Brain Based Parenting
Brain Based Parenting, The Boys Ranch Podcast for families.
We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley’s Boys Ranch has to offer.
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podcasts@calfarley.org
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For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
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Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
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Brain Based Parenting
Parent Traps- From Control to Connection: Rethinking “Because I Said So”
Ever feel the pull toward “because I said so” when everything is spinning? We take a hard, honest look at authoritarian parenting traps—how they work, why they’re tempting, and what they cost. We unpack the drill sergeant mindset, Sunday Best performance, image-first “ice sculpture” homes, coach-style lecturing, goal-line outcomes, trophy pressure in youth sports, lockdown limits, and ruler-only households that confuse fear with respect.
We draw a sharp line between structure and control: structure creates safety through clear boundaries, reasons, and predictability; authoritarian control chases quick compliance but undermines trust, self-confidence, and emotional growth. You’ll hear practical strategies you can use today—explaining the why behind rules, shifting from compliance to cooperation, giving graded freedoms to build trust, and responding to mistakes with repair and learning instead of shame. We also dig into the role of social media and comparison, the hidden costs of outcome-only parenting, and how to nurture emotional intelligence so kids can navigate gray areas, conflict, and independence.
Healthy authority sits at the intersection of relationship and rules. We show how to invite input without surrendering leadership, set expectations that fit your child, and evolve freedom as they demonstrate responsibility. If you’ve felt convicted by a sideline lecture, a results-first mindset, or the urge to lock everything down, this conversation offers a map back to connection—where character outlasts trophies, and cooperation outperforms control.
If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs the encouragement, and leave a review to help more families find Brain-Based Parenting.
Contact:
podcasts@calfarley.org
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Cal Farley Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
SPEAKER_03:Welcome back. Today we're going to continue our discussion on parent traps, focusing on authoritarian parenting style.
SPEAKER_02:To do that today, I'm again joined by Suzanne Wright, Vice President of Training and Intervention. Emily Tennyson, Clinical Intervention Specialist.
SPEAKER_04:Sam Cerna, Assistant Administrator of Residential Communities.
SPEAKER_03:All right, so let's start off with our question of the day. So what's something that your parents let you do that you would not allow kids to do today?
SPEAKER_02:I think my parents let me roam all over the community without any knowledge about where I was. You know, I didn't have a cell phone and there was no way to keep track of me. And and I was probably with another group of kids, but you know, we just don't really let our kids do things like that today. And so part of that was not as much a difference in parenting as a difference in 30 years' time.
SPEAKER_03:My girls on their phones have app that tracks like where they are, so I know where they are 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:My parents never knew where I was. No.
SPEAKER_00:I have thought long and hard about this question, and I don't know what to say. My parents had a very structured, possibly strict household when it came to rules. I don't know what I would let my kids do that I was allowed to do. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:I think I'm aligned with Suzanne. I think that's probably the biggest thing that I got to do that maybe I didn't let my kids do. Part of it's because where they grew up. But I had to just kind of go, I had boundaries, but I could kind of go around and be gone most of the day. As long as I'm within a whistle of my my mom whistles, we had to be able we had to be able to hear and come back.
SPEAKER_03:Mine was helmets. I never wore a helmet ever. Never even thought about it. Like my girls, I'm as discussed on earlier podcasts, I'm the helicopter parent. And yeah, they had to wear helmets, elbow guards. I think one time I even wrapped them in a with a couple pillows when they're learning how to roller skate. Yeah, that's that that'd be mine.
SPEAKER_02:Wow. In 20 years, we're gonna get your girls in here when their parents were gonna interview them.
SPEAKER_04:You know what I got to do though? I did get to stand up in the middle of a single cab truck with no seatbelt on and all that. Oh yeah. That was a different time. I didn't I'm dating us, uh Josh. No, that was the best. That was way fun.
SPEAKER_03:I would not allow my kids to do that. No. All right, so we're gonna be talking about authoritarian parenting traps today. So when you hear the term authoritarian parenting, what comes to mind?
SPEAKER_02:Control, strictness, rigid rules, no room for negotiation.
SPEAKER_00:It's my way or the highway.
SPEAKER_04:It's uh not a democracy.
SPEAKER_03:Not a democracy. Yep. You say jump and your kid says how high, right? You think authoritarian parenting was more common in the past generations than it is today?
SPEAKER_02:I d I do think that. I I think when you look at, you know, generational differences and you think about the greatest generation, that is definitely where the father was the head of the household and what he said went. And there wasn't, you know, children wouldn't have been defiant or talked back or questioned that father's authority. And I think things have definitely evolved and changed, some better, some worse over the years.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, I could see the differences between like my great my great-grandparents, my grandparents, and then my mom had a bit different view. In fact, I think she told us at one point where she said, Hey, we were we were everybody was so strict. I'm trying to give you guys a little bit more rope. And even then I felt like we were pretty structured home, but she also wasn't they had a lot of rituals who were here from a Hispanic culture, a lot of rituals, and my mom was kinda a little bit more liberal about some of those things, but it wasn't too liberal. But it was way different than what I could see with my grandparents.
SPEAKER_02:I think anytime we're negative about the younger generation, we have to remember who raised them. Right? And and and that we all raise our own kids in response or reaction to the way that we were raised. So it all plays a part.
SPEAKER_03:So is there a difference or how is being structured or firm different than being authoritarian?
SPEAKER_00:I think being structured, you have created safety through boundaries and predictability, whereas being firm and from an authoritarian standpoint is harshness or compliance. Removes that relational piece.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I think there's a big difference between compliance and cooperation. You can have pretty good strict firm structured routine and talk about it and explain what why the reasons are and all that, and you get cooperation. But if you just tell someone you have to do it because they have to do it, that doesn't typically go very well.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, because I said to.
SPEAKER_03:Because I said so. Yeah. Um so how do kids typically respond to overly strict environments?
SPEAKER_02:I think in not in every situation, but in many situations it leads to rebellion or sneakiness.
SPEAKER_00:Or I was thinking while some become sneaky, others become passive.
SPEAKER_04:Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think it well, you're talking about response, but I do think that maybe there's uh like she said, passive passiveness. I mean, or passive compliance or along with the sneakiness, you're good in some situations and you can be sneaky in other situations. Well, also I think it it affects self-confidence in children because you know you're just being told what to do all the time. And so you don't well, you don't have to think for yourself, so you don't think for yourself.
SPEAKER_03:I remember when I graduated from high school, a lot of my friends who were in very, very strict homes, authoritarian home homes, when they went to college, they went crazy because there wasn't anyone to keep them under control anymore. And they really, really struggled not having that person with their thumb on them all the time.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, we talked about this in the last podcast, you know, the difference between helping a child develop internal self-control or being externally controlled by the parent. And if you're thinking in terms of, you know, parenting for the long game, preparing your child to live independently outside of your supervision, then you want them to develop their own internal self-control. But in a in a very strict authoritarian environment, it is all about the external control. You're you will obey me because I say you will. And the kids never have that opportunity to fall and make a mistake and learn from that mistake or to develop that internal self-control.
SPEAKER_03:All right, let's start talking about our authoritarian parent traps. The first one I want to talk about is the drill sergeant trap. Commands are issued, compliance is expected, and there's very little room for discussion, negotiation, or empathy. Kids may behave, but it's often out of fear or conditioning. So, how do how would you describe this style of parenting? What does it look like?
SPEAKER_02:I think that title says it all, it's the drill sergeant. Right? When when young adults are in military boot camp, they are expected to give immediate compliance to whatever issue was just ordered, and there's no questioning, there is no discussion. And and I do think there are parents that try to run their home in the same way.
SPEAKER_00:Parents are more like a boss rather than a nurturer.
SPEAKER_03:So, what might be some common behaviors that would come from this style of parenting?
SPEAKER_00:Fear-based compliance would be one.
SPEAKER_04:Also the opposite of rebellion. And we talked about that. I mean, some some not everybody's built the same, and they I especially once they get older and they a little bit more capable and a little bit more physical, if they're not afraid of you of treat you the same, it's possible.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, most of us are surprised when our kids outgrow us. I think also for the parenting, for the parent, this is exhausting. Oh, I would think right. It's exhausting to to have to be in control of all things at all times. It's it's a lot.
SPEAKER_03:I wonder if some people parents do this because of the short-term reward of it. That it in the in the moment it's a lot easier to keep your thumb on the kid. But I think you're right, Suzanne. In the long term, you gotta keep your thumb on them all the time. Yeah. Because what happens if you take your thumb off?
SPEAKER_04:And you also gotta consider, you know, what they learned and why they're doing this. And you know, we talked about it in the last podcast. This also can work here, is that the sometimes society is expecting a certain behavior out of kid where you're this or that, where you're at a certain place. So this is how you control it, right? You control you control the kid, therefore you hopefully control their behavior. And so sometimes it also is just maybe out of the parents' necessity or lack of skill or just don't don't know. Also, they could have been parented that way.
SPEAKER_02:I can remember growing up, we sat, you know, in the same pew every Sunday, but we sat behind a family of four little boys who sat motionless, facing towards the front of the church, perfectly all church. And it and I don't know what they did. You know, I don't know if their children were just naturally calm, you know, but they were so quote unquote well-behaved. And then I had a little brother who was like a squirmer and you know, he didn't make a sound or he talked. And I think that my parents felt a lot of pressure in comparison to these still well-behaved children in front of us, you know, and I think that that is that is probably even more magnified today with social media is that we're in a position constantly of comparison. We compare our parenting styles to the parenting styles of others. We compare, you know, the way our children behave to the way other kids behave. And I do think for a lot of parents, they they want to go out and for publicly their children to behave well because it's a personal reflection on them. In all honesty, that's almost an impossible standard for most of us, for most kids.
SPEAKER_03:Which really leads to the next trap, the Sunday Best trap.
SPEAKER_02:There it is.
SPEAKER_03:Family emphasizes religious behavior and outward morality, how they dress, how they talk, how they act at church, while neglecting grace, connection, or any authentic spiritual growth. Kids may learn to perform spiritually without actually developing a relationship with Christ personally. So, how does this parenting trap look?
SPEAKER_02:Well, I think this is a trap that a lot of people fall into, not just as parents, but I think, you know, just a lot of people put their best foot forward and, you know, may attend church on a Sunday morning and maybe even Wednesday night, but but it doesn't permeate their lives. And so if that's how we are as adults, then that's really all we have to impart to our kids. I think you're gonna you're gonna see that the children have that same depth or shallowness of faith that that their parents do.
SPEAKER_03:So what might be some common behaviors that would result from this style of parenting?
SPEAKER_00:Spiritual performance or a lot of shame when struggling. Because you're not looking apart necessarily.
SPEAKER_03:I think during times of struggle and hardship, this would be a very difficult time for kids and families who have this style that they wouldn't have any of the the depth that you talked about. It would be very shallow and probably maybe even fall away from their faith because of that.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, I've known adults who who just did like you said, didn't they didn't go to church anymore after they became adults for themselves because they felt maybe that God was a mean person or that maybe it was just false because we act this way at church, but we don't act this way at home and what I'm seeing isn't what I'm reading kind of thing. You know, I I didn't I don't know. I think every faith is different, and I'm not so I'm not gonna get into that. But and but I think uh it's well intentioned, right? And a lot of it's again for show for others, right? We're trying to hey, we gotta act right, we gotta do right. And I think there's some value to that. Oh, yeah. I remember, you know, somebody's gotta teach me how to act in in places, and I I think that's okay. It's just, you know, sometimes like I said, it just creates the opposite effect of what you want.
SPEAKER_02:I think sometimes, you know, as a parent, the hardest place to go and admit that you're struggling is to your church family. Right? Hope hopefully that's not the case, but I just think in in reality, that's sometimes a hard place to be real or to be vulnerable because you are you are afraid of judgment. And so hopefully, you know, as people in a church, we understand that that's where should people people should feel the safest, right? And the ability to ask for help or say I'm struggling or this happened in our family, right? But it it's hard.
SPEAKER_03:All right, let's move on to the ice sculpture trap. Everything looks perfect on the outside, but because parents prioritize the image of the family, the child, while emotional warmth or vulnerability is lacking, emotions are often hidden or even discouraged. So what would this parenting style look like?
SPEAKER_02:You know, my first thought is that like this is the Instagram style of parenting. You know, just because so many people put put a show on social media. And I always enjoy it when someone, when someone, especially who has a a sizable social media following, says, Hey, you know, here's what you saw in this Instagram post, and let me open the door to this bedroom where we shoved everything that was in the, you know, all the stuff that was in the living room. We shoved it in there and then we made this post that looks like our house is perfect, but it's not, right? But I think that again, it there's so much social pressure. And we've talked about social pressure on teenagers, but wow, it's it's hard on adults too. I personally feel like young mothers are under incredible pressure to always look perfect and always have a perfect home and their children are dressed perfectly. And I think that's that's just a lot. And you have this outer shell, but you may not have any substance inside.
SPEAKER_00:Instagram or social media in general creates this polished, poised idea of life when authentic life is actually messy.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah. And and if you know anybody very well, you see that they have messy parts of their life too. That's not usually what we post, but there's a lot of messy.
SPEAKER_03:So, what might be some common behaviors that kids may exhibit because of this style of parenting?
SPEAKER_00:My first thought is people pleasing.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. I wonder how much emotional warmth they're gonna have and how much relationship seeking they're gonna have because that's been ignored as well.
SPEAKER_00:Or even perfectionism, too. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:All right, here's a fun one the coach mom or coach dad trap. Parenting from the sidelines, but not really from the heart. Parent takes the role of performance coach or life strategist, a guide, direct, evaluate constantly. But they often miss opportunities to emotionally connect and just be with a child without an agenda. So, how would you describe this style of parenting?
SPEAKER_02:I think it's well intentioned, but again, you may miss some opportunities. You know, we say out here on our campus a lot that crisis is opportunity, right? And so we see a kid struggling, and that's an opportunity to have a conversation and lead them to some insight and maybe bring about change. But I I think that you can overdo that, right? If I look back at, you know, my parenting style, I definitely fall more into the traps we're discussing today than the ones that we shared last week. I felt like, you know, I never missed an opportunity to provide a lesson and maybe sometimes I should have let it go. I'm gonna encourage my daughters to listen into this session. No, you know that it that I felt responsible to make sure that there was always a lesson. And I think maybe sometimes I could have backed off and just asked more questions and lectured a little less.
SPEAKER_04:You want your kids to do well. You know, and I think that's that's the that's the point, right? And I could see myself doing some of this stuff. Like anybody who knows me said, Man, if people would just do what I say, their life would be great, right? Like I already told you what to do, what's hard? Why are you doing the opposite? You know, yeah. And I think it's because you know, some of it we have experience, and maybe we want to save them from the pain of that experience, not remembering that the pain of that experience is what gave me the lesson to start with. Yeah. And so maybe that maybe that's part of the you know why parents do this. Just want I want you to I want you to do well out of that, then I forget that I gotta give hugs and I gotta I gotta ask what's the driving behavior behind or or what are you thinking and getting their input and stuff. This is to me similar to the last one. I was I was almost gonna make an example about a coach, right? That's that's training this perfect athlete because maybe they were an athlete, right? So the same thing, right? Life life is a coach to us. I want to spare my kids lots of pain. Yeah, but that's the only way they're gonna get stronger is through that youth stress of of learning and and making their little mistakes.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, rarely do people learn from other people's mistakes, right? Occasionally, and we all want to give that advice and for somebody to learn because we did it the hard way, we're trying to help them out. It just really doesn't work that way in most situations.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, I even find myself doing that in leadership, right? I you know, I've done that job, right? And they they're telling me these problems, and I'm just like, well, you know, when I when I did this, this is what I used to do. You know what I mean? And I and I'm trying to get better about that because I just want to help. And so I I see that as similar to this, right? They're but they're not my employees, these kids, they're they're my kids, and we we gotta we gotta also give them a bunch of affection and and love.
SPEAKER_03:So it might be some common behaviors that would result from this style of parenting.
SPEAKER_02:I think sometimes it's real real easy for kids to tune us out when they feel like life is just a a lecture and to seek affection from someone else in their life, right? If if if we're that overbearing performance coach all the time and they tune us out, they may again, they may seek a positive or a negative relationship with a different adult to get that need met.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, that's where I was gonna go with this too, is I I think that when I am just a coach, right, and I leave my coach, I don't have to do the things my coach says. Right. And and I thought of what what I said earlier about sometimes I'll g I would give advice to my kids and they do the complete opposite or don't listen, right? Well, it's because maybe in the time I'm not in a place where maybe relationally they can trust what I'm gonna say, right? Because you know, you're you're always right, dad, or you're whatever, you know. And so I think when they connect with you and they trust you, then maybe they're more likely to to take some advice. Because I think there are very positive times to give advice, especially when they ask you for it. Maybe unsolicited advice isn't always the best, but I I did like that example, Suzanne.
SPEAKER_03:All right, here's another closely related one. The goal line parenting. The ends justify the method, the parents laser focused on results like college, scholarships, obedience, career, and success, relationships and emotional development will take a back seat to that finish line. So, how does this parenting style look in practice?
SPEAKER_00:Overall, it looks as if the parents are involved, but it becomes so outcome-focused, outcome-driven that similarly to the last trap, sometimes misses the mark.
SPEAKER_04:When I brought home a C in the sixth grade for the first time, I was hiding. I didn't know what to do with my first one. Everybody, you know, every everybody was expecting the straight A's, A's, B's, and uh, I didn't know what to do with my first C. And some of that is that. I mean, I think I'm I felt like I was letting the family down because of the high expectation that I had or that they had for me that maybe isn't always realistic.
SPEAKER_02:I I think you have you have to realize that every child is different, even within the same family, right? And so what's an appropriate goal for one child may not be an appropriate goal for another child. I think sometimes you also have to set, you know, a lot of parents want to live vicariously through their children and their children's accomplishments. And I think you have to set your own desires for that child aside and let them make some life choices on their own, good or bad. Again, sometimes kids are gonna fail. And what's our response to that, right? The the way we respond to that child and support them when they bring home that C can be way more important than the checkbox of achieving a certain goal. And and like Emily said earlier, it can lead to perfectionism or, you know, performance-based behavior. That relationship and emotional development, the importance of that can't be overlooked, right? Like we we talk a lot about in the work that we do. Of course, we're working with children and families around our campus, but we, it's imperative for our jobs that we have that emotional intelligence. And you can certainly tell when you interview potential staff if they have emotional intelligence or if that's been missing. And I think that that most industries, even those that are different from childcare, which is our industry, would tell you that a certain level of emotional intelligence is really important. That's how you learn how to get along with your coworkers, right? And how you learn to resolve a conflict with your boss. When those things haven't been nurtured and grown through that relationship with a parent and child, it's gonna hinder some of their performance later in life on the job.
SPEAKER_04:Some of the things I've seen too is uh when parents then don't realize their kids are all different individuals. Yeah. And then comparisons happen. So why can't you be like him? Or she brings home straight A's all the time, or you know, so these comparisons happen which create conflict within maybe even the sibling group or within the family unit, because every kid's not the same and they all have their different strengths. So my brothers have completely different personalities and strengths than I do. The fact that I was just gifted with a little more intelligent, that's not their fault. And you know, I would always hear that, right? I would always hear, well, Sammy brought home straight A. He said, My brother, Sammy said, you know, you know, if my brother ever hears this, he'll laugh about it because we talk about it all the time. Mom likes you more. And they're like, no, she likes you more. You know, so right, it creates this kind of subtle competition. Probably doesn't need to be there all the time.
SPEAKER_02:No, one of my children as a young adult was was kind of frustrating with, you know, frustrated in her college classes. And and she said, My friend and I were talking and so stressful. And I said, Tell me what what's so stressful. And she said, Well, you won't be happy if I don't go to college and finish a degree. And I said, Well, I'm sorry that I gave you that impression. Like, let me tell you that in the big scheme of things, I don't care. That was my pathway. That's what I felt like I needed to do to accomplish the goal that, you know, that I was interested in. I said, but I could care less if you go to college or not. What you know, what I want for you is to be happy. I want you to be a Christian and be kind to other people. And I want you to have a job that allows you to support yourself without having to rely on another person. I don't want you to have two or three jobs, or I don't want you to have to feel like you get have to get married in order to support. I want you to be self-sufficient. But beyond that, there are so many pathways to do that. I don't care. And I hope that that was a relief, right? And so I think sometimes our kids have the impression that we have these maybe we do have these expectations, right? Or even if we don't, the kids feel that kind of pressure, right? Especially if that's all their friends are going that college pathway or all, you know.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, something that's been rolling around in my mind is something you said on the last podcast is that you only get to be a kid for a very, very short amount of time. And if you're doing this style of parenting, you're really robbing the kid of being able to be a kid. Yeah, you parentify them pretty, pretty quickly. So what's what might be some common behaviors that would result from this style of parenting?
SPEAKER_00:I think maybe one could be just confusion when you fail. Is there a lack of love when you fail, or who am I? Because I was so good at this before and maybe not so good at something different now.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, I you see it on TV all the time, the cold perfectionist. I'm better, you know, I know more, I'm expected to be perfect, and it's all a facade, you know, to to keep up an appearance that maybe they don't believe in, but that they're expected to be.
SPEAKER_02:There may be some rebellion from that too. Once, you know, if you've been pressured into this, once you have control over your own life, you may you may decide to be rebellious and take a different pathway. Out of spite or something. Yeah, it could be.
SPEAKER_00:Or out of burnout. Yeah. It's exhausting to be perfect. Yeah. You're right.
SPEAKER_02:You're right.
SPEAKER_03:All right. Here's another one that's similar to the last two, the trophy trap. This parent celebrates accomplishments, but kind of overlooks character. Winning and achieving or being the best becomes or the only metric that matters. Your worth is what you win. So what type of how would you describe this style of parenting?
SPEAKER_02:Well, you really see this in children's sports. Yeah. Right. And so from T ball to little league to, you know, we're talking about young children and parents who are losing their minds over, you know, their child isn't getting enough playtime, or they saw that the coach corrected their child and they didn't like it, or the ref called a foul and they don't like that. And the parents just kind of lose their minds over that. And and the message that that sends to the child is, you know, I have I I'm only worth what I win, right? Exactly what the description of that said.
SPEAKER_00:It's all about being the best.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Yeah. Whether you really are the best or not, right? I mean, you're the best because your parents are putting pressure on coaches and refs to ensure that you you are the best. And and it's sad to me for kids to think it's I'm only important if I win, you know, but I don't have any real worth or I'm not truly loved unless I'm the best, the first, the fastest.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. Even the kid makes a mistake, what's happening to them? It has nothing to do with the ref. They make a mistake, or maybe they were tired that day and are they getting are they getting some feedback on the way home or something that's like that?
SPEAKER_03:I'm a pretty competitive person. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:That's that understatement.
SPEAKER_03:And I had to try really, really hard not to to do this one. Thankfully, my wife is not a competitive person, and she had she was a bit of a buffer on this. And one thing she was always making sure to talk to our girls and that I would talk to the girls about after a game where maybe they messed up or anything like that was just let them know that I enjoyed watching them play and it was a f it was fun to see them out there doing things. Um yeah, but I it I'm feeling a little convicted on this one, but it it is really an easy one to kind of slip into, well-intentioned or not. So, what are some of the behaviors that might happen a kid might exhibit because of this this style of behavior this style of parenting?
SPEAKER_04:Well, they they might be tired a lot. Yeah. The kids. They also might be injured a lot.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:Whether it's or sick a lot, because you know, I think if you're doing something you don't like doing, you're not gonna really want to do it or do it well.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:So maybe there's all these illnesses that happen and things like that. I don't know. I'm I'm guessing here.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, Suzanne, you said whether they're good at it or not, it could look like over-identifying with their performance. I think that's true.
SPEAKER_02:I I think too, I can remember when my my oldest was, you know, say five or six, and she went to a gymnastics class once a week. And I overheard another parent saying, you know, on Mondays we do gymnastics and on Tuesdays we do ballet, and on Wednesdays we do soccer, and on Thursdays we have track practice, and on Fridays we and it was every day of the week. And I thought, how exhausting for the parent, for the child, for their pocketbook, you know, that at some point kids need time just to be kids and to play and to relax. And I see, again, this doesn't only refer to sports, but I think it just is applicable here, right? That you can become too obsessed with this, right? And and kids, even middle school kids and high school kids need some time to rest and relax and recuperate and not not be all consumed with an activity, whatever that activity is.
SPEAKER_03:I think sometimes kids will also, because the winning matters the most, will do inappropriate things to win.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Take shortcuts, they'll cheat, they'll do whatever it takes, alienate friends, family members. I mean, it's it can be pretty rough. That pressure can be really rough on the kids and the their behaviors may spiral into things that they normally wouldn't do.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, fake, fake and or or not reveal an injury or play through exhaustion. Like it's some of that, but not that any of that's positive, man. We understand having grit, but you know, they'll hide an injury and things, you know. All the things you see go into drug use or or anything like that. You're right. The mask, you know, steroids, whatever people do, and that that's uh immense amount of pressure.
SPEAKER_00:There could be a lot of struggles with self-worth when not achieving well enough.
SPEAKER_03:All right. Tell me about this one the lockdown parenting. Safety over trust. In response to fear, this parent heavily restricts the child's exposure to the world of technology, social situations, and even friendships. So, what does this style of parenting look like?
SPEAKER_04:This is, you know, and this is a fear thing, like you just said, I think is interesting. When I when I was growing up, I was I was co-parenting with my mom and my my grand my great grandmother. And she was a lockdown person. She was like, I should have to know where I was at all times. Where my mom was more like, hey, I go play, you know, but but I mean I I couldn't be gone 10 minutes and I'm getting called to check on me. What am I doing? And where you know, and I'm just in the backyard, right? And so it's just this, yeah, and I know thinking back now, I think she was just she was scared, you know. You know, she loves me and I knew she did, and I think she was worried about things could happen. Also, I found out later we lived in a bad neighborhood, so she had a really good reason to not not get it. You didn't know how I could just walk in the street and ride my bike, and no, because these crazy people just drove down the street like crazy. And and you know, so I I realized that being an older when I became a teenager, she kind of explained it to me, but it it did feel like lockdown. So, what does that mean? That means like all my other friends can play, but I always gotta be coming back. And I think that's where like sometimes it h it hurts your self-confidence, I think, as a kid. Like I didn't get to play as long or as much as other kids at times, you know, because she was actually uh more of my primary at the time. My mom had to work a lot, so I was with my grandmother when I was young.
SPEAKER_03:So, what might be some of the common behaviors that you uh a child would exhibit from this parenting style?
SPEAKER_02:I think I think the same being sneaky, right, or being rebellious. On our campus, we follow state licensing regulations and there's a policy called normalcy and that came out several years ago. But but basically what the state says is that just because a child lives in an out-of-home placement doesn't mean they that it's okay for them to miss out on typical childhood activities, right? And historically, say kids in facilities like ours or in foster care um were supervised so closely that they never got to do typical k typical kid things, right? And typical teenagers sometimes get to be away from their parents, right? They get to be out of adult supervision and go to the mall with a friend or go to a movie with a friend. Like, and so, you know, we we look at that in our environment and so that children who are responsible and developmentally age appropriate can engage in activities like that. And I think that's important for all kids, right? But you have to know your own personal child. What, how response are they mature enough to handle a situation? Have they exhibited trustworthiness in the past? And I think, you know, that's part of this when it talks about safety over trust. As adults, in order for our kids to build trust with us, we have to give them chances to build trust. You can't know if you can trust another person until you give them the opportunity to take a chance and build that trust with you. And so I think as parents, we start, we start and we do that in small ways. You know, like Sam said, he had to check in every 10 minutes, right? So maybe we can extend that to 15. Now, if he doesn't come back and check in 15 minutes, he hasn't shown that he's trustworthy, right? But you know what? If he checks in at 15 minutes and we try that for a couple of weeks, well then maybe I can extend it to 20, right? Like we're giving small opportunities for kids to build that trust with us. We also have to know that because they're kids and their cortex isn't fully developed. Sometimes they're gonna mess up. They're gonna get so involved in playing that they didn't look at the clock and they forgot at 20 minutes, right? That doesn't mean that we go back into lockdown. We have a conversation about it. We keep working on building that trust. And I think that's so important. You know, one of the things that your definition referenced was technology. And that's a really hard one too. I think, I think there are a lot of dangers in technology and that it takes a lot of parental supervision to use that wisely. But again, if you are willing to take those steps to check in with your kid and to check their phone, check what they're doing on social media, then you're giving them opportunities to build that trust with you.
SPEAKER_03:All right, finally, let's talk about the ruler trap. Rules matter more than relationship. The parent has a strict code of behavior that holds everyone to it, no exceptions. Grace is rare, rules are absolute, mistakes often bring shame, not learning. How does this style of parenting look?
SPEAKER_04:I respect what this parent's trying to do, right? I I respect that everywhere you go, there's rules. In fact, they're posted most places you go, right? And and uh they're written in when you go to work, they're written down in a big policy about all the rules you have, right? So I I respect what they're trying to do, but it's like we said before, there's there's not a perfect, there's not a rule for everything. I mean, there's just not.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:I mean, we people gotta learn how to operate one in the gray when there is gray area in in something, right? The don't do XYZ. That's simple, but there's also moral dilemmas people gotta learn to deal with. There's, you know, uh all these other things that they just don't fall in a rule set. Like, what's the right thing to do in this situation? And that's where we gotta teach, right? It's a difference, right? We we gotta teach the stuff, and it's important, uh, it's important to know rules and have structure for kids, but they also gotta have the ability to mess up a little bit.
SPEAKER_02:I think sometimes people that fall into this trap really want to apply the rules to other people, but when they violate the rules themselves, they want grace. Right? They're the first ones to say, oh, please give me another chance or please forgive me or I or I messed up. And so that that grace is so important, not only for us, but for us to extend it to other people in those situations, especially kids, right? Because kids are learning, they're still developing, they're still figuring out how things work. And they can't they can't learn that if they're never allowed to mess up. And and especially if there is shame that comes with a mistake rather than grace.
SPEAKER_03:So, what might be some common behaviors that kids may exhibit from this style of parenting?
SPEAKER_02:I think this is a perfect recipe for anxiety in a child, right? Being anxious about making a mistake, about am I doing it the correct way? And like Sam and Emily both said earlier, when you when you're so afraid of making a mistake, you don't have a lot of self-confidence in your own capacity to make a good decision.
SPEAKER_04:Well, also if there is no grace, and what's the point of doing the right thing? Yeah. Yeah. Right. At some point, children aren't small and they're not children forever, and they're as as they get into their emotional brain, as they become teenagers, they're gonna start testing limits just naturally. And however these parents control could could fail. I mean, if it if it's physical control, that that could fail. Because at some point kids aren't scared of your parents anymore. And I'm not saying you need to be, or maybe there'd be a lack of respect because you don't you don't listen to what I say anyway. So I'm gonna try what's I think is bet the best thing to do. And I uh there has to be grace or there's no point. I want to get in trouble anyway. I might as well go all the way. Yeah, and do the thing, right?
SPEAKER_00:You know, and you said lack of respect. It could also be lack of respect for the importance of rules and boundaries too without knowing why my parents created these rules and boundaries. I think that could go into the outside world too, just not respecting other people's rules and boundaries.
SPEAKER_02:When adults set the rules, they make perfect sense to us, but they don't always make sense to kids, right? They don't understand the history or the reasoning or the context. And so it's so important for us to explain the purpose or the reasoning behind rules to kids.
SPEAKER_03:So what happens in the long run when parents enforce rules without building a relationship?
SPEAKER_02:You know, I can remember when I when I was new working in this in this field and and a staff member said, hey, there's there's two extremes, rules at one end and relationship at the other. And if it's all relationship, it kind of it kind of turns into that grandparenting style of parenting where, you know, yes, darling, here's some more ice cream before dinner, like whatever you want, you can do no wrong, right? Versus that boot camps drill sergeant type of, you know, it's all about rules. And in reality, somewhere in between is a healthier blend, right? You know, so we talked about at the last podcast permissive parenting, and now we're talking about authoritarian parenting. And most of us are somewhere on that spectrum in the middle, but the most effective is to parent through relationship in the context of rules. Again, they say that kids don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. So if you've taken the time and effort to build a relationship, a positive, secure, healthy relationship with your child, it's much easier for them to understand the point of the rules, you know, because they know that you're parenting out of love and concern for them.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, I said this earlier. I mean, I I I know unconditionally that my mom loved me. Yeah. And my mom was very good about explaining the why of things. And sometimes I demanded it, right? I'm I'm getting older, you know, and I was in charge of a lot of things when I was a young teenager. I had a young brother that I helped care for. And so these responsibilities get thrust, but so there's rules that come with it, right? I got this baby's gotta survive. Right. And so I'm giving the strict, hey, here's how you do it, here's what time I need you. Also, she also told us why, you know, I need you to be an earshot or I need you to, you know, why you can't go to the here or don't go to that house. Like she knew things I wasn't privy to. And maybe when I was younger, I didn't need to know those things. But as I got older, she shared those things. I could respect my mom and follow the rules my mom set because she loved me and I knew that she was she had the best intentions. Did I always agree? No. I got to see my friends go do things that I couldn't go do, some sleepovers. It was absolutely no. Yeah. And maybe she was for respecting privacy or whatever of those people. I find out later that it, yeah, it's probably a good reason I she didn't let me go to the house. Yeah. She just knew that she knew the community, she knows the people in the community, and that I don't know. I'm young and I'm just freeing, trying to get free as a teenager. And uh, I just thought that was really cool because I can see it today that she was just trying to pre- everything, every rule had a reason, and it was for my protection and for my brother's protection and you know, our family's protection, and and also so I don't get in trouble. And you know, I she didn't want me to feel what it's like to get handcuffed or right. So hey, you can't do XYZ. No, we don't do that in the store. No, we don't, right? From the time I was a little boy into the time I became I was a man, right? So the other part of it is through all that growth, right, with all that respect, it it it taught me how to kind of be in society. Yeah. And so I could transition easier to other parts of like going to school wasn't hard for me because I had structure and I had rules, you know. So there was just this balance, you know. It was harder at school, actually, because I didn't have a relationship with the teachers.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:You know, they're just telling me what to do. And I and I you know, like, well, who are you to tell me? You know, you're not my mom, you're not my mom, and my mom's scarier than you for sure. You know, but you know, so I think that's just a perfect example of that.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:Uh that relationship is the only reason I really did what my mom asked me to do. Yeah. And she also enforced it if I didn't.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:Right. There was a there was a consequence for me if I did if I didn't at times.
SPEAKER_03:I remember in a previous podcast, we were talking about parenting from age 25 to 35. And one of the beautiful things I heard the other panelists talk about was the relationship that you get to have with your kid once they become that age. But I wonder what happens if you're all authoritarian from birth to 18. Do you get to experience that that beautiful friendship once they're once they're older, if the kids just wash their hands with parents. I've seen that happen with some uh friends where they their kids go off and they they don't talk to them anymore and don't have a relationship. And I it just seems very, very sad to me.
SPEAKER_02:You know, one of the things we tell all of our staff here on campus is that the most important tool that you have at your disposal is building a relationship with these residents, right? More than anything else I ever teach you in a class, if I can convince you to build a relationship with the children that you care for, you will have influence over their decisions and over their behavior. And but the only way to do it is by relationship.
SPEAKER_03:So what does healthy authority look like in a parent-child relationship? Because parents do need to be in the role of authority, right?
SPEAKER_00:It's saying I'm in charge, but I still care about your feelings and emotions. Right. At the beginning, I mentioned my parents were very structured, probably strict, but at the end of the day, I could still feel that they cared about my feelings and emotions, which has brought me to that age group you were previously talking about and the beautiful relationship I do get to have with my parents now.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Josh, earlier you mentioned cooperation versus control. And so I think, you know, when kids have some input into the rules, they have more buy-in, right? And so kids don't get to set the rules, but could we get their input? Could we ask them, hey, you know, hey, what do you think about this? Or if a kid is saying, I don't like that rule, okay, how could we compromise? Could we do that, right? But bringing them into that discussion, into that role of decision making, you cooperate and you compromise on a rule and then you ask the child, hey, if you break that rule, what should the consequence be? Right. So they're brought into that part of it too. And that helps strengthen their cortex. It helps them with decision-making skills. If you can share that power instead of, you know, grasping it for yourself.
SPEAKER_00:And it helps them learn from their mistakes.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. Yeah. I think healthy authority also has to be evolutionary. I talked about earlier when I was young, I needed a lot more structure. I needed a lot more being told what to do. And right, and so as I got older, uh, it was let loose a little bit. And also I'd proven that I can overall do the things I said I was gonna do. Yeah, I make decent decisions, all based on my training for my mom, right? Yeah and my you know, and I I think that it's used the consistency of that. I always knew I can more I can 90% guess what the answer was gonna be. Also, we were on an ask system. I I I had to ask permission to do things, I didn't just walk out of the house for obvious for the reasons I said earlier. I can't just leave the house and just disappear down the neighborhood. Yeah. I had to say, Mom, I'm going to XYZ's house. And sure, you know, okay, be back by XYZ. Okay. And so, right, so it's it's cool because you know, she was the boss, and I knew she was the boss, and I have to eat. She's also the cook, right? So I'll just playing, but you know, she you know, she was looking out for us and we knew it, and I think that's that's healthy. She also evolved with the times when she realized, hey, I was I was the oldest, right? So I'm the one that had to go through the training.
SPEAKER_02:She learned on you.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, because right at some point she had to realize I'm not a I'm not a big, you know, I'm not little anymore.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:I need a little more freedom. And luckily, my mom was able to make that distinction and and create that and give me a little more freedoms.
SPEAKER_02:Sam, we're gonna send a copy of this to your mom from Mother's Day. It's very sweet. Yeah, yeah, we can tell. It's very wonderful.
SPEAKER_03:Thank you so much for joining us today. If you'd like to contact us and ask us a question or email, our address is podcast at calfarley.org. I'll make sure I'll leave a link in the description. As always, you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just make sure you remember and get them back.
SPEAKER_01:Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about CalFarley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarly.org. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for CalFarley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.
