Hazmat for the Heart

Surrendering control becomes the first step toward true growth and connection. I share how realizing "I have no control and I cannot do this on my own" applies not just to addiction recovery but to leadership, relationships, and coaching.

• The importance of asking permission before steering conversations, especially when attempting to go deeper with others
• Using the Tibetan practice of Tonglen to manage toxic encounters by breathing in darkness and breathing out healing light
• The concept of emotional hazmat suits for protection in poisonous environments without rejecting people
• Learning to let go when a coaching relationship naturally concludes, even when it affects your business
• The value of support systems who "spot you when the weight gets heavy"

If you don't have someone who reflects back what you need in the moment, reach out. You are not alone.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Fierce Encouragement
• 1:48 The Permission Lesson: A Coaching Story
• 5:32 Emotional Hazmat Suits for Toxic Situations
• 10:52 The Art of Letting Go
• 13:53 You Don't Have to Do This Alone

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:03

Welcome to Fierce Encouragement If you're new here. This is the place where we train our minds, we can strengthen our hearts and we can step into those lives we were meant to live. Now, in this podcast, I share stories and tools and even practices that you can use to help face your own resistance and kind of push through that self-doubt or that sour self-image and really build a life, one that's rooted in awareness and courage, because real growth does not come from sitting in your comfort zone. It comes from showing up in a full way, in a fierce way, but every darn day. Now this week I wrote something at the top of my step, one homework for my recovery and to share with my sponsor. It was this I realize I have no control and I cannot do this on my own. Control and I cannot do this on my own. That sentence, as I say it and share it, kind of hits me like a punch in the stomach, because it really isn't just about addiction, it's about my life. It's about us showing up as leaders, as parents or even as a good friend. It is about that relationship we have with ourself and others and really it is about coaching, because that idea of control it's an illusion and, strange enough, that can be really good news. I wanted to share a story from this week and about kind of that idea of asking permission.

Speaker 1: 1:58

I had a call this week with a mechanical engineer, super smart guy. He has worked on billion-dollar projects and we connected through my outreach team and I gave him a call and just to see if we could connect, if there's anything we had in common, and honestly just to ask him some questions and to listen and maybe if things, if our energy connected and everything was good, maybe ask him if coaching could help him. Right away in the conversation I felt this resistance, I felt this energy from him. He thought I was a recruiter or something and he said I don't know if this is for me. So I really did my best to pivot and to be curious about him and his career and his journey. I asked about his leadership and what he did and how he leaned into that and how he helped others around him succeed and get better. I also asked him about his kind of physical energy, his mental energy, and he shared after a few minutes that he said I don't know how to do that. I know I should be working out more. I know I should be exercising more, but I have good drive, everything's actually fine.

Speaker 1: 3:14

So I went in a little closer, I lowered my voice and I asked him what is it costing you not to invest in your body and your energy? And you know what? He shut me down. He shut me down really hard and really quick and he said I am not interested in talking about that with you, goodbye, click. And it was a gut punch and I felt the energy kind of come up to my head and the frustration and anger and just like what the heck did I do wrong? But the lesson that I'm taking away from it and maybe this is just a reminder what can you learn from those difficult conversations or those troublesome things? The lesson I learned is that I did not ask for permission to go there. I tried to steer the conversation, I tried to steer his ship, without checking if he ever wanted to take the ship out to sea, and that's something I'll carry forward, not in just coaching conversations or just initial customer conversations, but in my life.

Speaker 1: 4:29

Before you go deeper, before maybe you probe a little longer with your loved ones or your friends, or maybe your clients ask permission Every step. Ask permission, invite them in and maybe even think about doing it with yourself, instead of saying I should be doing better, I could be doing better. Maybe try asking yourself am I willing to explore this deeply right now? Am I ready for this deeply right now? Am I ready for this? I think this is a big shift from that control to permission. This changes everything in how we talk to ourselves, how we can fiercely encourage ourselves but, most important, we ask for permission. We ask for permission.

Speaker 1: 5:32

Moving on to just another story and another kind of reflection from this week and the past few days Well and this one's a tough one to share and I'm thinking about putting on a protective suit On Monday this past week I was in a car with a friend of mine and he's going through the last stages of his sickness and his daughter was with us. There's a lot of drama and conflict going on in the relationship and I know it. I've been around them a couple times. But in the car ride back she lashed out verbally and was very critical and judgmental, and I've felt this with my friend in our conversations in the past. But she really accused and she judged and she lashed out and she attacked verbally and she made accusations that were just almost unbearable gosh, how do I want to say it hard to deal with in the moment. And I felt that energy surge through me again as I was driving the car. The energy in that car was literally heavy and had that toxic feel. I felt it in my body, like I said, I felt it in my guts. I felt that energy rush up to my shoulders and my neck and then like almost shooting into my head. It was like this pull, hatred kind of came into my head and that reflex, that spontaneous reflex, wanting to fight back and yell and shout.

Speaker 1: 7:20

So I practiced Tonglen and this is a Tibetan practice from my Buddhist learnings, but it essentially is this it's about cutting through this, clinging to yourself, and you can perform it really quickly, even in 30 seconds. You breathe in that heaviness, that toxicity, that dark smoke, if you will. So I breathed in the smoke of her anger and her lashing out and when I breathed out, I focused on sending out some healing white light or white smoke, and I did this over and over. As the conversation moved around, I kept quiet and I kept doing my Tonglen Very powerful practice for when you find yourself in a difficult conversation Instead of kind of ruminating or letting your mind go off. See if you can practice that breathing in the darkness and breathing out healing light.

Speaker 1: 8:23

Later on in I think it was the day or two later, a good friend of mine who served in the Army. I shared that story with him and he shared a story about being trained when he was in the Army. They actually had to put on the hazmat suits in the desert. I think he said it was like 100 plus degrees, 104 degrees or something. But they had to put on the chemical suits, the masks and the heavy equipment because the environment they were going into and training in was literally poisonous. They had to respect that environment. They had to. They had to respect that environment. They had to understand that they were going into a toxic, difficult and deadly area. And I think I want to point out that that's what it's like being around narcissism or rage or psychosis.

Speaker 1: 9:21

I have a lot of respect for people in the mental health fields and people that deal with addictions in deep ways, because sometimes you can't change the trauma or the person or you can't help them. You can't fix that room, you can't fix that energy, but we can put on our own emotional hazmat suit right. We can put on our protection. We can use our breath, we can use our presence. You can use your own boundaries. So here's a tool or method or something to practice with this week or this month. As you go forward, notice the poison that's in your day or in that moment. Second, inhale it consciously, name it. There's the anger. Let me breathe it in and then exhale. The third step is exhale that compassion out, exhale that white light out. And fourth, if you need to set your boundaries, walk away. You can still do that method, even from a thousand miles away. Our boundaries aren't rejection of those people. They're actually protection and keeping us safe, because those environments can be literally poisonous to our energy and to our minds.

Speaker 1: 10:52

Moving on, I think this is a big thing for me and obviously, being an entrepreneur, sometimes you can kind of get in your head, but when we have clients and they come and go, it can be a fun time to practice on yourself. So this week I wrapped up a session with a client whose name is Matthew. He's a CEO. We worked together for over a year and and it was just a great session. It was great to see him grow. He had so much. It's fun to work with people like that because they take these tools and put them into action and they feel the results. He literally shared how he has transformed into a better leader, how he's stepped into his parenting role better, a better dad, a better husband. And the most astonishing thing is that he's created a really healthy culture at his work where people actually thrive, where people actually manage themselves in a way where they feel inspired to come to work and he gives them ownership in the way they show up. Just an amazing progress.

Speaker 1: 12:05

But at the end of our call I asked him if he wanted to continue and he said no. And it wasn't because of money, as we dug a little deeper, but it was because he was going deeper in his own healing now and working with his therapist and counselor and he was diving into his own deeper trauma and trying to work his way through it. And, if I'm honest, I was disappointed and it's a struggle to be an entrepreneur and to really lean into this work as a coach and it's hard to get that cash flow going. Sometimes I could have used that re-enrollment number one to continue to support him but also just to have that cash flow. But here's something that's really really true Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is just to let go, just like step one at the top Admit you're not in control and trust that the work you've done together was enough for now letting go.

Speaker 1: 13:15

What a tough thing to do, and whether it's in parenthood or in our work, or again, setting those boundaries not pushing people away, but acknowledging what needs to be done and creating your own safe boundaries and putting on your hazmat suit. So let me bring this home you don't have to do this all alone. Go through life. You don't have to control everything. In fact, you can't. That's an illusion. You can choose and create those boundaries that you need for your life. You can use your breath you need for your life. You can use your breath. You can use your breath to come back to the moment and help support your nervous system, and you can also practice that fierce compassion for yourself.

Speaker 1: 14:11

This work is really hard, it can feel really messy, and I want to honor it by saying that it is worth it. It's so worth it. I sit here and think I am so grateful for my teachers, for my family, for my sponsor, for my Dharma teacher, for my weightlifting gym coach, who spots me when the bar gets really heavy and as we're in our heavy lifts this week. It means everything and, like I said, I am super grateful for my wife and my two boys. There's nothing more important to me than having that support and my fellow travelers. I couldn't do this without them. I couldn't do this without you.

Speaker 1: 15:05

So I'll reflect back to you. Who spots you when the weight gets heavy? Who's your sponsor? Who's your coach? Your brother or your sister? In this game of life, in this fight sometimes, who's going to reflect back to you what you need in the moment? And if you don't have one, reach out. You are not alone. I appreciate you taking the time to listen. I hope this inspired you and encourages you, but I really do deeply, deeply appreciate you taking the time to listen. That's it for today. I'll see you next time on Fierce Encouragement. Again, my name is Mark. Have a good day, have a good night, wherever you're at, and take care of yourself. Bye-bye.