Mature Mischief podcast
Greetings, Gremlyns!
Join us on the Mature Mischief podcast with your Host Jesse James and Co-Host Dee Dee.
Embark on a journey filled with mishaps, awkward moments, and adulting wins. Prepare to laugh, cringe, and nod along with every episode!
Ready to embrace the chaos of adulting and find solace in shared experiences? Let the Mature Mischief Podcast guide you through the ups and downs of life.
Don't miss out on the genuine hilarity that comes with being a grown-up. We'll show you how to turn mundane moments into comedic gold!
Mature Mischief Podcast: Because growing up may be tough, but finding humor in it is always a joy! Tune in now!
Mature Mischief podcast
It's never too late to become who you were meant to be.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, "Did I miss my chance?" That nagging question about whether it's too late to pursue dreams, learn new skills, or reinvent yourself is exactly what Jesse and DeeDee tackle in this deeply personal episode.
Jesse opens up about wanting to learn sewing at 37, pursue drag performance, and create his own clothing—all while battling the voice in his head saying, "You're too old" and "It's too late." This vulnerability sparks a rich conversation about why we place artificial timelines on our talents and passions. The hosts explore how financial constraints, body image issues, and long-standing trauma from childhood criticism can build invisible walls between us and the lives we want to live.
"I'm tired of living in the what-ifs," Jesse confesses, touching on a sentiment that resonates across generations. Whether it's the fear of looking foolish as a beginner or worrying about health limitations, these concerns keep countless people from trying. DeeDee shares her journey with body acceptance, revealing how regaining confidence happens when you start honoring your body rather than criticizing it.
The conversation takes a fascinating spiritual turn when discussing how the universe seems to push us in directions we resist. Is following your destined path more important than exercising free will? As Jesse colorfully puts it, sometimes you need the universe to "hop off" and let you chart your course. This tension between destiny and choice speaks to anyone who's felt torn between what they feel they "should" do and what their heart truly desires.
What dreams have you put on the back burner? What would you pursue if you believed it wasn't too late? Listen to this episode, then take that first step toward becoming who you've always wanted to be—because it's never too late to start.
Platforms
Breather break
what's up, gremlins? Welcome back to another podcast. My name is jesse james. I hope everyone is doing it and doing it well, you know the drill. This is the mature mischief podcast.
Speaker 1:I'm the type of girl you want to chew on my bubble gum. I'm the type of girl you want to take to your mama's house. Take, take, take, take to your mama's house. Dude, that song brought up. So I remember my sister because that song was during the myspace era, like that. That's how old that song is.
Speaker 1:That song used to be in my sister's thing. She was the fucking throw a chola out and everything, and that would be the song that you want to be the type of girl you want to chew on my sister's thing. She was the fucking throw a chola out and everything, and that would be the song that you want to be the type of girl you want to chew on my bubble gum. I'm just like I don't think anybody wants to chew on that bubble gum. That's nasty, that's nasty, you nasty. She was like I don't. I want to say she was maybe like 14, 15 when that song came out or something like that. I'm just like that's, you're too young. That's nasty. Oh, that's just nasty. That's just nasty. I know it, you know it, the whole world fucking knows it. I like saying my name twice. I am your host, jesse James and I am your co-host.
Speaker 2:Dee, dee, dee.
Speaker 1:Dee what it do, sister Dee it is hot.
Speaker 2:It is hot in here. It is Sister D it's hot Bitch.
Speaker 1:It is hot in here. It's fucking hotter than the devil's underwear. I am sweating in places. I should not be sweating in.
Speaker 2:That's because we're in an air-conditioned apartment, but because we live in Texas.
Speaker 1:Yeah, where the weather's supposed to be hotter than the Sahara Desert.
Speaker 2:Hotter than Death Valley. We live in the devil's asshole.
Speaker 1:Bitch. It's like the fucking devil came out and farted and just let it go wind. That motherfucker crop dusted us for years to come.
Speaker 2:Damn that, shit's gonna linger until fucking fall this summer is gonna cook, and I don't mean in a good way.
Speaker 1:Devil whipped out his dick and said hello.
Speaker 2:Fucking devil the good way devil whipped out his dick and said hello, fucking dick, fucking devil, masturbated on all of us, man, shit. And that's because it is 8, 54 pm, people. This just goes to show you that when the sun is out in texas, even when it's dark, the heat still lingers in the damn ground and the buildings so badly that it's still hot.
Speaker 1:It's ridiculous. I think a lot of it has to do is that I don't have my windows covered in black.
Speaker 2:Well, they're not blacked out, but it's not like you don't have blinds and curtains. You know what I mean? Everything is technically covered.
Speaker 1:Normally my apartment is blacked out, yeah, period, like anytime I moved into an apartment complex. If I had shades, it was blacked out because I like it cold, yeah, and I like it comfortable in here, and then, on top of that, if I don't have to worry about my AC having to kick on an overdrive, I'm fucking Gucci, hell yeah, but my AC is working into overdrive. Man, I'm like God damn. Summer bills are the best. Oh, they really are. They really are darling, just like damn. Got me all fucked up, fucked up, honey, fucked up. I tell you, billy Ray, she's fucked up, she hot, she got that one swag or two with that light, billy.
Speaker 2:Billy Bobby God.
Speaker 1:She a good girl, she good, good girl. I can't with you, uh, speaking of good girls we're a little bit in delirium uh, we had some coffee. Yeah, no, I mean, the coffee is not too too too bad, it's not, it's not because it's not super sugary or anything like.
Speaker 2:The only sugar that was in there was whatever's in the creamer.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I didn't put nothing in there. Man, I frothed that shit up. Good, it was so delicious, dude, it was.
Speaker 2:So we're probably going to tank here in a minute, just letting y'all know.
Speaker 1:She. I told you we were doing a recording today. Take a rest.
Speaker 2:And I did, and you're like, do you want some coffee? I'm like I'm not going to say no to coffee and then in a few minutes.
Speaker 1:I'll just be snoring in the background. See, if we would have recorded earlier today, we would have had probably much everything done. We wouldn't have a tank that bad. But because somebody wants to do it at 7 o'clock pm. Sir, I sir I'm like god damn, I had plans and they just happened to change, unfortunately, but it's cool, I still got shit done. I didn't realize plans were just sitting at home doing nothing, excuse you yeah, I was not like I said I was progressive bitch.
Speaker 1:Don't you dare progressive progressive doing nothing do you want me to show?
Speaker 2:you do you want me to show?
Speaker 1:you no, I don't want you to show me no, because it's gonna prove you wrong. You can't show me like that. That's nasty.
Speaker 2:I wasn't talking about that.
Speaker 1:But I'm nasty. Okay, okay, you nasty. You want someone to chew all your bubble gum too? Huh, no, all right. Well, that's enough shenanigans for the first five minutes let's talk about?
Speaker 1:uh, if it's a, is it too late in life to do certain things that you know we want to do as an adult, right? Because the older we get, the more we decide? Is it too late we want to do as an adult, right? Because the older we get, the more we decide. Is it too late for us to do certain things in life For me? I am 37 years old and I'm still.
Speaker 1:I don't know what made me delay so much in life to figure out what talents I have or what to be able to figure out. What can I do? I'm picking up a sewing machine late in life. People who've been doing it for such a long time. I'm wanting to do drag. I'm doing it late in life, you know.
Speaker 1:So it's kind of like am I too late to be doing stuff like that? Because I am, I won't be able to move like I used to in my 20s, right? So I don't have the capability to kind of like vogue dance, drop it like it's hot, you know, even death drop I can. I can drop dead, but I can't death drop, you know. So it's you know, and it's kind of like I suck at words too as well. So lip-syncing for me, for my life is way out of the fucking question, you know. So I have to kind of get more animated and more, and I gotta figure out what kind of drag I want to do, right.
Speaker 1:So it's one of those questions I'm asking myself am I too late in the game to be doing these things? You know what I mean. Uh, I also want to get tattoo not tattoos tattoos you're not never too late for that, uh. But I also want to get like piercings. I would love a tongue piercing. I would love to have my nipples pierced, you know.
Speaker 1:Uh, I just wondering is it too late for me to be doing stuff like that? I mean, I'm getting up in age. I don't know how my body's going to react, considering all the health issues I've been having as of lately. So it's been a struggle for me to figure out what I want to do with this time that I have on earth. What can I do to make such an impactful thing for myself? That makes sense, you know, so it's. I'm still trying to figure it out here, and lately I've been reading a lot of my tarot decks and they've been really shady with me, because I've been very shady with them and not on purpose either as well. It's because I've already had it up to here when it comes to trying to do things the right way and whatnot. As you can tell, I'm burning candles. I'm trying to get back into it.
Speaker 2:It's because Jesse's stubborn, you guys, that's all.
Speaker 1:No, I'm not stubborn. I'm not stubborn. I mean, you're not wrong, I'm not stubborn, but you're not wrong, you're not wrong.
Speaker 1:I'm stubborn to a point. I'm stubborn to a point. I'm stubborn to a point because what makes me so stubborn and what I do is because I want to do the things that I like doing. I want to be able to put my talent forth and be able to do stuff, and every time I always come up with something. I notice that for me, every time I want to go do something, it's just like oh, I don't have the money, oh, I don't have the money, I don't have the money, I don't have the money, I don't have the money. So it's a broken record every single time. And anybody who's felt that knows what it's like to be damn.
Speaker 1:So my FOMO is in fucking overdrive right now because I want to be able to do certain things, and every time I say I want to do these things next year, it's always next year, next year, next year. And I'm getting tired of it and I'm starting to see that my health is not as good as it's supposed to be, you know. So I'm like, okay, I need to lose the weight, which I'm starting to do, that now I'm getting back into the workout and whatnot. Like we would go out to eat already. We would have something fucking hefty, right? You chose a salad. I chose something I've already made here. I have rice in the refrigerator, so if I want to eat that I can if I want to.
Speaker 1:So it becomes pretty much that. So I'm learning fashion at a late stage, as who I am, because I'm not young anymore, wearing the graphic T-shirts and everything for me and being a big boy, it's kind of hard to find T-shirts that fit me properly the way they're supposed to, because they're not as long. I love my belly, I really do. I just don't like when it shows out so like at the bottom of it. I'm just like. This is why I like when. This is why I know I make fun of my short people. But I love my short people because I wish occasionally I was short, because, as when you're tall it's hard to find things and tall that are tall, fitting and thing.
Speaker 2:That goes for short people too as well yeah, because this is too long on us and it's just like we don't have the money to just be fixing and hemming everything right because that sucks so I wanted to do something that I wanted to kind of do for me and fits me properly.
Speaker 1:And I said you know what? I want to make clothing that fits me. I want to do this for myself and I was YouTube University, youtube University. I was looking at it because I didn't know how to read the prints or the patterns that was provided or that was given, so I didn't know how to do any of that. I have the jockstrap patterns, because I can make my own jockstraps that fit me perfectly and beautifully. I have patterns that I can make my own button-up shirts because I want to do that, and I have patterns to make my own vest, too, as well. So I have all the stuff that I need at the tip of my fingertips to make the things that I want to make.
Speaker 1:And I figured, okay, well, let's start off with patterns, right, because with patterns they're going to go base. They're going to be boxy shirts, still right. And I still like long t-shirts. I can always add a little bit length to them if I want to, if I so pleased to, and Always add a little bit length to them if I want to, if I so pleased to. And I got these nice patterns that I want to wear because they're fucking nice. I don't know if I showed you yet. I need to show you because I found them and they're beautiful patterns. I just need to. I wanted to learn how to do these things properly before I decided to go oh hey, let's do this, and then I fuck up everything right, so it's for me'm. I'm wondering am I, am I too late to the game, you know?
Speaker 2:um I think that's something that crosses everybody's mind at some point, because how often are people legit able to accomplish every single thing that crosses their mind, that they want to do and they've done it? They can check it off. It's like that's. That's not as realistic as we want it to be. And for the people who have like, do you guys exist out there?
Speaker 2:yeah because seriously it like it's a lot having to squeeze anything like that into regular life, kind of sucks. Now, in my opinion, do I think it's too late to start anything for me not not for me personally, but I'm talking about like, in my opinion, no no but that's me only because before, if you would have asked me this years ago, I probably been like, yeah, because you know what I feel like this, this, this, and I would relate it to my personal life, right?
Speaker 2:right but here and now, because I've been through what I've been through, I came to a point where I have at I had absolutely nothing left to lose.
Speaker 1:Nothing at all, nothing you know, and I mean this made me think about it too as well, because I, we work in the service and not the service industry. But we, some of us, work in the service industry, customer service area and whatnot. We've always hear I'm not intelligent enough for this stuff, I'm not smart enough for anything. You work in a different type of class of business than I do, right? I've always hear at my age I don't know anything about technology. People don't even know what certain things are or whatnot, and how to do things.
Speaker 1:They'd rather buy it because it's a lot easier than having to learn it or make it themselves. As for me, I'm just just like. I'm interested in how to make certain stuff for me because, look, I love my hair and I look at my family they all get bald and I'm not too far from that period, so I want to take care of myself. I want to. I don't want to go bald, I don't want to lose none of my hair. I love my hair.
Speaker 2:Um of course you do.
Speaker 1:You're a leo oh yeah, I love my hair, it's fucking amazing lions mane and it sucks because I don't want to lose my hair at all whatsoever.
Speaker 1:And I do get self-conscious about my body sometimes and and now I'm just like maybe I should have been more mindful about what products I'm putting into my hair and whatnot. But it's hard to trust anybody online these days to make certain things and certain products or whatnot. I don't like putting product in my hair because I don't want to wash my hair every single day, so everything I'm doing is natural I'm brushing it to the side. Some days my hair will work with me and I'm like cool beans, let's go for for it. We're fucking working with it today. I do like the natural, dry look in my hair. I don't like to always put product. If I'm putting product in my hair, for whatever reason, it's, either I'm going out to a main event or to a party or going out, which it's very rare that I do anyways. So I am. I'm also learning how to wear heels. You know, trying to, I mean I look like fucking herman monster half the time when I'm also learning how to wear heels.
Speaker 1:You know, trying to, I mean, I look like fucking herman monster half the time when I'm wearing fucking heels that's just because you're already naturally tall well, I'm yeah, I'm already naturally tall right, so I can walk in shoes just fine, but it's heels that I can't walk in because I'm not used to it. So I said, okay, what a better place to do it than where I work, because I sit at my desk a lot, so I don't do a whole lot of walking and I will walk around the building in my heels just for fucking shits and giggles, right, and you know a lot of people compliment my heels. Like, oh, dude, I love your heels, like those are fucking badass. Like, oh, thank you, I appreciate it. Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1:Um, so I'm starting to learn a little bit more about my body and my structure on it. But I'm also learning that my body is a little over. It's a little heavier on top. I'm top heavy, you know, naturally because I have a gut in front of me, so I it's questioning everything that I'm doing. Can I still do the things that I used to do in my 20s? But, and if I can still do it, would I have to make the modifications and how to do certain things?
Speaker 2:absolutely you know what I mean and yeah, of course, should you even choose to do, because, like I said, it's a choice. It's a choice no matter what, it's a big choice, but I think a lot of people dwell on it a lot heavier than they need to, but only because that comes from a place of fear that fear has always been embedded in me for a very long time.
Speaker 1:And then, fuck, it sucked, because I remember it was. It started off when you were as a kid and I was writing a little bit of I was writing about it in my booklet. I started to do some journaling, just small journaling here and there, right, and I see if I can write. So I was just doing a whole lot of free writing that I learned in college and whatnot, that I forgot about that and I was just, you know, going through it and whatnot, and I didn't realize, like how much trauma I still had that stemmed from wanting to do the things that I wanted to do.
Speaker 1:I had a guitar teacher that told me I sucked. We talked about this. I had a guitar teacher that told me I sucked and I should not pick it up a guitar period ever in my life and that killed me because I had the natural gift to be able to play the guitar. Could I pick up it up now and still go take the classes? Oh, absolutely sure, why not? I could still do it right. Um, I just need to get the muscle memories working, my fingernails, get up the core strengths, you know, because I'm starting to get carpal tunnel in these two fingers here on my right side, so it's starting to become, it's becoming a real thing for me that I'm starting to see.
Speaker 1:So a lot of stomach issues that I'm dealing with. So I'm just like damn. I'm about to reach a milestone in my life for me, and that milestone is I'm going to hit 40 soon. I'm 37. 38 is a rider on the corner for me in August, and so it's becoming a fucking real thing for me and it's kicking me in the ass because it's like I want to do these things period I want to have fun, I want to have a good time.
Speaker 1:I want to get back into my makeup again. I want to learn how to do drag. Do drag makeup. I'd be able to sew everything and whatnot and every time it comes, boil us down to the main thing that it boils down to is money. It's always been the issue with money for me, so I said, fuck that I'm burning candles. I'm burning candles. I'm getting back to being more spiritually grounded. I'm starting to understand a little bit more about my spiritual journey and kind of get more of understanding.
Speaker 1:Um, I had something, what I did by my side for the majority of the time. It started to understand that a little bit. I said to myself I need to put her aside just for a moment, because it's not it for me, not right now. At least I need to find the right guide that's going to guide me to where I need to be. Santa Muerte is great when you need her for certain things, to help you and protect you on certain aspects, and I think a lot of that was going on. I was pretty much questioning everything. So this journey is going to be something amazing, if you will. I'm predicting that before the end of the year, I'm going to be able to walk in heels just fine, with no problem. My feet are not going to hurt as much. I'm going to be able to walk in heels just fine, with no problem. My feet are not going to hurt as much.
Speaker 1:I'm going to fucking have awesome legs. I'm starting to get back. I need to get out, to start working out a little bit more. I know it's summer, that's where everyone starts working out a little bit more, but I'm starting to understand my body a little bit more. My mouth is getting dried a lot more faster, so I need to drink more water. I need to stay more hydrated. I don't have a lot of salt in my body because I don't eat a whole lot of salt right.
Speaker 1:So naturally, I'm going to need it, so I'm going to need to add those things into me to be able to find a good balance. Sweets I'm actually quite surprised I haven't had much sweets other than the cake I had today because I was craving cake. Quite surprised, I haven't had much sweets other than the cake I had today because I was craving cake. Um, I'm starting to see that things, everything, little thing I'm doing in my life and to be able to make these adjustments for myself, because I don't want to live in the what ifs, I want to live in the here now and move forward with it. I'm tired of, like, living behind closed doors and whatnot.
Speaker 1:I think there's one of the posts I posted up on Facebook Everyone's flexing all the wrong ways and it's like oh, I guess I need to show everybody how it's fucking done, right? So I don't know Some shit like that, right. And I got messages personally hey, what was your post about? I was like does my post need to have a meaning behind what I say? Well, you're always calling out somebody. I'm like yeah, you're right, I'm always calling out somebody. But it's something I've always said is that people are starting to flex, people are losing the weight. People are training. People are doing what they starting to flex. People are losing the weight. People are training. People are doing what they need to do. They're doing a good job. I just want to take it one fucking step further and I want to show people how it's done, and that's just my mentality right, I was just like, I'm just being a goofball, yeah, you know.
Speaker 1:And I hate it, because I hate when people think you're like, I'm like I'm attacking somebody, I'm just like if the shoe fits, wear it. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Like I think it's just your natural competitiveness, like not. It's not towards anybody specific, it's just you being competitive with life yeah, you know what I mean. So, yes, everybody else is going to be doing things, but you're like, well, yeah me too. Yeah, you know what I mean but too but because you are who you are, you're like, but I want to be even better, yeah exactly.
Speaker 1:But then it comes to that. Then we talk about my stubbornness right, because how stubborn I am, right? So, with the tarot cards and everything it did talk about how stubborn I am and I need to, like, lighten up a bit or adjust the stubbornness just to a point, right? Um, a lot of it too. I even got the devil upside down, like I have a lot of dark thoughts. I even got the devil upside down, like I have a lot of dark thoughts, stuff like that. I'll keep my dark thoughts to myself because, yes, I'm in a very dark place in my head, but that's going to be just natural stuff, right, it's something.
Speaker 2:I've always dealt with. Yeah, that's everybody's shadow.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so my shadows will be in my shadows no matter what, but it's kind of just shows that I am not going to sit here on embedded or encased in four walls anymore. Yes, I like the attention. I do crave the attention occasionally, though, but sometimes I don't even want the attention half the time, and I think I showed you some videos with that. Like Leo doesn't really want attention, they're just easily, attention's just easily attracted to them easily because it just comes naturally to them, right, and it's like, yeah, we want to be the center of attention, but not on purpose. We just have a very fine line undertone that just makes us the center of attention. It's whatever.
Speaker 1:uh, I'm cursed with it, so I'm like no, not, not at all, please don't no, no no, but at the same time, I'm learning that, yeah, I, I can be very cocky, I can be very arrogant, and I can be very that, though, but if I'm gonna be cocky and arrogant, I need to fucking cash in for the checks that I'm cashing in, because I'm not trying to write a check, and then it bounces like no bitch, like that's just not who I need to back my shit up and I don't mean yes, no, I can back that ass up.
Speaker 1:just fine, it may go. Beep, beep, bring him in, bring him in.
Speaker 2:Is he?
Speaker 1:on a hoist. No, that's a Hoya lifter.
Speaker 2:He's on an engine hoist, it's a diesel. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom.
Speaker 1:Yeah, daddy Vroom the room.
Speaker 2:So, um, I'm learning a lot about uh, that about myself too as well. But I love that you mentioned everything you just talked about for the first 20 minutes because and I'm not even going to get into it because I know a lot of people maybe not aren't into astrology but right now Pluto is in retrograde and Pluto's job is to literally do everything you just said- yeah, I kind of figured it was something going on, so it's doing this to everybody.
Speaker 2:Everybody's shit is getting cleansed out in order to make major shifts in their life regarding things that should have been done, major shifts in your life regarding things that should have been done. So and now daddy Saturn's coming around and it's going to throw karma all up in the mix and I'm just kind of like I'm just going to stay hydrated and ground myself and make my popcorn, because I'm already back in, I'm already backing away.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I, I'm I'm trying not to back away either on a lot of it at all, whatsoever. But at the same time I'm catching myself doing things period so crazy. I can hear myself while I'm walking around. These mics are awesome, that's why trying to like find excuses for myself? I mean, I've already made enough excuses for myself, right? So that's the main thing.
Speaker 1:like I miss carnival rides, I miss going to roller coaster rides um being the weight and the size that I am has put me in a slump, not depression, just more of a slump than anything else, right, um? So I'm just trying to figure out where I stand and everything, because I just want, I want things to just go fucking smoothly.
Speaker 2:That's pretty much it, right well, the thing is, because they're pairing up the way they are, what it's. What's going to happen is, regardless of what you want to do, the universe is going to make you do what you need to do so that you can catch up and be where you're always supposed to be. So there's going to be a lot of you need to do so that you can catch up and be where you were always supposed to be. So there's going to be a lot of people pissed off because they're going to want to do things, but the universe is like, yeah, no, the time for that already passed. You're supposed to be here, so guess what? We're gonna make shit happen so that you can be here yeah period.
Speaker 2:It's like I didn't plan for that. It's like, yeah, I know, but you didn't do what you're supposed to do. So I said it's like I didn't plan for that. It's like, yeah, I know, but you didn't do what you're supposed to do.
Speaker 1:So I said it's going to piss everybody off because karma is going to be like oh, I'm here, yeah, so you know Pretty much. It's just, it's like it's kind of it's very interesting and where things in time, where everything ties in, and right, it's really good.
Speaker 2:Okay, sorry, you guys, we're sampling Sprite and tea, or the Sprite tea, or whatever it's called. It kind of tastes like carbonated lemon tea.
Speaker 1:That's pretty much it. Yeah, it's not bad. Interesting but not bad. Very interesting, but anyhow. But yeah, I was very lazy today. I just didn't want to do anything at all whatsoever, I just.
Speaker 2:You're preparing. That's why.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Subconsciously we do anything at all whatsoever. I just I. I was you're preparing.
Speaker 1:That's why yeah, subconsciously, we're all preparing ever and I was doom scrolling and I was edging myself off very hardly throughout the entire day because I need to kind of get myself out of that funk, for whatever reason. Yes, I do edge guys, so it's not a bad thing.
Speaker 2:I know it's not a freaky friday podcast, but that's, it's whatever I'm very, I get to it again, but not for the other podcast, that's for the other day. Yeah, whatever.
Speaker 1:We're adults, we can talk about it. But we can talk about it.
Speaker 2:But anyway.
Speaker 1:So I'm just in bed and everything's been hitting me like a ton of bricks since last week and whatnot, and I finally was able to kind of sit back and kind of just go through my thoughts and deal with everything. And I had to take a step back because I realized where a lot of it's dimmed to and for a lot of the things for me, because, as I said, everything is just running. I ran my course when I was young. I did what I did when I was younger, right? So when you're an adult, you're trying to figure out what is the next step for you, what's the next thing for you.
Speaker 1:And as I'm at work, I'm just like I can't. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to. I'm tired of working in a nine to five, 10 hour shift for four days for corporate and I go. Man, I've been in every fucking corporate job not every company in the world because I haven't. I've never quit a job. I have only quit two jobs in my lifetime and that was pretty much it. I just said shall I do?
Speaker 1:I'm fucking done with it yeah and that was ikea, and that was for another loan industry uh, for covington credit. I walked out on them I said dude, I can't. And it's become this epitome. What's the word I'm looking for?
Speaker 1:Epiphany for me is like I'm getting tired of working these jobs. They're not doing anything for me. The only thing they're doing good for me is I have insurance and I have money coming through my pocket, right, but it's not enough to keep the bread rolling, it's not enough for me to keep my bills afloat, it's not enough to be happy and live a comfortable lifestyle. It's literally to a point where I'm just like what am I doing with my current situation that I'm in right now? What am I doing with my current situation that I'm in right now, you know, and every time and in that whole, in that whole moment, I'm just, I'm doom, scrolling through Facebook. I'm probably watching I don't know 30 videos already. I'm trying. I can't even fucking find the right video that I want to release on and I'm just like I don't even want to do that. So I'm just like I don't even want to do that. So I'm just and naturally, and then my stomach is already kicking me in the ass, right. So it's just like damn what. What have I done? What?
Speaker 2:is my life.
Speaker 1:It really is it really becomes that? What is my life? What does it come to?
Speaker 2:are you on the? Are you on the precipice of a midlife crisis, sir?
Speaker 1:um because, no, because I haven't bought it early. I haven't bought a mercedes and I haven't bought a bm. Bought it early, I haven't bought a mercedes and I haven't bought a bmw yet and I haven't gotten a ferrari I was gonna say I thought it was corvettes and ferraris I. I haven't hit that type of midlife crisis yet. My midlife crisis is when I dye my hair. That that's the closest thing I'll get to. My midlife crisis is dying my hair.
Speaker 1:That's hilarious yeah, that's my midlife crisis for me, or if I shave my head off completely, that's my midlife crisis. That's me going.
Speaker 2:Brittany did it again oh my god, is it brittany? Do it, I could do it yeah, she's.
Speaker 1:She can look beautiful as gag, and so can I. I just look like a fat pervert with my head bald. That's pretty much it. That's hilarious. I just hate shaving my head because it looks my head. My head looks like it has rights, has no tan at all whatsoever.
Speaker 2:Look, it has rights. It's that white, that's right. It's that white, that's awesome.
Speaker 1:But it's just, it's so weird to kind of like for me. It's just like I'm and I'm hearing the voices in my head Get up, get up, get up, do something, do something. And I'm pushing back like what am I going to do? What can I do for me? That I know that. So I'm literally in my head because I'm making pillows. As I'm making these pillows, I'm wondering are these pills, are going to be anything at all? Period, am I going to just? Are they going to sell? Are they going to make anything? Will people want these? We don't know. We don't know until.
Speaker 2:I try Exactly, and that's the thing.
Speaker 1:I'm taking a big gamble on.
Speaker 2:Everything is a risk. Every choice is a risk.
Speaker 1:Everything is a risk.
Speaker 2:It's a risk, especially nowadays. Especially nowadays, with the cost of living alone as it is, it's really hard to reallocate just a little bit of your money into something, because it it ends up being a huge risk for just that little bit of money, because we don't know how well it's going to do and if we're out, we're out that much so we're afraid to even gamble with a huge amount, because we could have used that for survival yeah instead, and it's just like dude.
Speaker 1:This sucks oh, very much so. Even grocery prices are so fucking ridiculous today. I'm just like, because we only bought like a couple of things, it was like 17, 20 dollars. I'm just like for a bag coffee's seven fucking dollars.
Speaker 1:I'm just like, wasn't this cheaper? And I'm like hb branch should not be that expensive. But I digress. But it's become. It's becoming a place where I'm just like, okay, what can I do? What can I do? That's going to be fun and I and the reason I picked drag and I wanted to do drag is and the reason I never did it for such a long time because I've always wanted to do drag.
Speaker 1:I thought drag was such a phenomenal thing to do and how people did it. It is such a fucking cutthroat industry. And just to do it for yourself and then having to find someone to teach you and then to get your foot into the door and you need to find the right person to get you into the door, that's hard because it's just like corporation. It's like, okay, you got to kiss someone's ass and be like, okay, well, that's hard because it's just like corporation. It's like, okay, you got to kiss someone's ass and be like, okay, well, that's fine.
Speaker 1:But in this industry, I don't mind finding somebody and actually kissing their ass and actually fucking their ass too at the same time, and be like, yeah, I'm your fucking daddy bitch, you know, but and but. That's just the thing. Like it, it becomes a very that and I've I'm always said I don't know if I'm ready to be as popular as I want to be, and then, at the same time, I'm just like I just want to be popular enough for people to know who I am. I don't want to be top tier, fucking superstar of the world or type shit, you know, I just want to be able to go fuck. I did this and now I can just be at home just making and creating shit.
Speaker 2:But whatever it is that you do, you can still say fuck, I can do this.
Speaker 1:Or I did this. It doesn't matter.
Speaker 2:Just because people know that you did, it doesn't make it any less true, yeah. Yeah, exactly, just I just want to be late because I don't. I for me, this is just me. We already know.
Speaker 2:You and I are opposites in in that regard, when it comes to fame or popularity, I'm like, oh god, please don't, don't, don't put the spotlight on me, don't, don't make me go up in there on the stage like I don't like. Do I like to do things absolutely? Does it help a lot of people, sure, if I'm the go-to person or if I'm the name that? They go to for this or that or whatever cool beans. I'm cool with that, like I.
Speaker 1:I don't like, if someone says your name, like you, they're like oh yeah, I have this girl didi. Oh my god, is this the didi that does like? This is not they do that be like?
Speaker 2:oh my god, shit there's. I don't want they're starting to know me, you know like yeah, like I said, I'm the total opposite, like crap. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:But you'd be like the opposite of a drug dealer, like probably people know where to get their shit from. You're just like no, don't come over here yeah, I'm scared.
Speaker 2:It's not that I think what it is is because I've always held this um, this standard for myself, and I know it's ridiculous, I know it's out there, but this is just who I am for towards me guys. It's got nothing to do, nobody else, but I hold myself to such a high standard. So when more people start to come to me for something, I start to be like okay, I'm really feeling the pressure, like you know what? Because I feel like I have to excel in my performance in order to push out quality shit which, technically, I'm learning, I'm learning now. That quality shit which, technically, I'm learning, I'm learning now. That is not true. I don't have to do that because they're coming to me for my stuff where it's already at. I don't have to go above and beyond right you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:And if they don't like it, well then guess what you'll. You're gonna realize this isn't for you after all. Maybe you thought because somebody else had this well, guess what. It was different for them than it was for you.
Speaker 1:Like, I'm gonna do whatever it is I need to do for me? Yeah, exactly. And when I'm thinking like when I'm making like stuff for me, and people like, oh, do you want to go into fashion? It's like I don't know if I want to go into fashion to be able to understand fashion. I think I just want to go into it to be like I know I can create something and if I want to create it for somebody else they can just go buy the shit and just pay me for my work that I would do to be able to do that.
Speaker 1:And that's how.
Speaker 2:I am. That's why I've never gone to school for anything. The only thing I went to school for which is hilarious is the hair. I went to hair school to become a cosmetologist. The funny thing is they're like, oh, so that's why you know how to do hair and makeup. I'm like, oh no, absolutely not. I already knew how. But my uncle offered, like, pick anything that you already do and I'll pay for you to get licensed for it so that you can create a business out of it.
Speaker 2:And I was like, oh, okay, that happened to be the cheapest and easiest available in my hometown, in my area right so that's what I did, right so of course, school was cake for me because, they're like oh my god, you're so good at this. I'm like, if y'all only knew which I've been doing this since I was 14. Yeah, like I already knew my shit so it was cake. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Like I don't know what I know because somebody taught me, I taught myself I think I want to go into vocational school because I want to take a vocational class specifically for welding, and I just want to know, I just want to learn. That only reasons because a lot of the things that I want to put together it's going to require me to maybe to put some welding on it or whatnot, and because we're in the King community well, guess what? I can make certain things that are going to be pretty much where it's at, and if I know welding enough, I can weld certain things and put things together. So I would love to learn something like that, you know, just to be able to do it, and then I can go for a vocational school for nine months and be done with it Right.
Speaker 2:I will say this. I will say this as somebody who has been down this path that you're on. You know I've. I've told people before I do a ridiculous amount of things. I know how to do a ridiculous amount of things.
Speaker 2:I'm in the same boat because, everybody's like oh, how come you didn't do this with that, how come you didn't do that with that? And I'm just like money, money, straight up, because I can do, I can go into my storage and I can pick any damn binder and I can be like business is already done. I just never had the funds to start it up because I had so much time on my hands. I was like okay.
Speaker 1:You've created a portfolio for it.
Speaker 2:Exactly. I had no money, but I had time. I had my brain, I had my creativity, so I did what I could. What can I do? I did my research, I penciled my ideas, I printed things out for future purposes. It's a done deal, they're all done, but I never had the funds. Now do I regret that there's so much stuff sitting in that storage untouched? No, I don't. I don't, because if I ever need something, I have my backup in case right.
Speaker 2:If there's ever money, if anybody's ever interested on doing anything. It's like, hey, I got help and they'd be like how the hell did you know? I had a lot of time, man. I had a lot of time Like I was interested in something but I couldn't fund my way to either learn it or educate it or get it off the ground. So I just taught myself whatever I could know and I prepared myself in the event that I could do this stuff. So here and now it's like, oh, is it too late for me to start any of that stuff? Hell, no.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, no it's not, and no, no it's not, and it's never not because it's like it's, but for me it's such a bummer for me. I don't know why I'm so such a bummer for it or why I feel so bummed about it. It's just one of those things like I just feel this need to want. I want to get up and go. I want to get up and go, right.
Speaker 2:I want to, I want to.
Speaker 1:I want to learn these pillows and you need to do it right, because there are seams and hems on them so maybe, maybe, what it is is you're tired of starting things but not finishing no, no, and there's still so much, and so it's piling up because I'm like I want to do this, this, this is too, but dang it, okay.
Speaker 2:Okay, stay focus, stay focus. But there's all these other things, right?
Speaker 1:so the reason why I stuck more on the focus and the sewing side for me and making these pillows in the sense, like I said in the last podcast is that I wanted to do these things because I said I wanted to start a project that I have and I like it was so much fun making my first pillow because I made my first pillow was the. It was my first pillow and I made it would have the disney fillings on it, which was really cute and it was one of my best creations. On it, I goes like I wonder how easy it is to make pillows and I saw somebody making pillows online too as well. I was like, oh, these are really pretty fucking cool. I can make a ton of these. These are actually not that bad. Yeah, um, after a while, as I started making these pillows, when I make the pillow, I'm like cool, and I was using my roommate's sewing machine. I wanted my own sewing machine. So as I got my own sewing machine, I said fuck it. I started busting out all the t-shirts that I have and everything Right. So I'm just like, okay, I need a stabilizer and everything else.
Speaker 1:Now that I had the sewing machine, I'm using YouTube University to want to go. How do I make all those fucking uh patterns that I have that are sitting here? They're just sitting right. I can make my own shit. I can make my own shorts. I don't have to do about worry about making shit on, buying shit on sheen and making money. I can put it to like fabric and just be like dude. I made these badass fucking shorts for me like fuck, yeah, I made these jock straps just for me that you're not going to get anywhere else and they fit me Right. That's something that I was so happy to make. It was for me, yeah, and the same thing was for the leather. I wanted to make my own harnesses, my own stuff, because I wanted to fit me, because $200, $300, $400 for fucking leather.
Speaker 2:Bro, two, three, four hundred dollars for fucking leather bro, the fuck, the fuck you mean? Yeah, because leather alone is expensive, and then the crafts, the craft work for it again expensive, right?
Speaker 1:yeah, because it takes a lot of work, but in you're going to a third, you're going to a story that's buying it literally. We saw it on. You know what is it called?
Speaker 1:alibaba, whatever alibaba we saw how cheap that shit was and I'm just like I can't just buy my shit here and just do it. And then, as I'm seeing the prices, how much it adds up, I'm like, bro, I really can buy it. I just like this is all the money I need just to get my shit here to me, like now. Seriously, it pisses me off. I get it. Yeah, it's not. And you know what?
Speaker 2:It's cool because, but the thing is that's only half of it. Right Because the other half is you teaching yourself how to actually implement what you learn and what you just bought to actually complete a product.
Speaker 1:And you know what I should be doing. If I wanted to like really play with like leather and get to know it, I can just go buy it off their like clearance rack and just go and get that and just play with that before I play with anything else, because that's where it's going to be. Yep, you know so I haven't really, and I see people who who just pick up the talent for it.
Speaker 2:I'm just like bro, it is what it is, yeah and and I've and I will speak on that because there are people that I have felt give me shit for it- Really. They gave me I'm sorry, gave me shit in the past. There's an attitude in their tone when they say things to me regarding any one of my talents, right, and I'm just kind of like, ok, I'm not using my talent and creating things for whatever this is. So why are you giving me the attitude, bro, like are you hating?
Speaker 2:yeah, you know, it's like well, you could just do it like that, like um, I'm not gonna apologize for that, like sorry if it came naturally to me. What do you want me to say?
Speaker 1:yeah, and like those who could pick it up easily for me, I'm just like you motherfuckers. Can you teach me how did you do that?
Speaker 2:like I'm hiding but here's the thing that comes from, a place where I see, and now I know why they were. They had an attitude towards me because it was easy for me. It came easy to me yeah them.
Speaker 2:it's like I gotta learn it. I can't do like that, I can't it just, I can't just produce something like that. I need to learn it, I need to take my time, I need to practice, I need to whatever. But if they were in my shoes, they would have done something totally different, because they're like shit, I got this, let me do this. This is this. Well, guess what? I didn't have those opportunities, so they're upset because they are pissed that I'm not doing what they would have done in my shoes. That's all it is. That's all it is Because I could say the same thing about somebody who's rich I mean, I don't care for money but I can say the same thing is like well, money just came easy to them and now look at that they're leaving it up and not me, like okay, so why am I mad about it?
Speaker 1:right you know, it is because well you got no one else to blame but yourself yeah, I was like well, how come it didn't come easy to me?
Speaker 2:because, you know what?
Speaker 1:because it just didn't dude yeah, it just didn't, you weren't bored into it hope yeah, I certainly wasn't, you know, I know it's like and it's funny because I'm starting to realize that too as well but I do get sometimes. I do get a little ass hurt, because when I see people who can do it a little bit better than I can and I have to fucking learn how to do it I'm just like you, cunt. They're just like what I was like. You did that so fucking easily.
Speaker 2:That's how I I mean, I wouldn't have that attitude, but I could literally sit there on the table with my hands, like my face in my hands, and just watch james for hours, just do it. I'm just kind of like, how, how do you do? Like, bro, you're just there like like totally bored like, and I'm just sitting there like how are you doing this?
Speaker 1:I could never.
Speaker 2:I could never.
Speaker 1:This is, it would fascinate me it was literally fascinating to me how he would just make things and do, and I'm just sitting there like you know, and it fascinates me too to see people who can do the things that they do you know, what I mean and, as they say, like some of the stuff that people how they we saw the jeans, the pants with the rainbow and the with the rhinestones and everything.
Speaker 2:I'm just like my shit that I would ever wear, but on somebody else. Uh, adorable. Yeah, I'm just like okay, okay, that's actually.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's actually pretty fucking cool. I'm just like oh, that's actually not a bad idea. So that's where I got a lot of the okay. Well, let me dab a little bit more into what I need to do. But I already have the fabric. I might as well just start somewhere where I can get my foot into the door somewhere, right? Yeah, so that's why I bought this kind of like the sequences and everything. I was like okay, that's, I have this. Now let me see if I can kind of hand sew them and how I'm going to sew them. I'm just kind of sewing them on like a piece of fabric, yeah, For practice.
Speaker 1:For practice purposes, right, just to be able to sew a sequence on properly Rhinestones. You already told me about that and everything thing. Yeah, and as I'm like going throughout my entire day and and figuring out things out and I finally get out of bed and I finally make something to eat, um, it dawned on me, it's like it, you or I allowed myself to have these people tell me throughout my time that I was never going to be good at anything the only time I knew I was ever good at something is when I was in theater.
Speaker 1:When I did theater, like in sixth grade. That was the only and last time I did theater. Uh, because the teacher saw talent in me. Uh, she said you would be a great comedian because you were funny. You, you know, because she allowed us to be us, because it was a theater class, right, it was fun. It's when I got to learn how to make little puppets and hand sewing, crafting on on all of that, and, you know, doing voices, and I love doing voices, you know that you guys know that, yeah, y'all, y'all, even know that.
Speaker 1:So it became a. That was my happy place. That was genuinely my. That was. I can pinpoint a time that that point in time for me was the most happiest time of my life, because it was genuinely where I felt the most comfortable until later on in life oh so you're a faggot, oh you're gay. And it was crushing me because I allowed a a thing to get in the way for me growing up. Even to this day, I still hear those. I still hear it in my head You're nothing, you're you're head, you're nothing, you're lazy, you don't have talent. Why are you trying to do it? I'm hearing all of this from people around me that used to tell me that still, and it still irks me. I'm just like, yeah, we're not doing that, because it's your shadow.
Speaker 2:And you haven't been able to process it where it's completely gone yet, because the day that you do, you're not going to hear that anymore and you're not going to feel limited anymore. Right, you know what I mean. And it sucks because, like I said, those particular kinds of shadows, those are the ones that people don't want to do, because those are the ones that are going to kick your ass oh, it's been kicking me in the ass for quite some time and it's going to unfortunately and that's the shitty thing too, because everybody's kind of like oh well, if you just heal your gravy like no, healing never stops until the day you die.
Speaker 2:It's not this one. It's not like oh, just sit with it, have a dark night of the soul and you'll be gravy, like no. No, there's people that, yes, they will go through this one major dark night of the soul where everything in their life completely flips and they're a whole new person. They're a better, better version of themselves Awesome. There's other people. They go through multiple dark nights of the soul because it's an ongoing thing. Unfortunately, I'm the second one and it sucks.
Speaker 1:But whatever.
Speaker 2:Kill me now, but either way, they both end up with you being the better version of yourself if you actually stick to it and learn the lessons. Is it easy? Absolutely not. Does it suck? It sucks ass bad. Like it, it kills. You know what I mean. Like, yes, we can go through the human experience and whatever you know outside sources deaths, for example and they suck right this stuff. Sad to say, it sucks worse because you're dying. You are dying right, but you're alive.
Speaker 2:At the same time, you're dying on the inside because it's the old version of you and you mourn the shit out of it for the rest of your life it sucks yeah, the reward is the best thing and I was looking and I was like man, well, I was doing so good because I saved up money.
Speaker 1:I saved up like 2500 and what the hell happened? It happened because life no, well, that life got. Life got in the way, yes, but it kind of it showed me something about me as a person is that when I put my mind and I'm ready to save the money for it and I know I can do it, I'm at my happiest. But when I start spending on things that I don't need, it becomes where I'm at my status. But now I'm buying things, now because I know I need them and it's something that I'm just like.
Speaker 1:I can either do this and make something great out of it and show the world that I'm ready to do this, even if I'm late to the game, and I don't care if I am late to the game and I don't care if we're in a fucking place where it's just like, oh well, the economy is shit, that's fine, let the economy be shit. I will find a way. Where there's a will, there's a way and we will. I will always find a way to make things work out so people can live a better lifestyle for me, for myself and for them. This is not about me. This is about creating something that's spectacular, you know, and being able to perform. And being able to do that.
Speaker 1:I do miss it. I do miss being I secluded myself for almost since I've been with my after, I think, three, four years into our relationship, I secluded myself to get away from social media and on that, and I think I'm kind of done being secluded. I need to put myself more out there and I think that's. I think that's the main thing, because people don't want me to come back out. They like that I wasn't around. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:and I'm not talking about, like going to the bars or what like going to the bars like I've one of the examples was going to one of the events and people were just like what are you doing here? Blah, blah, blah. I'm just like, oh my God, I make such an impact on somebody. This is fucking awesome. So it's like it's just pretty much that, but it's, you know, pretty much dealing with. It's going. Ok, I need to take a deep breath. I need to look at what I have. What can I do? I have the makeup, I have the skills. I have a best friend who's a fucking great makeup artist right, who I can get my shit from that. I don't really need to go and buy fucking palettes on palettes, on palettes, on palettes.
Speaker 1:I can just be like bestie you know, and it just becomes that it's like I can just pay you for the shit, right? So it's like I don't need to do anything, I just need to.
Speaker 2:You just need to work with what you have already yeah, and make it fucking work.
Speaker 1:So if it's making something out of these patterns or quilts that I have, then so be it. So be it. Then so be it, and I will make it work. Look, if I can't make pillows out of these shirts that I have not whatnot? Then you know what I'll do next. Let me see if I can make a t-shirt out of everything, and it'll be my Frankenstein t-shirts, you know, a Frankenstein button-up or something that will be added on. I need to know everything about myself as a person and, yeah, I probably do need to lose the weight so I can be more comfortable in my own body and skin. You know, so it becomes. It's a lot of it is like.
Speaker 2:I love that you said that I had a I'm not going to say an epiphany, but I had a moment last night. I deal with my things at night, by the way, so I think we all do it's always a night thing. I'm just sitting there, like anyways but I'm processing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was processing something and that popped up the whole body thing, the confidence, the whatever. I'm just like, yeah, I lack it, bad, and but I have for years and I my stuff stemmed back to when I was my most unhappy. It was because I was in specific relationships, that where I was still being a narcissistic victim that's the shitty part and I remember that was my most unhappy, that was my heaviest, that was my most unhealthy. Like bad, it was so bad.
Speaker 2:My brain has blocked out years of specific relationships because when somebody had mentioned something, I was just like, oh, I lived in that neighborhood and they're like, oh, yeah, what street? And I was like, um, holy shit, I I don't remember the name, like I don't remember the name of the house that I lived in, right. So I started thinking like I was, like I know, don't remember the name, like I don't remember the name of the house that I lived in, right. So I started thinking like I was, like I know it's on the corner and I'm like, oh, my god, I don't know what the inside of that house looks like yeah that's how bad it was.
Speaker 2:I don't know what happened my brain, my brain's protecting me from something, I suppose, and uh, cool, I'll take it. But I was literally like if I walked into the door of my house, where was my room? Where was my bathroom? What did I have in my like? This was my house. I don't remember anything about it. That's horrible. That is horrible Like what happened to me, what happened to me in that era that my brain had to block it out.
Speaker 1:Because I remember you. Sorry, I don't mean to cut you off out because I remember when I first met you you you were with james and I remember you were wearing low-cut shirts. I remember you wearing low-cut shirts. That's how I know, that's how I, that's how I gave you the name well, yeah, because you can see all my chest piece yeah that's how you got the name, the chichi girl, because that's who, that's what, how it was that's how it was tattoo titty girl, was it yeah?
Speaker 1:it was tattoo titty girl. Yeah, it was either. Tattoo titty girl, the chichi girl, it was one of those two. I'll never forget, james you mean didi, my wife like oh yeah, her um I'm sorry my bad, I just didn't know her fucking name. I just remember she had a fucking badass t and she was the tattoo titty girl so did that offend you good?
Speaker 2:it's like, yeah, you're looking at my girl's tits, literally I'm gay, I mean I'm looking at your dick too.
Speaker 1:But here we are. Where's the big dick guy who I don't know?
Speaker 2:the one with the big the one with the chops, the one with the chops, dad, that would be like.
Speaker 1:You know what I see? You thought I was being sexist and now you turn it back and turn it on you that is hilarious.
Speaker 2:No, but I was, and I had. I had a moment where I was just kind of like you know what? I've not been nice to my body? Yeah, I've not, I've I've let it go I didn't give it, I didn't give it the attention that it deserved, Considering it's carrying me through some shit my entire life. I have neglected the shit out of it.
Speaker 2:I've treated it badly, not with intention, not with intention, it's just I'm so in my head about everything else, I just tend to neglect my body. So I had this moment and I was kind of like, okay, serious, like what is my deal? You know what I mean? My deal is because it stemmed from this. Well, guess what, I'm not dealing with that, no more. I'm a totally different person. So how come I haven't? It's like oh, because it wasn't first on my list.
Speaker 1:That's all.
Speaker 2:So my thing is like okay, do I want to lose the weight? Do I want? In all honesty, maybe it's my age, maybe it's my mentality, I don't care. If I stay this size, I stay this size. If I get smaller, cool. If I get bigger, it's whatever. But my thing is, my goal with my body is just to honor it more.
Speaker 1:I just need to take care of it better.
Speaker 2:I need to feed it better, I need to cleanse it better. I need to keep up with it better, just to honor it for what it's done for me, because to this day it's still carrying me through all of the shit that I've been through physically, mentally, emotionally because it manifests in your body right, you know what I mean, because I did poor thing. You look like crap because you've been through shit. You know what I mean. Like it's you're starting.
Speaker 1:What is it? You have you seen? Uh, it was uh mr crab, where he sheds his skeletal shit and he just has all that skin and what. That's how I felt when I was looking in the mirror.
Speaker 2:I'm just like, wow, this is yeah, so my so my confidence, like I said, it's not up there. So, yes, I already know where you were gonna go with that whole like oh yeah, you used to, I did I used to wear things that would show me off a lot better than now, because now I'm just graphic teasing jeans, yeah graphic teasing jeans.
Speaker 1:I'm just saying that's it I don't know, always tell people it's like, yeah, she's beautiful man, she had this like this chest piece and everything. And people are like I thought she had a chest piece. It's there, you don't see it. Like up of her fucking collar. She's like I thought she would always wear low cuts.
Speaker 2:I thought so too, but either that or it's a placebo effect no, I had closets full of all these pretty clothes that I would wear on a regular when I worked um at avenue years ago. Two closets full of you know, pretty things. But, like I said, my body over the years I didn't. I just didn't love it anymore. I didn't have any love for it at all but, like I said, it stems from a different place.
Speaker 2:So now that I'm here, I'm just like you know what my body is, what it is man like. Is it the greatest? No, by a long shot. Can I do better? Absolutely. Can I still do? Yeah, because I have the chance here now yeah instead of, when I'm 80 years old, be like yeah, I can't move for shit, you know?
Speaker 1:like yeah, that was my main thing. I just don't want to get like into, well, into my 40s and I'm just I. My excuse is I'm fat or I'm overweight and I'm already seeing that already a lot for myself. You know what I mean. It's just like, oh, I can't go skydiving. I'm just like, oh, I would love to go skydiving. Why don't you? Um, because you know I'm fat and gravity is not my best friend. I would.
Speaker 2:I would plummet a lot more faster you know, it's funny when people are just like you're not like stop, it's like no. No, I'm sorry, maybe you misunderstood. I'm gonna talk about myself. However, I want to talk about myself. I'm not doing it for attention yeah, I really yeah. Yeah, I know what I look like bro and I this is my perception of my body you might see me a different way. You might see me uglier, or you might see me prettier, it doesn't matter. And cool, whatever you can have, whatever opinion you want.
Speaker 1:My uh rad gets mad at me when I do that too as well.
Speaker 2:I'm just like, and I get it, I get it and I do. I want to do that. No, but I think I'm so. I'm just so used to doing it in a comedic way. I'll make fun of myself all day. Every day, it's whatever right you know what I mean, because and it's not like, oh well, you do that, so people will. You know, they will. It won't hurt you when they do that.
Speaker 2:I don't give a shit if they do that, bro, I really don't like, because I get it before it's like oh, you're trying to beat him to the punch, so you won't get hit like no, this is who I am this is who I've always been.
Speaker 1:This is just what this is our humor's like in my family. Yeah it, that's just how my my humor always was. But when I remember, when I was growing up and well into my 20s, I dude, I felt hot, I looked hot I felt great. I man. I was fucking men left and right like I literally had men coming in out of my doors every single, to the point where fucking the management from front of front was like yo what's with the traffic? Yeah, what's with the traffic?
Speaker 1:you know, yeah, it was that bad, like I had complaints every single time and I'm just like, oops, I can't help it. You know, get what you get, um, but it was kind of like it was kind of it was that and I kind of missed that. I don't I'm not missing to be whole, because I'm still a hole, that I'm fat. I could still do it even if I'm fat, you know, but I'm fat. But I just don't want to know more. What ifs? I want to do things, I want to get moving to it.
Speaker 1:I know I'm not where I want to be and I know where I need to be, and then it's never too late to do anything. So, coming to the end of our podcast, here is that hashtag you're. It's never too late.
Speaker 2:Exactly it's never too late, hashtag. The answer is no, it's never too late.
Speaker 1:No, go and get your nipples, peers, go and get that kitty clipped.
Speaker 2:Go do whatever the hell it is that you want to do. You ever wanted period Do what you want to do.
Speaker 1:I think it's just that, like I'm wanting to do the gastric bypass but everyone's telling me to do the sleeve and I'm having second thoughts of doing it because I'm just like I think I'm going to do it myself and just put it.
Speaker 2:Just put the work in.
Speaker 1:Put the work in, because you know what, if I take the easy way out and just say, oh, yeah, I'll just go ahead and do the sleeve, that's just me taking a shortcut. It was because I was being too lazy to do the work. Yeah, that's funny.
Speaker 2:I had talked about that with my aunt, I think, the other day. I was like people can do and take and ingest and surgically do whatever they need to to lose the weight, to get skinny, to thin, to shape themselves, whatever. But it's not going to last if your mentality isn't where it needs to be first, because the thing is you have your sleeve cool beans. Well, guess what now you can eat? Maybe the amount that's the size of a boiled egg yeah if you're not mentally prepared to be okay with that, then guess what?
Speaker 2:you're gonna start squeezing in this, here and there, here and there, and then it's gonna just go right back to where you were anyways it needs to be your mental state first I can mentally handle it.
Speaker 1:That's not the issue, because I've done it before in the past. It's not the issue or the problem. Yeah, um, the thing is is it's like oh, it wasn't saying that you wouldn't oh yeah, no, no, it's just the fact that you want to do it and put in the work.
Speaker 2:That's where it's at yeah not not to say that you can't. You can go and change your mind and get the sleeve or the bypass if you want to, but the fact that your mentality is already like you know, you know what I'm just gonna do the work, like that's where other people should be yeah in their mental state.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean I should be doing the work and I shouldn't make it. I should not be making any excuses at all for myself, or that or for anybody or taking any shortcuts period, and I think that's a lot of things where I'm also missing in the message, when it comes to my spirituality too as well, because I forget, um, who I am as a person at times and where have I been, what's happened to me, what it's all, and some things have become epiphany to me.
Speaker 2:I'm just saying, oh, that's and on the opposite of the spectrum, people go way too far. On the other end, and they don't, they forget that they're not the ones that are actually in charge.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that for me, that I'm just sitting there like yeah, and this is gonna turn out really entertaining for the rest of us yeah, and I know that I'm not in charge of it, though, but sometimes I do have to be stubborn until life or the universe itself is like I'm not.
Speaker 1:I can't let you playing with you I'm not playing with you, bitch, like no, it's like I can't let the universe be like I'm gonna let. I can't always say I'm gonna leave it in your hands. Give me the direction where I need to leave, because half the time it doesn't always say I'm going to leave it in your hands. Give me the direction where I need to leave, because half the time it doesn't always work out the way I wanted it to do.
Speaker 2:That was meant to happen, though.
Speaker 1:It's meant to happen. But at the same time I'm just like I will give the universe certain things of my life and say if it was meant to be, it's meant to be. And this is like friendships, relationships, love. But when it comes to my career, money, everything else technically, it's everything, love it's everything.
Speaker 1:But here's the thing I I will have choice and free will though I do have choice and free will, because it's like I will leave those options on the table for them. The only thing and the options that I want to kind of grasp and I know I'm very stubborn about, yeah is my career, my money and what I want. And the reason I say that is because, look, they can give me curveballs all day, every day, and I'm just going to look at it and go fuck you like yeah, you're going to find a way.
Speaker 2:You're going to find a way. I always do I always find a way.
Speaker 1:So it's. I'm just like I've already made my stance and where I want you to control and be able to take and run with that. I want to take control over this. If there's something that I need to slow down on that, I need a knocking at the door for an opportunity.
Speaker 2:It's going to do it anyway, then give it, yep.
Speaker 1:But don't fucking hit me and gut me where I need to be at. You know, that's kind of I mean, I mean yeah. I mean yeah, I mean reality, yeah, you're not wrong, but at the same time I'm getting tired of it because, look, they've always say, oh God doesn't give his best. I'm tired of being on the fucking front lines. Bitch, I want to be benched.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I say the same thing and I'm just like, oh yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because I'm not handling it very well and you know saying it out loud now and making it feels good because it's like I know I'm making a stance for myself. You I have always told the universe you giving me this fucking free will to do what I need to do, to make things happen. My free will has already been wasted already in my 30s. I've done great in my 20s. I have an amazing relationship in my 30s. Now I need that shit back to me. I need it for me, not for you. I will let you have this portion of my life. Let me have this portion of my life. That's all I'm asking. That's all I really fucking care about. I will do everything I can to make it happen, to say thank you, I appreciate it. You need me to slow down. Don't fucking hit me hard where I need to be hitting hard the most and don't come after my money that's that.
Speaker 2:Well, that's the thing. We can't tell it when to do it or how to do it. It's going to do it, and if it's hard it's because it needed to be oh, no, we were either we weren't going to pay attention or it's a hit had already been showing us and we were just kind of like, nah, no I think until it's like bitch we're gonna do it.
Speaker 1:I will finish this up really quickly. Is that I get what you're saying? Yeah, I 100 do. I'm not knocking what you're saying, yeah. What I'm saying is is that I am already into a point where I am like I'm over what the universe has put on the table for me already and how much of it that I've just said enough enough is enough already.
Speaker 1:I, I genuinely appreciate everything the universe has given me. I really have appreciated everything the good days, the bad days, those horrible days, whatever it is. I'm, it's, I'm done, I. That's all behind me and I appreciate that I've learned from all of that. The next thing that I need them to do is literally hop off of my dick just for a moment. That's pretty much it. That's all I want you to do is just hop off my dick just for a moment. You know I'm not trying and it's like I'm taking back and reclaiming what's mine. I put a lot of faith into the universe to get me what I needed and it hasn't quite worked out the way I need it to be. So you know what.
Speaker 1:What and.
Speaker 2:I'm not going to be 100% on this, but your North Node is in Aries, in the sixth house, sir. The sixth house has to do with routines, daily life, pets, health and I'm not sure exactly what else. That is what your destiny is, so, technically. If you're getting shit into the stick from the universe and you're getting tired of it, it's because you doing things you want to do and the universe is like.
Speaker 2:This is not what you're meant to do, though you want to do it and we get pissed off because it's like no, but I wanna, you know what I mean. Like give it to me now. We're gonna throw tantrums because, hey, we're human, you know what I mean. We want what we want, but it doesn't necessarily mean that's what we're meant to fulfill in this you're not wrong really sucks, because guess where am I? No, no, does that family and I'm like hell no that's the thing where I'm getting it's like I'm not.
Speaker 1:Look, I get what, I get what they're saying, I get what the, the whole zodiac signs the. I'm big into it too as well I get it.
Speaker 2:I felt like damn, just like saying that, oh, that is a good, because I can I can do health, I can do all of that.
Speaker 1:That is fine. I can do that.
Speaker 2:That's not an issue, it's just and that's probably why that's easy for you. Huh, that's probably why it's easy for you, yeah, I know yeah, yeah, yeah I know. That's why the whole family life is easy for me, do I?
Speaker 1:want it? No, but it's easy for me.
Speaker 2:Why? Because that's what I meant to do. That's I'm like, oh, why so?
Speaker 1:no, I know what I meant to do. I know what my north note says and what I need to do. It. It's just that, bro. Okay, I can do that. I can do what it's requested of me and do it. I will do what you're requesting of me to do, but I do need you to hop off my dick and let me do what I want to do. If I do this, let me do this. Like I, simple as that, like maybe that's the point.
Speaker 2:If we fulfill what we're supposed to, then do we get our rewards and do whatever we want I'm just saying, I mean, it is what it is like that would be awesome it would be awesome.
Speaker 1:It would be awesome, but I mean I'm not trying to get into like fitness and trying to do the whole.
Speaker 1:Yeah it's not my thing. It's never been my thing. Yeah, I know it's in my north node, though, but if I started doing what it told me to do, I'm not going to be happy, because that's not what I feel like my calling is. Just because you gave me a calling doesn't mean I want to do it. So, yes, this is where I always will tell the universe get off my dick and let me do what I want. I've already had enough with my parents telling me what the fuck to do. Give me my free will that I was supposed to be given, and let me have it.
Speaker 2:You got it. Yeah, I got it. Everybody uses it. Everyone uses it, but I haven't been. Free will is the only thing that cannot be swayed, which is fine yeah, but the thing is, we start to alter our own path that's fine choice and free will.
Speaker 2:So that again and of course it goes back to the holes like, okay, yeah, you have your choice for free will, but if this is going on, it's because your choices and free will has brought you here and it's not for you. So you're like okay, fine, I'll turn this way. You know what I mean. So you go down the different direction you're like hey, how about this, but that's the whole point is we need to.
Speaker 1:I think that's where my stubbornness is coming in from too as well, because I'm just saying but this explains why you get like you're over it.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. You're over it because you're like yo. How come every direction that I'm trying to take, you cut me off?
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know what I mean. Because it's getting frustrating, because it's just like I stop trying to push me and it's like the same thing with my mom, like, oh, if you got into like health and you know nursing and all of that, you'd be so great at it. I'm just like it's not my calling, I don't. I mean it's in my fucking north node, but still it's not.
Speaker 1:It's not where I want to be at yeah it's not because I know that if I do it, no one's gonna fucking listen. You know what I mean and it's like you don't know. I do know, I do know, because how many times have I told these fucking assholes who are working out how's your fucking cardio? And I can see that you're not working on your cardio it's the delivery that pisses them.
Speaker 2:I'll just say they're like this way how's your cardio? What do you mean by that? Exactly?
Speaker 1:what I meant. Yeah, because I was talking, we'll save it for another podcast. Yeah, that's hilarious, but anywho, until we meet again, I am your host, jesse James.
Speaker 2:And I am your co-host, Dee Dee.
Speaker 1:Until next time, mature mischief. Until next time, mature mischief podcast and our fucking amazing gremlins who continue to tune.
