing so No, it's still the same.
SPEAKER_03:I think you definitely feel there's a pressure for them to always act their best. I think, you know, we had family friends who the mom was a stay-home mom and it was relaxed in their home. I'm not I'm not saying there was no structure, but you know, there wasn't a routine you could go out and play when you wanted to or come in and color when you wanted to. And when her youngest child went to kindergarten and everything was structured and routined, this child had a really difficult transition into we do certain things at different times of the day. And it it was a struggle.
SPEAKER_01:So, what might be some signs that your parenting has become too permissive?
SPEAKER_04:I think kind of like what Suzanne was talking about, that like when routine or structure is provided in it at a church environment or at school, and then you're seeing outburst or like anxiety or they just don't know how to manage it, it's because maybe there is not a lot at home. And so then there's the beginning to struggle with that. I mean, I think tantrums are real if they're told no, and then there's a tantrum, I think, which some of that is very age appropriate and normal. I mean, we're gonna get resistance every time because we're by nature selfish and we want what we want. And so I think some of that's normal, but you're gonna see some of that maybe on the extreme side.
SPEAKER_03:You know, it's the parent's job to create the boundary, right? To set the rule. It's the child's job to push against the boundary, to put their toe over that line, right? That's their job. But but then again, in response to that, it's our job to hold that line and to hold that boundary. And so when you see that you've tried to set a boundary and the child not only pushes against it but mows it down, yeah, then you you may want to check your parenting to see, you know, don't set a boundary, don't don't set a rule unless it's necessary. But if it's necessary, you need to enforce that rule.
SPEAKER_00:I wonder if also signs that signs uh uh people aren't always just gonna tell you. Yeah, like I think that's why the question might be worded the way it is. There's gonna be signs, right? And I was thinking I'll ex externally, right, the things y'all said, and I might get a note from the teacher, or I might, you know, get some looks or whatever. But internally, how would you know at home? Maybe I was thinking that what if your schedule's not running the way you need it to be? You're missing you're missing deadlines or we're we're being late to things, or man, those are some signs that maybe things aren't going well. Cause I I would imagine that most adults believe, hey, I gotta get XYZ done, and I'm not hitting that because and it and if you look at it, it's it's because I'm hitting these roadblocks constantly. That might be a a sign for you to question, hey, maybe I'm a little permissive.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it sounds like chaos.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, it does. Yeah. I was gonna say if you feel chaos and you feel dysregulated, that's a sign that your schedule's not working, and and you can see those signs in your children that they are dysregulated too.
SPEAKER_04:So we I have like a short story, but it's funny. My sister and her two kids just recently came to visit and they stayed at my house. And my nephew is almost three, and then she has a one-year-old. And so my nephew would just go destroy each room, like to play. He was playing in my daughter's room, and then my son's room, and then the living room. And it would so all the toys migrated all over the house. And so my dad was laughing at me because I'm like, he never cleaned up a toy, and I was like constantly cleaning because my husband's ex-military, and I'm also very organized, and so I needed my house back together. So I cleaned my daughter's room four times in one day. And so I remember saying to my sister, I said, Hey, I think at some point you're gonna have to evaluate at what point you're gonna start talking to him about cleaning, because he is getting to the age where he should be able to start cleaning up some of his toys. And I didn't want to offend, but I also wanted her to recognize that if it doesn't start implementing, it will just become a pattern. And so it was a conversation that we had about teaching because it is kind of pure chaos. But I think she is also a little bit better about dealing with chaos than I am in my own house.
SPEAKER_01:So, how k how might kids respond to lack of boundaries? What type of behaviors would you expect?
SPEAKER_03:I think boundaries again make kids feel safe. And and this is a story I read a long time ago, but it seems to fit, you know, there was an elementary school with a typical, you know, chain link fence around the playground, and and the school had had been built like that, it'd been operated like that for many years. And researchers went in and they took the chain link fence off. And what do you think the kids did? Like you might think they all ran away, right? But in reality, they all huddled close to the building, right? And they talked about where the fence was and and why was it gone and was it coming back, right? And their play decreased, and their verb, you know, they verbalized their their anxiety about that. So they monitored the kids' level of activity and level of play for the next two weeks, and then they came in and they put the fence back up. And you might think that immediately the kids returned to their normal play and their normal level of activity, but in in reality, they stayed huddled by the building. So prior to that time, that fence had always been a source of security for them, and it was always there until it wasn't. And now the fence no longer held permanence in their mind. It it will it be here today? Will it be gone tomorrow? Right. And so towards the middle of the week, some of the kids moved out towards the playground equipment. And by the end of the week, some of the kids, you know, they might go as far as the fence, say if a fire truck went by. But over the following two weeks, they never really returned to that level of play and activity that they had prior to the fence. And I just think that's a great example of the necessity of boundaries in a child's life, right? If I know that the adults in my world are gonna keep me safe and that there's structure that I can function within, then I can kind of let my hair down and play. But without that boundary, without that structure, I'm worried about it. I and I'm gonna show signs of anxiety because of that.
SPEAKER_04:Right. I I think it's so interesting because I think that they want it, but it like we talked about earlier, they're going to continue to push it. My son knows that he can ride his bike to this. We have a trooper on our street, and so it's halfway to our street, and so he knows he can ride his bike to there. Well, the other day he went further than that. And I walked down there, I was like, What are you doing? He's like, I'm watching the water, it's peaceful. And I said, Okay, that's fine. You went a little further, but from now on, remember the rule is if you go further than that, you have to ask mom. You can't just break the boundary. And so it's so funny because even in moments, and it his was innocence, but it's still an easy way for me to see him from my vantage point. And so I do think you're gonna see them push it regardless if you're too permissive or not. Like it's just gonna have times. But there could be a good reason behind it.
SPEAKER_03:I do think as kids get older, you may see other behavior, you know, refusal to follow rules, right? Because they weren't enforced when when they were younger. And so, parents of young children, as you listen to this, as hard as enforcing those boundaries and rules is now, it's only gonna get harder as they move into middle school and high school. And so you've got to set that structure when they're young. But you know, that could also lead to entitlement later on. I should be allowed to do whatever I want.
SPEAKER_00:And you do sometimes see those middle school and high school kids with that attitude. Yeah, and some of the some of the behaviors you see too, uh I used to hear all the time if some if you're not in charge, somebody's gonna be. And so, right, sometimes uh for whatever reason, there's no boundaries. Well, somebody's gotta be able to answer the question. If a parent's not around to answer a question, then who's next in charge, right? If I'm by myself, I'm in charge. And yeah, you know, and sometimes that translates to other avenues or other areas of their life, like I said. It's not, I mean, sometimes maybe it's not entitlement, maybe it's hey, I'm just so used to making my own decisions and taking care of things and you know, doing what I need to do or want to do that, you know, that that's the kind of behaviors you might I might see out of that lack of boundaries.
SPEAKER_03:One of Cal Barley's sayings was if it's good for the kids, it's more work for the adults. And I think we would all agree with that, right? And setting those boundaries and providing that structure, it's not easy. No, no, y'all we would all agree that parenting is hard and it takes a lot of effort. And some days it might it might just feel easier to be permissive and let them do what they want, but it just it sets a precedence for behavior that's gonna be much more difficult to deal with as kids move into their teenage years. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:All right, so let's kind of break down some of the more common permissive parenting styles. So the first one we're gonna say is the caveman parenting style, which a parent says no at first, but then they cave after a lot of nagging. How would you describe this style of paint parenting? How does it play out?
SPEAKER_03:You know, I think sometimes no is just almost automatic out of our mouths as a parent, right? Before we've even really considered what the child is asking, no comes out automatically. And I can remember saying no to my oldest child, and you know, she's four or five years old, and she would go to her room and and think about it, and she would come back and she would say, Mom, I'm not trying to argue, but number one, blah, blah, blah. Number two, like, and then she would lay out this case like a mini lawyer. And there were times that I had to say, you know, you've made some really good points, and I'm gonna reverse my decision and let you do that. And so I, you know, just like acknowledging that sometimes we're wrong is okay. I think that's good. But one thing that can help you prevent that is to think, think before you answer. Yeah. Don't make it an automatic no.
SPEAKER_04:I I also think explain, you know, I I try really hard to explain my no. I have both of my children are very, very, very strong-willed. And I say that's how you get that prompt. I don't know, but I say that, but also their teachers have told me that. So it's not just me saying that. Like I don't think it's a but I have learned that I was a kid that needed to know the why or what was behind it. And so I have tried very intentionally to give if there is a no as to why it's a no. But there's been times, like Suzanne said, that I said it too fast, and then I was like, I don't know why it was a no. I think it was just an automatic no. And so then I apologized and said, okay, I think we can do this instead. And I've also tried to be better about if they say, Hey, can I have this piece of chocolate? Then I'm like, Yes, you can after dinner. And so instead of me always giving the no, giving me the yes and when, because right, like I'm not necessarily worried about the chocolate. I'm worried about them eating the chocolate before dinner. And so what am I actually worried about?
SPEAKER_01:One of the things I heard about this style of parenting is it's a lot like a slot machine and why slot machines are so addictive. You pull that lever so many times and you get the no, the no, the no. But at some point the slot machine's gonna pay off if you stick with it. And that's what the kids do. They get addicted to if I can just keep pulling that lever at some point, I'm gonna cash in. And I think that's kind of what happens. We as adults have just so much tolerance sometimes before we can we cave and give them, we decide it's just feels easier to say yes.
SPEAKER_04:I mean, that happens too. So I I think we've all had moments where we did this.
SPEAKER_01:Yep. What are some common behaviors that could come from this style of parenting?
SPEAKER_00:Well, they they learn that they can negotiate or bully or which I don't know. Well, the negotiating part's not a bad thing. I think it's it's a cool skill. I think they learn that whining wins. Yes. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:And so sometimes we unintentionally parent. And so we set up a structure where we've encouraged them to nag and nag and nag to whine and whine because they know eventually they'll get that yes. And so we've created that, right? Instead of, like Chloe said, no, but here's the reason why. Yeah. And so sometimes you have to think about, you know, your style of parenting. What's the outcome you want, but what's the outcome you've unintentionally created? I think it's also really important to remember that you're parenting children for adulthood.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:That whatever you're doing in the minute may be the easiest thing for you, but they're only going to be kids for 18 years. And the bulk of their life is going to be as an adult. Did you parent in a way that prepared them long term for adulthood?
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So what can a parent do differently to get out of this trap?
SPEAKER_04:I mean, I think some of what we've already talked about, like if you are giving a no, maybe giving it a reason why. But I also think it's okay to say, hey, my answer is still no. And I and I know that's frustrating and hard. And maybe we can talk about like it enough in the future, but right now it's a no, you know, trying to explain it if you're not, but then be firm on it. And and you kind of have to sit in the ugly sometimes. I think that's a difficult thing as a parent, is that we kind of have to like let ride out the temper tantrum when they're frustrated, especially if you've fallen into this a lot, you're gonna get a lot. But then the kids will fall into a routine because we're all routine by nature. So it doesn't mean that you can't reverse it in the future.
SPEAKER_03:I think if you anticipate situations where this may happen. So you you know that you've got to go to Walmart and do your shopping.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:And you have both of your kids in the cart, right? You can probably anticipate that they're gonna ask for some candy or ask for a toy that they see at checkout or on the in-cap. So in the car before you go in, you just do some prep work. We're gonna go in, we're gonna follow this list. Today we're not gonna buy, blah, blah, blah. Or today I'm gonna let you each pick out one type of candy, right? But you set that foundation. And I can remember with my kids, you know, as they got a little older and they're tired of hearing me give the drill, I would say, what's the drill? Before we walk in. And then they would say it to me, which is just as effective, right? They knew they knew what the drill was. And so then you've already laid that foundation before you get yourself in a situation where you're gonna be tired. You just want to get through Walmart, and it's easier just to cave. But again, you don't want to teach them the wrong, the wrong thing.
SPEAKER_00:Do y'all think it's possible that some of this is guilt-induced? Like sometimes parents parents feel guilty, yeah, telling their kids no and that they're not gonna like me or or whatever. And I somebody said it earlier, and I I think this is something to think about. You gotta think about the long game, right? Right now today, they're gonna be a little bit unhappy about the no, even if you explain it, even if it's the best, even if you're front-loaded, all the things that there's a little bit of guilt that's gonna come along, a little, maybe a little anger or disappointment from the child. But then you, you know, my kids got a lot of no's, you know, and a lot of yeses in their life, and you know, they don't even remember all that stuff. They they don't care about that stuff. They're now adults who can also say no to their children, which which is a beautiful thing because they you said it earlier, Suzanne, you're modeling, you're we're preparing them for the future. So I encourage parents to not don't worry about the long term, as long as you do it respectfully, and I think like Chloe said, you give reasons. I think that's the best you can do. And sometimes it's for their safety, or you or you or you don't you gotta vet the other parents if they want to go do a sleepover. Yeah. All that stuff. Those kids don't even understand it, even especially if they're young. Don't feel guilty about it. Say no for now, and and you know, you can always turn a yo no into a yes. Something I learned here. Somebody said you can always turn a no into a yes if you think about it and change your mind. It's easier than the other way around.
SPEAKER_01:Next, let's talk about the cotton candy parenting trap. Too sweet to say no, avoids any conflict, prioritizes happiness over discipline. So, what does this style of parenting look like?
SPEAKER_03:You know, I think that the term gentle parenting has become popular over the last several years. And I think sometimes that's misunderstood. Right. There's a happy medium between like being overly severe, always saying no, and then being caught and candy. Right. And I think gentle is meant to be that that happy medium, but a lot of people fall into this no discipline that the answer is always yes, that the that there's never a consequence. And I think that the people providing that kind of parenting think they're being loving and caring towards their kids. But in reality, for the kids, that's very chaotic. Kids' brains aren't built to be in charge, no, even of themselves, until they are much, much older. And so you can prioritize happiness over discipline, but you're not gonna be happy for long. The the family itself is not gonna be happy for long.
SPEAKER_04:Well, and I think too, when I think about this parenting style, you know, that's also not kind of how our world works, right? Like we're gonna encounter conflict on a daily basis in your job, in driving down the road, you're gonna get conflict in school. School, and then even discipline. Like you're gonna get discipline at work. If you show up late, you might get a conversation, or you might or at school, if you wear shorts that were too short, you might get discipline, right? And so I think that it also doesn't really give them a good picture of what life looks like. And so, really, it might be somewhat happiness for them, but then they're gonna get to a place where it they're that they can't control that, right? Once they're in school or at a job.
SPEAKER_01:So, what do you think parents could do differently to get out of this trap?
SPEAKER_04:I think set some routine and some structure. I also think it's one of those things that you should always have, you know, if you're married, have that conversation, or even if you're co-parenting, like what are your kind of guidelines and restrictions? So that's conversations me and my husband are always having. Like, what is your like hard lines and what's my hard lines? And then what are some negotiables for us when it comes to our discipline, right? Like, you know, I've talked on here before that it's really important to us that our kids look nice. That's not everybody's point of view, like that's not everybody's point of view. It is really important to me and my husband that we educate our kids on when to look nice and presentable and to do your hair and to comb it. And so, and that's just something that is important to both of us, but it might not be to the next couple or the next family. And so that's okay. And so I think having those conversations about when it is is appropriate to discipline and then conflict, it's gonna happen. So I think being prepared and ready to talk about it, even if you because we we by nature do have conflict no matter what.
SPEAKER_03:And I think, you know, where do kids learn to handle structure and boundaries? Yes. You learn to handle that in the home. That's where the your first exposure to structure and boundaries would be so that you can develop capacity and be prepared to come up against those structure and boundaries that are gonna happen, as you said, in the classroom, on a first job, later in a career. You know, sometimes we we have all worked with employees who were raised by this kind of parent and who now work for our organization and they're stunned that we expect them to be here on time, that we expect them to follow a dress code, that they have to follow rules. And that's way too late in life to be learning how you function in in our society.
SPEAKER_04:And I I think what Sam said earlier was so great. It's a you that you thought it could be some of their own parent guilt, right? Yeah. So I think we are parented in a certain way, which I talked about a little bit, like about the reason why I parent the way I do, I think is some of my own parenting that I had. And so I think sometimes we we do see the lens through our own parent, like how our parents parented us. And so then we do want to change, but you can swing too far that way, right? And so I know that I kind of do swing more to the permissive. Like I have good boundaries about certain things, but I'm more of the permissive one out of me and my husband. And so being aware of it and also calling each other out. My husband is very good about saying, Yeah, I think you shouldn't have probably like let them have that battle, right? And so, and same for him, I'm like, hey, that was a little too harsh. You can give in a little. And so just knowing where you lie on that continuum and having open conversations about it.
SPEAKER_00:I'm not sure my family could have afforded to be cotton candy parents. I mean, I I was thinking about how I think you gotta think about future, right? Like we said earlier. Who who can uh live like that? I mean, really, I'm let I just and you you guys can correct me if I if I'm off base here, but saying no is important. I think some things are unsafe. I think some things are expensive. Uh I can't imagine, you know, some of the Lego sets my grandsons wanted when they lived with me recently. I can't afford a hundred dollar Lego set. It's a beautiful thing.
SPEAKER_03:For small children.
SPEAKER_00:Can you imagine? I mean, and they're just gonna end up broken all over the floor. So I'm I'll go, okay, in the moment right now, yeah, you want this thing, but I I gotta think about my long-term, my my even short-term financial impact. We gotta eat today. You know, and and so I was thinking, who can do that? You must have to have unlimited resources. And and I know all the no's aren't about all the yeses aren't about you know financial stuff, but I think about safety, I think about all that. And it's one of those things. Okay, so how do how does a parent maybe get out? Is he think about long term, right? Think about, you know, if your finances are great, awesome. Buy buy stuff for your kids. I think that's awesome. But it you also got to think about, hey, there's there's some value to teaching a person how to accept a no or and for yourself and your guilt. I don't know. It's it's a very complicated thing. Yeah, you know.
SPEAKER_04:I'm laughing because you know, I I have those conversations with my kids too. Like if they do get to pick out a toy, okay, you're gonna have this, it's this much. And so I'm constantly saying, that was that's too expensive. That's not in your price range right now. And so but recently he wanted my son really wanted to get the same dinosaur he has that he got for his birthday last year for a friend, a neighbor girl that we were giving a present to. And it was a big dinosaur that was probably like$60 that we got him. And so I said, Well, we can't buy that same one as expensive. So then when he went to give her the gift, he goes, sorry, we had to give you that one. Mom said the other one's too expensive.
SPEAKER_05:So terrifying.
SPEAKER_04:And I was like, I mean, it was, but I also was like, and I was like, that one was still$30. I wasn't being cheap.
SPEAKER_03:And honestly was still a value. You do that exactly.
SPEAKER_04:But I do think that's a conversation that when you do so, when even when you have a yes, you can put the boundary in place, right? Like if you pay the one toy or the one piece, you so a lot of times if we are going to the grocery store and I know my kids are gonna want a toy, I'm like, you get to pick a snack out for the week. You each get to pick a snack that y'all want that mom won't put. And so that it I still like allow them to have a yes, but it's a this is your boundary that you get to pick a snack.
SPEAKER_03:Yes, within these guidelines. Yes.
SPEAKER_04:And so I think that if you know you struggle too far on this, trying to figure out when and put a boundary with it is what I would say.
SPEAKER_03:I'm just gonna say I've seen a lot of, you know, kids who grew up with trauma or financial deprivation or had to live in an out-of-home placement, right? And then they grow up and when they're parenting their children, they want them to have everything they didn't have. Right. And and I think sometimes that falls into this category is, you know, I I was raised in a foster home and I was treated harshly. My children will never be treated that way. Or I wasn't allowed to have certain things, certain toys, or, you know, I wanted to play volleyball, but that, you know, we were told they couldn't afford it. So they go to extremes to provide those things for their children that may be a detriment to the family's overall goals, right? Like Sam said, you still have to fall within the guidelines of a budget. And you know what that comes down to is your parenting out of your emotions. Yeah. And we have talked so many times on this podcast about parts of the brain and brain development. And really your cortex, the rational thinking part of your brain is the part that should be in control of your parenting choices and your finances. And if it's not, that that next part of the brain waiting in line to take over are your emotions. And sometimes we don't make the best decisions when they are out of our emotions. You know, another recommendation I might have is for parents to ask themselves, yeah, where do these decisions come from? Am I making emotional decisions regarding the care of my children or the discipline of my children? And if so, maybe talk to somebody else. Talk to, you know, another parent whom you respect or, you know, your your spouse, a friend, and just try to come up with parenting decisions that that are rational, cortex-based rather than emotional or guilt-based.
SPEAKER_04:I love that so much because I think even if it's a spouse or even a close mentor or a close friend that you feel like can have honest conversations with, you know, we had to have a lot of that. My husband had a lot of hand-me-downs growing up. He didn't have a lot. I was kind of the opposite. My parents kind of kept up with the Joneses and bought us everything, bought us a lot that we were told no, but you know, it didn't always do the right thing financially, I think. And so for me, it was the conversation of when we went to buy my son's soccer cleats, my husband's like, they can't be used. I'm like, he doesn't know any different. And so, and I said, and it's like a$50 for a brand new cleats for him that he's only gonna wear one season. And so we finally got on the okay, he can do it. And I said, now when he's older in high school, you want to buy him a nice pair, then great. Like, but also I think it's important for them to see that it's okay for secondhand stuff. And then when they're done, we donate to people who need. And so that's the conversation we always have. But that was a place where we had to talk about where his came from because it really was his own upbringing, and not that his that our kids would go without, like that's still named brand, but it's okay that it's secondhand, you know?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. I think that's important to realize we all bring our own issues in parenting. And again, sometimes you and your your spouse or the child's parent, other parents see it very differently, and you have to have those conversations.
SPEAKER_01:All right, let's now move on to the treasure box style of parenting. The parent who distracts or soothes their child with prizes, treats, and screens instead of teaching them limits. How does this style look and what are some common behaviors that could come out of this parenting style trap?
SPEAKER_04:You know, we call this the dangling carrot out here, which means that we are basically dangling a carrot to get them, okay. If you do this, then this is your reward, right? Instead of having it intrinsically in them that they want to do the right thing. And so I think that's kind of what this looks like to me, is that y'all are constantly dangling different carrots at them to get them to comply, but then there's no thing inside of them telling them to do the right thing.
SPEAKER_03:It's very much about external control of the child rather than helping that child to develop some internal capacity.
SPEAKER_01:So, what can parents do differently to get out of this trap?
SPEAKER_04:Well, I think just like what we already talked, if I guess if it's screens, having a structure around them. So my kids typically know, especially on Saturdays, like they're gonna get some screen time in the morning, they might get some in the evening before, like before we do bedtime routine. And so that's kind of what our structure looks like, but putting structures in place for that. I have never really been a big fan of giving food as a reward just because I think that that can be very tricky and and it can also kind of set our brain to think that that's that it's always a reward instead of just having it when it feels nice to have a treat with like a cup of ice cream with a friend or a coke, you know? And so in prizes, you know, I think it's always one of those things. Like my son asked me this Saturday, can we go pick a toy today? And at first I was gonna say no. I said, Let me think about it. And I kept thinking all day, like, what in me says he can't today? Like, why can't I just take him? I'm off, we don't have anything going on, he can pick one thing out. And he ended up picking a sensory box, which he played with all day. And I was like, if you're gonna pick something, at least it's like something. So I think, you know, I think doing it in special times, and so not necessarily putting it with the limits, so start looking. At how you can give the items without that.
SPEAKER_03:You know, I will say that there were times that I offered the purchase of a Barbie in exchange for getting your vaccinations. Right. So I mean, you know, like we've all done things like that. But again, when you when you give a reward or a prize every single time, you're gonna develop kids who will only comply with your request in return for a prize or a reward, right? It's very transactional. And there are times that we want our kids to take care of responsibilities, like go do your chores, go feed the dog. And there is no prize for that. Right, right. That is a responsibility that's been assigned to you as a member of this family. And each one of us have responsibilities that we take care of because we're members of this family, not because we're gonna get a prize or a treat.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, my husband and I have real this has been a hot topic with us lately. We're trying to figure out at what point do we do an allowance, do we not, because we feel like it, we want them to just do all the right thing. Like right now, they have to currently clean their room and make their bed and help with our chickens. And so I am struggling because I'm like, I don't know, all those feels like things you should do just to do the right thing in our household. And so yeah, it's been a hot topic of when we start doing an allowance, do we do an allowance? So I think you know, it's it's a balance of trying to figure out when and you do you always do what you think is best.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I mean, also you gotta consider the why. We we talk about that all the time. Why why am I doing that? Yeah, what what creates that? I remember sometimes, hey, if you're quiet at church, you know, if you behave at church or if you do good here and you be quiet in the store, like you know, you hey, there's something for me at the end. You know, the problem is oftentimes, especially small children, they can't they can't do that.
SPEAKER_05:Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_00:They don't, I mean, they you gotta be a bit older to to do that. And if it doesn't work out, then you just got a mad kid because then in their mind they might have done a good job and they did and then you don't think they did. So it creates this extra conflict that doesn't need to happen. I mean, it's it's it's just it's gonna create no no intrinsic reason to do anything. You almost become their employer. Yeah, yeah. All right, I'm gonna pay you to do this. You know, I tried implementing like a little pay system in my house to get kids to my kids to do chores. It didn't work. I mean, then I didn't even take not one opportunity to go make a book to go put this over here. Like that's gonna buy me everything anyway, right? And so I can I guess I was a little bit like that growing up. I didn't know I I was helping raise other kids. So, like I said, the guilt of raising other kids, and I can get all those kids to do all their stuff. And my own two kids, I couldn't get them to come to clean their darn rooms, you know. You know, dad's had it, you know, now we're cleaning our rooms. But yeah, transactional stuff doesn't really work out for me.
SPEAKER_01:I think one thing to acknowledge in all of these that if you do them every once in a while, I don't think that's harmful or anything to be uh worried about. It's when it's a pattern of behavior that it's what's your go-to for every time a kid needs something is is what we're we're talking about.
SPEAKER_04:Oh yeah, I had some stuff I was like, oh, I've done each of these several times.
SPEAKER_01:So all right, now let's look at the couch cushion parenting. Extremely laid back, hands off, just kind of hope the kids figure it out on their own. How would this style of behavior look? And what are some common behaviors that could come from that?
SPEAKER_03:I I definitely think kids will figure it out on their own, but it may not be what you want them to figure out. At some point, the older kids get they're going to take most of their information from their peers. Yeah. And quite frequently that is misinformation, right? Like if you're, you know, if you're rel letting your kids rely on on peers to learn about relationships or healthy sexual boundaries, then your kids are probably not gonna learn the information that you you want them to learn, right? You don't want your kids to be parented by other kids who have not fully developed cortexes, right? You you want your children to have good information that aligns with your values and the things that are important to your family. And again, your kids will learn, but you you may not be very pleased with the teachers that they choose.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, there also might be other adults that might be willing to fill that role. I mean, positive or negative, right? I mean, I do think you know they they might find a different role model then or somebody else to latch on to. Good or bad, right? I mean, I think a lot of a lot of adults are well-intentioned, however, their values might not match your values or you know, their way of thinking might not match your way of thinking. And if you don't pour into your kids, somebody else may be willing to. And you know, you got to think about the adult child connection, right? Everybody, the kids always want connection, whether you think they do or not, right? Whether they're teenagers, especially teenagers. I think some people think my teen doesn't want me around. And that is not true. It is not true. And so they will, especially at that age, they will go find mentors, and if you're not willing to do it, they'll find somebody to fill the role. Like I said, good or bad. Uh sometimes it's very positive. Coaches, you know, other teachers, things like that, and it comes out, it turns out okay. You might feel a way as a as a parent about that, especially if it doesn't match your values or style.
SPEAKER_03:I always felt like it was important for my daughters to have other positive female role models that they had a connection with and a relationship with. And so I curated those people, right? Some of them were women I went to church with, it was my sister, it was friends I had at work. But I kind of created intentional opportunities for them to interact and develop relationships so that my daughter, if one of my daughters ever ran into a problem they didn't feel comfortable talking to me about, they were likely to go to one of these other mentors. And I felt a hundred percent confident in the advice that would have been given by one of those other mentors, right? But I would not have been comfortable with them choosing their own adults. I mean, I think they probably would have done well, right? But you know, I know that that community is important. Yeah. And so I purposefully created that. I I don't have the calmness to be a couch cushion parenting. I'm way too much on the other end of control for this to have worked for me.
SPEAKER_04:Well, and I think too, they always look up to you, right? So like I think about simple things like yesterday I was working on some work and I wasn't thinking at the time. Like I had gone to my room, Austin was watching a soccer game, and I was like, I had my computer out, my tat, and then my notepad, and I'm working on timesheets of all things. I'm doing timesheet. And then my daughter comes in and she says, Hey mom, I'll be right back. And she comes and she gets her play laptop and she gets her notebook and she's sitting on the bed with me. And I kept thinking, and but I look up and I'm like, Oh, you're mimicking me. But like I didn't even get it because for me, my kids always want to be kind of around where I'm at. And so I didn't really pay attention because I was so focused. But I think that's something to play off of here is that they're going to watch you and want to be with you regardless. So might as well join in. And and the thing I pay attention to on this one is both my kids filled out little four sheets from Mother's Day. The number one thing they said that I love to do with my mom is play. So, like both of them say, if I can do anything with mom, it's to play. And so they want to be around us, like what Sam is saying.
SPEAKER_03:I think too that at some point, if this is your parenting style, you're gonna regret the time you miss spending time with your kids. As long as the days seem during those infant and toddler years, you know, all too soon kids are in middle school and high school where they seem to want to spend more time with their peers than you. They grow up and they move away. And so, you know, now is your time to establish that closeness and that relationship, and and you won't have that opportunity later.
SPEAKER_01:Here's a real fun one the royalty parenting. Children are treated like kings and queens, never told no. So, how would you describe this style of parenting and what are some common behaviors that could result as from that?
SPEAKER_03:I definitely think this is a style that leads to entitlement, right? And where kids think that they're in charge. This might also be called like the Disney style of parenting. We talked before the par the podcast about some of the Disney shows you watch. The par the kids are in charge, right? It's made out to look like the children have more intelligence and they are better decision makers than the adult, and that the adults are kind of bumbling fools, in particular the fathers. But that's just not real life.
SPEAKER_00:I wouldn't have any idea what this is because that's very far from my wife and I style. Yeah. I don't know. It's just so it's weird. It's very much in line with the permissive parenting. And I think it's nearly the same advice, but that that's gonna be one heck of a reality check for a child. Like I said, I think going to school is a major milestone for kids. And that's if if you didn't prepare them, that's when it's gonna hit right there. Wait, because their peers are gonna feel away. I can imagine, I just can't you can just you can imagine it.
SPEAKER_04:Well, in reality check, because like we all have different strengths, right? So once they start getting around the peers, there might be like some areas that they are really good at. But if you as a parent have only told them they're great at everything, once they start being around peers, they're gonna realize there are peers that are better at puzzles than you or better at math than you. And so really you can't be the best at everything, which you shouldn't be. You really should learn from each other and grow. And so this could be a really hard thing for them to grasp if they haven't been told no.
SPEAKER_03:I I have seen this type of parenting typically, but not always, right? But with with only children, it it is easier to think you have one perfect child. I have seen it in children who have been adopted and a parent, you know, feels sorry for that child, or actually any parent who who feels for some reason they need to feel sorry for their children. Maybe they have a disability or a a long-term medical problem, or maybe there's been a death of another parent. But parenting out of feeling sorry for a child, again, you're parenting out of your emotions, and it rarely leads to good parenting decisions. It rarely provides the capacity that your child is gonna need to go to school, to get along with peers, to get along with teachers, to apply for a job someday, just to function in our culture.
SPEAKER_04:Well, and I think even for other adults to like, I mean, I've had a kid tell my son before, like, you're not gonna win. I win everything. And I literally, which I didn't do, my husband did it. He said, You go show him who's boss, and he or someone. But I'm just saying, because it infuriated me even as a parent or as another adult, because like, and that child was an only child. And so I think he was basically told near like, and so it was hard because like my son doesn't have a tendency to lie on that. And so then when it does, you're like, even another adult, I was like, Oh, I don't know how I feel about that kid, right? Like, so I think it causes other adult and peer conflict. Yeah, I think so.
SPEAKER_01:I have several friends and family members who are teachers, and a lot of them are leaving teachings because of this type of kid that they're very, very difficult to control in the classroom, and anytime they have feedback that they send to the parents, that the parents will jump on the teacher and criticize the teacher instead. So it's very difficult for them to manage them in the classroom.
SPEAKER_04:You know, I've seen that even just being a parent, like I've seen other parents respond to teachers that way and it's blown my mind. Or even if there is a peer conflict, how the parent is always thinking their kid is always in the right instead of necessarily saying, hey, this is where my son could have changed it. Or so I do think that's very true nowadays.
SPEAKER_01:So I think this one has also grown over the last several years. It's the gamer parenting. The parent checks out to play video games, just leaving the kids unsupervised. How would you describe this style of parenting and what are some common behaviors that could result from that?
SPEAKER_03:You know, you see this a lot when you're at the mall and there's that play area for kids, and the kids are kind of going berserk in the play area, and every parent is staring at their phone. Not necessarily on a game, but they're checking social media. You know, they're and it may be that they just need a mental break in that moment, a little bit of distraction, but wow, you you see it a lot. And I think it it is very similar to the one we just talked about where kids are being parented by kids or they're interacting with kids instead of having interactions from adults. Any of you who have small children have been in a situation where that parent said, mommy or daddy, watch me, watch me, watch me, you know, over and over and over again. And they they like Chloe said, they seek your input. Yeah, they want your attention. And when you don't provide it, they're gonna get it from somebody else, as Sam said, positive or negative.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, it's a very lonely place for kids when this style is implemented. I think there's gaming culture is is big now, it's exploded over the last uh years. I I grew up gaming as a kid and I think, but I also played outside, and then you know it's it's so it's changed so much and it's it's in it's in all parts of life now. You know, like you said, on your phones, everywhere costs money. It some of those games also suck money to get to play a lot, and then there's you know, they but the kids are pretty much left alone. And what you'll probably see is is kids doing the same thing, right? Because well, it's okay for me, it's okay for them. And well, I think there's so much research, more research now than when I was a young parent about the effects of just nothing but screen time and and how that affects the brain and connections and all that stuff. So in fact, you know, it's probably one of my biggest regrets is that I uh I I allowed a lot of games in my house. I think it I didn't know, right? You just don't, you don't know. And you don't know, you don't know. Hey, they're fine, they're having fun, they're talking to their buddies online. Now I did vet that stuff. Like, hey, you can't be giving numbers. You know, but it is a it is pretty lonely. I think you know, you you look back and you're like, hey, what happened? Like what what happened? Where where's all those connections and those memories? Because at some point you get old, you get older and you start thinking back, like, whoa, what where's all the pictures? Where's all the the stuff, you know? So I actually had a a lot to say about this one because of that. I think my personal personal failures, I think, uh as a as a parent, you know, I think it creates a whole lot of um guilt for a parent too, you know.
SPEAKER_01:Well, this one's so hard because I think it popped out of nowhere so fast and it was something that we wouldn't we just didn't understand or know how to how to deal with, and it wasn't a reality when we were kids, the how big and immersed it is into all lifestyles.
SPEAKER_04:So I think it's so easy to do. So here hear me same. I don't game, but my husband does. And so it's the conversation between us of can you do that when me and the kids aren't home or when they go to bed. And so that's kind of our parameters. I think sometimes on Saturdays he does it a little bit when they are home, but for the most part, I we have talked about putting parameters about when he needs when he does it. Cause he is a firefighter. So his schedule, like today, he's home all day without me and the kids. So great, you game now, right? Like, and then when it's time for us to come home, that's family time, right? So that they don't necessarily, but it is hard for me in elements because I don't really understand that. I feel like to me, which I guess he sees my working out this way, I don't. I think that's really good for mental health. But I think it's a waste of time. And so I struggle with why do you want to just do that all day, right? And so it is his, but it is a connection and a like dissociation. So I know that piece, but it's difficult for me because I feel like it's wasteful. And so I'm trying to put my head around that. I, you know, recently my son played tried video games here at work, not at home, because we don't have any at home that he can play. Because my husband plays his PS5, and and so that's but he recently learned Mario Kart, which and so he has begged us like, when can we get Mario Kart at home? And we're like, Daddy and I are not ready for you to have a system at home. And so when you come and it's a dipped day that you have time, great. But you know, that's like once a week when we're out at ranch, but it's not at home. But some of his buddies already have it, and so it is a constant battle, I think, that we as parents and kids are going to navigate the world now.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I have to you have to be aware too that like it activates a reward center in your brain, right? And and for a lot of people who play, it's a regulation tool. Yeah. And so those things are not necessarily in and of themselves bad, but they have a time and a place, right? Like just like Austin's put a boundary around when he plays so that he's not missing out on family time. I think that's important so that if you're a parent and you find that you are checking out to play games or to distract yourself or that it's rewarding to your brain, you have to look at that and say, is it at the detriment of time with my family? You know, and start to put some boundaries around that.
SPEAKER_04:And I think what's important too, what Sam said is that then it becomes like it's it just shifts to what the kid uses, right? Yeah. So it can be a regulation tool, but it can also be a dysregulation tool. My my husband's sister called me one day and said, I need advice from you with all the stuff you see. And so I'm like, okay, what's going on? And she said, Well, one of my nephews, he got super upset at 14 and he has his own game system and TV in his room, and he threw the game system at the TV because he lost and broke the TV. And she said, So what do I do? He wants a new one. I said, You don't give him a new one and you also remove the gaming system from his room. I do not think that she took my advice on that, I will say, but that was the advice I had for her is maybe he is not capable of dealing with that, especially unsupervised, right? And so I think that you just have to be aware of it and make sure that you have conversations as a parent, but also once they start developing gaming because they do what we do, and so there might need to be parameters once gaming is put in the kid's life too.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and I think I don't know if you've asked the question, Josh, but we always talk, we've been talking about falling to the trap, how do you get out, right? One of the things is there's there's casual gaming and there's gaming gaming, right? And and the gaming gaming, or I don't actually know what the words are, but it it can be uh almost an addiction, even right. And so that that's gonna create a whole lot of problems. What do you do? I think there's there if you know if you recognize you have a problem, if you if you recognize the loneliness in the family or the quiet in the house, it it might be time to seek some professional help because it it really is mind-bending. I they they really do research on how to get you hooked to these things, yeah, especially the mobile games on your phone. They're they're built to keep coming back. You'll see the little energy systems. I'm very versed in these things. Yeah, they they're built. Hey, I'm out of energy, I gotta come back and check in two hours. I gotta come back and check. And then and then you'll notice there's a social media link so you can link your friends into it. And they went, hey, we can play together, but you're not really, you know what I mean? And it's just a new way to get somebody else involved, and you know, kids talk about it. I remember trading games in in school, even like we'd we'd go trade video games and stuff. And I think even back then it wasn't as bad because I think it wasn't as connected as it is today because they're making friends online and all that stuff, but it it's it really is intentionally built to suck you in. And so because of that, they're professionals trying to get your attention and your money and your time. You need professionals to help you get that back at times if you feel there's a there's a problem. I do think that's the best advice. So you won't get those years back that you lose.
SPEAKER_01:All right. This last one I think has been around actually for a long time: the pool drop parent, where it drops the kid off at the pool or the mall and just kind of lets them off on their own for the entire day to take care of themselves. What does this look like and what are some common behaviors that could come from this style of parenting?
SPEAKER_04:I am only laughing because I feel like this happens to me a lot where like other people drop the kids off and then I get like seven kids. And I don't know why that is, but I both times when I lived on campus and living off campus, I have neighborhood kids that like gravitate to my house and somehow I have eight kids. I mean, I think it looks like thinking they'll fend for themselves, they can handle themselves. I think you see it a little better now just because of how much crime, but I think it still happens some. But I think really I think it's the parents wanting a break, and so that's really what's happening. And they're just like, oh, let them be free for a little bit, is my perception.
SPEAKER_03:Typical kids get to be away from their parents sometimes. Yeah. Right. Like, you know, if they've shown that they're responsible and that they're developmentally able to handle the situation, it's okay for them to be away. But you have to gauge that. Are we talking about a five-year-old dropped off at the pool and we're entrusting their care to a lifeguard who may or may not be observant or a 12-year-old or a 15-year-old, right? I mean, it it depends on what's what's the age of the child and is that is that appropriate. Also, Sam mentioned this earlier, but you know, there are situations where you want to vet that other adult in charge. Right. So, Chloe, you've been vetted by all these parents who, you know, they know you're a pref, you know, you're a professional in the in the world of child care and they know you personally and they trust that their kids are well looked after with you. But you know, the the alternative to that is you're you're just dropping your kid off with anybody. That that to me is scary. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I I I uh I think this was kind of a thing when I was growing up, you know, we could go to the pool and all that. And uh so I still I wouldn't do it. Like I I'm not built that way. I'm I'm very uh safety conscious person. Everybody that knows me knows. Um I'm always prepared for stuff, and I cannot, I cannot trust other people to with my children. I I just won't. Plus, you know, in our last two years, we took a bunch of kids to this to a to a pool where it's like a big play area, and you can tell which kids are unsupervised. And you know, we took obviously kids in care there, and so we're all watching our kids, and then they're interacting with these other kids who completely have no supervision. Oh, I should probably one of the things as a parent is you don't know what they're doing and who they're interacting with, or stop a big fight from happening. And these unsupervised children were just coming to the fence line and antagonizing our kids, and they all want to band together, and so like the adults have to come in and so I'm I'm trying to have this mediation with with almost a rival gang over here, you know, and and just trying to diffuse a situation when we got to do our part as parents, and and you don't know what your kids are doing out there if you're not watching. I do think there's a level of hey, I can trust my kid to go to the mall and go down to go get, you know, have a plan, have a time, but this thing says for a long time, I'm not sure that's smart.
SPEAKER_03:We've all been at the mall and seen these roaming groups of kids, yeah. Frequently middle schoolers, right? Yeah, yeah. You know, quite frequently their their behavior's a little questionable. And some of that is because they get in groupthink. Yeah. Right. So you've probably heard of that team term before, and it just means that in a group, we tend to become followers and we sometimes tend to engage in behavior we wouldn't otherwise engage in. And so you've let your child go be with a with a group of kids where nobody's in charge except a kid who is primarily operating out of their emotional brain at that moment. So are they gonna be inappropriate towards the opposite sex, or is somebody gonna suggest let shoplift? Or, you know, I mean, things like that have happened where they knock down an elderly person. Kids in groups do things that kids individually would never do on their own. I agree with that.
SPEAKER_01:So, what role does awareness of your parenting style play into breaking out of these different types of traps?
SPEAKER_04:Well, I think when you're aware, then you can make changes, right? And so sometimes it's even about not being afraid to ask people close to you their feedback about like, hey, what do you think my strengths are? What do you think I, you know, my weaknesses are? Like I said, I do that a lot with my spouse. You know, not everybody isn't has a spouse. And so it can be that you're co-parenting or it can be that you're a single mom. And so I think asking people who you think are close to you. I also think, you know, putting people in their life that are different is also really beneficial, not even so much as the awareness piece, but of allowing them to have other people and role models to like lean up that you know are good setting examples, right? If they don't have a male role model to look up to, then maybe kind of trying to find someone. I know we've talked about that in other podcasts. My son really loves to be goofy. I wouldn't necessarily say that me or either me or my husband are that way. My husband is sarcastic, drives me crazy. But my son is too young to pick up on some of that. And so we have a really close friend that's really goofy. And so when he's around him, he loves to like enjoy that piece of him.
SPEAKER_00:Awareness is probably the biggest thing because uh if you're not aware, you just keep going. You keep just doing what you were doing. And if you follow the tips or or find that find a um clue or get an idea that something's wrong, you're gonna know it. Listen to your instincts, right? Something's hey, something doesn't feel right. And that's the first step into uh getting out of the traps. And I do think a little bit like I think somebody said this earlier too. Well, I mean, I'm a blend of a lot of these things too. I've done all these things one way or the other. I'm not saying that I'm just one of those things. In fact, my my wife and I have gotten, we talked about it the other day, we got into arguments over our differences and thinking, um, is this okay? Is this not okay? And that's okay. You know, she won that fight. And, you know, I think about it today, and I thought, hey, because she won that fight, you know, my daughter is better off today. I think uh, you know, and there's some wisdom in everybody. And and Chloe said earlier, hey, seek, seek uh, seek advice from others, from other people who have lived it, who are doing it. Remember a long time ago, I I think I said this in one podcast before, I told Josh some advice just because I felt like it. Hey, Josh, never do this, right? Never never do this.
SPEAKER_01:And it was great advice, actually.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and because I'm learning from my mistakes, right? And I can't go redo it. Here's the cool part about it. And this is this is what this is what I was thinking, and I'm so uh I'm so motivated right now about it because I think if you realize it, you can change it. And I think you you always can un undo stuff. You know, you can say, hey, I I want to take a different path or I want to try something new, try it different. You know, listening to this podcast, right? Number one, there's so many things you can learn about everything. We want you not to feel guilty about these things, and we want you not to feel judged about it. We want you to feel like, hey, you know, knowing now is always an opportunity to change, or if you're listening to this and you don't have kids anymore, you can also tell other people, hey, I heard this. I I think you might try XYZ. Because you know, one of the things I I know about parents, especially today, they're always asking questions. Everybody wants to do it right. And I don't think anybody ever does 100% everything right. This it's impossible. It's an impossible task. I mean, I I still haven't found the manual to parenting. I I don't know where it is. Uh uh, nobody gave it to me and we just figured it out, you know. I that's what I wanted to say. I want to encourage you you guys out there to to to just learn something and and know that hey, I can do something different today and I can still do I can still do great.
SPEAKER_03:And and luckily our parent, our children tend to survive our parenting. Yeah, we are yeah. I mean none of us, Sam and I both have grown children, right? We would neither say we made every decision correctly, that we never fell into one of these traps, but our children manage to survive and and I think they understand we did our best. They do, right? That's our goal, is that we're each trying to do our best for our children.
SPEAKER_01:I'd say also don't be offended if you get advice from other people. Sometimes it kind of stings a little bit when you realize you've stepped into these different traps and having people give you some well-intentioned advice, do listen to it. Also, be prepared when you start to make changes. Your kids are not going to like those changes initially. Yeah. And there may be some escalation in behavior as you're trying to make these changes to help. And if you stick with it and kind of get through it, it'll be better on the other side. But do be prepared that it is going to get worse before it gets better sometimes. All right. Thank you so much for listening to us today. If you like the show, please tell a friend, a family member, feel free to nag them until they cave, bribe them till they listen, treat them with other fun prizes. This is the time that that's okay to do that. As always, you might have to loan out your funnel lobes today. Just remember and make sure and get them back.
SPEAKER_02:Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about CalFarley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarly.org. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.
