Why Softening Your Feedback Is Costing You Better Work | EP 47

You just got work back from the contractor you hired and it's not quite what you asked for but it's close enough, so you quietly fix it yourself. Again. You tell yourself it's faster this way, that you don't want to be "that" client, "that" boss, or the person who makes things awkward. So you say nothing, or you bury the real point under so much cushioning that it never actually lands. Then it happens again next week.

In this conversation, we unpack why vague, conflict-avoidant feedback is quietly costing you better work, stronger relationships, and a business you can actually trust to run without micromanaging every deliverable. 

You’ll hear the real reason feedback feels so hard; it's not a lack of practice, it's the self-awareness and vulnerability it requires and walk through the specific costs of staying vague: redone work, resentment, and team members who never get the chance to improve. Also you’ll learn a simple framework for giving feedback that's specific, timely, focused on the work, and paired with care.

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What to listen for in this episode:

• Why "no worries, this is great, just one tiny thing" actually buries your point instead of protecting the relationship and what to say instead
• The real, hidden costs of vague feedback: doing the work twice, growing resentment, and a contractor or VA who never gets the chance to actually improve
• A four-part framework for feedback that lands — specific, tied to the work (not the person), delivered close to the moment, and paired with care

If you've been softening feedback into nothing because it feels safer — what is that silence actually costing you, your business, and the person you hired to help you grow it?

Transcript

Sara (Rembert) Lowell (00:00.204)
You're listening to Entrepreneur Encounter, the podcast where soft skills meet real talk for creative business owners who are building with purpose. I'm Dana, a Pinterest marketing strategist and agency owner helping wedding pros and creative entrepreneurs get seen without burning out. And I'm Sarah, a business and team strategist who helps small teams and podcasters communicate clearly, lead with empathy, and grow sustainably. Together we're unpacking the messy, meaningful side of entrepreneurship.

From boundaries to burnout, leadership to listening, so you can build a business that actually fits your life.

Sara (Rembert) Lowell (00:39.31)
You just got work back from your virtual assistant or somebody that you've hired on to take on a task for you. And that's why you hired somebody so that you can delegate out. So you got that work back, and now you're looking at it and thinking, it's not the way that it was supposed to be. It's okay, but I need to fix it. You tell yourself that it's faster. It's not a big deal.

You don't want to be that client, you don't want to be that boss or that person who makes things awkward. So you say nothing or say something that's wrapped up in some type of like cushion. No worries. This is great. Just one tiny thing. That actual point never lands. Then it happens again next week and the week after. And that just gets overwhelming for you, for the person that you've hired, but that's not how it's supposed to be. Feedback.

Feedback is what is going to actually change what happens next. This is actually one of the hardest soft skills to execute. Not because we don't know what to say, but because saying it honestly means that you're being a little exposed. Because sometimes saying out loud the wrong thing or what's not right and what you delegated out, you almost feel like the bad guy. And that's what we're talking about today. Why soft, vague,

Conflict avoidant feedback is quietly costing you better work, better relationships, and a business you can actually trust to run without you micromanaging everything. If you work with contractors, virtual assistants, maybe you even have a co host or anyone else that is working with you that depends on you, and you've ever rewritten something yourself instead of just saying what you meant. I want you to keep listening.

We're covering three things today. Why we avoid direct feedback in the first place? What it's actually costing us in a framework you can use starting today. Why do we avoid feedback? Why do we avoid giving the feedback? It's not that I don't have time. It's fear of conflict. I get it. I don't like conflict myself. You don't want to show that you're the bad person. You know, you're thinking, well.

Sara (Rembert) Lowell (03:02.766)
If I give feedback, this person's not gonna like me. Or you might feel that you're gonna hurt somebody's feelings. It's just like this never-ending cycle. But really, you're just you're trying to avoid that discomfort because when you give that feedback, when it's I would say constructive criticism, depending on who you talk to, they might take it the wrong way. I've been there. I've been given feedback over my, you know, adult life and careers and

I used to take it so personal. I thought I just made this huge mistake, but it's not. You have to provide feedback and you have to be able to receive feedback in a way that's not going to cause conflict. Yes, it is going to be difficult. This is why you got to practice. You can practice with your trusted network. You can practice with your spouse, practice with your kids, even whomever that you feel trust in with practicing.

receiving and giving feedback is going to help you in the long run. It's going to help you build those relationships. It's going to build your confidence even to be able to say, hey, this is what's going on. This is what I want fixed. If you're having trouble, come to me and ask me. That's what we want. We don't want the conflict because I've seen it happen where people give feedback and the other person gets defended and then it becomes this whole thing.

You know, it feels like you're being noble because you don't want to hurt somebody's feelings, but really you're just trying to avoid that discomfort. Vague feedback is not kind. It just feels safer for you. For them, it's actually more confusing because now they don't know what good looks like and they'll keep guessing wrong. So let's get specific about the cost because it's uncomfortable is going to undersell it. Let's look at the costs. Cost one.

You end up doing the work twice. Once for them and once to fix it yourself. The cost too is resentment starts to build. You start a avoiding delegating altogether because it's just easier for you to do it. I've heard this time and time again where, well, it's just easier for me to just take over. But you've hired somebody because you need help in your business. You need help to do a task, because you have other things going on.

Sara (Rembert) Lowell (05:25.304)
But you have to be able to be willing to sit back and think about the feedback that you want to give to that person and then take the time to actually give that feedback. And the cost three, the other person's never gonna get better. They're not gonna know. You're not protecting them by staying vague. You're keeping them stuck and keeping yourself stuck with them. And going back to the never-ending cycle, you hire somebody, contractor, an employee, doesn't matter the person that you hire if

They're not doing what they're supposed to, what happened before you hired them? Did you create, you know, standard operating procedure to show them what is done? Did you give that to them? And if you did, what is going on to why they're not able to do the task and they're not understanding that? You need to sit down with them and figure that out. And in client-facing business, this shows up in scope creep.

Missed expectations and relationships that quietly end instead of improve. It sucks having conversations that you don't want to have. But if you don't have those conversations, you never know what's going to happen. You know, you probably assume. You think, well, if I say this to this person, they're just gonna leave. That's not necessarily the case. You have to be willing to put your foot down and say, hey.

This is not done correctly. I want it to be done this way. If you have questions, please reach out to me and say, hey, like I don't understand this part of the task. I don't understand this concept. I don't understand the brand voice of this blog. Like whatever it is, you have to be willing to give the feedback and allow the person that's doing the work to come to you and trust you so that they're able to actually succeed in the role that you hired them for. Feedback.

Isn't hard because we haven't practiced it enough. It's hard because it requires self-awareness, knowing why you're uncomfortable. Because direct feedback can be met with defensiveness or silence or someone just not liking you for a minute. We are all adults. I would assume that we can have an actual conversation. But again, that's assuming. And not everybody is going to like that moment.

Sara (Rembert) Lowell (07:47.506)
And they're not gonna like you probably in that moment, and that is okay because there's a lot of frustration going on and there could be butting heads, and then obviously that can blow up into conflict. I've seen people yell at each other because they can't sit down and actually have a conversation. And then down the line, you might wonder why is the person that I just hired leaving? Why is my contractor suddenly not wanting to be here?

Like you have to think about those situations, even if it never happens. You have to have something set in place in your business to where if something were to happen, conflict, how would you want to proceed with the feedback? That needs to be built into your business before you hire somebody. I mean, that's what I believe. I mean, everybody does their business differently, and that's that's fine. But I believe that, you know, you have to have a protocol for everything that's in your business.

So if X, Y, and Z happens, how are you going to handle it? You can pretend and have scenarios. You can even role play with people that you know so that you're able to practice that feedback. We've talked about this before with communication and active listening. I mean, all these skills that we talk about are doable. You're not changing who you are, but you need to kind of figure out some things.

like self-awareness and be able to give that feedback. So before we get into the framework, here's a little self-check-in. When you are avoiding feedback, what are you actually afraid will happen? Are you afraid that conflict will happen? Are you afraid that being disliked is gonna happen? Are you afraid that they're gonna quit? You want to name that and then this is going to show change how you show up. So let's get into the framework. Okay, so here are four parts.

One, you want to be specific, not general. Don't just say this needs work. You want to say this doesn't match the tone we usually use. Can we make it more conversational? You have to be specific. Two, you want to focus on the behavior or the work, not the person. So instead of saying you, you say, well, this section needs to be where you worked, not you need to change this. Say it when it happens. Don't

Sara (Rembert) Lowell (10:12.216)
provide feedback three weeks down the line when everything is just it's already done. So say a close when it happened. Feedback that's three weeks old has lost all of its usefulness and it starts to feel like an ambush. Like why are you coming to me and having this conversation right now when this happened like three weeks ago? It needs to happen as soon as possible. Four, you want to pair it with care. There's a difference between no worries, this is great, just just one tiny thing, which is going to bury the point.

Say I want this to be great. So let's fix this one thing together. So you can show them like, hey, like I love what you're doing. This part just needs to be changed. And I'm going to walk you through it and why it needs to be changed and give the context, give them clarity. So if you've been softening feedback into nothing this week, try saying the actual thing, specific, close to the moment, focused on the work and paired with care.

And if you're realizing this pattern shows up anywhere in your business, not just with feedback. This is why we have the 20-minute clarity map so that you can name it and work it out. It's totally free. It takes 20 minutes. And if you have a team, you can do it with your team as well. And that link you can find that down in the show notes. Until next time. You can now follow us on.

LinkedIn at Entrepreneur Encounter.

Thanks for spending time with us today. If something in this episode gave you a fresh perspective, share it with a friend or send us a DM. We love hearing how these conversations land with you. And if you're curious about how soft skills can support your next season of growth, we each have more resources to share. You can find Dana on Instagram at danas.desk.nc for pinch a strategy and intentional marketing. And Sarah

Sara (Rembert) Lowell (12:10.708)
at UR Rembermbert for Team Development, Business Leadership, and Podcast Support. Until next time, keep leading with purpose and growing with intention.