Resentment & Expectations in Relationships

In this episode I talk about resentment and expectations in relationship.

How resentment can take root, what that word may mean for both you and your partner, and so much more.
 
I also dive into looking at the expectations we place on our partners and how unmet expectations can lead to resentment and even questioning the relationship as a whole. But we shouldn't expect our partners to be all of the things to us. That's impossible.

Links:
INTENTION Monthly Coaching
Podcast going into detail about INTENTION (Episode 7)

"Find Your Unicorn Space" Eve Rodsky
Eve Rodsky on MomWell Podcast talking about "Unicorn Space"

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Transcript

 Take two, my friends. In true ADHD fashion, I recorded this whole podcast, which ended up being 30 minutes.  And somehow had muted myself. So the audio didn't work. So let's try it again. This is a solo episode. I wanted to have a bit of a chat,  one way chat, I guess, but you know how it goes.

A chat about relationships. That's a topic we're covering in intention. My group coaching program, we're going to talk about relationships, specifically resentment and expectations. First, I want to talk a little bit about resentment, and if you look at the definition, resentment is basically bitter indignation.

So basically being anger or annoyed at having been treated unfairly, and that comes in the form of an emotional response.  A lot of the times this sets in when we have big life changes, specifically think like when you have the birth of a child or big moves, we'll talk more about that in a little bit, but first I want you to think what that word means both for you and your partner.

 Ideally it's something that you're actually having a chat about,  but it might come about in a different way. So for me, my partner and I have talked about resentment or rather I have talked about resentment that has come up for me, but he always had. a reaction that I thought was disproportionate to what we were talking about.

He got really defensive. It was really, really charged for him. And so I began to reflect on that and really start to look at it. And I realized that for him, his interpretation of what resentment is was different than my own. And for him, when I say I resent something or I resent him, he is taking it very much akin, very much exactly like I am saying, I hate you.

I hate this. It's a really loaded word for him. So when you talk to your partner about it, you need to look at what their response is to it.  If it is something, say like my partner, 1. Explaining what you really mean. That's what I had to do. I had to explain, look, when I'm saying I resent this or I resent you, I'm not saying I hate you.

I am simply saying that this thing, this whatever, gives me negative feelings. And in me, it creates  A bit of frustration, a bit of annoyance, it creates like a sticking point and it's something that I want to work on and I want to get past.  So for him, I understand, I had to explain that. And I also have to keep on board that it's a really charged word for him.

So maybe we can use another word. And that's a solution. That's really simple. A lot of the times, if your partner is somebody who. It's really, really charged by that word. Maybe the compromise is simply using a different word. Maybe it's better clarifying what you mean by that word. And I guess I should have started this and I'm just going to insert here that I want to remind you, I'm obviously not a psychologist.

I'm not a therapist. I'm not a couples counselor. I am simply someone who has done a lot of research, who has had my own lived experience. We're coming up on a 10 year anniversary of my own relationship right now with. Yes, of course, I had previous relationships before that. So there's been a lot of learning along the way and resentment and expectations have been a big thing that have come up for me.

As we're looking at what that word means for you and your partner, also taking on board, maybe, maybe having to adjust the language a little bit there, maybe finding a different terminology, a different vocabulary to describe what you mean, but still getting the same point across. As I said earlier, there are times when resentment can really start to take root and a very, very common one is post birth.

 Especially, especially I think when you go from being a couple to being a trio. So the couple plus your first child, a lot of women, and I should say a lot of people because while this does happen a lot in heteronormative relationships, it does happen in general in a lot of different types of relationships. So there's always going to be someone who. Seemingly, and of course perception is everything, but seemingly is affected more than the other one.

So whether you're breastfeeding, and maybe that's a time constraint as well as bodily autonomy issue, or maybe it's the primary carer, and there's always going to be one person who's the primary carer, perhaps the preferred parent as your children get older and they do have a preference, and that preference is going to chop and change.

I was saying, often times when there is a big change,  there can start to breed this. 

I'll use my own experience in my own example of post birth, it's one that many will relate to, but hopefully you can pick some of your own experience from that scenario. So post birth, I obviously felt like my life changed more than my partner's. He had his two weeks paternity leave, and then he was back to work.

And I think that was compounded by the fact that he also has a job where he travels a bit. So when our daughter was three and a half months old, he went on a work trip for five weeks. And that was really, really challenging for me. 

 And I didn't feel 100 percent supported. So that started to breed this. Sense of resentment on top of that. I was breastfeeding. I didn't really take maternity leave as we had a business. We had a physical, , like brick and mortar business at the time. 

So I took six weeks off, but not really because I still had to do all the admin side of it. All that to say, I still really felt like his life didn't change much, and my life felt like it completely got turned  upside down.

And post birth isn't the only time resentment can take root, it can come in a lot of different ways. A lot of the times, it's anytime there's a feeling of neglect or being unheard or being unsupported.  And unsupported can be related to a lot of different things. Maybe it's being unsupported in work or a work choice.

Maybe it's housework. Maybe it's parenting. So  it can feel really hard to get on the same parenting page with your partner. And a lot of the times, it feels like there needs to be. A bit of a conversation and especially if you feel like you're doing a lot of the mental load of researching and learning different parenting things, then it can really add to that resentment of you feeling like you're doing all of this invisible labor and they're just kind of, hitching a free ride.

 It can also start to brood when there's a lack of intimacy and connection. And I am not just talking sex, but that's obviously a factor here.  

An irony is that a lot of the times, maybe it's the other partner that starts to have a bit of resentment when there isn't the intimate connections that they are hoping for, 

there might be a lack of intimate connections when partner a is having a sense of resentment. So then both are starting to have this sense of resentment. But for different reasons, and on the back of that, resentment can also come from unresolved conflict or conflict patterns. So you maybe you're having the same fight, but it's not about the same topic every time, but you're like, God, this just feels like the same fight every time.

All those things are areas where resentment can start to take root. And we can look at addressing that in a few different ways. So first, we want to name it. What's that saying? When you name it, you tame it. So name the resentment, simply just saying, look, this is really starting to make me resent you or resent the situation or resent this thing, and then start to dig a little deeper through reflection and, , conversations and.

Look at the cause. Look at the reason why. So for me, let's go back to that post birth example. Yes, okay, my body had changed and his hadn't really. I mean, I had an unexpected c section and I was breastfeeding and there's a lot of changes post birth if you've gone through birth.  You know what I'm saying? 

Yes, there was a body changes, but even life wise. So if we look at that and I say look, I felt like your life didn't really change. And sometimes when we have those conversations, they might've been feeling similar, but you didn't communicate about it. And so it leads both of you to feeling like this and you end up on these parallel, but similar, but different paths.

But if you're not communicating about it, it's not actually getting anyone anywhere. So when we look at that cause, okay, well,  I really felt unsupported. Because we don't have a quote unquote village around us. We don't have family. We don't have that automatic help. I really struggled to ask for help from the people who maybe would have helped me at the time.

And I was really, really struggling. Also keep in mind for me, I was struggling because I was undiagnosed ADHD at the time. I mean, I'm still ADHD, but at least now I know. So for me, looking at that cause, I felt unsupported. I felt like your life didn't change and mine did.

And having that conversation with your partner, 

raising that and saying that, and look, this is a past issue that we're talking about. So let's look at that first. We can still  work on the resentment from past issues, explaining exactly what you were feeling. I felt unsupported. I felt like my life changed more than yours. I felt like I had to make certain sacrifices.

And starting to have both partners acknowledge their part in that.  In having these conversations, you know, it was my partner acknowledging, well, look, I probably should have supported you more. Maybe I shouldn't have gone on that work trip. Maybe I should have insisted on, you know, certain help. Maybe we should have done different things.

And also me owning my part of that, look, I should have asked for help. I should have really verbalized  and also my partner acknowledging  he could have better communicated how he was feeling. Because he also felt like our life completely changed, but for him it was just slightly different than how my life had changed.

It didn't mean his life didn't change, I mean, he still was welcoming this new baby into the home and both of us had no idea what we were doing. And then part of it too is me acknowledging my part. Acknowledging that I could have asked for help more, that I could have verbalized my struggles more. 

Instead of just, you know, basically white knuckling it through like I was, I could have said the issues that I was having and communicated my feelings more and then both apologizing where needed. In this case, my partner apologizing for going away, my partner apologizing for not seeing it, and me apologizing for not communicating better.

So both of us owning and taking that accountability. And then we begin to build better communication and connection. So yes, we can't go back in time. That'd be great. That'd be lovely if we could, right? But we can't, so we've both owned that, we've both looked at the cause and where that resentment started to take root, and then we're simply starting to communicate and heal and beginning to go forward from that.

So that's looking at a past issue. If it's a current issue, there can actually be a solution. Okay. The past issue is that acknowledgement, that apologizing, that owning it, and then building on the foundation of starting to heal that area. But if it's a current issue, you can come to a solution.  You want to do all the same things as far as naming the resentment. 

And like I said, maybe if that's a really charged word for your partner, it might come in the different terminology, it might, it might be a different word, but it's still the same feeling that it's creating for you, that sticking point. We want to name it, we want to look at the causes, and then we want to start to find a solution.

And ideally this is a communication, this is a collaboration. So let's take for example, each of you having me time, like your individual time outside of work and parenting and et cetera. Let's look at a scenario where in a couple there's partner A and maybe they have me time once a month or maybe only once every two months and partner B has me time one night a week every week because they have a thing they go to.

Well, partner A may notice that they're dreading that night. They're beginning to feel, again, that sense of resentment. And maybe, maybe you're not familiar with that word, that emotion, but you're feeling that prickliness, that agitation, that annoyance, maybe a little bit of anger coming at your partner because of this time that they're taking. 

So as we look at that scenario, we want to first address it, okay, well, I'm starting to feel like this. resentment, anger, agitation. I'm really starting to dread when you go and looking at the cause. The cause isn't the fact that partner B is going out every week, I mean it is, that's, that's the driver that is cuing to partner A that there's an issue here. 

The real thing is that really partner A isn't taking enough me time for themselves. So then it's addressing it, having this conversation between the couple. And partner A saying, look, I need more me time also. So this is what I need from you and this is how you can support me better. And partner B then looking at how they can support partner A to take more time to do those things to fill their cup.

And there might be a compromise. Maybe partner B doesn't get a go every week or maybe. In an ideal scenario, partner B does get to go every week, but partner A also gets to do their thing when they need. Now we need to look at a lot of different things here. What type of external supports do these people have?

Is there a village? Is there sitters? What's going on? If it's a scenario like say mine where My partner travels for work often. Well, then I know I'm going to need to be a little bit flexible as far as when he's out of town, I can't just expect that I'm going to be able to go and do everything I want for my me time.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't ever talk about dad babysitting the child because I do not believe in that. I hate that terminology. It is simply just parenting, but there does need to be a communication to obviously make sure the child is looked after. And if I look at myself as partner A, partner A also needs to own, I need to own that.

I could be better about creating that me time.  I can count on one hand. How many times I've gone out for a Saturday morning coffee with a friend since my daughter was born three years ago. And one hand is probably being generous. It's probably been three or four times. But a lot of that's on me. My partner's super supportive of me doing it.

But I'm the one who needs to make those dates with a friend or with myself if I just want to go and have some solo time.

I need to then communicate to my partner. Hey, I need to have some extra me time. Hey, I want to have this me time.  And making sure that we're on the same page, that we're both available when the other one needs to be available

and working through it that way.

And this is only just going to help you be more fulfilled in your relationship.  Having what Eve Rodsky calls your unicorn space, great book, by the way, if you haven't read it, it's a good audio book.  Finding your unicorn space. So unicorn space is essentially. A thing that you do that is just for you outside of being a parent, outside of working, outside of all your responsibilities.

It is something that is just for you. It stimulates you in the best way. It's energy recharging. It is something that makes you feel regulated. And I'm not saying it has to be a regulating activity,  by feeling more fulfilled. You then are more regulated.

It's something that especially when we look at a couple, I think both sides need to make sure that they're having enough unicorn space outside  of the couple, the parenting, the work, the house, all of it, having space where they can simply just indulge and enjoy.  When we bring all the way back to looking at how resentment can come when you're not having enough of this in this scenario, it's.

Naming it, looking at the cause, and then trying to collaborate and 

coming up with a solution and beginning to have better communication and connection around the issue. And the more and more you do this, cause it's a practice, right? The more and more you do this, the easier it is to bring up and say, Hey, I'm starting to feel that thing again. Hey, I really want to work on this situation that's going on.

So the more we have that communication, the more we have that connection, the better it's going to be.

And in addition to that, we also want to look at the expectations that we are putting on our partner. 

We cannot expect our partners to be all of the things for us. It's simply impossible. They're one person. They can't be all the things. Yes, we want them to be our best friend, our romantic partner,  sharing our common interests, someone that we can confide in, someone that can talk to us about all of our special interests, someone that can indulge in all the things with us, but no one person can be all of those things.

And we also have to look at how modern life plays a role in this. Two, 300 years ago, when we were in much more of a village setting, we had so many people make up these different. Areas of fulfillment in our community, in our village, that our partners didn't have to be all those things for us. But now in modern day, especially looking at like my own relationship, so much of my village is on the other side of the world for my partner, their interstate.

And I don't think there's anything wrong with having a virtual village. But what I'm saying is we need to acknowledge that we can't expect our partners to be all of the things. Because if we do so, and they're not able to meet those expectations, then they start to feel like a failure. We start to potentially view them as failing us.

And it can start to bring up feelings like resentment, boredom, feeling unfulfilled, anger, potentially starting to question the relationship. When really we just need to question the expectations that we're placing on the relationship.

So we need to really try and foster that community and that connection for ourselves

to expand and feel like we are getting all of our needs met and understanding that not one person needs to meet those needs. Let's again take me for example, I used to really be into pottery, like making ceramics. My partner, not so much, not so much. So then it was on me to create time and space for that unicorn space, if we'll keep going with that.

I found a class, I went, I indulged myself and it made me feel so fulfilled. It gave me an outlet that recharged me so much. And I didn't need my partner to come along for that. Yes, he would listen to me talk about it.  Yes, he supported me in that endeavor. But the point being, expanding your community, expanding your village, you find more people to help meet those needs to not have your partner meet all of them.

So let's look at, say someone's super into anime, right?

But your partner's not. Okay, well, Then if you try and force that on the partner and they're just completely uninterested, they are not wanting anything to do with it, you are again going to feel like they are failing to meet that need versus if you find other people, whether it's online or in person where you can talk about the characters, you can talk about the movies, you can do all the things and then still yes, share bits of that with your partner.

You know, they understand that this is something that you're really into, but they don't need to sit there and listen to you info ed up for four hours. There's other people in your life for that. And by sharing your interest with them, but in a way that's palatable and that they're going to receive and that they're actually going to support you in, it means that we're having.

Communication and sharing our interest with our partner while not having to share the interest itself, if that makes sense. So you have other people who come along and who meet that, and then you can keep The partner knowing what you're feeling interested about.  Then this can lead into, say, like a love language.

Maybe your love language is gifts and the partner is out somewhere and he sees some anime keychain or figurine and he thinks, Oh, well, my partner's really, really likes this. I'm going to get that for her. And then you bring it back and the partner's delighted because not only is the partner bringing something that's in their love language, but it's in about an interest.

I don't know why I'm going on about anime. I actually know nothing about anime, but. Just for example, it's something that that partner is interested in, the other partner has heard that, but not had to be the supporting, fulfilling person in your life.

  We really need to start to examine what our expectations are that we're placing on our partner, what can be reasonable. So yes, you want them to be someone that you can consider a best friend. You want them to be obviously your romantic partner. You want them to be someone that you have some shared interest with, but expecting them to share all of your interest. 

To  the only person that supports you and talks to you, I think it's just going a step too far. It's putting too many expectations on one single person.  Then it's on us to foster that sense of community, foster that sense of connection outside of our duo, outside of our relationship and begin to find those people Who can share other interests with us, who can be confidants in other areas, who can help us fill and be fulfilled in all the aspects of our life to where we're not hanging all of that responsibility on one person, because then of course they are going to fail.

And  it goes two ways, right? You can't in turn be everything for your partner. We're having to expand so that we can feel fulfilled within our duo and outside of it.

 And one of the ways that you can do this is by what the Gottman Institute calls having a state of the union meeting. So essentially you basically just sit and you have that open conversation where you're having a chat, you're dialoguing and you're saying, well, this is where I feel really supported.

This is where I feel like you could support me more. Each person saying, this is what I'm struggling with. This is what I'm really enjoying. And really having an open conversation about how you feel in the relationship. And if someone is having too many expectations put on them, potentially that's the point where you can bring that up and say, look, I feel like I can't meet all of these needs.

Because it's not on one person to meet all of our needs. It was never meant to be like that, but modern life has really reinforced that. And trust me, I am someone that before I had a child, I had lots of opinions  about how to have a relationship as parents.

But what I failed to take into account so majorly, so majorly was other variables. What type of support you have, what type of village you have, what type of child you have. Financial resources and a whole slew of other things. So yes, while I absolutely still have the opinion and think that you need to continue to go on dates, you need to continue to date each other, not just be in a stagnant relationship, but date each other, grow with each other.

So that you don't end up when you're 50s or 60s and you turn and look at the person as you're an empty nester and say, I don't actually know the person that I'm living with or the person that I'm married to because you haven't continued to have those conversations. You haven't continued.  To work on the relationship.

Instead, it remains stagnant. Maybe there was feelings of resentment that bloomed into  disdain or other things. Perhaps there was issues of expectations not being met. One partner feeling like a failure or maybe both.

 And I, for one, am really doing everything I can to try and avoid getting to that point as empty nesters where I don't know the person that I'm with. We are continuing to try and date each other, to try and have these conversations.

And I'll be quite honest coming up to 10 years in this relationship, I a hundred percent have grown compassion for and have understood why some people, when they get to the point where you feel so disconnected, you feel so much. Resentment. And there's so many issues there.

They decide to end it, to throw in the towel versus doing the work to come back together. And I'm, trust me, I am not saying there is a right or a wrong way to do it. Everyone's going to end up doing it differently. What I am trying to say is I a hundred percent have compassion for the people who think that it would be easier.

To start afresh versus dealing with all of the history, all of the baggage, all of the issues that were never dealt with in the moment. I get that. And I would be lying to say I hadn't considered it myself. But for now, this is not a threat to my partner, but for now I'm choosing to try and work on it. To try and build back that connection, to try and look at areas where there have been unmet needs, where there have been failed expectations,  where there have been misguided expectations, where there have been, say, resentment starting to take root and trying to work on those, to heal those, and to bring our connection back.

A lot of the times you can end up feeling like roommates,  feeling like you're simply co parenting, feeling like you are on parallel but definitely not intertwined or connected tracks. So we have to continue to put in the work. We have to continue to foster that communication.  To try and keep connected and growing together, both as individuals and as a couple.

And that's why we've been focusing on relationship this much in the intention group coaching program, because I understand how important that is.  If you don't know what Intention is, I will put a link in the show notes.

It's my group coaching program. We do live calls. You get a workbook every month and additional resources. So podcasts, book recommendations, et cetera. I have developed this as a neurodivergent woman who's a mother for neurodivergent women. So above all else, it is accessible. It is putting as much or as little into it as you can.

Each month we focus on one specific topic of life to try and better manage that area of life. And then through the year, as we work through different areas of life, different topics, we're going to expand that. So we're looking at relationships, budget, self.  A whole slew of other things. You can check it out in the show notes.

It's only 10 US a month, if you ask me. It's an incredible value.  And you get to connect with other like minded, literally like minded, because also neurodivergent women.  That sounds super salesy and I'm sorry, but because I've referenced it a few times, I just want you to know a bit more about what it is.

Link is in the show notes if you want more information. Let's hope take two of this recording worked a bit better.

I appreciate you having this one way chat with me. I am so thankful you are here.