046 - How We Take Things Personally When It's Not About Us

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Transcript

Noticing A Shift In Energy

SPEAKER_00 0:18

I find it interesting that we can do something thinking that we're kind of like doing the right thing or we really just don't know another thing. And so we just repeat a behavior. And there's like I have an upstairs neighbor who's just absolutely adorable. She's um like, you know, I live in a house and it's just an up and a down. There's been a couple before that I lived up or down. Not great for neighbors, but this one's fabulous. Like we we don't get in each other's business, but we're there for each other. It's just really nice. There was a period of time where either I wasn't seeing her or when I saw her, it was just kind of a little wave and she'd move on. And I just was like, did I do something wrong? Like I it was just such a different uh energy toward me, or so I thought. And when I texted her about something uh that had to do with this whole situation with the house, um she gave a response and I was like, hmm, am I I I like I felt like I was reading something into it, but I didn't think I was reading something into it. I just was like, that was different, because I would think that she would, she's usually like a little uh heart emoji or a um send uh like a gif, you know, kind of thing where there's a some animation, something. And but it was just very quiet, you know. Yes, no, or I'll check it out, or I'll send whatever. It was just kind of weird. And and then she had a favor, she wanted me, she goes, Can I ask you to do me a favor? You know, would you mind whatever it was? And I was like, No, that's fine. And it was like, thanks, which usually she's very like, Oh, that's so sweet of you, kind of just a little more. So I was like, what is going on? And I kept telling myself, Dad, it's not your business, it's not your problem, don't try to figure it out. Did you do anything wrong? And I thought about it. I was like, No, or if I did, I just don't know. You know, sometimes we can say or do something that offends someone, and but it to us, it was totally innocent, but they took it in a particular way. So there was something else that came up, and she texted me, and I was like, This is my chance. I said, Are we good or something like, um, are we okay? Or or did did uh is there something that I need to know? I don't know what I said, or or is it I don't know, but you know, just kind of giving opening the door to say this is an opportunity for you to to be able to say something. And she was like, Oh my god, no, we're we're absolutely perfectly fine, you know. And so we got to have a conversation. And I said, you know, it's so funny that some little slight change had me like feeling like, what? And it felt big. I could feel feeling, I felt like I could feel her energy. I mean, it turned out she was having some issues because her mom had passed away so many years ago and she really, really, really misses her mom. And she had a problem with some friend, and then her boyfriend and her broke up. Like she had all this, like I'll say drama, but just stuff that happened in her life that just created a like a shutdown feeling. So she was participating, but not in the same way. But I took it personal, not in a way where I felt like I needed to fix it, but I felt it in a way that I felt like I I'm not really sure how to say it, but it was like like I was concerned, I was wondering, I was did did I do something wrong, right? And the reality of it was it didn't have nothing to do with me, right? So I mean, I'm thinking that you know, we can talk about how often do we do something or think something and judge according to that thought or that feeling when we don't really even know.

When Their Stuff Isn’t About You

SPEAKER_01 4:58

Yeah, I mean that's oh, what happened? I went on mute. Oh, okay. You're gonna laugh at what I did. I was gonna go like do a poop, like a part, and so I was gonna put it on you. So the part came slow and my mouth came quickly.

SPEAKER_00 5:25

Oh my god, that's funny.

SPEAKER_01 5:28

So yeah, absolutely. I had a situation like that with my friend Debbie, too. You know, she unsubscribed from my newsletter, and then she had like kind of weird answers to certain things, and then you know, she kind of when I saw her at the theater, she was almost like real kind of standoffish when I saw her, and I was like, Oh, what the hell, you know? And finally I just reached out and said, you know, what's going on? And she's like, Oh, I accidentally, and blah blah blah, you know, I accidentally uh unsubscribe, no big deal, blah blah blah blah. And I was like, you know, really hurt.

SPEAKER_00 6:10

I was like, oh my god, you know, you just put all this emotional energy into something, yeah, like right, yeah, into that relationship.

SPEAKER_01 6:23

When I and you know, and this is my um, and I I don't, you know, mind if I say this, but this is my ultra-conservative friend. And so I am really trying hard to make her conservatism not all of all who she is. You know, that's very big of you. It's it's in it's not easy. It is not easy.

The Debbie Newsletter Mix-Up

SPEAKER_00 6:52

The thing, of course, in so uh self-sustaining leadership is about what level of desire do you, the individual, have to stay in connection with this other person, right? You know, and that is the critical component. If it's like I want to stay in connection, then that the work within us, you, whoever, you know, it is harder because we have to work harder to to stay present rather than allowing the discomfort that might come out of something that that person says or does to be the effect. So I say good on you. I don't have many people like that. I mean, I really I just I'm like not worth my time. It's it's not worth it.

SPEAKER_01 7:46

That's why I think, you know, like this friend of mine, you know, we met, we connected immediately, you know, we both like to read, we have, you know, the same, really enjoy a lot of the same things in life. And, you know, when I was single, she really, she and they really did a lot to include me. Her husband really did a lot to um, you know, when I allowed him to, was always willing to help me out with things. And so that's who I know them to be before all of this became a thing.

SPEAKER_00 8:28

Oh, okay, gotcha.

SPEAKER_01 8:30

You know, and so, you know, and and and and you know, Patrick sometimes asks me, why are you even friends with them? You know, because you know, you just disagree with their politics so much, and and you can say that, oh, all of these people that believe this are ignorant or you know, stupid or or whatever, and I don't see these people to be that, you know. But there's other things too, right?

SPEAKER_00 9:03

But in in people just that's where I grow. Well, and that that's awesome. Like if if I I love that for you, if that situation, those people, whatever you want to say, is is something that you look at as a growth opportunity and it fuels you, then you stay with it for as long as it does fuel you, fuel you, and when it stops, you know, yeah, then you make a different decision.

Staying Connected Across Big Differences

SPEAKER_01 9:39

Right. But that's the the kind of thing, the thing that I'm um, you know, a growth opportunity for me, yes, but it's also what I also teach, you know, don't make that one thing be everything about that person, you know, see the whole person and really communicate for connection, look for the connection, not for the separation, not for the differences. Look for the things that that you know that that we have in common. Look for the things, look for all of their pieces, not just that one piece.

SPEAKER_00 10:22

So, what that brings up for me is where's the dividing line? It's like there we can we can make ourselves almost miserable to try to follow that philosophy. So, at what point is it like it's just not worth it for me anymore to try and participate with these people? Because right. And and go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 10:45

I I get that, yeah, totally get that. And obviously it's gonna be different for different people, like um one of the one of my dear, dear friends, I still love them to death. And there came to be a point where I realized that I was not being respected, my needs were not being met in this situation, um, anybody else's needs, including their seven-year-old child, were above mine. At that point, you know, I'm gonna have to step away. As much as I love being in that relationship, it was almost like I was, I don't want to say codependent, you know, but it's almost like I just um um erased my needs and you know, dismissed my needs in order to stay in that relationship with them. Much like what we do with with some of our um romantic relationships, some of our relationships with friends, and and much like I'm uh, you know, one of the reasons why I didn't enter into a romantic relationship with a man because I didn't want to do that. I wanted to keep my sovereignty, I wanted to do that. So when it becomes a matter of my self-respect and my sovereignty, then that's when it's time to to to end the relationship. When they are still giving and trying and loving, um, it may not look like what I want it to look like, they may not believe what I want it to look like, but there's still that heart connection. That's when I can stay in it. But if that's not there, I'm gone. Yeah.

Seeing The Whole Person

SPEAKER_00 12:23

Yeah. I've um I know what you're talking about. And I mean, that's that's a good formula to have, to, to, to depend on, because I was getting caught up in something which it's partially my upbringing upbringing or where I've grown to be. It said something about when the way it feels for me, I'll just talk about myself. The way it feels for me sometimes is when people put not so much anymore, okay? Like I get it now at the time I didn't, but they were putting other people ahead of me. But in a way, I get it because it was that was their family. I'm just the friend. Now I'm saying just as in quotes. So it'd be like you're on the phone and the husband needs something, so you they have to go and then they call you back. Okay, fine. And then the kid's interrupting, so they're dealing with the kid, and then they're talking to you. And it like there comes a point for me where that's just too much other stuff, and I am I don't I'm not comfortable with it, but then that's when I have to decide where do I want what am I willing to allow for that individual? Um but I've I've had people say, like, you're my sister, you're my best friend, blah, blah, blah. And they're having like, like, we're family, we're family. And then, like, my aunt did this to me. I say my aunt, she's never been blood. She was a friend of the family. She and my mom were friends before my mom ever met my dad. And I grew up around her, uh, off and on, you know, throughout the years. And then she and I became really good friends at the end. And she would tell you, You're my daughter, you're my daughter. And and I was like, Oh, okay, you know, like, thank you. And I love you, and you love me. And it's really, she was one of the people that I felt held held unconditional love.

SPEAKER_02 14:21

Right.

Where Is The Line For You

SPEAKER_00 14:21

Which is was very, very rare in my upbringing. And she lived in Florida, and I was in New Orleans, and her daughter lives in New Orleans, um, and has two daughters, so grandchildren, right? And then one of the grandchildren also had a baby, so great grandchildren. I get it. That's very special. Um, even though she lived with her sister in Florida, the sister, the husband, and all those kids, they didn't really like her very much. So here she is with her. So when she came to town, it was we talked about getting together. She was here for like I don't know, month and a half, but here. She was in New Orleans for like a month and a half, but she was with her family. She she couldn't make time for me. And it was like I never said the words to her. And she's dead now, so she can hear me, but I I never said the words to her, but it was like, I'm not your family. I'm just not your family. And um you've made that really clear. You know, and it so it was just, I mean, I I didn't hold it against her in the sense of um, I won't talk to her. But when she would say things, actually, I think I did talk to her. And I talked to her about you say I'm your daughter, but you come to town and you don't even take the time to oh, I was just so busy, and she made all kinds of excuses. And I I did, like, I guess you could say, let it go, because we stayed friends till literally the day before she died. She told me goodbye, basically. I was like, Oh, she knows. Like she knew she was dying, she knew. Yeah, and I said, I'll call you tomorrow. She says, No, don't. I was like, Okay. Um but um that was a surprise for me. Because for ye decades, when I say years, I mean years, years and decades, it was I don't love you, you're a daughter to me, blah, blah, blah. And then it was like, No, I'm not. That was a surprise. But um we were talking about um also people that um I don't know where we're going now. I don't know where I was gonna go into.

SPEAKER_01 16:31

So the thing that I'm thinking about, you know, I think that you were talking about when is the line? Where is the line? And I think that that is like the awareness of self-love and self-care, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When this is no longer a nourishing and supportive relationship to be in, that's the line. It's a matter of self-love to say, you know, I love myself more than I love this relationship. And this relationship is no longer, and not in a narcissistic way, you know, like because you know, the relationships are all different levels, right? But in a way that says, Oh, you know, I I I just cannot respect myself and stay in this relationship anymore, you know.

SPEAKER_00 17:19

Absolutely. You know, something that came up for me while you were talking is there was a time when if that would have happened earlier in my life, it would have been so incredibly painful because I would have felt like I had been deceived or tricked or whatever words. And even though the situation was exactly the same, if those words were said 10 years ago versus today, it's like you just said about uh you know, love myself. It's like I really do have so much more love for myself that I realize that is the right word need. I don't I didn't because she did pass, but you know, need for her to be that relationship for lack of a better word. I can't think of the right phrase. I didn't need for her to validate you.

SPEAKER_01 18:28

To validate that, yeah.

Self-Respect And Sovereignty

SPEAKER_00 18:30

I don't know, maybe not. Wait, it's not valid. It's like it's like I know she didn't lie to me, but it was like she was telling me that she cared about me a lot, like a daughter, you know, which is one thing, but she wouldn't say like my daughter, she'd say, You are my daughter, you're my daughter. Right, right. So it's a different energy for me there. But it was like in the past, if that would have happened, it would have been you lied to me, I can't trust you anymore. But this because I love myself so much now, uh, in the right way, the healthy way, that her saying that, I didn't need for her to um I want to say stand on that promise or uh uh be absolute about what she said. I oh okay, I hear you. What am I trying to say? I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 19:26

I can't the word is you wait, she did not need to prove maybe that she was what those words were to you that she she didn't have to say, but oh yes, that's what I mean. You know, she didn't have to validate that herself in proving to you that that was what she was feeling inside. She didn't have to validate her love for you in a way, you know what I mean? To say it fits in this category and not this category. You're like, it's okay, it's there. Yeah, and I see what it is.

SPEAKER_00 20:10

Yeah, it was like what you're saying. Everybody okay? Oh, your earring. Okay. Yeah, it was like she it's so weird. I it's like I I it's on the tip of my tongue. Like I I understand what I'm trying to say. It's like I was able to accept the fact that she said it one way and meant it a different way. Right. We'll just leave it at that. I I don't know. Without breaking down into a I need her, I I needed her to be the the the mom, uh because that's what she was um inferring. If I'm her daughter, she's the mom, right? And because I didn't have, I mean, obviously I had a mom. My mom didn't do anything wrong. She was a typical mom, but she was more about um physical things. She cooked, she cleaned, she took care of you that way. Um, if she wanted to hug, you would get hugs. But if she was busy, step back, which I understand that. But there there wasn't the emotional connection because there wasn't an intellectual connection either with my mom, real mom. So this other person kind of filled that role. But it was like I didn't need her to be the mother figure.

SPEAKER_01 21:31

But in the past I might have, but now yeah, and then you know, and then you had that self-awareness and that self-validation that allowed you to still honor what that relationship was. So even though my idea of what mother and daughter is is not in this relationship, I still value the relationship that we have for what it is, you know, and that's kind of you know, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:02

But I saw it more for the truth as opposed to the words that she said. Yeah, actually. That was exhausting, but I think it's important.

SPEAKER_01 22:15

And but it's easy to, it's easier to when you and it and still when I, you know, I'm friends with those friends that I was talking about. They're uh uh the ones that I was uh with almost every weekend. I was their pit crew, he was a race, dirt track racer, all of that stuff. It's still hard. I still feel the loss of that relationship. But I but my self-esteem, my self-love, my self-care is just really grateful for me having the courage to stand up for myself and to you know do what's right for me, even though it's hard.

SPEAKER_00 23:01

But that's where we get to when we do take care of ourselves. Self-care and self-love, we're able to, even though it does still have an ache, because we if we want what we want, we need what we need, but we can also allow other people to be going through whatever it is that they go through. What is it about?

SPEAKER_01 23:30

So, Debbie, yes, I think we should leave it here. I think we've had a wonderful conversation about this, and I think that our listeners are going to be able to get value from it, and I think we can continue this conversation because I think it's a really important conversation about, you know, the in these times, in this world, in this country that we're living in, we're having to make these decisions every day, all day. And you know, and you you're needing to stand for yourself, but you're needing to have that awareness of when is the line? Where's the line? So, Debbie, thank you very much for this wonderful conversation. And as always, we want to thank our audience, and as always, we invite you to love and care for the Shiro and you. Bye.

SPEAKER_02 24:25

Everybody.