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Hi. Welcome back to the Christ Gives Hope Podcast. Today's episode is part two of a special two-part interview series with my friend and fellow Stephen Minister. Kay List. We discuss parenting and encouragement for you as you navigate your role as a parent. If you haven't had a chance to listen to part one. Check it out after it is so good. Kay. Shares her experience and wisdom. And the first part called Encouragement For Parents:, Four Secrets of Effective Discipline. But before we begin, if you are new to this podcast, this is all about you. We aim to bring you Christ's healing love during the hard, the crises, the grief, the difficult life challenges. That you may be facing. And if Stephen Ministry is something that you're not familiar with. We as Stephen Ministers, we are all about caring for you when you need it. Most Stephen Ministry is a free, confidential, safe space for you to talk through the areas of your life that you are struggling with. We want to be. Jesus' hands and feet for you. As we walk alongside you. My name is Lisa Stasik, and I am your host. I'm also a Stephen Minister. I serve alongside many men and women in our Stephen Ministry program at St. Lorenz. And we have a heart for the Lord. They are full of compassion and they truly wish to support you and be that steady, calming presence as you face. Life's many challenges. In this particular episode, this part two Kay talks about the importance of taking the time to listen to our kids. And she gives some great advice and great tips about helping your children have responsibilities around your home and why that's so important for them. She also gives practical examples of ways that we can help our kids know Jesus. And lastly, we also dive into the mom guilt or parent guilt that we as parents can come up against. I hope you enjoy the second part. All right. Here is the interview. All right. You also mentioned I really like this, how important it is to encourage and to praise and you said, even in the good and the bad. And that really leads into this next question. I have for you is concerning listening and making sure we take the time to listen and whether in the good and the bad. And do you have some comments on that? You can share with us. I think I learned that Lisa, best as a Stephen Minister. I think when I was, a young parent. I thought, okay, I have this responsibility and I have to teach my kids right from wrong. And so I spent so much time talking and saying, this is why you do this. This is why you don't do this. And I didn't spend a lot of time listening. And I've learned that from my girls. they are so good. at listening to their children when they're struggling or when they're sad or when they're having a rough time and when they're happy and have had some, lots of successes. Of course my youngest daughter is a therapist. So she's always asking questions. What, how did that make you feel and different things, she knows how to do that. But they are good at listening. And what that says to our kids is if I'm listening, I care. I'm taking time to just sit back and listen to you and hear what your heart is feeling or what you're dealing with right now and how can I be helpful and so listening is so very important. Yeah I completely agree too I think it's really important when you are listening to put your phone down it can be so distracting to set that aside or whatever it is you're doing and To give them your full attention. I think in one of our Stephen Ministry classes, or when we were going through the courses, and I think it was Pastor Fenske, and he gave the example to get eye level, and get eye to eye. So I try to do that with my kids if they have something to tell me. Get down at their level and look into their eyes. So they know I'm here. I am present and we can if we're sitting on a phone and scrolling and as they're talking to us, we're not listening. So it's really important to try to get the distractions set aside to as they are. Sharing I did that with the kindergarten children too. I always get down at their level. It's just not as intimidating for them, when you're down at their level and you're talking to them rather than when you're up, twice as big. So yeah that's very important. Yes. All right. So moving on to we talked about obviously discipline is in Scripture and this podcast, it is a Christian podcast, no matter where you are in your faith journey. we have a biblical foundation and for those listening, do you have any advice? Or any wisdom you could give about how we can help our children know Jesus. It is so important. And if anyone's listening, wondering how can I make sure they know the Lord is, do you have any advice you could share on that? I think some of the things that Steve and I did, my husband and I did were good. we did devotions every night, before they'd go to bed. and we would pray with them and we'd ask them, what's on your heart or what should we pray about? And from little on it got more difficult when they became. middle school and teenagers. They didn't want to do that. They didn't want to do devotions. We still did it, but it wasn't something that they were real keen on. None of our other friends have to do this. We go to a Christian school or we go to a Lutheran school. Why do we have to do devotions? And we just said, that's, That's the way it is in our family. We think it's important. And and we didn't do it every night. We would like to have we didn't do so much of the praying, but unless we knew that there was somebody that was in need of prayer. So I would just say, keep praying with your children, even when they get older, which I wish we would have done more of that, but yeah, I think the important thing is that they know to how important Jesus is in your life. what would Jesus want us to do with this issue, if they come home from school and something happened and I love the Oh, what is the name of that devotion, but my grandkids loved it. I'll have to get it to you. There's a a circumstance that happens. Let's say you're out in the playground and something happens with another child is being left out. What would you do? What would Jesus want you to do? And then they give three answers. And then you pick the one that you think Jesus would want you to do. And then you'd look up that Scripture. And my grandkids loved that because they were, they knew what to do. They knew what God wanted them to do, but it just, it was interesting because so many of those circumstances were something that I knew that they would go through at school or they would go through in their home. I just can't think of the title of it right now, but they always want, because I had about four or five different devotion books, and that's the one that they always wanted to do, especially as they got first grade and older, they wanted to do that. So yeah, doing devotions, not just talking your faith, but walking it. I know I said, I asked my son one time. I don't know what I asked him about our faith or what. I'm not sure it was something about his friends when they were younger. And he said, mom, you and dad, devotions, when our friends would come. And so it was this is just who we are. You would not let something like that stop you because you knew it was important in our life. I think that's how the conversation went when he talked about it. And I thought I know they fought us with devotions, but in the long run, I know they see how important it is to and are doing it, but their family and to a certain degree also, and it doesn't have to be long. It can be a verse. It can be something as simple as a song, Jesus loves me. And what does that mean to, what does that mean to you? I love that song yet, and I don't just sing it as a little child. I'm an adult. And so there are lots of ways I think that you can share your faith, but it is so important to do it. They need to hear it is important for your family because they're going to get out there. it's important to share your faith with your family and let them know. And I would just have things around the house, I had things on my refrigerator. It's just little captions. That they could relate to and a pillow that said, me and my house, we will serve the Lord. Just things like that, that were around our house that spoke about how important Jesus was in our life. Oh, I love that. And what you said about the devotions and how you did them anyway. I really love that. That reminds me, so my dad, I was in college and he would call me on Sunday afternoon, Lisa, did you go to church? Did you go to church today? Lisa, are you in the word? Are you reading the Bible? He would call me throughout college. Often and just and just asking those questions. Are you, did you go to church? Are you reading the Bible? Are you reading the word? And at the time, I was probably yes, dad or whatever. But I, as an adult, I am so grateful for that because he didn't stop. He didn't, even if I, wasn't okay, this is so good. However I responded, he didn't stop. He didn't relent and he just, but he was so kind about it, but he just getting that repetitive of in there and asking those questions. I knew it was so important. That foundation was there. So I'm so Grateful for that. So much like the devotions in your house just it lays that foundation and then that gives way for God to work and to you plant the seed and He allows that faith to grow and it's just That made me think of that and how grateful I am now that even though I wasn't under his roof anymore. And it spoke to you that was important to him. Exactly. Yep. And yeah, I've always said to my kids too, I can't take anything to heaven with me, but you. Nothing else will go but I want to see you there. Oh, I love that. Yeah. Yes, all right. So this is so good. Let's moving on to how about any schedule ideas to help? This kind of goes along, I think, with, we talked about, discipline and being consistent and your kids know they have expectations, but helping our kids and know responsibilities around the house. Do you have any good advice to help getting our kids to help out. I think the important thing is to start young. Start young, okay. And even a three and four year old can set the table. You can give them placemats and have them put one by each chair. They can give them a fork and that goes on the left side or wherever they put it. It's like when they're little that, you don't worry about if it's exactly where it should be. Ah, yes. the important thing and I always told, cause I know some of my kindergarten parents would say, how do you get them to pick up the toys? They never do any of that at home, you just, it's what we do, and I can remember one, one year I had a little student that was had some real health issues and had been in the hospital and came to kindergarten. And I think because he had been through a lot. Physically, I think mom and dad just let go and just didn't, make, require anything of them. And I understand that, because I think it was very serious. And when he came the first two weeks and it was time to pick up toys, we they would play the first half hour and then they would, and then I'd ring my bell and then everybody had to help pick up and he wouldn't. He said, I'm not picking up. And I said we pick up here. I said, I didn't play with a lot of these toys, but I'm going to help you pick up. That's just one of my rules in the classroom. And he kicked and he screamed and he had a tantrum and did this for about a week and a half. And finally, he realized too that it's what it was and he would always have to come late for snack because where I said snack after we would pick things up I said after you pick up, I made him at least pick up one thing before he could have snack. but by the time a week and a half rolled around. He was picking up toys just like everybody else. And we sometimes think kids are too young. They're not, they can do lots of chores and at home, they can make their bed. It may not be perfect. You can show them how you, how to make a bed. And then if they. Put the covers over on the pillow and there's lumps in it. That's okay. As they get older, then you can say let's fine tune this a little bit now that you're a little older. I think you, but yeah, just household things help collect waste baskets and put it in the garbage. Little people can do that. I water flowers. My grandkids loved helping me water flowers and that was one of the tasks, I said, okay, before we start playing, we're gonna take care of our jobs that we have to do. They love to vacuum. the floor and they did that at age five. It wasn't perfect. They didn't get every, raisin or whatever was on the floor, but it taught them. And not only does it teach them responsibility, they gain self esteem. Because they are doing something and they feel good about what they're contributing. So it builds up a child's self esteem when they can do jobs like this around the house. And it helps them to see I can do some things like this, and jobs and chores are really important. Yeah, I think that is so good. And in your comment about it building their self esteem, that is so important. whatever chore you have your kid Helping with and doing it gives them a sense of accomplishment. Oh, yeah, I can do this. that they will carry in with them as they get older and in bigger things. So I think that's a really good point and I think sometimes I would say too, we're a family, we're a team and we have to work together if we want to go and shoot hoops or if we want to go and swim, we got to get some of the, and I always was brought up, your work gets done first before you play, and so I said, that's part of being in a family, helping us so that we can all play together as a family too. So it's teamwork. Yes, very good. Next. How about about any mom guilt or any moms listening that are feeling guilty? I think social media plays into that and that is a topic for another day, just this comparison trap and we will go into that in a different episode, but we can feel so guilty looking at what other moms do or whatever someone else is doing and maybe it doesn't look like what we are doing in our own home with their own kids. Do you have any advice to that? What if moms are just feeling guilty? with whatever it is in their own home and with their own kids. Yeah, that's a tough one, because I was there too, and you do, you get into that comparison trap and I've had many devotions of women's devotions, and Bible studies that I've gone to, where so many of us at the Bible study say, why is it that we, Get down on ourselves and our husbands they can just overlook stuff and they know right Yeah, and we're god made us different but I always say too, God created us the way He wanted us to be And when I look at somebody else and i'm upset that i'm not that person It's almost a slap in the face to God because He created me with my unique quirks and with my unique talents and abilities And He didnt create me to be someone else and it's something you have to work at and you have to find. What you're good at or go to Bible studies with other women and I think you have to encourage yourself and, read the Psalms and especially, God created us when we were in our parents womb. And so He knew exactly how He wanted us to be. And so when we're starting to look at. That from God's perspective, it's takes on a whole different light, but when we, social media is can be good, but it can be very destructive to I don't go on it much, but I know some people do. And I, if that's something you struggle with, I would say maybe stay off of it, maybe take a break or take a break and, because everybody puts on the good stuff. It's the highlight reel. Yeah. And they don't have any problems. That's not every family has problems, and if they say they don't, they're not being truthful. We all have challenges and God helps us to grow through those challenges too. If We take them to Him and work through them the way He wants us to. But yes, I've had to tell myself that too. You're not so and so you are Kay List. That's who God created you to be and use what He's given you. maybe it's going to be something behind the scenes where you're working with women in Stephen Ministry. I love Stephen Ministry and it's taught me so much. and nobody knows all the things that we do as Stephen Ministers and that's okay. God does. that's a great point. I just love how you said God, He created you with your own personality, He gave you your own gifts. And so anyone listening, I hope you're encouraged if you find yourself, feeling guilty in your home with your kids or Whatever that may look like that you are encouraged that God gave you your abilities. He made you unique He created you to be their parent. That was not an accident and there that was not a surprise to Him You are His and I just hope that encourages you If you find yourself, you know feeling guilty and comparing That's not from the Lord we can turn to Scripture and Psalms like Kay said are so good and help build that truth back in because oftentimes, we're comparing and that's not from the Lord. And then we feed in stuff that's not from Him. Go back to His Word what does He say about me? How has He created me? And that you are his, you are chosen, you are redeemed, you are made new and nothing will change that. So I hope that will encourage you today if this one kind of strikes a chord with you the whole comparison. And I think too, when the negative thoughts come in or you start feeling guilty, that's when you have to stop and refocus and think about all the ways that God has blessed you or all the things that you as a mom have done right. Don't focus on the mistakes you've made. It's like one of my friends and I were golfing and we were talking about motherhood and how I've said some things to my kids too, who are grown adults. And they'll say, mom, we don't remember that. And I say, you don't remember that they don't, and that's okay. It's a good thing, that when I lost my temper or when I maybe gave them a consequence that wasn't real fair, but it's like, we as moms we think we have to be perfect and we aren't going to be. No. Give yourself grace. Yes. Exactly. Exactly. And I like that you said that they don't remember. And that is just a good reminder, we're forgiven. We're forgiven at the cross. It is finished. And He tells us, I'll remember your sins no more. God doesn't remember. He chooses to forget, you're forgiven and let that be a reminder. Just give yourself some grace The other thing is to apologize. When you do make a mistake or when you holler or, and you realize it and you feel terrible about it. Don't just live with the guilt. Go and talk to your child or go and talk to your husband or whoever and say, You know what? That was uncalled for. I am sorry. I was out of control or I was, that was not the way God wanted me to handle that. Will you forgive me? And your kids, I did that with my kids too. And they were so gracious. They, it's okay, mom, and I was like, no, it wasn't okay, but I'm thankful that you're forgiving me. Yes. And I think that's a really good point to make that I'm asking will you forgive me? I tried to do that with my kids when I apologize. It teaches them. To apologize in situations with their friends or, with each other or but asking, will you forgive me? And I have seen just with both my kids, just, they just this weight lifted off, just this joy, they were upset, but I'm sorry, will you forgive me? And yes. And they're just little faces light up. It is like this gift from God, this weight lifted off and this forgiveness and that's forgiveness is it is this, it is freeing. And I think that's just really good point to make. Just encourage you listening. It's okay to ask for forgiveness. That's a good thing. And it teaches them about forgiveness and that they can ask for forgiveness when they, when they make mistakes. I like how you said, Lisa, that it takes the weight off of them. They, it takes the weight off of you too, when you apologize to them and to see how gracious they are. You're just It's okay, I made a mistake, but they still love me. You're oh, I'm not perfect. I'm not perfect either. One more thing I want to touch on. If you have not listened to our episode, it's called Loving Others When the Relationsihp is Difficult. And in there I quote a friend, which actually that friend is Kay. And in there we talk about, she had shared this quote with me and it is so good. And it applies in that episode. And it applies here too. And she says, You know, hurt people hurt people. They're hurting because they've been hurt in their lives. So try not to take it personally. But if you have offended them in any way, then apologize. And that kind of goes along with what you're just saying. But Kay, can you do, is there anything more you want to share in that? Because I think that is so good. And that fits well in this in this topic we're talking about in parenting too. I think it's important to have our kids know that because there are many children that are just out of control at school. And I know my daughter had an incident where one, a friend was supposed to be a friend and she was jealous of her getting all A's and things that girls do when they're teenagers. And so I just. Broke my daughter's heart because we had just moved to this to front back to Frankenmuth. And she was new in school and she was getting all this attention from everybody in this one girl didn't like it. And so she was making things miserable. And I said, Kendra, she is hurting. There's something, it's, have you done anything? Or I did ask her, because you want to ask them, have you done something that you need to ask for forgiveness? I don't think so, mom. I'm always trying to be really nice to her, And then I said there's something that's hurting her, that she is lashing out at you. And then I said, it doesn't mean that you have to continue to let them hurt you. And I wish I had emphasized that more because I think I taught my kids to be very kind, always be kind and respectful to everyone, even a child that's a troublemaker in school, show them respect. And so I never really. Focused on, but stand up for yourself in a situation where somebody is not treating you with respect. So I think it explains to them. And we would talk about it at home too. When they'd share something about a student that was doing something in school and they were just all upset and I'd say, A they're trying to get attention because they aren't getting attention at home, or there could be a numerous things that are going on in their life that we don't know about. And if they ever are hurting you, you don't let that go. But if it's stuff that isn't going to hurt you or damage you physically or emotionally, sometimes you gotta look at the kid and say, Oh, maybe that child doesn't have the kind of. home life that I have, or, maybe there's something that happened to that child down the road or in his past that he's having trouble So I think it's important for us to try to look behind the eyes of someone else and not just how they're hurting us. Yes. That's important to know how we can deal with it. In a way that God would want us to deal with it, but also to see maybe why they might be acting that way. Oh, thank you. I think that is really good. And how about, so if anyone listening Stephen Ministry, this is confidential. This is a, it's a free Ministry. It is one on one. Females, you are placed with a female Stephen Minister, and any dads listening, you guys are, you're placed with a male Stephen Minister, and what I wanted to ask, so how about if there's anyone listening that just needs support we help parents, whether you're a young parent or you have grandkids at home Any advice to someone listening that needs encouragement and how Stephen Ministry can help them? Yes. It's it's not just for people that have lost or grieving the loss of a loved one. It can be that, but we reach out to people that are, I've had all kinds of. care receivers that have had depression, have had unruly Children are going through a marital issue. There's just it's all out there. There's so many things out there and we are trained to just listen and to encourage. And so it doesn't matter what you're dealing with. If it's something that you're Is a crisis in your life? Get help. There's help out there and there are people that want to love on you and be there for you. Stephen Ministry can do that. so if you are listening and just and you need help we're here for you We have a team of Stephen Ministers waiting to walk alongside you We really aim to be Jesus hands and feet for you as you are Whatever it is you are struggling with In your home, maybe it's in your marriage and with or maybe with children or young children or adult children And it is confidential. There is no judgment here. to learn more about our Stephen Ministry program, you can visit christgiveshope. org Again, that is christgiveshope. org And just as a quick note, this is not medical advice If you need help from a physician Or care from a professional that is beyond the scope of Stephen Ministry. And Kay, thank you so much for being here. I am just so grateful for this. I have learned a ton. I hope you listening that you have too. This has been so wonderful and It is so needed. we love our kids and we want to do best and we want to be good parents and honor God in that. And you have really helped us and gave us really good advice and how we can do that. So thank you. It was a pleasure. Thank you for inviting me. God bless all you moms and dads out there. Yes, thank you for listening.