Emotional Regulation for Leaders: How to Turn Emotional Intelligence into Actionable Leadership Skills in Stressful Moments | EP 22

So, you’ve just stepped away from a tough conversation with your team. In your head, you’re rerunning every word you said, every tone you used, and you think I knew better than that. That inner dialogue many of us experience after a stressful moment is exactly where today’s episode begins. We navigate the space between who we intend to be as leaders and how we actually show up when pressure spikes, the reality of emotional regulation after the moment has already passed. 

We dive deep into emotional intelligence, especially the often-overlooked skill of emotional regulation. We explore why self-awareness alone doesn’t always prevent us from reacting under stress, how our nervous systems hijack decision-making in heated moments, and practical ways to manage those reactions so that you lead with clarity instead of impulse. Whether you’re an entrepreneur facing constant challenges or a leader aiming to build better communication and community support, this conversation offers grounded insight into transforming stress into growth. 

What to listen for in this episode

Awareness vs Regulation: Understanding that recognizing your emotions and managing them are two distinct skills. You can be self-aware and still get triggered in the moment and that’s normal, not a flaw.

Practical Practices: How naming emotions, taking intentional pauses, and even using tools (yes, including AI as a sounding board) can help you move through stress rather than be controlled by it.

Leadership Impact: Accepting that emotional regulation isn’t only personal growth, it influences your team’s culture, communication, resilience, and long-term engagement.

What if the moments you wish you could undo are actually your greatest teachers in becoming the leader you’re capable of being? 💡

Transcript

You're listening to Entrepreneurial Encounter, the podcast where soft skills meet real talk for creative business owners who are building with purpose. I'm Dana, a Pinterest marketing strategist and agency owner helping wedding pros and creative entrepreneurs get seen without burning out. And I'm Sarah, a business and team strategist who helps small teams and podcasters communicate clearly, lead with empathy and grow sustainably. Together, we're unpacking the messy, side of entrepreneurship.

from boundaries to burnout, leadership to listening, so you can build a business that actually fits your life.
Let's talk about the moments after the moment. You know, when you reply to a conversation in your head and you think, I knew better than that. I shouldn't have snapped. I shouldn't have shut down. Maybe should have not sent that message. And it's frustrating because deep down, like we do know better when you're reflecting. So most of us listening or tuning in right now have done some work towards.

emotional regulation and internal noticing the triggers that we have or how do we operate best? How can we communicate, handle conflict? So we're thoughtful, we're aware of certain things. We care and we want to lead more intentionally, but stress does not ask for permission when it is bubbling over.

It shows up fast, it can show up loud and right when the stakes feel the highest is when it usually boils over. And so today we're going to talk about emotional regulation at moment after the moment. So you've had the blow up and now we want to one rectify than any issues that we did, but then regulate so that we're not necessarily staying calm at all costs because that's unrealistic. These emotions are normal.

But we want to lead without letting stress run the show. So we want to be able to regulate ourselves to feel the overwhelm, to feel the stress and then work through it and not let it control us. Yeah. Stress sucks. And be it. That's the episode.

So before we get into it, make sure that you hit subscribe and follow so that you do not miss any future episodes. And as always, all of that information is going to be in our show notes. You can now follow us on LinkedIn at Entrepreneur Encounter. This is something so many leaders quietly struggle with. They'll say, I'm emotionally aware. So why do I react like this? And the answer isn't that you lack self-awareness.


is that awareness and regulation are two different skills. You can understand your emotions after the fact and then just get hijacked in the moments. That's not weakness, that's normal. That's part of human nature, human emotions. We get stressed, but there are gonna be times we have to figure out how to regulate that emotion and combine the self-awareness and the regulation.

I think those two go hand in hand, but it does start with awareness, which we've talked about before, like just how to be aware and like get out of your own headspace and see what's going on, looking through a different lens to better understand and ask questions. And then the after effect is, okay, now that I'm aware, what do I do? That's the moment after the moment. Like we kind of hinted at already.

Now that we're aware of the situation, how can we regulate? Well, one, or even before that, do we like the way that we are? Are we completely happy with how we speak to people, how we interact with people, how we handle stress? If you're happy with it, that means you're already regulating and you might need to just fine tune or maintain. But if not, then we have to learn that skill of how to regulate our emotions. And that is a hard skill to learn, especially

as an adult and I'm going to call some of us millennials out, but I think I mentioned it before, but we had big emotions. We were sent away. We were not talked through them. We were not taught understanding and what these mean and how to handle it. We were told to go outside, go to our room, go away. And when that emotion is over, however you chose to get rid of it, you could come back. And so

If anything, we like how to suppress it so that we just stay calm all the time and then wonder why we're burnout or overwhelmed by tiny little things because we didn't learn how to regulate. So when stress hits, what's happening is your nervous system is shifting into protection mode. Decision-making is narrowing, your patience is dropping because suddenly everything feels urgent and everything feels personal. And that's when entrepreneurs


overreact or really people in general, we avoid hard conversations or spiral into worst case scenario thinking. And that distracts you from being the leader that you know you are capable of being. Yeah, no, I totally believe that because I know I've learned over the years, but being stressed and overwhelmed, not knowing what to do in that situation, you know, like, as an entrepreneur, we're faced with

so many obstacles in our journey. And I had to learn that I'm the one making the decisions. Somebody else is not making the decisions for me because oftentimes when we come from like a corporate place, somebody is telling you what to do. Like, can we redo this or hey, this needs to be done a certain way. Let's go back and revise this.

And in my mind, now I'm stressed and overwhelmed because I think that I just did a bad thing. And reality, I did not do a bad thing. Just the expectations were not clearly said. I know I'm doing a really good job. I know I'm great at what I do, but when somebody gives you that feedback, you're like, no, what did I do wrong? And that's when now as time goes on, as I'm getting older and going through the journey of being an entrepreneur,

I'm not putting that pressure on myself anymore. I'm like, okay, let me step back and see like what exactly is going on. And that has helped me regulate my emotions and the stress and the overwhelm. And then when I receive feedback, then I give feedback back and say, hey, okay, like I understand that you're saying this. So this is how I'm perceiving this. Is this what you're saying? So just kind of clarifying so that you don't spiral out of control.

Yes, because that unregulated stress is going to leak through in so many different areas of your life. It can be rushed decisions that then later on reflecting, but man, that was a terrible idea. Like that's not even a learning lesson other than I should have took time to think about what I was doing. But it can show through your body language or just your body, like overall health in general. know my sister, when she has stress, but it's


subconscious, it starts to show in her jaw like she'll tense her jaw. And so that's her physical cue. Something is causing me stress and overwhelm and I need to figure out what it is. It could be your tone. If you don't realize you have a tone, which it goes back to being aware, but like your whole vibe could be throwing everyone off because of overwhelm and stress. And you've got to figure out what that is. So.

One thing that I would love to clear up because I kind of mentioned on it earlier, but being calm is not the same as being regulated. Calm is often external and regulation is internal. Calm is like the facade, the mask that you wear. There are days where I'm totally like freaking out inside. I'm not regulated, but on the outside, no one has no idea. Like everyone just thinks I'm happy.

We go lucky, me doing all these amazing things when inside I'm like crying on the inside. So too often, and I have a really close friend, Beth, that used to live with me. She was like, you always look calm and you always look like you're handling everything. But silent, like I was suppressing frustration, anxiety, sometimes resentment towards different people in my life because

I felt like I was communicating to the best of my ability and that just wasn't happening or was continuously being let down. And so I was having a hard time regulating myself and I was just suppressing them to kind of push through, but not in a healthy way. And but on the outside, I didn't want anybody to know. It's none of their business is how I was framing it. And those suppressed emotions do not disappear. If anything, they come out later, louder.

and harsher and with a much sharper tone than if I had just handled it when I first felt it. Probably still would have been a hard, difficult conversation, but it wouldn't have been nearly as bad. no, totally relate. You regulation means you can feel the stress without letting it drive your behavior. I know for a fact that when I'm stressed out and overwhelmed, my tone comes off. Not great at all. I look


But when I verbally start to talk, you can clearly tell that I'm stressed and don't want to be in that moment. So I've had to like figure out how to regulate that. And it's tough. It's tough to figure out how can you talk without sounding like you're rude. know, like I'm just having a bad day. It's nothing to do with you. I think that's where the communication part comes from. Just letting people know, hey, I might have a tome. It's not you.

I'm just stressed and I'm trying to center myself. I might need a minute or just more or less disregard for the next few minutes. I'd not tell my kids that I'm stressed. I'm putting myself in time out. Like I tell you guys to go to time out and like breathe and let it go. Yeah. It's challenging. It's hard. then going back to, you know, your business and if you have a team and the people that you work with, how do you show up for them?

You got to stay connected to your values, even when your nervous system seems to not want to do that at all. Like, you know who you are, you know what your values are, you know why you're doing what you're doing. But having those difficult conversations, depending on who you are, like for me, like I have to verbally say things, even though my tone might be off just to get it out. Just to kind of word vomit. And sometimes I cry that helps me regulate.

My nervous system, it does. that's- You gotta let it out. Let it out. You hold something in, it's not gonna be good for anybody, especially yourself. Don't you want to wake up in a good mood and not be stressed? I mean, of course stress is part of life, but it's how you regulate that stress and how you figure things out. And then if you're like, I don't know what I'm doing, like maybe find a person that you trust and have a conversation with them. I think by starting-

by grounding yourself, like asking more questions, taking ownership. Like you can't control what someone else does. You can still be upset by it, but you don't have to let it control you. You are only in control of how you react, how you respond, how you handle things, how you wake up and start your day, how you end your day. The questions, the ownership that allows you to have a steadier voice, a steadier


Influence with your team, with your clients. And the sooner that you speak up about these things instead of hiding it like it's a mistake because it's not, your team will flourish. If you continuously are in a dysregulated state, your team is going to go into protection mode or they're going to go in flight mode and they're just not going to work with you anymore. And then you're going to be a team of one.

And then suddenly you're dealing with all of that miscommunication, hesitation, disengagement. Like these things aren't just about self care. It's infrastructure for your whole team, your whole department. If you're on a professional setting, like this is an infrastructure thing that needs to be implemented across the board. yeah, definitely. And if I'm working with you, I would rather you come to me and say, Hey, like I'm having a bad day.

you know, if I come off of this way, it's nothing to do with you. I'd rather you be open with me than not because the now like that's another trickle effects. Like if you go into the workplace or you're with your partner recording a podcast or whatever, like there's that communication so that the other person kind of has an understanding of what they're walking into. Like if we get on a recording for an episode and either Dana and are like, hey, like

I need a break for a second before we hit record because I'm not having a good day. Like then you can take a moment and then, you know, talk it out and then go on about your work. So having that open dialogue definitely, definitely helps. It's definitely made a difference in like how I show up through working, like venting to other people. I've learned to pause however long I need to. I don't pause like indefinitely and never bring it back up, but I have learned to pause to like,

Am I just reactive, like overreacting or is this a cycle that I'm no longer want to be going through? Like I can't break the cycle if I don't take enough time to like back up and pause and then internally naming, I'm feeling pressured. I'm feeling frustrated. I'm overwhelmed. Honestly, I don't have a big team. I do have a coworking space and the


people there are amazing have Sarah in there, but sometimes I just need to get it out quickly. And so I use AI tools for that. I'm not even going to lie. It's a tool. So I have a like therapy level charge BT where I just go to vent because I have to pause long enough in some instances where it's just me and no like I'm just annoyed and it's not something that's all I need to fix. It's just in the moment. So I will voice

talk, word vomit, whatever you want to call it, into this chat and it helps me regulate, like it walks me through. It has told me, like, this is a bit extreme. They're not meaning, like, it doesn't seem like this is what it is. This is that neutral third party analytics. Other times it gives me, like, breathing techniques that I can try to move through it and to recenter myself and regulate my body, not just my thoughts. So it walks me through that, which is

funny. I know that sounds funny. But it helps and it has helped quite a bit actually. It's also trained I feel like I need to say that but if I get to a point where it's too negative, will it is it is told or it is given approval or whatever to tell me that I need to speak to someone else and child LGBT is no longer able to help me. But

Like that regulation, it starts with your nervous system and using whatever tools and resources you have. If you feel like you don't have a co-working space, you haven't found a virtual community, start there and work your way up. Maybe even ask it. Do some research to find them. There's so many amazing communities online that they will show up and be there with you every step of the way. Yeah, I believe what you say, Dana, like finding that community. Yeah, it could take some time, but finding that

the person or people to help you get through what you're going through. Leadership maturity isn't about never reacting. It's about recovering faster, repairing what you need and reducing how often stress is going to show up. This is a skill like any other skill. It's going to take time. It's going to take practice. I'm telling you, it took me maybe...


six, seven years or so to figure out what self-awareness was and how to be in tune with my body and now being in tune with my own body and like figuring out the triggers and regulation. Like it took me a while. It's something that you can always work on and every day you're constantly working on whatever skill just keep at it to keep improved. The more you regulate the more capacity you will have to lead well especially when you're under pressure as a leader, as a business owner, as an entrepreneur you are going to

face challenges, you're going to feel like you're under pressure. There's so many obstacles, but there's so much greatness that comes into it all as well. think the bigger picture, I think I've said this before, so apologies for repeating myself. mean, recovering faster is a perk, but it's repairing when needed and able to reduce how often stress is in your life because it's never going to go away. But if we can recover,

quickly because we've taken the time to learn how to regulate to the point that we can move through a stressful situation instead of letting it just send us here, there, and everywhere, and then we have to backtrack before we move forward. It strengthens with practice, and it's not as difficult maybe the 10th time or the 12th time. And those conversations that you're nervous about having don't even cause you as much panic because you've worked that skill enough

that you can navigate difficult conversations or you already are aware of potential responses so you can prep ahead of time. But the more regulated you are, the more capacity that we can handle under pressure, which means we'll see tremendous growth in the long run in our personal life and in our business. So something that I would love for our listeners tuning in to think about this week is when stress shows up in your leadership.

How does it usually come out? Because we've talked about awareness and so let's reflect a little bit more this week. And once you've done that, what's one small pause you could build in before reacting next time and really practice that, whether it's with your lovely AI tool or a friend over a coffee chat or someone in your coworking space. Maybe it's a trusted neighbor friend who's also an entrepreneur and understands the struggles. Think about that.

You don't need to eliminate stress to be a great leader. You need the ability to lead through it. Emotional regulation is what turns awareness into maturity. Whether you're growing your visibility through Pinterest marketing or streamlining your podcast operations and team management, we help you build systems that work for you, not against you. As always, all of our information is going to be in our show notes. Until next time.

Thanks for spending time with us today. If something in this episode gave you a fresh perspective, share it with a friend or send us a DM. We love hearing how these conversations land with you. And if you're curious about how Soft Skills can support your next season of growth, we each have more resources to share. You can find Dana on Instagram at danas.desk.nc for Pinch's Strategy and Intentional Marketing. And Sarah.

at UR Rembert for team development, business leadership, and podcast support. Until next time, keep leading with purpose and growing with intention.