Stop Looking For Red Flags! Do This Instead

In today's episode, Justina talks about how looking for red flags is ruining your chances of creating a healthy relationship and what to do instead that is simple, easy and gets straight to the point of whether or not someone is a fit for you. 

https://beacons.ai/justinavictoria

Transcript

 What's up guys, I'm Justina Victoria. I am a psychosexual expert for men and couples, and if you're new here, welcome. If you're returning, welcome back. Today we're going to talk about red flags, how to stop looking for red flags and do something else instead that will really tell you whether or not this person is worth dating.

I don't even have the words  to describe how sick I am of hearing these two words, red flag.  I want you to throw this concept in the garbage. It causes so much confusion. And people get twisted up, they get so like in their head, overanalyzing, looking at every single little thing a person is doing or saying  in order to figure out, Oh my gosh, are they a good match?

Am I going to repeat an old pattern? Am I going to get like in the same situation that I was before?  And it's exhausting.  So I'm going to teach you something to do instead of that. And that is to. You know, when you're single to really repair your relationship to your system of feelings, needs and boundaries.

So what does that mean? Okay. So most people kind of talk about feelings, needs and boundaries is something that are separate from each other. The way that I teach it is it's one system, right? So your feelings tell you what your needs are, your needs. Inform you of what your boundaries are because boundaries protect your needs.

So you might hear people saying Oh, I really need to work on my boundaries or I really need to like get in touch with my feelings, right? But you can't actually separate those things. It's it's one system So i'll give you a really simple example that I usually give my clients  If you work a 12 hour day and you know, you didn't have any breaks or anything and you're on your way home and you start to feel exhausted.

Right? Exhaustion is a feeling. That feeling of exhaustion is informing you that you You have a need of rest. Okay, and let's say you go home and you lay down on the couch and you're like, oh, okay I'm starting to meet my need of rest so that my body can downregulate the hormones of stress and I can come back to equilibrium Well, somebody knocks on the door you go to the door and it's your friend and he's like I need you to help me move right now I need you to come with me right now and move and it'll probably only take like four hours, but I need you right now Well, then we know what the boundary is, because the boundary protects the need, protects the need getting met, right?

So,  when we grow up with caregivers who have  impaired relationships to our feelings, needs, and boundaries, that your parents didn't validate your feelings in a consistent and healthy way, they didn't meet your needs, physical or psychological, in a... Healthy and consistent way, and they did not respect your boundaries in a healthy and consistent way, then we internalize that relationship the relationship that they had with our feelings, needs and boundaries, then becomes the relationship that we have with our feelings, needs and boundaries.

So we can have this impaired relationship to our feelings, for example. Okay, so let's say, your  father always told you that it's not okay to cry.  Right. It's bad to cry. You're bad. You're wrong. If you cry. Okay, so when you get older, right, when you become an adult, you're going to have an impaired relationship with sadness.

And the problem with that is that, you know, our feelings are just trying to tell us that we have an unmet need. That's literally all our feelings are ever doing. Unless we're experiencing elevated emotion, then it's communicating that our needs, you know, are getting met really well. But if we're feeling dysregulated in some way, it's telling us that we have an unmet need.

So that unmet need continues to go unmet because we cannot decipher the message. We, we have an impaired relationship with it, right? So we will, we'll feel that sadness and we'll go, Oh, I'm not allowed to feel this sadness. This is wrong. This is bad. And we'll, we'll. perpetuate that in adulthood.  When in reality let's say that you're feeling sad because your need is to really belong.

Instead of being able to identify that need and start to get that need met in a very healthy way, then that feeling of sadness starts to down regulate. What we do is we go, Oh, I feel sad. I need to do something with this. I need to journal on this. I need to think about it. I need to go to therapy for it.

I need to cry it out. I need to stuff it down. I need to talk to somebody. I need to go get a drink. I need to smoke some weed. I need to play some video games. I need to binge watch Netflix. I need to eat a lot of food. Instead of just being like, I have a need that needs to get met. It's very black and white.

Instead, we have a lot of built up stories. So anyways, point being is that when we have an impaired relationship to our feelings, needs and boundaries, we go into a relationship and we're unable to tangibly and consistently ask for our needs to get met. And this is what causes toxicity in relationships.

This is what causes breakdown of relationship. This is what causes cheating. This is what causes essentially, this is the cause of all. Issues in relationship, because if we're getting our needs met in our relationship, then we're happy. Then we're thriving and we feel good with our partner.  So instead of looking for red flags, what we do is we really work to repair that relationship with our feelings, needs, and boundaries.

We learn how to connect to our feeling and start to identify what the need is. And then we start to meet that need in adulthood and a lot of these things were not met in childhood. They weren't met in a healthy way or a consistent way. So we actually have to stretch ourselves to see, to believe, to be creative around being able to meet these needs because we actually have a story that these needs are actually unneedable, like they're unattainable, like we can't meet them.

So we start to change this relationship, and this is what I believe is the actual relationship to ourself. When we talk about self love, it's really the relationship that we have to our feelings, needs, and boundaries. And if you think about it, that's the core of our relationship to anybody, right? So it makes sense that that would be the relationship that we have with ourselves.

So when you're going on dates or when you're in that first... Stage of a relationship, right, where you're dating somebody and you're trying to figure out, like, is this a red flag? I don't want to repeat a pattern, etc, etc, right?  You're not looking to their behaviors and the little things they're doing and the little things they're saying and were they late?

Were they ten minutes late? And did they say hi to my mom and and did they want me to meet their friends or whatever? Like we're not doing that because  You will lose your mind.  You will drive yourself insane. And it is so much easier to just  find out what you need and tangibly and clearly communicate that, that to the person that you're dating.

And then you can see whether or not they're capable or willing to meet your needs.  And that's the foundation of a healthy relationship. That's it. That's literally it. And what I love about repairing your own relationship to your feelings, needs, and boundaries is that it then acts as a vetting system.  So there is no need to like overanalyze, overthink, ponder, wonder, argue, problem solve all these crazy things with people's like behaviors and the way they're showing up and making up stories about them.

It's too much and honestly, like the list of red flags that I see online these days is so insane. It's literally gotten to a point that's like, you might as well just never date anybody because nobody is perfect. Like nobody is going to show up and be like, everything is a green flag.  The only thing that truly matters in a relationship is whether or not you can get your needs met.

Right. And it's a mutual thing. Like we need to be meeting each other's needs and relationships. So you need to be willing and capable to meet somebody else's needs. Right. And a lot of the time, if you have insecure attachment, you're going to have to overcome yourself. You're going to have to overcome your stories of fear of abandonment, fear of relationship and suffocation and feeling trapped and, and betrayal and taking, being taken advantage of.

There's lots of stories that go along.  With the conditioning around insecure attachment. And so your job is to like really work to get beyond those stories to rewire yourself  to clearly and communicate, sorry, clearly and tangibly communicate your. Needs in a relationship and to see, to use that as a vetting system to see if this person is willing or capable of meeting your needs.

And this is honestly the best thing that you could do for yourself and for any. possible relationships that might form for you now and in the future,  please stop looking for red flags.  The only red flag there is, is your inability to clearly communicate what you need and find out whether or not somebody is willing and capable of meeting those needs.

So I hope this was really helpful. if You're interested in what I have to offer, there is a link below with all of my services and my website. I do do one on one coaching. I also have my monthly membership, which is the boys club that goes through masculine energy, seduction, eroticism, romance. I go through insecure attachment, nervous system, health, and dynamics.

And if you're struggling with anxiety, depression, issues in your love life, The boys club is an amazing self paced program that you can do. It's a year long and you can take your time going through that, or you can reach out to me, send me an email, send me an application for one to one coaching. I usually have a wait list but you can reach out and see if I have anything available until next time.

Love you guys.

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2277338/episodes/14049323-stop-looking-for-red-flags-do-this-instead