EW, Communicate about sex?! CRINGE

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Transcript

 Welcome to So Hard. I'm Justina Victoria. I am a psychosexual expert for men and couples. If this is your first time here, welcome. Um, if you are returning, welcome back. I am so happy to have you. Uh, today I want to talk about  Communicating about sex. And yes, in the title of this podcast, I did write out the word eye roll because  I think that Experts in this field teaching communication, especially about sex, is so cringe.

It's just so ick  and so clinical and it just makes me cringe, to be honest with you. Um,  and  You know, sitting down with your partner and just,  I don't know, like talking to them about what you like or what you don't like, and it's this weird, awkward thing, and both people's nervous systems are going into freeze, and it's like, it's just, it's just a little weird.

Like, in my opinion, sex is a somatic  experience. It's an experience where the mind shuts off  and we're present. in the body  with another person. It's an experience that we're having that we're present with.  And I think that  trying to communicate about it,  um, with  words.  can be kind of clunky and strange, especially when you're listening to some like weirdo sexpert telling you like the top five ways to tell your partner to like lick you better.

It's just so weird. It's so weird.  And, um,  and so I think You know, what I would like to do is share with you listening today, how to communicate with your partner. If there is something that needs to be communicated,  um, I want to start with how to not communicate. So communicating in a weird robotic clinical way, because we're going into the freeze response and we're all, you know, frozen up and we, we don't know what to say and it's like so vulnerable.

Um,  we want to try to. Avoid that, in my opinion, um,  because it just sends a signal to our partner that we're not very confident in, in our own needs. Right? So,  how not to communicate.  Would look like sharing what you don't want  sharing how your partner is disappointing you  Wrapping what you need in a criticism. 

I've had so many clients over the years  Come in simply because they developed performance anxiety after they had a woman  Quote unquote, communicate about sex to them.  And that woman never learned how to share what she wanted or to, to wrap it in a praise, um, or tell her partner what she needs. She learned to communicate what she wants through, you know, explaining what she doesn't want and criticizing her partner.

And that can do quite a lot of damage, uh, especially for men because men  really are programmed to believe that a lot of their worth and value come from their sexual performance.  So if you get bad feedback, if you get weird feedback, if you get  feedback that's a criticism, it can really cause your nervous system to start to relate to sex in a, in a very threatening way. 

So we never want to communicate about sex in a way that is, you know, highlighting the negative.  If you do want to talk about something,  then it needs to be Just about what you want to experience. That's it. So it's like, Oh my gosh. Um,  do you know what would feel amazing? Do you know what would make me feel so good?

Do you know what would make me happy? Do you know what I would love is if you could do X, Y, Z for me, you always want to make it tangible. So I teach this  quote unquote formula to my clients that I developed over the  on how to communicate needs. And. When you share a need again, biggest issue is wrapping it in a criticism or explaining what you don't want.

That's a huge, huge problem for a lot of people.  Um, and that can cause our partner to become defensive. Cause we're first stating that they're doing something wrong. Nobody wants to hear that. Everybody's going to tense up. Everybody's going to feel a bit defensive when we, when we come out the gate like that. 

Um, But secondly, we're not actually giving them any tangible thing to do. So they're trying to guess what you want by you telling them what you don't want. And that never works. Doesn't ever, ever, ever work. So we want to sit down. We want to think about what is something that would make me feel good? What is something that would make me really happy?

What is the thing that's missing for me? And write that down and make it tangible. One of the examples that I use with my clients is If you didn't know what you wanted for lunch and you went to a restaurant and you sat down and the waitress came over and asked you what you wanted and you didn't know, right?

You might say,  Hmm, uh, I don't know. Like, you know, I, I, I don't really like tomato and I don't really like, uh, cheese and I don't really like, um,  Like, I don't know, pepper, whatever. Like you start naming off these things that you don't want. Is the waitress going to be capable of knowing what you do want?  No, there's no way there's a hundred menu, a hundred items on the menu.

She doesn't know what the hell you want. Only you know that you're in, you're the only one in your body. So you're the only one that can tell anybody what you need, what you want. Right. So, the only way that waitress can fulfill your order, right, for you to have the experience you want to have,  and let's say that experience is you eating a BLT with French fries,  is if you tell her that's what you want, right?

And you, you are specific. If you don't like mayonnaise, you tell her, please don't put mayonnaise on my sandwich. It's plain. This is the kind of bread I want.  No salt on the fries or a side of ketchup or whatever, right? You're going to tell her exactly what you want because you want it to come out the way you want it, right?

You would never be vague when you went into a restaurant and placed an order. So we never want to be vague with our partner when we're asking for what we want.  And this is the other thing, right? Is I feel like there's a lot of experts and the sex words and relationship coaches, like they're all obsessed with these, with communication, with this  long drawn out, tell me your feelings and validate me and, uh,  and, and vulnerability and all this stuff.

Stuff and like, while that stuff is important and it does have its place, I mean, at the end of the day, anytime you want to share something with your partner, as far as like a problem, a feeling, a trigger or whatever it is  at the core of it is a need,  isolate the need, share the need tangibly, very, very tangibly.

And this is the exact same thing for sex. So let me give you an example. Let's say that, um,  You know, uh, my partner,  so I'm a woman obviously. Right. So I'll give you, I'll give you an example from my perspective. So let's say my partner, uh, has sex and never really prioritizes my pleasure. Like he probably thinks in his mind that having sex and then that's it is good enough for me.

Because I seem to be enjoying myself, right? So he's just like, all right, this is a formula that works. I'm going to keep just missionary, have sex orgasm. I'm done. She's done. We're all happy. Right.  And I could never say anything about that. I can never ask for what I want or need. And I could stuff that down.

Right. Or I could tell him you never do anything for me and you never go down on me and you never, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right. And what would that do? Right. Is it is just. Drive a wedge between us and it would start to cause him to relate to sex in a threatening way with me and and He would become defensive etc.

Right  or I could say hey, do you know what I would love?  Could you, uh, finger me for a while before? And if he says yes, right, I start to teach him how I like it by moving his hand and telling him, like whispering in his ear, do this, do that faster, slower, harder, softer, whatever. Right. And this is how we teach people what we need to feel happy. 

Now, if a partner is refusing to listen or doesn't care about our pleasure or whatever, right, that's when you really want to have a blatant conversation with somebody like, Hey, here's a need that I have make it tangible. And. Is this something that you think that you could meet  and let them answer?  So if they're like, no, I absolutely can't meet that.

That's just not who I am. This is not what I want. It's not aligned.  Then you have to assess.  How important that need is for you  compared to your values.  So,  my approach is really more, uh, somatic, body based communication.  I don't really do a lot of tricks and tips and sex advice and, and all this stuff of like, here's what you want to do with your woman and this is what you need.

Yes, I work with erectile dysfunction and performance anxiety. And for me, I am A psycho sexual expert, meaning that I work with the nervous system. I help men to change, uh, threatening or, or, and I know a lot of times if you're not in this work, it can kind of seem like, what are you talking about? Threat feeling threatened by sex, but it just means that, you know, if, if you go to have sex, you go into fight or flight.

Right? And the only reason we go into fight or flight is because the nervous system is like, this is a threat to me in some way. This thing is unsafe. This thing is, can humiliate me. This thing can point out that I'm not good enough or whatever. Right? So  if the nervous system Um, is in a state of threat in a, you know, in a S S has an association of threat to, to sex or any form of sex or whatever, or relationship, um, or women or dating or rejection or whatever attachment that is  my job.

My job is to resolve. That for my clients. So I'm not, you know, what somebody might call like a  sexpert, right? I don't  walk around with a bag full of dildos and teaching people how to, to use them. I've just don't, I just don't find it interesting. It's just not what I do. Um, and. What I do find interesting is the relationship that we have to sex and teaching people how to identify and communicate their needs because at the core of happiness it's that. 

If you are a person who's very good at identifying what you want and asking for it in a very neutral, tangible way, you're gonna have a pretty good life. It's, it's really simple. It can be very hard if you grew up with insecure attachment or your needs were very invalidated and,  you know, or your feelings were, were invalidated and stuff.

As a child, it can be very difficult and feel quite threatening to identify and communicate needs. It's very, very vulnerable and it can feel very, um, it can feel like being exposed if you're not used to it. Um, but  this is the approach that I That I take and that I teach my clients and it's really, really cool.

And it's something that I've worked on within myself for a long, long time.  So communicating to sex or communicating about sex.  Don't want to just like have a conversation, have it be clinical,  just go into freeze. You know, we don't want to talk about what we don't want. We don't want it to be a criticism.

We never  want to go, I used to have this partner who would do everything. This and this and that to me,  never in a million years, I've had so many clients who have had partners that have just wrecked  their nervous system because they were like, I don't really like what you're doing. And, um, my ex did like this thing with his tongue and it was like so weird.

So good. And then my partner or my client comes to me, it's like shaking uncontrollably. Like I can't have sex with this woman anymore. All I can think of is like this guy who used to have sex with her.  Um, and so like,  yeah, we want to stay away from that on, on  either, you know, male, female, doesn't matter.

Like you don't want to be telling her that someone used to give you a great blow job. She doesn't want to be telling you what she used to have in the past. We just want to communicate the tangible thing. And. We, we first want to do that in a somatic way, right? When we get, when we are intimate, when we're naked, when we're in the zone, when we're present with each other and we're asking in that moment, Hey, I would love it if you  X, Y, Z.

Just say the tangible thing and for some of you you may have to like this may be very triggering this may feel stressful to do this  Because rejection is very  it's a it's a nervous system dysregulator. It's it's going to fuck you up  and  You may need to start by Identifying what it is  And then making it tangible.

And we're talking like on a piece of paper.  What is the exact thing that if I could place an order right, I'm at a sex restaurant.  What would I ask the waitress for? With or without mayo, and you know, like make it very specific. What would be the exact thing?  that I want and write it down and just get comfortable with it.

Cause if you're not comfortable with it, you're not going to be able to communicate it.  So you just want to sit there. And one of the ways that I help clients with their needs is to have them identify that there's something that they don't want. Typically that's how it starts is like, there's something that's bothering them. 

And we look at, okay, well, what's the need? What's the thing we want? Write that down and then make that thing tangible. So this would be the difference between,  let's say that, uh, your partner is making you feel  unwanted. Let's say, let's say we're starting there, right? Feel unwanted.  And you're like, I want to feel wanted.

Now, if you just went to your partner and said, Hey, I want you to make me feel wanted.  What would your partner do? If your partner came to you and said to you, I want you to make me feel wanted. What would you do?  Well, you would come up with some ideas. But doesn't guarantee that those things  that are likely based on what makes you feel wanted would make her feel wanted. 

Right? So you might, uh, I don't know, come on to her at the grocery store. You might, uh, you know, I don't know, start kissing her neck while she's making dinner. Or you might tell her she looks so gorgeous or whatever. But let's say for her, what makes her feel desired is when you  do the dishes.  You'd never be able to figure that out  without her telling you tangibly.

And we can drive each other insane. 

We identify there's something bothering us, typically. We identify what's the thing that I do want, and then we make it tangible, very specific. If I don't feel wanted, and I want to feel wanted, what's the tangible thing that would make me feel wanted? And then, We share that thing.  In this case, we would want to share this in a sexual experience, right?

If you and your partner are very, very comfortable with each other, you could sit down and you could say, Hey, next time we have sex, could we do X, Y, Z?  Some partners are not comfortable with that,  you know, I know my partner is not a fan of talking about sex Especially not when the sun's out  And so  You know, you just have to kind of read the room and you have to respect, you know How your partner it feels safe and communicating feels good in communication with you So you wait until you're having an intimate moment and you'd share it with them I would love it if you could.

It would make me feel so good if you, and share the tangible thing.  And this may take some practice. Again, you may write this down and, uh, like I was saying before, I have clients that I'm like, okay, if this feels stressful to say this out loud, even in an intimate moment where things are relaxed,  then I want you to keep reading this statement over and and over and over and over until it loses its  It's, uh, you know, intensity until it loses its feel, right?

The trigger, um, dissipates from it  and then go from there.  A lot of times people will try to go like zero to a hundred  and they crash and burn. You can't jump from the bottom to the top of the ladder. We have to go one rung at a time. And the way we do that is by assessing what is the nervous system allowing me to do?

Right? If it feels like, if you, if you visibly start shaking when you think about trying to ask your partner for something, then we need to start with, okay, let me work on identifying what I need. I need to like, just, I need to let myself in on that thing, and I need to like, say it out loud when I'm by myself over and over and over until it takes the sting out of it. 

And then we share something  with our partner. Now,  let's say we've done this. It's not really working out for you. You need to have a conversation.  So in this conversation, you might sit down with your partner and say, Hey, I would love it if You know, and again, we wanted to speak in terms of positives. We want the, we want our partner to understand the outcome that we're trying to, to walk with them to. 

So we sit down, we go, okay, here's, here's what I would love.  This is the vision of the sex life I have.  This is what I want to create with you. And here's a very tangible thing that I would love to experience. And this is what it would make me feel 

so, so  nice to hear.  when we ask for a need in that way. It's very,  uh, rare that people ask for what they need in that way.  It's very healthy to do so.  And if your partner seems to Let's say your partner is like, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, okay, okay, sure.  But then when it comes down to it, she's not following through. 

Your job is to continually follow through on that need. And I think that's actually the most uncomfortable part. It's not even just saying it, it's actually following through, asking for it when it hasn't been delivered after you've already asked for it. You want to do that a few times.  Especially if you're like in the dating phase, right?

Like you're like maybe newer relationship and you haven't been together like a million years,  you kind of want to start there.  And if that person keeps saying they're going to do it and they don't, and they never follow through, then you know that that person is likely not capable of meeting your need. 

If your partner tells you, you know, outright, no, then we know that your partner is not willing or capable of meeting that need. And then we just assess.  Is this the right relationship for me? Right? Is, um, where, where does this need fall  in my value system? Is it at the top? Is it in the middle? Is it at the bottom?

And then we, we can look at that long term.  Now there's one other thing that you could do with your partner. That I think is, is really, really cool. Um, and it's, it's what I call blueprinting. So this is where you and your partner actually intentionally spend time exploring each other's bodies and sharing what feels really good.

So you may have a night where. You're like, hey, I'm gonna, I'm only gonna do penetration with you and I want you to, you know, I want you to move me around. I want you to, uh, sit in different positions that feel good for you and I want you to tell me exactly which way, which stroke, which intensity, um, feels really, really good for your body  and take note of that. 

Now you don't need to like write it down, right, but just mental note of, all right,  okay, my partner loves this angle, this speed, this pressure, right, this rhythm. This feels really good for her in this specific position.  Um, and then, you know, vice versa. You can literally give her a little masterclass on like, You're a dick.

And you can say like, this, these are the areas that are most sensitive for me. These are the areas, like, don't touch those directly. These are the areas, like, you could go super hard on or I need, like, a lot of pressure or like, whatever it is, like, teach her.  And you, you guys can spend time exploring each other's bodies.

I find that a lot of people have sex in kind of a, 

mechanical is not the right word, but like in a very.  pre  packaged way. Like, okay, we have kissing, then we have foreplay, whatever that means, then we have penetrative sex, and then we orgasm, and then it's over.  And, and you do learn a bit along the way when you're doing that, right? But when you actually  slow down a little bit and you become very intentional,  I think that communicating about sex in this way is The most phenomenal way that you could communicate.

Who wants to sit in like a fricking sex therapist office with a weirdo showing you like a diagram of a clip? Like who won? Nobody wants that. It's weird. You know? I mean, it's necessary in certain situations, but like it's, it doesn't, that's not inspiring. It's not sexy. You know, it's like, let's just.  Trust each other.

Let's just get a little vulnerable. Let's just share our bodies and show our bodies And of course it's going to be difficult if you have a partner that has a lot of shame if you have a lot of shame Right, there's gonna be blocks there if you if you don't really connect with your own body because it's oh There's some work to do there.

So working with You know, somebody like me with what I do or, you know, sex therapist or whatever, um, to really, uh, dissipate the shame is extremely important. So like for me, when I first started, um,  When I first started this career, and I was in training, we had to do so much inner work around our own sexuality.

And I remember it was the second week of school. We had to do all these self pleasure practices. We had to do, oh my god, it was like,  It was like so cringe like, and a lot of people listen to this and like, Oh my God, you're going to school for sex. That's so fun. That sounds like, Oh my God, dream. And I'm like, it's not a, it's not a dream job because essentially we had to face every bit of shame, cringe, disgust, like  like that surrounded, that encrusted our sexuality. 

In order to hold space for somebody else's shit, right? We had to really go to an extreme of dismantling the sexuality that we had been conditioned to have in the first place  and to make it pure, to, to relate to our bodies in a pure way. And when I say pure, I mean, in a way that is not conditioned, just natural.

Right? Like when a baby comes into the world, they don't. Uh, they don't go, ew, oh my God, I have a fat roll. They don't, they don't go, oh God, gross. My dick is weird. Like they don't have any thoughts like that. They just feel their body somatically. They feel, they touch their body. They feel their body and whatever feels good.

They, they notice that, right? There's no pre, there's no programmed, uh,  conditioning, uh, thought or negativity around their own body, um, or even their own sexuality.  And so, um, So the second week that I was in school,  we had to do this exercise  and it was, it was kind of like self pleasuring with the,  with the intention of innocence. 

And I was so fucking skeeved out, I can't even describe to you. I, like for me up until that point, sexuality was like something you do in a basement. Like in a dungeon in a dark, dark, dark corner of the earth where nobody sees you,  you know, the lights are off.  So you just, you know, roll around in the dark and whatever happens happens like, and then when it's over, you just get out of there. 

And, um,  oh my God, like the idea of pleasuring with, um, The mindset of innocence was so disgusting to me. I felt like I was going to crawl out of my own skin. And, uh, and I actually couldn't do it. I actually was like, nope, I'm not doing this. I'm not doing school this week. And we had an entire year every week.

It was so intensive. Um, and, and I was weak. I was so excited for school week two. I was like, nope, I'm fucking done. I'm fucking done with this. I can't deal with this. Like, no, no, no.  And, uh.  Yeah, over time you learn to cohabitate in your own body with  cringe and shame and disgust and guilt and  Jesus is watching you while you masturbate and oh my god, all this. 

This skin crawling stuff  and then over time, uh, you know, well, you, you start to cohabitate with that, but then you start to allow it to be there and you start to change your relationship to it. And then after time, all of that just goes away. It's just not there anymore.  Anyway,  I digress. My weird stories and if you want to hear more weird stories  You can let me know  About school.

School was crazy. Whoa, it was crazy.  But yes, so, um, I really hope that this was helpful I hope that you took something from this today  and If you want to work with me, there are several ways to do that I do offer one to one coaching for men, for couples, and I do have several programs. I have my ERECT Digital Training, which is for curing erectile dysfunction. 

I have my Unbound for men, also digital training, and and That is all about how start to finish from single to healthy, happy, long term relationship, uh, vetting, healthy women, being able to ask for what you need. Um, all of the principles of creating a relationship it's really for anybody who's had toxic relationships in the past, they, they, they have issues meeting women with, uh, you know, unhealthy women. 

They've had insecure, uh, attachment as a child, they have a lot of attachment issues, um, and you're kind of psychologically minded, right, like you enjoy learning and understanding yourself from an attachment perspective and a nervous system perspective, that's really good for you. And, and essentially the outcome of that is.

To help you go from either single into, uh, to, to dating and being able to identify a healthy woman, a healthy match for you to creating a really thriving long term relationship, or for somebody who is already in a relationship and really wants to make that relationship. Wonderful. Thanks for being here guys, and I will see you in the next one.