Mission Men Podcast
A show about Nothing, Everything and Anything in between!
Mission Men Podcast
Mission Men: Let's Get Deep!
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Ever felt like you're the only one wrestling with imperfections behind the mask of a polished exterior? Well, you're in good company. Our latest heart-to-heart on the Mission Man podcast peels back those layers to share the raw, unpolished gems of our personal journeys. Laugh, reflect, and maybe even see a piece of yourself as we navigate our vulnerabilities with honesty and humor.
Confronting insecurities head-on can be a daunting task, but it's also where growth sprouts. This episode is all about turning struggles into stepping stones, the conversation swings from the battlegrounds of our inner critics to the triumph of finding our voices, proving that our supposed flaws can become our loudest rallying cries for change.
The quest for approval, whether it's from peers or deep within our own psyche, can be a slippery slope. Join us as we delve into this delicate dance, discussing how intimacy with the Lord provides a different kind of validation that reshapes our internal landscapes. So, whether you're looking for a chuckle or a moment of earnest reflection, let our stories remind you to embrace your mission, with all its humor and purpose.
Credits and Info:
Hosts: Brandon Matias, Paul Wright III and John Frease
Music: Brandon Matias
Produced by: Mission Media Group
Email: info@missionmediagroup.co
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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another awesome, awesome episode of the Mission man podcast brought to you by Mission Media Group, the Mission man podcast. The podcast about literally nothing, essentially everything and pretty much anything in between. Man, we got a great show for you today. Guys, we just want to take a second to say thank you. What are you doing For those listening? John's like convulsing.
Speaker 2I don't know what you're doing. I got bored and I started doing stuff in the camera to see myself.
Speaker 1Excellent, there you go, excellent. Well, we appreciate you, john Thanks.
Speaker 2Gonna be a great podcast today.
Speaker 1So, yeah, we're super excited about today. We got let's get deep is what we're gonna title this we're gonna be personal, we're getting really personal, Because there's some things that we want to share with you guys that we think you know a lot of people can relate to, Right? We're gonna dive in a little bit.
Speaker 2We don't want to just be that podcast that shows all of the good stuff of our life, the things that are funny and the things that are shallow. We want to go deep today. We want to show you that we're human, as much as you might think that we're all perfect. And we're these great, outstanding-.
Speaker 4Thanks, you're John Aren't you perfect.
Speaker 2I'm close, but we're not perfect and we have some things to share with you guys.
Speaker 1Branded's face is great. I can't tell if you're serious or not. I think you were kind of serious, weren't you? It was a mixture.
Speaker 4It was a mixture. I thought you were okay.
Speaker 2Okay, it was a mixture, but we do want to, we on this. Okay, now I'm serious. Now we are saying, though, that we're not perfect and we have struggles.
Speaker 4We have flaws.
Speaker 2We have flaws, we have things we deal with and we we deal with them openly. And you know, fortunately the Lord's brought us to a place where we're secure enough to talk about.
Speaker 1Well, these we haven't dealt with openly.
Speaker 2Well, we're about to, I think for the most part.
Speaker 4I know I know, you know the things that this is we're going to share.
Speaker 1Yeah, there's not public right, these are not public things. Right Right, right, like I don't go around talking about this stuff, right. Right, so we got some juicy. It's a juicy episode. No, it's not. No, it's gonna be fun.
Speaker 2Please don't ever describe an episode like that.
Speaker 1I'm sorry, I will not Leave those comments to me.
Speaker 2I'm the one who needs to get punished.
Speaker 1That's true. I channeled my John.
Speaker 2He's been around me too long today. We literally have spent like the whole day together actually.
Speaker 4Literally Well, 11 o'clock, you came over this morning. I've been with Paul since 11. What?
Speaker 2time is it right now Almost 11 pm, so?
Speaker 1we. First of all, before we dive into all that, we just want to say thank you guys. We just so appreciate all the support, all the comments, all the shares. You know, if you guys like what we do and have fun with it, if you don't mind, you know, leaving a five star review here and there, a little bit, maybe, sharing with your friends, we really appreciate that and we just, you know, we just have a lot of fun doing this. We just hope it blesses you guys as you listen, whether it makes you laugh, makes you think and you know, hopefully both right.
Speaker 1That's always the goal.
Speaker 2And my Venmo is John Fries one. And you know John has a mustache. I do have a mustache. I'm just so glad you guys can see it now, Because I used to always say during our previous records that I'd be like watch this, watch that, and I'd watch this podcast and Paul would be like they're listening more on.
Speaker 4And.
Speaker 1I'd be like, oh, that's true, that was now you're watching. That was so your dad.
Speaker 4Sorry For anybody that doesn't know John's dad, that was your dad. That was your dad, 100%.
Speaker 1Just like the head shake and stuff.
Speaker 4You did every thing, really, every mannerism.
Speaker 2He'd be proud of me Because we don't like football together and we don't like fishing together. And that's kind of his two favorite things, so at least.
Speaker 1I act like him. Yeah, there's definitely a lot of mannerism.
Speaker 2Similarities. He's just learning how to filter things better than I have most of the time.
Speaker 1Yes, yeah, well, he's got more time on it. However me and his brother are very similar, okay. We'll leave that a little bit, but shout out, dave.
Speaker 3But yeah no.
Speaker 1So I'm really excited about today's episode. I think it's important in life to find you know, people that you feel comfortable sharing deep and personal things with. And actually it's interesting because Paul shared his with us just kind of before we started taping and I never knew that, like I had no idea, so it was just it's just kind of cool to learn something about someone and you know and you might be able to relate to it more than you think you know.
Speaker 1Or when you're in that spot, you think nobody can relate to you, right, but there's so many people that are you know, have something that they're not proud of, or maybe they're working through or you know whatever. So, um, I guess with that, paul, you want to start us off. No, no, not at all.
Speaker 3That's the beauty of this episode.
Speaker 4Someone has to start Right. Um, you know, here's the deal. You know, for me growing up when I was younger, um, I kind of had this situation happen in my life, earlier in life and I kind of, you know, it was the thing you grew out of. So I kind of grew out of it. But then as I got older, starting in probably in my forties, I would say this is the kind of thing that kept me from. People say I'm really quiet, especially in public places. I'm really quiet and I spent especially at church. People say I'm really like super, super quiet until they get to know me, and stuff like that.
Speaker 2Right, then they hear this podcast.
Speaker 3Yeah, then they hear the podcast.
Speaker 4Right. But you know, one of the things that started kind of when I was in my forties, I guess it was really started to come and I said, did you notice it more? I don't know, I don't know if you. Well, there it goes. So I don't know. If you ever noticed like when I'm talking you will hear me I had this really bad stutter or stammer and it really stopped me from talking.
Speaker 2Right.
Speaker 4Because I didn't want to be made fun of. You know, I thought I sounded crazy, you know, and it was like I'm stuttering and I'm I'm stammering and I'm trying to get over my words and it and it was and it played a and it played a deep part in my head. It was in my head all the time and I and I'm sure most people didn't even notice. But even when you're listening to me talking right now, you can kind of hear it, because I stop and I and I do this little. You know this crazy part where it gets really bad when you hear me kind of doing this cluck sound with my thing. And I don't know if you've heard that before but I've done it.
Speaker 4You probably heard it every once in a while, yeah, it's totally embarrassing for me and it really shut me down and a lot of different ways and I kind of like even I kind of lived through my music and I just play and I do my music because I don't you know it's like, yeah, I'm not doing this, but it really manifested itself.
Speaker 3There's that word, but it really came out.
Speaker 4I shouldn't say I'm not even going to use that word, but it really came out. So when you're in church, you know especially being on the praise team you know your mom who leads the praise team she'll randomly call them people to pray. And a lot of people thought that I didn't want to pray. Right, I was like, oh, you know, you still want to do it, you don't want to do it. And what people don't realize is the reason why I didn't want to do it is because I didn't want to start stuttering.
Speaker 4Not because I was stuttering because I was nervous, because I'm not nervous, but I was like I, if I start stuttering, then who's listening to me? Who can hear that? There's people looking at me and the da, da, da, da, da. And I would just and your mom would know this more than anybody else whenever she would call on people and I knew when she was going to do it, because she did it in the same spot every single time during service I would either make myself like scarce so she couldn't see me, or I would just hide. And it wasn't because I didn't want to pray, I mean I pray all the time.
Speaker 4But it's like when I pray and stutter to myself at home is one thing, but when I'm doing it outside in public, and it took a toll a really I mean a heavy toll on me to the point where I completely kind of shut down from public talking. I mean, you know, some people's social media is kind of they're really, really active and they'll. You won't see me talking on anything. You rarely this podcast, and here's the reason why I decided that I wanted to do this. There was a reason for this and Lisa will tell you, because I told her about this and I said one of the reasons why I wanted to do this, because I wanted to work through this.
Speaker 1Oh cool.
Speaker 4I literally said she was like you know, because I told her. I said I'm just afraid about the stutter thing. It'll be on, you'll be able to hear it, right. And I said but I want to do it because I want to kind of work through this and the podcast is going to help me. That's dope, almost like kind of a way to. That's the word I'm looking for.
Speaker 2Put it in the devil's face that you're overcoming it. I'm overcoming it. I'm, I'm, I'm.
Speaker 4I'm, I'm, I'm, attacking it head on.
Speaker 3Yeah.
Speaker 4And I'm not afraid of it, right, even though you're going to hear me do it. And if you ever go back, if you want to rewind these podcasts back, you're going to hear it, because I've done it so many times. I don't know if you guys ever noticed it.
Speaker 1No, I'm, I'm just being real, like I. I, when you told me that I was shocked, I'm like what Really? Oh my gosh, yeah, I had no idea.
Speaker 2Yeah, I noticed it, but I never made me think about it twice, like I just kind of thought, whatever, he just messed up a word. No, it's not messing up a word, so so what happens is I know what happened, I hear it, but I don't ever think twice about it. Like it just I'd. I just keep listening to you.
Speaker 4I'd never so this for me is almost like my um, like a way of working through it, a way of working through, but there's another term, um, kind of, when you're kind of, I can't think of the terms, I'm trying to think of it now but it's a way of working through it.
Speaker 1Yes, let's call it that.
Speaker 4Okay, um, uh, and it's my form of dealing with the issue and I totally believe in healing and. I totally believe that I'm going to be completely healed to this.
Speaker 3Yeah, you will yeah.
Speaker 4And I know it's going to happen right. But you know, for these last several years, because it's gotten worse as I got older, so it's not something that you know. Here's the crazy part. Here's the crazy part, like right now I'm talking and it's flowing.
Speaker 3Yeah.
Speaker 4So when I get to the point where I'm talking about something that is personal or personal, it doesn't happen as much.
Speaker 3Right.
Speaker 4I don't know if that makes any sense.
Speaker 2Interesting when you open up more.
Speaker 4when I open up more, it doesn't happen as much when I'm talking to you and talking about things and I'm actually having and I have to say things in a certain way, like, for example, Praying is very personal, but when you do it in front of people it's a little different.
Speaker 3Yeah, sure.
Speaker 4You know what I'm saying? Right, and that's when everything goes haywire in my head and it just, it changes my whole, everything, it changes everything. So no, I'm not hiding from praying, when you see me at church, right.
Speaker 4And it's funny too, you know, the last time it happened. So one of the ways that I dealt with it another way is that that was part of my fear going on missions. People don't realize that, so when it wasn't about I was going to bring that up. It wasn't about wanting to lead people and to. I wanted to do all that.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 4The part that I did not want to do is speak. Wow, because I know if I started speaking, then the stuttering. When the stuttering starts, it gets worse and worse and worse and worse. As I started to, talk.
Speaker 2You know what I remember what Is. Whenever we had the missions trip last year and we had the meetings before it and we did the prayer walk. Yes, Whenever you prayed on the mic I don't think you started once and I know you were probably not excited about praying in front of all of our team members, Because before we go on the mission trip we do a lot of things that kind of dip your toes in the water of getting uncomfortable before you actually get uncomfortable on the missions field.
Speaker 3Yeah.
Overcoming Insecurities and Finding Confidence
Speaker 2And so I think you I mean I don't remember you stuttering, but I remember knowing that you don't like talking in front of people and stuff at that time, so I'm sure that was an act of boldness there. For you.
Speaker 4Well, and I know Ms Paula didn't understand and Pastor James was making, they were making me do things and they were forcing me out of my comfort zone, which is what they do and I loved that part, but it was. That wasn't the uncomfortable part for me. They didn't realize that, but that was, and I didn't talk about this. I don't talk about this. I've never shared this with anybody ever. I mean, lisa knows, my daughter knows, Sure, they're only two people that know.
Speaker 4Wow, wow and now we know and now everybody knows. Well, thanks for sharing it. But the thing about it is with the missions and I think the reason why when I finally got into the classrooms, because one of the comfortable things for me. Back in the day I was a schoolteacher. I don't know if you knew this or not.
Speaker 1Oh no, I was a schoolteacher Really In.
Speaker 4California. I taught school in high school. I was a schoolteacher Really and I did all the music classes and everything like that. So, being around kids, I was comfortable around that, sure. So we were on to the classrooms with the kids. Yeah, yeah, I was fine. Wow, I could lead them to the Lord, not a problem. Hmm, and I didn't realize that until I got in the classroom and I realized and that's part of the changing the life, changing part of missions when I came back.
Speaker 4You talked about how I was talking more and I started to actually unwind and kind of actually do this and I, even though I stuttered in certain instances, I was forcing myself to do it.
Speaker 2Right.
Speaker 4Because I realized this is not that deep. No, it's not that deep, even though it's still kind of gets in my head and bothers me every once in a while. I realized it was not that deep and the power of that mission's trip really was amazing. I wrote your dad a long letter.
Speaker 2I mean I didn't tell him about that stuttering part, but part about that was that whole.
Speaker 4Thing.
Speaker 2Well, I mean, I think, like just knowing you, you have a really good voice in people's lives and you have a big impact on people's lives. You know a decent amount of people and you're able to connect with people really well and you're able to lead, and you're also, like I said, you're able to impact people more than your average person can impact people. So I think that when the enemy tries to attack you with that, he knows what I just said.
Speaker 1Well, he's just trying to silence you, right?
Speaker 2That's what I'm saying because am I wrong about the fact that Paul is one of the smartest guys ever? I don't know and am. I wrong when he's also one of the wisest people ever.
Speaker 1Yes.
Speaker 2And he's humble as all get out.
Speaker 2And the devil knows that if he can shut somebody up like that, then he's gonna, he's gonna win Right, right. And then when you, paul, say, frick, that I'm going to keep talking, no matter if I stutter or whatever, the Lord's going to see you through on that. And then, like you said, for missions, you that was a huge success and that was a huge praise report. And so I don't know, I think I think I know why the devil tries to do that, because you make such a big difference on people.
Speaker 1Well, and I think I think the interesting thing too, and this is I mean this is going to tie in with all of our stories, I'm sure, but when you know, when something's going on in your head, we think that everybody else is that that's all they can think about and that's all they see, oh yeah, that was me.
Speaker 1But the same. But the thing is is that that is happening in their head too. They're thinking about something completely different. So, and again, I and I've fallen victim to it, you know, raised my hand first, but it's like it's. It's just wild how much less people think about us than we think they do, if that makes sense.
Speaker 3Right yeah.
Speaker 1But no, that is so cool man Like I mean I mean praise, god, you know, obviously we'll be standing with you and believing that. You know, it just keeps getting better and better until it's completely gone. Right and but, man, but I think you brought up a really good point, John, just about how the devil will use things like that. I mean literally trying to silence you, right, Literally. Yeah.
Speaker 4I never thought about that one.
Speaker 2Yeah, think about how many people you know. Be honest, you know a lot of people and you're going to be able to speak to those people better and more relatable, and you'll just be able to talk to them more than me or Brandon would be able to. Yeah, you know what I'm saying, wow.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2So. So if I were the devil, I'd be like I'm not going after Brandon and John because they only know six people.
Speaker 4Guys, a lot more than six people.
Speaker 2But Paul knows everybody and everyone he knows is pretty. You know, most people are influential, Some people are not, but most people are influential. So if he takes down this guy, then he can transfer the others so anyways, that should be confidence for you, because you know you have an influence on people, so keep pushing past it. And awesome, you're taking the right steps.
Speaker 1And honestly thank you so much yeah, no it's good opinion. Thank you so much for being vulnerable too.
Speaker 3Yeah.
Speaker 1And we appreciate you being willing to share that, and I know that's not easy to do. So you know, I'm glad that we've created a really cool space for you to do that. But then you know, I think it's cool how it's like your way of showing, like you're saying, showing the devil, it's like. Oh yeah, you want to try to silence me. Well, I'm going to go on a podcast and I'm going to just talk. You know, I'm going to make people laugh and tell them about Jesus at the same time so yeah man, so we love Paul man, paul's a man too, love you guys too.
Speaker 2Awesome, brandon, what's yours? You want me to go? Yeah?
Speaker 1Yeah. So as a kid, probably right around sixth grade or so, I started noticing just some like coloration in my like in one toenail. I'll never forget I was in sixth grade, I'm like oh, that's weird, you know.
Speaker 1But hey, I play sports and whatever. It's just not a big deal, All right, I'm sure it'll go away. Well, you know, just kind of kept spreading and spreading and you know, and yeah, so with that, you know, grew insecurity, right. Because, you know, I mean it's actually funny how I'm even sitting now I'm kind of like hiding my hands just because my fingernails are weird and, you know, discolored and everything like that, and due to psoriasis and you know some fungus, whatnot, and yeah. So I've dealt with that since, like you know, fifth, sixth grade or so, and obviously, you know, growing up in Christian school and all that stuff is, you know, it's everything gets noticed, right, Nothing.
Speaker 4Yes.
Speaker 1Nothing goes under the radar. High school, yeah, oh man, yeah, high school is rough, but I mean. So. You're constantly, like you know, putting my hands in pockets Wow. And I mean literally kind of what you're saying with how you're talking about, like you're, you know, always just not wanting to say things and whatnot. For me it was hiding.
Speaker 1Hiding parts, Part of my body right, Because I was just embarrassed of it and I didn't want to get made fun of. So that caused a really, really big like insecurity in my life and so the psoriasis has spread in different areas, Like I have some around on my stomach, like on this section, and I've got some like behind my ears and some other just like. It's just weird. And so I mean, like you, Paul, I totally am believing for my healing, I stand on it and you know I believe that healing for anybody listening. You know we stand and believe what the Bible says, that Jesus is the same yesterday today and we believe that by His stripes we are healed so yeah, we stand on that and we just keep believing it.
Speaker 1So, but yeah, no, so I mean, like it was just. You know, I was terrified because I played basketball in middle school and high school Okay. And so I was terrified of having to take my shirt off.
Speaker 4How did you, how did you deal with that, when you?
Speaker 1Yeah, so I, I so pretty much, so embarrassing, but like if I had to go to a basketball camp, I would go up to a coach ahead of time and be like, hey, just if you do shirts and skins, just put me on the shirts.
Speaker 4Oh, you would tell them ahead of time.
Speaker 1I would tell them ahead of time. Yeah, just because I just so badly did not want to have to deal with that embarrassment that comes from that.
Speaker 3So you know cause kids just start asking questions.
Speaker 4Kids are mean.
Speaker 1So yeah, so it's so funny because I've done that for so long. I mean, like I just mentioned, it's just so funny to me that like literally I'm sitting right now hiding my hands, like just because that's just how I've natural posing yeah. Yeah, just because that's what I've done for so long.
Speaker 2You know what I mean, right.
Speaker 1So yeah, so if you see me at church, don't look at my hands.
Speaker 4So as an adult? No, I'm just kidding. Did you have any issues as an adult when you get older, out of high school and kind of thing?
Speaker 1Yeah. So I think I, as I got older, I became more accepting of it. And obviously I don't accept sickness right, that's not what I'm saying but I guess maybe I just grew used to it more and I start, you know, I think as you get older you start to care less about what others think of you, and so now it's just to the point well, hey, you know, this is, this is what it is, and I'm standing on my healing. But you know, now I don't care if somebody sees it, you know and I mean no, I take that back it's.
Speaker 2I still care a little bit, but definitely not as much as growing up and I mean, I remember when we went to Iron Fit a couple of months ago and we everybody if you've been following the podcast for a little while, you know that I'm a big Jim Connoisseur, so is Brandon, and we're trying to get Paul to grind, but he but.
Speaker 1Paul lost a ton of weight though. Yes, yeah, we talked about that.
Speaker 4That's kind of hard. I need to go to the gym, I do, but I mean we'll get you on a plan, anyways we'll cross that bridge when we cross it.
Overcoming Insecurities and Seeking Approval
Speaker 2But I like the gym and I like the sauna. So one time Brandon came with me and Isaac and I remember we went in the sauna. And you know, when you go to sauna you just wear your shorts or something and and you just hopped right in there. No worries at all, no insecurities. I didn't even notice anything on you.
Speaker 4Yeah, and so that's probably the funniest thing is that you said you didn't notice my, you didn't notice it, right.
Speaker 1Yeah, and again, like, and you didn't notice it when I had my shirt off, and it's just funny how we just think that whenever that thing is exposed yeah, it's so big. Exactly.
Speaker 3Right.
Speaker 1That that's all people can see, and that's all they're thinking about, and it's like half the time people don't even notice.
Speaker 3Right.
Speaker 1Wow.
Speaker 2So wow.
Speaker 1Yeah, so that's something that for me that I've always, you know, had to deal with and obviously as I've grown in my relationship with the Lord, you know that has subsided just my cares as far as caring what other people think but yeah, no, but that's. That's something I've dealt with and you know, and it's it's still an ongoing thing and you know, you just keep standing, just like Paul. We just keep standing to keep believing.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1And yeah, so that's kind of one of my big we're getting deep, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2This is like therapy.
Speaker 3Yeah, really is.
Speaker 2Word. Yeah, this is like therapy session, but I think it's interesting to think about like these things that we can see. You know, like you and you and mine was more I'll get to mine in a second. Mine wasn't really a physical thing, mine was more of like a mental thing, but I think it's interesting to see how we each have a unique thing that predominantly people don't notice, but one way or the other, we have something about us that hinders us from being fully confident and secure.
Speaker 2Yeah, and in some parts of our life and sometimes of our life, and I think it's interesting though, because however bad it is or whatever it is, the Lord can always use it and redeem it to sh to. At the beginning of it, you may not understand why you got it and why you had it in the first place, but as you learned to overcome it and even in the process of still being healed from it, like the thing is about it, though, I think it's cool because the Lord is like, okay, well, while you're walking out, you're, you're overcoming and you're healing and stuff, but you can also use this as a tool to reach other people for me, right and share with them, like we're doing now right, being real and saying look, you know, we have things that we're, you know, maybe dealing with or overcoming or whatever.
Speaker 2But you can do it too right, wow and so I think good like, even though it is a negative thing, it can be used for such a positive, and that positive has a greater result because it's deeper than just us right and like if all we ever think about is this problem and that's like the first step of it is like oh gosh, this sucks. You know, you notice the discolor or whatever.
Speaker 2You like a frickin right right but now we can be like well, I'm not worried about myself anymore you know now the goals to tell other people about how they can deal with stuff like that too, anyway, I think. I think it's interesting no, absolutely.
Speaker 1Now, that's a really good point that's really great.
Speaker 2Well, yeah, yeah, no, I'm good man, thank you yeah, so mine is more mental, not physical, but ever since I was little. So I think this stems from maybe being an only child. So don't have siblings and you don't have people. Yeah, this is what it's from, but you don't have siblings that one you know you play with and hang out with when you're a little kid, but you also don't have siblings to kind of like check you yeah right, like when you have siblings.
Speaker 2I think you, if you do stuff that's stupid or annoying, or pass the social awareness thing, they're like, bro, what are you doing? Or they choke you out or they punch you or something right, and that's what I hear. So I think it stems from that me being an only child where I got two things. I think I got one the ability to at some, the ability to not. Okay, well, isaac sums it up nicely he doesn't know if I'm socially awkward or just really good at talking to people, like my outgoingness and my extrovertness. Okay, I think it's now I'm good at talking to people, but I think at some point I think it was not being socially aware and not being actually good at talking to people, but anyway. So from that came the result of me not really caring about how extroverted I was and how outgoing I was, but also came from that a thing of like okay, I also need to get people's approval.
Speaker 2Wow, by the way, I talk, look or make jokes or laugh or whatever. Like my goal. As probably as young as I can remember, my goal is always to, whenever I walk into a room, a new situation, meet a new person, especially girls. It's good, my good right, my goal would be to how can I impress, how can I get approval, how can I look secure? You know, with all this stuff, because I knew I had the ability to speak without caring about what they think which is kind of weird when you think about it that I had an issue with security but, at the same time, I was still good at talking to people and I could pass that I was secure, mm-hmm, wow.
Speaker 2And so that was an ongoing thing. And I still have sometimes where I have to like check myself and be like, okay, I know I'm like not caring what people think, but am I making this joke in particularly to get their approval right now? Because I feel like I'm lacking it in some way. So it comes up in small ways every once upon I can. I can notice it, but for a long time, like a kid, the teenager, especially like high school, that was a big time where I tried to really talk, act, joke, a certain way to always get people's approval, mm-hmm. And it sometimes I think it started like some minor bad habits through it too. Because another thing I'll notice about myself now sometimes I'll like if I can read the room and understand how this person laughs or this person likes to be talked to right.
Speaker 2I can be that way for them and then this way for another person that makes sense, yeah, and so so you you were.
Speaker 1You were trying to mold yourself into being whatever it took to make people like you.
Speaker 4Yeah, accept you. You would read the room and then adapt yourself to that correct.
Speaker 2Yeah. So dad always said see, I get the words mixed up, but I get the point thermometer versus thermostat, mm-hmm. So thermostat would be changing the temperature of the room and thermostat would be adapting to what the temperature of the other room is, mm-hmm. And so whenever he'd tell me that, I would hate that, but it was true. So I knew that was true because I would always be the thermo, wait, the thermometer mm-hmm. What he said really stuck with me now, I'm just gonna.
Speaker 2I'd be the thermometer and I want to be the temperature with the other people in the room so I could be liked and stuff.
Approval Through Intimacy With the Lord
Speaker 2So in the last probably, I was gonna ask you in your older right, yeah, and the last probably three years that has been More and more and more and more worked out. I would say it's probably like 97% worked out now because, like I said, it comes up sometimes in small ways. But the biggest thing that I found to get over that battle was one Just knowing the Lord personally and like for myself and actually following the Lord like Intimacy. And there's a difference between spending time with the Lord as An idea of something that you have to do, as an idea of something that you have to always gain something from, or as an idea of a practice, versus spending time with the Lord where you actually get a revelation of his presence.
Speaker 2And his Is the secret place, likes people say secret place, and to me for a long time that always sounded cringy and it probably does to some people still, but it is true, because a secret place is something that's just between you and the Lord, and it's something that is Sometimes more hidden for a reason, because you have to go to a place with the Lord and his presence that only you and him can do together.
Speaker 2And it's something that I had to let my guard down for, it's something that I had to learn to be kind of uncomfortable with. You know, like it, just it was a switch. So, anyways, whenever I started really truly knowing the Lord and his love and his glory and his true character and feeling that and it being revealed through scripture and him speaking to me through the word, and Learning more about discernment from the Holy Spirit and all of those things, those were the things that fed the whole that I was always trying to fill.
Speaker 4Wow.
Speaker 2So then now, with that hole being filled in my mind, being renewed from the word and actually knowing, like, how Jesus really is in my life, that helps me not ever Really kind of go back into that feeling of I need to do this to get people's attention. So now the only thing I really work on is just making sure that I filter my, my, uh, my sentences, because I, I really don't care what people think now so now it's in one way it's a lot better, but in another way it's like now.
Speaker 2I just need to make sure.
Speaker 1Now we need to put a filter on certain things. So you you've gone from one spectrum to the other.
Speaker 4now we need to kind of find that balance right but do you think here's a question for you, because you talked about the approval part and that was a big thing For you. Do you think At the age you are now, because I always thought For me this was a big thing. So you are. You picked up film editing and shooting um On your own. You taught yourself. You taught yourself how to do it. You watch youtube videos and you're really really good. I mean, I tell you that all the time, but you're really really good. Thank you. Did that help, knowing that you were really good at something? Because that mean because you're getting approval from a lot of different people when they see your stuff that had nothing to do with it?
Speaker 2No, that's. That's a good question.
Speaker 4I was just curious, because I know something will look to things like that as their approval, their own personal things as approval, and I wondered if that ever played into that.
Speaker 2No, that didn't. Um, I can tell you what did play into the approval was probably Probably, probably a combination was one affirmation from A girl that I would like, and in One because I've been at this like the serious growth part of this in the last three to four years. So part of that was with lexie and then another part of that was just with if I got a girl's attention and she liked me back and she was a reasonable person and loved the lord, and then for the first little while of the relationship with lexie that was also like a A.
Speaker 2Thing approval Approval booster does that make sense?
Speaker 2Yeah, so those things were maybe like 30% of that pie and then 70% of that was honestly like approval from church, and what I mean by that is I was serving in a lot of areas and I was doing a lot of things at church all the time and I was always doing something at church and I'm not downgrading, always doing something at church. But that was where my source of approval came from, really Right ultimately, like if I had someone say, hey, buddy man, thanks for doing this, you're such a leader, you're such a good dude, I appreciate you being a man of God and stuff. That would be the thing for me. I'd be like I'm doing good, you know, I got life figured out, I'm, I'm secure now and I got things figured out and and, hey, I'm all good now. So that would be my biggest thing, because I would always do a lot of things to church at church as a substitute Is actually figuring out why I was doing it.
Speaker 2Because you can serve and do a ton of stuff at church. I tell people in the the young adults group at church this all the time you can do a lot of things at church, but if you're never actually filling your internal well With your relationship with the Lord. You'll do all these things at church and eventually you're giving from a place. It's dry, right and like Oil in a car. If the two gears are always, then there's going to become friction and it's going to burn out, burn out and boom boom.
Speaker 3There, you go.
Speaker 2Exactly, and so that's what would happen. That's what ultimately happened to me after that time period of when the approval is solely coming from that, and that's when I Use that as an excuse to actually draw close to the Lord. And then, once I figured, I was like oh wait, I'm not actually doing this for myself, I'm just kind of doing it unto men. So then I started doing stuff unto the Lord, and that's when it became better. Wow, yeah that's amazing.
Speaker 1Well, you know it's interesting. I was, as all three of us have talked, I think, the one common denominator and I think literally every person goes through this at some point in their life where they're more concerned about the approval of other people than they are the approval of God. And literally that's where all of our, maybe our insecurities come from. Is man, what do other people think of us? Or this thing about us, right? And how does that make me feel? And I think Johnny brought up a good point. It's like when you spend time with the Lord and you really get that revelation of how much he loves you, then it all of a sudden doesn't matter Doesn't matter.
Speaker 1Right what other people think you know. So I think that as a testament to you, I mean, obviously you're very well, I was gonna say, but you're mature, but we're kind of getting there.
Speaker 2We're happy there. Wow, that was good.
Speaker 3We have room five. They just put out the best music these days.
Speaker 4Don't say that please.
Speaker 2I knew that would get under. Oh should I say that LeBron James is a better basketball player than Michael Jordan, then Don't say that, okay, so anyways so I was no as a joke.
Speaker 1no, but, John, you are very mature, thank you. And it's cool to hear your and to hear your testimony and just how your growth with the Lord, and I think that's the answer right, that's the answer to all of these things that we talked about is when you get that revelation of that love that God has for you nothing else matters.
Speaker 4Nothing else matters.
Speaker 1So there it is.
Speaker 2That's what I hope. Oh John, no, I'm sorry.
Speaker 3We're out of time.
Speaker 2I was just gonna go and do another rabbit trail, like father, like son. He dives off into stuff all the time.
Speaker 1But no, I think that was really great. Paul, thank you, for Paul was the one who kind of initiated this episode and I'm really glad we did this. I really respect you guys for being open and hopefully that encourages everybody watching and listening that you know please find people that you can be open and vulnerable with it you can share these things and you can work through them, because we shouldn't have to do this alone.
Speaker 2And Jason Roy, I'm canceling my membership with you for counseling. I mean, I just fixed everything right here. I'm just kidding. Jason Roy is a good friend of ours and he's a great counselor. You should help if you need stuff.
Speaker 1He is awesome. Well, you know what, since this has been kind of a more serious episode, I think you should do the outro as serious as you possibly can.
Speaker 4Sounds good, brandon.
Speaker 1So serious, here we go.
Speaker 2The volume.
Speaker 1Sound of a heart of news, sir.
Speaker 2Something about America makes me want to crack open a cold Zebra, because I don't drink beer. Be a mission man or a woman, go out and follow us Farm it. I just wanted to make sure I was serious.
Speaker 4That's your serious we got it.
Speaker 2This mic started getting wet. I'm sorry.
