Brain Based Parenting
Brain Based Parenting, The Boys Ranch Podcast for families.
We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley’s Boys Ranch has to offer.
Contact us: email
podcasts@calfarley.org
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For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Brain Based Parenting
Family Calendars: Building Routines Kids Trust
Chaos fades when the calendar leads. We sit down to unpack how predictable routines help kids feel safe, lower tantrums, and give parents room to breathe. From morning transitions to bedtime wind‑downs, we map out the small habits that make days smoother and decisions easier.
We dig into the difference between healthy structure and suffocating rigidity, showing how “freedom within fences” lets kids practice choice without derailing the plan. You’ll hear real stories, including a surprise outing that went sideways—and the simple repair steps that turned it into a win. We share how to choose your family’s non‑negotiables, protect energy during busy seasons, and build a values-first schedule that fits who you are right now.
Tools matter, but only if you’ll use them. We compare dry erase boards in high‑traffic spaces, color‑coded paper calendars, and shared Google calendars that keep teens and multiple caregivers aligned. You’ll learn how to run quick weekly check‑ins, front‑load kids before changes, and do fast after‑action reviews to improve without blame. For co‑parents and multi‑household families, we offer straightforward texting and invite practices that keep information flowing and reduce missed commitments.
If you’re ready to trade guesswork for calm and create a family rhythm that supports growth, this conversation is your playbook. Subscribe, share with a friend who’s juggling too much, and leave a review to help more families build structure that actually sticks.
Contact:
podcasts@calfarley.org
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Spromp.
SPEAKER_02:Hello and welcome. Today we're going to talk about the importance of structure and routine and most importantly, discuss how to effectively set up your family calendar.
SPEAKER_03:To do that today, I'm joined by Chloe Hewitt, Youth Programs Administrator. Julia Ortega, Direct Care Staff Training Specialist.
SPEAKER_02:All right. So for our question of the day, since we're talking about calendars, I thought I'd ask you, what is your favorite month in the year and why?
SPEAKER_01:So my favorite month has to be December. I think that still to this day, Christmas is magical to me. And so I really embrace the time from Thanksgiving to all the way at the end of Christmas. And so especially now that my kids are getting out for school, I get to enjoy extra time with them in December. So that is definitely mine. Plus, I love winter. Winter's my favorite season.
SPEAKER_03:I agree with Chloe about Christmas and just I don't think the magic of Christmas should ever go away. No. We still do Santa Claus at our house, but my actual favorite month is October because it's kind of transitioning you into the holiday season. And I love fall. I just love the colors and the crisp air. And yeah, that's good. Josh?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I gotta agree with October. It's it's the best fall, the cut changing colors. I do not like cold. That's the reason probably why December wouldn't be a good one for me. And it's my birthday month, so you know that's that's gotta factor into that too, right?
SPEAKER_01:Yes, it does factor.
SPEAKER_02:All right. So we're gonna talk a lot today about the importance of structure and routine. What are the main benefits you've seen for kids when there is consistent structure and routine in place at home?
SPEAKER_01:You know, I think we all love predictability. So I think the main benefits is sometimes if they have a consistent routine and structure in the home, they know what to expect. And so a lot of times you see a decrease in like tantrums or a decrease in like being hyper-vigilant because they are aware of what's coming next. Because we in nature all want that. Like even adults want to know what's coming next. And so I think that is some of the benefits that you see is that they know what's coming. There is a change, y'all can talk about it ahead of time. So that's what I would say.
SPEAKER_03:I think too, it reduces chaos. And so if you can have a consistent routine, then you eliminate a lot of chaos. And for us, that was morning times. So structure and routine for us was really important in the mornings, and then at night preparing for our next day to help eliminate that morning chaos.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I totally agree with you guys. I think that structure and routine helps kids feel safe. And when they don't feel safe, then they think they have to create the structure and routine. And they don't always do as good of a job as we do, I think, with when it comes to setting those things up themselves. So, what do you think the difference between routine that supports growth and one that just feels too rigid?
SPEAKER_01:Well, I mean, I always think it's important that kids have some power and choice in it, right? I think if you take all that and it's all very rigid or every moment of the day is planned out, I have my sister-in-law plans her vacations down to a T and I think it has like the times. And that even overwhelms me thinking about vacationing with them that it's it's every minute is accounted for, right? Because you never quite know. Or what if I pick out shoes and my daughter's in this age where if she picks out her outfit and it doesn't go the way she wants, she wants to change it. But if it's so rigid that you don't have any free choice or allow movement in it, I think then that then creates anxiety and you don't know how to move.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I agree with that. I think kids have to have a say. They have to be able to say this doesn't work for me or this does work for me. And when things aren't working for them or for you as a family unit, then you have to be willing to change and explore new ways of doing things. And so kids need the ability to do that to say, this doesn't work for me.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and I think that having a routine that is so rigid or you can't make changes in it is just practical or is not going to happen. So I think it's important that we have some flexibility and be able to be rigid and that helps kids be able to figure out and families to figure out how to think on the fly and problem-solving skills and all that stuff when the things do go sideways.
SPEAKER_03:When you're too rigid, it takes away the family unit. Yeah. Yeah. That's good, Julie.
SPEAKER_02:So how does a predictable calendar help reduce stress and conflict for parents and children alike?
SPEAKER_01:You know, I think for us, we have a calendar that we keep. It's a dry erase board. I update it all the time, and the kids like know where it's at and they see what's on it. But I also think that that allows them the opportunity to also look at it and plan ahead and know what we have or add things to the calendar. I think it reduces stress because they can look ahead of time of what's coming up. That's my my thoughts on that.
SPEAKER_03:No, I I like that. I also use a dry erase board at home because I keep track of a lot of different appointments for a variety of people that live in different towns than I live in. So keeping that calendar is really important. And so especially if people that support me help me come over, they can just look at that calendar and maybe see a day where I could use help or support. And so that's really helpful to me. It helps reduce stress. It like my daughter can just go look at it and say, I can help you on this day without me having to feel like I'm always saying, Hey, can somebody help me on this day? And then just keeping up with it just eliminates stress where anybody can go look at it and see what's going on at any time. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:I think it helps us say no to things sometimes too. Sometimes we get so many people asking us to do things and join different activities. But if it's something's already on the calendar, it's an easy well, I'd love to do that, but I can't because you know it's on the calendar. All right. So now let's talk about the setting up of the calendar, some foundations and practical steps that might be helpful for families. So when creating a parenting calendar, what do you think the first step you would recommend to set up families for success?
SPEAKER_01:So I think this is always good to talk to your spouse first, right? Like, so I we recently just did this because we had school start. And so me and my husband were like, hey, let's set up, let's change the routine a little bit. Cause in the summer, you know, we got a little bit more relaxed and I want to talk about what time we want to do bedtime, but really we need to start bedtime actually 30 minutes before we are putting them to bed, right? And so I think we came up with what made us comfortable and what we wanted mornings to look like and evenings. And then we asked the kids, is there anything that y'all want in particular? And we even included them in their screen time. So do you want your screen time when you get home from school or do you want your screen time before it's bedtime? Like we start your bedtime routine. So because we do like they we do baths and then we do reading and then they're in bed. So like they could do the screen time, but we gave them some choice in it and they both wanted it after school. And so trying to start with your spouse first, we were on the same page and then we included our kids in some pieces of it.
SPEAKER_03:I think that's so important to include your kids and let them have choices. The first thing for me was I had to assign everybody a color. That's smart. So before working on a calendar, I everybody had to have a color, and that's what we go with is everybody's assigned color. So, two, I it's just a quick glance who has something on this day. I do, Ray does, you know, yeah. I can just a quick glance look at the color if I don't really need to pay attention to what's on it at that moment. I can look and see who's involved that day. I like that.
SPEAKER_02:So, how do you determine which activities, commitments, and other routines deserve a permanent spot on a calendar?
SPEAKER_01:So I love I love this question. So for our family, it is very much church as a priority. And so Wednesday nights, I mean, I remember early on we my my son plays soccer because my husband loves soccer. And early on, we got on a team and they said Wednesday nights is when soccer is. And I remember calling and saying, Hey, we can't do that. And then they the league told us, okay, well, then you can just go to games. And I said no, because that doesn't teach my son the priority of practice. And so I just actually we opted out of that game because I I mean it wasn't fair to ask the whole team to switch when they wanted to do practice, but we told our son and and that hey, Wednesdays is for church, and so that is not when we're gonna so for us, those are our non-negotiables is Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings is and really it's even something that my husband's schedule is really chaotic because he's a firefighter and they they have the most chaotic schedule in my opinion. People cannot keep up with it. But in saying that, he had decided last year that he was no longer gonna take overtime on a Sunday, so he only works Sundays he scheduled. And so he started making that a priority also, even in his work schedule. So I think those are definitely some and then honestly, sometimes depending on how my kids are functioning, that also alleviates to whether or not I'm gonna take an extra commitment. Because if they are both wearing out, like especially this season when we just started back at school, like Saturday, we didn't do anything. And I was like, we're not really leaving the house, we'll do a grocery pickup on Sunday. But they were worn out from starting school. And so really it also gauges on how they're doing because what I know is if I can try to say yes to in a commitment and they're worn out, then I'm gonna pay for it at the commitment, right? Like they're gonna have a tantrum or they're gonna be exhausted or be extra clingy, and so it's just better for me to also listen to what their needs are too.
SPEAKER_03:I think so it fluctuates on my calendar, but my but every month my calendar has a day that's mine. And so I do a self-care day once a month. I love it. And which has been really hard to commit to, but I'm getting better. And so that is like every month I pick a day, this is gonna be my day for self-care. So it'll fluctuate, but every month has one. That's awesome.
SPEAKER_02:What do you think the best way is to set up those things that are permanent on the calendar? How do you how do you determine which things are permanent and which things maybe can be negotiable?
SPEAKER_01:I mean, I I love that because I think that they're really it's a discussion for us in our family, it's a discussion between me and my husband because we really try to be on the same page about what because what I've also seen throughout the years, and this hasn't always been the case because I think I've learned throughout marriage, but I think if we're on the same page, it also shows us as unity to our children. And so really trying to prioritize what is important to us. And we do like our kids involved in a sport because it teaches them team effort and like working together as a team and also just showing them some responsibility as they are young. And so a sport has also been important to us in that. So we kind of prioritize what is important, but we also want them, which I Suzanne, I say this all the time, always does such a great job of saying this about building a community around her kids so that when her kids are older, they have other adults to go to. And so it is very important to us that we're in, we're actually in two small groups in our family, one on Sunday nights and one on Wednesdays. And it's because I want my kids to be surrounded by other people that they can pour into.
SPEAKER_03:I think you just have to decide what's the most important thing to you and then make a commitment to it. Make sure that it gets on the calendar and it stays on the calendar and that it truly is non-negotiable. And and that'll look different for different families. Things will look different for Josh's family than it will mine or Chloe's family. Like I don't have kids living with me anymore, so my calendar looks very different. Whatever it is that it's that's important to your family, you have to communicate that with each other, make a decision, and then that how you just have to commit to it.
SPEAKER_02:So, what type of tools or formats, you know, like paper, digital, shared apps? What do what do you think works best for families to keep everyone organized? Do you guys have any suggestions of go-to calendars that you guys utilize?
SPEAKER_01:So I I I feel like maybe you do, Josh. I don't know, but I I have several friends that do share their calendars. I don't know if y'all do. Me and my husband don't do that because he can't have his phone at work. And so for us, it's actually a it's so it's the dry erase board, and then everything's on my phone and the dry erase board, and then it's also a conversation. Usually every like Thursday or Friday, what do we have this weekend? And rolling over what our weekend is. So ours is more of like a pass down note, like I would say too. But that is just because he can't always have his phone. And so that's what ours looks like.
SPEAKER_03:So I my son makes a lot of wise cracks at me because I still use paper calendar. I have the dry erase board at home. I have a paper calendar on my desk at home. I have a paper calendar that I carry in my bag with me everywhere I go. And so because if my I just my phone has not felt super reliable, plus you can only fit so much in a space on the phone. Yeah. And it was much easier for me to color code on paper. And so I have just stayed committed to that paper calendar. It just is a lot easier for me.
SPEAKER_01:I should say we I also have a formal calendar at work at work that I use. And so it has my personal, but that's like for me because I've always used it since I started when I was like in college. And so I live off of that too. But I also color coat my partner at work always makes fun of me. He's like, You everything on my calendar is color coded so that I know what's coming up. Like, and so I also color coat my work calendar.
SPEAKER_02:So we use we're pretty digital with our calendars. We use the Google calendar, which is really helpful for us because we can share it and it does help everyone stay on the same page. And I think that's I think that's been one of the best things for my older daughters. They were in lots and lots of sports and activities. Being able to make sure that we had a shared calendar where we could all kind of add things like wherever we were at, made it where we weren't double booking ourselves all the time. So the digital worked good for us. Now, my youngest daughter, she's more like you, Julie. She likes her paper copies. She has she has our digital copy on her phone for but her for all of her own personal stuff, she has her own paper calendar that she keeps that all marked up. I think the most important thing is just making sure you communicate. Everyone's on the same page, whatever, whatever you guys are doing. What do you guys think about that?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's why we also have the dry erase board that's in a high traffic area in our home, is my calendar also goes. Not my work stuff, but all of our personal stuff goes on that dry erase board, and that's helps us communicate. But you mentioned Google. We use the Google notes a lot and share that. So, like grocery lists, reminders, things like that. So yeah, that's very helpful.
SPEAKER_01:Our so our dry erase board also, so we use initials on ours, and so that's how we don't do colors, but we do initials. We also have like vacations or when dad's gone for a while, like for a couple of days for work or mom's gone for work. And so it's funny because my kids will count down vacation because they know that it's on the calendar, and so they will pay attention to the dry erase.
SPEAKER_02:One of the things I was just thinking about when it comes to like a family just wanting to start setting up their calendar, understand that it's it's a process that's probably gonna be messy for a little bit and you're probably gonna double book things and you know make mistakes, but it is worth kind of figure those things out and it will get easier over time. What do you guys think? Does that Yeah?
SPEAKER_01:And I think too, I think even if you I I mean, I'm big on this. I think even if you obligate, because I'm in the season of birthday parties every weekend, and Jack and my boss laughs at me because it's true. If if you ask me what I did on the weekend, typically I've gone to one or two birthday parties. But there has been times where I was like, hey, I said yes to it. I don't think we're actually gonna get to make it. It was just too much for us. And and I'll still take the present later and have the kids, but like, so I I think even if you do over-obligate or you do it, I think you can still say, Hey, we didn't, we missed it, but here's the present. You know, take like take what you need to, even in the season that you're developing it.
SPEAKER_03:Especially, I mean, when your kids are young, it's real easy to overcommit. I think it's important too that you have to remember to do what's best for yourself and your family. And so sometimes my daughter will say, Hey, we were supposed to do this, but I really need to rest. And so I try to thank her, like, thank you for choosing self-care over feeling like you had to go do this thing. And it helps me to remember too that it's okay for me to do that as well. Because cal can keeping a calendar can be a lot of work. It can be very taxing. So I also think it's important to set aside time devoted to working on your calendar because if you're trying to do it in the middle of all the stuff, it it is gonna get messy. It's gonna be harder to keep it organized.
SPEAKER_02:So yeah, that's usually what we do. We have a day on the calendar to set up next month's calendar, and that's real helpful to kind of just get a baseline and understanding that we'll probably have to adjust it as we go. So, how do you involve kids in the process of setting up the calendar so they feel like they have some ownership and buy-in in the calendar?
SPEAKER_01:So honestly, and some of because my kids are like seven and four, but I think so. For him, a lot of times I'll put like a special picture or something on it. So, like as it's a birthday party that he really wants to go to, or if it's Thanksgiving, I draw a turkey and Christmas I draw like snowman and Santa. And so I try to like do it to where they can see it. And then, you know, when they get the birthday cards, I like okay, are we gonna go? Yes, it looks like our calendar is clear. Let's put it on there. And so allowing them to also be with me when I'm putting stuff on it is how I incorporate it some. But they're younger, so yeah, I'm in my 60s and I still put little pictures on my face.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, that's awesome. I love it. It just makes you happy and it kind of takes some of the overwhelmedness, is that a word, out of like just seeing all the things. If you can just see something fun on it. So I still I use stickers, I don't draw, but there you go.
SPEAKER_02:My I mentioned my youngest daughter likes to have her own calendar. And so we let her pick out like uh last year, she had a Taylor Swift calendar. That's cool. Uh the year before that, we were going to Hawaii, so she bought herself a Hawaii calendar. This year, I should probably find out what her calendar is coming up, but I'm sure she's in the in the midst of planning what her next calendar is going to be for the upcoming year.
SPEAKER_03:That's cool. That's fun. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:All right. So things don't always go to plan. So let's talk a little bit about flexibility, adaptation when things kind of go off schedule. So, what's the healthiest way for parents to respond when an unexpected event disrupts the events on your calendar?
SPEAKER_01:I mean, I think naming it, because I think what happens is that obviously in uh in everybody's different. My kids are very much frontloader kids, and I think it's because I've front loaded them so much of their life that now when I do, when a wrench gets thrown at us, I think just saying, hey, mommy's really sorry this situation came up and and giving them as much as I can give them, and then just saying that like it it's hard for mommy that it changed too, you know, just naming the situation and admitting that it's hard for me too.
SPEAKER_03:So as a house parent, one time I created the unexpected thing that disrupts our calendar unintentionally. So we front load, we would front load the boys all the time and they would get to help plan trips to town. And, you know, they had a lot of say in what we were doing. And so one day we got up and I said, Hey guys, get your house cleaning done, your chores done. This is what you need to pack for the day. We're going off campus. What are we gonna do? That was their question. I said, It's a surprise. Oh no. It went so south. Oh no, so fast. And so I created this big disruption on this day that I had been planning on my calendar, but was gonna surprise everybody else. And it it was terrible. They refused to go. We didn't get to help plan. You didn't tell us, and so I had to back up and say, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't think this through. I'm sorry I created this chaos for you guys. Let's replan this trip. And so we did, we refocused. They I said this is what I had planned. They picked what they wanted to do, picked what they didn't want to do, and we went to town and we had a good time. But I had to be able to say, I messed up and I created this situation. So let's rethink it and and give them some input and how to fix it. Yeah, I'm flexible, like you were real flexible in that, Julie.
SPEAKER_02:So, how can you teach children to be adaptable without sacrificing the benefits of structure?
SPEAKER_03:I think boundaries, maybe giving them choices, saying we can do this or we can do that.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I mean, I think so. I try like they know their routine, right? So we have like a whole morning thing, and so really a lot of it's like, hey, what would you like for this for breakfast, or what would you like to do? You know, would you like to walk or drive to school, which my son will always pick drive. He never wants to walk. But you know, trying to let them have it within the structure of how we need to get to school is probably what I would say.
SPEAKER_03:And I think if you're giving them choices and they're having input, then when there's times that you can't, it's probably easier for them because they don't feel like they don't have any say or any power in making those choices.
SPEAKER_01:So I'm I'm having to Well, and I I was trying to think. So I think my daughter is that kind of example. Like she is in this stage already at four that she has picks out her outfit the night before, but then the next morning she's like, No, I don't like that outfit. And so then I'm like, okay, remain calm because it does add to ours. But luckily, I they wake up in enough time that we have some built-in time that like we don't have to be minute by minute. And so I I try to be adaptable with maybe uh hey, there's days all the time that I pick my outfit out and then I don't like the way it feels or the way it's fitting. And so just trying to have grace for her and be adaptable to what she needs within her structure, right? Like she has to wear tennis shoes to school, so that's her structure is hey, you can't actually wear your sandals. So that is like my hard line, but you can wear any tennis shoe you want.
SPEAKER_02:So what do you guys think about the after you know something goes sideways and you have to add up and do something different, having a conversation, just going over what happened and talking about kind of an after-action review type thing. What do you think? How do you think that would help?
SPEAKER_01:You know, I do that so much. I try really hard to like, and even when I mess up, I'm like, well, mom could have done after thinking about how today went, mom could have done this differently. Are there any things you think you could have done differently as today played out? And so I think it's always good to review. The funny thing is, I think we as adults always do that in our head, right? And so for them, it's smart to like outline it with them verbally, like, hey, and then a lot of times they'll say, Well, mom, it's like even this weekend, I was sharp with my kids and I said, Hey, I'm so sorry for how I spoke this weekend. And my and my daughter was like, Mom, you've already apologized, it's sober. We've already talked about it. And so I think a lot of times what you find is they can even give you some insight into what could have been different. So I do think that there's a lot of benefit to critical thinking through a situation.
SPEAKER_03:So we would go on trips, day trips, weekend trips, and we would sometimes even just after activities, and I would always say, What did we do well today? What do we need to work on for next time? And so, like this trip that this day that I created so much disruption with the boys that evening, we start, you know, what went well today. And they said we got to have their big thing was we got to have a say and what we were doing. And then they talked about some of the activities. What could we have worked on next time? We could have been front loaded, we could have had, you know, some input. So um I think it's important, not just for our kids, but for us to do that too. Because I I thought I was doing a good thing for them, right? And it blew up and was one of the worst things I could have done for them.
SPEAKER_02:So when things do go sideways, how do you decide when to stick with the plan versus just to let it let things go and and change and adapt?
SPEAKER_01:It depends on what it is, I would say, because it depends on if I if I if we really need to make it and we need to do it, then it's probably like, hey, I'm gonna pick the battle, right? Like I always say it's parenting's a lot like marriage, like you got to pick your battles and what's willing you're willing to dig in. Or if it's something that I can be let let go of, or even and and you know, sometimes it's even them. Like I don't like to be late, and my husband's ex-military, so he's very much we can't be late. And so we always leave way in advance. But even this morning, I was running a little late, carpal was late, and then my daughter was having a hard time this morning and she was bawling, and then I got a call that somebody wanted me there faster. And so I was like, okay, I need to remember because my anxiousness, me, is hey, I need to get there, and regardless of how she's feeling. But she's tearful about being here today and doing daycare. And so I decided I'm just gonna let give her her hug and be, and if it takes me extra five minutes, it takes me extra five minutes, but I have to have grace for her, or else she won't have grace for others, right? And so I think it really is depending on what my kids need and what it is that we're getting to, and is it something I have to let go of too, right? So I for me it's that was I usually like being on time, so that's a me thing though. That's not she has no awareness of me being late.
SPEAKER_03:So yeah, I think we have to decide what's important for us as a family, what that whatever it is, it it would depend on what the what the activity is or what the decision is. But I think you I would I'm usually the one that would be most likely hardcore stick to the plan. Like we plan this, this is what we're doing. And so it would be me more likely that would have to step back and adjust. And I think we would just have to decide what as a unit what's best for us as a whole instead of what's gonna make me feel better.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, a few years ago, we were going up to Nebraska for Christmas, and I hadn't seen my family in a long, long time. And we had all kinds of Christmas plans. We were gonna go to the Polar Express in the Black Hills, we were gonna do all kinds of crazy things, and it was gonna be an awesome Christmas. And like the storm of the century closed down all of Colorado and Kansas, and there was no way to get up to up to Nebraska from down here in Texas. And I wanted to, I was trying to figure out every single way just to stick with it. We were gonna figure a way to get through it, but at one point it just came down to you have to keep everybody safe and be good to do it. So even though sometimes it's hard, it's it's okay to just kind of let those things go. And we figured things out and had a good Christmas here. But yeah, I think you always gotta incorporate safety into that too, even though those cherished things you want to do just are really hard to let go.
SPEAKER_03:Especially holiday plans. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:So what mindset shifts, what mindset shifts help parents avoid feelings like they've failed when the calendar doesn't go perfectly?
SPEAKER_01:You know, I think even that example, Josh, I love to be with my family at Christmas. And my husband is more of he's our family unit is which is me too, but I love my like sister in love, and she loves Christmas like me. And so I'm like, I just want to be with her every year. But then I think I have to realize like what's best for us, and that every year might not work out. And so I think I had to shift to what is best for the family unit kind of thing, instead of saying, like, and is it my cherished belief or is it what's best for us? Right. And so I think if they had a good time, and sometimes I think that like I laugh because me and my husband always joke that my kids, I set up this water pouring station outside and they play for hours to do with it. And it's literally stuff I got at Dollar Tree. And my husband's like, why aren't we that simple anymore? That like that's all that entertains them. And I'm like, I know, but and so for me, like they to me, it's not that big of a deal, but to them it's the world, right? And so I think it shifting that did your kids have a good day and did you get something that, like, did you get to have a self-care day? Like, right, what is your priorities and what do you need? And and not looking at because you're probably gonna get upset or you're probably gonna have a bad day and the calendar's not gonna go the way it is. But overall, do you feel like you're building the life you want for you and your family?
SPEAKER_02:All right. So let's finish by talking about communicating. So everyone's on the same page. So, what strategies do you recommend for ensuring that both parents or caregivers are aligned and on the same page when it comes to their family calendar?
SPEAKER_01:This was a hard shift for me. I'm also the planner out of me and my husband. And so I think it was I needed to learn, I got it on the family calendar, but I also have to verbally communicate it and probably a couple of times. I love you, babe, but it is like a couple of times that I have to tell you. But I think that is part of it, and I think not getting frustrated, but I also learned really early on to give him some choice too. I think I am the planner, but like he wants to also like have some like flexibility in it too. And so, like, what is what did you want to do this weekend instead of planning our whole weekend and never asking him what he wanted. And so I've gotten better at saying, like, what are the priority for you, or is there, do you need a haircut this weekend, or do you want to go play golf with some friends? And so trying to figure out what he also needs consider and being considerate of his time and making sure that we are prioritizing what each of us need.
SPEAKER_03:I think an important shift for me was I had to stop seeing it as my calendar and saying it as our calendar, bro. That's so true.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, that's good. So, how do you keep kids informed about the family schedule without feeling like you're overwhelming them?
SPEAKER_01:I think that's so good. At the ages my kids are, my son and I, he will never ask me. I will tell him what he has. And he'll so for them, they don't even know like that Monday through Friday, a lot of times is school days. They'll just say, like, do we have school tomorrow? I'm like, we do have school tomorrow. Because that's how they gauge if they get to stay up a little later or how what tomorrow looks like. But my daughter is a planner like me, and so she always says, usually around dinner time, what do we have tomorrow? What does tomorrow look like for me? And what where are you gonna be? Like if I have to work late and things like that. And so really my daughter kind of jumps the gun on this, but my son, I have to be more and so we go day by day. I don't typically give them now. There is times they are my mom is phenomenal with my kids and they love her, and she doesn't live here, she lives a couple hours away. And so if I know she's coming to visit, I'll say you see Gigi in five sleeps. And so we do it in sleeps, but for the most part, we do day by day because they do get overwhelmed if it's more than that.
SPEAKER_02:I do like what you said about day by day, and I think that evolves as they start to get older. Like when my daughters got into high school, we had to start doing a little bit more than day by day, but it was kind of a in middle school is more just like two or three days at a time. And now that they're in high school and getting ready to go in college, it's week at a time and we're starting to plan month and a time ahead. But I think being flexible with what they're capable of and kind of adjusting as as you go, I think is a good way to kind of think about that.
SPEAKER_03:I think too, those discussions like even though the kids might know what the schedule is gonna be the next day, it may be a routine school day to have that discussion like the dinner table the night before or bedtime the night before. This is what tomorrow's gonna look like. This is what we're looking forward to for the weekend. And I think it's good for them to have things to look forward to as well. Even if they know what the day is gonna be, I think it's important to still have those discussions about it.
SPEAKER_02:No, I think you're absolutely right. There's so many times we have these things that are on our schedule every single week and every single month, and then we have our morning meet, you know, kind of talk what's gonna happen, and they're like, You didn't tell me that was gonna happen to you. So it's good to refresh that. We can't just assume that they're gonna remember because they're teenagers. Yeah. What is the role of family meetings in keeping the calendar transparent and everyone engaged?
SPEAKER_01:You know, I it's funny. I feel like our family meetings end up being at dinner time. So we usually talk about like a high and a low of the day or what went well and for each of them or what we could do better. And then we do kind of talk about as we're how as the calendar goes and what we have that's coming up that we're looking forward to. And so I trying to keep them engaged is really like anything they have going on that they're excited about. And and that kind of varies. My son is really into our chickens right now, and so really if it's anything to do with our chickens, he's very excited to help. And then we just got a puppy, and so he is really trying to like and so anything with that has helped him engage, like who's feeding him. So we're having to take turns, who's feeding him, putting him up every night. So some of that is helping us.
SPEAKER_03:When we had adolescent boys keeping things organized, is every night at dinner we would have to we would ask, what are you what is there anything you need for tomorrow? And so we would have to be sure to have that conversation and so it would avoid early in the morning when things are always chaotic for us. Hey, I need this or I need that. We would have had it all worked out the night before.
SPEAKER_02:I found that having regular family meetings got harder as my girls got older. I still think they were very, very important, but one of the things we started having to do was doing a lot of text messaging, what's going on and sending calendar invites just as reminders to them so that things didn't fall through the cracks. But yeah, the busier they get, the harder it is to kind of keep that all under control and everyone on the same page. So, how would you suggest we handle communication when there's multiple households or there's maybe a co? Parenting situation.
SPEAKER_01:I have several friends that have this, and so they really I think it's mainly through text. I don't think they have a shared calendar, but a lot of theirs is text, or if there is a big event that they both try to go to it at the same time just for the kids, or if that's not feasible, then talking about which ones you're gonna attend and they're gonna attend is kind of how I've seen them navigate it.
SPEAKER_03:Group texts are have been lifesavers for us in some situations. I we do a lot of group texting, um, especially with fam our families. Yes.
SPEAKER_01:We we have a family group too, and my husband has a family group with his. And so it's funny though, that now that we're saying that, I'm not on his and he's not on mine, but it's usually with it's this, it's our core, and so we just but we do try to keep up that way.
SPEAKER_02:And so yeah, group texts are so helpful. Just yeah, course I don't know how we coordinated things before group text, but that is one of the best ways to get everybody on the same page. And I've learned that I gotta make sure, like when my brothers and I are planning things, that I include their wives in the group text because we forget a lot of things. So all right, thank you so much for listening to us today. I'm so glad that you put a permanent spot on your family calendar to listen to Brain-based parenting every week. If you haven't already, please tell all of your friends and family members that they should put it on their schedule as well. As always, you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just make sure you remember and get them back.
SPEAKER_00:Thank you for listening to Brain-Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about CalFarley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarley.org. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.
