Holiday Accomodations as a Neurodivergent Family

In this episode I talk about ways you can accommodate you and your family members during the holidays.

This includes:
-reflecting on past years
-questioning traditions (and making new ones)
-maintaining routine during the holidays
-giving your child autonomy during this time (with examples)
-advocating for your child's personal boundaries
-have an "out" at gatherings
-using social stories
-managing expectations (yours and extended family's)
-safe foods and comfort items
-opening gifts away from the crowd
-allowing a flexible schedule
-how to not let FOMO win
-building rest in to your calendar
-focusing on connection
-travel tips

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Transcript

 Hello friends. So somehow we're at that time of year again. The holiday season is upon us. And regardless of what you celebrate this time of year tends to be especially busy.

And on top of that, if you are in Australia, like I am, it also means it's the end of the school year. And come the new year. We are coming into a new school year, but that will be a different podcast for today. Let's talk about the holidays specifically. And accommodations that you can make for yourself. And I really want to talk about how we can support and accommodate our kids.

As we know there is a genetic factor. to Neurodivergence and. If you're listening to this, I'm just going to go ahead and make a general assumption that you are likely neurodivergent. And if you have kids, they are. More, probably the not also neurodivergent and what that means is the holidays with their busy-ness. And.  All that's going on. Can be. And especially taxing and trying time of year for us. But it doesn't have to be, so



let's have a little conversation, a one-sided conversation, and you are welcome to make that two-sided by getting in touch with me if you want to. 

But. Let's talk about some ways that we can support again, ourself and our kids during this time of year. Now as with anything, when you're trying to make a plan and you were trying to perhaps. Have things go a little bit smoother than they might've gone the year before. The first thing that I want you to do is reflect upon past years. 

Think about it. What went really, really well. What did you absolutely enjoy? And what are the things that either didn't go, how you would like you didn't enjoy, you don't want to replicate essentially. And you can broaden this out to also include looking at traditions that you do and do not. Want to continue doing with your family? Let me give you the permission right here. 

And you can give yourself the permission that just because you have always done something does not mean you have to continue to do it.

And while some people. May get very cross at me for saying this. That can include things like maybe you've always gone. To grandma's house for Christmas dinner. But grandma's house is hectic and there's 30 people and no one really enjoys themselves. So you don't have to always do that. You can still spend time with the people you love, but do it on your terms and the terms that work best for you. And everyone. In your immediate family.

 Once we have a little think about the past years, once we reflect and we go, okay, these are the things that I really enjoyed, that I want to do more of that I want to replicate. 

And then these are the things that I do not want to. Go through again. We're going to start to make a plan for the going ahead. Now I am recording this the middle of November. If you're in the U S you have Thanksgiving coming up very, very soon. Quickly after that we have.

Hanukkah winter solstice, Christmas, various other celebrations that you may or may not partake in, which is all topped off by new years.

Now, this might be really challenging, especially if you're traveling for any of the holidays, but. As much as you can try and keep your routine and your kids' routine. As. Same, same as possible. And that might even just come down to bedtime and wake time. Mealtimes. If you can, again, I know it's hard, especially if you're traveling. 



But trying to create that familiarity, it helps us stay regulated. 

It helps the kids stay regulated. And it means that our bodies, especially our circadian rhythm kind of stay on this even kilter. And at least that's one less thing. That's going to get disrupted.

During all of the holiday chaos. 



So now specifically, let's talk about the kids and how we can help the kids navigate this time.

Kids love autonomy. Oftentimes, and I think previous generations didn't necessarily allow that. But.

It is something that kids really do well with obviously considering age

considering what's developmentally appropriate, but regardless of your child's age, they can have some autonomy during this time. That can look like including them and letting them have a say in what you actually do during these holidays. Like if you are traveling, where are you traveling? 

It can also look like letting them have a say in the decor. Now I want to caveat this because if you follow me on social media, You may have seen that. Um, my toddler has a tree. 

And part of that yes. Is so that she can. 

I 

have somewhere where she has full creative license to unleash her 

artistic creativity, but also it is in hopes that she does not. Touch. The big tree. 

AKA my tree. Because I am someone I am as much as I try not to. I am one of those people where. 

Since I was a child.  I have taken over decorating the tree because, and I always just, um, thank my autistic side for this. I'm very, very particular. I am so particular. There's a certain way it needs to go. And it's not just a certain way. There's a color scheme, which may or may not change every year.

Everything is meticulously put in. Very certain places. And let me tell you 

her second Christmas. 

Was a really stressful for me. And not because of Christmas itself. It's because she was mobile. And she was curious about the decorations on the tree and she was trying to take them off. And I really wanted to allow her to have that play. But at the same time, the inside of my body were screaming. Please don't touch it. 

So. This year she's three and a half. I have given her her own tree. We found a tiny pink tree because she loves pink. I let her go wild with it. We are going to see what unfolds over the next five weeks. If she can actually not. Touch the proper tree. And I also will work on my own regulation and control of not being bothered if she does, because she's a toddler and it's developmentally appropriate for her to be curious. You see how much I struggle with this. 

Let's bring it back. So giving them that autonomy. Yes, it might be decor. It might be going somewhere. It might even be just letting them pick out and wear the clothes that they actually want to wear. I am sure you may have this perfectly cute, adorable outfit that you would like. But at the end of the day, If it means that they are going to be uncomfortable. Is it worth it?

That autonomy also comes in very importantly, when you're around people that maybe they're not the most comfortable with.

You and your child or children. Need to be on the same page that your child does not have to do anything that they don't want to. And I'm talking specifically about if. Aunt. Susie. Once. A kiss and a cuddle when you first get there and you know, that's not something your child wants. Please advocate for your child. Remind your child that they don't have to do anything. 

And if aunt Susie says, well, let's just a kiss, give me a little kiss. Please allow them and you to hold that boundary that your child doesn't have to do anything. That they don't want to, especially when it comes to bodily, autonomy and consent again, that's probably a whole separate podcast we can go on, but I just want to add that in there of. Please support them in that. Back them up. And let them know that you're not ever going to force them. To do something like that, that they don't want to.

On that note. Telling them, if you're out of gathering that they can. Ask to leave. They can have an out whenever they want.

And that leave might not necessarily be you all as a family leaving. It might be creating a quiet and a safe space. Away from the gathering that they can have that little bit of a reprieve. And this goes for you also, right? Like I am sure I am not the only person who.

During family gatherings, I sometimes will just go and sit. In another room. For a couple of minutes because I just need a bit of a break. And we need to allow our kids. And our spouses and whoever else. To have that also.

If you are traveling, consider seeings like social stories, which is going to help prepare them for.  What the travel looks like, where you're going, especially if it's somewhere that's really unfamiliar to them. Yes. It might be your cousin, Joe, but , if your child has only met cousin Joe once and. They don't really remember what their house is like and all the rest of it. Build that in to either a social story or whatever works for your child.



Talk about what your travel is going to look like. 

Are you going on the plane? Are you driving  are you taking a train?

 This is where something like a portable visual schedule can be really beneficial. Or if your child can read and they prefer you can do like a written itinerary.

You can also even print out photos, print out photos of the family members that they can expect to see. You can go over people's names. You can make this as detailed or not as your child needs. And again, keep in mind that you can also do this for yourself. But all of this is helping to bring that familiarity to take away the unknown and to help support them in going into this very unfamiliar space. 

It's going to help hopefully. Support. So this whole time is a little less. Dysregulating for both them. And you.

And then as you are traveling.

Looking at how we can support those transitions. 

And now we also want to talk about managing expectations and this is kind of a two prong. 

You want to manage your child's expectations and you also want to manage extended family or whoever you may be seeings expectations. So with their expectations, you're obviously.

Reminding them that they can take breaks. You can set up plans for whether it's sensory breaks or movement breaks or.

Whatever else your child might need. And for extended family, It's having what you might feel like or  uncomfortable conversations. But having those in advance is a lot easier than doing it in the middle of trying to handle a child meltdown those expectations in those conversations with extended family might be things like, Hey, I understand you're making a full spread for Christmas

but I am only going to expect my child to eat their safe foods. If they do decide to eat something from your full spread. Fantastic. But. I'm telling you. As the parent you're saying this what my expectation of my child is. And I am just going to tell you that that's something that you need to be comfortable with. 

If you want us to come and celebrate with you. It might also be talking to them about, look, we're going to be leaving at X time so that we don't all get overstimulated. And so that we can keep some energy in reserve for the next couple of days.

One expectation that you might want to think about. His presence. 

For a lot of us. Adult and child alike, opening presence in front of people can be incredibly overwhelming and.  I would say maybe a little unexpectedly dysregulating. I have very vivid memories as a child of when we were all like extended family, you know, 20 something of us together. And each person got a turn to open their presents in front of the whole family.



I felt very uncomfortable. 

I remember thinking I have to make sure and react. Like I like it. I have to make sure and say, thank you. I have to, I'm going through this like mental checklist. And this is a memory I have as a young child.

So if you know that that's something that might be really overwhelming, again, both for either you or your child. That expectation conversation with extended family might look like, Hey, we're going to take the gifts and allow the child to open them. In the comfort of their own space without any onlookers. You know, blah, blah, blah. So that then also your child can have a true reaction and keep in mind sometimes your child. Maybe someone who has a true reaction. Whether you like it or not. 

And I think that should always be encouraged. I mean, how many times have we gotten a gift from somebody? We opened it. And we thought, especially if you're high masking like me, you thought. Oh, my God. Why are they giving me this?  But you have to smile and say, oh, thank you so much. I really love this. 

Your child might just outright say, why did you give me this?

And allowing them to open their gifts in the comfort of their own space so that they can have a true reaction. Also means that you might not have to have that other conversation 

another expectation that you may want to set. Whether you're traveling or just going to gatherings locally. Is to allow for a flexible schedule. So this time of year is very, very draining on us. It can be incredibly dysregulating and for a lot of us, that means that we'll commit to something two weeks in advance. But then on the day, When you actually take stock of how you're feeling you might realize, oh my God, I just cannot. 

And the same goes for your child. You might commit to something. And then on the day you realize that they are incredibly dysregulated and going to. A holiday party or whatever is going to just tip them over the edge, which. Then in return might tip you further into dysregulation. It's not worth it. So have the expectation. With yourself. With your family 

and with anyone else that's involved to allow for a flexible schedule.

You can turn this as like, we're going to play it by ear or. It's a saying yes with an asterix of, yes,

I'm saying right now we can come. But as you know, that may change on the day. I will let you know how we're tracking. 

 And on that. I don't let FOMO win there is so much going on this time of year, it is so easy to overcrowd our schedules.

And especially when you're invited to things. In drips and drabs, as they say, 

over the next few weeks, people might invite you to stuff. And in the moment you say yes. But then it comes to the point where we actually look at your calendar and you realize that you have something on every single weekend going into Christmas 

or you just realize you've completely packed. The calendar too full. There's my tip for you. Put every single thing in the calendar, however, small, it may seem it still takes of your energy. Put it in the calendar. And when someone invites you to something. Check your calendar.  I know, it seems like the simplest little thing, but

This is actually a.

Lesson that I have recently been reminded of.

We had all these different plans happening and coming about through November.

And I added each one to the calendar. But I just didn't think about how everything added up and then came the end of October looking ahead to the month of November. And I went, oh my God. We have stuff on every single weekend, which I know for us is too much. So don't let that FOMO win. Allow yourself rest periods, the recovery periods

if you have a lot of social things coming up.  Then. Be sure. And give yourself that time to also rest and relax afterwards.



And flowing on from that we really want to focus on connection.

This again is both for yourself and your child. It's really easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holidays, but allow yourself time to really focus on purposeful, meaningful connection with your child, with your family. It's regulating for us, but it also.

It's something that when we hurry through this season, we can somehow. Not get as much of as we need. So as you're building your holiday plan, whether you're traveling or staying home, build in purposeful, meaningful points where you can connect, that might look like something like having a. Family movie night where. You put on whatever a favorite is for us, it seems to be the Grinch or elf. You get popcorn. You know, you can go as all out or not as you want. But having that connection 



and this also might look really minute in certain times. 

So say you're at a holiday gathering

you can pull your child to the side in that holiday gathering and just have a little check-in. You know, it might be going off to a quiet space. Hey, how are you doing? How are you feeling? You know, helping them and you stay regulated. 

And just a couple of quick reminders again, whether you're home, but especially if you're traveling. Make sure. And take safe foods again, both for you and your child. Have those conversations about expectations 

With whoever you're sharing a meal with that, you're only expecting your child to eat their safe food. And depending on your child, they might not even eat that. 



And make sure that those people who are sharing the meal with you understand that they are not to force anything on your child. 

They are not to say, well, just try one bite, or I spent all day cooking. Can you please try it? 

It's a boundary that.

Doesn't need to be pushed anytime, but especially during the holidays, when we are already dealing with an onslaught of dysregulation. And then one more thing is making sure we have our comfortable clothing and our comfort items again, for both you and. Your child.

As I said earlier, you might have the most precious little outfit that you would love them to wear, but if they're not going to be comfortable, Nix it.

Find something that you know, that they are going to enjoy wearing that they are going to feel comfortable in. If they have items like., a favorite stuffed animal or.

Blankie or whatever it is, make sure that those are. Brought to wherever you are.

And then a little tip because I've traveled so many times. On international flights with my daughter. I do this every time we travel. If you're traveling at all with your child, I highly highly recommend taking a Sharpie like. Permanent marker. And on their forearm. Writing your name and your number and what I also do if we're traveling internationally is I write my partner's number. Because if my phone isn't working. At least they have a backup of somewhere to get a hold. 

If God forbid something has happened to your child, whether they've. Eloped or. Somehow gotten separated.

And I guess the last, last tip, if you are flying. Put the really important things in your carry on.

Of course, if it's like a comfort item, that's most likely coming on the plane with you, but. If it's something like.

A blanket that your child absolutely cannot sleep without put it in the carry on, do not risk, especially during the holidays, do not risk. 

The baggage getting lost. 

A 

quick little anecdote about this. My daughter has hip dysplasia and she was in a hip brace for. Over a year.

On one of our trips from the us to Australia.

Going there. I packed the hip brace in her. Carry on.

But for some reason coming back, I guess I just didn't think I put it in the checked baggage. And lo and behold Murphy's law. What happened? They lost our bag. So what was going to be.  24 hours out of her brace, which is doable. Would have ended up being five or six days, which is pretty detrimental. 

I ended up having to go source one online, but all of that to act as a reminder to pack the really important things. In the carry on.

 As always, I hope this was beneficial. I hope. It gave you some insight into how to. Make accommodations for yourself and your child during the holiday season.

If you have any other tips to add, feel free to get in touch with me. Sam attempts, motherhood@gmail.com or. On all the social medias, Sam attempts, motherhood. 

And thank you so much for listening.