The Myth Of Bad Sex

In this episode we explore how conditioning shapes our perceptions of intimate encounters.

https://beacons.ai/justinavictoria

Transcript

 What is up, guys? I am Justina Victoria. I am a psychosexual expert for men and couples. If you're new here, welcome. If you are returning, welcome back. Today we are going to talk about why there is no such thing as bad sex. So stick around. 

Most men are conditioned to believe that their worth and value come from three things.  Picking up heavy things,  fucking a lot of women, and being emotionally avoidant.  And You know, that one of like, fuck, a lot of women is very, very, very heavy. And you know, women are, we're conditioned the opposite way, right?

Like we're taught that the more men that we have sex with, the less value we have. And for men, the more men, the more women that they have sex with, the more value that they have, right? So it's very kind of interesting.  wE have this conditioning so you can see how that kind of plays out in, in behavior and society and how people act and what they believe about themselves or about others.

And so this is, this is the starting point here of, of what I want to take you through in this video of why there's actually no such thing as bad sex.  So  sex is not a test of your worth and value, even though that's how most people have been conditioned. For men is like, if you're not having enough sex with enough women and they're not like telling you that it's phenomenal and it's great and you have a huge dick and all this stuff, then you're a failure in life.

Then you just don't have value as a man.  And the reason why that is just simply not true is because, and I always use this comparison, sex is like eating the chocolate cake.  So like, there might be a night you're sitting on the couch, hanging out, watching a movie, and then you just get hit with this craving.

Like, it would just be like fun to eat some chocolate cake and you go get yourself a piece of cake. You eat the cake and you move on with your life and you're like, that was fun. The cake is not like keeping you alive. It's not tied to like your survival. Like you could literally never eat a piece of cake ever again and be fine.

But if we apply the same logic of conditioning to eating the cake, like if we took the cake and we said, every time I eat a piece of cake, it's going to be a measure of my worth and value. Eating the cake is now a test of how. Much of a man. I am right. You would become completely neurotic. You would just be like eating this cake in very specific ways.

Or you might be nervous about it or you might get confused. Like, I don't know, like which hand do I normally hold the fork in? I don't remember. Oh my God. Oh my God. She's looking at me. She's looking at me. She knows I don't know how to eat the cake properly. Oh my God. My value, my worth is going down every second right now.

But like, that's silly, you know, like eating a piece of cake, right? Like  Doing this activity cannot change your worth and value, but because it's been repeated in so many different forms for so long,  just whatever is repeated to us, we just kind of believe it is truth. I mean, that's just the way it is. Repetition equals familiarity.

It does not equal truth. I want you to remember that. This is something that I, I constantly drive home with my clients, even with myself. Sometimes it's like just because something is repeated over and over again, and it feels really, really familiar. It does not mean it's true. And we very often confuse familiarity with truth.

So  sex is not a test of your worth and value. Sex is actually just something that we do because it's fun. And you know, it's something that regulates our nervous system or it's meant to regulate our nervous system. It's one of what's, it's supposed to be one of the most highly regulating activities, if not the most regulating activity that we can do to downregulate our stress response.

But if we have a bunch of like things around it, like sex is a test of, of my worth and value and my performance is being evaluated by some Cosmic grading system and all the women know and they have a WhatsApp group that's all about how, you know, I'm bad at sex and everyone's gonna know  and and so if we have all that around it, it actually strips sex from its original essence, which is just for fun. 

It's just, it's just fun. Like we eat the cake because it's fun. We have the ice cream because it's fun. We have sex because it's fun and it's healthy and it's regulating for us. And it feels good. It feels good.  So so sex cannot, sex itself cannot be good or bad,  but it can be, the experience of it can be a reflection of the state of your nervous system. 

So, the vagus nerve is split into three sections, and your vagus, if you're not familiar with your vagus nerve, your vagus nerve is kind of like the master nerve of your body. You have other nervous systems in your body, but the vagus nerve is responsible for regulating your mood, the stress response, your digestion, reproduction, immune system, brain function, blood pressure, you know, like on and on and on. 

And so it really regulates the homeostasis of our body, including the homeostasis of our emotions and our survival response. And so the vagus nerve goes from, you know, back, top, down the front of your body, all the way down to your groin. And it's split into three sections. You have from the bottom of your chest to the top of your head is what we call the ventral vagus and ventral is responsible for elevated emotion.

So when all of our needs are getting met, when we feel safe from danger, this part of our vagus nerve activates and we experience elevated emotion when we're in danger or one of our needs is not being met. Then this deactivates and then you have your belly area. This is your sympathetic pathway.

Sympathetic then comes online and sympathetic is your fight or flight response. Okay? So if you're walking through the woods and it's like beautiful day, you're on a hike with somebody that you love spending time with and the sun is shining. It's perfect temperature. You have no work. Like you're just like high on life. 

You're having a great experience that you're in a ventral state, but let's say like a bear jumps out of the bush and you immediately, this turns off, you immediately mobilize energy into the sympathetic response, meaning that all of the energy. That you know is going for immune function and digestion and reproduction.

Those things get shunted into your arms and legs to prepare you to run and fight or to actually run and fight.  And so what happens is that all of these vital systems go on low power mode.  Okay, so that we can use that energy for survival.  So we run from the bear and the bear catches us and we fight the bear, but then we're losing.

So our last ditch effort in staying alive is sympathetic turns off and then the bottom kind of area where like your groin is dorsal vagal activates and dorsal is,  you know, it's like Playing dead. It's the last ditch effort in keeping you alive. It's the last kind of trick up the nervous system sleeve in order to keep you alive.

And in hopes that you can trick the, the predator and then you come back up this ladder. So you come, you re mobilize back into sympathetic, back into ventral and and you come back to safety. So here's the thing about the nervous system states. You have ventral, sympathetic, we have freeze, and we have dorsal.

And freeze is where both sympathetic and dorsal are online at the same time.  So here's the thing about these states.  We have what's called state specific thinking, feeling, behaviors, and narratives in each of these states. So I want you to imagine that each of the states of the nervous system when activated are like A colored lens.

Okay. So if you're in ventral, the lens is green and everything in life is wonderful and you're thinking, you don't have like a lot of thinking, but like the thinking that you do do is very like life is great. People are wonderful. I love connecting with others. I wish I could live in this day forever. I feel so good.

Like you're going to feel good. You're going to think good thoughts. You're going to think minimal thoughts. But the thoughts are going to be good and, and positive and your behaviors are going to be all connection based because when ventral is activated, it's our social activation system. So we connect with others.

We, we want to, we want to have conversations. We want to spend time with other people.  Sympathetic, we can view as the yellow lens, and the yellow lens, we experience emotions like anger and fear and we think rapidly, there's an urgency, there's like danger, threat, we have to like fix something, we have to do something and the behavior is all in alignment with that, and then we have the  The dorsal just to keep it simple.

We'll kind of cut freeze out of this explanation, but we have the dorsal lens, which we'll say is the red lens. And when the red lens is in front of us, right? What we experience is depression, heaviness, sadness, grief, loss despair, hopelessness, right? So think of sympathetic anxiety, dorsal depression and dorsal is all about, you know, immobilization of energy, right?

So we've feel heavy. We don't feel motivated. We're like, what's the point anyway? It's never going to work out. Like we, this is where we have suicidal thinking. Like nobody cares about me anyways. What does it matter? So each of these States is like putting on a different set of glasses. So like, you know, people say, Oh, you have rose colored glasses on, right?

Like they're actually saying like, you're in the ventral state. That is the lens that we're seeing through.  We're in sympathetic, we're in the yellow state, we're seeing yellow, we're seeing threat, danger, we have to protect ourselves, we need to protect somebody else, we need to like fight, we need to run and so each of these are state specific.

So,  what sex is like in each state? Right? It varies. So, sex itself, like in, in the same way, like you can replace sex with something else, like a slice of pizza. Okay, so like, if, if our relationship to the pizza is gonna be colored by the lens that we're in, for inventual, we're gonna be like, Woo! I love pizza!

Let's go pizza party! Woohoo! Let's dance around, whatever, eating the pizza. Digestion is going to function optimally, right? Like it's, it's just everything's easy. We go into sympathetic digestion. Our function of digestion is, is impaired. We're going to feel shaky. We're going to feel our appetite goes down.

So like you might try to eat like a little bit of the pizza, but you're like, Oh, like I'm not hungry. Like and then if you're in dorsal, like your experience of pizza is going to be very much like, you know, like I have no appetite. I Don't like, I'd rather just lay in this bed and die than eat the pizza,  but the pizza itself is just pizza.

The pizza doesn't have any meaning, right? It's just the meaning that the lens is giving it the, the, the, the meaning of the experience of the thing, right? So if we. We put sex back in, right? We look at sex, like how we experience sex in each of these states, you know, in ventral, there's deep connection. Like you can reach spiritual states of ecstasy and bliss and, and love and, and vulnerability and just like merging souls.

And like, you can reach those states in ventral. A lot of pleasure, a lot of joy feeling just like everything's right. Everything's aligned. It's, it's just like, it's, it's just right. And sympathetic, you're going to be in the head thinking, is this good for her? Does she like this? What's going to happen if it's not good?

Is my dick big enough? Am I hard enough? Am I, oh, what if I can't orgasm? What if I orgasm  That's the experience of sex. And sympathetic because we're digit digit digit mobilization of energy. So we're thinking on like a sort of a rapid pace, rapid fire thoughts. They're all worst case scenario thinking. 

And they're all about how you're a loser and going to end up alone. That's typically how sympathetic vibes. So in sympathetic or you might even feel like awkward. Like, there's a lot of awkwardness in this state. Like, you just can't sync up with the other person. Like, it's just weird, and you're getting, like, flustered, and you're flushing, and you're like and you don't know how to say the right thing.

And then, endorsal really sexist non existent. I mean,  You're you're likely in that seat, not going to be able to get hard. I mean, I don't think I've ever had a client who was able to get hard in a dorsal state. Like if you're grieving, if you're sad, if you're heavy, if you're depressed, it's going to be very, very difficult to to have and maintain an erection.

Because everything is there's, it's an immobilization of energy, right? So in that state, the experience of sex could simply just be like, I don't.  I'm not a sexual being. I don't have a sex drive.  I'm repulsed by the thought or I can't get it up. I'm heartbroken, whatever. So I just, I want you to see like each thing is a lens. 

So, and we have other lenses as well, but. Really, like, sex is experienced through the state of the nervous system. So if you've had experiences where you've had bad sex or you're afraid that you're bad at sex in general or what the bad, bad sex is going to mean, really, it doesn't mean anything. It's made up.

It's not true. It's not real. There is no such thing as bad sex. It's just the lens, the experience that you're having, but based on the nervous system state That kind of makes you think it's good or bad. So I hope that was helpful. I hope that kind of shines a light on sex in a way that maybe you've never heard before.

I try to make things very simple and straightforward for my clients so that they can have like really rapid transformation and solutions to the issues that they come to me with. 

I really want to educate and upgrade my audience on, you know, like, Sex education, right? Like, but in a different way. Like, I feel like most sex therapists or sex coaches are like very  They're always talking about toys. I'm like, oh Like communicating sex like to me that's so boring and so played out and like here's where the penis goes in the vagina like  And like, we do need that.

But for me, like, I really view sex through the lens of nervous system.  And you know, when we're in ventral, our problems go away.  That's pretty much how it works. When you're in ventral, you have great sex. When your nervous system is regulated, when your stress response is down regulated, you have great sex.

You have sex that you're like, that was amazing. That was so good. We stopped tying our worth and value to the idea of sex or performing in a certain way, or we're being tested in some way, shape or form. Then we downregulate the stress response and then we just have like great sex all the time or what we consider to be great sex all the time because we're in the lens  of ventral where like everything's just kind of great anyway.


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