Connection Over Attention: The Love Tank Fix pt 2

The moment your kid starts “acting out,” do you see a problem to shut down or a need to understand? 

We dig into a shift that changes everything for parents: many so-called attention-seeking behaviors are really relationship-seeking bids for connection. When you respond as if your child is reaching for closeness rather than trying to control you, your next move gets clearer and your home gets calmer.

We talk through how to acknowledge the need for connection without reinforcing inappropriate behavior, using a connect-before-correct approach drawn from trust-based relational intervention principles. You’ll hear practical language you can use right away, including how to label what you’re seeing, offer a replacement behavior, and actually practise that replacement with your child so it becomes a real skill instead of a one-time lecture. We also explore the tricky line between ignoring behavior and ignoring a child, why “ignoring” can backfire and escalate, and how to stay present without getting pulled into arguments.

Finally, we share proactive tools that reduce negative bids for attention: planned connection windows, age-appropriate ways to interrupt, and boundaries that work for teens.

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Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
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Transcript

Welcome To Brain-Based Parenting\n

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Cal Farley Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.

Connection Seeking Versus Attention Seeking\n

SPEAKER_01 0:30

Welcome back. Today we're going to be talking about the difference between attention seeking and relationship seeking and why that difference is important. To do that today, I'm joined by Judah Brown, Campus Life Supervisor.

SPEAKER_04 0:40

Danny Pechtel, Executive Director of Ranch Services.

SPEAKER_03 0:42

Sam Cerna, Assistant Administrator of Residential Community.

SPEAKER_01 0:46

So how can parents acknowledge the need for connection without reinforcing inappropriate behavior?

SPEAKER_04 0:51

Okay, so this is one you want to be careful of. And it's kind of like what I talked about earlier. When we put it in our mind and we say it's connection seeking, not attention seeking. Then even if the behavior isn't what I want, my response can be connecting even if it is correct. The old TBRI concept, right? Connect free correct. And I like to lean in on that. This thing you're doing right now, I know you're wanting me to do this with you right now. I need you to understand this thing that you're doing here, this isn't the way to do this. Here's I need you to do XYZ, and then we will do this together. Or hey, this isn't the appropriate way to get my attention. What I need you to come tell me is my love tank is empty. Right. You find that thing, and when you realize that thing that's maladaptive or inappropriate or just not okay, that they did to try to get the connection, you want to label it and say, hey, look, this thing you did, I want to honor that you want connection. I see what you're trying to do here. This thing you did is not the way to get this need met. This is the way to get the need met. And give them the path. Like, I want to meet this need in you. This is not how to get the need met. If this is what you want from me, this is what I need you to do. And then sometimes it's depending on the age of the kid, I want to practice that with them once. Okay. So let's practice that one. You're feeling this way right now. Let's pretend you're feeling this way. Okay, jump up and down, get yourself where you're kind of upset. Your heart rate's up. Okay, now come to me and say. Let's try that again. Now come to me and say. Now come to me and say. I think that's a great way to do that, is you you got they got to know that behavior is not good. The other part I think is difficult as parents is that we someone says, Oh, we'll do this. Tell them this, you know, like the skill we just dropped. As parents, we have to understand that that place that inappropriate behavior comes from just doesn't magically disappear because I gave them the answer. They need time to practice that. They need time to work it in. You know, it's like, you know, Judah's daughter's shooting free throws and he sees her miss a few. If he walks over and says, No, this is the way to shoot him right. He can't expect that it's gonna be automatic. She's gonna need some practice with that. And it's the same with the kids' behaviors. When we see that thing that we don't like and we we intervene on it, one, we need to intervene and give them the alternative. So we don't want to take away and say you can't do that without telling what they can do. You need attention. You did this, this doesn't work. I have to, it's biologically irresponsible for me to correct a behavior to meet a need and not give the replacement. So we want to give that replacement, but then I want to practice the replacement, especially if they're young. I want to practice that replacement.

SPEAKER_03 2:58

Yeah, I I heard somewhere an analogy that you can't close a road without having like a different little a different different route, right? So if you if you close off the only method that they have to communicate, then you might unintentionally close off communication and you don't want that. So other than that, you know, that hey, you hit the nail on the head, that's what I that's exactly how it needs to happen. Gotta teach.

Ignoring Behavior Without Ignoring Kids\n

SPEAKER_01 3:16

I think what you focus on is what you get as well. So often I think we focus on the negative bids for attention, but really we need to focus as much or more on the positive stuff. Or kid attention is attention. They're gonna they want it one way or another. They're seeking that relationship with you, they're seeking your time. So be kind of proactive and look for those times and opportunities to be able to connect with them when they're doing well, and then they won't have to bid for your attention in negative ways. So, what's the difference between ignoring behavior and ignoring a child?

SPEAKER_02 3:43

Man, I I saw this question, I was like, oh man. I talked to my staff about getting into content with kids. What I mean about that is the back and forth argument. Correct a behavior, the kid will argue with us, and then we'll get back in the argument. It's back and forth content all day long. And then all that gets created is just this division, this breakdown of communication. I think it's really important to recognize sometimes that it, you know, that it is a behavior, right? That we're seeing the behavior. And I think defining it too. And I think that having the conversation with them as opposed to ignoring the behavior. I like what Danny said about giving a giving a different way of going about the behavior. Hey, I see you dressed up like a dinosaur and that's fun. Your debts on the phone, give me five seconds. I want, I want you, we'll play Jurassic Park in five minutes, figuring out a way to set that time aside and to have those times. I think that that's important. I think ignoring behavior sometimes. I think we've got to talk about what the behavior is. And then man, the the ignoring behavior could be such a dangerous game sometimes. Because you can get an in an anti up, right? Like they're gonna, they're gonna raise it a little bit higher. It's gonna get bigger, it's gonna get bigger. If you don't notice it, if you don't notice it when it's an eye roll and it's a slamming of the door, then what happens next? You're gonna get cuss words. Oh, what happens next? You're gonna get stuff thrown. I think it's important to notice. First of all, your teenager, if it's a teenager, they might be doing this. If if it's a kid, they might be standing on furniture. They're gonna up the ante sometimes.

SPEAKER_03 5:09

Yeah, you don't you don't want to see if you ignore the kid, you're being you can be cold, dismissive, emotionally withdrawal. I mean, you there's so many things that happen with ignoring, but also, so I don't want to, I'm not like you all said, I'm we're not ignoring the kid, but we're not gonna reinforce what they're doing, right? Yeah. I saw a parent here not too long ago dealing with a uh a child doing some hard things, being kind of disrespectful, and literally they they're just saying, Hey, I'm here, and when you're ready to speak to me calmly, I'm listening.

SPEAKER_04 5:32

I think I think that's important. I think also there's a way we can ignore the behavior in the moment and then acknowledge it later. One of the things I can remember one girl we were working with in one of our houses one time, and because the environments and stuff and trauma she had, she came from, she would dog cuss the staff and yell and scream when she didn't get what she wanted, and it would it would ramp up. And then it would turn into these things. I remember one day when I'd gone over there and she came to me because I anytime I walk in the door, right? Like the boss walks in the door, so they get to ask for nine things, right? So I walk in and she walks up and she looked at me and I said, You're gonna want a yes for me. So remember, whatever you ask for needs to be something I can say yes to. And I remember her laughing, but she said, No, seriously, there's there was whatever it was, the request that she had. I knew I couldn't do. And I said, you know, I can't do that. And she rolled her eyes at me and huh, and spun on her eel, and she went to her door and she slammed it, and then she sat on her bed and cried. Where our responses we'd getten before was dog cussing, yelling, screaming, throwing things, whatever. And I needed to give that a minute because she need she left me because she needed space for me. I don't need to follow her and say, Oh, Lilima's thing. Yeah, you don't walk away from me. That that was gonna end in what you call content. And and so I let her go and I gave her a few minutes, and then I opened the door, and she looked at me all tearied-eyed and whatever, and still annoyed, half eye roll, like full-body eye roll almost. And and I looked at her and I said, I just want you to know that I had to say no to you, but I'm really proud of you. Because for a teen girl to roll her eyes and turn around and walk away from me, slam her door, and go in a room and cry, that's what teen girls are supposed to do. And she kind of chuckled. And and I and I said, Let's work on not slamming the door next time. I was like, but that was a great way to handle disappointment when I give you no. That's go to your room, roll your eyes at me and go to your room and cry. I'm not saying yes, I'm just saying what you did was positive. She kind of had that glimmer on, like, oh, I'm gonna get a yes now. And I was like, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not giving you what you asked for. I was like, but kiddo, this was good. I'm so proud of you. And and I think that's she doesn't feel ignored in that moment, right? But she knows that there's levels of that. I didn't ignore the behavior. I didn't say it was okay to slam the door. Well, I kind of did, but I acknowledge the kid. She didn't feel lost in her baby.

Teaching Healthy Bids For Connection\n

SPEAKER_01 7:35

So, how can parents proactively teach kids healthy, appropriate ways to ask for connection?

SPEAKER_03 7:39

Yeah, we were saying earlier acknowledge it. Hey, can you give me a minute? Can you hold on one second? I see you, you know, things like that. I'm totally stealing the love tank thing from Judah.

SPEAKER_04 7:47

Oh, yeah, that's good. Going to your kid and saying, when you do this and this is how you're feeling, this is what you need to say to me to get what you want. It's perfect. It's perfect. Like, we need to do that because recognize the need they're trying to meet and tell them how to get it done. Now, the follow-up is every time she walks up with love tank, you've got to give her a hug.

SPEAKER_02 8:02

Yeah, 100%.

SPEAKER_04 8:03

It does not matter what's going on. Yeah, 100%. You're gonna get a hug.

SPEAKER_02 8:06

100%. She and she'll say it. She'll say, Hey, my love tanks are low. And whatever's going on, I have to stop right then. And we have to. And sometimes the importance is I'll I'll say, like, joyful, come in here. And joyful and I both give her a hug at at the same time. And even her older siblings will give her a hug. We always try to add people to it too. I think for me, one of the things I learned in direct care, you have to learn to almost be like, Yeah, this sounds crazy, but like a fortune teller or a try to to to see what's gonna happen in the future. And then you have to like preteach your front load, right? You're constantly in this state of like, okay, what's gonna happen when this kid does this? How am I gonna respond? And what's my response going to be when they do that? And I think that that's the importance of if you have a kid that you know does those bids for attention, having the discussion, but also like saying, Hey, what can what can we do? Because we notice sometimes you're really wanting this, you're wanting this time with us. How can I make sure that you get this time? How can I make sure that you get this attention? I really love what you said, Sam, about starting the the day off in such a way, like when you go in, go in to hey, rapazon, and and get everybody kind of psyched up. Because the idea for me sometimes when I get home, I'm so low energy. It's like the first thing I do when I get home is I just want to sit on a couch. And I think of my dad a little bit. He can sit on the couch. Daddy needs a minute, you know, like daddy loves you, but he needs a minute. But I like the idea of like ramping everybody up and having a tradition of like coming in and just kind of getting the attention, get almost taking the attention, right? You have to be the one that needs the attention from everybody. I like that idea.

SPEAKER_03 9:43

It's almost like front loading or something. You know, also as we're talking about these, I think y'all y'all said it, y'all both said it in a way. I I think they're doing it right, you gotta acknowledge that too. You know, so we got to where my grandsons were, well, especially the older ones, where it was a constant bids to like I'll be on the phone, and then it then after some training, it got to where he could stop and wait patiently, but be within my field of view. I call you know, I call it the phone switch method, you know. I switch my hand and then you know, like you you said your wife did put them on the lab. Well, I just let them hang onto my leg. It doesn't hurt. They're not understanding what I'm talking about. Doesn't hurt nothing for them to be in my proximity. So right here, I'm holding you. There's no way I forget you now, right? Because when I walk off the phone and if they left the room, I'm gonna go do whatever because I'm probably gonna forget. But right here, I know it's important to them because they waited and they they told me I heard you last time, and now here I am. Now I gotta do what I said. So I brought them in, hug them, and I hold them while I'm on the phone. I get the phone call. What'd you need? Really cool, right? Really cool. Yeah. You reinforce it, and then they keep doing it again.

SPEAKER_02 10:40

One of the ones I think about with kids and teaching them how to interrupt appropriately or if they want the attention, and and we do it with our younger ones too. They come over and you teach them to just hold, put their hand on your arm, and then just wait until you're you're done with whatever you're doing. And that's always been a helpful one too. That way, hey, I want to talk to you. It's like like you were saying, just grab my arm, and that way I won't forget it about you, I promise. And that it it keeps keeps you from going too long on the conversation, but it also keeps them from knowing that you're not gonna forget about it.

SPEAKER_03 11:09

Yeah, you know, and that's an approach I had for little kids. Interesting is when I had my teenagers, and I was a supervisor here at that time, couldn't do that same thing. Yeah, because if I was on the phone talking about a kid, it was highly likely they and you. So in those cases, I had to set more different boundaries for a teenager. Yeah, I had to have different ways for them to connect. Well, luckily we had phones. I said if dad's on the phone and I'm in my room, it's because I I cannot talk about what I'm talking about in front of you. So it's a front load. And they can text me or they can do or go to mom or whatever. But it's uh it's kind of a pre prepared plan. Yeah. So we can they cannot feel disconnected from me, but at the same time, I gotta do some work sometimes outside of the office hours, but I still care about you, and I'll I'll attend to your needs, right? It's way different kind of thing.

SPEAKER_01 11:49

We had a teacher once that was had a really good relationship with this one kid, but this one kid was very, very jealous of anyone else having any bid for attention with that teacher. So much to the point where we'd start doing inappropriate behaviors anytime any other kid was getting attention. So the counselor and worked with us and worked with the teacher and set up a time where after school this kid would get special one-on-one time with that that teacher. So when this kid would just try and do those those inappropriate bids, like is it she would always say, Is it emergency or is this something that can wait till our special time this afternoon? And then it's like, okay, well, let's just wait till this afternoon. And that ended up working really well for that kid. But the thing was the teacher had to make sure she was consistent in doing that, and she did, and it really did kind of change how he was doing in that class too. So having set boundary times for attention bids can be helpful as well.

Regulating Your Frustration As A Parent\n

SPEAKER_03 12:36

I heard it being called connection windows at some point or something. Time-ins. Some people call it time ins. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:41

So, how can parents regulate their own frustration so they can respond relationally instead of reactively?

SPEAKER_04 12:46

Step one, notice you're frustrated. That's where it starts. Yeah. Notice those signs and symptoms. You have to have that self-awareness. Or you need a partner, whoever it is, that makes you aware. And then I like the EQ2 stop, breathe, and choose. Yeah. Stop, rig yourself, take a breath, choose your cool thought, choose your good move, get it done. But we have to do that. And we do that not just with the kids. We interesting thing. So I went for a ride today with Mike Low ride on the horse. And he was talking about he sat through one of the EQ2 groups, but he was talking about kind of the how we talk about things like stop, breathe, and choose. He's like, you know, we do that just with the horses. When it starts to go sideways, you gotta get your breath, you gotta take your moment, get yourself under control, you know, or I guess he used to coach baseball. He's like, or you know, you tell a pitcher when he gets flustered, man, take three deep breaths, get it under control and come back. I I think it relates to so many things in our lives, but in parenting, there's nothing parenting is more important than pitching, more important than getting bucked off a horse. But that idea of as the parent noticing where I am, then taking that moment to stop, breathe, and make the good choice. That's important.

SPEAKER_01 13:48

I think having a proactive self-care plan is pretty uh important as well. The worst time to try and come up with a self-care plan is when you're at that stage of burnout.

SPEAKER_04 13:56

When you kids fingers on the back of the time, that's not the time. Yeah, uh, yeah. It's before then, right? Before then, yeah.

What Connection Changes Over Time\n

SPEAKER_01 14:02

Something that you know you can do and keep your it's like maintenance, you keep yourself up so you don't get to that point and intentionally doing it is is very helpful as well. So, what happens over time when children consistently experience connection instead of rejection when they start when they seek attention?

SPEAKER_03 14:16

They won't act out out of anxiety or things like that.

SPEAKER_04 14:18

If we do it right, I I think that's the caveat, right? If we do it right, they become more confident, connected, aware of themselves, and we model what is supposed to happen. If we do this wrong or we provide the rejection, then we set up some of those anxieties in them, but also we set up barriers in the relationship. And that especially with teenagers, that can be difficult because you don't know the barriers are there until it's too late. And so I I think that's why when we're consistent and we're connected, they don't doubt in that relationship. And you don't have the the big negative thing sometimes that happens. They're stronger, they're more self-secure, and they can do that for others. And I think that's the other thing. When you do this well, not only does it teach them, but you see them do this with other people and helps them set appropriate boundaries with people around them. That's important.

Reviews And Where To Learn More

SPEAKER_01 15:03

I think when they when you do this well is also thinking about in their teenage years when they're pushing you away, when they're locking themselves in their bedrooms, when you stay with it and you do it well, when they're in their 20s and their 30s, that's all gonna pay off dividends. They will come back to you and you'll still have that relationship and it will be a much more fruitful, enjoyable relationship at that point, too. I want to thank you all for paying attention and listening today. And I want to thank you so much for responding each week by telling your friends and family members that they too should listen to Brain-based parenting. I have one last bid for you. Please give us a five-star review. It really helps other people find the show. So until next time, make sure you remembered, or until next time, you might have to loan out your cortex today. Just make sure you remember and get it back.

SPEAKER_00 15:42

Thank you for listening to Brain-Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarly.org. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.