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Coco Off the Grid
Let's go off the grid and get silly with today's headlines, work dramas and the unexplainable actions of others.
Close your blinds, shut off your lights and put your phones on airplane mode because it's time to join me for another episode of "Coco Off the Grid."
Coco Off the Grid
Lizard Tongue Hellions
Balancing the chaos of year-end work demands with personal health goals can feel like a circus act, especially when the only sound guidance is your squeaky office chair. Let's face it, the path to professional growth isn't always neatly paved, and sometimes, it's littered with comical mispronunciations that can turn a routine training session into an unforgettable day.
Ever wonder why movie trailers give away the whole plot or why some people still insist on buying paper tickets in the digital age? From the absurdities of crowded cinema seating to the joyous chaos of family gatherings, there's no shortage of humor as we tackle the holiday hustle and the art of repeating family photos at every event.
The tangled web of dating and social media oversharing is both a comedy and a cautionary tale. We'll dissect viral TikTok dramas, navigate the complexities of workplace gossip, and explore the eyebrow-raising personal stories people choose to share online. Tune in for a light-hearted yet insightful discussion on maintaining clear communication, realistic expectations, and the importance of self-awareness in both romance and social media.
If you like this show and all it's shenanigans, please feel free to give a follow over on Twitch and Tiktok (it's more of this!)
Twitch: qweencocobean
Tiktok: cocoabean34
What's up people? I hope everybody is having a fantastic week so far. As I said before, I'm gonna be running this same day bullshit again because I'm back to working in the office, my office, my normal days. So we're gonna be doing Thursday same day releases, cause that's how I've been doing it and that's how it's going to go. I know I said last week I would try and do it sooner, but Wednesday evening I just went to the gym. I went out.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to get better with my health and shit. Sorry, if you hear my chair. This chair is fucking squeaky. I think I need to get rid of this chair. It's fine for what it does. Maybe I'll just hold on to it and put it in in storage or something, but I've been like in such a cleaning frenzy to get rid of shit. It's crazy. I'm tired of holding onto stuff I don't need. Speaking of other shit. That's inconvenient. I am trying to.
Speaker 1:I've been trying to stay on top of things with this training shit for this new position, but stuff like this is what bothers me. So I'm getting very unlucky with the fact that when I started in this position, it's closer to the end of the year, year end at the company I work for is the worst possible time of the year because everyone's going crazy. There's mandatory OT. What else is going on? Oh, clients wanting to make sure their W-2s and 1099s are correct, everybody calling in for crazy payroll shit. It's just a bad time altogether. I've complained about it year after year. This year I'm not involved with it, but this year year. This year I'm not involved with it, but this year it's also putting a cramp on my training. So what I mean is training is supposed to be easy. You go to one section of the training class Cool, sorry, my shipped shopper is doing his thing. You go to the site for the homepage associate, you click on the link to learn thing and you're able to register for the courses that are instructor led.
Speaker 1:When I went in to go do that this time around and this was what I just started the position, just to get ahead of everything, cause I like to stay on top of shit I'm very efficient. There's no classes for us to sign up for and I didn't even know who my training representative was supposed to be. So of course I finally in touch with. I tell my manager I'm like who am I supposed to be speaking to about these classes. She puts me in touch with someone who puts me in touch with the actual person, because the person who I'm supposed to be reporting to for training um, or who signed me up for these classes, either or was out of office. So I waited until they returned and I messaged her and I was like hey, so I just started on 1028. I'm in reporting for implementation. Can you tell me what I need to do? So I'm already, I've already started the self-study for the for the course, okay, for to figure out my role with year end take, because the ones that I try and register for there's no live instructor led courses.
Speaker 1:So I have to reach out to that person, the training rep, and go hey, what's going on with this one? Um, am I supposed to sign up for this? Are you signing me up for real? How's it going to go? So she goes, um, she goes, okay, I'm going to meet with you and the other person who started with you at the same time Um, that person's on my team, by the way, and, uh, I will have a meeting. We'll talk about what you need to take. We'll talk about where we're going to schedule it. We'll talk about your availability so that we schedule you guys for the same ones at the same time, cause you started at the same time.
Speaker 1:I said, all right, cool, come to find out that there are no instructor led courses for associates because of year end, so they're just educating clients at this point. That's fine, whatever. So how do I get the education I need to do? This position? Just answer me that, okay, stop playing this game with me. Answer me how I'm going to take this shit, because I need to just take them, get it under my belt, get this shit going. Like what is the problem? So of course I uh. She finally gets me enrolled. All right, we're in December.
Speaker 1:Okay, december 28th legitimately marks two months. Literally marks two months that I have been in this position. No clients, yet just chilling, literally just in office, sleeping at my desk, pretty much not actually doing that Like I get up and I walk around and socialize to stretch my legs, because otherwise I'm like a done deal at my desk. It's, it's so boring to just sit there doing nothing. I help my old team answer questions. I don't have anything else to do nothing. I help my old team answer questions. I don't have anything else to do.
Speaker 1:So, that being said, I uh, this week was pretty good with training because there were duplicate trainings per day, so I've been pretty busy. There's one in the morning, one in the afternoon. So far it's been chill. I like it like that Cool, keep me busy, keep me interested. Today I had I was supposed to have one from one to four 30. So from the afternoon to the end of my day I was supposed to have one training on some labs, on some workforce now stuff which is the main program we use, which I probably don't need, but they just put it as a requisite.
Speaker 1:I don't know, I don't care. Fine, I'll take it, I don't care. Someone point me in the direction of what I need to fucking do. I'm tired of this, you know, chasing my tail, shit. So, of course, I've been having issues where the classes I'm registered for I'm not getting invitations to and when they don't, when I don't receive an email to something that I'm used to getting emails on, such as as hey, you've been signed up for this course. Please be sure to follow these instructions to get into the course. Please download this handout to follow along. Whatever that's the emails I'm used to getting for these trainings.
Speaker 1:Ok, so the fact that twice now with this same thing, with this same instructor, by the way, because Monday I thought I was in a training in the afternoon that I was not in until yesterday. So I messaged that same instructor and I go. I'm going to read it word for word because I still have it up here somewhere. Hang on, I'm scrolling, give me one second, so I go. Good morning, I believe I'm enrolled in your 1 PM course. I just wanted to make sure I was on your list because when I hit her up on Monday she sent me a screenshot that did not show me enrolled but showed my.
Speaker 1:You know my counterpart enrolled the dude I started with. She goes hi, someone canceled all associates from this class and instead opened it up to be an all client class. I said okay, let me talk to the training rep again. She may have mentioned it was canceled but didn't confirm which is the truth she did. I did speak to her on Monday about my whole training schedule. Like she showed, she sent it to me again. I already got it.
Speaker 1:So I uh, I go back to my training rep. I said hey, so she said that all associates were canceled from this class and I still have it on my calendar and I'm like, uh, are we sure? Like I just want to check because I'm tired of this shit. I don't want to get in trouble because someone else is fucking up. You know what I'm saying. Like this is not a me problem, this is. I got put into this position and no one knows what to do with me. Type shit. Let me just go back to upmarket. I'd be miserable and pissed off. I'm going to keep the bread y'all gave me in the raise, but I'm going to go back to doing bullshit and complaining about it. So, uh, she hit me up. I hit, she hit me back and she said this is the funny thing, this is what's pissing me off about this.
Speaker 1:So I said, um, was this to be rescheduled for another day? It was the 12, 5, 1 PM class for the workforce, Now insights lab. She goes let me see something. Hang on. There was a class canceled today, but I didn't think you were in it. Hang on, there is a new insights lab with all associates. Let me check the date. She goes. You should be in that one on 12, 11. I said, okay, let me check my calendar, let me check my outlook. Maybe I have an invite there that I forgot. That I clicked on, cause sometimes when you see mail come in in your inbox, don't you just like click it real quick to get rid of it? I do that sometimes. So I checked my calendar and I tell her I don't have anything on my outlook for 1211 for a training and she goes okay, let me double check on that. So I go okay, that was a 1010. We're now at 1034 and I haven't heard from her.
Speaker 1:And this is the shit I'm telling you. That's pissing me off about this. I don't care about training. I want other people to be efficient in what they have to do. I'm getting just so mad that nobody else knows how to do their job correctly or efficiently in a way that makes me feel confident that I'm going to get the education I need to do the job. Like if we could just do that, that would be fantastic. But we'll see, we'll see, let's see.
Speaker 1:Anyway, let's get into what I really wanted to talk about. So one of these um, what trainer was it? It wasn't the cute little one that I like. Um, there was someone else. So that, speaking of the trainings, so there's a uh, fucking, oh, my God, there's a trainer that I was working with I think it was Tuesday I almost died laughing. It was hilarious. Yeah, it was Tuesday.
Speaker 1:So this trainer, she said that she had been working with ADP for like 35 plus years in their education team. She said she basically helped build their enterprise learning team, which is all the representatives who do the trainings are set up, so they do the trainings and they chill and we, we sit in the classes, they teach us whatever. So she's calling out names, like she gives us like controls, as they say, and she walks us through the processes. And I'm telling you I think these trainings are just repeating themselves on a different level, cause I'm like, oh my God, deja vu, I've done this already.
Speaker 1:So of course, she starts pronouncing names and she wants to make sure she's pronouncing them right, which is fair because in this world, everybody's sensitive to everything. So why not just make sure you're saying the name right? So there's someone in our class. Excuse me, the name is I A N is how it's spelt. Now, what she does is hilarious. She just assumes how it's pronounced, because everybody knows, knows how the name I A N when you spell it out. I'm not saying it for you, okay, I just cause I want you to enjoy where this story is going. So that name comes up and she asks this person to navigate and she goes. Can you please go ahead and take over the controls? I'm going to pass them to you. A little box will pop up. Just hit, take control. So when he finally does that, she goes. Actually, you know what. I'm really sorry. I just want to make sure I'm pronouncing your name correctly.
Speaker 1:Is it Ian or Ian? And I just am like this isn't real, is it? Is it real life? I'm like ma'am, you've worked for ADP for 35 years. For me that's hard to believe because it can't be Ian, it can't, it just can't. And if it is, change it to Ian, because you must have just landed on planet Earth yesterday. Because no one says Ian, ian, okay, because I've never been more upset for a person in my entire life by hearing the fucking name.
Speaker 1:Ian said Ian. You know what Ian does. You know what Ian does. Ian gets swirlies in the men's bathroom, actually in the ladies' room. They take his ass in the ladies' room and they stick his head in the toilet and they flush it infinity times Until he goes. Okay, my name's Ian. You know what else Ian does. Ian is waving to people to help him while he's at the top of the flagpole strung up by his underwear. That's what Ian's doing. You know what else Ian's doing? Ian is being made to wear dresses in school. Ian is being made to wear his underwear pulled over up onto his head like he's a cartoon character. You know what Ian's doing? Ian is bullying Ian. That's what Ian's doing. Ian is taking all the steroids, okay, and he is punching Ian in the face a million times. Ian in the face a million times, okay.
Speaker 1:Why does she keep sending this thing about the engagement pulse? Anyway, so the kid's name's Ian and if it's Ian, no, it isn't. And that's all. I'm going to keep saying no, it's not. So someone was to say their name is like, instead of it being Claire, it's clear. I'm like, no, it's not, because the way it's spelled is Claire not clear, clear. I'm like, no, it's not, because the way it's spelled is Claire not clear. Anyway, could not believe it, could not believe that that was how that training went, was that? That was the only thing I thought about for the rest of the day, and, of course, I had to write it down and tell you guys, because why wouldn't I Cause? I mean, and I would never pronounce someone's name the way it isn't spelled. Excuse me, sorry, I didn't mean to yell. Actually, I do mean to yell because, fuck that.
Speaker 1:This past weekend me and the boyfriend went and saw the movie Red One. It was actually really good. I thought it was going to be stupid, because a lot of what movie companies do these days as marketing is they put all the good shit in the trailer so you don't actually have to watch the movie, and that's sad, because that makes me hate movies. That makes me not want to watch trailers, which I don't for the most part, unless I'm in a movie theater and they play the trailer Like I will not. I'll just look at the title, I'll look at maybe the picture of it, read a little bit about it, but that's it. I'm not watching the trailer because you can't keep doing this to us. It's going to make us a lot of okay. So here's what happens when I watch trailers.
Speaker 1:For the most part, I have a debate with myself and whisper to my boyfriend, whichever side he seems to be sitting on, whether or not I am going to take the time to buy a ticket, a movie ticket, wait in line for popcorn and shit and then sit with all these other people in a room and watch this thing. Or, if I'm going to comfortably, maybe in the nude, watch it on my couch at home, there's like different levels to movie watching. Okay, and I say maybe in the nude, because I don't want to do that, because that couch is nice and I don't want my ass, my bare ass, on it. Because I don't want to do that, because that couch is nice and I don't want my ass, my bare ass, on it. And Dan, don't tell me that I'm going to put down plastic first or towel. If I'm naked on something, I'm naked all the way. You either go big or go home. So I saw red one. It was really good.
Speaker 1:The trailer didn't actually reveal too much, which is what I like. Keep it minimal, please. Fuck sake. You guys want us to see these movies. Give us the whole thing up front and then wonder why your ticket sales are dookie, dookie, okay, so I basically am whispering in the movie theater when I see every trailer that goes by. I'm like on the couch, like that's how I say it, or I go no, or fuck yeah, like that's how I say it, or I go no, or fuck yeah, like that, and I hope people hate me that sit by. Also. Who the fuck Okay, this is the other thing who the fuck is still buying tickets at the booth?
Speaker 1:Bruh, who last minute says let's go see a fucking movie? I haven't done that since 2000. We have apps for everything. Now You're telling me that you're not going to look on an app, book your seat in advance and then go. What kind of cave creature are you? Now, I'm not saying this because I'm technologically savvy. I'm saying this because I want to make sure I have arm room. These people actually walked up with paper tickets in their hands. Arm room, okay. These people actually walked up with paper tickets in their hands.
Speaker 1:I'm not leaving it up to that booger eater at the concession stand to you know, hey, this seat and this seat's available, cause I'm going to ask is there someone sitting next to me? And if they say yes, I'm going to be like move me to another seat. I don't want someone sitting next to me Like has COVID taught people nothing like this? So it's me, my boyfriend and then literally a woman and her man next to him. Me, meanwhile, I have a seat empty next to me. Actually, I have two seats empty next to me and I'm like, bro, when we went and we booked this ticket I think it was friday, it was friday or saturday the fucking theater was empty as fuck.
Speaker 1:All of a sudden, um, all of a sudden we get in there and it's packed as shit. And we got there early because and let me tell you something, the amount of people in that movie theater I have not seen that in forever, and it was for Wicked and probably Moana too, and that line was crazy behind us. That's why I'm like, yes, I have that priority AMC. Go on that line, go go to the left, go to that yellow little sign that says special people here and not special like that. Special as in we do shit right and get shit done and we're efficient. That's why it's gold. Anyway, actually it's like a ruby color, but I'm going to say it's gold anyway, just like I'm never, never pronouncing I and Ian Then.
Speaker 1:So this was after we did family festivities and I said I was going to do what we were thankful for, type shit, but my sister did it with her phone and then I was like, oh, I don't really want to pass around my mic like that. So I didn't do it, and I don't really care what everybody's thankful for. I said that I was thankful for the fact that my mother was not standing over me in a kitchen for an entire day. We laughed, we thought it was funny. We went, we laughed, we thought it was funny. Um, we went to Ruth's Chris steakhouse. Like I said sorry, if you heard that noise, there's the dumpster. I guess something's going on with that. I just heard a crash. Uh, we went, we. We went to Ruth's Chris steakhouse. It was fun. We ate, we drank, we were married, whatever they say it is. I'm hoping no one else messaged me any stupid shit, cause I'm not looking. Adp notifications, global recipe exchange I ain't exchanging shit, okay?
Speaker 1:So taking pictures at family functions is not my favorite thing to do. I'm tired of taking pictures. We had Thanksgiving, which was Thursday, and then the following day was my sister's 18th birthday. Everybody that was in the Thanksgiving photos was in the birthday pictures. Nobody different showed up. So I'm trying to understand why we did these pictures twice over. We were just in different fucking outfits. That's it. That's the only difference Different fucking outfits. And it doesn't even matter. That's the other part of it. It does not even matter. Okay, that's the other part of it. It does not even matter. Okay, it's just, it's enough's enough. Okay, I'm tired. We drove like pretty much all day Thursday, and this is the other thing. My uncle is so crazy, so I have no problem doing family members favors, okay Now we drove the two hours to Riverview, to my mother's, before we then sat around for an hour to then get back in the car to drive 30 to 45 minutes to the restaurant in Tampa.
Speaker 1:We ate there, we chilled, we ate, we chilled. We were out, we hung out. We drove the 45 minutes back to my parents' house, excuse me. And then we sat around for a little bit. And then we drove an hour minutes back to my parents' house, excuse me. And then we sat around for a little bit and then we drove an hour to my grandmother's. On my way to my grandmother's, my uncle texts me and asks if we could drive them home because they could get an Uber or some shit. So I was like all right, how far are you guys? And I'm asking this because I'm thinking like, hey, we're going to hang out first and then drive them. No, when we get there, he wants us to just like, I guess, wait outside and they come out and we bring them home.
Speaker 1:And I'm like, oh my God, I'm like praying to the heavens. I'm like, lord, please, don't let this be real fucking life, because I love my uncle, but just sleep at your mother's house. There's an extra room, like what's the big fucking to do about? And then my mom, I tell my mom and she's like, well, you should just sleep at uncle Alex's. I'm like I don't want to fucking sleep at uncle Alex's. I want to sleep at my grandmother's, where I know the fucking bed is okay, that you know a space I've been in before. I've never been in my uncle's uncle's house and I don't want to. I don't want to. I already had my plans set up the way I had them set up, so anyway.
Speaker 1:So I was like, please, please, god, like all the way there, while, while the boyfriend is driving, please, please, lord, please, please. Just you know, please, let him have gotten an Uber or some shit. Cause I told him, I said, what's happening with the Ubers? They're not working. Like I'm not trying to be a dickhead, but I'm trying to like get him to realize that we've been driving all day and if I have to make my poor boyfriend drive somewhere else, I'm going to have to do a little something, something for like payment, to pay him back for all the patients he's needed to have. So, uh, we get there finally Sorry, I'd take a sip of water, I get real dry. Um, and don't be gross.
Speaker 1:We get to my grandmother's and I'm like trying to be so in control, like I'm like, come on, please, please, please, don't make us drive anymore. Today, it's just been such a pain in the ass. And then, of course, we get there, we knock on the door, like we ring the doorbell or whatever. We knock on the door, I see my grandmother come over and then, you know, I don't see anybody else in there, and there's like a window by her door, like a little sliver of a window in the doorframe where I could see. If I poke my head to the right a little bit, I could see into her house, so I could see who's in there. So I look and I still don't see anybody. So I'm like, all right, maybe they're in the bathroom, maybe they're getting ready, maybe they're like packing up some shit, whatever. Get inside and nobody's there. So they had left already.
Speaker 1:So not only did I not get to see my uncle that night anyway, but he'd already left. He apparently their friend that was staying at their house with them I guess they were hanging out together was able to find them an Uber at my grandmother's. He's like yeah, our girl kristin found us, uh, I think her name's kristin, our girl kristin found us at, uh, an uber in like 10 minutes, but we could not find one over here. Sorry, I had to scoot forward, fucking chair. Um. So I said okay.
Speaker 1:So I was like that's rude, you left without us. And he's fucking like yeah, we were drinking all day. We're just so tired, blah, blah. I'm like oh, bruh, just say you wanted to get my aunt home, because she gets crazy when she drinks. Excuse me, I have to yawn.
Speaker 1:So, anyway, in any case, we get there, we relax. She's asking if we want any food. I'd eaten too much that day. So I was like, no, I'll pass. And she was like well, I have coffee if you want that, or like any kind of sweets. And I was like oh, no, no, no, I'll pass on the sweets, but I'll take some coffee, cause, even though I was tired, iqs will pick me up for like two seconds, cause coffee does absolutely nothing. That coffee was strong as fuck too, and if I'd been younger and not so used to caffeine it probably would have worked, probably would have kept me up, but it didn't. So there's that. So I had coffee, we relaxed.
Speaker 1:My grandmother was cleaning by the time we got there and then she of course decided she was going to do turndown service, so we kind of had to wait for her. We had to wait for her to uh turn down the beds and stuff and put the blankets and everything and, um, that took a little bit, so we didn't actually get to bed till like 1 pm. I woke up at 10. But it's a lot like holidays are very a lot.
Speaker 1:I think one year I'm just gonna chill at home with the boo because it's too much. It's too much so it's too much driving around and it's not like oh, I don't even know how to say it right, it's. It's too much work to just sit around and eat. Like there's a lot to do, like no one ever comes this way we're always going that way like my place is bigger. This year we could accommodate them. It's just a lot. I'm just.
Speaker 1:I'm not sick of holidays, I'm just sick of fucking. I'm just sick of dealing with um, the driving, the, the toll it takes sitting in one place to then just not do anything for the rest of the day. Like I missed when not living at home, but I missed when I was able to just go downstairs, eat and then do whatever I wanted for the rest of the day and we didn't host anybody. Like I love my parents. I could never live with them again because it's insane, but it's fine. It's fine I guess, but I'm just.
Speaker 1:I think I'm just getting too old and I kind of want like quieter shit, like next year. I think it's just. I'm thinking next year we just do nothing, just sit around in pajamas, I'll cook. We're getting a little old. I feel like to be doing shit with my parents. Like I'm 35, he's 40. I think we probably should just be doing our own traditions now and relaxing, and just relaxing in our underwear anyway.
Speaker 1:And again, taking pictures of family functions is fine. Um, I think my sister Addison was getting tired of it because she one of the pictures, one of the family pictures. She was like stuffing cake in her face. I was like thank you so much. I really do appreciate that because I kept like looking at my mom, like enough with this shit. Already we're in a fucking restaurant, like we did it in Ruth's crisp, but we did it by the front door, we weren't sitting at our fucking table like trying to take pictures. And I'm just like yo, I love my family. Okay, don't get me wrong, but enough is enough. Okay, we took pictures with the same people. We could take a group picture, but that's fine, we don't need to do. Let's do the girls first, let do. Let's do the boys after that. No, bruh, take a family photo and that's it. And let me sit down and enjoy my fucking shrimp scampi that had shells on it for some reason. No tails, but shells. Anyway, um, let's see. Enough of that.
Speaker 1:So the rest of the year is looking like I'm going to be poor, and, uh, I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. The order of events so far. So, let's, let's recap. Let's go back to Thanksgiving. It was Thanksgiving. My sister's birthday, my mom's birthday is December 21. Christmas is December 25. Mother, set of twins, siblings, is the 27th. So for the rest of the year, I decided I'm going to be poor. I think that's what my DNA has decided. Is that wants us to be poor. Let me see. Oh cool, he found all my groceries. Yes, hold on. I didn't answer him. I feel bad. Thank you so much, anyway. So I'm really, uh, I'm really deciding that I guess being poor boredom is the way to go, and uh, oh god. So this will be good.
Speaker 1:This might be a short episode because I didn't have too much this week, but the holidays came and went. I'm tired. Christmas is running the middle of the week. Like, how fucking crazy. Like on a Wednesday, lord, on a Wednesday, it was a Monday last year. Was it a leap year? This year, yeah, it was Fuck. That's why. So Christmas is on a Wednesday. I don't have any more PTO to take, so I'm going to be working before and after. The best part is, though, is that Thursdays, I work from home anyway, so Monday, tuesday, I'll be in office. Thursday, friday, I'll be fucking working from home, so it don't matter to me what we do. The only thing I feel bad about is that my boyfriend is probably gonna be driving again, which I'm telling you, man, I've had enough. Anyway, I already got his Christmas gift, so he's good.
Speaker 1:So let's, uh, let's, take a look at some stupid, uh stupid girl questions. Okay, and then I might have to play you a Tik TOK clip of this conversation. Watch them fucking take it down, but I don't care. Uh, I have to figure out how to just insert it into it so it doesn't sound fucking terrible. So check this shit out. Um, this girl asks so I'm in this like sex craft group on Facebook and a lot of the shit that they post has to do with. Well, what if he's like this? What if he doesn't do this? What if it's this? What do we think? Go ask the person you're fucking. That's the response I want to give, but I don't want to get like kicked out because I like trolling these people with you guys. So this woman goes I had a guy spit on my kitty before eating me out.
Speaker 1:Never experienced that before. What's it mean Anything, or is he just weird? First of all, what is wrong with you? Just enjoy the moment. Like how? How do you have time to think about this while you're in the moment? Is the head that bad? It can't be good if this is the question you have afterwards.
Speaker 1:Is he weird for spitting on it? He's licking it. There's saliva already getting put on it. What does it matter if he spits on it, first Like what are you looking down, going like, did you just spit on me? And then, like you know, get off me, you creature. No, you're, hey, fuck me. Like that's it. That's so crazy. He spit on it. Do I stay with him or do I, you know, date someone else who just does it? Regular experience life, bitch experience life.
Speaker 1:If you're like, if he dragon tongued your shit, like if you ever okay, if you ever met somebody who did that stupid, crazy shit you know these people out here who are doing like body modification shit where they split their tongues so they could have lizard tongue. If you ever met a guy that did that and then dragon tongued your vagina, are you complaining after that or are you finishing on his face? Sorry to get graphic, but it's like, what are we asking? What are we asking, like, be honest, dudes, if a girl split their tongue like that and was able to wrap their tongue around your shit like a crazy, you know, crazy muscly little basket, container, burrito thing, are you finishing? Or are you saying get away from me, hellion, I bet you're finishing because you're a kinky little freak and welcome to my TED talk. You can also come sit by me because we can talk about that shit all day.
Speaker 1:But like, is he weird? No, he's not weird, it's what he likes to. Maybe you're dry. Maybe he's trying to fix his situation so that he wants to fuck you. Maybe he's wondering why you're sandy as fuck, maybe that. Maybe let's figure that shit out. That is so fucking funny. I just what do you mean? I've never had a guy do that before. Hold on, I got to rewind this. This is this is going to be the funniest thing you hear today.
Speaker 1:So there was a tick tock out where this guy and this chick went on a date together and it just so happens that this radio station was speaking to her first, and it just so happens that this radio station was speaking to her first and decided that they were going to speak to her first about the date and then talk to him about it, also, I guess with her on mute, which I thought was the craziest second thing. So basically, what happened is these two work together and decided that this chick decided she was going to take it too far. The guy was chilling. The guy works with her. Doesn't know her from Eve. Okay, as they say, they work together as an usher in a movie theater. He fucking relayed some information to her about where he's going to be after work. But just in passing, like you would with a casual friend, she decides that she's going to take it upon herself to show up to said place, said bar, where he mentioned he was going to be now after they. So they speak to the radio.
Speaker 1:Dj speaks to her first. She describes the scenario. They speak to him afterwards, after hearing all this bullshit, and decide that you know, they're going to leave her on mute while they talk to her. And all of a sudden it becomes like a battle of knowledge of who's into who. And when I say that I mean the chick is more into the guy, obviously.
Speaker 1:So what happens next is basically, the guy is supposedly lying. Okay, the guy's supposedly lying. The chick takes it too far, thinks that, um, the guy's denying his true feelings for her, and it carries on for a little bit. So basically what he says is like okay. So they ask him. They're like so you went on a date with her and he's like no, we had chicken. And like we had wings and fries. And of course she gets mad about that detail because she's like who the fuck cares what we ate. She's like, no, we had chicken, and like we had wings and fries. And of course she gets mad about that detail because she's like who the fuck cares what we ate? She's like a date is a date. Secondly, he says to her he was like I never even asked you to show up. She's like so then why would you tell me where you went? Isn't that a sign that you want me to show up there? No bitch, it's someone being friendly at work.
Speaker 1:This is how that movie, fatal attraction, came to be. Someone is nice to someone else and then they think there's an advance and then there's a whole bunch of other shit. Obviously, fatal attraction is not the same situation. These people work together and that's it, and it wasn't a mutual affair type situation. So he's like I tell he's like she just decided to show up 20 minutes after I got there and my friends are there and it's like well, what does she want me to do? Like he was, like I was being nice to her. He's like because you know, you just got to be nice, you just got to be a human, which is fine, everybody feels that way. But essentially what happens is and I'm going to send this tick tock to Dan because I know he's going to want to actually hear it, because unfortunately, I tried to get in touch with the person who initially posted it and had not heard a response yet, so I'm just going to speak it into existence.
Speaker 1:Um, basically what happens is he claims that she's crazy. She claims that he's denying his true feelings for her and that you know how can you deny real love and all this stuff? And I'm like bitch, are you crazy? Like the whole time, I'm like I I do not want to be a woman because of this person. Like, after everything you hear in this episode and the other shit, I'm going to tell you about these women acting up. It's just women need better friends. Okay, because if I was this chick's friends, I'd be like are you fucking crazy? Why would you show up there? How long have you known this person? Y'all don't know each other and you just work together. Like I would never encourage a friend to go hang out with a stranger by herself.
Speaker 1:Number one, she didn't show up with friends. She showed up and saw him and his friends. Like how does she not? How does she know that something bad isn't going to happen? That's the other thing you guys do not have any kind of common sense or any kind of like stomach for this type of shit. Did you have a taser or anything? No, she was just so enthralled by the fact that somebody asked her out and you should have heard her talking to them.
Speaker 1:I felt so bad for her because she genuinely thought she had a human connection with this person. He's like I haven't even even known her for 48 hours and this is how she's acting about this whole situation. He's like I haven't even known her for 48 hours and this is how she's acting about this whole situation. He's like I'm debating marriage and kids with a person I don't even know, and then she's like we shared a human connection, we had a whole conversation about our life goals and this and that, and he's like you talked, you talked about your family, and it's like, yeah, she talked because she thought she was in love with your ass and it's funny because you know, they offered to pay for, like, a second date and everything. And uh, he's like, yeah, no, we're not gonna do that and I don't blame him. That bitch sounded really extra crazy and I'm really mad that I cannot include the fucking clip in this episode. That's how pissed off I am about it. But you know what life isn't it? And you can find it on TikTok.
Speaker 1:The person's name is second, second date radio. Yeah, it's pretty ridiculous. I hope you guys take a listen to it. In any case, I wish you guys had heard it. It was pretty good. It was pretty good. Okay, what the fuck? Number one, number two the fact that she would, the fact that she would ever say that she felt love after being with someone. I've never felt that before. Okay, I'm like embarrassed to be a woman because of her. Like they work as an usher together.
Speaker 1:She, he mentions where he's going, she just turns up and she's like oh true, true love connection. No, it's not. She said that she had a date with him. No, she didn't. He just happened to mention casually, because that's what people do at work. Oh yeah, how long is this movie? Because I'm meeting a bunch of friends here, here and here in about 30 minutes. That's not me inviting you, that's not me saying come meet me, that's me telling you I have like something going on afterwards and I need to get the fuck out of here.
Speaker 1:Like, oh my God, bro, I listened to it, I listened to it and I was like this can't be real life, this can't be real life. It and he said, no, still is even crazier because that's free food. But I wouldn't want to subject myself to that kind of crazy either. I also want to know what kind of friend, what kind of friends does she have that are just letting her do this silly shit? This is what I'm saying. Like, I can't be friends with women like this, this shit. I would I probably have smacked her in her face and been like, what's wrong with you? He could have been a good guy to you, but who told you to go meet him? Like, who told you this was an okay idea?
Speaker 1:So I may or may not be able to use the audio of the TikTok in this, but we'll find out. Um, we'll see what happens. If I have to cut it out, I have to cut it out. If I don't, I don't. I'll do some research, maybe you know, uh, but if I am able to use the audio, you would have just heard the entire call. But that shit is just that's crazy.
Speaker 1:Okay, and um, that's crazy that she would say that any of those things like oh, we're in love, and how can you deny true love? It's not true love bitch, love, bitch. We had wings and fries. Like his answers to everything are so cool that it's like I can't even be mad at him for being so straightforward with it. You know like you want to be mad at someone like that because they're blowing you off. I don't think I've ever had that feeling.
Speaker 1:The way this chick is with so strong emotion of meeting someone and hanging out with someone she only knows from work. If someone, someone, wants to get to know you after work, bitch, they will, and even then they may not want to. Anyway, you might get some texts and shit first. You might have to have actual conversation with them first to see if he even wants to be bothered. You know what I'm saying? What is this? I'm no longer involved in this. Okay. So get me out of this email chain. Sorry, I looked at something from work and apparently I'm still getting emails from one of my own clients, but there's women out here doing the fucking most for no reason, like there's another one here who she? I was talking to one of my friends, alex, this week and she said let me see where's her text. Chat at, holy fuck, it's down here, okay.
Speaker 1:So this other person in that sex group posted I can't find my clit, and no one else can either. I've looked and tried. I'm 40 and never found it. Watched videos, looked by myself and with help, I don't think I have one. Found it. Watched videos looked by myself and with help, I don't think I have one.
Speaker 1:Honestly, ma'am, this is the type of shit that you should be talking to a therapist about. Okay, this is not something you should post on Facebook, because there's people like me waiting for prey like this that have separated from the flock. You know what I mean. Like you're a limpy gazelle right now, okay, and I'm just going to jump on that ass because that's insane to put that out there like that. I don't think I have one. Honestly, have you been to a biology class? Have you been to a human sexual class? Have you been to anything to know better than to post that in life? Hold on my ship. Chopper is so extraordinary. Thank you so much much. I appreciate your time in any case. Um, bitches are crazy. Like what do you mean? What do you? Oh, we talked about everything. No, you talked, bitch, you talked, and I've been in print plenty of like girl friendships too, where it's just been one-sided.
Speaker 1:Sometimes it's me that that's the person that's one sided other to other times it's like the other person just won't shut the fuck up. So I kind of just like sit there and I'm like, oh my God, more wine please. Like just ordering another drink while they're acting the fuck up, be this way and think I'm still interested in talking to you afterwards, like even as a friend. Bruh, we're going to have to take a hiatus on this. We're going to have to take the strongest hiatus and never talk forever. Oh shit, almost opened again. Um, let's see, I thought it was so funny that during that sound clip, all you heard was one of the other DJs laughing. All you heard was one of the other DJs laughing at her. He's not even trying to stifle the laughter. I like that.
Speaker 1:The other female who would have been me on that radio show goes. Hey, are you sure you didn't blow this out of proportion? Bitch, you're asking the right questions and I'm here. I'm here for you because you know what to ask her. She's immediately that bitch goes. No, it is a yes girl. You blew it out of proportion. You have a guy embarrassing you on the radio. The fact that you even told this to another person and didn't think that these you know shenanigans, shenanigans, inducing DJs won't call this guy up and be like, hi.
Speaker 1:So she gave us your number and we wanted to ask you how it went for you and put you on silent mute, like have you mute yourself? And just listen to him be like, yeah, no, it wasn't a fucking date. I thought he was gonna turn around and be like, yeah, that's my wife. Like I literally thought that that was gonna be the conversation because the person who posted it was like I'd marry him anyway. Why would you marry him? He's not toxic. You can't be attracted to normalness. You can't be attracted to normalness. You can't be attracted to the most basic answer ever, cause that's all he did. He answered how an honest person would and she got her feelings hurt. I don't know how she got her feelings hurt when she was part of the problem. So, anyway, this clit lady is stupid. If we go back to that, the other thing that I noticed is uh, let me see, let me see, let me see. Thing that I noticed is uh, let me see, let me see, let me see where the fuck. Oh, here we go, the when I posted.
Speaker 1:So at the start of this, the start of the sexual portion of this episode, which was like the back half um with the spitting on before eating out thing, my friend Alex gave me this shit. She said the the fuck shit my girl screenshot. So this is a friend of a friend, so this is my friend Alex's friend, and it's on her timeline where apparently this girl posted someone tell this dirty bastard, come get his shitty underwear. Was never worried about the next bitch because I already had the other guy. And then she tagged him but apparently he was blocked because the name is not bold anymore. First of all, the picture itself says can't post new pictures because he ain't got no teeth. Just come from bedrock for cutting blah, blah, blah. Like can't see the rest of it. She took a picture of his underwear with the biggest skid mark I've ever seen in my life, which at this point would be considered road rash. So she says someone telling him to come get his underwear and crunchy socks. Then she posted some other shit and I guess a private message with him.
Speaker 1:So here's my problem with all of it, all of the above. I'm not shaming the dude for this. You know who I'm shaming the chick for posting this shit. You know why? Because it's a weird ass flex to post a dirty motherfucker. You can't make fun of him because you were fucking him. Are you serious? You were having sex with this person and you didn't smell any of that.
Speaker 1:There is no possible way that this man showed up with dirty drawers like that. Dirty drawers like that, absolutely not. I have ghosted a person who showered for two minutes, because there's no way your entire body is not clean in two minutes. Your entire body is not clean in two minutes. So you better sort out your problems, sort out your life and get in the shower, get that ass back in there and actually clean it. Put soap between the ass, cheeks and the balls, okay, there's no possible way that this chick thought that this was a good flex or a good look for her to make him look stupid when she's the bitch that's posting. Hey, I used to fuck this guy and I was never worried about the next guy, because I already had this one Girl. Worried about the next guy because I already had this one Girl. Never worried about the next bitch. Excuse me, girl, you should be worried for yourself.
Speaker 1:Go get every fucking test. You can get blood work, get a psych evaluation, do everything you have to do to bring yourself back to a normal mental health state, because you cannot think that posting this makes us think anything less of you. I think a lot less of you because you had the mindset to think, oh, I'm a one up his ass right now. No, no, you showed your ass. You showed yours because you hung out with Dirty Draws Boy and you're trying to make it seem like oh, it's okay, I'm not dirty Bitch, you're the dirtiest. Don't talk to him about his underwear. Talk to him about your mental health. Talk to him about the brain that you don't have. What's floating around up in that skull? Nothing. Oh my God, this can't be real life. I'm so sorry I'm. I'm really stuck on this because I'm a clean person. Okay, I believe in being clean. You know that cleanliness is next to godliness. Shit. I believe in that.
Speaker 1:This motherfucker's hanging out with Satan with these dirty ass drawers yes, dan, I'll send you the picture too. Just let me know when you listen to it. But this so gross, men, tell your friends to clean it up. So gross Men, tell your friends to clean it up. And also, he has no teeth. So again you're losing. It's like 0 for 2. Actually, 0 for 3 when you include crunchy socks. What's wrong with his feet? Why are his socks crunchy? Because if he's fucking you, he shouldn't be jerking off into socks, making them crunchy. Oh my god, this bitch. And then let's see, yeah, and my friend Alex was like, but like you were with him with the shitty drawers and all that. And then here's another thing. Here's, here's this.
Speaker 1:This group by Facebook was off the charts this past few days. I won't gatekeep. Frozen tampons are a game changer. I'm not sticking a tampon sickle up my vagina. There's no possible way. The way that I fucking threw these screenshots, like I was making it rain on my girlfriends, is crazy. I was like there's no way you're sticking an icicle up your vagina to make it feel better. There's no possible way. Just take some Tylenol, actually, you know what. Take a break from social media too. Take a break from not even life, like. Just take a break from everything. Just go to sleep, because the day can't get any worse for you, like it's not even going to get better.
Speaker 1:This was the highlight of my day for posts. But you need to like. You need to reevaluate what type of friends you keep that are like take her, not saying take her phone. Take everybody's phone. That post the craziest shit. Take that clit lady's phone. Take that road rash fucking bitch's phone. Take that. Take everybody's shit. This is another one. So this is another one and is another one, and I'm gonna end on this one.
Speaker 1:Okay, ladies, please give me your feedback on your man pleasuring himself. He does it every day as soon as I leave for work. We don't have sex often because it's kind of a turnoff for me to get home and see the dirty towel in the laundry. Oh, I'm so mixed feelings about this. Help, are you not talking to him, do you? Is he mute? Is he mute and deaf? Why don't you just talk to him? And I'm telling you, if I was to comment in that group, just talk to him I'd probably get banned.
Speaker 1:But it's like if you're with someone who you can't talk to about basic shit like this, you should not be with that person. It's not any difficult than that. It doesn't get any difficult, any more difficult than that. It can't be. You're not with the right person If you can't explain your issues or, you know, say hey, I'm displeased with the fact that I see a crunchy looking ass towel in the fucking hamper. Also get a hamper with a lid, so you don't see it. How about that? Also get a hamper with a lid, so you don't see it. How about that? Invest in shit that hides it from you. What's the problem?
Speaker 1:This isn't Don John, like that fucking movie where. What's his name? Oh God, what is his name? He was from third rock, from the sun. What is his fucking name? Hold on, I'm gonna look this movie up. This gets me so mad when I can't remember shit, don John. So that movie is oh my God, that movie is 11 years old. Can't remember shit, don John. So that movie is oh my God, that movie is 11 years old now. Fuck Shit.
Speaker 1:Joseph Gordon Levitt. I like how I find it. And his name didn't even pop up. I just needed to see his face.
Speaker 1:So Joseph Gordon Levitt has a sex. He's like a sex addict, kinda. He likes to watch porn a lot, he likes to. And he starts dating Scarlett Johansson, who he was trying to get with, and she gets pissed off at the fact that he, you know, cleans his own house, saying that's emasculating. I'll get you my cleaning lady. And he likes to clean his own shit. That's like a point of pride for him, like he's a very clean dude, and she tries to like change his whole fucking life and makes it worse.
Speaker 1:I'm like there is no possible way. You know, there's no possible way that, um, what is this? I don't want to do none of this shit. Sorry, someone messaged me about working on a project that I can't be bothered. Um, there's no possible way that you, you would want a dirty guy or that you would be mad at a guy who jerks off.
Speaker 1:Sometimes ladies aren't in the mood either. You know, sometimes women just like to be chilling. Like the older you get, like not the less that you want it, but it's like the less that you want to be like all sweaty and shit. Um, it's not true. I love my boyfriend, um, but sometimes you don't. You don't just don't need it. The companionship is nice. You have someone you get to bother all the time, um, but yeah, so, uh, I think, I think that's a good place to stop.
Speaker 1:Um, I have to look up and see whether or not I can use that audio. If I can, I'm going to leave it in. If not, it's going to get cut out and I'm just going to have to recap it for you. But yeah, basically, that lady's crazy that she went on a date with someone and I might just leave it in and be like fuck it. But who cares? Nobody, not enough people listen to this, anyway that it's going to be monetized. So but, thank you guys for listening. I'm really tired. I guess I have to hop into a meeting about stupid projects. Um so we'll see what happens. Um, thanks so much for listening. Hope you have a great rest of your week and I'll catch you guys next week. Bye, we'll be right back.
