07 - Jennie Bayliss on emotional healing

In episode 07 of "Show Up and Shine," Carole Ann Rice hosts Jennie Bayliss, a fellow coach who specialises in emotional blocks and deep healing. 

Discussions include how unresolved emotional issues and stored traumas can sabotage our progress, and explore the powerful intersection of bodywork and emotional healing. 

Jennie also shares insights into techniques like EFT and Inner Child Work, while delving into the surprising emotional releases that can occur through physical modalities like yoga and massage. 

This episode is a must-listen for anyone looking to understand the deep-seated blocks that prevent personal advancement and how to overcome them to truly show up and shine ✨

Trigger Warning: This episode discusses topics related to emotional trauma and recovery, which might be overwhelming for some listeners.

Powered by and edited by Mike Roberts at Making Digital Real

Transcript

0:00

They've tried the kind of practical, logical, rational way of moving themselves forward and they just keep self-sabotaging or they just can't do it and then they realise and like you say sometimes through yoga or through having body massage that suddenly all these tears well up and that can be very overwhelming for somebody if they haven't realised that this was what was their block. Welcome to Show Up and Shine with the UK's leading life coach Carole Ann Rice, the podcast that is curious about what drives, motivates and inspires people to show up for success even when the clouds gather, the chips are down and the duvet beckons. Hey there everybody, it's Carol-Anne Rice and welcome to my Show Up and Shine podcast. We're here for when the chips are down and it's gloomy and you're not feeling up to it but you do it anyway because that's what we do. We are people who get on with life and how do we do that? How do we show up and shine when I don't know you're not you're just not feeling it, you're just not on it and I'm interested and I've always been intrigued what keeps people going because I'm a trooper, I do keep going, I probably should my cost sometimes show up and shine when I shouldn't. In fact I put on a lot of masks and we're going to be talking about that today with our special guest in a moment I'll introduce her but we all have masks and one of mine is looking like everything's okay even when it isn't and even if I do share that things aren't okay I try and make the other person feel good by making them laugh. It's my defence mechanism. Does anyone relate to that? Almost like you don't want to burden people with your own problems so you kind of make light of it. Anyway that's one of my masks, it's not great and I didn't get it from Estee Lauder, I don't know where I got it from. It's a coping mechanism and if you see them on the counter vested order don't buy it, they don't work and they're entirely fake and they don't stand up to the harsh light of daylight. Anyway I am delighted as always to welcome my guests because I hand pick them like a little champagne grape off a vine, the lovely jewels which are the guests that come on the podcast and today I'm particularly delighted to welcome a friend and a fellow coach Jennie Bayliss. Welcome Jennie. Oh well thank you Carole Ann for inviting me it's lovely to join you on your wonderful podcast. Thank you so much Jenny. Now Jenny and I go back a very long way over 20 years. We did the same coaching course together which was called Coach You and at the time it was the only one in the whole world. We wanted to become coaches, there weren't loads of academies like there are now and we joined up and it was a two-year course, a very very long course. We had to phone America for five hours a week sometimes to do the modules over two years and then we kind of graduated at the same time but we were in the same country although Jenny is in Portland in Dorset and I was in London and we set up our coaching practices from there but we've gone in different directions. Do you want to say what you did with your coaching Jenny? Yeah so I think everybody who trains to become a coach in the beginning isn't sure where they're going to go and over time you become interested in one area more than the other and because you're interested in that area you tend to attract more and more clients in that area and so for me it became more and more about the emotional side, the emotional blocks that stop people from moving forward and so I went on to train in EFT and inner child journey and journey work and various other things that took me down a slightly different route from from you. It's interesting the more I learn about stored emotions, problems that we don't process properly, the deeper the subject it is and I'll never come to the end of it of what I'm learning. I mean I'm on social media a lot looking at different subjects about trauma stored in the body and how even doing somatic exercise in your hips, the hips even store trauma when we're in fight or flight mode and the hips take the brunt of our trauma so you could be doing yoga and find that you're crying one minute because something's released from the hip bone. Who knew? Yeah but it is true. I firmly believe that trauma is stored in the body and it does act as a big block so sometimes people come onto the emotional side after they've done the more traditional route so they've tried the kind of practical, logical, rational way of moving themselves forward and they just keep self-sabotaging or they just can't do it and then they realize and like you say sometimes through yoga or through having body massage that suddenly all these tears well up and that can be very overwhelming for somebody if they haven't realized that what this was what was their block. I agree but how do we know if we have or not got stored trauma? What are the signs of one? Yeah so I think in terms you know coming back to the idea of masks when people don't feel good enough for whatever reason they may have had trauma, they may have not even recognized it was trauma because we assume that trauma is this big massive horrible event and of course sometimes it is but also it can be just a series of minor events typically in childhood but sometimes in early adulthood as well and that leaves the person feeling lost, hurt, perhaps angry but most of all not good enough and so when they feel not good enough there is what I call the adopted persona which is the mask that helps people get through things and for sure the mask can be a coping mechanism that you kind of put on get through the day and then you can take it off and that's fine but it's when it becomes sort of like glued on that you never allow anybody to see beyond this adopted persona. I'm so glad that we have our coaching sessions together Jenny because I have to reveal to everybody that we coach each other and have done for years and finding a good coach to take the mask off and download to is all part of it because as I said earlier I might share with some friends what I'm going through and if I can see their faces like oh this is too much information or I don't know what to say or I don't know how to hold this space I immediately rescue them with a comedy making light of it joking changing the subject or you know making them laugh in some way because I can see I'm not going to get any relief here I'm not going to I'm actually going to feel worse for being vulnerable for sharing with somebody who can't basically hold the space for me and so you have to be very careful who you share with so my mask is is simultaneously useful in you know protecting me and others but also makes me feel very sad and lonely sometimes too so I'm really glad I have you as a coach and various other people that I've gone to because I know that you know it's not great to have this side that you have to protect so much from other people lest you upset their lives with your pain but anyway there's less mask for me now and less and less pain but I do think we are often in denial of things that have happened to us and the real effect it has on us so although I say show up and shine I really urge people to have a look at what is holding them back and what the emotional blockages are and I know that is your field of expertise and you've now written a fantastic book called Heal Yesterday's Trauma Let Go of Lingering Hurt from Betrayal Abuse Harm or Sadness and you say on the book here it's book one of emotional healing tell us about this book Jenny and how it came about that you wrote this because I know it's been quite a journey for you yes it has been a huge journey and a lot of help from you along the many years that it took me to write it I had a time in my life where I was sexually abused and as a child you just don't know how to deal with that and for me I was I grew up in a very loving caring family but they could not cope with it just like your friends cannot cope even sometimes with the sadness my parents couldn't cope what with what had happened to me so it was largely just brushed under the carpet wasn't spoken about and as a child that leaves you feeling very vulnerable and so in order to cope you you find this mask you you don't want to show people that you are not good enough so I obviously hid it from the world from everybody but I realized with my work I'm helping people deal with these kinds of things all the time and it was almost like I felt increasingly I wasn't being authentic by not showing it so I originally wrote it it was actually after a meeting that we had at a mutual friend's garden and I just thought I have to do this but then I couldn't I just it was too scary but every now and again the universe kept giving me a little and also when the universe goes and so I felt right I have to do this and I even to the point of getting ready to publish it I still had some fears are people going to judge me because people don't know this about me but I decided I'm at that age where it's okay you know it's okay if people if you can't cope with it it's fine because I wrote this book for the people who are struggling the people who I use the analogy of the swan they they look so graceful so serene so perfect but underneath the surface they're paddling like crazy to just keep everything going and also it it happens I think for most people who are on that kind of thing there is a tipping point mine came in my 30s I just couldn't cope anymore you know the the floodgates opened and that was the beginning of my healing journey so the book shares some of my story and then shares some of my clients journeys as well obviously very carefully disguised so that nobody would know who they are but the story is is true of what people shared with me here at the the jasmine house which is my retreat house yes I should have added that you have this beautiful retreat house on Portland yeah I do and it's with the ward garden it's called the jasmine house and specifically helps people who have relationship problems either ending a relationship or in the singles or couples there which is amazing Jenny but go back to your book I must admit I'm two thirds of the way through and I am an avid reader and there's a reason for that I've even turned the corner down on a page where I am so it is actually two thirds of the way through because I keep stopping and thinking you know it's one of those books that you read and you go you can't just rush on you stop and put the book down and you have to process it and absorb it and I love that so as a coach even though I know a lot of coaching tools and techniques there's some lovely new ones in here which I didn't know about and I'm also processing for myself and for my clients it's a fantastic book but you know some people like to pull rank on the pain and trauma stakes and say oh that's nothing you should see what I went through or you know or you know I had an illness and I had one leg and I managed to finish the marathon and it just goes on and on people kind of score points off their pain and sometimes you don't realize how hurt you are and I love this book because it can be betrayal it can be unkindness that's happened in childhood or unkind words said from a partner or harm intentional harm or unintentional harm and just an over pervasive sense of sadness these are still traumas and it doesn't have to be you know death or some hideous illness it can be those things that are part of life that are traumas and I would like people to pay attention more to that but is that your intention as well Jenny that people don't just say I am sad and that happened and get on with it but to actually watch out for those moments because they're not to be pushed away. Hi I'm Carol Anne I've been a coach for 20 years and I share all my incredible coaching tools and techniques at the Pure Coaching Academy if you're looking to train to be a life coach join us it's eight weeks of pure fun intense training and everything you need to know about becoming a world-class life coach we also show the tools and techniques you need to set up an amazing abundant practice too purecoachingacademy.com is where you need to go to see how to change the world with you doing what you do best as an amazing life coach. And I think again it's all this kind of fine balance so there are times when we need to you know in your phraseology show up and shine but if we constantly ignore that that's causing us sadness and pain and upset eventually it leaves us feeling frazzled exhausted and not able to really enjoy life to the full and like I say a lot of this is not the big stuff I mean it can be sadly it can be but often it's not that it is the kind of accumulation of the the small things that have been happening so one of the things that I know and we talked about trauma being stored in the body so the body chemically holds trauma in the body and if it's small thing and we laugh about it we get over it in whichever way our mask shows up for us but then another thing comes in and now we've still got the old one and now we've got the new one and then if we have another new one and then this trauma just weighs down in the body and it can cause all kinds of physical ailments as well as mental health problems so yes I would always encourage people to try not to dismiss these small things you know like you said the oh this happened this happened this happened and oh look at me I'm fine or being overly attached to um pain you know that too is a mask you know um I pain from whether it's physical mental emotional or maybe even spiritual is pain and it helps if we find ways to release it can you say what can you explain what being overly attached to pain means please yeah I think um you see it on social media like uh trauma survivors welcome here you know that to me that's such the wrong energy um so and on those kinds of um blogs and forums you get this one-upmanship of like you say trying to prove that your pain is worse than theirs and and in my view pain is pain and you can't compare it um because how somebody deals with what happens in their trauma is dependent on so many things you know I I um was sexually abused as a child but I think the impact on me was far far less because I grew up in a very kind and loving family um and it doesn't mean that there was no impact but you know if somebody has that and then they are growing up in a family who have got their own difficulties parents with their own trauma for example who just are unable to give the child the love and the care that they needed yeah and you were lucky to have a kind and loving family some families aren't like that or they have they just don't know how to access that kind of support for their children um so when when we when we grow up our happiness and our well-being is 100% our own responsibility although a lot of us are seeking to be rescued like if I meet the right person they will relieve me of my pain and my loneliness or my sadness if I meet the right person or a really good friend they will take away my feelings of vulnerability or whatever but actually at the end of the day yes adults we have to do that work ourselves and it's nice to have a good partner and friends and support but it is down to us to rescue ourselves throw ourselves the the life way the life raft and and dig ourselves out of this and I think that's the bit that's frightening for people that they say I don't want to look at it again I don't why go through all that again and it's like or even with as you probably found as well with your clients I don't want to open that can of worms well you either carry the can sorry I'm not making like who wants to carry a can of worms around with them open it let it out and let some flowers in you know like there's some sunlight in so how do we help people start to look start to explore start to allow yeah I think I think the most important thing of working with a coach or a therapist counselor psychotherapist is the relationship so the relationship has to come first the person has to feel that you are in a they are in a safe space and it doesn't necessarily take very long for that kind of rapport to be established but somebody is not going to open that can of worms with somebody who they don't feel safe and and so my role is always to reassure people that they are safe and as you said most of my work today is down here on Portland people come to my home and it's to welcome them and make them feel like this is a home for them for a few days that this is a sacred space that whatever they share with me I'm not going to judge them not going to blame them and it just is what it is we've all got some trauma I have yet to meet anybody with no trauma and after 20 years yeah you know that's a lot of people yes yes so um it's just it depends on the degree of trauma and how much it's impacting somebody in their everyday life absolutely and it's worth saying that isn't it that everyone will have trauma you don't have to be defined by it you don't have to see it as your final resting place or your lot in life um tell us a bit about a couple of chapters that I particularly like is the one on and truth talking I have a lot of clients who say to me I really want to say something I don't know how to find the words tell us about truth talking and the graceful art of saying no the graceful art of saying no yes um so this is a method that I developed I wasn't the first person who thought of this um excuse me there's a great guy called Tim Urosini who wrote um The Coward's Guide to Conflict and he he talked about something very similar to this and I had already started to develop truth talking and he called his truth talk and so but we had slightly different methodology so I did contact him and say you know and I think reading his book he went to coach you as well and he was very gracious and then over the years it's developed even further to create this very simple formula um that people can use and it's using again a very um well-established um methodology called I statements because if you are upset with somebody our natural instinct is to say oh you did this and you did that and we're pointing fingers everywhere and the other person whoa just shuts down and they don't hear a word you say whereas when you express yourself as I then you're informing the other person especially when use a coaching technique that you and I know of keeping the tone neutral without these peaks and troughs um so yes this is never I don't think anybody even after all these years of me training this in the moment I still go back to basics if it's a really big thing and I write it down and I work it out and I practice it so that I make sure that I don't blame and judge because if you're angry it's kind of natural that you want to do that so um the would you like me to go through how we use truth talking to get our message across without judgment and without anger so that someone else listens to us yeah so the first bit is that to help the other person listen to you so for that there is what I've called the genuine acknowledgement so you're going to genuinely say to somebody who about who they are and what they're doing in that moment so ones could be like I can see how hard you're working right now and how important that is for for you and for us as a family so that person if that is true they will kind of do the nodding of the head and then the the next stage is to truthfully say how it's impacting on you and in this kind of scenario it might be I feel really lonely um because it feels like I'm doing the home side all by myself and then the third bit is either to make a request or to go into what I call step into wonderland and the latter is always the best if possible but if it's the request it might be on a Wednesday night I'd love for you to get home on time and take the kids to the park you know make a simple request that is doable um if it's in wonderland it is I was wondering how we can change this now it's very important that most people say they they want to use the the phrase I am wondering or I was wondering and then they make it a request they go well I was wondering if on Wednesday you could take the kids to the park which actually isn't the same because that's just a not a polite way of asking for something whereas I'm wondering or I'm curious is genuinely being that invite the person into the solution in this way they're far more likely to buy into whatever solution that is so that's that let's recap the first step is to acknowledge the other person thank you for doing all you do and I really see that you're working very hard and you know difficult times for you or whatever second is I currently feel I'm feeling her lonely vulnerable or not heard at the moment and it's making me feel xyz and then finally finally is and so thinking about this I'm wondering I'm curious if there if we could do this together or if you might help me with this but you do it in such a way where it's not with judgment and it's not a demand no it can can my demand is quite strong but it can be a very firm request you know if you're at the end of your tether the previous conversations have not ended it it can be as strong as I need more help yes and I'd like for you to xyz so yeah so this works because you've acknowledged the other person and it's an eye statement so they can't argue with how you feel yeah yeah and then because uh the the and and I think the thing is people don't want to acknowledge the other person like like when they're cross they just want to go well I'm the or you're and the idea of saying oh I can see that you're sad or that you're working hard or that you're you know to acknowledge what they are going through people tend not to want to do that and I encourage them I say if you want the other person to hear you you absolutely have to acknowledge them and genuine it can't be a false compliment false compliments that's not going to work it has to be genuine um and then people are hesitant of letting people know like I feel sad I feel vulnerable I feel angry or whatever because there is a fear that the other person either might take advantage of them or dismiss them um so it is a step in vulnerability but when my clients have done this there is so much success and the one that just springs to mind right away is um there was a who had decided they were going to go to Spain to live they wanted to set up um I can't think what you call them but it's sort of like a holiday not as she'd like the French things but similar and they had talked about it but nothing ever ever happened and so the wife was so frustrated and then I taught her the truth talking conversation and she set it up set up a nice dinner and um explained how she was feeling and then he went and she her suggestion was I would like for us to go to Spain next month and do a recce of these three towns that we have agreed and she said and he just said yes that's okay I know she was floored because she had got whole sort of like the next steps lined up and she said but I've talked to you about this for ages and he went no you've not and I think he probably hadn't heard her because her way was using new language all the time but when are you going to get sorted out and when can you do this and that and so she was always I think pointing the finger wanting him to do it yes but in her mind she was having a conversation conflict in her mind with him without saying shall we do this and actually she was hitting against the door that was already open and he was ready and willing to go ahead and explore options in Spain which in her mind there was a conflict against him and that he wasn't doing something oh we've all done that we've all done it we've all got it absolutely and it is about sometimes having that self-awareness of I'm talking to somebody and they're not listening and then mostly we want to again go well they're not listening to me rather it might be our language that's stopping them from hearing us that's very interesting because I have this with clients and they say well I have told