Brain Based Parenting
Brain Based Parenting, The Boys Ranch Podcast for families.
We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley’s Boys Ranch has to offer.
Contact us: email
podcasts@calfarley.org
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Brain Based Parenting
Understanding Kids’ Triggers And Building Calmer Homes
We show how naming triggers turns chaos into connection and why front loading, choice, and curiosity help kids and parents regulate. Real stories illustrate hidden triggers, values clashes, and how to repair with grace after hard moments.
• defining triggers and why past experiences matter
• front loading schedules and reducing surprises
• spotting early warning signs and patterns
• using choice to build agency and reduce power struggles
• curiosity over control for calmer conversations
• responding versus reacting and parent self regulation
• repairing with apology, grace and accountability
• navigating cherished beliefs without breaking relationship
• building personalized calm strategies kids can use
Please subscribe to this podcast or recommend this podcast to a friend or family member
If you would like more information about Cal Farley’s Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarly.org
You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for CalFarley’s
Contact:
podcasts@calfarley.org
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Cal Farley Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
SPEAKER_00:Hello and welcome. Today we're going to discuss how knowing your and your kids' triggers will help improve your relationships with them.
SPEAKER_03:To do that today, I'm joined by Suzanne Wright, Vice President of Training and Intervention. Chloe Hewitt, Youth Programs Administrator.
SPEAKER_01:Sam Cerna, Assistant Administrator of Residential Communities.
SPEAKER_00:All right, for our question of the day, since we're talking about triggers, what is your biggest trigger?
SPEAKER_03:Okay, well, the group of people sitting in this room with me know that my biggest trigger is a snake. And it doesn't matter what kind of snake, a garden snake and a python are the same to me. A six-inch snake and a six-foot snake are the same to me. I'm terrified. I can't look at pictures. I can't see one on TV. Big trigger.
SPEAKER_04:I thought long and hard about this. I think manipulation is my biggest trigger. And so I really struggle in relationships if I feel like there's manipulation or if I feel like people aren't just being transparent.
SPEAKER_01:I struggle with surprises. I don't like really being surprised or like people jumping out and trying to scare me and things like that.
SPEAKER_00:So I've had a different trigger before I drove to work today, but then I realized driving to work today, I have a really bad trigger. And that's when you're driving behind someone who's really, really, really slow, and then you finally get to a passing lane and you start to pass them, and then all of a sudden they speed up and don't let you pass them. I may have had a little bit of a rage problem on the way to work today. All right, so maybe we should talk about what are triggers. So what do we mean when we say triggers in the context of parenting and child behavior?
SPEAKER_04:So what I think is it taps into something from our past that can cause us to have an egg a stronger emotional response than we normally would because of whatever has happened in our past or something that we have had happen to us. And so normally we could be calmer, but we can't.
SPEAKER_03:It's anything that you experience that makes you feel angry or upset or agitated or or fearful. And sometimes your response seems irrational to the event, but that's because of exactly what Chloe said. It it's tied to something in your past. Yeah. Something, something you have experienced before.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and an interesting thing is sometimes you don't even know about it. Like you don't actually know what's creating the anger. Yeah, very commonly.
SPEAKER_00:So why is it important for parents to recognize their children's emotional or behavioral triggers?
SPEAKER_03:You know, kids don't always have the the maturity or the cortex development, right, to handle exposure to a trigger. And so as the parent, it's helpful if we're aware and then we can help help the child manage their reaction to that and provide some emotional regulation for them.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, I think we're all individuals and we have to be attuned to what makes us feel unsettled. But the difficult part with the kids is they can't always have that awareness. So then it's us trying to help them have awareness, name what is going on, or even assisting them to become aware, which can be very difficult.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. So also, you know, like kind of in my example of being surprised, you know, you don't want to really surprise your kids. So it helped uh the parents to understand when things are changing or preparing for a change, that you can see that this is affecting my child in a way. So you can also plan how how you go from there earlier than you would normally Yeah, like in our environment, we call that front loading.
SPEAKER_03:Right. So that if there are going to be changes in the daily schedule or the environment that we tell the kids as far in advance as possible so that they're not startled or caught off guard and they have time to acclimate or adjust to that change.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, I love that. You know, with my daughter, she's so funny. Every day, the night before the day, she's like, What are we doing tomorrow? What's on our schedule? Like, and it's always been a part of us because I that's how I am, is we I always have frontloaded them forever. And so I'm like, Yes, we're going to go to ranch, and this is what our day is gonna look like, and this is what we have after. And so that way they can know what to expect because they really do better when they're front-loaded. But so do we. I mean, if we're honest with ourselves, we want to know how our schedule is gonna play out too. A hundred percent.
SPEAKER_00:So maybe it'll be helpful if we give some examples. So, what are some common triggers in children, especially those who've experienced trauma or chronic stress?
SPEAKER_04:If we don't front load our like kids that have had some trauma or even chronic stress, you see this real extreme response in because they aren't getting what they expected. Uh, when I was first in casework, one of my first plans of service, which is just kind of sitting down with a kid talking about their goals, and I didn't tell the kid. Well, he kind of was always a kid in trouble. And so what happened was I showed up to the house and said, Hey, we're gonna do your meeting today. And he literally chunked his skateboard at my head. But because they had been telling him all week he couldn't write it, and he finally got permission to write it, and then I show up and said, We're gonna have this meeting. And so I think that was like one of the things that I learned was that was my mistake. If I had told him about it, then maybe he could have been set up for success, right? And so I took some blame in that situation that I didn't front load.
SPEAKER_03:You know, for some kids, it could be loud noises or it could be darkness or a storm or bedtime. It's so individualized that it really depends on each child's unique and individual history. It may be, you know, a conversation you have with them, or it may just be your awareness as a parent of what they've gone through. You know, and so you're you're knowledgeable about that child's history and then you see them having a reaction that you think, wow, this is out of context, it's it's up to you to be curious about what that clue was, right? What that event or object or smell or situation was that might be related somehow to a previous event.
SPEAKER_04:I think a lot of times it can look too like if they haven't had a lot of say. And so sometimes if you can give them choices, that also can help with those triggers. Because a lot of times they're gonna look for power in inappropriate ways. But then really we need to look at ways we can give them the power because their whole life they might have not had say over maybe their body or where they lived or where what they ate. And so, and when we can give them some of that, it's very beneficial because that can also be a trigger when they aren't having a say in how their day plays out or what they're doing or where they live or anything like that.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, even things as something simple as a smell, you know, in vi certain environments. Um, some for some kids also a calm environment can create a trigger because something sometimes things can happen in the quiet. So you just you never really know all the time what it is.
SPEAKER_00:So, what might be some early warning signs that a child is being triggered and how can parents tune into those cues before things escalate?
SPEAKER_03:Again, I think that's really individualized. But just when you see a child who looks agitated or frustrated, or they're behaving in a way they don't normally behave. A talkative child is really quiet, or a quiet child becomes really animated. Those are some clues. And you know, you know your kids, you know their baseline. You're able to see changes in their facial expressions or their body language that lets you know something's not okay.
SPEAKER_04:Well, and I think we do that even with, you know, staff or even with not just kids. Like you can usually sense, like, oh, that was a strong reaction. Like, what was that about, right? And so I think the way to be attuned to it is to just be curious about it, right? And say, like, hey, I noticed that you seem short today. I just wanted to check, like, is everything okay? Right. And just asking, or hey, I noticed you were quiet, like giving them some of those cues because a lot of times they're willing to talk about it if it's acknowledged, but sometimes they can't put a name to it or understand. So I think it's also powerful to just give them a space to do it, and it might not be that same day, it might be a different day.
SPEAKER_01:It's important to track it too. Like if if you if you start noticing a pattern, maybe there's something going on there that you don't know about. You know, it's interesting to me because you know, like, you know, although young kids are could be with us all the time, they might not be. You know, they go to other environments and you don't act, you know, always know what's happened or how other kids interact with them or other adults even in, you know, from school to daycare and all these things. So you know, you don't always know. So when you go to a place and something gets weird, like they start acting silly and that's not normal or uh things like that. I think that's one of the things you can start paying attention and find patterns. I I also read somewhere, uh listen, listen with your eyes, you know, that always they're not they're not they may not be capable or they're not going to tell you what's the matter. So but you can notice those things, notice those shifts.
SPEAKER_03:Well, and I think too, kids, kids can't always identify their emotion or their feeling. And so Chloe's comment about saying, Hey, I notice, and then describe the behavior that you notice and help the child learn to identify what that is. We teach our staff here on campus to notice triggers and then identify early warning signs. And we talk about the fact that frequently you're gonna see the early warning sign first and have to work your way back to figure out what that trigger is. And so you are identifying that, naming, hey, I noticed that you're fidgety or you have a frown on your face, or you know, whatever that is, and then you're asking questions to help lead that child to some insight about what that trigger might have been. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:It's so interesting because this this week I kind of had a little bit of this with my oldest, and and we they got to go to a new place for like some Sundays, and the first day was Tuesday, and he was like not wanting to get out of bed, and he was kind of fighting me about it, but I knew he was excited because they were like doing snow cones and like making fun activities for him. So then we get in the car and he was like, I don't, I'm I this is dumb. I'm not going. And I said, Hey, what's going on? Like what what and he said, Well, I it's just kind of new. And I said, Are you and I said, Okay, well, I think you're feeling nervous. He said, Well, what's nervous? And so we named it and we talked about it. And then, you know, my my youngest is in the car, my four-year-old listening, and then she goes, Well, I'm nervous about having a different teacher. And so then we talked, like she got to name it and then talk about, but he was nervous about the peers, like, hey, I'm gonna have a different class and new people. And and so I think that it is sometimes they don't have the word for even the emotion they're feeling, but they know something is unsettled.
SPEAKER_03:I just don't think we can underestimate the importance of being curious. And I think as adults, we frequently think we know. We know what they're feeling, we know, and and we don't take the time to be curious and to ask those questions, just like Chloe's example, right? Her son didn't have the ability to to identify nervousness or to explain what that was. And if she had just said, Hey, this is on the schedule today, I don't want to hear it, you're gonna go. Right. She would have shut down his emotion and not recognized it. And my guess is, Chloe, that at the end of that conversation, once you'd acknowledged his feeling and he understood this is a common feeling, it has a name, that he was more willing to go.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, we actually talked about something I was nervous about, like a change that's coming for us. Yeah. And I said, Well, mom's really nervous about this at work. And so then we all talked about something that made us nervous. And then I said, Hey, we're gonna walk you in. But I was gonna say too, depending on the day, it could have gotten a different response. I did have it, you know, because there are times that it's really hard to be curious, like depending on what I have going on in my own life, or like if me and my husband were in a fight, or if I'm trying to get to work on time, right? Like it depends on what all I have going on, if I'm doing a good job of being curious. And so all that to say is I think I say this a lot, but take a breath and then go into it because you want to get it right, and you're not always gonna get it right. It depends on, I say, like when my four-year-old loses it at Walmart, it's not getting the best version of me because I'm like super anxious and I feel people watching me, and so I'm not always the most therapeutic or curious in that moment, and I can recognize that.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, that goes back to some of our other podcasts, right? You prepare yourself, how do you engage, right? How do you calm yourself and things like that preparing because you know you're gonna pick up your kids at some point, right? So, okay, I gotta be in the space to pick up my kids, right? And so you're right, it's not always possible. Gosh, there's so much going on in people's lives and things like that. But but I was thinking about your your um the way you handle the asking, right? And because you're you're trying to understand them, right? Because it's easy for a parent just to judge a kid, like, oh, you're just being dramatic or whatever. You know, the those dismissive things that it's so easy because we are busy, our our minds are somewhere else. It makes it very difficult just to try to understand that it curiosity invites connection instead of control, right? So when I want when I need somebody to just do what I need, I'm controlling them. But the other way, like you what you just your example, you're connecting with your kids that way. It's really cool.
SPEAKER_00:I think it's interesting. Our brains, how they work, is they automatically assume that everyone else's brains see the world exactly the same way that it does unless told differently. So if you're curious, when a kid starts having a like meltdown or something like that, you can actually wonder what's changed in the environment. Whereas uh what we normally do with our brains is like, what's wrong with you? Why are you acting so dumb? Nothing, you know? But yeah, being curious, kind of instead of wanting to just yell at them or punish them, like what's what's different? Then we can actually do something to help them regulate. How can parents identify hidden or less obvious triggers like tone of voice, smells, or certain other environmental factors?
SPEAKER_03:Several years ago, we had a couple who were house parents, but previously he had been a preacher for several years in a church, and they had a couple in their congregation who became foster parents to their grandson. So it was a family placement. The little boy was probably around six, and he comes to live with them, and the first Sunday they get up and they get ready and they they go to church and everything's fine. The little boy goes to Sunday school, he comes into church, he sits down, and everything goes well until the music starts. And the little boy had a complete meltdown, and he's crying and screaming, and he's trying to jump up and run out of the church, and they're trying to calm him down and have him say, and it it's chaos. They they had to leave. And so they started to front load him for the next Sunday, right? On Sundays, we get up and go go to church. Tomorrow's Sunday. We're gonna get up, we're gonna put our nice clothes on, you know, step by step by step. The little boy's fine. He doesn't resist, he doesn't argue, he seems okay, right? To go to church. Everything is beautiful until the music starts. They have to leave and take him home again. And so the next morning they contacted the caseworker and they said, Hey, you know, church is a big part of our lives and we want him to be involved in church, but he has this bizarre reaction to church. And so the caseworker came over, they sat down with the little boy, and they knew that he had been physically abused. But what they didn't know is that in order to cover that up, his parents would turn the radio on really loud in their home before they started the abuse. So the neighbors couldn't hear him cry. And so because they were curious, they were able to identify what that trigger was, and it was loud music. And he was only six, so he didn't differentiate between, you know, church music and country or church music and rock or, you know, whatever they had played. But because they had that information, they could start to give him some control over his environment. And what they actually did is they bought a radio and they they let him pick the stations and he had complete control over it. So he could turn it up, he could turn it down, he could turn it on, he could turn it off. But they started to desensitize him and as Chloe said earlier, give him some control over that trigger.
SPEAKER_04:You know, I think it's interesting because it you're gonna have I have a friend who gets triggered every May. So she can't name it, but she starts kind of getting extra emotional. She'll start crying and she's like, What's going on? I'm like, it's that time of year again, right? She had a really, really tragic loss a couple of years ago in May. And so every May, April and May, she gets emotional. And so it's one of those things that we have to talk because even as adults, sometimes we can't recognize why am I having what's what's going on with me? Why am I struggling right now? You know? And so it is one of those things. She starts to recognize she's more emotional, but then she can't really see it till after she's having emotional responses.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, and that's a great point because the anniversary of a loss or a major life change can sometimes be a trigger that we're not aware of.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Right? So all of a sudden May rolls around and she's feeling very unsettled and probably through conversation with you is able to, you know, bring it to her level of awareness. Yeah. We see that a lot with kids who maybe some trauma happened when they were young, the death of a family member, maybe they were in a car wreck, you know. And so there's a book that we reference a lot here for training on our campus called The Body Keep Score. Basically, what they say is that our body has memories of things that occurred when we were little before we could verbalize what those things were. Right. And even though you may have mentally moved on, your body has retained some of those nonverbal memories. And so it's important when every May rolls around for her to identify that and to honor that and be aware of that.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:I want to share one other story. Several years ago, when when one of my daughters was younger, she was in a group of kids here on our campus and they had a trip planned to town. And the staff said it's gonna be a surprise day. And so they didn't tell the kids where they were going or what they were doing. And so they had several different stops planned for the day. For example, they got finished with one stop early and they went to the park, and the kids were chaotic. It was terrible because they were so anxious about what was next, right? And so there was no front loading and there was no planning. And so what the staff intended to be a fun day created havoc in the minds of the kids. And the staff were kind of frustrated. Their attitude was, we planned this fun day and y'all are acting terrible, and it's not even it's because surprises, like Sam said, aren't always good. And for a lot of kids who've had a trauma history, a surprise was negative. Surprise you woke up and nobody was home but you as a as a small child, right? Surprise there's no food in the house, surprise the cops are at your house. And so, especially for kids with a trauma history, but I think it's important for all kids to know the plan. A similar thing, you know, my daughter, we have always lived outside of a big town, right? So we have to go to town to go to the grocery store, to go to Walmart or whatever. And so that's a trip, you know, that's a 30 to 45 minute trip. You got to get all the errands done while you're there. And she would just pester, what's next? What's next? Where are we going next? And I was like, What does it matter? Like you're stuck in the car, we all have to do the errands, but because she felt out of control. And so finally I would hand her the list of errands and I would say, That was a good idea, where do you think we ought to go next? And sometimes she would pick a location that wasn't convenient. So I might point out, okay, these two are close together, that one's across town, but I would give her control and it completely changed those trips to town when she felt like she had some choice and some control.
SPEAKER_00:So why is it equally important for parents to understand their own emotional triggers?
SPEAKER_04:Because we're gonna have real strong reactions and I feel like we're probably not gonna be at our best when we are triggered. And so I'm willing to recognize it and step back when we are. And I think that's why is because you're going to have it and it's gonna hit you. And I think the hardest part about parenting is you don't even know that it's gonna hit you until it does, and then you're like, why is that bothering me so bad?
SPEAKER_01:Well, you know, you can't really help people who are dysregulated if you are dysregulated. And you know, one of the other things is like I like for my example, I know I can't control everything. I'm aware of that, right? Now I plan what I can, right? If I'm not the vacationer that just randomly does things, I'm we're gonna I'm I know where I'm going every day.
SPEAKER_03:You are not spontaneous. I'm not very spontaneous.
SPEAKER_01:My wife, my wife is, but I plan for that too. Um but you know, you know, you have to you have to just know, right? So I I can control what I can't control, and and be by that I can stay in a calmer state, right? Because you know, I know where I'm going, I know my destination, my route most of the time. It I know that sounds excessive, but that's how I that's how I go about my life. Even at work, I I look at my schedule every morning, I know what's happening. I I was here 15 minutes early today, right? Got my coffee, all the all the things need to go um so I can stay in a place. So if something surprises me right now, I'm still in a pretty calm space. I can probably manage it better. The other part about being dysregulated around your kids is it's gonna happen, right? And I think that discussion at the end, you know, having that discussion at the end, you know, I've I've had times where I've kind of lost my mind a little bit and I'm because I'm not understanding what just happened in in this event. Then I go back and you know, when I was a house parent, I could talk to kids in conflict, and I end up in conflict, and I'm so I'm trying to talk to everybody, see what was your what was your thoughts and what was going on and what was your thoughts, and then I got to tell them my thoughts, and it's it was really neat because it was a conflict between them and I ended up in conflict, right? Because they were then they turned on me, and so it was a real weird thing. But the most powerful thing I got out of that was the conversation after that. Hey, we we talked about weird, weird things like lines we don't cross, which we I wouldn't, and they don't they didn't know about me, you know, like hey, let's just why don't we next time we do XYZ and let's go? And we had a really powerful conversation which ended up having us kind of be closer, you know.
SPEAKER_03:I think it's important to understand the difference between responding and reacting. So, you know, when you're triggered by something, a reaction is it comes from the lower parts of your brain. You weren't you didn't plan ahead for it, right? It catches you off guard. And so typically you're gonna react out of your emotional brain. So you may say or do things you'll regret later. Responding comes from your cortex, the rational thinking part of your brain. And so that you've considered in advance what could happen, right? And you've got a contingency plan, right? So that that you can respond from a calm brain, from a cortex, from regulation. And Sam talked about, you know, when when as a parent you're dysregulated, you're gonna react. But if you can have a calm brain and be regulated, then you can respond to that child. And so, you know, really that's what we're trying to teach our children is to respond rather than react. And so we have to practice that for ourselves as adults, to the ability to respond rather than react.
SPEAKER_00:Also, think about the concept of name it to tame it. If you know what your triggers are, then you can do something about it. Yeah. And you can prepare for those situations. And if you don't know what they are, the kids will oftentimes teach you what your triggers are. So they will push that button every single time because at that point they can kind of control you. So yeah, just figuring out what it is and how you're gonna r respond to it is important too. So what does happen when a parent is triggered at the same time as their child is?
SPEAKER_03:It could be chaos. The parent, if the parent is unable to respond and they react, then you've got two people in chaos. And I think Sam said it earlier, then then who's there to provide the calm? But it does happen. It does. And for example, let's say that you are in a fender b fender bender, and so the child might be scared and the adult is scared, you know, and so it's not uncommon that you could both be triggered at the same time. It's not irrational and it's not necessarily a bad thing, but you do have to remember that as the adult, you have way more access to your cortex than they do, right? You'll probably be able to access it sooner as the adult. It it is up to you to get into that cortex and provide a calm brain as soon as possible.
SPEAKER_04:Like it's World War III. You're both not your best self. And so, like, it's just, and we've all been there, and then you know, and then you're feeling all the guilt after that, which I know we're gonna talk about how to repair that. So I think there is, but we've all had situations where we're triggered and the kids triggered, and it's just not our best self, either one of us.
SPEAKER_01:Power struggle, fight, flight, or freeze, nobody's leading your survival mode. Because I I talk about your brain doesn't register the difference. It it's prepared to fight no matter what's verbal, physical, it it does the same thing. It has a response to protect itself.
SPEAKER_00:Can you share an example of when a parent's trigger unknowingly escalated a situation?
SPEAKER_04:So we see this a lot on campus with our kids and and and a lot of times with their families. So the family, they might struggle to pull back from the family once they're placed here, or the f just not call, check in. And so that really taps into the family, like, I don't really want to do this anymore, I'm done. I kind of, you don't you don't care for me, right? It's tapping in to there, which then taps into the kid a feel of more rejection because they already feel it. And so then we're both reinforcing our insecurities, right? That that neither one of us feel wanted or needed. And so then it's kind of in this power struggle, as Sam is explained, that's one that it just keeps everyone feels inadequate, and so we just continue to pile on. And I don't think that we realize that it's really triggering stuff in each of us. And so a lot of times it escalates to where then they're completely strained and not speaking. And I'm so grateful for our casework department that it helps facilitate that. But I think that's some of what we see on campus.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. To build on Chloe's, you know, like when a kid back talks an adult, right? That's gonna that triggers a response. Well, did they back talk me in front of other adults? Now I have to do something about it. And what is that? That's about me, right? So that's that's what it is. It becomes about me. Hey, they're you're not gonna talk to me like that. That's about me, not their trauma and their past. That's one of the things the adults gotta get past. Hey, it's not always about you, it's not personal. They have a response for a reason. And going back to your example, when you're curious about it, you can talk about it instead of just shutting it down. Hey, you're not talking to me like that, and then you incite a power struggle again because they're gonna have another response for whatever reason it is, right?
SPEAKER_03:I think it's really common that an adult reprimands or disciplines a child and then they get a smirk or possibly a laugh. Right. And I think I think we've all we've all been there, right? And so your brain automatically goes, Oh, you think this is funny? I'll show you funny, right? I I mean, as a parent, those words have been on the tip of my tongue, possibly have come out of my mouth once or twice. But that that is, you know, my button was pushed by that child's response to my attempt to discipline them. And then it automatically escalates, right? And so as an adult, could I could I catch that and recognize that and see that what it, you know, what it's truly about, rather than that child's just being defiant, and I have got to show that I'm the one in control. Anytime you struggle for control or you feel that should be a red flag to you that you need to step back and take a breath before you go down a pathway that just escalates that power struggle.
SPEAKER_00:How can a child's behavior or choices unintentionally violate a parent's cherished belief or set of values?
SPEAKER_04:Well, I I kind of love uncher like cherished beliefs because I think it shows us a little bit about, but it's the things that we just value to the utmost ability to ourselves. Like we just value it so much to our core that it's a part of who we are. So I don't love lying. And my son is in this stage right now where he's kind of like testing lies and he hasn't done that. And so then I'm like, it was funny. My sister, I remember calling and telling me he lied about something very small, like putting socks on or something. And she was like, Oh, you would probably did not handle that well. I said, I actually handled it better than I thought, but I did. It is like one of those things I had to recognize that that's something in me that I very much value honesty. And so I had to watch my reaction. And it is difficult because me and my husband both value that highly. And so we kind of have to tag team it when our kids choose to lie about the small things, but we also want them to understand.
SPEAKER_03:So I think it's it's always important to remember that the culture you are raising your children in is not the culture you were raised in, right? And so, you know, in 2025, it's vastly culturally different than it was whenever you were in high school, regardless of your age, even if you're fairly recently graduated from high school, right? But it is a different culture, it is a different time. And so kids are very susceptible to peer pressure, they desire belonging, they want to fit in. And so they are functioning in a way that obtains them belonging in their peer group in 2025, not in 2005, right? Or or 2000 or whenever you know you were functioning in that time. And so it's a different world, and you cannot expect them to respond the way you did back then or behave in the same way you would have. They have a different existence and a different cultural experience, and you you've got to take that into consideration.
SPEAKER_00:I was listening to one of Dr. Perry's recordings, and he was talking about that, and he said that it's it's a normal thing to happen that kids are just gonna do that because of the different cultures. But he actually gave me some hope. He said that if you don't burn those relationships, that by the time they turn 20, 25, somewhere in there, they're gonna come back to what their foundation is. But it's like you said, they're just part of it trying to find that belonging in their or social group. So have some patience and it'll it will get better.
SPEAKER_01:I really like how this question was structured because it says how can their behavior choices unintentionally violate? They don't always do it on purpose, but our a lot of times our first thought is you know, and you you've done this, and you know, so what's the difference? It's not like just breaking a rule, right? This cuts deep. Like this is the thing I believe in. This is a no-nonsense thing about my being and my core and uh legacy and whatever. And uh the kid just violated that thing, and that's why it it feels so much more emotional and it feels personal, and that's where we have to learn to separate. Hey, they're not always doing that on purpose, and that's why curiosity helps that. Hey, what made you say or do that? Like you said with the lie, hey, what so what were you scared of when you told that lie? Yeah, and sometimes it's not even they're not thinking. Sure, yeah, put on socks and they just want to run outside and play. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it it's not it's not intentional, right? It's so it's kind of not always intentional.
SPEAKER_04:Well, and that's what I think is inter my four-year-old recently had this interesting dynamic, and she's telling me about it as I'm giving her a bath. And I she met someone that she thought looked like a boy, but it was a girl, so she decided she was just gonna ask. So she's telling me that she asked, which I and so I said, Okay, well, what did what did she tell you? That she's a girl and that she's a daughter. And I said, Okay, so sis, it's real important now that she has given you that response that you accept that and you don't continue to ask that question. But it was hard for me because in my mind, I'm like, you shouldn't be out, you should just like accept everyone, right? Because that's my belief is that we accept everyone we love on everyone, but she is serious just curious and and very open and honest and not afraid to ask anything. And so I but it was interesting because like it did hit me, and I had to like step back and be like, okay, but I have to watch how I respond to her because that is gonna be how she continues to respond to other people.
SPEAKER_01:And so you know, you know, I really like that because that's also a conversation that helps build confidence in a child because I think curiosity is a good thing, right? If we stifle that, they lose it. You know what I mean? There's there I I call them my analogy is like candles, right? People have lots of candles when they're young, they have lots of options, and and when you snuff one out, it's very difficult to relight that candle. And so the curiosity is important. That's what it's a survival instinct, right? To be curious and check things out. And so how you handled it, why you kind of just you keep the candle burning, but also kind of put a little one of those little glasses around it and keep it safe because hey, we need to ask in appropriate ways and do that.
SPEAKER_03:But but the temptation for a lot of parents would be oh, I can't believe you said that. Don't say that. Never say that again. Right? And so that it there again is where we have to keep our brains calm. And I think sometimes, just to be honest, we're concerned that whatever our child just said or did. Is a reflection on us. Exactly. Exactly. So what have your parents taught you? I think we have to set that aside and handle it. You know, Chloe, like you did, ask some questions, just be curious. You know, your kids are always going to say things to embarrass you. And that doesn't necessarily stop when they're grown. I think too, those cherished beliefs, as our kids get older and older and as they enter into young adulthood and adulthood, they have developed their own mindset. Now we've given them a strong foundation of our cherished beliefs, but we have to understand that they may choose some different beliefs from us. And that may be different political beliefs or different religious beliefs, or, you know, and can we still maintain that relationship, like Josh said, without breaking it? You know, if you don't believe what I believe, we're done. Or, you know, can you have an open, honest, respectful line of communication, even though your child may have some different ideas about the world than you do? Absolutely, yeah.
SPEAKER_04:I think it's so also reassuring because you can one of the things I've told my kids at their bedtime routine is always like, is there anything in this world that can make mom not love you? And and so, and we talk about no, there's not, like mom is your mom and she will always love you. But recently, which my husband is not a warm and fuzzy person, but recently he started asking them, what do you think that daddy believes about you? And so that's his question that he asks them at night. And so essentially we both have tried to instill in them some of like even just our viewpoint because we want them to know that no matter what, if you do view differently or you make different choices, that you can always come back.
SPEAKER_03:You know, that is so powerful, and your children are are young, but I think that would be just as powerful for us to ask children all along the way.
SPEAKER_04:All along the way.
SPEAKER_03:All along the way. I think I think kids have a fear that I could do something that would cause you not to love me or not to accept me, or they may not be aware of the things that you love about them. And I love both of those questions, Chloe. And I would just recommend to listeners ask your kids those questions, regardless of how old they are. Yeah. I'll go ask my 30-year-old and I'll let you know what she says.
SPEAKER_00:Um, how can grace and forgiveness play a role in repairing connection after a triggering moment?
SPEAKER_04:I mean, I think it's huge. I think a lot of times we have to have it for ourselves too. I say that before, but genuinely I'm my biggest critic. And so I think when we step back, I'm I'm so upset with myself, but I try to also explain as much as I can appropriately to my kids why mom responded wrong or too strong. But then also tell them that, you know, and ask them. I ask them, like, do you forgive mom? I like allow them to have power in that because sometimes they could say, No, I need some space. I was we were laughing at my five-year-old last or six-year-old at dinner last night. My husband was pestering him and knocking him at dinner, and he said, Are you out of control right now? And I was like so proud of him because we were like, Oh, he's setting a boundary, but it's your son said that to you. He said that to his dad, and he's like, You're out of control, and we're eating dinner. Like, but we were like, Oh, he's like getting some, you know, like he's comfortable enough to like set a boundary. And so I think that is by grace and forgiveness that you can kind of open, be open.
SPEAKER_03:I think asking a child for forgiveness is one of the most powerful things that you can do. I think that that has furthered my relationship with my own children, but also a lot of children I've worked with here on our campus when I've had to go to them and apologize. You know, I was short-tempered or I made a decision before I had all the information or I jumped to a conclusion. It's unexpected, but it's it's what I want them to be able to do, right? I'm setting the example for what I want them to be able to do is to own my beh, you know, own your behavior, make repairs when you've done something wrong. And I just think it's incredibly powerful when we as the adult take that first step.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, it's like repentance, right? You realize you made a mistake. Doesn't excuse what I did, right? But I think the discussion is powerful. I mean, I and I think parents realize more than they know. I mean, I think, I mean, me that having already raised my kids, no, I got a certain amount of guilt about some things. Like, hey, I could have done this better. You know, what's interesting though, and I raised a bunch of kids here as well, and being an adult and knowing the things I know now, I I that I think that's what creates the guilt, is that I've learned some different things, and then I go and say, dang it, you know, I I I messed that up, I messed that up. The interesting part about it is when you talk to the young people, if you've given them way better experiences than bad experiences, they remember those more. I'm sure that there's some triggering events that may I maybe I have caused, you know, uh, with an outburst or something. But what I know is they're not afraid of me. They they you know, they still call. You know, my my kids call. Hey dad, you were a good dad, kind of thing. Hopefully on Father's Day I'll hear that. And you know what I mean? So it's really kind of cool, but you you're playing with the tools you have, right? You hear with the toys you have and uh but when you know better, you do better. That's exactly right.
SPEAKER_03:Right, and and I think we've all learned that. And so if you're a parent listening, when you know better, do better, but give yourself grace and forgiveness too. The thing is, parenting didn't come with a manual, right? And and you know, when you've parented that first child and you think you know what you're doing, you're tempted to have a second child, and that child's completely different, right? And so you you are learning as you go, and at each stage of the game that you've never had a toddler before, then you've never had an elementary kid before, or a preteen, or a teenager, or a young adult, you know, and so at every stage of the game, you're learning on the fly. Do the do the best you can, give yourself grace and forgiveness.
SPEAKER_01:Absolutely. You know, and I think it our our um making it right models accountability for them because right, that's what I want them to be able to do at some point is hey, we're gonna mess up. You can own that, and it's gonna be okay. It's not gonna be okay with every person you make right, but you do your part. You do your part. And I think that that was always important. That's actually a high value for me, is is making things right when you when you mess up. And I think my kids have that in them as well.
SPEAKER_00:So, what does it look like to model emotional regulation and humility for your kids after you've been triggered?
SPEAKER_03:Chloe, I think you've given some great examples of this in previous podcasts where you've said to your kids, hey, mom needs a minute. And you know, you've let them know, hey, you're gonna stay here with dad while mom goes on a walk by herself, or you know, so but you're naming it. You're not just walking out and they have, oh, mom's mad and she walked out, right? You're saying I'm upset or I'm frustrated, I need a moment to cool off. And I just think you've you've done a great job of being intentional with that.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, I think it's just even verbalizing it no matter what age your kid is, because I think that even how even as they get older, you're gonna have different triggers, right? And so I think just trying to verbalize, hey, I need a minute, or I can't have that conversation with you right now, or all those things, but I want to, you know, like naming when you're gonna be able to, or I want to come back, or I will come back, and improving that has been, and so a lot of things too. I I mean, I'm real open with my kids about hey, mom's like when mom's stress workouts help her, which is why mom works out, but it's also good for my body. And so I really try to like be over, overly share about all the things I utilize um just so that they're aware of of how I help myself regulate so that they can utilize some of that. Recently, my my son had a wild outburst that he hadn't had in years. And so I remember we like went through it, I gave him space, he said he wanted to be in his room, all the things. And so then we came back and talked. And then I said, okay, let now that we're calm, let's talk about how we could have handled it differently and what ways we need to do it next time. And so that was one of the other things is I tried really hard to be calm in that moment, even though it was very difficult because I hadn't seen him that frustrated, and it was all of something small. But we talked about like, hey, these go to your room, take a deep breath, play with your toys, and then come back, or if you want to talk to mommy or go for a walk, those are all options. So even the next day, my husband had been at work during it, and so the next day he asked him and he said, Yeah, but me and mom talked, and these are all the ways I could have handled it differently. And so we talked again, you know, and and then even now randomly when we're driving, it's like, hey, Bubba, how do we help ourselves when we're frustrated? And just trying to give him those tools because what we know is a lot of times it is hard to get to our calm brain. And so the more that we can talk about how to utilize it when we are when we are calm, maybe we can tap into that when we are frustrated.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah, I like that. I think what one of the things I thought was that I've heard this crisis is opportunity. I think crisis and conflict are both opportunity and they're unavoidable. They're gonna happen, right? They're gonna happen with the created, whether you create it or someone creates it, or however it goes, right? The it's an opportunity, right? So when I when I have an opportunity, I also, like you said, I have time to stop, collect my thoughts. I don't have to make it right this minute, but I do gotta make it right. So collect my thoughts. Hey, I overreacted earlier. That wasn't fair to you, right? So, what does that model for them, right? So shows them that adults make mistakes. We make mistakes too. We're not perfect. Here's how we fix it, and then uh and then we model it and it builds resilience and emotional maturity in kids. Which like we're not always there, but when we can be, the more we can model that piece, the more they'll maybe exhibit that piece.
SPEAKER_03:That's again one of the things we teach our staff are to identify triggers and early warning signs or reverse that, right? Notice early warning signs and then identify triggers. But the final piece of that is to develop strategies to to return to a sense of calm once you've been triggered. And so helping kids figure out what those strategies are, because just like everybody has individual triggers, everybody has individual strategies, right? And so for some people that's listening to calm music or taking a walk or playing with a fidget or bouncing a ball or, you know, whatever it is, but it's different based on that child that child's central nervous system, but also maybe on their age, right? And so what works for a child when they're six may not work when they're 16. But but like Chloe, you're verbalizing those things to your kids when they're young, which means you'll be able to continue to have that conversation, you know, throughout their life is what what things help you return to a sense of calmness. And even how would you know what does calm feel like? Right. So just like you had a great conversation with your son about naming those feelings that were nervousness, having those conversations where you talk about what so what does calm feel like could also be really beneficial. Yeah, that's good.
SPEAKER_00:All right, thank you so much for listening today. I hope it won't be too triggering to ask you, but please subscribe to this podcast or recommend this podcast to a friend or family member. Until next time, remember, you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just make sure you get them back.
SPEAKER_02:Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarly.org. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for CalFarley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.
