Brain Based Parenting
Brain Based Parenting, The Boys Ranch Podcast for families.
We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley’s Boys Ranch has to offer.
Contact us: email
podcasts@calfarley.org
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Brain Based Parenting
Confidence, Competence, And The Power Of Real-World Practice
We unpack how confidence is the courage to use a skill and competence is the skill itself, then show how kids develop both through safe struggle, real responsibility and calm, consistent coaching. Stories from home, school and sports illustrate when to step in, when to step back and how to turn failure into resilience.
• confidence as courage, competence as skill
• failure reframed as data for learning
• real-world tasks with natural consequences
• knowing when to help and when to wait
• language that builds self-belief and grit
• modeling calm confidence under stress
• chunking big tasks to prevent overwhelm
• partnering with teachers, coaches and mentors
Contact:
podcasts@calfarley.org
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Cal Farley Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
SPEAKER_03:Hello and welcome. Today we're going to talk about how to build confidence and competence in children.
SPEAKER_05:To do that today, I'm joined by Sam Cerna, Assistant Administrator of Residential Programs. Danny Pechtel, Executive Director.
SPEAKER_04:Shanna Morgan, Campus Life Supervisor.
SPEAKER_03:All right, let's kick off with our question of the day. So, what non-work skill do you have that you're the most confident and competent in?
SPEAKER_05:This is embarrassing, but I'm going to say it anyway. I I play video games and I like strategic tactical video games where I can use my mind and make tactics. I think I'm really good at that. It's my skill.
SPEAKER_01:That's pretty cool. It's a good skill, Sam. See, I was gonna say mine was annoying my wife, but oh we may have to edit that one. All right. Do a second one just in case. Yeah, do a second one just in case. I I'm not sure, but I don't know, just talking and listening. Which bleeds into work, but yeah, talking and listening. Listening's my skill.
SPEAKER_04:I think mine's similar. I think, yes, work-related and non-work-related. I think mine is connecting with people. I think like I have an ability to read a room to make others feel seen and then like to communicate hard truths with care and baking cookies. I think I'm good at making cookies.
SPEAKER_03:You buried the lead there. So everybody thinks this about themselves, but for me, mine is I think I'm a good driver. I grew up in Wyoming and I can drive on snow, ice, never had any tickets, never been pulled over any of that. So that's I think that's my skill. All right, today we're gonna be talking about confidence and competence with kids. So, how would you define confidence and competence in children and why are they both essential to healthy development?
SPEAKER_04:So I think that confidence gives you the courage to use a skill. I mean, I think competence then gives the kids the skill to succeed. That's well said.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. I I think that when we we talk about confidence and competence in kids, you you have to think about not only does the kid have the thing that you need, but they need to be using it. Like they need to use that skill. So if if they know that they're a good kid and they can make good decisions, are they confident enough to do that in front of their friends at the school? Right. And I think that's part of the confidence and competence is well, yeah, I know they can do that in at home, in this house, in this zone that they think is safe, but are they still confident and competent when you're not around to be able to do that thing? And I think that's when I when I think about parenting or, you know, in this line of work, working with kids, it's great if they can do that when the person that can help them collate regulate is just in the building or the emotional support is there, but can they do it when I'm not? And that's what you want to build in your own kids. Like it's great that Aiden Ants, the way I want him to act around me, but how is he doing it when I'm not there? But that's confidence and competence is those things.
SPEAKER_04:And I think having both having both of them. So competence without confidence, right? That can keep a child from stepping forward or like taking chances, like it keeps them from doing that because they have the competence, but they don't have the competence.
SPEAKER_01:And the other way around just gets them in trouble.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:If they have the confidence but no competence, right?
SPEAKER_05:And I think it's essential because it everybody needs to be good at something, I think. You know, you have to have what's your special thing. And I think if somebody's especially a child is good at something, that's something we can all build off of and then and then uh move to the next thing.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I agree. That's that's important.
SPEAKER_03:So, why is failure such a critical ingredient in building both confidence and competence? And how can parents reframe failure as a normal and even valuable part of learning?
SPEAKER_01:So, this is one of those things where I'm a big believer in this, and in all things, it's how we teach kids to do what they need to do. They need to be able to do that on their own without me telling them how to do and this is one of the things so an example of this. I was in the 3D lab the other day. Richard was showing me all his stuff, but then I watched how Richard was working with the kids, and he explained to the kid how he's gonna look up the thing, and he you load your print up, and this is how you find the whatever, and he does it step by step for the kid. Then he erased all the work and made the kid go back through and do it. And then when the kid got hung up, instead of just giving him the answer, because he's got to move to his next kid, took this time. He's like, he started, he asked him questions to make the kid start thinking through the possible answers, and then let him work around. And it took Richard an extra 15 minutes, I'm sure. It'd been way, and we do that too often. We're way too fast. Like, just do this. But he gave that kid that time to work through that problem. And I think that sometimes as adults, this is the where we fail a little bit, is we want to get through our day and we want this to go right because we don't want their self-esteem to be hurt, and we don't allow them to find their path or find the answer on their own. And there's it's okay for it not to go right. But then that's that's the coachable moment. And that's where they learn to be coachable is hey, look, it's okay to say this didn't go the way I wanted, just gotta figure out how you're gonna do it next time. That's the trick in parenting to me is I want them to go out and as bad as it sounds, I want them to fail. And I want sometimes I want them to fail gloriously in the attempt, right? But then have the confidence to go back and say, okay, that didn't work out the way you wanted. How are you gonna do it differently?
SPEAKER_04:And I think without failure, you don't build resilience, right? Like you can look successful, but then you go and you crumble under the pressure.
SPEAKER_03:I heard a pretty cool quote the other day. It's when you figure things out on your own, you kind of figure out how to figure other things out on your own. And I thought that was really cool that uh you learn skills in figuring things out, and it will help you be more resilient later in life in other tasks. Whereas if someone just does it for you, you never gain that skill and you just depend on other people to do things for you.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, while while Danny was telling this story, I I think about times where people ask me for help. Because sometimes I can do computer things and or what there's things that I know that other people don't know, or shortcuts, or or whatever. And I started thinking about as you were telling that story with about Richard, somehow because of all the fails I've had, and because of the times that I've messed with these computers and done all these things over and over, now I'm able to teach that to somebody else or go, oh, okay, I don't know this system, but I could today I can play around with it and know enough that, oh, okay, I figured it out now. And it's kind of like the last thing I did, you know. I think today we had we had a fire alarm go off in a house, and it's not the same system I used when I was a house parent here. Confidently stride down the hall. I open the door, open the box, sound or silence, done, right? It solves a problem, but it's all bas it's a new problem, but based on old knowledge, we can still fix this new problem, this new obstacle in our way. I think it's the same for kids. If they feel like they can do something, I think I said this earlier, they they feel they can do something and they fail at it. That's okay. The try is what's required to even get a fail. You know, I respect that.
SPEAKER_01:This is why I like some games with kids, like or or some board games and stuff with kids, and I and I want my kids to try different things in the game. Don't don't always play it safe. Do the fun thing. The worst thing happens is we don't win this board game, but you get to figure something out that you can learn something. And I I'm a big believer in giving the kids the chance to be successful or the chance to fail. I mean it's what Lagos are great, right?
SPEAKER_02:Oh, yep.
SPEAKER_01:Because okay, I don't know. Did you build it? How did it work? It fell down. Okay, now what are you gonna do? How are you gonna make it different? What pieces do you have that you can do this a little bit different? And then watch the little minds work. It's just man, it's fun. It's fun.
SPEAKER_03:So, what kind of experiences or responsibilities best help children develop real competence rather than false confidence?
SPEAKER_04:I think real world responsibility. So, like giving children tasks that genuinely matter, right? So my daughter is six, but she her task is feeding our dog and then helping pack her lunch when she wants to take her lunch to school. And I think for some of our kids, so some of our kids, uh our kids that are in school, right? Like managing their homework folder, or we have some who are helping cook simple meals, like teaching them accountability, follow-through, problem solving. Like I think all of that is helping them build the competency to do it rather than just saying, Hey, you can make your lunch, or you can you can make your own lunch if you want to bring it, but then actually having them make their lunch and being responsible for taking it to school. You were building both of those then.
SPEAKER_01:I think that, and I also think it's important for kids to be able to succeed or fail at something that has consequence. And not a consequence like they're in trouble if it goes wrong, but kind of the natural built, hey, you this is your thing, right? So riding a bike's a great one, right? And of course, there's that thing as your parent the first time they try to ride and you're trying to keep them from falling, and you no, you gotta let them fall. You gotta let them fall. And that's that's a hard thing as a parent, but it's how they learn. And we don't want to take those things away. But also, like I I was always a big believer in letting the kids build things, making sure it doesn't get too unsafe. But what what what are you building and see if it works? And oh, it falls down. And the great way with littles to do that is they build the blanket for it in the living room.
SPEAKER_02:Yep.
SPEAKER_01:Right, and they want to build it bigger and taller, and they have to experiment with what's gonna hold it up. And as an adult, you want to run in and say, Oh, if you add these pillows here and do whatever it'll hold, nope, no, let them figure out if the stuffed giraffe will hold the weight.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, that develops those critical thinking skills and cause and effect and all that. That's so good. I love that. How can parents tell when to step in to help versus when to step back and let their children work through something?
SPEAKER_04:I mean, I think initially when safety's at risk, I mean, obviously, if someone is going to get hurt, you need to step in. I also think when you see that they have genuinely tried it and they've just hit a wall and they just need some help. Or when the problem is developmentally beyond what they would be capable or successful in doing by themselves. Like, are we setting them up for failure, expecting them to be able to handle it by themselves if developmentally they just can't yet?
SPEAKER_05:I think of uh when my grandsons lived with me when they were they were young and I was teaching um the the youngest, you know, how to get dressed every day. Because I at some you're doing it for them at first, but then you're like, I think he's ready, I think he can make this thing work. And I I laughed because he used to get so frustrated trying to get that shirt over his big head. You know, he's gonna hear this one day. But it was so funny. And you know, finally he just kind of uh he he'd throw a fit and everything, hey, you can do this. We've done it before. I fit it over your head every week. That's you can do it. And so finally he pops it out. He's crying, his hair's a mess. And then every every time that shirt or whatever shirt came around, we we do it every day, right? And so now it's it before you know it, you're not arguing about it anymore. It's not fighting. And one day we laughed because I don't know, we bought a new shirt, it was too small, and he had the same problem again, and it probably his head popped through, but this time we laughed about it together. I said, Hey, hey, remember when we that used to frustrate you? He's like, Yeah, I know grandpa, but now we got it, you know? And like, yes, you're awesome, right? You get it, you do it, it's not a problem. And so we remember when we struggled and now he knew he could do it. Really cool.
SPEAKER_01:I think the true answer to this question, too, is just like with the kids, as a parent, sometimes you figure it out because you did it wrong. That and I think I think that's one of those things, and that's the hard part about, but you gotta be honest with yourself as a parent because you're learning, just like the kids are learning. You are is that step back and should I have let them work through that or should I stepped in sooner? And you're gonna, if you think about it, you're it's gonna go back and forth. Or with me sometimes, I know if it's at the end of the day and I've been at work and I'm tired. There are times where I'm just wanting to get through the task and I'm not taking the time to let them learn. I just want to get the dishes done, right? And then I have to step back and think, no, I tomorrow I'm gonna be more patient. They need to, they need to figure this one out. But sometimes you learn by failing at this task. That's that's how you learn when to step back and when not to. Yeah. And that's okay as a parent.
SPEAKER_03:So, what role do everyday parent-child interactions play in shaping a child's self-belief or sense of capability?
SPEAKER_01:The biggest role? How we do that and how we handle that does a lot for our kids. And also, when it goes wrong when we're not there, how we respond to that later does a lot. But also, one of the things we have to remember as parents, the way they learn this the best is watching us do what we do when we don't think they're watching. How I handle my frustration on something going sideways when I'm working on the yard, that teaches my kids something. I think that's a part of the role, not on our interaction with them, but our interaction that they watch. I mean, how do you handle traffic? How do you handle those different things? You're teaching your kids something about that. And in some ways, that's as important as your interaction with them, building that sense of belief and capability and how to work people, how do you do hard things? They see us do that.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, I agree with that. You know, I I remember a story from my childhood. It's one of my earliest memories, is I I didn't think this was a big deal, but I it was a cup. Uh the yellow cups, you might well, older people remember this, but they used to have cups and they would they have a smiley face, say have a happy day on them. So I'm sitting at the table and I read this cup, and I did I just say it out loud, have a happy day. And I think I'm I don't know if I'm in kindergarten, I don't remember what time frame, but I remember the excitement my mom got. She says, You can read that? Do that again. And I did it again. And then she started bringing me other stuff. And now she's trying to test how much I know. And I don't even know if I'm in kindergarten at this point. She told me I was talking before. Anyway, but the excitement is the thing I remember the most. It's one of my earliest things I remember of being valuable. And it always tells me, Hey, you're Sam, you're smart, you know, and things. So you're gonna be a lawyer one day, which I did not want to do. Um, but you know, I think that's our role as parents. Hey, let's find what our kids are good at and let's make them feel good about it. And even when we're not good at things, I know it could always draw on, yeah, I'm pretty smart, you know, at least for me. But that excitement is something I'm never gonna forget about my mom. And I talk about my mom a lot on this podcast. She doesn't even hear the podcast. But uh, I think that's that's our role. Help them out and also be real with them. Hey, we can do better next time. We can do that's how they're gonna grow and learn.
SPEAKER_04:So I am really big on words. And so I think that words matter. Um, I think that language shapes self-beliefs. So I know me personally, like I internalize words that are said to me. So when someone has comments or feedback for me, like I sit with that for a long time and kind of internalize that. Um so I'm really big on encouraging language, um, encouraging talk because I think that it teaches kids to have the mindset of I can do hard things and not so much the mindset of I have to be perfect, I have to behave in this certain way and give perfection for me to feel loved.
SPEAKER_01:And I think something you said there was important the ability to say to your kids, this is how we do hard things.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So one of the things I was thinking about when we were doing this is my daughter loves like water slides and roller coasters until she's first on it. And we have those, those conversations. And I remember this last time. It's just that edge that first time we go down and this year we were we were getting ready to go on one that she knew she wanted to go on, but then she stalls up right as we're about to go, and I was like, we can do hard things. And she's like, We can do hard things. And I was like, remember last time we were in the same spot, and once we went off and we went, she's like, it was fun. I was like, but remember, she's like, we can do hard things. I was like, so the hard thing is just going. Once we're going, it's okay.
SPEAKER_04:So that's our that's our thing. Mine and my daughters, like, and she'll tell me sometimes, and I'll tell her, like, you can be scared and brave at the same time. Like you can be afraid to do something hard, and still you can do it.
SPEAKER_01:And they need that message. And I think it's important as adult, you know, you don't want to do this in an unsafe way. You need to do those experiences with your kid, right? Like, how can we have this experience? And in this moment where it's tough, we're not gonna back out of it, we're safe, but we're gonna have this conversation about doing hard, and it's okay because there'll be a point where they're an adult and life gets hard, and you go back to that moment and you've built that time and that relationship of we can do hard things. This, I know this right now isn't fun, but we just gotta get through it. We can do hard things.
SPEAKER_03:So, this is kind of maybe an odd question, but I think it's important. Why is it so important for children to feel capable and not just loved or praised?
SPEAKER_01:Because they need to know it's real. If they're just loved and praised, then we're doing all of their things and we're raising their children.
SPEAKER_05:I don't know if this is right, but also at some point you you kind of get called into the carpet by the world. If you say you can do things and other kids, for example, are gonna tell you to prove it. And if you think you're the best football player or the or you're great at puzzle or whatever it is that you just announced because your parents just tell you that, the world's gonna tell you, hey, that might not be true. And that's that's a hard pill to swallow. That's why I think you you gotta be, you gotta teach kids to be good at stuff. They gotta have the one thing. There's always somebody better than you, maybe, unless you're the world champ at something. But they also gotta know that. But hey, you're good at this. Do it, be part of the team. It's not all about us and and you.
SPEAKER_04:I mean, I think that the love and praise, I mean, I think those are essential. I think that's what helps kids feel safe. I think that's what helps them feel valued. But I think feeling capable is what helps you feel powerful. It's what helps you feel independent. Like I think when we feel capable, I mean, I'm not even just gonna say children. I think when we feel capable, like we don't just think somebody believes in me. We know I can do that. I can do that hard thing.
SPEAKER_01:And I think capable comes with coaching. I I think, and I'm gonna be overanalyzing the way we phrase this question. But there's this idea that I love and praise and everything's always good, but I don't ever help you with the thing that that you need to work on. Or you gotta be able to look at something, you know. One of the things I tell my kids is you have to be able to honestly look and see what went bad if you're gonna fix it. If it if it didn't go the way you wanted, you have to back up and see what went wrong and realize maybe I had and what did I do that contributed to what went wrong so that you can fix it and do better tomorrow. And if you can't recognize that, that's part of building capability, you know, and and it doesn't mean that we denigrate them and it doesn't mean whatever, but it's okay. It's okay to be coachable and still be loved and still be praised. But also we can talk about the thing that didn't go the way we want it to, so that we can make it, because if you can't recognize that, you can't make it go better next time.
SPEAKER_03:And one of my favorite sayings is you only floss the teeth you want to keep. If you just give sugar, sugar, sugar all the time, that tastes great, but at some point you're gonna rot out all your teeth. We don't flossing isn't fun, it isn't you know exciting, but it is essential and does make you stronger in the long run. So there's a time and a place for everything. There's time for sweets and there's a time for to floss. All right. So what happens when kids grow up lacking competence or confidence, and how does that show up in their teen and adult years?
SPEAKER_04:I feel like this one hits a little hard because I don't feel like I really grew into my competence or confidence until I was probably in my adult years. So I think like as a teen, I probably avoided challenges, right? Like I would rather not risk take. And so, like the example of that. So like I grew up playing volleyball, like love volleyball. It's still my favorite sport. Anytime a kid wants to do something, I'm like, I would love to go beat you in volleyball. But when I was in high school, so when I was a junior, I moved to schools and I remember the vault I met with a volleyball coach at the new school and he said, I mean, you can try out, but I already have my team. Like I know who I want. And that just shut it down for me. And I was like, I'm not even gonna try. Like I love the sport, I know that I am good at it, but like I didn't have the confidence. If I wasn't going to be successful, I just wasn't gonna do it because I didn't want to fail. And then I think like you were I was constantly seeking like approval or validation. So ultimately, I think without confidence, you live small, even though you're capable of living big.
SPEAKER_05:And a lot of things can happen. You know, there's lots of insecurities built in there, and that creates all kinds of other problems that create adults, problems with other adults, and or just living life as you're just not good at a lot of things or not confident. Like your example was actually very good because yeah, I could be great at some stuff, but somebody shut me down and I can't now I'm not even sure I could do that, or I can't do this, and then we don't try. And that that's a terrible place to be in, and you know, as a as an adult. It makes it just a little bit harder for an adult. One example I thought about was, you know, in I grew up in a real small town, and so I I knew everything about the town, I knew what I was good at, I knew my place there. And then when I moved to kind of a bigger town, uh, this is not it, but Amarillo is so much bigger, and I know less people and all so my confidence isn't it wasn't as high, you know, just leaving where I was so where I knew my place to go to a place where I wasn't sure, and especially coming to work in a place like this where everybody's already ahead of you, and you're trying to figure out you know the world. And some of the confidence my mom gave me, like I said before, is okay, I can be good at some things. I know what I'm good at. Let me focus on those and push. And the things I wasn't, I had to I had to ask for help. Luckily, I was able to do do that, uh, ask for some help and and uh had some good mentors around me, people that cared enough. Like Danny, you said, Hey, I'm good at connecting, you're you're good at connecting and talking. Those people found me because I'm not that. They found me and were like, hey, we noticed you're struggling. Hey, you know, okay, yeah, I am, and we got to do better, you know. I don't know. I I do want to say that I think people will people will struggle greatly if they're not feeling good at something or if they're not.
SPEAKER_04:Well, and I think an important piece though is you talked about people pulling it out, right? Like they noticed it in you and went to you and kind of pulled some of that out. Because I think that it's so sad sometimes, because we see it with our older teens here, they downplay their strengths. So we know that they are skilled and we know that they are competent, but they just don't believe it. And like, how gut-wrenching is that to like watch every day to know that like they have the ability and the strength to be successful in this, but they downplay their strengths so much they need someone to go and call it out in them.
SPEAKER_01:And I think so. When we talk about, and you you touched on this earlier, Shannon, with one of the other questions. We talked about what happens when they don't have confidence or comp they crumble. When it gets hard, they they crumble. Like part of competence and confidence and learning to move through failure gives you that thing that. It's gonna turn out right. That that thing in you. Okay, we got this. Right. They they they need that so that they can boldly move forward. And even if they're not sure, they have to be able to do that hard thing or overcome that hard thing, right? That it keeps keeps when the volleyball coach says, I got my team pick. Confident confidence we want our kids is for them to say, I'm about to show you.
SPEAKER_02:Like you got you thought you did.
SPEAKER_01:You thought you did, but you haven't seen me play yet, right? And not in a cocky way.
SPEAKER_02:That would have been nice.
SPEAKER_01:But but in that internal, you know, oh, you just made me mad about this. You know, but that comes in in life too, right? When when it feels like life's kicking you around, they've got to have that strength. Otherwise, they just falter and they get lost. And we we don't want them to be lost. So some of that confidence and confidence gives them that little bit of feistiness. You know, now sometimes with kids, that competence and confidence is what makes the hard the job so hard, right? You know, or or so difficult in those long nights where you're just done with them. You're right. We get there as parents, but you still want them to have that that strength because there's life's not always easy. And sometimes the mistake we I think we make with competence and confidence in kids is we want them to feel like everything's always gonna be good. And then I know this is bad, but life is really and we're not honest in that no, there will be a point someday where I'm not around and it's going to be hard like this again. And you have to know how to make it through this because I'm not always gonna be there to get you through this. And you have to have inside you what it takes to do this.
SPEAKER_03:So, how can parents encourage effort and growth without creating pressure or perfectionism?
SPEAKER_01:Okay, so I'm gonna take a swing at this one. It goes back to the earlier answer. Sometimes this is trial and error. And and I know that's not the great answer, but there's a little bit of truth to that. Always looking at am I pushing too hard? Am I creating something I don't want? But also it's how you approach sometimes some of it's kid personality. Yeah, they may already have a little bit of this in themselves, but sometimes it's the approach and how I handle what happened or didn't happen, how much pressure is healthy, and am I doing it in a safe way? Because if I come across in the wrong way where it feels demeaning to the kid, I'm more likely to build these things. If I can use the relationship, and this comes from a place where it's generally loving and I have your best interests in heart and it's gonna be okay. I I think it helps you alleviate some of this. But the truth is there are some kids that are a little bit more prone to that perfectionism thing, right? Even without the correction from the adult, they're already there. And you gotta balance that out. You you gotta know that in your kid. Is that where they are? Or some kids are the opposite. They're gonna need a little more push and pressure. You know, and I know on our two, I know that the push and pressure that Aiden gets and the push and pressure that Shelby gets has to be different because their personalities are dynamically. Dynamically different. You know, with each kid, you find it and then you realize and you talk it over and you decide, was it too much? Is it not enough? When do I push? When do I pull back? You always have to evaluate yourself on that. You're never gonna be right where you want. It's a continuum.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, and I think how how parents can do this, maybe just create opportunities. I I I don't know, because I don't see, like you said, I don't see how you try to encourage something and don't create a little pressure because use stress is a thing, right? We grow through a little bit of stress. But I thought about just creating opportunities. So getting your kids into a little basketball league or something. It's like kind of not optional. We're hey, this is I signed y'all up, we're paying money, we're going. Right? And all you gotta do is see it through. I don't you don't gotta be the best player. I you just gotta see it through. Whatever that is, right? Just create an opportunity with band, music, whatever you think they might be good at or not, just or a team sport. Whatever it is that you want to just you gotta create an opportunity. Because I I noticed with my kids, if I asked, it's generally gonna be the lazy answer. It's gonna be no, no, I don't feel like it. No, I don't want to do it. And those like teenagers, kid, my my kid and the little when they were little, they didn't care as much. They want to do everything. Once we came teenagers, I had to add, I had to create opportunities for them. Hey, we're gonna go do this. Hey, we're gonna go volunteer here. Hey, we're gonna be part of this thing. And then you want to do it or not, didn't matter. This is what we're doing. Let's get it, let's get it done. I need you to introduce yourself to this this group and teach them all the things. This is how we're gonna be successful today. Let's get through it. I'm not an extrovert either. We don't want to do this either, but we gotta all do this is what we signed up. That makes sense. I mean that's uh it is.
SPEAKER_04:Listen, I super appreciate y'all's answers because just hearing the question, I was like, no idea how to answer this, but like the commentary of it, like I think that encouraging growth without pressure is about because it doesn't happen overnight. So I think it's that is about valuing the journey over the destination. Like, so we are teaching the kids and helping the kids learn that like effort is meaningful, right? Like just putting forth the effort is the first step, like that gives it the meaning, and then the mistakes, okay. Like mistakes are okay, mistakes happen. Like I make mistakes every day, and so the kids being able to know that, right? Like that's that perfectionism piece of you're gonna mess up. Like we're gonna mess this up. We don't have it right, and then them knowing that they can improve on that without needing to be perfect in the first place.
SPEAKER_01:And I think pressure isn't always a bad thing.
SPEAKER_04:Agreed.
SPEAKER_01:It's it's are we applying enough and where is it at? And then noticing the if they're getting bogged down with perfectionism and talking them through that. But there's times where we create the pressure, and there's also times where it's and we don't talk about this all the time. When when do you push adolescents and when you're not? There's if any comedy, John Hughes comedy from the 80s, you're gonna have that moment where the the the trope of the teenager that doesn't want to do anything and gets drug along on the thing with the family, but they end up having fun. That that's part of adolescent development, and you gotta know when to push. But they're of course they're gonna resist. No, they don't want to go, and then when you get to the baseball game, they're gonna have the best time ever. They're gonna get in the car, and halfway home, they can talk about how much they fun they had, and then they realize that they weren't supposed to like it, and then they start to complain. It's it's part of adolescence.
SPEAKER_04:Well, and I think that that was a good, like, I mean, I agree with that. Like, pressure isn't all pressure isn't bad, but I think we have to self-reflect a lot of what kind of pressure are we giving. I know I am a competitive person. My daughter is not. Like, she is when I sign her up for sports, she is there to hang out with her friends, she is there to have conversation. Like, she is six and she will make friends anywhere we go. I signed you up for basketball for you to learn how to play basketball and win the game, right? So I have to reel it back in a little bit because is the pressure that I'm putting on her, even if I if it's coming across as positive pressure, or is it I don't want to be embarrassed? And so I'm trying to hold her to a standard, right, of my perfectionism or my wanting her to be successful in this versus holding her to a level of pressure that's teaching her like skill and accountability. And so I think this is one that you like have to have a lot of self-reflection. I know from conversations with Josh that he is very similar in this with his children, and there were times that he was asked, stay quiet while we're in here. But like, right? Like some of that is the pressure that we are putting on them, but in what way are we putting that pressure on them?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and I think there's times for that. So, like kind of talking about that, I I was super competitive. I I experienced some Sarah because I was I was super competitive. Like, I did not want to be last, it was just something, and Aiden is the opposite of me. So we had, and of course, I called him out of track meet in front of everybody. So there was a cross-country meet this year, and we we I would move to different spots so I could treat me along the way because he's running, you know, two miles as hard as he can, right? And so I'm at the one mile mark and he's behind what I think he should be. And as he hits the one mile mark, he's running beside another kid that's his friend talking. And I'm like, dude, you're in a race. Like in the as he's running by, I was like, You're racing. This is not conversation pace. Pick it up, bud. And he looked at me and he smiled, and then he took off running, right? And in the second, so the first mile he runs in nine minutes. Second mile, he runs in about seven. He finishes at 16 minutes and he crosses the line. And I was like, better, like, better. And of course, you know, our our coach, our our our junior high cross country coach, she's phenomenal. Tasha is like, Oh, Ing, you're so good. I was like, No, he was loafing on you. Like, he was talking at half a mile, he wasn't giving enough effort, but you need to pick it up. Yeah, no, but he needed that, and and of course, he smiled at me, and so and he knew, right? And so, and we we talk about that, and we had to have a talk about okay, I know you're wanting to spend time with your friends and talk to your friends and whatever. You can do that all week during practice, but when we're at the meet, there's a time to run, and that was the time to run, bud.
SPEAKER_05:Out of all that story, you know what I got of that? You were there. I was there, man. And you know, I you know, when you're when your family tears you on, whether that push was because of what you said or because you're there, man, you get to show off a little bit right now in front of my family, man. And that's so cool. Well done.
SPEAKER_01:That's but I think that's the other part, and we'll talk about that here with the kids on the ranch. Like what that favorite quote and and that that my uh Pasino dropped on me was Cal Farley once said, What good does it do for a kid to hit a home run if nobody's there to see it? And I think that's that's the big part of building confidence and confidence is when they take, are you there? Are you there? And that's hard because we're so busy and we're so overscheduled. And right, we don't want to turn this into the X Generation podcast, but are are are we are kids overscheduled? Are we too busy? And how can we be there and not on our phone or not wherever, or I'm overscheduled, I got too much work to do. We have to be there.
SPEAKER_03:So when a child is anxious, timid, or afraid to try new things, what are some effective ways that parents can help them build some confidence?
SPEAKER_04:This is one that I think Cal Farley's does very well. I think we talk about this one a lot in our trainings. Um and we phrase it as being accommodating and meeting the child where they're at. I sat in a meeting yesterday um at the school, and so the school phrases it as chunking. So, like we were talking about needing to meet, needing accommodations for a kid. He was given this really big task and he wasn't successful in doing it. And so, like, he didn't have the confidence to get this giant paper done. And so when we met and talked about it, they said, Hey, we need to chunk his assignments, right? And so what that meant is they needed to break up that large task into small bite-sized pieces that were easier for him to handle because then he wasn't looking at a 12-page packet that he needed to get done, right? He was looking at one page at a time. And so I think they did that super beautifully too of meeting him where he was at and giving those accommodations of how can we get him to be successful in this while still building his confidence. Like he had the competency to do the project, right? He needed the confidence to get it done because it looked really scary, but it wasn't, it really wasn't when we broke it up into the pieces that he could handle at a time.
SPEAKER_01:And I think kind of related to how we talk about things and train things, this kind of goes with those TBRI concepts. You got to co-regulate before you can regulate. And it's the same with tasks. We're on the water slide, we're we're getting ready to go. Shelby's nervous, so we got to co-regulate before she can regulate on our own. We we gotta be able to have that conversation as the adult and the kid together. Hey, we got this. It's gonna be okay. I know you're nervous. I'm nervous too. It's it's part of it. We learn to work through these things together, but you gotta do with so they can do without. That's the start of it is to do it with and have that conversation with your kid. Very high level. Yeah, I know you're nervous. It's okay. I'm nervous too. But we're gonna we're gonna do this, you know.
SPEAKER_04:And I think we I think we phrase that sometimes with our staff here, right? We call it side by side, like do some side by side activities with them. So whether that is you going alongside them to help teach them that skill, help build that confidence while they try that new thing, or if you're going along side by side them just so they have someone there. So like on the water slide, right? You're side by side, and really you're the safety net, right? Dad's there, so I'm safe while they learn to complete the task and like build their confidence in them.
SPEAKER_03:You mentioned TBRI. Another, another principle of TBRI is being able to lower raise the bar as needed. This very literal sense of it. My my oldest daughter, she her goal, her, I guess it was her junior year of high school, was to set the school record for high jump. And in practice, she would clear the the record every single time and ever had a problem. But every time she'd get to the meet, she would get to the height and she would just hit it. She couldn't, she couldn't clear the bar ever. So her coach in practice said, We're no longer gonna practice clearing the record. You're gonna go down four inches from that. You're just gonna practice that and practice that and practice that. And she just did that over and over and over until she got so confident in the skills that once we got to the meet, she finally aced it and exceeded the the record. But I just think that's so important that we just look at where what they can we don't if sometimes we set bars too high and then we think we just have to stick with it, stick with it. But sometimes you gotta lower it, get them confident at that level before they can move on and clear the bar later. Does that make sense?
SPEAKER_05:It does. I mean, I feel like you gotta teach basics. Yeah, you know, if it's a new task, they're not gonna know anything about it. So we gotta be with them, teach basics, maybe some breathing techniques. So, how do we how do we get less anxious? How do we calm down at least so we can think straight? Um, things like that. But yeah, I really like that analogy. Or actually that that story uh that you just told.
SPEAKER_03:So, how can parents model self-confidence and resilience in a way that their kids naturally learn from?
SPEAKER_01:It's okay to sit let them know how you feel. If that hasn't become apparent already in this podcast, I like to do adventure things with my kids. I like to press that a little. And so when we did the zip lines last night in the dark, but there's a point where we're walking out on that platform, of course, it's night and you can't see very well, and they got fog, and it's and in the day, I'm pretty confident with that zip line. But it's been a while since, but last night I was just nervous getting out on it. Like, I'm normally not nervous, but it it got last night it got me. And of course, then Cale's making jokes, of course, and and we're both laughing. But it was okay in that moment for Aiden to see that I was nervous, and he's like, You're nervous on this one? He's like, Come on, this is what you do. I'm like, I know. I was like, I was like, but hey, sometimes even as an adult, um, it's okay to be nervous. It's okay to be nervous. I was like, but we're still gonna get this done, right? And he's like, Oh yeah, we got it. And then we sat down and we did that together, but it's okay for them sometimes to see that I'm nervous or I'm stressed, or I don't know the answer, but I can find my way through and almost talk that through with them, right? Like, you know, if we're working on the car and we, you know, and I'm not exactly sure how that works. Let me look at it. And and them see me not know, then go search the answer and role model that that teaches them it's okay to not know. How do I go find the answer? And we have to sometimes we think as parents, we have to be this thing and always get it right. And the kids always have to know we get it right. It's okay to be honest that I'm nervous or I'm scared or this stresses me out, or I don't know, figure it out. And then see us figure that out together or work through that together. I think that's part of teaching them how to do hard things is to let them know when it's hard for you.
SPEAKER_05:I mean, I my kids knew when we had some setbacks. As once as they got older, they were more aware of some setbacks in the world money, whatever it is. You know, we're honest about it. Hey, did this happen? This is how we this is how we're planning to take care of it, and this is what we're doing, and and they're they're along with us, right? Hey, we got to cut a little bit of spending here. We got into some debt, let's let's get and uh that was just one period of our life. And our kids were teenagers at that point. They're like, hey, why aren't we going out to eat as much? Yeah, because we're trying to save some money. Probably wanna we want to do better for us in the future. And we had come to the the light, right, about debt. And so they but they were along for the ride with us too. Now they didn't suffer a whole bunch, you know. Uh, Cal Fortress takes care of us pretty good here. But I I think that them seeing my wife and I talked through the problem, realized we had a problem, talked through it, and then come aligned together, I think was a good step for them. Because what I also knew I was doing at the same time was how I handle this, they're gonna watch. They're they're 13, 15. They know, they know what's going on. One day, hopefully they're gonna well not hopefully, but they they're gonna have a challenge with their spouse, and how are we gonna get together and do it? Because this is about to become a big source of stress for the entire family if we don't, if we don't take care of uh of our money situation. And so we got through it, the kids got to see it, and it was really, really, really a neat experience for them.
SPEAKER_04:Well, I just thought of obviously a phrase that we've all probably heard um a hundred times, and I like to reframe it to be the opposite, right? Like I think kids learn far more from what we do rather than what we say, right? Like you always hear the phrase, do what I say, not what I do. But like even in the examples, right, of your kids, like you learn so much more from what we do rather than what we say. And I go back, Josh will relate to this. So this last weekend we ran a race, right? We had this 5K, and at the end, I was soaking wet because it was like raining, it was sprinkling on us the whole time. But when you're running three and a half miles, you're very wet by the end of that. Um, and so I remember I finished and my face is red and my ankle hurts, and I'm like limping over. And Kinsley said, Mom, why did you do that? Because my six-year-old will always hit me where it hurts. Girl is so honest. And she said, You didn't have to run. And like that is one of the things that kicked in of like, hey, but we can do hard things. Like, yes, could I have practiced more and trained for it where it would have been a little easier? Absolutely. But like in that moment, she got to see, like, I was honest. I said, Hey, like, I'm gonna be honest, that was really hard. You are right. I could have not, I could have not done it, but it was something that's important to me. A little side, the race, yes, while that is important. It's one of the it's a Ronald McDonald race. Kinsley was a preemie. She was in the Nikki forever. So it is a thing that is very near and dear to my heart anyway. And so that will be something that she will get to grow up, kind of learning the passion behind of why we support this organization, why we run this race. Hey, I'm running for you, sister. Like it is extremely hard, but like we push ourselves to do hard things and being authentic about that, right? Like, I think modeling confidence and resilience is about living authentically in front of our children.
SPEAKER_05:You know, also, Shanna, you and I, actually everybody in this room, in fact, has done peeking, uh pulling the curtain back for our listeners. You know, we had this task called on call. We have to respond to whatever it is that that person is calling for. Something simple, but most of the time it's not. They're calling us by the time we're showing up to a place. You can imagine things on fire. I mean, there's chaos, there's, you know, in us as adults, right, for whatever reason, we're we're confident in our skills. We walk in, get this crazy place and get it calm. And here's my point the kids get to see that, right? And I th I tell stories, I won't go into it here, but about, you know, times when I've gone into homes and I've helped calm kids down or helped this one kid. And then I go into that same home later. That kid ends up helping you a little bit by whether leaving the situation or saying, hey, he's got it, I'm confident. So when the kids can see that we're confident at things, they know we're gonna take care of them. You know, and I know that's specific to childcare, but I also I can equate that to my mom. Also, my mom took care of stuff. I was not worried about my food. I wasn't worried about my mom's gonna take care of things, she was gonna make ends meet. You know, I did my part by watching my my brothers while she had to go work. You know what I mean? Is so when kids see adults be confident and hey, everything's gonna be cool, we're running, we're going through a hard time. Well, we got we got this. And here's how you can help. That's what you said, Shanna. They see it. We don't have to talk about it. They they see it in us, and that's the model right there.
SPEAKER_01:Well, I think you brought something else up that leans into this whole thing. When you when you go in a house and your calm is contagious, but your confidence is contagious too. Yeah. And I think we need to remember that. That calm confidence becomes contagious. And that calm confidence, even when it goes wrong, and you your ability to shake it off and say, okay, they didn't go the way I want, shift gear, we're gonna be fine. Your kids pick that up. And that's part of what we model with our kids is that calm confidence.
SPEAKER_03:So, what role do teachers, coaches, and mentors play in developing confidence and competence and how can parents partner with them effectively?
SPEAKER_05:They got a different role than we do as parents. You know, it's not always the fun role. Like coaches, I don't I don't envy a coach, but you know, mentors and all that, they you know, they don't got the consequence thing that we got to do or the responsibility of this kid's actions being on me, things like that. So I I respect that they're there, they're another resource for my child. But uh also we're at odds though, if if I'm at odds with that what that person is doing, or maybe because of my personal belief doesn't mean they're doing anything wrong. I you know, it's just whatever it is, that's gonna create some contention. I think partnering with other adults is a good way for kids to see how how do I partner with others, things like that. This is my example.
SPEAKER_01:I think I think it's a really important piece. And I think having the right competent adults around your kids, especially as they hit adolescence and we're not cool anymore, I I think that's important. To have to have a voice that you can partner with and mirror and reaffirm your message to kids is good. But part of that is making sure that the adults you're surrounding them with are the adults you want to surround them with. And that that's uh, you know, that's that's part of the hard stress, keep you up at night as parents is you don't always control the adults that are in your kids' lives. But when you have those good adults in your kids' lives, partnering and building those relationships is important.
SPEAKER_03:It's kind of funny. My daughters were athletes that are at the ranch, and there was often times I would go and you know, try and talk to them about different things about life. They would just roll their eyes and like, yeah, whatever, dad, you're so dumb. So then I would just go talk to Coach Sanders sometimes and say, hey, they're struggling with this. Would you mind talking to them about it? And then the next day they'd come home and they're like, You'll never believe what Coach Sanders just said. It was the most and it's the same exact thing that I've been saying, but it was just amazing how they would hear it from him when they couldn't hear it from me. And just having those relationships with coaches and mentors, they can sometimes have those tough conversations with the kids and really help them in ways that maybe we as parents sometimes can't.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, I like that. You you you can use them as a resource, yeah. For you because they have a voice now that you maybe lost a little bit for whatever reason. That's temporary.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And the other thing that's interesting is that we talk about this a lot in child welfare, but it's true with our kids too, is that the kids in your house are not the kids that are at school.
unknown:That's true.
SPEAKER_01:And sometimes those confident, competent adults that see the kid outside of your home, sometimes they're seeing a little bit different kid. And making sure that they are those right people to be around your kids is important.
SPEAKER_05:I agree. And I think I want to add we do got to be cautious about who our kids go around to, you know, I think because also we for the most times, especially at school, they're at school and you You just said it. I I don't know who they are at school. Also, I don't know all that, all the staff that they interact with. Like there's no way I could know every teacher. At least I didn't, you know. But you know, sometimes other adults mean well, but they don't say the right things. And those things affect your kids. And then they come home and they got these other different thoughts and stuff. And you're going, hey, that's where'd you get that from? And I'm not trying to be specific. I just think that we we do gotta be cautious and curious about it. Cause there's also adults out there that don't help kids with confidence. You said that earlier about a coach, right? That coach that broke my confidence completely. And I don't know that you ever told anybody that, right? There's that similar thing happened to me uh as a young, as a young boy, and I carried that for a long time. You know, nobody need to ask about it because I seem okay. But you know, it somehow we gotta be mindful of our kids when things are different, when they're not trying to do that same thing that they used to do, that they used to feel so good at, or they go where they go internal more. And I know teenagers might naturally do that, but I don't suspect that a kid can go from one thing to the next in one day, right? These things are a process we gotta pay attention to because like other adults, again, they mean well, but sometimes they say the wrong thing and it triggers a child or breaks their confidence completely. And now they're they're not helping you. So you're not in complete control all day when you're not with your kids. So being mindful about check-ins with your kids every day, talking to them every day, having a good relationship where they can open up to you and let you know when something's not okay or somebody said something hurtful, maybe.
SPEAKER_01:And I think related to that, when you have those conversations with kids, or I can remember kind of a similar my experience wasn't exactly like Channel's, but I had an experience where I felt like I should be playing more in a sport. And I had an uncle that was a coach. And I remember I I was upset and he he said, Yeah, I see what you see. He's like, here's what you need to figure out instead of getting down on yourself. You have to play so well that he can't keep you off the field. He can't keep you off the field if you're that and so I kind of had that defeated. I and I remember feeling defeated and him looking at me and saying, That's not the way it works. If you want to play, you just have to be that good. And it was football. And he's like, And that kid that's starting in front of you, you line him every day up every day in tackling drills. That's what you do. You need to show the coach that line up, line it up. Like you you can do this. And it was, it was and I don't know the line him up at tackle, the best I was, but but hey, you know, that's that's what we're doing. But he, when I had that moment of deflation, he wasn't gonna let it stand. He's like, No, you you have to show that coach that he can't keep you off the floor. And I don't know internally myself, and this is where those good adults outside of just us, I don't know that myself I would have caught that. And I don't know with what was going on home, I don't know that my mom would have caught that like, but he caught it. And he knew what that was, right? And he saw it in me, and he was like, No, this is what you have to do. You can do that, but that's up to you. You have to do that, and you need that. Uh uh if you have the right people, they can combat some of the wrong voices. And I think that's that's a hard thing. But you gotta have that person. You gotta have that person.
SPEAKER_03:All right. If you could give parents just one piece of advice for raising confident, competent kids, what would that be?
SPEAKER_04:Maybe it sounds bad. I think mine would be to let your kids struggle while staying close enough to help them through it.
SPEAKER_03:That was basically what I was gonna say too. If they can do it, they should do it. Yeah, and if they can't do it, then you kind of can support and teach them. But let them do let them do hard things. I think that's I like that.
SPEAKER_05:Let them do new things. I I think we said I said that earlier. I I'm a real big believer in giving new experiences to to people so they can try out stuff. Because if you try out stuff, you're eventually gonna get good at something. Get them out there and help them out and be with them.
SPEAKER_01:And I think also as parents, number one, we can't be afraid to fail. You're going to do it wrong at some point. It's okay. And figure out what you did wrong, do it better next time. And and that's part of it. It's part of raising that is raising them and raising you.
SPEAKER_03:All right. Thank you so much for joining us today. If you'd like to contact us and ask us a question, our email address is podcast at calfarley.org. I'll make sure and leave a link in the description. Also, I'm confident that you will all be so inspired by today's conversation that you're going to go tell all your friends and family members to subscribe to Brain Based Parenting. I also believe that you are competent in your technology skills and you will give us a five-star review. So as always, remember you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just make sure you remember and get them back.
SPEAKER_00:Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about CalFarley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarly.org. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for CalFarley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.
